by Band Back Together | Aug 25, 2014 | Coping With Depression, Depression, Happiness, Major Depressive Disorder, Therapy |
This has been a long time coming.
Months – if not years – of untreated depression, followed by years of depression treated with therapy. Then an all-too-brief period of remission before a slip back into depression that happened both slowly and all at once, so I didn’t even realize it at first.
It was different this time. I looked okay on the outside to all but those closest to me. I wasn’t having a breakdown every day or pulling the car over on the drive to my friends’ house to cry or to throw up. I was going to work.
But this time, I was tired of trying.
I put all that effort into getting better through sheer will, and it didn’t stick. I was frustrated. And though I absolutely didn’t want to kill myself, I needed everything to stop. I needed to be done.
I didn’t let on how relieved I was when my therapist suggested we re-visit the idea of medication.
It took a few weeks, of course. The transition wasn’t that bad. An acute breakdown caused by stress at work, which was unpleasant but okay because I’d dealt with that intense depression attack before. Then a slide back into the all-pervading guilt. But then one day I woke up feeling happy.
A fluke, I thought.
Then it happened again.
And again.
I’m on day four now, and I feel like I can function. I don’t feel stressed, I don’t feel guilty about absolutely everything.
Some things didn’t change. My coworker still drives me insane. My friends can be boring. My dog needs too much attention. But these things don’t drive me to the brink of giving up. They feel like standard downs of life, to balance out the standard ups I’ve been re-experiencing.
The ups.
I love the ups.
I almost feel like I don’t deserve this, but I know that undeserving feeling will go away as the medication continues to work. It feels strange to be able to sit here on a long weekend, doing nothing, enjoying the cloudy, wet weather. It feels strange to enjoy doing nothing, for that matter. It feels almost too good for me to see a cute guy at church and decide to go talk to him. Do normal people enjoy life this much? I’d forgotten.
It’s a simple enjoyment, but it feels right.
I don’t want to go back to the way it was before.
by Band Back Together | Aug 22, 2014 | Bullying, Coping With Bullying, How To Heal From Being Bullied, Teen Bullying |
Here at The Band, we believe in kicking stigmas to the curb, flinging glitter, and shining a light into the dark.
And now? Your bandmate needs a sounding board.
It’s time to Ask The Band!
I’m still being bullied and telling my parents and teachers didn’t work out that well. My bullies became wiser, and there is no proof to show what they’ve done to me. You can’t prove someone’s words. This has been going on nearly a year. And they influence even more people, day by day. I have avoided talking to them as much as possible, but they’re my classmates. I see them every shitty day, eight hours straight. Even people who don’t know me hate me. (Seriously, people?)
So I made a decision.
I want to transfer to another school after taking my finals. I’m in my 10th grade right now.
But how do I tell my mum? I’m now studying in one of the best all-girls school in town. My parents actually made efforts to send me there. My parents don’t approve of the other school. I can study really well, so either school is the same for me. My school has an excellent academic reputation, but lots of bitches to screw with me.
The other school is a not famous co-ed school, with lots of troublemakers. (Rumors? I don’t know…) My fear is what if I’m still bullied when I’m in my new school?
I’m gonna lay low. I don’t care about my reputation, I just need a calm life.
So, how the hell do I tell my parents? How to convince them? Should I transfer?
I was thinking of getting straight A’s for my finals to convince them, don’t know if I can nail that.
by Band Back Together | Aug 21, 2014 | A Letter I Can't Send, Anger, Feelings, Loneliness, Love, Romantic Relationships |
We all have letters we’d like to send, but know that we can’t. A letter to someone we no longer have a relationship with, a letter to a family member or friend who has died, a letter to reclaim our power or our voice from an abuser.
Letters where actual contact is just not possible.
Do you have a letter you can’t send?
Why not send it to The Band?
Dear Nick,
Fine, I’ll be here for when you need some quick sex or someone to yell at. Don’t worry about my fucking sanity, all that matters is yours. You have put me through so much yet hardly want to own up to it.
I have told you things about me that no one knows. When I opened up to you last night about some things that my ex said, I thought that I would receive the same compassion and comfort that I give to you when all you want to do is die. But I was wrong. You had zero compassion, or love, or understanding for what he put me through. I don’t care about him, I really don’t. But it still hurts that someone I had given everything to told me that I don’t meet his standards. Can you understand that?
Do you know how much that hurt me? You don’t seem to care what I’m feeling as long as you get laid and have someone to comfort you. What the hell am I supposed to do if I get hurt? If you can’t say a few comforting words when I’m reliving a bad memory, what happens if I really get hurt? Why am I so willing to put myself through the wringer for someone who doesn’t seem to care?
by Band Back Together | Aug 16, 2014 | Anxiety, Depression, Feelings, Loneliness, Love |
Please remember, in the midst of all the tragedies happening in the world today and every day – that you – YOU – yourself – YOU – the individual – YOU are LOVED.
So many people suffer in silence. So many people ache with the feelings of loneliness and a longing for support. It is out there. WE are out here. Ready to hold your hand, read your words, make you smile.
And please, take care of yourself today. Every day. Whether it’s your history with depression, anxiety, shame or pain, or that of a loved one, a friend, family member, you’re allowed to walk away. You don’t have to read all of the things. You just don’t.
So take a break from Facebook. Stop clicking those links. Take a break from the Internet entirely if you must. Read a magazine, a book, a cereal box. Watch your favorite happy movie. Or sad one if you need that release.
Take care of you. Self-care is critical.
by Band Back Together | Aug 15, 2014 | Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse, Child Abuse, Child Sexual Abuse |
First off, can I do this, The Band?
Today, my therapist told me I was ready to read/do this workbook. She said I was emotionally and mentally stable enough to try and retrain my brain as far as sex goes. To me, its dirty and wrong due to my childhood sexual abuse. This book is about accepting and coming to terms that I was abused and how to sort out all the emotions and issues that has caused and continues to cause.
I am starting it immediately and will update in case anyone wants to see how it works for me.
If you are like me and have warped feelings and opinions on sex after being abused, know that it is a normal response to an abnormal event. I never want sex and it’s created a barrier between my husband and I for a long time. I hope this workbook helps me fix that.
Anyways, here is the amazon link if you want to check it out. I am in no way shape or form associated with them, I just learned about this book today from my therapist and wanted to share it with The Band since there are so many like me out there unfortunately.
The Courage to Heal: A Guide For Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse
