I am forty-three years old – an Interior Designer who has done well for herself over the course of sixteen years. I married thirteen years ago and have four beautiful children. My husband has had a series of losses in his life which turned him into a raging drunk, drug user and abuser (emotionally and physically towards the children and I).
After a series of abusive situations involving the children, I finally made my way to the attorney’s office and filed for divorce. Was that the right thing? I have been nothing but punished since that day in July 2009.
He destroyed the business I have had for seventeen years. He took all the money I had to support me and the children. He stole from the house and took all the money in our accounts.
He has not only hit me a few times, but he hit the children to the point that child services got involved. After they interviewed the children, they told me I would be charged for never turning in all these abuses in the past year. The children and I are all in counseling.
My first attorney did everything wrong, My second attorney took what money I had left and dumped me because I couldn’t pay any more. A guardian ad litem was finally appointed to our family and I had to pay for that out of the investments I had left. She actually believed him and never interviewed half my witnesses. She also never talked to the boys. Then, I was sent to another attorney (a third one) who said he would finish up the divorce for a flat rate. Well, I can’t come up with the rest of the money. He and my -soon-to-be ex’s attorney seem friendly and I feel like I am just getting screwed.
The worst part about all this is that the children are so messed up from the divorce and the abuse they suffered from their father. I have done everything I can to protect them but the Florida courts don’t seem to care.
We are getting ready for trial now and I can’t seem to get anyone to understand how bad this is for me and my children.
They hide in their rooms when he comes to get them.
My nine-year old ran nine blocks away and called me from a gas station because she was afraid to be with her dad.
My four-year old has seen his father throw me up against my desk and hold my head down as he threatened me. He nearly drowned at his cousin’s house and his father was nowhere to be found.
On his second birthday, he took my son out of his car seat because he was crying and stuck him out the window as I was driving down the highway.
My six-year old keeps getting thrown into walls by his father, his dad calls him pussy boy and tells him he cries like a school girl.
He makes him sleep on a sofa at his house to punish him for his mother filing for divorce.
My eleven-year old is pulling out her eyelashes and eyebrows.
Where am I to turn? I don’t know how to get people to understand what is going on and change this for my children.
I bought my house when I was single and have fixed it up, paid the mortgage on it for eleven of the fourteen years I’ve owned it.
In 2004, I walked into my house to find a lender and a lady sitting there because he wanted to refinance the house. I was stupid and signed the papers not really knowing how bad I was going to be screwed – until now, when I can’t afford food, let alone the house. I am about to be forced out onto the streets.
His attorney is trying to get me out of the house so he can move in. The only reason I would do this is for my children so I know they have a bed to sleep in and a roof over their head, but in the process I have nothing.
No money, no place to live, no support and an attorney who told me to marry better next time. My whole family lives up north and the few friends I have here have their own problems.
I never thought this would be happening to me.
I have gone to the courthouse for help with the abuse center. They can’t help me and just send me to the shelter. I can’t find a job and am so confused. I can’t figure out what is going on.
I guess I don’t know what to do at this point. I have tried everything I can except to just take the children and run away. Believe me, I have thought about this so much, but what kind of life is that for them? What if I got caught and then can never see them again?
Do I just give him the kids and walk away? I know that would kill me. I can sleep in my Suburban for a while, but since I can’t secure a place to live because he ruined my credit and took all our money, I will lose the children anyway.
I am a rat stuck in a very bad situation. Crying is not helping me out of this giant mess. Where did the strong business person go? Why can’t I get anyone to understand that I divorced this ass to make my children’s lives better? Where do I go from here?
How do my children survive this nightmare?
Oh, hon… I think just putting it all out there is going to help you find that strength to fight through this. I’m so sorry you’ve been dealt this big hand of crap. Stay strong. And keep fighting for your beautiful children. AND FOR YOURSELF.
Collectively…every band member is going to conjur up our fiercest selves and put some energy into protection for you. The horrors you have endured are inexcusable. Stay smart. Plan. Think long term. Call up your female ancestors and tell them to get busy on his ass.
If you decide to run away, let me know. My family can take yours in. Hopefully we’ll be in our (own) new home soon. We don’t have much room, but we can make room for you and your children.
