by Band Back Together | Jan 9, 2019 | A Letter I Can't Send, Abuse, Anger, Coping With Domestic Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Economic Abuse, Helping Someone In An Abusive Relationship, Intimate Partner Rape, Psychological Manipulation, Stress, Trauma |
An intro: Judgmental people are my pet peeve. The event that precipitated this Letter happened 5 years ago, and as badly as I would like to let the entire world know about these people, I have changed all names to protect the guilty.
Dear Ex Sister-In-Law:
You don’t know me and we’ve never met. I’m Evil Stepmother #3. For the past 10 years, I’ve had the pleasure of knowing your sister and her son, Lucifer. Thank you so much for not only the note you sent acknowledging the flowers we sent for your mother’s funeral, but also the note addressed to Forever Man laying out your concern for our family’s spiritual health.
It was so kind of you to let us know how evil we are. We had no idea! I’ll bet the dictionary has a picture of you next to the definition for “thoughtful.”
We really didn’t mean to ruin your mother’s funeral. My sympathy for your loss was very real, believe it or not. I did meet your mother on several occasions when we picked up or dropped off Lucifer for visitation. She treated Lucifer’s younger half-brother like a blood grandson. I don’t know whether you, as a mother yourself, can begin to imagine what that small act of kindness meant to me.
Having lost my dad and grandmother during the holiday season, I understand more than you might think. But, given your little note, I’m now left wondering how such a kind, caring woman could possibly have raised such assholes for daughters.
You said in your note that you “feel sorry for my children?”
Maybe you should focus more on your own children.
I totally understand your normal, human reaction to need to blame someone for the chaos that surrounded your mother’s visitation. But you know, my normal human reaction is: who the fuck do you think you are telling my family that we need to get right with God?
Who died and made you the Judge of the Entire Fucking Universe? You don’t know the half of what you think you know. If your opinion was even partially based on facts, we might agree on a few areas in need of improvement. But it’s obvious that you are judging from a position of ignorance. Remember that Bible verse about how knowing the truth shall set you free?
Here’s some truth for you: your sister Saint D and Lucifer are assholes.
You don’t owe me anything, and I don’t need your forgiveness. But if you really feel like you need to blame someone or judge intentions, you should blame me, not Forever Man. Why?
Because I exist.
Because I am the latest Evil Stepmother. Because Saint D never expected a sibling to take the focus off of Lucifer. Because I agreed with FM, Saint D and Evil Stepfather #2 (her live-in boyfriend) that it was unacceptable behavior to flunk out of school and live in an online fantasy world. That it was unacceptable behavior to disregard personal hygiene. To be disrespectful. To not apologize when you’re wrong. To not help fix things you broke. To not right wrongs. To lie when it suited your purpose. To be ungrateful for the opportunities and help you’ve received, all freely given even when you didn’t deserve it.
In a nutshell, there must be someone to blame always when something goes awry with the Upbringing of the Crotch Parasite (love you AB!). That someone is always either the ex or the stepparent. Another truth for you: Lucifer is a parasite and so is his mother.
This is, incidentally, an insult to ticks, maggots and tapeworms.
What the hell ever happened to “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone?”
Did it never occur to you that there is something inherently unfair about judging someone without first asking for their side of the story?
Yes, life is not fair and the benefit of the doubt does not apply to divorce. If there are children involved, you are doubly screwed, no matter how good your intentions are, how hard you try, or how much you love them. You accused FM of treating Saint D “disgustingly” after the divorce. We should all be so lucky to live in a world where “disgusting” means loving your child so much that you would willing stick yourself with paying all the bills on two houses, alimony, college tuition for two (ultimately useless) degrees, child support (even when it should have been reduced or stopped), extra cash beyond that, legal bills to defend a constant stream of court actions, and personal attacks directed at FM’s employers and siblings.
You’d be quick to condemn anyone else who used their child for money and sympathy.
To be honest, I’m tired of hearing the stories. It’s not a fucking competition to see who had it worst.
If only my ex had treated me so badly!
When Preacher B divorced me, I was supposed to feel privileged that I was “allowed” my freedom. I got no child support, even though Preacher was the only father Number One Son had ever known. There was no settlement or alimony. I got no share of all the property gained – cars, land, home, camping trailers, royalties – because I willingly worked my ass off as a helpmeet, while being spiritually and sexually abused in the special hell known as fundamentalist Christian patriarchy.
I was shunned by my church family.
I got nothing because I believed in educating my God-given brain. That divorce was the best Christmas present I ever received, even though it meant starting from nothing (for a second time) as a single parent. I tried to fit into, to trust new church families – Catholic, Methodist, Baptist, unaffiliated, you name it . When I was brave enough to tell my story, I can’t count the number of fine moral upstanding Christian eyes which glazed over and I became invisible again.
They have to answer for it, not me. I am not ashamed of being a survivor. I kicked stigma in the crotch.
Me! Fuck you.
All these years, FM has held his tongue, because it wasn’t anyone else’s business. Problem is, Saint D has been sharing her opinion loudly, indiscriminately and constantly for the twenty-five-plus years since the divorce. We’ve all heard her side of it.
But consider this: we have a big-ass storage bin full of court papers and check registers – it weighs about 75 pounds – to prove that the story Saint D has been feeding you all these years is a veritable cornucopia of bullshit. All for sympathy. If it weren’t for Saint D’s lawyer getting his license revoked for soliciting a prostitute, we’d probably still be tied up in a court action for something.
Forever Man is also a survivor.
I think Saint D and Lucifer have had a pretty privileged existence. Saint D’s repeated financial and emotional vengeance for the privilege of being divorced from her, even now twenty. five. fucking. years. later, is what is disgusting here. Saint D has elevated martyrdom to both a science and an art form, and passed it along to Lucifer, who has internalized the constant stream of complaints, lies, and dad-bashing since he was a toddler. This is what you’re calling values?
Rational people would call it child abuse. It is a travesty of justice that the family court consistently sided with her simply because she bears a c-section scar. Unfortunately for FM, having possession of a big-ass Bin-O-Facts does not mean justice. Joint custody and the privilege of being bankrupted maybe, but not justice.
