There is a picture of me, somewhere out there, probably still on my dad’s phone unless they’ve turned into Christmas Card people, in which case, the picture is most definitely out there in the world for all to see.
I hope it is not.
I didn’t see the picture until I was 5 months sober, staying in the unfinished basement at my parents house, grateful that I was no longer homeless, while I hunted for a job. Before this, I’d been staying there after a stint at a ramshackle, rundown motel, the kind of place you probably could dismantle a dead body, leave the head on the pillow, and no one would think anything of it. But it was my room, and despite the lice they gifted me, I loved it. Until money dried up and suddenly I was, once again, homeless. I’d moved in there after I was discharged from the inpatient psych ward, in which I was able to successfully detox after a suicide attempt. Got some free ECT to boot.
(WINNING)
Despite what you see on the After School Special’s of our childhood, I didn’t take a single Vicodin, fall into a stupor, and become insta-addict – just add narcotics! No, my entry into addiction was a slow and steady downward spiral of which I am deeply ashamed. It’s left my brain full of wreckage and ruin, fragmented bits of my life that don’t follow a single pattern. Between the opiates, the Ketamine, and the ECT, I cannot even be certain that what I am telling you is the truth; what I’ve gathered are bits and pieces of the addict I so desperately hate from other people who are around, fuzzy recollections, and my own social media posts.
About a year and a half before I moved from my yellow house to the apartments by the river, Dave and I had separated; he’d told me that while he cared for me, he no longer loved me. While we lived in the same house, we’d had completely separate lives for years, so he moved to the basement while I stayed upstairs. I’d been miserable before his confession and after? I was nearly broken. Using the Vicodin, then Norco, I was able to numb my pain and get out of my head, which, while remarkably stupid, was effective. For awhile.
Let me stop you, Dear Reader, and ask you to keep what I am about to say in mind as you read through this massive tome. I’m simply trying to make certain that you understand several key things about my addiction and subsequent recovery. I alone was the one who chose to take the drugs. No one forced me to abuse opiates, and even later, (SPOILER ALERT) Ketamine. This isn’t a post about blaming others for my misdoings, rejecting any accountability, nor making any excuses for the stupid, awful things I’ve done. I alone fucked up. My addiction was my own fault. However, in the same vein, no one “saved” me but myself. There was no cheeky interventionist. No room full of people who loved me weeping stoically, telling me how my addiction hurt them. No letters. Nothing. It was just me. I was alone, and I chose to get – and remain – sober.
The delusions started when I moved out, sitting in my empty apartment alone, paralyzed by the thought of getting off the couch to go to the bathroom. Always a night-owl, I’d wake at some ungodly hour of the morning, shaking. It wasn’t withdrawal, no, it was pure unfettered anxiety.
It was the aftermath of using so many pills, all the fun you think you’re having comes back to bite you with crippling anxiety and depression.
Which is why I’d do more.
Yes, opiates are powerful, and yes, I abused them, but things really didn’t become dire until I added Ketamine to my life.
Ketamine, if you’re unaware, is a club drug, a horse tranquilizer, and a date rape drug. You use too much? You may wake up at some hipster coffee bar, trying to sing “You’re Having My Baby” to the dude in the front row who may or may not actually exist. In other words, it’s the best way to forget how fucked you are.
The delusions worsen as time passed. I could see into the future. I could read your mind. I was going to be famous. I was super fucking rich. In this fucked-up world, I could even forget about me, and the life that I’d so carelessly shattered. I remember sitting in Divorce Class at the courthouse, something required of all divorces in Kane County, weeping at all that I’d thrown away – using a total of three boxes of the low-quality, government tissues. I left with a shiny pink face and completely chapped nose and eyes that appeared to be making a break from their sockets. I went home, took some pills, took some Ketamine, and passed out.
I retreated ever-inward. I didn’t talk to many people. I didn’t share my struggles. I was alone, and it was my fault.
The hallucinations started soon after Divorce Class ended and my ex and I split up. He’d left my house in a rage after a fight and went to live with his sister. I got scared. His temper, magnified by the drugs, the hallucinations, and the delusions, grew increasingly frightening. Once he’d moved out, the attacks began. I’d wake up naked in my bedroom, my body sore and bruised, and my brain put the two unrelated events together as one – he was attacking me. It happened every few days, these “attacks,” until I found myself at the police station, reporting them. I was dangerously sick and I had no idea.
My friends on the Internet (those whom I had left), sent me money for surveillance cameras. I bought them, installed them – trying to capture the culprit – and when I saw what I saw, I immediately called the police and told them the culprit.
The videos in my bedroom captured an incredibly stoned, dead-eyed, version of myself, violently attacking myself, brutally tearing at my flesh. In particular, THAT me liked to beat my face with one of my prized possessions – a candlestick set from our wedding, take another pill or hit up some Ketamine, then violating myself with the candlestick. It lasted hours. I’d wake up with no memory of events, sore and tired and unsure of how I’d gotten there.
I’d never engaged in self-injury before – not once – so the very idea that I’d hurt myself was unbelievable, but right there, on my grainy old laptop, was proof of how unhinged I’d become. Charged with filing a false report, I plead guilty.
In early September of 2015, I decided to get fixed, and made arrangements with work to take a few weeks off to do an inpatient detox, and, for the first time in a long time, I woke up happily, rather than cursing the gods that I was still alive.
It was to be short-lived.
Several days later, sober, I was idly chatting with my neighbor about her upcoming vacation (funny the things your brain remembers and what it does not), standing by my screen door, when karma came calling. It sounded like the shucking noise of an ear of corn, or maybe the sound that a huge thing of broccoli makes when you rip it apart – hard. It felt like a bullet to the femur. I crumpled on top of my neighbor and began screaming wildly about calling an ambulance, yelling over and over like some perverse, yet truthful, Chicken Little: “my leg is broken, my LEG is broken!”
I don’t remember much after that. I woke up in (physical rehab) and learned that my femur (hereafter to be called my “Blasfemur,”) had broken, fairly high up on the bone, where the biggest, strongest bone in your body is at its peak of strength. Whaaaa?
The doctors and nurses shrugged it off my questions, with a flippant “It just happens” and sent me home, armed with a Norco prescription, in November, to heal. I added the Ketamine, just to make sure.
A couple of weeks later at the end of November, I was putting up the Christmas tree with the kids and my mother. It was all merry and fucking bright until I sat down on the couch and felt that familiar crunch. Screams came out of me I didn’t know were possible, but I’d lost my actual words. My mother stood over me yelling “what’s wrong? what’s wrong?” and I couldn’t find the words. I overheard her telling my babies that I was “probably just faking it” as she walked out the door, my screams fading into an ice cold silence. They left me alone in that apartment where I screamed and cried and screamed. Finally, I managed to call 911 and when they asked me questions, all I could scream was my address.
I woke up in January in a nursing home. When I woke up, I found myself sitting at a table in a vast dining room, full of old people. For weeks to come, I thought that I’d died and gone…wherever it is that you go.
This time, I learned, my (blas)femur and it’s associated hardware had become infected after the first surgery, which weakened the bone, causing it to snap like a tree. They put me all back together like the bionic woman, but the surgery had introduced the wee colony of Strep D in the bone into my bloodstream, creating an infection on meth. I’d been in a coma for weeks. Once again, I learned to walk, and once again, I was sent home in late January with another Norco prescription. The nursing home really wanted me to have someone stay with me to help out, but I insisted that I was fine alone. In truth, I had nobody to help me out, but was far too ashamed to tell them.
The picture I referenced above was taken some time in May, as far as my fuzzy memory allows me to remember, after my third femur fracture in March. This time, I’d been so high that I fell asleep on the toilet and rolled off. Glamorous, no? Just like Fat Elvis. Luckily, my eldest son was there and he called 911 and my parents to whisk him away. I remember my father on the phone, telling Ben that I was a liar and I was faking it. I was swept away in the ambulance for even more hardware, and finally? A diagnosis:
HypoPARAthyroidism.
It’s an autoimmune disease that leaches calcium from the bones, resulting in brittle bones. It is managed, not treated. There is no cure.
But, I had the answer. Finally.
After my third fracture, I once again was sent to the nursing home, and quickly discharged with even higher doses of Norco, when my insurance balked, I’d used up all my rehab days for the year. By this time, I’d lost my apartment, my stuff was in storage (except the things that we’re thrown away, which my father gloated about while I was flat on my back) and my parents let me stay with them, which was about the only option I had. They couldn’t really kick me out if my leg was only freshly attached. I feel deeper into a depression, self-loathing, and drug abuse as I realized what a mess I’d made with my life. How many bad choices I’d made. How many people I’d hurt. How much I’d hurt myself. How much I loathed myself. How I once had a life that in no way resembled sleeping in my parents dining room. How I’d been a home owner. How I’d been married. How lucky I’d been. How I threw it all away. My life turned into a series of “once did” and “used to.”
The only one who hated me more was my father.
While we were once close confidants, in the years after my marriage to Dave, his disdain had become palpable. My uncle had to intervene one Christmas, after my father mocked me incessantly for taking a temp job filling out gift cards while I was pregnant with Alex. It may seem normal to some of you, this behavior, but in THEIR house, NO ONE was EVER SAD and NOTHING was EVER WRONG. WASPs to the core, my family is.
When I moved back in, broken, dejected, and high, our fights became epic. For the first time in my life, I stood UP to one of my parents. Then, I was promptly kicked out.
Guess I’m not so WASPy after all.
I want to say that the picture was taken around May of 2016, but my estimate may be thoroughly skewed, so if you’re counting on dates being correct and cohesive, you’ve got the wrong girl.
This is a picture of me, though you probably wouldn’t recognize me. I am wearing the blue scrubs that you associate with a hospital: not exactly sky blue, not teal, not navy, just generic blue hospital scrubs. These are, I remember, the only clothes I have to my name. I was given them in both the hospital and the nursing home, a gift, I suppose, of being a frequent flier, tinged with a bit of pity – this girl has no clothes, we can help. Whomever gave them to me, know that you gave me a bit of dignity, which I will never forget. Thank you.
