Anxiety is a very normal part of daily life. We get stressed and anxious at work, at home, in traffic and about our kids. But when the anxiety becomes too big and hard to manage (and doesn’t go away), it becomes a disabling disorder. When anxiety has increased to a level that affects your ability to participate in everyday life – your ability to leave your home, go to the grocery store, be with friends or drive/ride in a car – it’s gotten to a point where help is needed.
Anxiety is the umbrella term we use to generally describe a series of symptoms we feel when we are worried, stressed out, or are scared.
The word “anxiety” covers four aspects of experiences that a person may have: mental apprehension, physical tension, dissociative anxiety, and physical symptoms.
Everyone feels anxious now and then. It’s a normal emotion. For example, you may feel nervous when faced with a problem at work, before taking a test, or before making an important decision. Anxiety disorders are different, though. They are a group of mental illnesses, and the distress they cause can keep you from carrying on with your life normally. People who have an anxiety disorder experience worry and fear are constant, overwhelming, and can be disabling. But with treatment, many people can manage those feelings and get back to a fulfilling life.
Anxiety comes in many different formats and may be experienced differently by everyone. It can be experienced in a mild manner, such as butterflies in your stomach, to severe and crippling anxiety.
Regardless of how you experience anxiety or anxiety-related issues, anxiety is something that is understandable and treatable.
What Is Generalized Anxiety Disorder?
As mentioned above, the term anxiety technically refers to the experience of any anxiety-related issues. Generalized anxiety is a particular subset of anxiety. Those with generalized anxiety often feel worried and tense, even when not instigated by a trigger of some sort. They worry excessively or assume and expect the worse, when there is no rational reason to do so. While everyone worries from time to time, generalized anxiety goes above and beyond everyday anxiousness.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is characterized by persistent and excessive worry about a number of different things. People with GAD may anticipate disaster and may be overly concerned about money, health, family, work, or other issues. People who have GAD find it difficult to control their worry. They may worry more than seems warranted about actual events or may expect the worst even when there is no apparent reason for concern.
GAD is diagnosed when a person finds it difficult to control worry on more days than not for at least six months and has three or more symptoms. This differentiates GAD from worry that may be specific to a set stressor or for more limited period of time.
GAD affects 6.8 million adults, or 3.1% of the U.S. population, in any given year. Women are twice as likely to be affected. The disorder comes on gradually and can begin across the life cycle, though the risk is highest between childhood and middle age. Although the exact cause of GAD is unknown, there is evidence that biological factors, family background, and life experiences, particularly stressful ones, play a role.
Sometimes just the thought of getting through the day produces anxiety. People with GAD don’t know how to stop the worry cycle and feel it is beyond their control, even though they usually realize that their anxiety is more intense than the situation warrants. All anxiety disorders may relate to a difficulty tolerating uncertainty and therefore many people with GAD try to plan or control situations. Many people believe worry prevents bad things from happening so they view it is risky to give up worry. At times, people can struggle with physical symptoms such as stomachaches and headaches.
When their anxiety level is mild to moderate or with treatment, people with GAD can function socially, have full and meaningful lives, and be gainfully employed. Many with GAD may avoid situations because they have the disorder or they may not take advantage of opportunities due to their worry (social situations, travel, promotions, etc). Some people can have difficulty carrying out the simplest daily activities when their anxiety is severe.
Unlike a phobia, where your fear is connected to a specific thing or situation, the anxiety of generalized anxiety disorder is diffused—a general feeling of dread or unease that colors your whole life. This anxiety is less intense than a panic attack, but much longer lasting, making normal life difficult and relaxation impossible.
If you have GAD, you may worry about the same things that other people do, but you take these worries to a new level. A co-worker’s careless comment about the economy becomes a vision of an imminent pink slip; a phone call to a friend that isn’t immediately returned becomes anxiety that the relationship is in trouble. Sometimes just the thought of getting through the day produces anxiety. You go about your activities filled with exaggerated worry and tension, even when there is little or nothing to provoke them.
To better understand generalized anxiety, we’ll break it down further.
A phobia is a fear and anxiety reaction to a specific target object. Generalized anxiety is having a fear and anxiety reaction from NO specific target.
Whether you realize that your anxiety is more intense than the situation calls for, or believe that your worrying protects you in some way, the end result is the same. You can’t turn off your anxious thoughts. They keep running through your head, on endless repeat.
Chronic worrying can have a long-term impact on your body and your mind.
“Normal” Worries vs. Generalized Anxiety Disorder:
Normal: Your worrying doesn’t get in the way of your daily activities and responsibilities.
GAD: Your worrying significantly disrupts your job, activities, or social life.
Normal: You’re able to control your worrying.
GAD: Your worrying is uncontrollable.
Normal: Your worries, while unpleasant, don’t cause significant distress.
GAD: Your worries are extremely upsetting and stressful.
Normal: Your worries are limited to a specific, small number of realistic concerns.
GAD: You worry about all sorts of things, and tend to expect the worst.
Normal: Your bouts of worrying last for only a short time period.
GAD: You’ve been worrying almost every day for at least six months.
So how can you tell if you are just worried versus having generalized anxiety disorder? While we often all worry about similar things — money, family, kids, work, generalized anxiety takes it a step further.
What Are The Symptoms of Generalized Anxiety Disorder?
Excessive worrying: Worrying all day every day. Worrying about things that others would not worry about. Just getting through the day without provoking anxiety.
Intrusive thoughts: Worry thoughts constantly or frequently come in to your head and you are unable to interrupt them or distract yourself from them.
Persistent worry: Pacing, the inability to control your worrying.
Interference: Your anxiety disrupts your day-to-day activities. You are distracted at work, you don’t go out, your friendships become troubled.
GAD develops slowly. It often starts during the teen years or young adulthood.
People with GAD may:
Worry very much about everyday things
Have trouble controlling their worries or feelings of nervousness
Know that they worry much more than they should
Feel restless and have trouble relaxing
Have a hard time concentrating
Be easily startled
Have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep
Feel easily tired or tired all the time
Have headaches, muscle aches, stomach aches, or unexplained pains
Have a hard time swallowing
Tremble or twitch
Be irritable or feel “on edge”
Sweat a lot, feel light-headed or out of breath
Have to go to the bathroom a lot
Adults with GAD are often highly nervous about everyday circumstances, such as:
Job security or performance
Health
Finances
The health and well-being of their children
Being late
Completing household chores and other responsibilities
Both children and adults with GAD may experience physical symptoms that make it hard to function and that interfere with daily life.