So, let’s change gears and talk about what happened on visitation day, shall we? For the record, FM made travel arrangements with Lucifer two days before the visitation. Given the weather forecast (winter storm watch), we offered to bring Lucifer with us, mostly because we thought it would be helpful to Saint D. Because, you know, compassion. When someone dies, that’s what you’re supposed to do. We thought of her, even with the hell we’ve been through with her. Offering to help someone who’s brought FM nothing but misery for nearly forty years, since he was 18 years old?
Yeah, FM and I are the dictionary definition of assholes.
Just so we’re clear here: the ensuing crisis wasn’t because FM made any rash, selfish, last-minute decisions. Lucifer was the one with anger issues; he couldn’t handle the thought of two specific riders occupying space in the same car with him and FM. The crisis was caused because Lucifer has the social and reasoning skills of a two year old parasite. Oops, I forgot. It’s my fault because I should have known how inappropriate it was for me and Little Brother to offer FM moral support, since it was also his loss. Lucifer’s full transformation into Satan couldn’t have happened at a better time.
Last we knew, Satan had a car and a job. He could have driven himself, if he’d wanted to. Surely you could come up with a better excuse than we ruined the funeral because Satan’s mother had to drive over and pick him up!
Here’s another truth for you: Satan is an equal-opportunity hater; he hates all of you, just like he hates us. He was looking for an excuse not to attend, but one that wouldn’t look like he was deliberately trying to avoid seeing his family. You’d have thought he would have covered his ass better. I mean, come on now, most rational adult humans would have the presence of mind to reschedule a doctor appointment on the day of a close relative’s funeral. Especially since it took four days to make funeral arrangements.
It sure was awfully convenient to manufacture a crisis, blame the whole mess on FM and get out of attending a funeral. Unfortunately for Satan’s sake, we got the EOB for the doctor’s visit a few weeks later. Yes, Satan’s still on our insurance, which is by the way, just another of those nice things we do for him even though he wishes we were all dead.
We’re going to hell for sure.
When I emailed Saint D to let her know that we wouldn’t be able to come, she said that Satan had been expecting time alone with his dad.
See, another truth you need to know is that Satan has not once, in the twenty. five. fucking. years. since the divorce, asked his dad for “alone time.” “Alone time” is Saint D’s code for marginalizing Evil Stepmothers. Satan has our phone number and emails. He could get “alone time” anytime. We haven’t heard a word from Satan since that cold, snowy December day five years ago.
Yeah, we’re awful, valueless, evil personified. We’ve invited Satan over every Thanksgiving, every Christmas, anytime just because, since he moved out of our house ten years ago. Well, not for the last three years because we moved to another state and since he doesn’t speak to us, we didn’t tell him we were moving. When FM handed him the check containing his college fund and helped him move into the dorms at Big State University nine years ago, Satan’s last words to him were, “Well, be sure to let me know when this one ends in divorce, like all the others.”
As long as there was money flowing from the First Bank of Dad no questions asked, everything was fine. Until there were questions, like why he flunked out of BSU, which required thousands of dollars more to settle the final bill, which resulted in Satan’s faking a crisis to get everyone off his case. I know. See, awful nasty jerk that I am, I sat there in the ER waiting room, trying to keep everyone calm. I provided the insurance information. I made sure his prescriptions were filled. I brought clothes and other stuff to the mental ward for him. I offered to let Satan come back to our home until his apartment was ready, because he didn’t have anywhere else to go.
He didn’t seem to have a problem choosing a comfy warm bed and home-cooked meals over sleeping under a bridge. I figured out before the doctors did that it was a giant snow job. But I let it go. Yeah, more reason to hate me, since I’m a terrible, evil, valueless person for caring. He didn’t say “thank you” when he left.
He didn’t say “good bye” to his little brother. Fucking parasite.
You spoke of values. Little Brother certainly learned some important lessons about values, courtesy of your family, for which we cannot thank you enough. Like being born is the only qualification necessary for hating someone. How do you explain that to an eight-year-old child? That compassion, honesty, forgiveness and reconciliation are not in every family’s vocabulary. That families define “family” differently; no one considered it inappropriate for Saint D’s boyfriend to attend the visitation. That it’s acceptable to talk out of both sides of your mouth if it suits your purpose. Which is it: “inappropriate” or “alone time”? I would suggest neither, but who am I to judge if being petty, vindictive and immature makes someone feel better? We heard over and over, “it’s not fair!”
Little Brother understands the concept of fairness, you know. You made him cry. You people are despicable.
I’ve been calling bullshit on Satan for the 14 years I’ve known him, but telling a parent he has to choose between his children? Him or me? A child is not a paint color, a new car or a bag of potatoes. This was cruel, monstrous, despicable, evil beyond reason. I would say I hope Saint D and Satan both burn in hell, but I’m not sure I believe in hell anymore. Why do we need “Hell” when we have family? It seems to accomplish the same purpose.
So, in closing and just in case I wasn’t clear, it’s a really good thing that I’m not God, because if judgment and justice were left up to me, the Plagues of Egypt, the Crucifixion, the Inquisition, would be too lenient for your whole fucking family. You say you “don’t pretend to know [our] beliefs.” Then please do yourself a favor and save the lecture about getting “right with your Maker” because you might end up next to me in the hellhole you mentioned in your note and that would be even worse karma than occupying it with FM.
Until then, I wish you a lovely bouquet of Mushroom Prints. Asshole.
The Evil Stepmother #3
by Band Back Together | Dec 17, 2018 | Grief, Help For Grief And Grieving, How To Cope With A Suicide, Loss, Parent Loss, Suicide |
In 2004, I was pregnant with my daughter and at a job I enjoyed with a morally corrupt boss that I hated.
But I was fine.
When I was 32 weeks pregnant, my father came for a visit. Dad lived two hours away from me, so having him show up suddenly for a visit wasn’t unusual. In fact, I loved it. I’d wake up to the smells of breakfast cooking, coffee brewing, and my Dad whistling happily to himself as he took over as caretaker in my house.
There was something very comforting about my Dad’s presence in my house. My father was a six-foot tall and solid man. So when he hugged me, he enveloped me. The feel of his embrace, the scent of his cologne, the unmistakable him-ness, could give me strength and faith that no matter what, I would always be okay.
