What you may or may not read below is something that you should be warned about. While not particularly graphic, the post contains strong themes such as child loss, stillbirth, baby loss, and suicide. If you feel that you cannot handle any of those triggers, please click here to be taken away to a world of glittery whimsy. Don’t feel as though you should read this if you’re not ready or if you’re never ready. Part of being healthy is being able to stop yourself if you’re uncomfortable with the following post.
I need you to know that this is a first for our site and that I left it alone for a long time because I didn’t want to do more harm than good. Finally, it dawned on me that this anonymous poster (who I simply cannot locate – I tried) gave us her deepest feelings and fears. Even if I am uncomfortable (and I am), these are her sacred words, and they deserve to see the light of day. You’re very welcome to reach out to me via email: becky@bandbacktogether.com
This site has a motto, a simple one: we are none of us alone, we are all connected.
We take stories here – all of them – and this is no different.
These are her sacred words that she wanted me to share with you.
And so I am.
If you are feeling alone, scared, helpless, and suicidal, please contact the National (US) Suicide Lifeline, which provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, across the United States. Call 1-800-273-8255.
AT THIS TIME, THE SUICIDE HOTLINE CODE 988 IS NOT ACTIVE.
Baby Olive ✝️ July 2016
I was around 7 months pregnant when I lost my baby girl.
…I do not know how to cope with her loss anymore, i never really opened up about the pain and grief and the more time goes on the worse it gets.
I feel guilty and out of line when i speak about her on any other day except for her birthday… this year I could not even speak to anyone about her.
I don’t even understand what I must feel and what the normal grieving process is. Some nights even feel worse than the nights I lost her.
I had this idea that i would be over it by now or that I would not think about her so much.
I thought time would make it all better…..
tonight is one of the worse nights I’ve had. I just started missing her more than ever and then I felt like my heart is shattered all over again.
i can barely breathe from the crying, I feel the pain in my throat. My heart feels like it is being ripped out right now.
The image of her little lifeless body in front of me is stuck inside my head. She just looked like she was sleeping.
I just needed her her to breathe.
I just needed her to breathe.
Why did she die???
Why did she have to die?
I can’t explain this pain.
I don’t think anyone will understand what I feel right now. If I ever had to talk to anyone about this pain, what would they think? I just can’t talk to anyone! I will just be a burden or they will think I am seeking attention; that is mostly the case when i bring her name up to my ex-husband. I didn’t mean to blame him for not being able to save her, all the build up hurt just got the best of me. The grief turned into hate, hate towards people that do not deserve it, it made me push them away.
i just feel like screaming now!
Sometimes I wonder if I will feel better if I could talk about her, sometimes I wonder if it will ever get better….
Will I ever get closure?
i do not think i will male it through this pain…
i smile the whole day so no one even notices how broken I am. Once I am alone, I break down.
It is like a black hole that just gets bigger…
The pain consumes more of me each day.
Suicide is no longer just a thought, it is a pat of my plan, it is a matter of fact.
I am not scared anymore to go
I am so sorry for what i leave behind; the people I love that I leave behind. They don’t deserve it, my kids, my family, and my friends don’t deserve it… they have done nothing wrong.
i Just cannot go on , i have died inside a long time ago. Who i am now is just a body that is on repeat and that is not life. Feeling so numb and hurting this much is unbearable.
I hope the ones i leave behind will try and understand. On the brighter side at least my ex-husband will be happy.
I just want to go home, I want to be in heaven , I want to rest with my baby Olive.
I don’t belong here anymore.
After her loss, I tried my best to be happy, but I’ve never been happy again since she has died. I mastered the art of pretending to be happy at least , but I just can’t feel it. Funny how i even have the nickname “Smiley”… lol
If there was a person i’d have been able to open up about her, it would have been her father, but because of the ways in which i brought her up in our fights, he doesn’t want to hear anything about her.
I guess I cant blame him; it is my own fault … I never had a guideline or a manual on how to deal with the mixed emotions and thoughts her death caused.
I kept quiet about so many feelings that I should have shared and I lashed out about so many thoughts I should have kept to myself.
Anyway, it is to late late for the “should have’s” and “what if’s” and “if only i hads.”
Nothing will bring her back and nothing will change this pain. All this hurt killed me inside.
I didn’t die that long after she died; now it’s just my body that is left behind wondering around, longing to go, waiting impatiently to go.
Yes, I do think my death will be a shock to everyone in my life including my boyfriend ( which is the most amazing guy on earth). Some people don’t even know about Baby Olive, so most people that are the closest to me wont even link my death with hers.
The truth is i that just want to go. I feel so numb to their opinion about why I left – it won’t even matter. There won’t be a note it a sign before if I go, I will just go.
i guess the only reason i am still here is to finalize a few things before I go. I want my departure to be easy for those I leave behind, I want to be quickly forgotten. I don’t want anyone to hurt or feel guilty. My wish is to make it seem like an accident.
I am not even sure whyIi wrote this. If i ever had to say i am sorry, i will say sorry to her father for the anger and the blame and the hurt. I would have apologized for the person i was, I am sorry for my actions and how they affected you. I am sorry for being so controlling and crazy over you. I just never loved the way I loved my husband and I’ve never hurt like the day i lost her.
I am not good at handling those strong emotions – it just comes out wrong and I am sorry. Sorry will never fix anything and even if I had the chance to say sorry now, I know it won’t matter.