GAD Symptoms in Children and Teenagers:
Children and teenagers may have similar worries to adults, but also may have excessive worries about:
Their performance, such as in school or in sports
Catastrophes, such as earthquakes or war
Performance at school or sporting events
Family members’ safety
Being on time (punctuality)
A child or teen with excessive worry may:
Feel overly anxious to fit in
Be a perfectionist
Redo tasks because they aren’t perfect the first time
Spend excessive time doing homework
Lack confidence
Strive for approval
Require a lot of reassurance about performance
Have frequent stomachaches or other physical complaints
Avoid going to school or avoid social situations
Concentration issues in school
Poor school performance
Perfectionism
Require a lot of approval and reassurance
There may be times when your worries don’t completely consume you, but you still feel anxious even when there’s no apparent reason. For example, you may feel intense worry about your safety or that of your loved ones, or you may have a general sense that something bad is about to happen.
What Are The Risk Factors For Developing GAD?
While the exact cause of developing generalized anxiety disorder are unknown, there are some risk factors that have been identified as being associated with generalized anxiety disorder.
Women are diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder somewhat more often than men are. The following factors may increase the risk of developing generalized anxiety disorder:
Personality. A person whose temperament is timid or negative or who avoids anything dangerous may be more prone to generalized anxiety disorder than others are.
Genetics. Generalized anxiety disorder may run in families.
Experiences. People with generalized anxiety disorder may have a history of significant life changes, traumatic or negative experiences during childhood, or a recent traumatic or negative event.
Chronic mental illnesses or other mental health disorders may increase risk.
Illness such as a chronic or serious illness can lead to constant worry about things such as the future, money, and treatment.
Stress exacerbates the development of anxiety.
Personality disorders such as borderline personality disorder may be associated with generalized anxiety disorder.
Substance abuse can exaggerate the symptoms of anxiety.
How Is Generalized Anxiety Disorder Diagnosed?
Diagnosis is often made after a person with generalized anxiety disorder feels that his or her anxiety is interfering with his or her personal life. You may feel that you worry too much; you suffer from depression, substance abuse, or suicidal thoughts.
The DSM-5 outlines specific criteria to help professionals diagnose generalized anxiety disorder. Having a standard set of symptoms to reference when assessing clients helps them to more accurately diagnose mental health concerns and, in turn, create a more effective plan of care.
When assessing for GAD, clinical professionals are looking for the following:
The presence of excessive anxiety and worry about a variety of topics, events, or activities. Worry occurs more often than not for at least 6 months and is clearly excessive.
The worry is experienced as very challenging to control. The worry in both adults and children may easily shift from one topic to another.
The anxiety and worry are accompanied with at least three of the following physical or cognitive symptoms (In children, only one symptom is necessary for a diagnosis of GAD):
Edginess or restlessness
Tiring easily; more fatigued than usual
Impaired concentration or feeling as though the mind goes blank
Irritability (which may or may not be observable to others)
Increased muscle aches or soreness
Difficulty sleeping (due to trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, restlessness at night, or unsatisfying sleep)
Sometimes a person notices other physical ailments that are actually a symptom of generalized anxiety disorder. When the mind cannot or will not process certain feelings or situations, it may outlet the feelings in to a physical ailment. Common physical conditions include:
Gastroesophageal reflux disease
Heart disease
Hypo- or hyper-thyroidism
Menopause onset
Other issues include increasing the symptoms in other psychological or physical issues.
Depression
Substance abuse
Insomnia
Digestive issues
Headache
Teeth grinding
What Is Excessive Worry?
Excessive worry means worrying even when there is no specific threat present or in a manner that is disproportionate to the actual risk.
Someone struggling with GAD experiences a high percentage of their waking hours worrying about something. The worry may be accompanied by reassurance-seeking from others.
In adults, the worry can be about job responsibilities or performance, one’s own health or the health of family members, financial matters, and other everyday, typical life circumstances.
In children, the worry is more likely to be about their abilities or the quality of their performance (for example, in school).
How is Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) Treated?
A number of types of treatment can help with GAD. Supportive and interpersonal therapy can help. Cognitive behavioral treatment (CBT) has been more researched and specifically targets thoughts, physical symptoms, and behaviors including the over-preparation, planning and avoidance that characterizes GAD.
Mindfulness based approaches and Acceptance Commitment Therapy have also been investigated with positive outcome. All therapies (sometimes in different ways) help people change their relationship to their symptoms.
They help people to understand the nature of anxiety itself, to be less afraid of the presence of anxiety, and to help people make choices independent of the presence of anxiety. The adult CBT treatments for GAD have been modified for children and teens and show positive outcomes.
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
The five components of CBT for anxiety are:
Education. CBT involves learning about generalized anxiety disorder. It also teaches you how to distinguish between helpful and unhelpful worry. An increased understanding of your anxiety encourages a more accepting and proactive response to it.
Monitoring. You learn to monitor your anxiety, including what triggers it, the specific things you worry about, and the severity and length of a particular episode. This helps you get perspective, as well as track your progress.
Physical control strategies. CBT for GAD trains you in relaxation techniques to help decrease the physical over-arousal of the “fight or flight” response.
Cognitive control strategies teach you to realistically evaluate and alter the thinking patterns that contribute to generalized anxiety disorder. As you challenge these negative thoughts, your fears will begin to subside.
Behavioral strategies. Instead of avoiding situations you fear, CBT teaches you to tackle them head on. You may start by imagining the thing you’re most afraid of. By focusing on your fears without trying to avoid or escape them, you will feel more in control and less anxious.
A well-established, highly effective, and lasting treatment is called cognitive-behavioral therapy, or CBT. It focuses on identifying, understanding, and changing thinking and behavior patterns. Benefits are usually seen in 12 to 16 weeks, depending on the individual.]]
In this type of therapy the patient is actively involved in his or her own recovery, has a sense of control, and learns skills that are useful throughout life. CBT typically involves reading about the problem, keeping records between appointments, and completing homework assignments in which the treatment procedures are practiced.
People learn skills during therapy sessions, but they must practice repeatedly to see improvement.
There are a number of medication choices for GAD, usually the SSRIs either alone or in combination with therapy.
Relaxation techniques, meditation, yoga, exercise, and other alternative treatments may also become part of a treatment plan.
Other anxiety disorders, depression, or substance abuse often accompany GAD, which rarely occurs alone; co-occurring conditions must also be treated with appropriate therapies.
Medication – This is the other primary treatment method utilized. Medication may be used to treat symptoms of depression, with anti-depressants; anxiety, with anti-anxiety medications; or stronger-acting benzodiazepines to help calm anxiety.
Doctors may also prescribe medication to help treat GAD. Your doctor will work with you to find the best medication and dose for you.
