I have had so much on my mind lately.

So many things make me question my worthiness.  I don’t even know.  I don’t even know what I want to say.  Usually I pull out my journal and just write until my hand cramps. Everything that comes from my head through my fingers. Usually it doesn’t make sense. But I need to get it out.

So that is where I am today.

First. I have missed the Band so much. I am so grateful it is back together again!

I was fired last year from a job I HATED! but loved at the same time. I was a teacher in a 2-year old classroom. I loved my kids. Even on the worst days they made me smile.

People left, got new jobs. People were hired that didn’t like the way my classroom ran. They didn’t have the heart for 2-year olds. They accused me of some shady shit and state got involved. It was bad. I cried every day for a few months. I was terrified!

I mean, this is what I know I was put on this planet to do!

And it was taken away from me and ruined by some 18-year old snot nosed little bitch who didn’t want to work where she was told. I could go into a rant about entitlement here but that would be another post for another day. Ultimately she made up things that just weren’t true.

And to deal with it, I was fired. I was HEARTBROKEN!  I was losing my kids. I couldn’t tell them why. I couldn’t tell the parents why. It was absolute bullshit! I was so hurt and angry. These people I worked with I thought were some of my best friends!

Guess what? I’ve talked to them maybe 5 times in the last year. They don’t care; I didn’t matter.

That is when I get into my head.  See, I have heard my whole life that I don’t matter.  That I am not good enough. That I am ugly and clumsy and not proportioned right – and too skinny, and too fat.

I was told I was stupid. 

I believe all of these things to be true.

If the people in my life who are supposed to love me the most say these things to me as a child, they have to be true.

I don’t have relationships. I have people around me who I know I am not good enough for.  I was just starting to actually build some self-confidence, believing that I was worthy of a friend.

BAM!

Once again, I was told I am a terrible human; I don’t deserve friends, don’t deserve to do what I love.

I really thought my ‘friends’ wouldn’t disappear.  I thought I might actually matter enough. And reality, once again, slapped me in the face.

It made me realize that I don’t have a single true friend. Someone I know I can call any time of the day and talk or cry or not talk or laugh.

I constantly feel like a burden. I don’t have a relationship with my own sister. Sure, I love her, I want to be her friend, but I am not even worthy of that.  I feel so incredibly alone….. Even surrounded by people.

I know if I weren’t there, no one would notice. Or they’d be talking crap about me.

I have a new job now that I absolutely love and I work with some great people. But my walls are even higher than ever now: I can’t let anyone in. I can’t be devastated like that any more. It’s crushed me.

It’s happened more times in my life than I can count.

And here I am, rambling again.

I even suck at writing. I just wish I had a person. Someone who really cared. Someone I could give all my secrets too. Even the ones I am not so proud of. The ones that make me terrified.

I just want to feel worthy of someone.

To know that I matter.