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Guilt can be a deadly weapon.

This is her story:

I’ve never talked about it…to anyone but a therapist. And, I have never said anything on my own blog about it. But personally, I think a blog that allows you to declare you are “Not Mommy of the Year” is the place to do it, right?

I carry a lot of guilt, dating back to July 19, 2009.

You see, I allowed my son – my first born & my pride & joy, ride and sometimes even drive a golf cart. That cart – it almost took his life.

I’ll pause here and let that sink in for a moment…

I knowingly allowed my son to operate and ride in a motorized vehicle that was not a) safe b) age appropriate or c) SAFE. What kind of mom does that?

Our children rely on us for many things. But one of the key things they rely on us for is safety. And, if they can’t rely on us, who can they rely on?

What kind of mother looks the other way as grandpa and son drive by (at a speed that is slightly faster than I would prefer for myself) in a golf cart, of all things.

And, this wasn’t your average golf cart. It was as suped up machine, with larger than normal wheels and a tow package. And my son, he isn’t just a normal son. He’s MY son.

I have cried a thousand tears. And made a thousand promises. And worried years of my life away since July 19. I have spent countless hours lying in bed with him, rubbing his hair and praying softly as he slept.

I have prayed for forgiveness. For healing. For peace.

And yet, I still don’t feel like I have paid for my sins.

I can still remember hearing the helicopter circle overhead and thinking – I could have prevented this.  Let me be the first to tell you – there is nothing more painful to your heart than to think that you could have prevented your own child’s pain. his bloodshed. his near death.

And you didn’t.

I failed him.

I failed him in my most important duty as a mother. I failed to protect him.

This is the single most prominent factor holding me back from healing. And I know that. And, it is something I continue to work on.

Because,  you see…I carry guilt with me.

I carry it in my heart.

And I see it everyday.