Different types of medication can be effective in GAD:
Antidepressants, including medications in the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) and serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor (SNRI) classes, are the first line medication treatments. Examples o antidepressants used to treat generalized anxiety disorder include escitalopram (Lexapro), duloxetine (Cymbalta), venlafaxine (Effexor XR) and paroxetine (Paxil, Pexeva).
Buspirone. An anti-anxiety medication called buspirone may be used on an ongoing basis. As with most antidepressants, it typically takes up to several weeks to become fully effective.
Benzodiazepines. In limited circumstances, your doctor may prescribe a benzodiazepine for relief of anxiety symptoms. These sedatives are generally used only for relieving acute anxiety on a short-term basis. Because they can be habit-forming, these medications aren’t a good choice if you have or had problems with alcohol or drug abuse.
Doctors commonly use SSRIs and SNRIs to treat depression, but they are also helpful for the symptoms of GAD. They may take several weeks to start working. These medications may also cause side effects, such as headaches, nausea, or difficulty sleeping. These side effects are usually not severe for most people, especially if the dose starts off low and is increased slowly over time.
Benzodiazepines, which are sedative medications, can also be used to manage severe forms of GAD. These medications are powerfully effective in rapidly decreasing anxiety, but they can cause tolerance and dependence if you use them continuously. Therefore, your doctor will only prescribe them for brief periods of time if you need them.
Don’t give up on treatment too quickly. Both psychotherapy and medication can take some time to work. A healthy lifestyle can also help combat anxiety. Make sure to get enough sleep and exercise, eat a healthy diet, and turn to family and friends who you trust for support.
Therapy allows a mental health professional to examine and help you discover and manage the underlying causes for the anxiety and anxious feelings. Together you can use cognitive-behavioral techniques to focus on skill development to manage coping and thought patterns that lead to anxiety feelings.
Typically therapy and medication are used hand-in-hand to reduce the feelings of anxiety, and increase relevant coping skills.
How Do I Cope With Generalized Anxiety Disorder?
While most people with anxiety disorders need psychotherapy or medications to get anxiety under control, lifestyle changes also can make a difference. Here’s what you can do:
Learn How To Calm Yourself:
While socially interacting with another person face-to-face is the quickest way to calm your nervous system, it’s not always realistic to have a friend close by to lean on. In these situations, you can quickly self-soothe and relieve anxiety symptoms by making use of one or more of your physical senses:
Sight – Look at anything that relaxes you or makes you smile: a beautiful view, family photos, cat pictures on the Internet.
Sound – Listen to soothing music, sing a favorite tune, or play a musical instrument. Or enjoy the relaxing sounds of nature (either live or recorded): ocean waves, wind through the trees, birds singing.
Smell – Light scented candles. Smell the flowers in a garden. Breathe in the clean, fresh air. Spritz on your favorite perfume.
Taste – Slowly eat a favorite treat, savoring each bite. Sip a hot cup of coffee or herbal tea. Chew on a stick of gum. Enjoy a mint or your favorite hard candy.
Touch – Give yourself a hand or neck massage. Cuddle with a pet. Wrap yourself in a soft blanket. Sit outside in the cool breeze.
Movement – Go for a walk, jump up and down, or gently stretch. Dancing, drumming, and running can be especially effective.
Find and Build A Support System
Support from other people is vital to overcoming GAD. Social interaction with someone who cares about you is the most effective way to calm your nervous system and diffuse anxiety, so it’s important to find someone you can connect with face to face on a regular basis—your significant other, a family member, or a friend. This person should be someone you can talk to for an uninterrupted period of time, someone who will listen to you without judging, criticizing, or continually being distracted by the phone or other people.
Know who to avoid when you’re feeling anxious. Your anxious take on life may be something you learned when you were growing up. If your mother is a chronic worrier, she is not the best person to call when you’re feeling anxious—no matter how close you are. When considering who to turn to, ask yourself whether you tend to feel better or worse after talking to that person about a problem.
Be aware that having GAD can get in the way of your ability to connect with others. Anxiety and constant worrying can leave you feeling needy and insecure, causing problems in your relationships. Think about the ways you tend to act when you’re feeling anxious, especially anxious about a relationship. Do you test your partner? Withdraw? Make accusations? Become clingy? Once you’re aware of any anxiety-driven relationship patterns, you can look for better ways to deal with any fears or insecurities you’re feeling.
Build a strong support system. Human beings are social creatures. We’re not meant to live in isolation. But a strong support system doesn’t necessarily mean a vast network of friends. Don’t underestimate the benefit of a few people you can trust and count on to be there for you.
Talk it out when your worries start spiraling. If you start to feel overwhelmed with anxiety, meet with a trusted family member or friend. Just talking about your worries can make them seem less threatening.
Get Out And Move Yourself:
Keep physically active. Develop a routine so that you’re physically active most days of the week. Exercise is a powerful stress reducer. It may improve your mood and help you stay healthy. Start out slowly and gradually increase the amount and intensity of your activities.
Exercise is a natural and effective anti-anxiety treatment. It relieves tension, reduces stress hormones, boosts feel-good chemicals such as serotonin and endorphins, and physically changes the brain in ways that make it less anxiety-prone and more resilient.
For maximum relief of GAD, try to get at least 30 minutes of physical activity on most days. Exercise that engages both your arms and legs—such as walking, running, swimming, or dancing—are great choices.
For even greater benefits, try adding mindfulness element to your workouts.
Mindfulness is a powerful anxiety fighter—and an easy technique to incorporate into your exercise program. Rather than spacing out or focusing on your thoughts during a workout, focus on how your body feels as you move. Try to notice the sensation of your feet hitting the ground, for example, or the rhythm of your breathing, or the feeling of the wind on your skin. Not only will you get more out of your workout—you’ll also interrupt the flow of worries running through your head.
Learn To Let Go:
Anxiety is more than just a feeling. It’s the body’s physical “fight or flight” reaction to a perceived threat. Your heart pounds, you breathe faster, your muscles tense up, and you feel light-headed.
When you’re relaxed, the complete opposite happens. Your heart rate slows down, you breathe slower and more deeply, your muscles relax, and your blood pressure stabilizes. Since it’s impossible to be anxious and relaxed at the same time, strengthening your body’s relaxation response is a powerful anxiety-relieving tactic.
Effective relaxation techniques for relieving anxiety include:
Progressive muscle relaxation can help you release muscle tension and take a “time out” from your worries. The technique involves systematically tensing and then releasing different muscle groups in your body, starting at your toes and moving upward, slowly. As your body relaxes, your mind will follow.
Deep breathing. When you’re anxious, you breathe faster. This hyperventilation causes symptoms such as dizziness, breathlessness, lightheadedness, and tingly hands and feet. These physical symptoms are frightening, leading to further anxiety and panic. But by breathing deeply from the diaphragm, you can reverse these symptoms and calm yourself down.