My father loved me. My father was my friend. My father was a fabulous grandfather to his grandson. My father was my foundation. My rock. My stability.
And that morning, my father showed up and made breakfast. Blueberry muffins. He spent the morning talking to my son and I. He helped my son tie his shoes for school. I could hear them laughing and talking and whispering to each other as Dad helped his grandson fix his hair for school.
When it was time to leave, my son did not want to go. He wanted to stay home and spend the day with his grandpa. I remember saying to my son, “Come on, I’m taking you to school. Grandpa will be here when you get home.”
My son hugged his Grandpa goodbye. His grandpa told him he loved him. He told his Grandson to have a great day.
I told my Dad I’d be back in about an hour; I needed to stop at the store before I came home. My Dad told me to be careful. He kissed me on my forehead and told me, “I really love you, kid. I’m glad I came to see you.”
As I drove out of the driveway, I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw my Dad taking out my trash and for one moment; one tiny moment, I thought to myself, “Maybe I can let my kid skip one day of school. We could all just spend a nice day together.”
But, my son had a spelling test, and his gifted class that day and I didn’t think he should miss those. I looked at my father in that mirror and I felt so good that he was there. I was so glad to have my father show up that week.
I remember thinking, “Time with Dad is just what I need.”
It was early spring here. The morning was slightly chilly but the sun was shining brightly. The day was bright with promise. After dropping off my son and a quick stop at the store, I headed home.
I got out of the car and grabbed my few bags of groceries and went into the house. At 32 weeks pregnant, I had an awkward sense of balance, but I managed to get to the door in spite of the dog and that’s when I thought, “What’s the dog doing outside? She doesn’t stay outside by herself.”
I went inside to find that my father had killed himself.
Much of what happened that day after that is burned into my brain and I will never, ever forget it. Some things are gray and fuzzy and lost to the haze of my grief and I’ll never remember them.
What I do know is that my world, my foundation, my entire sense of who I am was taken away in one moment by the one person who was supposed to keep me from ever feeling like that.
I’m doing okay with it.
So why am I telling you this story?
Because suicide is bullshit. And it’s aftereffects last a lifetime. In our case? Two lifetimes. It’s shaped who I am today and who my son is as well.
Because if there is anyone here reading this who thinks that suicide will end pain needs to know that it causes a lifetime of pain. Pain, confusion and hurt.
Because no one wants to talk about it.
When someone loses a parent to an illness, an accident or at someone else’s hand? People are there for them. They listen to them. They commiserate. They form a support for them that is so goddamn necessary to heal. Not so when someone you love takes their own life.
Suicide is a topic that no one wants to be connected to.
People don’t want to talk about it. They can’t hear about it. They don’t want to comfort you because they don’t know how. It’s not something that they want to believe can happen to you. They don’t know what to say. They don’t have the answers either, and that makes it difficult for them. It’s because of this that my father’s suicide has made me the loneliest I have ever been.
I’ve been isolated in so many ways because of it. So isolated that I don’t know if I will ever not feel like I’m separated from everyone else again.
I could sit here and tell you all the ways this has changed me. All the ways I am stronger. All the ways I am scarred. About crying in absolute emotional pain and just wanting my dad when just a few weeks later, I gave birth to my daughter. About all the irrational fears I have. Someday, I may tell you about all of it.
Today, I want to show you that my Dad was a real person, just as I am. I love him today just as I always have.
The day my son was born, my dad wasn’t able to be there. I can’t remember why. I believe my dad was cooing to him. But the obvious joy at having that boy makes this photo one of my most treasured memories. I wanted you to see it.
My Dad was a real person. He existed.
Today, I tell you about my Dad because this community is amazing. I read your stories and I am humbled by your courage, your tenacity and your amazing support for each other.
I’m so proud to be a part of this project, even in a small way. I’m so proud of every person who has posted and who has commented. I’m so proud to know that this community exists.
You have no idea how much you would have helped me in 2004, but I do.
I tell you my story because you’ve told me all of your stories. Your stories, in your voices, about your experiences have made me feel like people don’t suck as much as I thought.
I need you to know that if you have lost someone to suicide that it’s time we start talking about it and making it okay to talk about it.
I need you to know that if you are thinking about killing yourself, my story is a very good example of what you will leave behind. By killing yourself, you will have caused more pain than you can imagine. Pain that will never go away. Please, please, don’t do this to everyone in your family. Don’t do this to your parents, children, and friends.
I need you to know that for six years, I’ve stopped believing that anyone would love me more than they love themselves. I don’t know that I’ll ever believe that again.
I need you to know that I am sharing my story because I trust you.
Thank you all for inspiring me.
Thank you for making BB2G the community what it is today.
Thank you for being here.
————–
If you are feeling desperate, alone or helpless, or know someone who is call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to talk to a counselor at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
Here is the Band Back Together Suicide Prevention Resource Page
Here is what happens to loved ones left behind from a suicide.
by Band Back Together | Dec 15, 2018
Please also see: Suicide Prevention Resources and Coping With The Aftermath of Suicide.
Algeria
34342 and 43 are the national emergency numbers for police and ambulances in Algeria.
Suicide Hotline Algeria: 0021 3983 2000 58
Argentina
911 is the national emergency number in Argentina.
Centro de Atencíon al Familiar del Suicida (http://www.familiardesuicida.com.ar/) is made up of professionals and focuses on the problems caused by suicide, both in the community and in the people it can impact. Their number is (54-11) 4758-2554.
SOS Un Amigo Anonimo (http://www.sosunamigoanonimo.com.ar/) is available seven days a week from 10 am to 7pm by calling 4783-8888.
Armenia
112 and 911 are the national emergency numbers in Armenia.
Trust Social Work and Sociological Research Centre: can be reached at (2) 538194 or (2) 538197
Australia
000 is the national emergency number in Australia.
Lifeline (https://www.lifeline.org.au/) is a 24-hour nationwide service that provides access to crisis support, suicide prevention and mental health support services.[4] It can be reached at 13 11 14. They also offer an online chat service.