Until then, I will think of you every night.
Damn fucking straight, girl! I don’t care if I’m all the way over here in Oz, I got your back.
Oh honey, I am so, so sorry that you are having to go through this. I don’t have any advice for you, but I will be praying for you and your kids. May you find the answers you and your family deserve. Many, many, many hugs to you.
You have done everything right – for your children and for yourself. It’s completely unfair that you keep getting one hurdle after another to fight. But KEEP FIGHTING. It took tremendous strength to begin the process to change a terrible situation for you and your children in the first place. Don’t give up on your strength, your children or yourself. You are in my thoughts.
A few immediate thoughts and maybe you’ve already done these things, but sometimes in the process, you overlook things, so….
1. Call every single attorney in your area and beg for help. Pro bono. Ask the women’s shelter who might be sympathetic and help you.
2. Apply for every kind of government assistance you qualify for to show that you are acting in your children’s best interest by providing them with housing, food, clothing.
3. Point blank tell your attorney how you’re feeling. Give him this post. Tell him you need him to FIGHT for you and to stop being an asshole.
4. Is there someone in your family or group of friends, or just someone you know who is a total kick ass, assertive, take no prisoners type person? Enlist their help. Even if they are far away and the best they can do it make phone calls, okay. You said that your friends all have their own issues, and I believe it, but you are truly in crisis here and you need people to stand beside you and hold you up. Maybe the best they can do is just be there, but it’s something.
5. With regard to your house, have you talked to your lender? I don’t know what they could do to help, but it’s worth a shot.
6. Are your kids in counseling? If not, maybe try to enlist a school counselor or call around again and see if someone can do it pro bono. Maybe when you call about other services, you can ask about this too.
7. If you can’t get an attorney to take your case, you might be able to have an attorney appointed to you through the court.
8. Work related, maybe try calling all of your past clients and asking if they would be willing to refer you to friends or family – a little is better then nothing. I know you said he ruined your business, so maybe this isn’t an option.
I am SO SORRY you are going through this. It’s hard to believe in the system when this kind of thing happens. This may be a totally out of left field thought, but there was a case a few months back where a baby was essentially kidnapped by her babysitter… the details aren’t important as much as the fact that Hollis Gillespie was involved and was able to get the word out and some help to a mom who has very little support and against whom the system seemed pretty much totally stacked. I don’t know if there is anything that could be helped by getting in touch with her, but your story made me think of that story, so what the heck, it’s worth a shot, right? I think you can contact her here: http://hollisgillespie.com/ I don’t know her in real life and I am probably totally off my rocker, but you never know.
At the end of the day, the court system is failing you and you need some help, whether that comes from your own personal life or from the Interwebz. I’m sending some serious prayers and positive energy your way. Please keep us updated on how you are, okay?
oh dear. all i can think of is that you must take your kids with you. they need you to fight for them. i’ll say a prayer for ya. and your kids.
i’m not a lawyer. i do not have any legal training about this. however, from what i know either custodial parent can take their children wherever they want. while you are still married, you both have equal access to the kids and do not need permission from the other parent to take them, say, on a vacation. it’s only once a divorce or separation agreement is hammered out that one parent cannot take the kids more than X miles away from the other parent.
like i said, i’m not a lawyer. but while you are still married to him, you both legally stil have equal access to the kids.
this is not official advice: but just go. take the kids and get to another state, because the courts here in florida don’t seem to take many things seriously. get to your family because you’re going to need them. get to a family shelter, get to social services for welfare and food stamps and medicaid. and get your life back.
My heart breaks reading this. I am so sorry for all that you have gone through and commend you in your amazing strength to fight for your children and your house. Your best option, in my opinion, is to just leave. Grab the kids and get to a shelter in another area altogether and allow them to help you get back on your feet, be it in Florida or otherwise. Do not allow him to control you anymore..through the courts, through your kids or through owning the house. Let it all go and just leave. Its the best thing for you and your children at this point.
Again, only my opinion. Know that whatever you decide, I, and the rest of this wonderful crew, are here for yo
Oh hon, I wish finances weren’t so god awful tight because I would send you money if I had it. All I can offer are my thoughts and prayers but you have them.