Progressive muscle relaxation can help you release muscle tension and take a “time out” from your worries. The technique involves systematically tensing and then releasing different muscle groups in your body. As your body relaxes, your mind will follow.
Meditation. Research shows that mindfulness meditation can actually change your brain. With regular practice, meditation boosts activity on the left side of the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain responsible for feelings of serenity and joy.
Change Your Perspective:
The core symptom of GAD is chronic worrying. It’s important to understand what worrying is, as what you believe about worrying play a huge role in triggering and maintaining GAD.
You may feel like your worries come from the outside – other people, events that stress you out, or challenging situations you’re facing. However, worrying is self-generated. The trigger does come from the outside, but your internal running dialogue keeps it going.
When you’re worrying, you’re talking to yourself about things you’re afraid of (or negative events) that possibly could happen – not a certainty. You run over the feared situation in your mind and think about all the ways you might deal with it. Basically, you’re trying to solve problems that haven’t happened yet, or worse, obsessing on worst-case scenarios.
All this worrying may give you the impression that you’re protecting yourself by preparing for the worst or avoiding bad situations. But more often than not, worrying is unproductive—sapping your mental and emotional energy without resulting in any concrete problem-solving strategies or actions.
How to distinguish between productive and unproductive worrying? If you’re focusing on “what if” scenarios, your worrying is unproductive.
Make Healthy Choices:
Make sleep a priority. Do what you can to make sure you’re getting enough sleep to feel rested. If you aren’t sleeping well, see your doctor. Anxiety and worry can cause insomnia, as anyone whose racing thoughts have kept them up at night can attest. A lack of sleep can also contribute to anxiety. When you’re sleep deprived, your ability to handle stress is compromised. When you’re well rested, it’s much easier to keep your emotional balance, a key factor in coping with anxiety and stopping worry. Improve your sleep at night by changing any daytime habits or bedtime routines that can contribute to sleeplessness.
Use relaxation techniques. Visualization techniques, meditation and yoga are examples of relaxation techniques that can ease anxiety.
Eat healthy. Healthy eating — such as focusing on vegetables, fruits, whole grains and fish — may be linked to reduced anxiety, but more research is needed.
Avoid alcohol and recreational drugs. These substances can worsen anxiety.
Quit smoking and cut back or quit drinking coffee. Both nicotine and caffeine can worsen anxiety.
Stick to your treatment plan. Take medications as directed. Keep therapy appointments. Practice the skills you learn in psychotherapy. Consistency can make a big difference, especially when it comes to taking your medication.
Take action. Work with your mental health professional to figure out what’s making you anxious and address it.
Let it go. Don’t dwell on past concerns. Change what you can in the present moment and let the rest take its course.
Break the cycle. When you feel anxious, take a brisk walk or delve into a hobby to refocus your mind away from your worries.
Socialize. Don’t let worries isolate you from loved ones or enjoyable activities. Social interaction and caring relationships can lessen your worries.
Join a support group for people with anxiety. Here, you can find compassion, understanding and shared experiences. You may find support groups in your community or on the internet, for example, The Band Back Together Project..
There’s no way to predict for certain what will cause someone to develop generalized anxiety disorder, but you can take steps to reduce the impact of symptoms if you experience anxiety:
Get help early. Anxiety, like many other mental health conditions, can be harder to treat if you wait.
Keep a journal. Keeping track of your personal life can help you and your mental health professional identify what’s causing you stress and what seems to help you feel better.
Prioritize issues in your life. You can reduce anxiety by carefully managing your time and energy.
Avoid unhealthy substance use. Alcohol and drug use and even nicotine or caffeine use can cause or worsen anxiety. If you’re addicted to any of these substances, quitting can make you anxious. If you can’t quit on your own, see your doctor or find a treatment program or support group to help you.
Additional Resources About Generalized Anxiety Disorder:
Anxiety Disorders Association of America – This is a website dedicated to understanding and living with anxiety disorders. There is information about multiple anxiety disorders, as well as treatment options.
Support Groups – List of support groups in the U.S., Canada, Australia, and South Africa. (Anxiety and Depression Association of America)
NAMI Helpline – Trained volunteers can provide information, referrals, and support for those suffering from anxiety disorders in the U.S. Call 1-800-950-6264. (National Alliance on Mental Illness)
Find a Therapist – Search for anxiety disorder treatment providers in the U.S. (Anxiety Disorders Association of America)
Support internationally
Support Groups – List of support groups in the U.S., Canada, Australia, and South Africa. (Anxiety and Depression Association of America)
Anxiety UK – Information, support, and a dedicated helpline for UK sufferers and their families. Call: 03444 775 774. (Anxiety UK)
Anxiety Canada – Provides links to services in different Canadian provinces. (Anxiety Disorders Association of Canada)
SANE Help Centre – Provides information about symptoms, treatments, medications, and where to go for support in Australia. Call: 1800 18 7263. (SANE Australia).
This shell of mine is cracking.
I try to hide it under duct tape
But that’s no longer working.
I can’t take another setback,
Another failure,
Another rejection.
I think I have suffered enough.
I deserve to be happy
To be loved
To be surrounded by people who cheer me on
Not tear me down.
Yet life does not agree with me.
It says that I don’t matter
Unless someone needs something:
A Worker
A detective/private investigator
A babysitter A human punching bag.
Life says that I am not good enough.
That I will never be anything more than what I am.
That I am beating my head into a brick wall.
That I should wake up and see that the shitty life I live–
Is all I’m worth.
Life says that my lot in life is to be alone
To watch others have all the fun, joy peace, happiness.
To hide away from the world–ignored and unaccepted.
Sadly, I’ve grown tired of fighting life.
My head is pretty battered from the beating it has taken.
I have chosen to give up,
To silently and quickly murder my dreams
And play alone with the dark shadows of my mind.
34342 and 43 are the national emergency numbers for police and ambulances in Algeria.
Suicide Hotline Algeria: 0021 3983 2000 58
Argentina
911 is the national emergency number in Argentina.
Centro de Atencíon al Familiar del Suicida (http://www.familiardesuicida.com.ar/) is made up of professionals and focuses on the problems caused by suicide, both in the community and in the people it can impact. Their number is (54-11) 4758-2554.
112 and 911 are the national emergency numbers in Armenia.
Trust Social Work and Sociological Research Centre: can be reached at (2) 538194 or (2) 538197
Australia
000 is the national emergency number in Australia.
Lifeline (https://www.lifeline.org.au/) is a 24-hour nationwide service that provides access to crisis support, suicide prevention and mental health support services.[4] It can be reached at 13 11 14. They also offer an online chat service.