Kids Helpline (https://kidshelpline.com.au/) is a 24-hour nationwide service that provides access to crisis support, suicide prevention and counselling services for Australians aged 5–25. It can be reached at 1800 55 1800. In addition the Kids Helpline does also provide online chat services.
Beyond Blue (https://www.beyondblue.org.au) provides nationwide information and support regarding anxiety, depression, and suicide. It has a helpline which can be reached by calling 1300 22 4636. The helpline is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. In addition, the organization also provides online chat from 15-24.
Austria
112 is the national emergency number in Austria.
142 is the number of Telefonseelsorge (http://www.telefonseelsorge.at/) in Austria. Free of charge, operating 24 hours a day.
147 is the number of Rat auf Draht (https://www.rataufdraht.at/), a crisis number especially for children, juveniles and their attachment figures. Free of charge, operating 24 hours a day.
The Bahamas
911 is the national emergency number in The Bahamas.
National Suicide Hotline: 322-2763
Bangladesh
999 is the national emergency number in Bangladesh. 199 is the national number for ambulance and fire.
Kaan Pete Roi (http://shuni.org/) is an emotional support helpline in Bangladesh whose mission is to alleviate feelings of despair, isolation, distress, and suicidal feelings among members of the community, through confidential listening. The helpline is intended for suicide prevention and the promotion of mental health.
Barbados
911 is the national emergency number in Barbados.
Samaritans of Barbados: (246) 4299999
Belgium
112 is the national emergency number in Belgium.
Stichting Zelfmoordlijn 1813 (https://www.zelfmoord1813.be) provides a 24/7 national suicide prevention phone line and a webchat everyday from 18:30 to 22:00 for Dutch language.
Zelfmoordlijn 1813 limited webchat can be found at https://www.zelfmoord1813.be/chat-met-zelfmoordlijn-1813.
Stichting Centre de Prévention du Suicide (https://www.preventionsuicide.be/fr/) provides a 24/7 national suicide prevention phone line for French language.
The Center for the Prevention of Suicide website and Forum can be found at https://www.preventionsuicide.be/fr/j-ai-besoin-d-aide.html
Bolivia
911 is the national emergency number in Bolivia.
Teléfono de la Esperanza (http://www.telefonodelaesperanza.org/) aims at promoting mental health to the Spanish and Portuguese-speaking world. Bolivians living in Cochabamba and La Paz can call (00 591 4) 4 25 42 42 and 75288084.
Botswana
911 is the national emergency number in Botswana.
3911270 is the national lifeline.
Brazil
188 is a national emergency number in Brazil.
190 and 191 are the national emergency numbers for police and ambulances in Brazil.
Centro de Valorização da Vida (http://www.cvv.org.br/) is an emotional and suicidal prevention support NGO founded in 1962 in São Paulo, Brazil, and recognized as Federal Public Utility in 1973. It offers voluntary and free support, with all communications being confidential. Contacts can be made through the phone number 141 (available 24/7), personally (in one of the 72 centres around the country), chat (via their website), VoIP (via Skype) and e-mail.
Bulgaria
112 is the national emergency number in Bulgaria.
0035 9249 17 223 is the number for the Sofia Hotline.
Canada
911 is the national emergency number in Canada.
Kids Help Phone (http://org.kidshelpphone.ca/) is a nationwide 24-hour, toll-free, confidential crisis line and counseling service available to Canadians under the age of twenty.
Crisis Services Canada (http://www.crisisservicescanada.ca/) nation wide suicide prevention and support network.
Crisis Text Line (crisistextline.ca), a 24/7 nationwide crisis-intervention text-message hotline created in partnership with Kids Help Phone.
The Crisis Text Line can be reached by texting HOME to 686-868.
Trans Lifeline (http://www.translifeline.org/) is a toll-free crisis hotline available in the United States and in Canada for transgender people staffed by transgender people.
China
110 is the national emergency number in mainland China.
Beijing Suicide Research and Prevention Center (http://www.crisis.org.cn), a World Health Organization Collaborating Centre for Research and Training in Suicide Prevention, available 24/7 at 800-810-1117 (for landline callers) or 010-8295-1332 (for mobile and VoIP callers)
Lifeline Shanghai (https://www.lifeline-shanghai.com/) available 10am to 10pm every day at 021-6279-8990
Shanghai Mental Health Center (http://www.smhc.org.cn) serves as a mental health clinic as well as teaching, researching and planning mental health prevention throughout China. They can be reached at 021-64387250.
Shenzhen Mental Health Center (http://www.psyonline.com.cn/) free professional counseling available 24/7 at 0755-25629459
Guangzhou Crisis Research and Intervention Center (http://www.gzcrisis.com/) available 24/7 at 020-81899120 or 020-12320-5, online counseling is also available with QQ messenger at 1661042151
Mental Health Center of School of Medicine of Zhejiang University (http://www.hz7hospital.com/) available 24/7 at 0571-85029595
Croatia
112 is the national emergency number in Croatia.
Plavi Telefon (http://www.plavi-telefon.hr) can be called at 48 33 888 and aim to provide support for issues such as depression, alcoholism, drug abuse and suicide that traditional centers might not accomplish.
Cyprus
112 and 199 are the national emergency numbers in Cyprus.
Cyprus Samaritans (http://www.cyprussamaritans.org) is available every day from 4pm to 12am and is confidential. They can be reached at 8000 7773.
Czech Republic
112 is the national emergency number in the Czech Republic.
Modrá linka (http://www.modralinka.cz/) is a line of trust not only for children and youth. They provide a phone support at +420608902410 from 9AM to 9PM and a chat.
Denmark
Livslinien (https://www.livslinien.dk) offers telephone support 11am-4am on 70 201 201, or online chat
112 is the national emergency number in Denmark.
Egypt
122 is the national emergency number in Egypt.
126 is the foreigners emergency number in Egypt.
Estonia
112 is the national emergency number in Estonia.
Eluliin (http://www.eluliin.ee/) provides emotional support for those suffering from depression and relationship issues. They’re available from 7pm to 7am at 655 8088 in Estonian and 655 5688 in Russian.
Fiji
917 is the national emergency number in Fiji.