I am wearing scrubs, the light of the refrigerator is slowly bleaching out half of my now-enormous body, as opposed to the darkness outside. There is a tube of fat around my neck, nearly destroying any evidence of my face, but if you look closely, you can make out my glasses, my nostrils, my hair cascading down. My neck is stretched back at nearly a 90 degree angle from my body, my head listlessly resting on the back of my wheelchair. My mouth gaped wide, which, should I been engaging in fly catching, would have netted far more than the average Venus flytrap. I am clearly, unmistakably, and without a single shred of doubt, passed the fuck out.
It is both me and not me.
High as i was, I don’t remember a thing about the photo being taken. But there I was, in all my pixelated glory.
By the time I saw the photo, I was once again in my “will do” and “can do” space. I’d kicked drugs in September 2016 and had found a job that I enjoyed. I stayed with my parents while I began to sort out my medical debt and save toward a new car and an apartment of my own. My spirits were high, my depression finally abated to the background, and I was tentatively happy. I’d apologized until my throat was sore, but my fragmented memory saved me from the worst of it, but I was not forgiven. I don’t think I ever expected to be. And now, I never will.
It’s okay. I can’t expect this. I know I fucked up.
My father, who’d actually grown increasingly disdainful of me, the more sober and well I became, confronted me when I came home one day after work, preparing to do my AFTER work, work.
My mother shuffled along behind him, Ben, the caboose. All three of them were in hysterics, tears rolling down their cheeks as I sat down in my normal spot on the couch. After showing them a video of two turtles humping a couple of days before, I eagerly waited to see what they were showing me.
What it was was that picture. Of the not me, me.
They could hardly contain their laughter, my father happier than ever, braying, “Isn’t this the best picture of you?” and “You PASSED OUT, (heave, heave) IN FRONT OF THE FRIDGE!” punctuated, with “I’m going to frame this picture!” The tears welled in my eyes while my teeth clenched, they laughed even harder at my reaction.
Like I said, if they’ve become Christmas Card sending people, this will be the picture of me they show, expecting others to laugh uproariously. Before I moved out, in fact, my father made certain to show the picture to anyone who came over. “Wanna see something hilarious?” he’d ask. Expecting memes or a funny cat playing the piano, they’d agree. I could see it when they saw it, my dad chortling with laughter, nearly choking on his giggles, the looks on their faces: a mixture of confusion and pity. Even in my drug-hazed “glory,” I’d never felt so low.
Maybe that picture is splashed all over the internet, in the dark recesses I don’t explore, and maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s hung on their wall, replacing all of the other pictures. Maybe it’s not.
Parents are the guardians and caretakers of children – they care for the emotional and physical needs of a child to ensure that the child’s needs are met. However, for some, the traditional roles of parent and child are not followed.
Parentification may be defined as a role-reversal between parent and child. A child’s needs are sacrificed to take care of the needs of one or both of his or her parents. In very extreme cases, the parentified child may be used to fill the void of the parent’s emotional life. Parentification is a form of child abuse.
During the process of parentification, a child may give up his or her needs of attention, comfort, and parental guidance to care for the needs and care of logistical and emotional needs of his or her parents.
The parent, in the case of parentification, does not do what he or she should do to take care of the child or children as a parent and instead, gives up parental responsibilities to one or more of his or her children. Thereby the children are “parentified.” During parentification, the child becomes “the parental child.”
When occurring to a pathological degree, parentification is considered by some a form of child neglect as it impedes development through the denial of basic childhood necessities and experiences.
What Happens During Parentification?
Parents who have certain personality disorders are more at risk for transferring the responsibility of parenthood – the physical and emotional needs of the rest of the family – in an active or passive fashion.
There is an expectation of parentified children to forgo playing, making friends, school work, and/or sleep to better meet the needs of the rest of the family members.
In a family with more than one child, the eldest or most mature child is usually the child prone to be parentified.
In certain cases, a child of the opposite sex is chosen to meet the emotional needs of the parent and become a “surrogate spouse.” It may also lead to emotional incest.
Most children are anxious to make their parents happy, so a child undergoing parentification, often takes his or her new responsibilities seriously. It may even feel as though it’s a huge honor to have such responsibility given to them.
In the long term, however, parentification means that the child’s emotional needs are not met. This can lead to many, greater problems down the road.
There are subtle ways that parents can make the mistake of parentifying their kids. This term means to reverse roles, causing the child to parent the adult. There are two forms of parentification: instrumental and emotional. Instrumental refers to the child actually doing physical tasks that a parent should do, such as taking care of younger siblings or even an adult relative, maintaining the household, or paying the bills. Emotional parentification happens when the child becomes the emotional support for the parent and takes on the burden of being a confidant or friend.
Why is parentification bad for a child?
It can take away their childhood. Childhood is the only opportunity a person has to allow others to care for them all the time and enjoy not having to be responsible and facing the world’s many troubles. Having a happy childhood sets the stage for the rest of a person’s life and identity. Being confused as a child about the role one is supposed to have can cause problems in the future.
Anger, resentment and mistrust can emerge. Parentified children may recognize as they look around them at other children their age that these kids are not expected to do as much as they are, or that their parents don’t talk to them about certain things that the parentified child’s does. As they get older they may also realize that what they were expected to do was unfair, and feel anger and resentment towards their parents. They may not trust others due to these bad past experiences.
It may hinder future relationships. A child’s relationship with their parents is the first and most fundamental relationship a person experiences. Children are supposed to be able to rely on their parent to take care of and protect them. A parentified child realizes that they cannot depend on their parent, and instead, that the parent relies on them. This feeling of only being able to rely on oneself may extend into future relationships for a parentified child.
The child may feel guilty about leaving home. After having been the caretaker of the parent or the family for so long, a parentified child may worry about what will happen to the family once they grow up and leave home. This may hinder the child from wanting to leave and engage in the individuation process that young adults go through of trying to determine who they are and what they want to do with their lives.
How parents can avoid parentifying their child:
Give age-appropriate responsibilities. It is good for kids to have responsibilities such as chores around the house or babysitting for a younger sibling. Responsibilities should increase when a child becomes a teenager to prepare them for being on their own eventually. However, when a young child is responsible for going to the store for groceries, paying the electricity bill, or raising a younger sibling, that is when problems arise.
Maintain the hierarchy of the family. Know that as the parent, you are in charge. Caretaking, family decisions, and managing through hard times are all on you. It is important to be able to convey a sense of control and security to your child so that they can have a solid foundation in life.
Remember that your child is not your friend. This means it is not appropriate to talk to your child about certain things, even if they are older. Emotional parentification often happens during divorces- one or both parents may talk to the child about what is going on between them to an extent that is not appropriate or bad-mouths the other parent. Your child needs to see you as someone who can take care of oneself emotionally in order to be able to confide in you about feelings.
Allow your child to be independent. Emotional parentification can have the effect of enmeshing you and your child so that you depend so much on each other that it is unthinkable to break away. Do and say things that support your child becoming their own person, and do not say things that make your child feel guilty for wanting to leave home or do something different.
Parentification is usually totally unintentional and parents do not realize that it is occurring. Educate yourself so that you can see the signs and make sure your child gets to be young and carefree.
How Do I Know If I Was Parentified As A Child?
If you’re unsure if you were parentified as a child, ask yourself the following questions:
Were you made to feel responsible for your parents welfare, well-being, and feelings?
Was your parent indifferent or did he or she ignore your feelings most of the time?
Were you often blamed, criticized, devalued and demeaned by your parents?
When your parent was upset, were you often the target of those negative feelings?
Did you feel like you were always trying to please your parent – without ever succeeding?
Did you feel like your parent took all the credit for your successes?
If you answered yes to any of the above, you may have been the victim of parentification.
If those questions sounded familiar to you, ask yourself the following:
Did your parents ever say anything like…
“Don’t you want me to feel good?”
“You make me feel like a failure when you…”
“You should care about me.”
“If you cared about me, you’d do what I want you to.”
What Type Of Parents “Parentify” Their Children?
Parentification is often defined as a type of role reversal, boundary distortion, and inverted hierarchy between parents and other family members in which children or adolescents assume developmentally inappropriate levels of responsibility in the family of origin that go unrecognized, unsupported, and unrewarded. In the parentification phenomenon, the overarching role of the parentified youth can be described as that of caregiver – caring for others at the expense of caring for self. It is often clinically observed and empirically examined along two dimensions: instrumental parentification and emotional parentification.
Parentification is often observed in families where the parent or caregiver has experienced a serious medical condition or mental health disorder. Parental alcohol use and abuse is also common in families where parentification exists. More recently, parentification is often evidenced in families where children must serve as a translator (e.g., language broker) for parents and family members.
Many other circumstances can engender inappropriate levels of parentification (e.g., temporal or continuous familial financial hardship, divorce, and cultural settings which promote early childhood responsibility and autonomy). Excessive levels of parentification in the family of origin, often, but not always result in negative outcomes. More recently, empirical literature is beginning to accumulate on differential outcomes,negative and positive, related to parentification.
While all parents may run the risk of parentifying his or her child, there are a few types of parents who run a higher risk of emotionally damaging their child through parentification. These include:
Parents who suffer personality disorders, including narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and dependent personality disorder.
Lacking a moral compass or the ability to act selflessly, narcissist parents create devastating havoc and damage in the lives of their kids. Unlike emotionally mature parents whose priority is to meet their children’s needs, support their healthy development, and respect and nurture their individual identities, narcissist parents put their own needs first and do not recognize their children as separate individuals.
In the narcissistic family, although spouses often suffer excruciatingly, children are most vulnerable to the narcissist’s abuse because they
are relatively helpless;
are reliant on the narcissist parent for caregiving;
are especially susceptible to the narcissist parent’s opinions; and
are easy and manipulable targets.
Parentifying: The Upside-Down Parent-Child Relationship
Consistent, appropriate caretaking and unconditional love are beyond the narcissist’s scope. Rather than seeing those things as his responsibilities (and privileges) as a parent, the narcissist expects such treatment from his kids, often turning the adult-child relationship upside down.