Kids Helpline (https://kidshelpline.com.au/) is a 24-hour nationwide service that provides access to crisis support, suicide prevention and counselling services for Australians aged 5–25. It can be reached at 1800 55 1800. In addition the Kids Helpline does also provide online chat services.
Beyond Blue (https://www.beyondblue.org.au) provides nationwide information and support regarding anxiety, depression, and suicide. It has a helpline which can be reached by calling 1300 22 4636. The helpline is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. In addition, the organization also provides online chat from 15-24.
Austria
112 is the national emergency number in Austria.
142 is the number of Telefonseelsorge (http://www.telefonseelsorge.at/) in Austria. Free of charge, operating 24 hours a day.
147 is the number of Rat auf Draht (https://www.rataufdraht.at/), a crisis number especially for children, juveniles and their attachment figures. Free of charge, operating 24 hours a day.
The Bahamas
911 is the national emergency number in The Bahamas.
National Suicide Hotline: 322-2763
Bangladesh
999 is the national emergency number in Bangladesh. 199 is the national number for ambulance and fire.
Kaan Pete Roi (http://shuni.org/) is an emotional support helpline in Bangladesh whose mission is to alleviate feelings of despair, isolation, distress, and suicidal feelings among members of the community, through confidential listening. The helpline is intended for suicide prevention and the promotion of mental health.
Barbados
911 is the national emergency number in Barbados.
Samaritans of Barbados: (246) 4299999
Belgium
112 is the national emergency number in Belgium.
Stichting Zelfmoordlijn 1813 (https://www.zelfmoord1813.be) provides a 24/7 national suicide prevention phone line and a webchat everyday from 18:30 to 22:00 for Dutch language.
Stichting Centre de Prévention du Suicide (https://www.preventionsuicide.be/fr/) provides a 24/7 national suicide prevention phone line for French language.
Teléfono de la Esperanza (http://www.telefonodelaesperanza.org/) aims at promoting mental health to the Spanish and Portuguese-speaking world. Bolivians living in Cochabamba and La Paz can call (00 591 4) 4 25 42 42 and 75288084.
Botswana
911 is the national emergency number in Botswana.
3911270 is the national lifeline.
Brazil
188 is a national emergency number in Brazil.
190 and 191 are the national emergency numbers for police and ambulances in Brazil.
Centro de Valorização da Vida (http://www.cvv.org.br/) is an emotional and suicidal prevention support NGO founded in 1962 in São Paulo, Brazil, and recognized as Federal Public Utility in 1973. It offers voluntary and free support, with all communications being confidential. Contacts can be made through the phone number 141 (available 24/7), personally (in one of the 72 centres around the country), chat (via their website), VoIP (via Skype) and e-mail.
Bulgaria
112 is the national emergency number in Bulgaria.
0035 9249 17 223 is the number for the Sofia Hotline.
Canada
911 is the national emergency number in Canada.
Kids Help Phone (http://org.kidshelpphone.ca/) is a nationwide 24-hour, toll-free, confidential crisis line and counseling service available to Canadians under the age of twenty.
Crisis Text Line (crisistextline.ca), a 24/7 nationwide crisis-intervention text-message hotline created in partnership with Kids Help Phone.
The Crisis Text Line can be reached by texting HOME to 686-868.
Trans Lifeline (http://www.translifeline.org/) is a toll-free crisis hotline available in the United States and in Canada for transgender people staffed by transgender people.
China
110 is the national emergency number in mainland China.
Beijing Suicide Research and Prevention Center (http://www.crisis.org.cn), a World Health Organization Collaborating Centre for Research and Training in Suicide Prevention, available 24/7 at 800-810-1117 (for landline callers) or 010-8295-1332 (for mobile and VoIP callers)
Shanghai Mental Health Center (http://www.smhc.org.cn) serves as a mental health clinic as well as teaching, researching and planning mental health prevention throughout China. They can be reached at 021-64387250.
Shenzhen Mental Health Center (http://www.psyonline.com.cn/) free professional counseling available 24/7 at 0755-25629459
Guangzhou Crisis Research and Intervention Center (http://www.gzcrisis.com/) available 24/7 at 020-81899120 or 020-12320-5, online counseling is also available with QQ messenger at 1661042151
Mental Health Center of School of Medicine of Zhejiang University (http://www.hz7hospital.com/) available 24/7 at 0571-85029595
Croatia
112 is the national emergency number in Croatia.
Plavi Telefon (http://www.plavi-telefon.hr) can be called at 48 33 888 and aim to provide support for issues such as depression, alcoholism, drug abuse and suicide that traditional centers might not accomplish.
Cyprus
112 and 199 are the national emergency numbers in Cyprus.
Cyprus Samaritans (http://www.cyprussamaritans.org) is available every day from 4pm to 12am and is confidential. They can be reached at 8000 7773.
Czech Republic
112 is the national emergency number in the Czech Republic.
Modrá linka (http://www.modralinka.cz/) is a line of trust not only for children and youth. They provide a phone support at +420608902410 from 9AM to 9PM and a chat.
Eluliin (http://www.eluliin.ee/) provides emotional support for those suffering from depression and relationship issues. They’re available from 7pm to 7am at 655 8088 in Estonian and 655 5688 in Russian.
Fiji
917 is the national emergency number in Fiji.
Lifeline Fiji runs the National Crisis Line, Crisis Support, and Suicide Intervention line. Free calls at any time on 132454
Finland:
112 is the national emergency number in Finland.
Finnish Association for Mental Health has provided assistance and support for those dealing with mental health issues and suicide since 1897. They can be reached at 010 195 202 (Finnish) or (09) 4135 0501 (foreigners).
France:
112 is the national emergency number in France, 15 is the number for ambulances, 114 for all emergency services for deaf using FAX or SMS and 17 is for police.
Fil santé jeunes : 0800 235 236 : anonymous and toll-free number for young people.
SOS Suicide Phénix: 01 40 44 46 45 (schedule) : suicide prevention through listening and hospitality (volunteers).
Sos amitié : distress listening on multimedia platform : phone, email, chat (volunteers).
La Croix Rouge Ecoute : 0 800 858 858 : psychological support online, anonymous and free (volunteers).
Germany
112 is the national emergency number in Germany.
Telefonseelsorge (http://www.telefonseelsorge.de/) (24/7, no cost): 0800 111 0 111 (Protestant), 0800 111 0 222 (Catholic), 0800 111 0 333 (for children and youth)
Ghana
999 is the national emergency number in Ghana.
