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Ask The Band: Need Advice On BFF’s Affair

Okay, Band, I am in a quandary and need some mature advice.

My closest friend cheated on her husband this year, her husband found out, and they decided to stay together and work on their marriage.

Last week, my friend confided in me that she had been cheating again (same guy), but it ended the week before she told me. Only this time she did not plan to tell her husband. Our husbands are also close friends and in business together. She told me this but also straight-up said that it was okay for me to tell my husband about what she’s been up to. Because my husband and I love them both and also value the truth, we each talked to her separately and urged her to tell her husband the truth. She agreed that she should be honest with her husband if her marriage had a real chance at being repaired.

Last weekend, she told me that she’d told him, but that they were going to keep the matter to themselves and seek counseling. Over the course of the week it became obvious that her husband had no clue about her affair. My husband and I agonized over what to do.

Did we (1) urge her again to come clean or (2) leave it alone?

We chose option 1. She blew up and told us to back-off. So we did…but with nagging consciences.

Today, my husband decided that if his friend found out at a later date that his had wife cheated again, and found out that we knew about it and hadn’t told him—well, he just couldn’t live with that.

So without actually telling him outright, he gently told his friend today that his wife was not being truthful and he needed to talk to her. (I had no clue he was going to say anything to him.)

My friend’s husband went home to confront her.

Needless to say, the poo hit the fan and the truth is out. Now she’s lashing out at my husband for talking to her husband and “ruining her life.” I feel awful about the whole thing; I love my best friend and her husband as well. They have been amazing friends.

I would love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation—do you think my husband did the right thing?

Would you tell your friend if their spouse had cheated on them? Could you live with yourself if you knew and did nothing? Where do we go from here?

Ask The Band: I Think My Boss Wants To Sleep With Me

I know this is going to sound totally gross and the more I go on the grosser it’s going to sound, but please, hear me out. I’m in trouble here, folks.

I think my boss wants to sleep with me

When I say I think, I mean I’m about 97.5% certain.

He’s not just my boss; he’s also my friend. He’s also 62. He’s also my best friend’s dad. He’s also married. And I could say all sorts of shit, like ‘He’s 62 but he’s a YOUNG 62,’ or ‘He’s married, but his wife’s a drunk and from the outside it sure looks like they have a craptastic marriage,’ but that is making excuses. I’m not doing that.

In the last several months we’ve become good friends. There are times when we’re alone at the office and we hang out and chat. We talk about all sorts of stuff: music, arts, culture, literature, blah blah blah blah blah. He’s interesting and funny and a really good friend.

Years ago I dated a man who was 29 years my senior. I’ve never hidden that. In fact, when I started working at my current place of employment the (old) gentlemen and I were still together. In one of the many conversations the boss and I have had he mentioned that he hadn’t understood that relationship until recently. That I was just delightful to be around or some tune similar to that. I tell you right now just to save you all the time that I most definitely have daddy issues. Being a young lady in her early twenties dating men in their fifties isn’t the norm. I never thought it was gross though. I still don’t.

I’m not entirely sure that I wouldn’t do it. I’m really curious. Not curious enough to ruin a friendship, marriage, my job, etc., but curious enough to let my mind wander. Also can I mention that this is a huge fucking distraction in the workplace?!

That sounds bad, huh? Like I’m a bad person. I’m not, I’m just so fucking confused by the whole thing. But I’m listening to my gut here, and my gut’s telling me that this is what he wants.

I haven’t been 100% honest with you guys. I totally let him take pictures of me. You know the kind. Twice. He’s full on into photography, took hundreds of pictures just like mine years ago, has some bad ass camera equipment, never said anything inappropriate while the sessions were taking place, was super professional and I know everyone says this, but they were tasteful! And the second batch? Well, I think they are the prettiest pictures anyone has ever taken of me.

I know, doing shit like that opens the door to stupid and I just didn’t believe that would happen. All these little things keep adding up and the only conclusion I can come to is that my boss wants to sleep with me. I’m not saying he would or that it will happen, but my instincts are telling me something is there.

