by Band Back Together | Dec 17, 2010 | Codpendence, Coping With Divorce, Divorce, Infidelity |
I finally told you I wanted a divorce.
You forced me into this corner and I have no other way out. You cheated on me – again – with your daughter’s mother, and who knows who else. Just like all of the other times, you never came clean. I never got the full story. You apologize and expect me to move on, but I can’t do it anymore.
It’s never going to stop and I can’t be that woman – the woman who always looks the other way. It eats me up inside trying to figure out what was said, who you were with, and when you had time to do it. And why? Why would you do this to me? What did I do to deserve this? What is wrong with me that almost all of the men I have been with have cheated on me?
You seem surprised that the people in my life who care about me are mad at you. I’m not sure what you expect from everyone. These people actually care about me and my welfare. They know what you’ve done to me isn’t right. I know it’s not right either, but part of me just wants to try to forget about it. I am not emotionally detached. I still love you. I was still trying to make this marriage work.
One of the hardest things I will ever do is to leave you. You know I hate to be alone. I need to be around people all the time. I know I am going to be so lonely. You were my best friend and now I will have no one.
One of your “friends” called last night. I can’t believe that you don’t have enough respect for me to wait – wait until we are separated. I asked you to move out but you say you have no where to go. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to live with you for the next couple of months when it is so obvious that you are already moving on? I cried myself to sleep last night, and you asked why I was crying. What do you think? That I am some kind of emotionless robot? That I would just move on since you have?
For the most part, I am holding it together for my kids. I don’t know how much longer I can do that.
I am hoping that going to counseling will help. This is eating me up inside so bad. Lord knows I don’t need any more stuff to make me depressed.
I do not want to go back to that place.
by Band Back Together | Dec 16, 2010 | Emotional Abuse, Psychological Manipulation, Psychological Manipulation |
Today is my birthday. I have reached the ripe (but not spoiled) age of 47. I am proud to be 47 today. I am in a good place in my life. I have two wonderful (yet challenging) children. I think that it’s the challenging aspects of parenthood keep me young. I have a husband that adores me, and the feeling is mutual. I have great friends and family…and I don’t look 47. I think that’s the best part of all.
I don’t know what the family is planning for my birthday; I just hope there is cake. I love cake. And wine. And steak.
But the birthdays haven’t always been so joyful. I am not too bothered by aging, so that part of my birthdays have always been fairly easy to handle. I turned 40 and it was great. I turned 30 and it was great. Twenty-five was kind of tough. I think the thought of being a quarter of a century old was kind of mind-blowing. Which is kind of funny considering I will be half a century in three years.
One particular birthday was especially bad. I refer to it as the “birthday from hell.”
I turned 26 that year and my ex, Tom and I were living in Minneapolis. Since my birthday is twelve days before Christmas, the two have usually been mixed together, although my mother always wrapped my birthday presents in birthday paper, not Christmas. Tom’s nearly hated Christmas…all because he worked in retail and the Christmas frenzy started before Halloween.
The Birthday From Hell started the night before my birthday. Tom had stayed in town late to shop for my birthday present and I was in bed before he got home. The next morning when I woke up, I was filled with birthday anticipation and light. The day headed downhill from there. Tom didn’t talk to me all morning while we got dressed for work. Not a word. I kept wondering when a “Happy Birthday” would come out of his mouth. He almost acted like he was angry with me.
The whole time I got dressed and during the drive to his bus stop, I kept wondering why he was so angry. Tom and I never fought. We had Silences. So when he didn’t talk to me all morning, it became clear we were in a Silence. When he jumped out of the car door at his stop, he grabbed his briefcase and said, “Have a nice day” in a sarcastic tone. The second the car door slammed, I started to cry. What had I done wrong? Had he forgotten my birthday? The drive to work was spent pouring through the events of the night before: What had I done?
I was so upset when I arrived at work that I sat in my cubicle and silently cried. I was just drying my tears when my friends jumped over the cubicle wall with birthday well-wishes. That sent me into another crying jag. How could these women whom I’d only know a short while remember my birthday while my husband did not? I sat at my desk for an hour with an ache in my chest.
Finally, I decided to take action. I picked up the phone and called the florist. I ordered a bouquet of flowers to be delivered to his office with a card that said, “I don’t know what I did, but I’m sorry.” I know, I know. It was a lame-ass thing to do, but I wasn’t the person I am now. I often walked on eggshells with Tom and always tried to keep peace no matter what cost. The rest of the day was a blur. Not what one expects on their birthday. The day should have been filled with happiness, not tears and self-doubt.
I went home with a heavy heart unsure what to expect. When Tom came home, I tried to disappear; hiding how hurt I felt. He was a different person than the one I had dropped off in the morning. He was filled with contrition for his earlier behavior. When I asked what I had done to trigger his Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality switch, he said, “nothing.”
Nothing? Then what the hell happened? He told me he couldn’t find exactly the right gift to give me for my birthday. He was pissed he couldn’t find what he was looking for. Apparently, he decided to take his feelings out on me. I think when he received my offering of flowers, he was ashamed. He should have been.