National Lifeline: 2332 444 71279
Greece
1018 (http://suicide-help.gr) is the national emergency number in Greece, 166 is the number for ambulances, 199 for the fire department, 100 is for police.
The Samaritan Befrienders Hong Kong is available 24/7 at 23892222.
Hungary
112 is the national emergency number for Hungary. 104 is the national number for ambulances and 107 is for police
Blue line (http://www.sos116-123.hu/index.php/segelykeres) – 116-123 is a nationwide 24-hour hotline – sos@sos116-123.hu is an email address to use. Helpline providing emotional support for those who are stressed, distressed, depressed, or suicidal.
Samaritans Mumbai: (smaritaansmumbai.com) – +91 8422984528, +91 8422984529, +91 8422984530 – 3 pm to 9 pm, all days. samaritans.helpline@gmail.com. Helpline providing emotional support for those who are stressed, distressed, depressed, or suicidal.
AASRA (http://www.aasra.info/): 91-22-27546669 is a 24-hours a day, 7 days a week nationwide voluntary, professional and confidential services.
112 is the national emergency number for Indonesia.
Kementerian Kesehatan: 500-454
Iran
110 and 115 are the national emergency numbers for police and ambulances in Iran.
Iran Organization of Well Being (http://moshaver.behzisti.ir/page.aspx?id=1480) has provided the free and governmental hotline, 1480, by which the specialists give different types of consultations for a variety of problems such as marriage, family, youths and children, suicide,etc. to those in need. this hotline is open
from 6 am till 9 pm everyday and its services are reached from all provinces of Iran.
Ireland
112 and 999 are the national emergency numbers in Ireland.
Samaritans (http://www.samaritans.org/) is a registered charity aimed at providing emotional support to anyone in distress or at risk of suicide throughout Ireland.
Israel
100 and 101 are the national emergency numbers for police and ambulances in Israel.
Eran.org.il Suicide line operates 24/7 including holidays and can be reached from all regions of Israel by calling 1201 or 972-9 8891333 from abroad. SMS service is given as well during Sunday – Friday between 14:00-18:00 at 076-88444-00.
Italy
112 is the national emergency number for Italy.
Servizio per la Prevenzione del Suicidio (SPS) (http://www.prevenireilsuicidio.it/) ) is a suicide prevention helpline whose mission is to give psychological and emotional support to anyone in suicidal crisis or to anyone who lost a dear one for suicide, through a confidential listening from an equipe of doctors, psychologists and volunteers . The helpline is operating from 9.30 am till 4.30 pm, from Monday to Friday, and it can be reached from all regions of Italy.
Samaritans – ONLUS (http://www.samaritansonlus.org) is available every day from 1pm to 10pm by calling 800 86 00 22 or 06 77208977.
Telefono Amico (http://www.telefonoamico.it) provides services everyday from 10am to 12am by calling 199284284.
Japan
110 and 119 are the national emergency numbers for police and ambulances in Japan.
TELL (http://telljp.com/lifeline/) provides a free, confidential English-language Lifeline service, plus clinical mental health services, for the international community in Japan.[7]
110 for Families & Children (https://www.jordanriver.jo/en/programs/protecting-children/110-families-children) The Helpline offers services in psychological support and consultation, as well as referrals. The initiative aims to alleviate the effect of risk factors children in vulnerable families are exposed to, including families facing challenges impairing their parenting, as well as abuse cases
South Korea
112 and 119 are the national emergency numbers for police and ambulances in South Korea.
Love-Line (Sarang – Jonwha) Counselling Centre Shingongduk-dong 9-22 Mapo-gu SEOUL 24 hours a day.
Befrienders hotline can be reached at 03-79568144 or 03-79568145.
Malta
Appogg Supportline 179
Mauritius
112 and 114 are the national emergency numbers for police and ambulances in Mauritius.
Befrienders Mauritius (http://www.befrienders.org/directory?country=MU) offer a limited-hour crisis helpline for English and French speakers.
Befrienders Maritius hotline can be reached at 800 93 93 +230 800 93 93 (available from 09:00 to 21:00 daily).
Mexico
911 is the national emergency number in Mexico.
SAPTEL (http://www.saptel.org.mx/index.html) is an independent care provider subsidized by the Mexican red cross. It can be reached at (55) 5259-8121. SAPTEL has been active since 2000. It is totally free and they are available Monday to Sunday 9:00 to 21:00. Provides crisis dialogue or treatment for anything related to mental health crisis.
Netherlands
112 is the national emergency number in the Netherlands.
Stichting 113Online (https://www.113.nl/) provides a 24/7 national suicide prevention phone line and webchat.
111 is the national emergency number in New Zealand.
1737, need to talk? (http://www.1737.org.nz) is the national mental health and addictions helpline. Free call or text 1737 any time for support from a trained counsellor.
Lifeline Aotearoa (http://www.lifeline.org.nz) is a New Zealand organisation providing free 24-hour counseling and phone help lines. It provides support, information and resources to people at risk of suicide, family and friends affected by suicide and people supporting someone with suicidal thoughts and/or suicidal behaviours. Call 09 5222 999 if you live within Auckland or 0800 543 354 for those outside of Auckland.
The Lowdown (https://thelowdown.co.nz) provides assistance in dealing with issues such as relationships, anxiety, and depression and are available by e-mail or texting 5626.
Norway
112 and 113 is the national emergency numbers for police and ambulances in Norway
Mental Helse Mental Helse (Mental Health). Can be reached at 116 123 and is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Mental Helse does also provide a chat-service at http://sidetmedord.no where users can write messages anonymously and get answers within 48-hours. A chat-service is also provided. It is open Mondays from 19.00 – 22.00 and Wednesdays: from 19.00 – 22.00. The chat-services may not always be open in July and on public celebration days or Sundays.
Kirkens SOS Kirkens SOS(The Church SOS). Can be reached at 22 40 00 40 and is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The line is free to call and confidential. Kirkens SOS does also provide an anonymous message service(which replies within 24-hours) 27 hours a day, 7 days a week and a chat open 7 days a week at 18.30 – 22.30.
The Philippines
911 is the national emergency number in the Philippines.
The Natasha Goulbourn Foundation (http://www.ngf-hope.org/contact-us/) provides 24/7 assistance to those who call (02) 804-HOPE (4673) or 0917 558 HOPE (4673)
Manila Lifeline Centre: (02) 8969191
Poland
112 is the national emergency number in Poland.
Olsztynski Telefon Zaufania ‘Anonimowy Przyjaciel (http://telefonzaufania.org/) provides 24/7 assistance as it’s the only unit of this type in Poland. They can be reached by calling 89 19288 or 89 527 00 00.
Portugal
112 is the national emergency number in Portugal.