Lifeline Fiji runs the National Crisis Line, Crisis Support, and Suicide Intervention line. Free calls at any time on 132454
Finland:
112 is the national emergency number in Finland.
Finnish Association for Mental Health has provided assistance and support for those dealing with mental health issues and suicide since 1897. They can be reached at 010 195 202 (Finnish) or (09) 4135 0501 (foreigners).
France:
112 is the national emergency number in France, 15 is the number for ambulances, 114 for all emergency services for deaf using FAX or SMS and 17 is for police.
Fil santé jeunes : 0800 235 236 : anonymous and toll-free number for young people.
Suicide écoute : 01 45 39 40 00 (24-hour) : suicide prevention helpline (volunteers).
SOS Suicide Phénix: 01 40 44 46 45 (schedule) : suicide prevention through listening and hospitality (volunteers).
Sos amitié : distress listening on multimedia platform : phone, email, chat (volunteers).
La Croix Rouge Ecoute : 0 800 858 858 : psychological support online, anonymous and free (volunteers).
Germany
112 is the national emergency number in Germany.
Telefonseelsorge (http://www.telefonseelsorge.de/) (24/7, no cost): 0800 111 0 111 (Protestant), 0800 111 0 222 (Catholic), 0800 111 0 333 (for children and youth)
Ghana
999 is the national emergency number in Ghana.
National Lifeline: 2332 444 71279
Greece
1018 (http://suicide-help.gr) is the national emergency number in Greece, 166 is the number for ambulances, 199 for the fire department, 100 is for police.
Guyana
999 is the national emergency number in Guyana.
Inter-agency Suicide Prevention Help Line (http://guyanapoliceforce.gy/police/policing-menu/community-outreach-programs/launching-of-inter-agency-suicide-prevention-help-line) was launched by the Guyana Police Force in 2015 to help those struggling with depression. They can be reached 24 hours a day by calling 223-0001, 223-0009, or 223-0818, as well as 600-7896 or 623-4444 by cellphone.
Hong Kong
999 is the national emergency number in Hong Kong.
The Samaritans Hong Kong (https://samaritans.org.hk) is available 24/7 by calling 2896 0000.
The Samaritan Befrienders Hong Kong is available 24/7 at 23892222.
Hungary
112 is the national emergency number for Hungary. 104 is the national number for ambulances and 107 is for police
Blue line (http://www.sos116-123.hu/index.php/segelykeres) – 116-123 is a nationwide 24-hour hotline – sos@sos116-123.hu is an email address to use. Helpline providing emotional support for those who are stressed, distressed, depressed, or suicidal.
Help line: (http://www.kek-vonal.hu/index.php/hu/lelkisegely-vonal) – 116-111 is a helpline providing emotional support for those who are stressed, distressed, depressed, or suicidal.
India
112 is the national emergency number for India.
Samaritans Mumbai: (smaritaansmumbai.com) – +91 8422984528, +91 8422984529, +91 8422984530 – 3 pm to 9 pm, all days. samaritans.helpline@gmail.com. Helpline providing emotional support for those who are stressed, distressed, depressed, or suicidal.
AASRA (http://www.aasra.info/): 91-22-27546669 is a 24-hours a day, 7 days a week nationwide voluntary, professional and confidential services.
Sneha India (http://www.snehaindia.org) is available 24/7 on the phone by calling 91 44 24640050.
Indonesia
112 is the national emergency number for Indonesia.
Kementerian Kesehatan: 500-454
Iran
110 and 115 are the national emergency numbers for police and ambulances in Iran.
Iran Organization of Well Being (http://moshaver.behzisti.ir/page.aspx?id=1480) has provided the free and governmental hotline, 1480, by which the specialists give different types of consultations for a variety of problems such as marriage, family, youths and children, suicide,etc. to those in need. this hotline is open
from 6 am till 9 pm everyday and its services are reached from all provinces of Iran.
Ireland
112 and 999 are the national emergency numbers in Ireland.
Samaritans (http://www.samaritans.org/) is a registered charity aimed at providing emotional support to anyone in distress or at risk of suicide throughout Ireland.
Israel
100 and 101 are the national emergency numbers for police and ambulances in Israel.
Eran.org.il Suicide line operates 24/7 including holidays and can be reached from all regions of Israel by calling 1201 or 972-9 8891333 from abroad. SMS service is given as well during Sunday – Friday between 14:00-18:00 at 076-88444-00.
Italy
112 is the national emergency number for Italy.
Servizio per la Prevenzione del Suicidio (SPS) (http://www.prevenireilsuicidio.it/) ) is a suicide prevention helpline whose mission is to give psychological and emotional support to anyone in suicidal crisis or to anyone who lost a dear one for suicide, through a confidential listening from an equipe of doctors, psychologists and volunteers . The helpline is operating from 9.30 am till 4.30 pm, from Monday to Friday, and it can be reached from all regions of Italy.
Samaritans – ONLUS (http://www.samaritansonlus.org) is available every day from 1pm to 10pm by calling 800 86 00 22 or 06 77208977.
Telefono Amico (http://www.telefonoamico.it) provides services everyday from 10am to 12am by calling 199284284.
Japan
110 and 119 are the national emergency numbers for police and ambulances in Japan.
TELL (http://telljp.com/lifeline/) provides a free, confidential English-language Lifeline service, plus clinical mental health services, for the international community in Japan.[7]
Befrienders Worldwide Osaka Suicide Prevent Center (http://www.spc-osaka.org)
Jordan
911 is the national emergency number in Jordan.
110 for Families & Children (https://www.jordanriver.jo/en/programs/protecting-children/110-families-children) The Helpline offers services in psychological support and consultation, as well as referrals. The initiative aims to alleviate the effect of risk factors children in vulnerable families are exposed to, including families facing challenges impairing their parenting, as well as abuse cases
South Korea
112 and 119 are the national emergency numbers for police and ambulances in South Korea.
Love-Line (Sarang – Jonwha) Counselling Centre Shingongduk-dong 9-22 Mapo-gu SEOUL 24 hours a day.