In the narcissistic family, it is common for adults to parentify their children, expecting them to meet their emotional and even physical needs and fulfill roles beyond their maturity level or rightful responsibility. The parentified child may be placed in the role of therapist, confidante, or even surrogate spouse. That child, or others in the family, also may be burdened with excessive chores, caretaking siblings, managing finances, or earning money for the household.
Parentified children may feel flattered to be given adult responsibilities and honored to play the role of “special helper.” It may feel as though they are getting attention from their parent, which they can’t get any other way. But parentification is an extreme violation of boundaries, and the parentified child is being used at her own expense to meet the needs of the person whose job it is to meet hers. As they mature, parentified children are likely to struggle with healthy boundaries, fall into caretaking roles, and believe they can only “earn” love and approval by “working” for it.
What Are The Types Of Parentification?
Two types of parentification exist that may or may not occur together. These types of parentification are “emotional” and “instrumental” parentification.
1) Physical or Instrumental Parentification: In this type of parentification, a child takes up the role of the parent to meet the physical needs of the family and relieves the anxiety of a non-functioning parent. Instrumental parentification primarily involves completing physical tasks for the family such as taking care of relatives with serious medical conditions, grocery shopping, paying bills, and/or ensuring that a younger sibling attends and does well in school.
The child usually takes over the needs of the household, by cooking, cleaning, shopping for groceries, paying bills, managing the budget, getting his or her siblings ready for school, and caring for his or her siblings.
This differs from teaching a child to manage assigned chores and tasks, which is healthy for child development. The parent forces the child to become caretaker, dumping more and more responsibilities upon their child, whether or not the child is developmentally ready for such tasks. This leaves the physically parentified child without opportunity to behave as a child and engage in normal childhood behaviors. The child feels like a surrogate parent to his or her siblings as well as his or her parents.
2) Emotional Parentification: In this type of parentification, a child is forced to meet the emotional needs of his or her parents and siblings. This often involves a child or adolescent taking on the role and responsibilities of confidant, secret keeper, or emotional healer for family members Emotional parentification is the most destructive type of parentification as it robs the child of his or her ability to have a childhood. Emotional parentification also sets up the child for a series of dysfunctions that may incapacitate the child as he or she grows into an adult.
In the role the child is forced to try and meet the emotional and psychological needs of his or her parent. The child may become the parent’s confidant. Every child feels the desire to please his or her parent, even if it means not having his or her emotional needs met. This comes at a high cost – the child cannot develop normally or learn what an emotionally healthy bond is, which can lead to many problems in intimate relationships down the road.
Emotional incest is a type of Emotional Parentification that may occur if a parent selects a child of the opposite sex to confide in, openly discuss the problems and issues facing the parent as the parent uses the child as a surrogate spouse or surrogate therapist. Children should never, ever be treated as adults and exposed to adult problems in such a way.
How Do Parentified Children Respond To Parentification?
There are two major responses that children who have been parentified exhibit. These responses are the compliant response and the siege response and are discussed in greater detail below:
Compliant Response to Being Parentified: this behavior is a continuation of how you behaved as a child caring for his or her parents.
Spend much time caring for others.
Very conforming
Hyper-vigilant about acting to in a manner that pleases others.
Feel responsible for care, welfare and feelings of others.
May be self-deprecating.
Seldom get their own needs met.
Rushes to maintain peace and soothe hurt feelings of others.
Siege Response to Being Parentified: a continuation of the behavior as a child who was parentified and rebelled by attempting to fight to be separate and independent.
Work hard at preventing others from manipulating you.
Withdrawn and seemingly insensitive to others.
Work to avoid being involved by the demands of others.
Assume responsibility for the welfare of others and feel diminished when you don’t meet their expectations.
What Are The Future Problems For Victims Of Parentification?
There is a difference between giving your child responsibility and parentifying them
Growing up parenting your parent, having your childhood taken away, never getting the opportunity to be a child, can lead to a number of bigger problems down the road. The two main problem facing parentified children as adults include anger and difficulty with interpersonal relationships and attachments.
With regard to potential outcomes, research that has examined the experiences of parentified children during childhood reveals that these individuals report a vast array of adverse effects in response to adopting the parentified role.
Extreme Anger – parentified children can grow to become extremely angry. They may have a love/hate relationship with their parent, but they may not understand why. Some adults who were parentified children may not understand the seemingly endless chasm of anger at others, including friends, partners and children. These people may explode with anger if the emotional wounds of their childhood are triggered.
Difficulty Forming Attachments With Other Adults: an adult parentified child may have a difficult time connecting with others. This difficulty can be closely tied to growing up without understanding healthy versus unhealthy attachments. This may lead to problems forming a healthy intimacy in relationships.
Other Problems Facing An Adult Who Was A Parentified Child:
If left unresolved, these symptoms of maladjustment can continue into adulthood, causing further dysfunction throughout the parentified individual’s lifespan instead, the majority of research conducted has focused solely on the effects of childhood parentification on individual characteristics in adulthood. Specifically, parentification has been shown to impede identity development and personality formation and to affect interpersonal relationships, including those with one’s own children. It has also been foundto be associated with later attachment issues, mental illness, psychological distress, masochistic and narcissistic personality disorders, substance abuse, and one’s academic and career choices.
However, researchers have speculated that in some instances, emotional and instrumental parentification may prove beneficial for individuals in adulthood. Specifically, parentification can lead to greater interpersonal competence and stronger family
cohesion, as well as higher levels of individuation, differentiation from family, and self-mastery and autonomy when the child experiences a low level of parentification and when the efforts of the child are recognized and rewarded by adult figures
There’s not a question that becoming the parent of your own parent can lead to some pretty heavy burdens. Losing your childhood, your innocence, turning into “little adults” far too young leads to many problems later in life. These problems can include the following:
Low or poor self-esteem
These children are more likely to report internalizing problems such as depressive symptoms and anxiety, as well as somatic symptoms like headaches and stomachaches
Furthermore, parentification is also linked to social difficulties, particularly lower competency in interpersonal relationships as well as academic problems such as high absenteeism and poor grades
Parentified children are also more likely to exhibit externalizing behaviors such as aggressiveness and disruptive behavior, substance use, self-harm, and attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder
Fears that he or she may not properly meet his or her own demands and expectations.
Parentification occurs when a child feels obligated to act as the parent to their parent, whether it is in the practical way, like taking care of siblings, making dinner, or cleaning the house, or emotionally, when the child has to provide emotional support for the parent. This can occur for many reasons, but if a child is somehow forced into a parental role when they should have the freedom to behave like a child, it can delay their development and affect them through adulthood. Parentification can cause underlying anger, difficulty forming connection in relationships, and people-pleasing behavior. It can impact self-worth and the ability to form one’s own identity.
In learning about parentification, we can begin to identify and accept our own experience with it, building the foundation for healing and growth. But how can we then move forward in our lives and break the cycle so our children do not experience the same?
First and foremost, we must find a way to heal our own emotional wounds – likely through individual or group therapy. Even if we can identify the behaviors of our parents and the ways in which those behaviors affected us, it can take time to process the feelings of hurt and loss that accompany the realization that we were never given the care we as children deserved.
Sometimes we have to grieve never having a safe childhood in which we could be ourselves, make messes, and play irresponsibly. Sometimes we have to accept our anger and forgive our parents for not providing the stable foundation we so desperately needed. Working through the effects of parentification may take time, but we are able to take the first step of breaking the cycle.
As you move through your healing process, try to recall the ways in which you experienced parentification. For some, parentification is instrumental, meaning that as a child one was required to tend to many or most household chores and responsibilities, especially in the absence of one or both parents. Often these duties end up being asked of the eldest child in the family, simply because the eldest child is often the most “qualified” to be able to handle the household responsibilities.
If you experienced instrumental parentification, ask yourself, “How can I expect my children to complete chores in order to teach responsibility without placing too much burden on them?” Maybe you limit a child’s chores to one or two duties per week, so that the child has plenty of playtime and homework time to tend to their own needs. Another approach might be that you are actively mindful of not relying on your child to complete household tasks and instead asking them to help out only occasionally.
For others, parentification may have been emotional, meaning that as a child one was required to tend to one or both parents’ emotional needs. Often one parent relies on a child for emotional support and friendship, blurring the relationship boundary. Children who take on the role of mediator between fighting parents can also find themselves emotionally parentified, because they feel responsible for being “the glue that holds the family together.”
To break the cycle of emotional parentification, as parents we must be very mindful of the boundary between parent and child as well as our children’s need to feel that we are a secure place that they can return when scared, upset, or hurt. It’s important to show a child that even if he misbehaves, his parents will not stop loving him. Or, that if she establishes independence by playing with other children on the playground, parents will still be there waiting for her when she’s done.
Consider whether you received the kind of love and care you needed as a child. Sometimes it can be difficult to admit that our parents might have fallen short, even if they did the best they could. Just because they weren’t perfect doesn’t mean we don’t love them. But loving our parents doesn’t negate our needs and doesn’t mean that we aren’t entitled to feel sad or angry with them because of something we longed for but never received.
Acknowledging and accepting our experiences can help us break the cycle and move forward to give our children more our parents gave us.
We all experience mood changes and mood swings. Sometimes we’re happy – maybe even euphoric – and other times we’re sad and feeling low. These changes in your mood are completely normal. For others, however, their mood swings are so pronounced and lingering that they begin to affect people in major ways – loss of work, marital strife, divorce. Sometimes these mood swings even cause people to lose touch with reality, and may even be life-threatening. Situations like these represent mood disorders.
Mood disorders are considered to be disturbances in emotional experiences that are strong enough to intrude on living.
Marked by changes in mood, depression and bipolar disorder (also known as manic depression) are both highly treatable, medical illnesses. Unfortunately, many people don’t get the help they need because of the misunderstanding surrounding the illnesses or the fear associated with stigma. The following are brief descriptions of depression and bipolar disorder.