Voz de Apoio (http://www.vozdeapoio.pt) is anonymous and confidential. You can speak to them by calling 225 50 60 70 or through Skype, face-to-face, or writing.
Sos Voz Amiga (http://www.sosvozamiga.org) is available daily from 4pm to 12am by calling 213 544 545, 912 802 669, or 963 524 660. Free Green Line callers can call 800 209 899 from 9pm to 12am.
Sos Estudante (http://sosestudante.pt) provides anonymous, confidential support every day from 8pm to 1am by calling 915 246 060, 969 554 545, 239 484 020 as well as through Skype.
Romania
112 is the national emergency number in Romania.
Alianţa Română de Prevenţie a Suicidului (http://www.antisuicid.com/) is a Romanian support helpline whose mission is to give psychological and emotional support to those that find themselves in depression, those who are in a psychological crisis and those who are suicidal. Help is offered by psychologists and volunteers from Psychology Universities.
Russia
112 is the national emergency number in Russia.
051 (or 8495051) is a 24 hour emergency number for Moscow residents
999 and 995 are the national emergency numbers for the police and ambulances in Singapore.
The Samaritans of Singapore (https://sos.org.sg/) is the only 24-hour, toll-free, confidential suicide prevention hotline in Singapore, for anyone having difficulty coping during a crisis, who are thinking of suicide or affected by suicide.”
The Institute of Mental Health (Singapore) also has a 24-hour Mental Health Helpline (https://www.imh.com.sg/contact-us/) if you are facing a mental health crisis or emergency.”
The Singapore Association of Mental Health (http://www.samhealth.org.sg/) is a voluntary welfare organisation that provides a toll-free counselling helpline for those with emotional crisis or mental health conditions”
Slovakia
IPčko.sk (www.ipcko.sk) – Suicide prevention and psychological help (mainly for youth), providing online chat counseling service from 7am to midnight. IPčko also provides email counseling 24/7 on ipcko@ipcko.sk.
Slovenia
112 is the national emergency number in Slovenia.
Zaupni telefon Samarijan in Sopotnik (http://www.telefon-samarijan.si/) is available 24-hours a day, 7-days a week. The purpose of the organisation is to be available for a conversation to anyone suffering from distress. The confidential phone call hotline is carried out in accordance with the fundamental principles of the international organisation IFOTES. Qualified volunteers can be reached on the toll-free telephone number 116 123.
TOM – telefon za otroke in mladostnike (http://www.e-tom.si) is available 7-days a week from 13:00 – 20:00 and is primarily meant for children and adolescents in distress. The telephone functions within the Association of Friends of Youth of Slovenia (ZPMS). It serves the purpose of providing emotional support for children and young people who face various questions, dilemmas or distress during the process of growing up. Advisers are available to callers needing to share their problems or are seeking advice and additional information on the toll-free telephone number 116 111.
Klic v duševni stiski (http://www.psih-klinika.si/koristne-informacije/klic-v-dusevni-stiski/) is available 7-days a week 19:00 – 7:00. Counsellors of the hotline are trained to work with people and especially trained to talk with people who are having suicidal thoughts. However, you can call for help regardless of the cause of your distress. They are available on the telephone number (01) 520-99-00.
Ženska svetovalnica – krizni center (http://www.drustvo-zenska-svetovalnica.si/o-nas) is available 24-hours a day, 7-days a week. It is a voluntary women’s organisation that works in the field of psycho-social assistance and the self-help of women who are victims of violence. They offer free counseling, information on public service competencies and assistance in organizing self-help groups to women in need. They are available on the telephone number +386 31 233 211.
South Africa
10111 and 10177 are the national emergency numbers for the police and ambulances in South Africa.
The Triangle project (https://triangle.org.za/about/) provides a helpline where lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex people can talk to a trained professional. The professional will ensure the callers privacy and can also refer the caller to other support networks. It can be reached at (021) 712 6699 daily from 13:00 to 21:00. The counselor will then call you back.
Spain
112 is the national emergency number in Spain.
Teléfono de la Esperanza (http://www.telefonodelaesperanza.org) is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, allowing callers to discuss a range of challenges from trauma and suicide to relationship issues.They can be reached by calling 717 003 717.
Sri Lanka
Sri Lanka Sumithrayo – Bandarawela: 011 057 2222662
Saint Vincent and the Grenadines
The Samaritans, St. Vincent: (784) 456 1044
Sudan
Befrienders Khartoum: (249) 11-555-253
Sweden
112 is the national emergency number in Sweden.
Självmordslinjen (Suicide prevention hotline) (https://mind.se/sjalvmordslinjen/) is a registered Non-profit organisation that has worked with mental health since 1931. The organisation provides a 24-hour email, chat and hotline service, all of which are toll-free.
Hjälplinjen (The help line) (https://www.1177.se/Stockholm/Om-1177/Om-Hjalplinjen/) offers temporary psychological support over the phone (toll-free), 7 days a week 13:00 – 22:00. You can opt to be anonymous.[17] The service is run by Sweden’s municipalities through Vårdguiden (the care guide).
BRIS – Barnens rätt i samhället (Children’s right in society) (https://www.bris.se/) is a children’s right organisation. they offer toll-free and anonymous support for all children and young adults up to the age of 18 through phone and chat every day of the year 14:00 – 21:00. BRIS can be reached at 116 111 but also offers contact to curators through email and contact with other youth through their online forum.
Switzerland
112 is the national emergency number in Switzerland.
Die dargebotene Hand (https://www.143.ch/): 143 (helpline for any kind of life crisis and mental health problems)
999 and 112 is the national emergency number in the United Kingdom
111, Option 2, is the National Health Services’ First Response Service for mental health crises and support.
Samaritans (http://www.samaritans.org/) is a registered charity aimed at providing emotional support to anyone in distress or at risk of suicide throughout the United Kingdom.[20] They provide a 24/7, toll-free crisis line, as well as local branches.
Samaritans Helpline can be reached at 116 123.
Samaritans’ previous hotline number, 08457 90 90 90, is no longer in use. Calling this line may result in charges for call forwarding.
Campaign Against Living Miserably (https://www.thecalmzone.net/) is a registered charity based in England. It was launched in March 2006 as a campaign aimed at bringing the suicide rate down among men aged 15–35.[22] It has a limited-hour phone and webchat options.
CALM (Nationwide) can be reached at 58 58 58 0800 58 58 58 (available every day from 5PM to midnight).
CALM (London) can be reached at 802 58 58 0808 802 58 58 (available every day from 5PM to midnight).
