A friend of mine helped me realize last night that in addition to my ex being emotionally abusive, he was sexually abusive as well. I hate even typing that, because it sounds like "poor me; pity me, he was so terrible," but it is a fact.
Sexual Abuse, by definition, is forcing of undesired sexual behavior by one person upon another. It includes non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior (rape and sexual assault), non-consensual verbal sexual demands, and the use of a position of trust to compel otherwise unwanted sexual activity without physical force.
My ex - who was in a position of trust as my boyfriend - is guilty of all of these things. He'd routinely manipulate; guilt me into doing things sexually that I didn't want to do. Other times, he'd physically force me to perform sexual acts using the justification that as I am a submissive, so he had free reign to ignore it when I said "no" or used our "safe-signal." Sometimes, he'd gag me and tie me up so I couldn't say "no" or signal to him to stop. Sometimes, even when I did, he ignored them.
My ex forced me to engage in anal sex. I vividly remember once he wanted it but didn't want to use lube. I kept saying, "Please stop, it fucking hurts" as I tried to crawl away from him. He stopped for ten seconds and said "I'm sorry," to which I replied, "It's okay, it just hurts." He replied, "No, I'm sorry because you're going to just take it."
So he continued to fuck me.
Up until last night, I dismissed this as being okay because we were dating and I...didn't want to admit to any of it. I still don't. I want to brush it off and say he didn't mean to abuse me like that. Hell, maybe he didn't, but that's what happened.
This is really hard for me to talk about. I want to play it off; pretend it didn't happen. Even as I'm writing this, knowing what I would say it was if it was a friend who had gone through that, I cannot bring myself to say the one word that describes that particular incident. This is painful for me. But I have to get it out to start healing.
But admitting that someone I was dating; someone I loved, someone I thought loved me, emotionally and sexually abused me is so hard. Knowing he feels no remorse and would likely argue that this was abuse; would say I wanted it, asked for it, could have stopped it...admitting it makes me sick.
And while I know that I should never blame myself for sexual abuse, or abuse of any kind, I can't stop feeling it was my fault that I didn't get away from him. I would never, ever think this about a friend, or any other survivor. It's victim-blaming and I despise people that do that, but I cannot stop it: I feel disgusting. I feel as though I deserved the abuse for staying with him, for continually going back to him.
I'm struggling. This post has no happy ending, no moral: I just need to talk about this. I need to get this out.
I need to forgive myself; stop blaming myself and begin to heal.
I am a survivor, many times over.
To my current boyfriend: thank you for not judging me or thinking less of me. I love you, and thank you for being willing to help me through this.
To The Band, this is my story:
I was in love with someone for three years. He used my love, trust and submission to emotionally and sexually abuse me. I couldn't see it until now. I am a survivor. I won't let what he did to me in the name of feeling powerful and in control affect my life now. I won't let him take away my sexual confidence and security. I won't let him change what I think of myself. I will tell myself daily that it was *not my fault* until I am okay again.
In the end, that's all I can do.