According to the 2005 National Comorbidity Survey-Replication study, about 20.9 million American adults, or 9.5 percent of the population ages 18 and older, have mood disorders. These include major depressive disorder; dysthymic disorder (a chronic, mild depression); and bipolar disorder (also called manic depression). Major depressive disorder is, by itself, the leading cause of disability among Americans age 15 – 44, according to the World Health Organization.
Changes in mood that interfere with everyday life may indicate a mood disorder such as depression or bipolar disorder. Mood disorders are treatable medical conditions. With appropriate diagnosis, treatment, and support, most people struggling with mood disorders will get better.
If you have concerns about mood or behavior changes in yourself or someone you know, it’s important that you gain an understanding of how to recognize mood disorders like depression and bipolar disorder, and how to get appropriate diagnosis and treatment for them.
Symptoms of Mood Disorders:
Depending on age and the type of mood disorder, a person may have different symptoms of depression. The following are the most common symptoms of a mood disorder:
Ongoing sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
Feeling hopeless or helpless
Having low self-esteem
Feeling inadequate or worthless
Excessive guilt
Repeating thoughts of death or suicide, wishing to die, or attempting suicide (Note: People with this symptom should get treatment right away!)
Loss of interest in usual activities or activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
Relationship problems
Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
Changes in appetite and/or weight
Decreased energy
Trouble concentrating
A decrease in the ability to make decisions
Frequent physical complaints (for example, headache, stomachache, or tiredness) that don’t get better with treatment
Running away or threats of running away from home
Very sensitive to failure or rejection
Irritability, hostility, or aggression
In mood disorders, these feelings are more intense than what a person may normally feel from time to time. It’s also of concern if these feelings continue over time, or interfere with one’s interest in family, friends, community, or work. Any person who expresses thoughts of suicide should get medical help right away.
The symptoms of mood disorders may look like other conditions or mental health problems. Always talk with a healthcare provider for a diagnosis.
Who Is At Risk For A Mood Disorder?
Anyone can feel sad or depressed at times. However, mood disorders are more intense and harder to manage than normal feelings of sadness. Children, teens, or adults who have a parent with a mood disorder have a greater chance of also having a mood disorder. However, life events and stress can expose or worsen feelings of sadness or depression. This makes the feelings harder to manage.
Sometimes, life’s problems can trigger depression. Being fired from a job, getting divorced, losing a loved one, death in the family, and financial trouble, to name a few, all can be difficult and coping with the pressure may be troublesome. These life events and stress can bring on feelings of sadness or depression or make a mood disorder harder to manage.
The risk of depression in women is nearly twice as high as it is for men. Once a person in the family has this diagnosis, their brothers, sisters, or children have a higher chance of the same diagnosis. In addition, relatives of people with depression are also at increased risk for bipolar disorder.
Medical Risk Factors For Mood Disorders Include:
Biochemical Factors
Depression is a type of mood disorder that some believe is triggered when neurotransmitters in the brain are out of balance. Neurotransmitters are chemical messengers that help the brain communicate with other parts of the body. These chemicals help regulate many physiological functions.
Low levels of neurotransmitters may play a role in why some people are more susceptible to depression, including the neurotransmitters:
serotonin
norepinephrine
dopamine
Genetic Factors
Having an immediate family member with depression or a mood disorder can increase your risk for depression. The American Psychiatric Association (APA) states that if one identical twin is diagnosed with depression, the other twin has a 70 percent chance of developing it.
However, depression can occur in people with no family history, which is why some scientists believe it can be a product of both genes and life experiences.
Sleep disorders
Chronic sleep problems are associated with depression. Although experts don’t know if a lack of sleep causes depression, bouts of low mood do seem to follow periods of poor sleep.
Serious illness
The pain and stress that come with certain conditions can take a toll on a person’s mental state. Many chronic conditions are linked to higher rates of depression, including:
chronic pain
arthritis
heart disease
diabetes
thyroid disease
stroke
cancer
multiple sclerosis
Alzheimer’s disease
dementia
Parkinson’s disease
Huntington’s disease
Social Risk Factors for Depression:
Sometimes, our past and present experiences can trigger mood disorders, including depression.
Abuse:
People who were neglected or abused as children have a high risk for major depression. Such negative experiences can cause other mental disorders as well.
Gender:
Women are twice as likely to have depression as men, but this may be due to the fact that more women seek treatment for their symptoms than men. Some believe depression can be caused by hormonal changes throughout life. Women are particularly vulnerable to depression during pregnancy and after childbirth, which is called postpartum depression, as well as during menopause.
Lack of social support:
Prolonged social isolation and having few friends or supportive relationships is a common source of depression. Feelings of exclusion or loneliness can bring on an episode in people who are prone to mood disorders.
Major life events:
Even happy events, such as having a baby or landing a new job, can increase a person’s risk for depression. Other life events linked to depression include:
losing a job
buying a house
getting a divorce
moving
retiring
The death of a loved one is certainly a major life event. Great sadness is a major part of the grieving process. Some people will feel better in a matter of months, but others experience more serious, long-term periods of depression. If your grieving symptoms last more than two months, you should see your doctor to be evaluated for depression.
Substance Risk Factors for Mood Disorders:
Many people who have mood disorders try, before approaching a doctor, to self-medicate themselves. That means that they use alcohol and other drugs to make themselves feel better.
Substance abuse:
In many cases, substance abuse and depression go hand-in-hand. Drugs and alcohol may lead to chemical changes in the brain that raise the risk for depression. Self-medication with drugs and alcohol can also lead to depression.
Medications:
Certain medications have been linked to depression, including:
blood pressure medication
sleeping pills
sedatives
steroids
prescription painkillers
If you are taking any such medications, speak to your doctor about your concerns. Never stop taking a medication without first consulting your physician.
What Are The Types of Mood Disorders?
Mood disorders describe a broad category of disorders in which a person’s mood is the primary underlying symptom.
If you have a mood disorder, your general emotional state or mood is distorted or inconsistent with your circumstances and interferes with your ability to function. You may be extremely sad, empty or irritable (depressed), or you may have periods of depression alternating with being excessively happy (mania).
Anxiety disorders can also affect your mood and often occur along with depression. Mood disorders may increase your risk of suicide.
Major Depressive Disorder requires two or more major depressive episodes. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), major depression is one of the most common mental disorders in the United States.
If you think you may hurt yourself or attempt suicide, call 911 or your local emergency number immediately.
Also consider these options if you’re having suicidal thoughts:
Call your doctor or mental health professional.
Call a suicide hotline number — in the U.S., call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). Use that same number and press “1” to reach the Veterans Crisis Line.
Reach out to a close friend or loved one.
Contact a minister, spiritual leader or someone else in your faith community.
Diagnostic criteria:
Depressed mood and/or loss of interest or pleasure in life activities for at least 2 weeks and at least five of the following symptoms that cause clinically significant impairment in social, work, or other important areas of functioning nearly every day:
Depressed mood most of the day, almost every day.
Lack of interest or pleasure in all or most activities
Significant unintentional weight loss or gain
Insomnia or sleeping too much.
Agitation or psychomotor retardation noticed by others
Fatigue or loss of energy.
Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt.
Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisivenesss
Frequent thoughts of death, dying, or suicide
Treatment:
Major Depressive Disorder is generally treated with a combination of antidepressants, including SSRI’s, SNRI’s, and talk therapy. Also, those with depression should eat well, exercise often, and stick to a stress-free life.
Dysthymia and Persistent Depressive Disorder
This is a chronic, low-grade, depressed, or irritable mood that lasts for at least 2 years.
Persistent depressive disorder, also called dysthymia is a continuous long-term (chronic) form of depression. You may lose interest in normal daily activities, feel hopeless, lack productivity, and have low self-esteem and an overall feeling of inadequacy. These feelings last for years and may significantly interfere with your relationships, school, work and daily activities.
If you have persistent depressive disorder, you may find it hard to be upbeat even on happy occasions — you may be described as having a gloomy personality, constantly complaining or incapable of having fun. Though persistent depressive disorder is not as severe as major depression, your current depressed mood may be mild, moderate or severe.
Diagnostic criteria:
Depressed mood most of the day for more days than not, for at least 2 years, and the presence of two or more of the following symptoms that cause clinically significant impairment in social, work, or other important areas of functioning:
Poor appetite or overeating.
Insomnia or sleeping too much
Low energy or fatigue
Low self-esteem
Poor concentration or difficulty making decisions.
Feelings of hopelessness\
Treatment:
Treatment includes antidepressants, talk therapy, as well as good self-care habits.
Bipolar disorder is characterized by more than one bipolar episode.
There are three types of bipolar disorder:
Bipolar 1 Disorder, in which the primary symptom presentation is manic, or rapid (daily) cycling episodes of mania and depression. A manic episode is a period of abnormally elevated mood and high energy, accompanied by abnormal behavior that disrupts life. Most people with bipolar I disorder also suffer from episodes of depression. Often, there is a pattern of cycling between mania and depression. This is where the term “manic depression” comes from. In between episodes of mania and depression, many people with bipolar I disorder can live normal lives.
Bipolar 2 Disorder, in which the primary symptom presentation is recurrent depression accompanied by hypomanic episodes (a milder state of mania in which the symptoms are not severe enough to cause marked impairment in social or occupational functioning or need for hospitalization, but are sufficient to be observable by others). Bipolar II is similar to bipolar I disorder, with moods cycling between high and low over time.However, in bipolar II disorder, the “up” moods never reach full-blown mania. The less-intense elevated moods in bipolar II disorder are called hypomanic episodes, or hypomania.
A person affected by bipolar II disorder has had at least one hypomanic episode in his or her life. Most people with bipolar II disorder suffer more often from episodes of depression. This is where the term “manic depression” comes from. In between episodes of hypomania and depression, many people with bipolar II disorder typically live normal lives
Cyclothymic Disorder, a chronic state of cycling between hypomanic and depressive episodes that do not reach the diagnostic standard for bipolar disorder. Cyclothymia — or cyclothymic disorder — is a relatively mild mood disorder. In cyclothymic disorder, moods swing between short periods of mild depression and hypomania, an elevated mood. The low and high mood swings never reach the severity or duration of major depressive or full mania episodes. People with cyclothymic disorder have milder symptoms than occur in full-blown bipolar disorder.