911 is the national emergency number in the United States.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/) is a 24-hour, toll-free, confidential suicide prevention hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. It provides Spanish-speaking counselors, as well as options for deaf and hard of hearing individuals. It is only available in the United States. A 24-hour an Online Chat in partnership with Contact USA is also available.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be reached at 1-800-273-8255.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (ESP) can be reached at 1-888-628-9454
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (Deaf & Hard of Hearing Options) can be reached at 1-800-799-4889
The Veterans Crisis Line (https://www.veteranscrisisline.net/) is a 24-hour, toll-free hotline that provides phone, webchat, and text options available to military veterans and their families. It provides options for deaf and hard of hearing individuals.
The Veterans Crisis Line can be reached at 1-800-273-8255, Press 1.
The Crisis Text Line (crisistextline.org) is the only 24/7, nationwide crisis-intervention text-message hotline.
The Crisis Text Line can be reached by texting HOME to 741-741.
Samaritans USA (http://www.samaritansusa.org/) is a registered charity aimed at providing emotional support to anyone in distress or at risk of suicide throughout the United States.
The Trevor Project (http://www.thetrevorproject.org/) is a nationwide organization that provides a 24-hour phone hotline, as well as limited-hour webchat and text options, for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth.
The TrevorLifeline can be reached at 1-866-488-7386.
TrevorText can be reached by texting TREVOR to 1-202-304-1200 (available M-F from 3PM to 10PM ET).
The Trans Lifeline (https://www.translifeline.org/) is a nonprofit organization that is created by and for the transgender community, providing crisis intervention hotlines, staffed by transgender individuals, available in the United States and Canada.
The Trans Lifeline can be reached at 1-877-565-8860.
In my mind’s eye, a big brother…they’re protective. They love their little sisters. It’s what I have strived for my entire life. I vividly remember the two times he played with me as a child. He is almost four years older than I am. So, maybe that makes sense.
When I was seventeen, I had a twenty-four year old boyfriend, who beat the hell out of me in a parking lot. My brother wanted to know “What did you do?”
A few months later, I was in a car accident on the way to Lollapalooza. Within ten minutes, the car (totaled), the cops and emergency was gone. And I was on the side of the road with a few friends, in a neighboring state. Our parents were out of town, though our grandmother lived with us. My brother was staying with her.
I called on a payphone, and was told he had to be work early, so….
I hitchhiked home in the back of a CRX hatchback.
When I found I was pregnant at nineteen, I asked him to come with me to tell our parents. He called me a whore and hung up on me.
On my wedding day, seven months pregnant in the middle of record-breaking heat, my ankles had swollen… “You look like the Michelin Man.”
His wedding “I know you don’t think I love you, but I do.”
After I had caught the other bridesmaids, sisters and friends of his wife, talking about the “fat, tattooed bridesmaid.”
I begged to babysit their children. I was the first to hold one of their twins, who were born at thirty weeks. I was only allowed three times, and it was made abundantly clear to me, I was their last choice.
Ten years ago, ten days before Christmas, our father died. He was My Person. I adored him, though I clearly saw him for who he was, flaws and all. My mother is extraordinarily religious, and is much more concerned about the state of my soul than our relationship.
My brother and I get closer.
He tells our mother “I always thought I knew who she was, turns out I didn’t.”
His twins are a year younger than my youngest son, almost to the day. My son was never invited to a single birthday party. Arranging just ME paying for snowballs, at the place around the corner from their home, took a year and a half to arrange. They live fifteen minutes away from us.
I stop.
I acknowledge I cannot change anyone else’s behavior. I text my nephews on their phones, and my little niece gets hers for Christmas this year.
Our father has been dead for ten years, this year. I am forty-three years old, as of last weekend. I’m not ready.
We do not have extended family. They are either dead, or halfway across the country.
We literally only have each other.
I moved Thanksgiving to my home, when it was both my brother’s and my family’s year to be with our in-laws. Our mother isn’t getting another one, you know?
I asked him if he wanted to come. He said it was his year at his in-laws. I responded it was mine as well, but with everything going on, maybe he could switch up years?
He didn’t even bother to respond.
I completely understand that I want more out of him, than he has to give. He is an amazing father and husband, and incredibly talented musician…but I, me and mine…we just aren’t on his radar. And I cannot MAKE that happen. I cannot make him want it. And while I thought I’d made peace with that….turns out, I’m just fucking pissed off. I pissed off that I have NEVER had a relationship with my only sibling, my only family, besides the one I made….and I also know I cannot change it.
I’ve always been relatively smart. My elementary school wanted me to advance to 2nd grade during Kindergarten. I was in Beta Club and always enjoyed school. Then, in the 3rd grade, my parents split up. I vaguely remember an incident where my dad hit my mom. They got back together when I was in 6th grade. But, things weren’t going well.
We moved after 6th grade. My best friend had moved away a year earlier and I had a hard time making new friends in my new town.
I was smart… and smart kids aren’t the cool kids.
So, I dumbed myself down.
Things weren’t good at home, either. My parents were not happy and it showed. My mom had a meeting with my teacher’s my sophomore year of high school to discuss my poor grades and my English teacher told her it was because I was bored with school. It was too easy for me, and I had given up.
To this day I can not guarantee that it was an empty threat.
After we moved, everything about me changed. I became my mother… she gets upset too easily. She’s depressed. As far as I know, she’s not gotten help for it and she’s always telling me to stop getting “into tizzies.”
I’ve been in some bad relationships where I was used and cheated on and emotionally abused. I was called a “butterface” (everything is okay about her, but her face), ugly, and fat. I think the worst thing people made fun of me for was my nose. It’s on the larger side and now every time I look at myself in the mirror all I see is that damn nose.
I’m engaged now and I love my fiance with all of my heart and I know he loves me, too…but there’s this voice that comes out every now and then and eats away at me.
That voice says that he deserves someone beautiful and he’s going to find her and leave me. My self-esteem is not great.
I trust that he loves me and won’t leave me… but that voice in my head won’t shut up.
The best way to describe how I feel is when you go to a store like Best Buy. If you go to the back of the store where all the TVs are, and you put each TV on a different channel and close your eyes. All those voices, all the things running through your mind – and I can’t make it stop.
My self-esteem is so very low. I can’t even make simple decisions like what I want to eat for dinner. If I go to make a speech or presentation in class, I get so shaky I can barely stand up, let alone speak. In some classes I can’t understand the material, so I cry.
When Tony asks me what I don’t understand so he can help, all I can muster is, “I just don’t understand.”
What’s the most important thing I don’t understand?
Why I went from a smart, outgoing kid to someone who wants to hide in their room with the lights off.
And, then there are days when I feel great and nothing is wrong and I just say to myself, “it went away like usual. See? Everything is better. Sometimes people just get sad.”
Until that voice in the back of my head finds those remotes again.