For the next eight years that he was alive, I never knew if there would be a repeat performance. I began to dread my birthday, although he never did anything like that to me again. I often reminded him of his behavior in jest, but behind my humor was hurt and anger.
It has taken me years to get over my 26th birthday. I told Colby the story after we started dating. He keeps assuring me it will never happen again because he’s not Tom. He is right, he is not Tom, and once more the joy, happiness, and anticipation for my birthday has been restored.
And I remain quite tickled that I still don’t look my age.
by Band Back Together | Dec 16, 2010 | Jealousy, Poverty, Economic Struggles and Hardship |
Being broke sucks!
I know a whole lot of people who say they are broke and in their own way, I guess they are. But I get angry and bitter because they still have money to buy stuff. I guess I shouldn’t judge, they could be way overextended on credit cards or whatever, but I still get mad. When my aunt tells me she is so broke that she has to sign up for Toys for Tots and then goes and buys a new wardrobe for her daughter, it really pisses me off.
I am so broke. My phone is shut off. My car is about to get repossessed (I had to take out a title loan to pay the rent), the gas and lights will be turned off any day. Rent is due next week and there’s not enough to pay that either. Christmas just isn’t going to happen at this point. I did sign up for Toys for Tots and they are a God-send.
My child support stopped. My ex lost his job because he is stupid, but that is a whole other story. I don’t get any type of support for my 2 year old. He takes her on weekends and that does help a lot, but having to buy diapers and stuff is just too much by myself, especially because I don’t have a job. I have had jobs but because of bad things that have happened, when I work I have panic attacks thinking about my kids without me. I do work part-time at a friend’s daycare, but $25 a week doesn’t do a whole lot.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I am drowning. No money coming in and way too much going out. I am in the dark and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I want to cry and scream and yell and tell everyone how bad it is over here. I am so embarrassed. I am 30! I have NOTHING to show for what I do or what I have done. I don’t know how to fix it.
Being broke sucks! It is draining trying to decide what to pay – what is important and what isn’t.
Heat or food?
A roof or a car?
These are decisions no one should have to make…
by Band Back Together | Dec 12, 2010 | Anger, Anxiety, Breast Cancer, Cancer and Neoplasia, Caregiver, Compassion, Coping With Cancer, Fear, Feelings, Loneliness, Love, Sadness, Stress, Trauma |
I’m sorry. Right now, I cannot be a good friend. I am not a good wife or daughter, sister, neighbor, niece or cousin. I love you. I appreciate everything you do for me and for my family. But for now, everything I have, every smile I can eke out, every happy moment, belongs to my daughter. I can’t give you what you want, not today and maybe not tomorrow either. I don’t have enough for you.
My fear is all-consuming. I am endlessly treading its dark waters. Your well-intended positivity crashes into me, knocking me down before washing back out to sea. Your genuine, heartfelt words of hope leave me salty-eyed, gasping for air, bracing for the next wave of “You’re so strong!” or “Kids are so resilient!”
Your generous offers to help are not falling on deaf ears, but I’m afraid my desperate cries for it are. I can hear you happily proposing your casseroles, a walk in the park, an eager ”whatever you need!” I’m sure one day I will very much need those things. Today I just need simple kindness, compassion, companionship. I need you to hug me and hold my hand. I need you to stop worrying about the tasks on your list and just be with me, sit here and keep my head above water.
I realize nothing about this is convenient for you. I know the closer you are to me, the deeper the water, the stronger current. I’m sorry that you’re being pulled in, challenged, diverted from your regularly scheduled life. But this is my nightmare and sadly, you’re in it.
so bite your tongue,
you’re not the only one
who’s been let down.
by Band Back Together | Dec 11, 2010 | Anxiety, Anxiety Disorders, Coping With Anxiety Disorders, Feelings, Generalized Anxiety Disorder Resources, Happiness |
Well, Band, I felt the need to cheer myself on. And I realized, who better to celebrate with than The Band? The Band totally rallied for me before… they deserve good news.
So here I am. And here is a list of recent successes:
- I haven’t had a cigarette since Oct. 20th! That’s almost 5 weeks!
- I have a new friend. In real life! Finally!
- I’m starting to become the kind of mom I want to be.
- I’m branching out into the world again!
I crawled out of my hidey hole. I’ve reached out at church – and people are responding! I am not alone! And I’m ENJOYING the time I spend with my daughter! I’m laughing again! And having fun!
I still have rough bits sometimes, but I’m learning how to manage them better and not slide into the darkness every time.
I feel hopeful. It pretty much rules.
I can’t pinpoint exactly when it started or what started it. But I’m grateful and I want to celebrate. Even if this isn’t forever…it’s been a month or so of feeling good so far but I don’t expect permanence in my life. It’s good today.
Thank you, Band. Thanks for celebrating with me, and for cheering me on when I needed it.