Manic episodes are characterized by:
A distinct period of abnormally and persistently elevated, expansive, or irritable mood, lasting at least 1 week (or any duration if hospitalization is necessary)
Diagnostic Criteria:
During the period of mood disturbance, three (or more) of the following symptoms have persisted (4 if the mood is only irritable) and have been present to a significant degree:
increased self-esteem or grandiosity
decreased need for sleep (e.g., feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep)
more talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking
flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing
distractability (i.e., attention too easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant external stimuli)
increase in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school, or sexually) or psychomotor agitation
excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g., engaging in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments)
Treatments:
Bipolar disorder is treated with three main classes of medication: mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, and, while their safety and effectiveness for the condition are sometimes controversial, antidepressants..
Typically, treatment entails a combination of at least one mood-stabilizing drug and/or atypical antipsychotic, plus psychotherapy. The most widely used drugs for the treatment of bipolar disorder include lithium carbonate and valproic acid (also known as Depakote or generically as divalproex). Lithium carbonate can be remarkably effective in reducing mania, although doctors still do not know precisely how it works. Lithium may also prevent recurrence of depression, but its value seems greater against mania than depression; therefore, it is often given in conjunction with other medicines known to have greater value for depression symptoms, sometimes including antidepressants.
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)
is a form of depression most often associated with fewer hours of daylight in the far northern and southern latitudes from late fall to early spring
Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a type of depression that’s related to changes in seasons — SAD begins and ends at about the same times every year. If you’re like most people with SAD, your symptoms start in the fall and continue into the winter months, sapping your energy and making you feel moody. Less often, SAD causes depression in the spring or early summer.
Treatment for SAD may include light therapy (phototherapy), medications and psychotherapy.
Don’t brush off that yearly feeling as simply a case of the “winter blues” or a seasonal funk that you have to tough out on your own. Take steps to keep your mood and motivation steady throughout the year.
Common symptoms of SAD include fatigue, even with too much sleep, and weight gain associated with overeating and carbohydrate cravings. SAD symptoms can vary from mild to severe and can include many symptoms similar to major depression, such as:
Feeling of sadness or depressed mood
Marked loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed
Changes in appetite; usually eating more, craving carbohydrates
Change in sleep; usually sleeping too much
Loss of energy or increased fatigue despite increased sleep hours
Increase in restless activity (e.g., hand-wringing or pacing) or slowed movements and speech
Feeling worthless or guilty
Trouble concentrating or making decisions
Thoughts of death or suicide or attempts at suicide
SAD may begin at any age, but it typically starts when a person is between ages 18 and 30.
Treatments:
Treatment for seasonal affective disorder may include light therapy, medications and psychotherapy. If you have bipolar disorder, tell your doctor — this is critical to know when prescribing light therapy or an antidepressant. Both treatments can potentially trigger a manic episode.
Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD)
Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a much more severe form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). It may affect women of childbearing age. It’s a severe and chronic medical condition that needs attention and treatment. Lifestyle changes and sometimes medicines can help manage symptoms.
Diagnosis:
In general, to diagnose PMDD the following symptoms must be present:
Over the course of a year, during most menstrual cycles, 5 or more of the following symptoms must be present:
Depressed mood
Anger or irritability
Trouble concentrating
Lack of interest in activities once enjoyed
Moodiness
Increased appetite
Insomnia or the need for more sleep
Feeling overwhelmed or out of control
Other physical symptoms, the most common being belly bloating, breast tenderness, and headache
Symptoms that disturb your ability to function in social, work, or other situations
Symptoms that are not related to, or exaggerated by, another medical condition
Treatment:
Two types of medication may help with PMDD: those that affect ovulation and those that impact the central nervous system (CMS).
Examples include the use of:
SSRI antidepressants such as fluoxetine (Prozac, Sarafem), sertraline (Zoloft), paroxetine (Paxil), and citalopram (Celexa)
oral contraceptives that contain drospirenone and ethinyl estradiol
gonadotropin-releasing hormone analogs such as leuprolide (Lupron), nafarelin (Synarel) and goserelin (Zoladex)
danazol (Danocrine)
Cognitive therapy (CT) has been shown to help those with PMS. Combined with medication, CT may also help those with PMDD.
This is a disorder of chronic, severe and persistent irritability in children that often includes frequent temper outbursts that are inconsistent with the child’s developmental age.
The defining characteristic of disruptive mood dysregulation disorder (DMDD) in children is a chronic, severe, and persistent irritability. This irritability is often displayed by the child as a temper tantrum, or temper outburst, that occur frequently (3 or more times per week). When the child isn’t having a temper outburst, they appear to be in a persistently irritable or angry mood, present most of the day, nearly every day. As the DSM-5 Fact Sheet says, “Far beyond temper tantrums, DMDD is characterized by severe and recurrent temper outbursts that are grossly out of proportion in intensity or duration to the situation.”
This disorder, which was new to the DSM-5 in 2013, was created in an effort to replace the diagnosis of childhood bipolar disorder. The prevalence of this disorder is not yet known, but is expected to be within the 2 to 5 percent range for children.
The onset of symptoms must be before age 10, and a diagnosis should not be made for the first time before age 6 or after age 18.
Diagnostic Criteria for Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder:
Severe recurrent temper outbursts manifested verbally (e.g., verbal rages) and/or behaviorally (e.g., physical aggression toward people or property) that are grossly out of proportion in intensity or duration to the situation or provocation
The temper outbursts are inconsistent with developmental level (e.g., the child is older than you would expect to be having a temper tantrum).
The temper outbursts occur, on average, three or more times per week
The mood between temper outbursts is persistently irritable or angry most of the day, nearly every day, and is observable by others (e.g., parents, teachers, friends).
The above criteria have been present for 1 year or more, without a relief period of longer than 3 months. The above criteria must also be present in two or more settings (e.g., at home and school), and are severe in at least one of these settings
The diagnosis should not be made for the first time before age 6 years or after age 18. Age of onset of these symptoms must be before 10 years old.
There has never been a distinct period lasting more than 1 day during which the full symptom criteria, except duration, for a manic or hypomanic episode have been met.
The behaviors do not occur exclusively during an episode of major depressive disorder and are not better explained by another mental disorder.
As with all child mental disorders, the symptoms also can not be attributable to the physiological effects of a substance or to another medical or neurological condition.
Treatment:
If you think your child has DMDD, it is important to seek treatment. DMDD can impair a child’s quality of life and school performance and disrupt relationships with his or her family and peers. Children with DMDD may find it hard to participate in activities or make friends. Having DMDD also increases the risk of developing depression or anxiety disorders in adulthood.
While researchers are still determining which treatments work best, two major types of treatment are currently used to treat DMDD symptoms:
Medication
Psychological treatments
Psychotherapy
Parent training
Computer based training
Psychological treatments should be considered first, with medication added later if necessary, or psychological treatments can be provided along with medication from the beginning.
It is important for parents or caregivers to work closely with the doctor to make a treatment decision that is best for their child.
Depression Related To Medical Illness
Is a persistent depressed mood and a significant loss of pleasure in most or all activities that’s directly related to the physical effects of another medical condition.
Depression associated with a chronic medical illness often aggravates the condition, especially if the illness causes pain and fatigue, or limits a person’s ability to interact with others. Depression can intensify pain, as well as fatigue and sluggishness. The combination of chronic illness and depression also can cause people to isolate themselves, which is likely to exacerbate the depression.
Research on chronic illnesses and depression indicates that depression rates are high among patients with chronic conditions:
Chronic pain syndrome: 30% to 54% experience depression
Hypothyroidism
Lupus
Huntington’s Chorea – depression is a hallmark of the beginning of the disease and the end of the disease
Depression Related To Substance Use And/Or Abuse:
It’s no secret that there is a strong connection between substance use and mental illness. In fact, substance abuse is nearly always linked to depression, this is called duel diagnosis, meaning that there are two closely related problems that need to be treated at the same time.
The National Bureau of Economic Research reports that people who have been diagnosed with a mental illness at some point in life consume 69 percent of the nation’s alcohol and 84 percent of the national’s cocaine. When a person struggles with substance abuse and a mental illness, this is known as a dual diagnosis or co-occurring disorder.
Depression is a mental illness frequently co-occurring with substance use. The relationship between the two disorders is bi-directional, meaning that people who abuse substances are more likely to suffer from depression, and vice versa. People who are depressed may drink or abuse drugs to lift their mood or escape from feelings of guilt or despair. But substances like alcohol, which is a depressant, can increase feelings of sadness or fatigue. Conversely, people can experience depression after the effects of drugs wear off or as they struggle to cope with how the addiction has impacted their life.
Depression is all too often a gateway into drug and alcohol use. It’s easy to see why. Those who experience feelings of depressions take alcohol and drugs in order to escape their negative emotions. But those who are clinically depressed are going to stay depressed if they do not seek treatment. And if these individuals are using drugs and alcohol on a regular basis, chances are their usage will soon turn into full-blown addiction as they continue in a vain attempt to self-medicate.
For some individuals who have depression and a substance use disorder, giving up drugs or alcohol can actually make depression worse. If you’ve been using alcohol for years to bury your depressive symptoms, you may find that your depression rises to the surface in sobriety. That’s why it’s so important to receive integrated treatment for both depression and substance abuse at the same time.
Without treating the depression that drives your addiction, or vice versa, you’re likely to go back to your addictive behaviors or to experience a return of your depressive symptoms as soon as you finish rehabilitation. In many cases, people who have depression and substance abuse drop out of conventional rehab programs because sobriety is too much to handle without the right level of therapeutic support.
How Are Mood Disorders Treated?
