My abusive ex is controlling me through my kids. He knows that’s my weak spot because I would do anything for my kids. It’s a power play.
He only takes the kids to spite me. He was uninvolved in their lives from the second they were born until the day he walked out the door. But, as soon as he left he decided he wanted to be a parent. Well, he wanted to portray the image of being a parent. He wanted the kids because I wanted the kids and he could never stand to give me what I wanted.
When he has them, they don’t eat lunch, they don’t sleep well, he emotionally abuses them. He leaves them with complete strangers so he doesn’t have to “deal” with them. He has told my 6-year old daughter that she is fat and ugly. He allows his girlfriend to call her a fucking liar (she’s not a liar). My 2-year old son has been strapped in his highchair for hours in time-out, not because he was bad, but because he was acting like a normal 2-year old boy.
It sickens me.
I know the emotional abuse that he is capable of and now I am required, by a court order, to send my children into this nightmare.
How to you explain that to your children? What do you say when they are begging you not to send them? When they tell you daddy is a bad person? How do you respond when they ask you to make it stop, make it better and you can’t?
I have escaped but I feel like my children suffer in my place. I am their Mommy. Mommy makes things right.
I have a contempt of court hearing at the end of October. He has been violating the custody arrangement for quite some time. I am terrified of this court date. I have witnesses who are going to testify about what they have seen. I hired a Private Investigator who has documentation and videos that show him willfully breaking the court order. But, what if! What if I don’t win? What if he still gets custody? How do I explain this to my children?
I have tried everything in my power to help them but it seems like everything I do makes things worse. The more I fight for them the worse he gets. I have even tried getting them counseling but state law requires BOTH parents to consent to counseling.
How is that right? It seems crazy to me. My children are being emotionally abused but I need the abuser’s signature to get them help. That, to me, is equivalent to asking someone who is physically or sexually abusing someone to give them consent to get help. No abuser is going to admit to abuse.
It angers me that the court isn’t acknowledging the long-term affects of emotional abuse. I may not have been beaten, my children may not have bruises but, we are hurting. Emotional scars don’t ever completely heal. I know that my children will suffer from what they are experiencing now and I can’t do anything.
We have so much love and support from family and friends but I still feel alone. No one can help me.
I just want to fix it and I can’t.
I don’t know that this will help, but you probably have another year or two before your son has long-term effects from this, so you do have time to help them. Your daughter, at 6, will probably not forget what has happened, but it might make her more careful later in life about whom she dates.
My dad was not a good one, and like your ex, allowed his girlfriend to say things she shouldn’t have in front of me and to me (which to this day he denies ever happened), and I was about 5 or 6, and I remember it. I am not scarred by it by any means, but I remember what happened and how he let her be unpleasant to me, and I know not to be with someone who might treat my future child like that. If it keeps going, it might do damage, but at this point I would honestly say that your son won’t be effected and your daughter will probably learn from it. She obviously knows not to believe it from what you say, she knows not to listen and so hopefully she will learn not to let “that kind” of person into her life when she is an adult, from direct experience.
I never went through a “bad boy” phase that hurts so many girls in their teens and twenties. I skipped right past that into mostly healthy relationships, or at least ones with nice guys. I believe this is because I knew as a child what “bad boys” ended up as, and knew that I didn’t want that in my life the way it had been in my mother’s.
Honey, I am terrified for you. Keep a positive attitude. I don’t know what state you live in but that is absolutely absurd to need both parents agreement. I would look into other places, check different resources, not necessarily an office type setting (check with local abuse shelters, 1800 numbers etc) I am keeping you in my thoughts and I will be positive for you that the justice system will come through for you and you will have a positive out come. Keep your babies safe. Sending all of my positive vibes your way!
I just wanted to say that I am so sorry. You sounds like an amazing mother, and I hope you’re able to get your babies out of this situation. I’ll be hoping for the best for you.
Thanks you for your comments! We had court today and we did pretty well. He is down to 1 visit a week for dinner with no overnights or weekends and the court requested counseling. I go back in dec to finalize everything but so far so good. I feel like a weight has been lifted!
This site is AMAZING. The support here has helped me keep my sanity! I am sure I still have many struggles ahead of me and I am so grateful to have found such an amzing group of people. Aunt Becky YOU ROCK. I don’t know if you will ever fully realize how much you are helping people! You are an absolutly amazing person! THANK YOU!
Jen Congratulations on the court outcome. I hope you know we are all here for you.