Has anyone ever dealt with anything like this? I need help, The Band.

Ask The Band: Prisoner In My Marriage

I’m a married woman

My husband and I separated for two months, and during those two months, I cheated and was unfaithful to my husband.

He found out.

We did end up getting back together, but I didn’t admit to having an affair to him.

Now, every time I want to go out – especially if it’s someone he doesn’t know – he doesn’t allow me to. I have no social life.

And every fight we now have now, he brings up my infidelity, and when he does, he calls me terrible, hurtful names. These insults hurt me so deeply that I don’t feel I can handle it.

I feel so trapped in my marriage – he insults me, he doesn’t let me go out with friends – ever. It hurts.

I don’t know what to do. Do I stay or do I go?

When will this stop?

The Loss of The Dream

It is very difficult to watch someone you love go through the pain of a divorce. There really isn’t much you can do to help them, especially when they are in denial and are making poor choices.

He’s my best friend in the world. I love him dearly. His marriage was never anything extra special, in fact, it was almost always rocky. A few years ago, he was pretty sure his wife was cheating on him. They talked it out, and were working on their marriage. The only resolution I could see as an outside observer was that suddenly, all of HIS phone calls were being monitored. Including with me, his best friend. But since I’m a girl, I was under suspicion. Which I found quite ironic since SHE was the one suspected of cheating, not him.

So it really wasn’t a surprise to me when everything came crashing down this winter. She had been planning ahead: getting her own bank account and transferring her direct deposit into that account, packing up little things here and there. He was knocked completely sideways when she announced she was moving out. Not surprising, he tried very hard to get her to stay.

For a while.

Until he found out she was, indeed, cheating on him.

He isn’t an alcoholic, but he has always been a heavy drinker when he was in the right mood. Her leaving pushed him to the point of drinking all the time. He called me one night, more drunk than I’d ever heard him, and told me he was puking up blood and was suicidal. It scared me to death. I seriously considered driving the hundreds of miles between us to check on him.

Instead, I made him check in with me all the time. He was angry with her and took it out on me, saying I was smothering him. I know now that I probably did push too hard, but it was out of love and concern for him. He became angry enough that he quit talking to me altogether.

Months passed.

I needed to deal with some things in our hometown, so I went to see him. As I already knew, he was – mostly – ready to forgive me. Our friendship is still a little unstable, so for now, I need to be very gentle on him and give him some space.

In talking to him, I did discover that he is still very damaged. It’s not the loss of the marriage that has hurt him so much as it is the loss of the dream of what he thought their marriage was going to be. Even though he has “moved on” and has a new girlfriend, he couldn’t stop talking about his ex and everything she did. His pain is still very raw, although he’s too stubborn to admit it. I know a new relationship is probably not the best thing for him right now, but I know that, like the alcohol, he is using the new girlfriend as a crutch. She’s not his type at all, and from what I can tell is a walking train wreck. I hope she’s not going to end up making everything worse.

So I’m going to love him and pray for him from a distance. I’m hoping that once he heals more, he will cut back on the drinking, and hopefully see this other girl for who she really is.

This really hurts me to watch, but I’m glad he’s at least allowing me to do that much again.

Am I Being Emotionally Abused? Feeling Alone And Confused… .

Hello The Band,

I am a 33 year old female from Florida. I have turned to this site for guidance, support, and hopefully, help. I’m hoping I can find other women who can relate to my situation, help me understand how to cope and deal with the problems at hand, and, if possible, guide me in the right direction.

I met my current boyfriend on an online dating site back in July of 2015. I was with my ex-husband for 13, years and we have one child together. That relationship was a disaster towards the end. I honestly didn’t think I could ever fall in love again – until I met my current boyfriend.

In September, we decided that because of the distance between where we both lived, moving in with him was a good option. Driving back and forth was killing me.

Everything was amazing for the first five months.

There were little spurts of anger here and there about silly things like the dog barking too much or the dishes not being clean enough, but I figured this was just the kinds of little idiosyncrasies that come from being in a new relationship.