Mood disorders can often be treated with success. Treatment may include:
Antidepressant and mood stabilizing medicines—especially when combined with psychotherapy have shown to work very well in the treatment of depression
Psychotherapy—most often cognitive-behavioral and/or interpersonal therapy. This therapy is focused on changing the person’s distorted views of himself or herself and the environment around him or her. It also helps to improve interpersonal relationship skills, and identifying stressors in the environment and how to avoid them
Family therapy
Other therapies, such as electroconvulsive therapy and transcranial stimulation
Families play a vital supportive role in any treatment process. When correctly diagnosed and treated, people with mood disorders can live, stable, productive, healthy lives.
When you find out that a friend or loved one has been diagnosed with cancer, it’s hard to know how best to provide help and support. People who have cancer have different treatment plans, different types of cancer, and differing responses to treatment. That means that there’s no one-size-fits-all answer to supporting a friend or loved one with cancer.
You may have just learned that you have cancer. Or you may be in treatment, finishing treatment, or have a friend or family member with cancer. Having cancer changes your life and the lives of those around you. The symptoms and side effects of the disease and its treatment may cause certain physical changes, but they can also affect the way you feel and how you live.
Research shows, though, that the more help and support a person with cancer has during their diagnosis, treatment, and recovery, the more well-adjusted they feel. So, your friendship really matters.
What Might I Feel After My Diagnosis?
We all know that cancer affects your physical health, but it can also bring up a wide range of feelings you’re not used to dealing with. A cancer diagnosis can also make existing feelings seem more intense. They may change daily, hourly, or even minute to minute. This is true whether you’re currently in treatment, done with treatment, or a friend or family member. These feelings are all normal.
Often the values you grew up with affect how you think about and cope with cancer. For example some people:
Feel they have to be strong and protect their friends and families
Seek support and turn to loved ones or other cancer survivors
Ask for help from counselors or other professionals
Turn to their faith to help them cope
Whatever you decide, it’s important to do what’s right for you and not to compare yourself with others. Your friends and family members may share some of the same feelings. If you feel comfortable, share this information with them.
Anger
It’s very normal to ask, “Why me?” and be angry at the cancer diagnosis. You may also feel anger or resentment towards your health care providers, your healthy friends and your loved ones. And if you’re religious, you may even feel angry with God.
Anger often stems first from feelings that are hard to show, such as:
fear
panic
frustration
anxiety
helplessness
If you feel angry, you don’t have to pretend that everything is okay. It’s not healthy to keep it inside you. Talk with your family and friends about your anger. Or, ask your doctor to refer you to a counselor. And know that anger can be helpful in that it may motivate you to take action.
Denial
When you were first diagnosed, you may have had trouble believing or accepting the fact that you have cancer. This is called denial. It can be helpful because it can give you time to adjust to your diagnosis. It can also give you time to feel hopeful and better about the future.
Sometimes, denial is a serious problem as it make keep you from getting the treatment you need.
The good news is that most people work through denial. Usually by the time treatment begins, most people accept the fact that they have cancer and move forward. This is true for those with cancer as well as the people they love and care about.
Depression
Depression can be treated. Below are common signs of depression. If you have any of the following signs for more than 2 weeks, talk to your doctor about treatment. Be aware that some of these symptoms could be due to physical problems, so it’s important to talk about them with your doctor.
Emotional signs:
Feelings of sadness that don’t go away
Feeling emotionally numb
Feeling nervous or shaky
Having a sense of guilt or feeling unworthy
Feeling helpless or hopeless, as if life has no meaning
Feeling short-tempered, moody
Having a hard time concentrating, feeling scatterbrained
Crying for long periods of time or many times each day
Focusing on worries and problems
No interest in the hobbies and activities you used to enjoy
Finding it hard to enjoy everyday things, such as food or being with family and friends
Thinking about hurting yourself
Thoughts about killing yourself
Body changes:
Unintended weight gain or loss not due to illness or treatment
Sleep problems, such as not being able to sleep, having nightmares, or sleeping too much
Racing heart, dry mouth, increased perspiration, upset stomach, diarrhea
Changes in energy level
Fatigue that doesn’t go away
Headaches, other aches and pains
You don’t and can’t fix depression on your own. Depression is a very normal part of any life-changing diagnosis. If you’ve been feeling blue for longer than 2 weeks, call your doctor and tell him or her about it. They can help.
Fear and Worry
It’s scary to hear that you have cancer. You may be afraid or worried about any number of things, including:
Dying before loved ones
Feeling that your life is unfinished
Pain
Feeling sick and ill before and after treatments
Looking different than you once did
Providing for and taking care of your loved ones
Cost of treatment
Taking care of your family
Keeping your job
Dying
Some cancer fears are based on stories, rumors, or mis-information. To cope with fears and worries, learn as much as you can about your cancer, treatments, support, and all the medications you may take Be an active part of your care team and treatment plan. Ask questions no matter how dumb you feel. It’s been shown through a few studies that people who are more well-informed about their cancer and its reatment are more likely to follow their treatment plans and recover more quickly than those who are not.
Guilt
It may seem odd to you, but many people who’ve been diagnosed with a life-changing illness – such as cancer – feel a lot of guilt. Maybe it’s for upsetting your loved ones, or feeling like you’re a burden. You may be jealousy of the good health of others only to then feel guilty about it. Some people even feel guilty for the lifestyle choices that may – or may not – have led to cancer.This is completely common and may dissipate if you share them with someone else. Try to find and join a local or online support group.
Hope
With acceptance of cancer, many people feel a sense of hope, and for good reason! Millions of people walking around, living life every day have survived cancer. Every single day, your chances of living with and recovering from cancer are better than they’ve ever been. Plenty of people with cancer can lead still active lives, even during treatment.
Some doctors suggest that hope actually makes treatment go by a bit easier. Here’s how to keep some hope alive, no matter how scared you are:
Keep planning your life like you’ve always done
Unless you need to rest, don’t let cancer dictate how you live your life
Write down things that make you hopeful – a favorite holiday, flowers blooming
Spend time in nature. Nature is incredibly healing to be in, especially when you’ve got a lot on your mind
Reflect on your religious or spiritual beliefs.
Don’t dwell on the stories of those who have succumbed to cancer; focus on talking to those who have survived and thrived.
Loneliness
People with cancer often feel lonely or distant from others, just as others with chronic, life-changing diseases do. These may be some of the reasons for your loneliness:
Sometimes, friends and loved ones have a really hard time dealing with your cancer diagnosis and may avoid calling and visiting you.
You may be too sick to engage in the hobbies and activities you used to enjoy.
Sometimes, no matter how supportive your loved ones are, you may feel that no one understands what you’re going through.
It’s also normal to feel alone after treatment. You may miss the support you got from your health care team. Many people have a sense that their safety net has been pulled away, and they get less attention. It’s common to still feel cut off from loved ones. Some think that as treatment is over, you’ll be back to normal soon, even though this may not be true. Others may want to help but don’t know how.
Look for emotional support in different ways. It could help you to talk to other people who have cancer or to join a support group. Or, you may feel better talking only to a close friend or family member, or counselor, or a member of your faith or spiritual community. Do what feels right for you.
Overwhelmed
When you first learn that you have cancer, you may feel as things have gone completely out of control
You wonder if you’re going to live
Your life now revolves around doctor appointments, treatments, tests
You feel like you can’t do the things you enjoy.
You feel helpless and lonely.
Even if you feel out of control, there are ways you can take charge. It may help to learn as much as you can about your cancer. The more you know, the more in control you’ll feel. Ask your doctor questions and don’t be afraid to say when you don’t understand.
These feelings will pass.
For some people, it feels better to stay busy. If you have the energy, try taking part in activities such as music, crafts, reading, or learning something new.
Sadness and Depression
Many people with cancer feel sad. They feel a sense of loss of their health, and the life they had before they learned they had the disease. Even when you’re done with treatment, you may still feel sad. This is a normal response to any serious illness. It may take time to work through and accept all the changes that are taking place.When you’re sad, you may have very little energy, feel tired, or not want to eat. For some, these feelings go away or lessen over time. But for others, these emotions can become stronger. The painful feelings don’t get any better, and they get in the way of daily life. This may be a medical condition called depression. For some, cancer treatment may have added to this problem by changing the way the brain works.
Stress and Anxiety
Stress and anxiety are completely normal after diagnosis, during treatments, and after treatments. This doesn’t make you any less of a fighter. Anxiety means you have extra worry, can’t relax, and feel tense. You may notice that:
Increased heartrate
Headaches and muscle pains.
You may eat more, you may have no appetite
You feel sick to your stomach or have diarrhea.
You feel shaky, weak, or dizzy.
Tightness in the chest and throat
You sleep too much or too little.
You find it hard to concentrate.
If you have any of these feelings, talk to your doctor. Though they are common signs of stress, you will want to make sure they aren’t due to medicines or treatment.
Stress can keep your body from healing as well as it should.
If you’re worried about your stress, ask your doctor to suggest a counselor for you to talk to. You could also take a class that teaches ways to deal with stress. The key is to find ways to control your stress and not to let it control you.
Gratitude
Some people see their cancer as a “wake-up call,” and it helps them realize how important it is to relish every second we have. They take trips. Finish projects. Spend more time with friends and family. They mend broken relationships.
Maybe you don’t feel that way, but make an attempt to find any joy you can in your life. Watch the birds. Work in the garden. Explore new things. Enjoy all the parts of life we normally take for granted. Write out your feelings. Talk to your loved ones.
You can also do things that are more special to you, like being in nature or praying in a place that has meaning for you. Or, it could be playing a sport you love or cooking a good meal. Whatever you choose, embrace the things that bring you joy when you can.
Coping With Your Emotions:
Express Yourself
It sounds wild, but the more you express to others the strong feelings like anger, loneliness, and guilt, the more you can let go of them. Sort them out with a loved one, a support group, or a counselor. Remember that your loved ones may not have the answers, and that’s okay.If talking makes you uncomfortable, write them down. Do anything you can to get it out of your system.
People differ in the way they communicate their feelings, and in our society, women are generally better at this than men. Take stock of how well you express what you are feeling about your illness. If you feel that you are not doing well in this regard, we encourage you to do better. Many studies have shown that patients who express their emotions and concerns enjoy a better psychological adjustment than people who tend to suppress their feelings or keep quite about them.