It has been 3 years.
I don’t even think you will remember. I know that you are happy now, I know you love her more than me, I know she is so much better and prettier than me, and that is good.
I will not bother to disturb anyone.
Whatever is left unsaid will forever be…
i guess writing this gave me some peace before I go, even if it will never be read or understood. Even if those i leave behind will never know that I got some peace before i go.
i feel so much better to knowIi can finally go. I feel it’s so selfish, yet I am no longer living even if i stay.
I will give my family my very best to make sure they know how much i love them and how much i appreciate them.
They are the best; that’s why i want to go without them considering suicide.
While everyone starts off with a new year, I just wish to start of with my eternal life without this pain and hurt.
i guess I am hoping to meet her there too … most nights, the thought of meeting her soon helps me to fall asleep.
I don’t know what I was supposed to feel or how, how to soothe this pain, but I do know i want to end it.
and i will.
I guess that’s just where my story ends.
my book of life has been completed and i guess not every story gets that happy ending.
I leave to see you breath, my angel.
In memory of my baby girl,
Olive van der Lingen
Mama Bear, my heart breaks for you. You’ve experienced the most awful loss imaginable. I honor you sharing the precious memory of sweet Olive with us. We will cherish and hold tight your special, sacred words. I’m sending you all my hope for comfort and love to mend your hurting soul. You are deeply loved. I’m so sorry for your tragedy. All my hugs.
❤️
My heart is crushed for you. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of what you’re going through. Thank you for sharing Olive’s story with us and opening up about your own pain. I’m sending all my love and hope that your heart and soul heal soon. <3
❤️
I am so, so sorry for your loss.
❤️
Dear grieving mother,
Your loss is heart wrenching and your pain is palpable. I am so very sorry for your loss. I am also so sorry that you didn’t have anyone you felt you could talk to. To be alone in grief this big is horrendous. You have reached out to a group with many listening ears. We can’t take away your pain, but we might help you bear it. If you read these messages, I hope you will continue to reach out to us or to a support group for bereaved parents. If this is the end of your story, then it’s time we start working on the epilogue.
❤️
Thank you to each and every message i appreciate the support dearly.
Love,
Olive’s Mom
Reaching out has helped a lot and i also reached out to a family member.
I am glad that i pulled myself out mentally and i feel like a different person.
I also started by helping others where i can e.g registering for bone marrow donation and donating blood it gives me another reason to hold on as well as spending more time with my two daughters has also cleared my mind and made me realize it is okay to break down for a minute but it is not okay to leave them behind without a mother.
This blog has also helped me realize that there is so much people with the same pain and that it is okay to open up and that there is support without judgement and i thank each and every person that shared their concern and opened up about similar heartache it really does make my burden more bearable.
Dear Becky and fellow supporters,
I am unsure of where to begin ….
Reading back on my post i realize how disturbing it was and that my judgement on that night was wrong.
However i do thank you for the support , it was my first time that i reached to such a low level emotionally and the holiday blues just made it worse for me.
However it did help so much seeing all my love ones again during the holiday season because my work is of such nature that it requires me to be away from home for long periods at a time. There is currently no construction / mining projects with open positions close to home and our project has a lot of shift changes according to project scope changes. Due to that i have isolated myself for a few years not realizing the emotional damage i caused.
However after my post and reconnecting with my friends at home during the holidays i realized that there is so much beauty in healing too. When i came back i also started being more social and involved in charity events, small talk to fellow neighbors and joining the church again which i have not done the past couple of years.
The blog made me realize that it is important to realize your weaknesses and pain to be able to adjust your lifestyle more for improved mental health and to help you heal and use the life experiences you went through to help others in need although it might not be directly linked to your own pain. Since i started healing from my pain i have grown to be such a better and kinder person and although it has only been just over a month i am exited for my life ahead and it feels full of purpose again.
I still miss her so much , but using the pain to help other people in need has changed the experience from a dead end to a positive life choice without the requiring of medication or seeing a therapist and i really thank you for that from the bottom of my heart.
And again i really apologize for my post it was an emotional breakdown of all the hurt of the divorce and her loss that has just smothered me that night without any trigger , but i am certain that i will never reached that point again
I am glad to hear you are doing better. There is absolutely no apology necessary. We are always here for you when you need support.
Precious Mama,
I cannot express how happy I am to hear that you’re doing okay. There are so many people out here (who you don’t know) rooting for you, understanding your terrible loss, and sending you tons of love and encouragement. Hugs!
You matter. You are suffering from an unfathomable (to many) lost, and it doesn’t matter that it’s been 3 years or 3 decades. We will help you honor your Olive, as well as celebrate your life.
Oh, Olive’s Mom,
I’m so glad you’re still with us and have found some light in the darkness. You are necessary and valuable to this world. Don’t apologize for expressing your despair – letting it out makes some room for other feelings. Good luck to you, and I hope things keep getting more tolerable. Your girls need you and will provide another source of light.
Ohhh, I am so happy to see that you are still with us. I suffered a similar loss and it is the most difficult loss…and it takes a LONG time to feel better. You will never get “over it” and anyone who uses that term will never understand your feelings but they are real and they are valid and you are not alone. You will move forward, you will find a new normal, but you are never “over it.” It sounds like you are beginning to heal and I’m so proud of you for the positive decisions you’ve been able to make and that you are finding reasons to live and feel happiness again. I hope your healing continues and that you have much happiness in the future.