- Hotline: (2) 715 8600
- Hotline: (2) 716 8600
- Hotline: (2) 717 8600
- Hotline: (2) 718 8600
Cheju 159 Ildo 2-dong CHEJU Contact by: – Phone Hotline: (064) 52 9191
Choongju 178-5 Sungnae-dong
Choongju 380-010 CHOONGBUK Contact by: – Phone Hotline: (0441) 847-9191
Chunju
560-600 CHUNBUK Contact by: – Phone Hotline: (0652) 86-9191
INCHON Hotline: (032) 421 9191
Puchon 2nd 105-7 Wonmi-dong, Wonmi-Ku
Puchon 420-110
KYUMGKIDO Contact by: – Phone Hotline: (032) 663-9191
Pohang 414-15 Nambin-dong Buk-Ku
Pohang 791-040
KYUNGBUK Contact by: – Phone Hotline: (0562) 72-9191
Koyang Hyungjae Bld 499-2 Sungsa-dong Duchyang-Ku
Koyang 411-020 KYUNGKIDO Contact by: – Phone Hotline: (0344) 915-9191
Kimhae 305-20 Suhsang-dong Kimhae 621-030 KYUNGNAM Contact by: – Phone Hotline: (0525) 21-9191
Ulsan 627-20 Sinjung 1-dong, Nam-Ku
Ulsan 680-011 KYUNGNAM Contact by: – Phone Hotline: (0522) 67-9191
Pusan 607-1 Chunpo 4-dong, Pusanjin-Ku 614-044 PUSAN Contact by: – Phone Hotline: (051) 807-9191
Lifeline National Office 607-1 Chunpo 4-dong Pusanjin-Ku 614-044 PUSAN Contact by: – Phone Hotline: (82) 51 804 0896
SEOUL Contact by: – Phone Hotline: (02) 916-9191
TAEGI Contact by: – Phone Hotline: (053) 475-9191 Taejon Kukmin Bank, 4th 1194 Samchon-dong 302-220
TAEJON Contact by: – Phone Hotline: (042) 254-9191
Latvia
113 is the national emergency number in Latvia.
Skalbes.lv (http://www.skalbes.lv/) You can call them on +371 67222922 or +371 27722292 the lines are working 24h on all week days.
Lebanon
Suicide Hotline Lebanon (Embrace) : 1564
Embrace LifeLine (http://www.embracelifeline.org/) You can call them on 1564 the lines are working from 12 P.M until 2 A.M on all week days.
Liberia
Lifeline Liberia: 6534308
Luxembourg
112 is the national emergency number in Luxembourg.
454545.lu (https://454545.lu/) +352 45 45 45 the lines are working 11h-23h on all week days and 11h-3h on Friday and Saturday.
Malaysia
999 is the national emergency number in Malaysia.
Befrienders (http://www.befrienders.org.my) offers a 24/7, confidential hotline.
Befrienders hotline can be reached at 03-79568144 or 03-79568145.
Malta
Appogg Supportline 179
Mauritius
112 and 114 are the national emergency numbers for police and ambulances in Mauritius.
Befrienders Mauritius (http://www.befrienders.org/directory?country=MU) offer a limited-hour crisis helpline for English and French speakers.
Befrienders Maritius hotline can be reached at 800 93 93 +230 800 93 93 (available from 09:00 to 21:00 daily).
Mexico
911 is the national emergency number in Mexico.
SAPTEL (http://www.saptel.org.mx/index.html) is an independent care provider subsidized by the Mexican red cross. It can be reached at (55) 5259-8121. SAPTEL has been active since 2000. It is totally free and they are available Monday to Sunday 9:00 to 21:00. Provides crisis dialogue or treatment for anything related to mental health crisis.
Netherlands
112 is the national emergency number in the Netherlands.
Stichting 113Online (https://www.113.nl/) provides a 24/7 national suicide prevention phone line and webchat.
113Online hotline can be reached at 0900 0113.
113Online Webchat can be found at https://www.113.nl/ik-denk-aan-zelfmoord/crisislijn.
New Zealand
111 is the national emergency number in New Zealand.
1737, need to talk? (http://www.1737.org.nz) is the national mental health and addictions helpline. Free call or text 1737 any time for support from a trained counsellor.
Lifeline Aotearoa (http://www.lifeline.org.nz) is a New Zealand organisation providing free 24-hour counseling and phone help lines. It provides support, information and resources to people at risk of suicide, family and friends affected by suicide and people supporting someone with suicidal thoughts and/or suicidal behaviours. Call 09 5222 999 if you live within Auckland or 0800 543 354 for those outside of Auckland.
Youthline (https://www.youthline.co.nz) Call 0800 376 633 or text 234.
The Lowdown (https://thelowdown.co.nz) provides assistance in dealing with issues such as relationships, anxiety, and depression and are available by e-mail or texting 5626.
Norway
112 and 113 is the national emergency numbers for police and ambulances in Norway
Mental Helse Mental Helse (Mental Health). Can be reached at 116 123 and is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Mental Helse does also provide a chat-service at http://sidetmedord.no where users can write messages anonymously and get answers within 48-hours. A chat-service is also provided. It is open Mondays from 19.00 – 22.00 and Wednesdays: from 19.00 – 22.00. The chat-services may not always be open in July and on public celebration days or Sundays.
Kirkens SOS Kirkens SOS(The Church SOS). Can be reached at 22 40 00 40 and is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The line is free to call and confidential. Kirkens SOS does also provide an anonymous message service(which replies within 24-hours) 27 hours a day, 7 days a week and a chat open 7 days a week at 18.30 – 22.30.
The Philippines
911 is the national emergency number in the Philippines.
The Natasha Goulbourn Foundation (http://www.ngf-hope.org/contact-us/) provides 24/7 assistance to those who call (02) 804-HOPE (4673) or 0917 558 HOPE (4673)
Manila Lifeline Centre: (02) 8969191
Poland
112 is the national emergency number in Poland.
Olsztynski Telefon Zaufania ‘Anonimowy Przyjaciel (http://telefonzaufania.org/) provides 24/7 assistance as it’s the only unit of this type in Poland. They can be reached by calling 89 19288 or 89 527 00 00.
Portugal
112 is the national emergency number in Portugal.
Voz de Apoio (http://www.vozdeapoio.pt) is anonymous and confidential. You can speak to them by calling 225 50 60 70 or through Skype, face-to-face, or writing.
Sos Voz Amiga (http://www.sosvozamiga.org) is available daily from 4pm to 12am by calling 213 544 545, 912 802 669, or 963 524 660. Free Green Line callers can call 800 209 899 from 9pm to 12am.
Sos Estudante (http://sosestudante.pt) provides anonymous, confidential support every day from 8pm to 1am by calling 915 246 060, 969 554 545, 239 484 020 as well as through Skype.
Romania
112 is the national emergency number in Romania.
Alianţa Română de Prevenţie a Suicidului (http://www.antisuicid.com/) is a Romanian support helpline whose mission is to give psychological and emotional support to those that find themselves in depression, those who are in a psychological crisis and those who are suicidal. Help is offered by psychologists and volunteers from Psychology Universities.
Russia
112 is the national emergency number in Russia.
051 (or 8495051) is a 24 hour emergency number for Moscow residents
Samaritans (Cherepovets): 007 (8202) 577-577
Serbia
SRCE Novi Sad (http://www.centarsrce.org/): (+381) 21-6623-393
Singapore
999 and 995 are the national emergency numbers for the police and ambulances in Singapore.
The Samaritans of Singapore (https://sos.org.sg/) is the only 24-hour, toll-free, confidential suicide prevention hotline in Singapore, for anyone having difficulty coping during a crisis, who are thinking of suicide or affected by suicide.”
The Institute of Mental Health (Singapore) also has a 24-hour Mental Health Helpline (https://www.imh.com.sg/contact-us/) if you are facing a mental health crisis or emergency.”
The Singapore Association of Mental Health (http://www.samhealth.org.sg/) is a voluntary welfare organisation that provides a toll-free counselling helpline for those with emotional crisis or mental health conditions”
Slovakia
IPčko.sk (www.ipcko.sk) – Suicide prevention and psychological help (mainly for youth), providing online chat counseling service from 7am to midnight. IPčko also provides email counseling 24/7 on ipcko@ipcko.sk.
Slovenia
112 is the national emergency number in Slovenia.
Zaupni telefon Samarijan in Sopotnik (http://www.telefon-samarijan.si/) is available 24-hours a day, 7-days a week. The purpose of the organisation is to be available for a conversation to anyone suffering from distress. The confidential phone call hotline is carried out in accordance with the fundamental principles of the international organisation IFOTES. Qualified volunteers can be reached on the toll-free telephone number 116 123.
TOM – telefon za otroke in mladostnike (http://www.e-tom.si) is available 7-days a week from 13:00 – 20:00 and is primarily meant for children and adolescents in distress. The telephone functions within the Association of Friends of Youth of Slovenia (ZPMS). It serves the purpose of providing emotional support for children and young people who face various questions, dilemmas or distress during the process of growing up. Advisers are available to callers needing to share their problems or are seeking advice and additional information on the toll-free telephone number 116 111.
Klic v duševni stiski (http://www.psih-klinika.si/koristne-informacije/klic-v-dusevni-stiski/) is available 7-days a week 19:00 – 7:00. Counsellors of the hotline are trained to work with people and especially trained to talk with people who are having suicidal thoughts. However, you can call for help regardless of the cause of your distress. They are available on the telephone number (01) 520-99-00.
Ženska svetovalnica – krizni center (http://www.drustvo-zenska-svetovalnica.si/o-nas) is available 24-hours a day, 7-days a week. It is a voluntary women’s organisation that works in the field of psycho-social assistance and the self-help of women who are victims of violence. They offer free counseling, information on public service competencies and assistance in organizing self-help groups to women in need. They are available on the telephone number +386 31 233 211.
South Africa
10111 and 10177 are the national emergency numbers for the police and ambulances in South Africa.
The Triangle project (https://triangle.org.za/about/) provides a helpline where lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex people can talk to a trained professional. The professional will ensure the callers privacy and can also refer the caller to other support networks. It can be reached at (021) 712 6699 daily from 13:00 to 21:00. The counselor will then call you back.
Spain
112 is the national emergency number in Spain.
Teléfono de la Esperanza (http://www.telefonodelaesperanza.org) is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, allowing callers to discuss a range of challenges from trauma and suicide to relationship issues.They can be reached by calling 717 003 717.
Sri Lanka
Sri Lanka Sumithrayo – Bandarawela: 011 057 2222662
Saint Vincent and the Grenadines
The Samaritans, St. Vincent: (784) 456 1044
Sudan
Befrienders Khartoum: (249) 11-555-253
Sweden
112 is the national emergency number in Sweden.
Självmordslinjen (Suicide prevention hotline) (https://mind.se/sjalvmordslinjen/) is a registered Non-profit organisation that has worked with mental health since 1931. The organisation provides a 24-hour email, chat and hotline service, all of which are toll-free.
Hjälplinjen (The help line) (https://www.1177.se/Stockholm/Om-1177/Om-Hjalplinjen/) offers temporary psychological support over the phone (toll-free), 7 days a week 13:00 – 22:00. You can opt to be anonymous.[17] The service is run by Sweden’s municipalities through Vårdguiden (the care guide).
BRIS – Barnens rätt i samhället (Children’s right in society) (https://www.bris.se/) is a children’s right organisation. they offer toll-free and anonymous support for all children and young adults up to the age of 18 through phone and chat every day of the year 14:00 – 21:00. BRIS can be reached at 116 111 but also offers contact to curators through email and contact with other youth through their online forum.
Switzerland
112 is the national emergency number in Switzerland.
Die dargebotene Hand (https://www.143.ch/): 143 (helpline for any kind of life crisis and mental health problems)
Taiwan
Kaohsiung Life Line: http://www.life1995.org.tw/
Thailand
Samaritans of Thailand: (02) 713-6793
Tonga
Lifeline: 23000
Trinidad and Tobago
Lifeline: (868) 645 2800
Turkey
Emergency Hotline: 182
United Kingdom
999 and 112 is the national emergency number in the United Kingdom
111, Option 2, is the National Health Services’ First Response Service for mental health crises and support.
Samaritans (http://www.samaritans.org/) is a registered charity aimed at providing emotional support to anyone in distress or at risk of suicide throughout the United Kingdom.[20] They provide a 24/7, toll-free crisis line, as well as local branches.
Samaritans Helpline can be reached at 116 123.
Samaritans’ previous hotline number, 08457 90 90 90, is no longer in use. Calling this line may result in charges for call forwarding.
Campaign Against Living Miserably (https://www.thecalmzone.net/) is a registered charity based in England. It was launched in March 2006 as a campaign aimed at bringing the suicide rate down among men aged 15–35.[22] It has a limited-hour phone and webchat options.
CALM (Nationwide) can be reached at 58 58 58 0800 58 58 58 (available every day from 5PM to midnight).
CALM (London) can be reached at 802 58 58 0808 802 58 58 (available every day from 5PM to midnight).
CALM webchat can be found at https://www.thecalmzone.net/help/get-help/ (available every day from 5PM to midnight).
United States
911 is the national emergency number in the United States.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/) is a 24-hour, toll-free, confidential suicide prevention hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. It provides Spanish-speaking counselors, as well as options for deaf and hard of hearing individuals. It is only available in the United States. A 24-hour an Online Chat in partnership with Contact USA is also available.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be reached at 1-800-273-8255.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (ESP) can be reached at 1-888-628-9454
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (Deaf & Hard of Hearing Options) can be reached at 1-800-799-4889
The Veterans Crisis Line (https://www.veteranscrisisline.net/) is a 24-hour, toll-free hotline that provides phone, webchat, and text options available to military veterans and their families. It provides options for deaf and hard of hearing individuals.
The Veterans Crisis Line can be reached at 1-800-273-8255, Press 1.
The Crisis Text Line (crisistextline.org) is the only 24/7, nationwide crisis-intervention text-message hotline.
The Crisis Text Line can be reached by texting HOME to 741-741.
Samaritans USA (http://www.samaritansusa.org/) is a registered charity aimed at providing emotional support to anyone in distress or at risk of suicide throughout the United States.
The Trevor Project (http://www.thetrevorproject.org/) is a nationwide organization that provides a 24-hour phone hotline, as well as limited-hour webchat and text options, for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth.
The TrevorLifeline can be reached at 1-866-488-7386.
TrevorChat can be found at https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help-now/ (available 7 days a week from 3PM to 10PM ET).
TrevorText can be reached by texting TREVOR to 1-202-304-1200 (available M-F from 3PM to 10PM ET).
The Trans Lifeline (https://www.translifeline.org/) is a nonprofit organization that is created by and for the transgender community, providing crisis intervention hotlines, staffed by transgender individuals, available in the United States and Canada.
The Trans Lifeline can be reached at 1-877-565-8860.
by Band Back Together | Dec 14, 2018 | Abuse, Ask The Band, Emotional Abuse |
Every Friday, Band Back Together runs an advice column, in which our (wise) readers help you answer the questions you need answered.
You can even do this anonymously.
Now let’s get our advice on:
I have a brother. A big brother.
In my mind’s eye, a big brother…they’re protective. They love their little sisters. It’s what I have strived for my entire life. I vividly remember the two times he played with me as a child. He is almost four years older than I am. So, maybe that makes sense.
When I was seventeen, I had a twenty-four year old boyfriend, who beat the hell out of me in a parking lot. My brother wanted to know “What did you do?”
A few months later, I was in a car accident on the way to Lollapalooza. Within ten minutes, the car (totaled), the cops and emergency was gone. And I was on the side of the road with a few friends, in a neighboring state. Our parents were out of town, though our grandmother lived with us. My brother was staying with her.
I called on a payphone, and was told he had to be work early, so….
I hitchhiked home in the back of a CRX hatchback.
When I found I was pregnant at nineteen, I asked him to come with me to tell our parents. He called me a whore and hung up on me.
On my wedding day, seven months pregnant in the middle of record-breaking heat, my ankles had swollen… “You look like the Michelin Man.”
His wedding “I know you don’t think I love you, but I do.”
After I had caught the other bridesmaids, sisters and friends of his wife, talking about the “fat, tattooed bridesmaid.”
I begged to babysit their children. I was the first to hold one of their twins, who were born at thirty weeks. I was only allowed three times, and it was made abundantly clear to me, I was their last choice.
So, I stopped.
I stopped trying.
It was clear there wasn’t anything there.
Ten years ago, ten days before Christmas, our father died. He was My Person. I adored him, though I clearly saw him for who he was, flaws and all. My mother is extraordinarily religious, and is much more concerned about the state of my soul than our relationship.
My brother and I get closer.
He tells our mother “I always thought I knew who she was, turns out I didn’t.”
His twins are a year younger than my youngest son, almost to the day. My son was never invited to a single birthday party. Arranging just ME paying for snowballs, at the place around the corner from their home, took a year and a half to arrange. They live fifteen minutes away from us.
I stop.
I acknowledge I cannot change anyone else’s behavior. I text my nephews on their phones, and my little niece gets hers for Christmas this year.
Our father has been dead for ten years, this year. I am forty-three years old, as of last weekend. I’m not ready.
We do not have extended family. They are either dead, or halfway across the country.
We literally only have each other.
I moved Thanksgiving to my home, when it was both my brother’s and my family’s year to be with our in-laws. Our mother isn’t getting another one, you know?
I asked him if he wanted to come. He said it was his year at his in-laws. I responded it was mine as well, but with everything going on, maybe he could switch up years?
He didn’t even bother to respond.
I completely understand that I want more out of him, than he has to give. He is an amazing father and husband, and incredibly talented musician…but I, me and mine…we just aren’t on his radar. And I cannot MAKE that happen. I cannot make him want it. And while I thought I’d made peace with that….turns out, I’m just fucking pissed off. I pissed off that I have NEVER had a relationship with my only sibling, my only family, besides the one I made….and I also know I cannot change it.
But I am SO GODDAMN ANGRY.
Our only surviving parent is fucking dying, and you can’t even show up now?
I am having coffee with him next week, and I have nothing to say. Or entirely too much to say. I could really, REALLY use some advice.
Do I keep it light and ignore it? Or tackle it tactfully? Or just bulldoze? GAH!