Emotional expression is usually helpful because it gives you an outlet for your feelings, a means of working through them, and an opportunity to obtain better emotional support. It can be an enormous help just to know that your feelings are understood by others and seen as valid, but this requires open communication on your part. If you tend to keep your feelings to yourself, it is probably because you have learned to do so. (You were not born with this tendency.) Your earlier experience may have taught you that sharing your feelings led to negative consequences. Perhaps your emotions were not validated by others, or you were criticized for expressing them (Children are to be seen but not heard, Big boys don’t cry and so on). You may have felt that your emotional needs were an imposition on others, and that your role was to take care of the feelings and needs of others rather than expressing your own. It is not uncommon for cancer patients to hide their true feelings as a way of protecting their loved ones.
Some people do not express their emotions because they are not very adept at even paying attention to what they are feeling. They seldom stop and check in with themselves and try to identify the feelings and concerns that are weighing upon them. In this process, we learn that our emotions are important and valid and thus worthy of attention and expression.
As you probably know, cancer patients are consistently encouraged to keep a positive attitude. This can make you feel that there is something wrong or dangerous about your negative emotions (fear, sorrow, anger). Research suggests just the opposite: experiencing and expressing such emotions is psychologically and immunologically healthy.
Finally, timing is important. The period after your diagnosis, when you are learning about your illness and undergoing the initial work-up and treatments, may not be the right time for you to be taking stock of all your emotions. Your plate is already very full. You may need to put your emotions aside for a while as you attend to everything else. Moreover, it will benefit you most to express your emotions with the right people and when their support is available to you.
All You Need Is Positivity
Sometimes this means looking for the good even in a bad time or trying to be hopeful instead of thinking the worst. Try to use your energy to focus on wellness and what you can do now to stay as healthy as possible.
After facing the reality of your illness, it would be good to feel optimistic about the future course of events. Not surprisingly, people who are hopeful and optimistic show a better adjustment to their illness than people who are pessimistic. It is important, however, that your optimism be realistic; otherwise it represents denial or wishful thinking. In most cases, there is a solid and realistic basis for a certain degree of hope and optimism.
Most people tell themselves to be positive, but for many, this is easier said than done. There are several reasons for this, some of which may apply to you. Being optimistic means that you may feel lucky. However, you were unlucky enough to get cancer and may now feel that you are an unlucky person. You would not expect, therefore, that you would now enjoy the good fortune of a long remission or cure. You might feel just the opposite: that good luck is unlikely for you.
Optimism can also seem presumptuous: after all, other people with your diagnosis have not done well, and you might think, What right do I have to expect to recover? Your optimism could also make you feel that you were not worrying enough about your cancer–that is, that you were not giving cancer its due, that you were acting too boldly or confidently in the face of it, and that you were therefore asking for trouble, as if the cancer might come back to teach you a lesson. Finally, if your prognosis is more favorable than for other patients with your type of cancer, you may feel that it is not right to enjoy this good fortune or to take advantage of it (that is, by being optimistic and going on with your life in a positive and constructive manner). Despite these obstacles, you should try to feel as hopeful and optimistic as the medical realities of your case allows.
Facing the Reality of Your Illness
Everyone responds in different ways to their diagnosis, the initial medical work-up, subsequent test results and the implications of all that is happening to you. Many patients respond by confronting the full reality of their illness. They ask pointed and brave questions about the seriousness of their condition and the pros and cons of the various treatment options. They read up on these matters on their own. They react as if they are strongly motivated to know what they are facing. This way of coping has been found to promote their psychological adjustment.
Other patients react as if the realities confronting them are too much to deal with and they therefore retreat into a state of denial. It sometimes seems that a patient in denial is saying, in effect, I can’t cope with all this. Yet the denial is a way of coping. It protects the person from being overwhelmed. But it can also prevent a person from coming to terms with their illness and getting on with other constructive ways of coping. It is therefore associated with a poorer psychological adjustment.
Denial is often a positive coping strategy because it enables the patient to gradually face the reality of his or her illness, in a piecemeal manner, without feeling overwhelmed, and feeling more supported by loved ones. In our experience, patients seldom remain in denial; it fades away over time, as indeed it should, at least for the good of overall adjustment.
As you read this, you might ask yourself how much you really know about your cancer and your individual case. Are there any relevant questions that you haven’t ask? Have you avoided learning more about your illness by not reading about it? You might want to become more proactive in seeking information; the evidence indicates that this will help you.
Adopting a Participatory Stance
How much initiative do you take to actively participate in getting well? Some people tackle their cancer head-on. They have a strong fighting spirit, and they find ways of putting it into action. They go out of their way to learn about their illness and the options for treatment. They pursue the best treatments available and also consider alternative or holistic approaches. If you are like this, you would strongly agree with the statement A lot depends on what I do and how I take part.
Research has shown that patients who respond in this manner have less emotional distress than patients who respond in a more passive manner or try to avoid their situation.
People who adopt a participatory stance believe they can make a difference, and they put this belief into action. They therefore feel less helpless and vulnerable which is why their emotional state is better. This belief in yourself as an active and effective agent is called self-efficacy, and research has consistently documented its positive emotional effects.
People who are coping in this way usually ask their doctors about treatment options and alternative therapies that their doctors had not mentioned. Instead of only following what their doctors say, they come up with ideas of their own. Also, they usually embrace some ways of promoting their physical well-being that go beyond the normal recommendations. These include dietary changes, increased exercise, stress reduction, vitamins, herbs, yoga, acupuncture, meditation, prayer, guided imagery and others. These people often pursue new, experimental therapies that may offer additional hope. In all these ways, the person is actively participating in an effort to recover fully or (if that is not realistic) to maintain the best physical health possible.
In contrast to those who feel they have an active role to play, some people adopt a resigned, fatalistic attitude. One reason for this attitude is that it lets the person off the hook for any extra effort that could make a difference. We have heard patients say, What will be will be. The research on coping has consistently shown that this attitude is linked to a poorer psychological adjustment to one’s illness.
Don’t Blame Yourself for Your Cancer
It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. If needed, go ahead and say it into the mirror until you believe it.
Some people think that they got cancer due to something inside their control. However natural it feels to blame yourself, remember this: even cancer researchers don’t know why one person gets cancer and another does not.
Cancer can happen to anyone.
Proportion and Balance
Your emotional response should not only be one of optimism and hope. It is also appropriate and helpful for you to be upset and worried, at least to a certain degree. In most cases, the medical situation provides a basis for hope and a basis for worry. The statistics indicate a certain chance of survival, but also a certain chance of dying of cancer. Of course, the chance of survival and the risk of dying vary greatly from case to case.
Ideally, your emotional response would take both aspects into account: you would experience a degree of hope that was proportional to the positive survival chances that applied to you, but you would also experience a degree of worry that was proportional to the mortality rate in similar cases. That is, you would not feel overly worried, upset, or preoccupied, but neither would you feel overly cheerful, complacent or optimistic.
Alternatively, the nature and intensity of your positive emotions should be tempered by, or take into account, the possibility of death. If you are ignoring this possibility, then your optimism involves a denial or minimization of this threat; in the long run, this will not help you. It is better to acknowledge this threat and to work through the negative emotions that stem from it. In short, it is best if your positive and negative emotions balanced each other out such that you would be neither overreacting nor underreacting to the medical realities facing you.
A number of studies have found that patients who maintain this kind of mixed emotional response–well-proportioned to the realities of their illness and well-balanced–enjoy a better psychological adjustment than patients who feel too pessimistic or too optimistic. They feel that they are coping well with the uncertainty inherent in their medical condition, neither dwelling on nor denying their legitimate fears, and yet keeping their sights set on getting better. Again, all this is easier said than done.
Don’t Try to Be Upbeat If You’re Not
There’s no use for you to putting on a brave face. Most people see right through it, and as hard as we try to make others feel comfortable, just be honest. Give into those feelings and let them out.
You don’t have to be sunshine all the time.
Reach Out To Others:
The amount of support available to cancer patients varies across the country, and patients themselves differ in how much they tend to reach out and take advantage of the support. Those patients who have at least a few loved ones available for close emotional support and who call upon their support show a better psychological adjustment to cancer than patients who are largely alone or tend to go it alone in coping with their illness.
Reaching out for support often means just expressing your feelings and concerns to others–which, as we saw, can be a challenge for many patients. It can also mean that you ask your loved ones for the type of support you need most, and this requires that you first ask yourself what that support might consist of. You will probably identify ways that people can help you that have not occurred to them.
For example, family members and friends often assume that they should provide encouragement and stress the positive (this is sometimes called the cheerleading role). Patients generally appreciate the positive intent behind this, yet it can put a damper on patients sharing their fears or sorrows. Often, patients would rather hear that others understand how they feel, regard these emotions as valid and will stick with them regardless of what happens. You might need to tell people that. On a more concrete level, you might ask others to accompany you during a medical appointment, pick up the kids after school, look up information for you (the Internet is a wonderful resource for this) or prepare a nutritious meal for your family.
If you find that you are not reaching out for the support that is available, reflect on the reasons for your stoicism. You may be minimizing your own needs for support, perhaps because you pride yourself on being independent and self-sufficient. It may seem to you that others would be bothered by your need for support or help and resent your imposing on them. More often than not, this is an assumption based on earlier experience. Perhaps you have found in the past that it is best to rely on yourself. While you should continue to draw upon your own internal resources, you should also realize that other people can and want to assist you in meeting the challenges of your illness, and you should give them a try.
Obtaining support often means joining a support group, and research has shown that such groups help patients to cope with and adjust to their illness. Support group members find that they have a great deal to offer each other in the way of mutual support and encouragement, discussion of common problems and ways of coping, and sharing of medical information. Groups also offer a safe and supportive haven for confronting one’s fears. The American Cancer Society (http://www.cancer.org) office or hospitals specializing in cancer treatments in your community will know of support groups that you could join.