In December, I lost my job. I have not been able to contribute a whole lot to the household since then, but every dime I do make, I give to him – including my government assistance.

Lately, he has started making comments that I do nothing, that I’m useless, that all I do is sit around, that I’m overweight and need to exercise. I would never say such horrible things to him.

I feel like the comments are getting worse. Now he’s mad about every single thing. If he doesn’t have enough socks, it’s somehow my fault. If he cant find a clean pair of shorts that he likes for work, that’s my fault, too. He screams at me, and if I cry or tear up, he calls me a baby,  a princess, or weak.

He tells me that without him I would have nothing.

When I was younger, I was in a relationship where I dealt with minor physical abuse, but I have never dealt with emotional and verbal abuse before. I almost wish he would just smack me instead of saying these hurtful things. I feel like the sting would be less and not last as long as the hurtful words he has been saying.

Now, he has stopped making love to me. He will never let me talk to him about how I am feeling. If i say “I am not okay with you talking to me like that,” he starts screaming that I am stupid for not knowing by now what pisses him off.

I feel so out of character lately. The old me would never have let anyone talk down to me like that. With him, I am quiet, timid, and I just stand there and take it.

Every time I build up the courage to speak up, I am shot down immediately. I feel so sad. I was sure this man was the one for me. I fell madly in love with him, and now I am scared I’m losing him. I don’t want this to happen. I want to make him happy, but the harder I try, the more things he finds wrong.

What should I do? Is what I’m feeling normal? Is this true verbal and emotional abuse?

Please, any words of advice, or help, or wisdom would be a blessing right now. I am so utterly distraught. I am scared of getting hurt anymore. I’m scared he will start cheating, which is my worst nightmare. I have a serious fear of being cheated on …I just need some friendly words.

Scared, Confused, and In Love.

December 4

He was my friend, a coworker I trusted.

I have a boyfriend and kids.

Why was I at his house?
Why did I let him pay attention to me at all?

I shouldn’t have been there. It was my fault. I led him on, let him believe that I liked him.

Maybe I did. Maybe I did enjoy the rush of having a man fawn over me like I was something special. I’ve never been treated that way before.

My ex-husband cheated on me and replaced me without looking back. He filed for divorce on our seventh wedding anniversary, saying our marriage “didn’t mean anything anymore.”

And I guess it didn’t. Not to him.

I was tossed aside like trash.

My current boyfriend of 4 years lets me in, then pushes me away. It’s a constant cycle, a roller-coaster of emotions.

Finally, on December 4, 2015, I gave up fighting for him.

I accepted the offer from this man, my friend, my confidant at work. He was nearly 20 years older and told me repeatedly how beautiful I was. He fed my bruised ego. I let him. I went to his house, and I stood in his kitchen, crying about the man I loved who had pushed me away again.

He walked behind me and pushed himself against me, trapping me against the counter. He pushed his hand down my pants, and I said, “NO!” I went to get my shoes and purse. He pushed me down and pulled my pants and underwear down.

He forced himself inside of me.

I said, “NO!” I pushed him off of me and he grabbed my head and pushed his dick in my mouth. I nearly vomited and jerked myself away.


I ran to the bathroom and locked the door.

I got out of the house and tried to block the memory out – until I saw him at work the following week. He told me that he thought I would be more “accommodating.”

I didn’t call it rape. I felt guilty and full of shame. After all, I went there. I led him on. I “had sex” with him. Sometimes the logical side kicks in and says, no. You didn’t do anything wrong.

It’s not your fault. You didn’t “have sex.”

He raped you.

He stole something from you.

Until that day, I’d only had sex with two men, my husband and my boyfriend. I was a 35 year old woman who trusted someone. I hid my feelings and apologized for my actions.

I didn’t go to the police right away. It took over a month. The only thing that gave me the courage was to look at my little girls.

How could I possibly teach them that no means no? I said no. It didn’t matter. And now I have to learn to live with it.

I’m scared all the time.

I’m anxious, nauseous, angry.