Only Talk About Cancer If YOU Feel Like It:
Well-meaning people may want to talk at great length about your cancer, compare it to their loved ones, and offer you different “cures” and advice. They don’t know any better. It can be hard for people to know how to talk to you about your cancer. Other people mean well, but they don’t know what to say or how to act. You can make them feel more at ease by asking them what they think or how they feel or simply tell them that you’re not into talking about cancer right now.
Finding a Positive Meaning
While the diagnosis and treatment of cancer is an awful experience in many respects, it can also be a challenge and even an opportunity for positive change. In response to their illness, many people step back and take stock of who they are and how they have been living. They reflect on their ultimate values and priorities, and often identify changes that are warranted (and perhaps overdue) in their lifestyle and personal relationships. This is often called the enlightenment or gift that comes with cancer, or the wake-up call aspect of cancer. People who embrace this aspect of their cancer experience have been found to be especially well adjusted and better able to deal with the many trials and disruptions caused by their illness.
It is often noted that growing old forces us to pay attention to what is important in life. The same can be said of a diagnosis of a life-threatening illness. What is important to a person often stems from their spiritual or religious beliefs. Even if you are not inclined toward spirituality, you probably have a basic philosophy of life and your life journey that highlights for you the importance of certain goals and values. These are important because of what they mean to your personal integrity and fulfillment.
To what degree does your lifestyle demonstrate these goals and values? This is a question for all of us, but it can become especially compelling if you are dealing with cancer. For many, illness inspires them to pay more attention to what matters most. This could mean spending more time with family and close friends, making a greater contribution to the causes you believe in, showing more appreciation for all that you have and are, bringing forth aspects of your personality that have been suppressed, taking better care of your physical and emotional needs and seeking to be more honest and true to yourself. In all these ways and in many more, your illness can become an impetus for positive change.
Sometimes the idea that there is a message or lesson in one’s cancer implies that the person needed to get cancer and perhaps even got it for that reason. This kind of self-blame is completely unwarranted, and it fosters feelings of guilt and depression. A more psychologically healthy response was voiced by one of our patients when she said: “It’s too bad that it took cancer to make me see things a bit more clearly, but you know, some positive things have come out of it for me.”
Relax
Whatever activity helps you unwind, you should do it. Meditation, guided imagery, relaxation exercises, taking a bath, and taking a nice walk are just a few ways that have been shown to help others; these may help you relax when you feel worried.
Spirituality, Faith and Prayer
Most people in our society have some fundamental spiritual beliefs, and these beliefs can be called upon for help in dealing with cancer. Patients who do so benefit in a variety of ways: they have a greater sense of peace, an inner strength and an ability to cope, and show an improved psychological adjustment and quality of life. These benefits derive especially from the perspective offered by your religious faith or spirituality and from the power of prayer and religious ritual.
All of us, whether we have cancer or not, are challenged at some point with the question of how to respond to our vulnerability to disease, suffering, and death. For some, these realities lead to a kind of existential despair. Others embrace a perspective that goes beyond these realities, or that penetrates more deeply into them, to find meaning and value that transcends their individual existence or plight. This is the perspective offered, in one form or another, by the world’s religious and spiritual traditions.
This perspective can help with the Why me? question. It is difficult to reconcile how an almighty, loving and just God could allow cancer to happen to a good person. Patients often believe that the illness is a punishment. In our culture, we often assume that what happens to a person is somehow linked to what the person deserves.
The emotional turmoil and doubt that stem from these issues can be soothed by themes of consolation and forgiveness that permeate the world’s major religions. In the Judeo-Christian tradition, it is emphasized that God is with us in our suffering, providing the grace we need to endure rather than doling out suffering to those who deserve it.
Through prayer and liturgy, patients are able to connect to the core of their faith and to their religious community and derive the solace and fortitude they need to cope with their illness. Prayer can also have healing effects–most certainly in healing one’s soul, but perhaps also in healing the body.
Get Out There:
Sometimes, getting out of your environment at home can give you some life. Try anything – take a drive, go grab a cup of coffee, visit a friend, are all things you can do to help you from feelings of crawling the walls.
Maintaining Self-esteem
There are many ways that the experience of cancer can harm a person’s self-esteem. One of these is the stigma of having cancer–that is, that it can imply something bad about the person who has it. In addition, many of the sources of your self-esteem can be threatened by cancer and the effects of medical treatments: your appearance, your physical abilities and activity level, personal attributes (such as being healthy and independent) and your role and identity within your family or in your work life. One of our breast cancer patients lamented: “I used to take pride in how I looked, and in being a good mother and working, helping to support the family. Now look at me.”
These threats to your self-esteem pose a danger and an opportunity. The danger is depression and, with that, the weakening of the will to live and the resilience you need. The opportunity lies in finding additional sources of self-esteem within yourself. For example, you might take pride in the way you are coping with your illness. You might have a new appreciation for how much you are loved–not because of what you do or how you look but because of who you are. Perhaps it has been difficult for you to depend on others because your independence has been overly important; you might now take pride in your ability to express your needs and ask for help. Perhaps your spirituality has been deepened by your cancer experience, and this can also help to renew your self-esteem. The overall emotional well-being of patients is enhanced when they discover or develop new sources for positive self-regard.
You can also protect your self-esteem by maintaining your normal activities and roles as much as possible. Your illness does not suddenly define you as a cancer patient, as if that is your new identity. Patients who continue to do the things that are important to them, to the extent possible, enjoy a better psychological adjustment than those who too quickly abandon these roles and activities or expect too little of themselves because they have cancer. One study specifically noted that patients need to deal with the cancer but also to keep it in its place.
What Do You Enjoy?
Most people do have activities they once – and/or still – enjoy. Why not try to do some? Getting creative, writing your story, these are all ways you can feel productive, even when you’re not feeling well.
You Can’t Control It All
Like addicts and others with chronic illnesses, you can’t control it all. Period. However, putting your life in order may really help you feel as though you’ve achieved something. Work on being involved with your care, keep appointments, and make changes in your life to make you healthier. Sometimes, people find that making – and keeping – a daily schedule keeps them sane. Of course, you can’t control all of your feelings and thoughts, but try not to dwell on the bad ones – and enjoy the positives where you can.
Coming to Terms with Mortality
It may seem that a major challenge when dealing with cancer is to fight against the possibility of death rather than work on coming to terms with it. Certainly the philosophy and technology of modern medicine are preoccupied with this fight. The practitioners of alternative therapies also stress their healing potential. From all quarters, cancer patients hear that they must maintain hope, keep a positive attitude and try not to give up.
It seems that everything revolves around getting better. And yet many patients die of cancer, and even those who do not are living with the possibility that they might. Very little support is offered to people coming to terms with this possibility and reaching some sense of peace about it, and not feeling that it is a failure and outrage to die.
We are not saying that you should accept the possibility of dying, and therefore not rail against it and do all you can to prevent it. Nor are we suggesting that if your cancer progresses, and death seems inevitable, that you should accept it then. Facing death is profoundly personal, and inherently difficult: our survival instinct runs counter to it. The loss of life and everything that entails seems unbearable, and for most of us dying is almost too dreadful to think about. But it is possible to come to terms with death. And patients who do, enjoy the peace that acceptance brings.
The majority of newly diagnosed people have a favorable prognosis. You might think that it would be better to confront death when the time comes. But even now, you are facing the possibility of dying of cancer and striving to prevent or delay it. This fight for your life is bound to be filled with fear, desperation and inner anguish if you are not also striving, in your own way, to come to terms with this possibility. This does not mean that you dwell on it; it means that you deal with it and then go on. It is always wise to review your personal and financial affairs. Having done so, you will be all the better at living in the fullness of life, one day at a time, rather than in the dread of what could possibly happen.
The work of coming to terms with death can draw on our religious, spiritual or philosophical beliefs about what is important in life, and why. These beliefs can provide meaning and purpose to life, and therefore consolation when facing death. Many people have been able to feel, and to know, that their life has been about something important and of lasting value. This is one of the major ways that our religion or spirituality can help us.
We have found that most of our patients are struggling with these issues and longing for a sense of peace, but they are forced to do so quietly because they have so little support for this important inner work. Many patients abandon this effort, and come to feel hopeless about it. We encourage you to go forward, through reflection and reading in the religious or spiritual traditions that appeal to you. One book that many people have found helpful is The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche.
How To Cope If You’ve Been Diagnosed With Cancer:
When you learn you have cancer, you may feel like your life has been turned upside down. Once the shock wears off, the process of making changes begins. You may have to rearrange things in your life as you start treatment. The symptoms and side effects may take a toll on both your body and your emotions. You may have to learn new ways of talking to your loved ones and to your health care team. And you probably have a lot of questions to ask about adjusting to all the new issues that cancer brings.
Learning that you have cancer is frightening – you may feel anxious, depressed, terrified, and overwhelmed. Here are some tips for coping with a cancer diagnosis.
Get the facts about your diagnosis – ask your doctor specific questions and write down the answers. If it’s overwhelming, have a friend or family member do so.
Maintain your normal lifestyle – but be open to changing things around if necessary.
Maintain lines of communication between your doctor, your friends, and your loved ones. A cancer diagnosis is particularly isolating, and this is the time to let people in and let them help. They want to help.
Look into your goals and priorities and find time to do those that are most important to you.
Try to anticipate any physical changes. After a diagnosis is the time to learn more about the physical changes that may occur with cancer and cancer treatment. Ask your doctor about any changes you should anticipate. Pick up some wigs, makeup, and any other items that may make the transition easier on you.
Stay healthy – eat a healthy diet, exercise as best as you can, and get enough rest; this can help combat some of the stress of treatment.
Let people help you. Now is not the time to be proud and put up a strong front – let people in. They want to help. Encourage that. Come up with specific items or areas where you need assistance and ask your friends and loved ones to help with these things.
Talk to others who have been diagnosed with cancer. If you have cancer, sometimes it feels like no one else understands you. Those who have cancer do. Seek out support groups on the Internet or find a local support group.
Figure out how to cope. Your coping mechanisms may not be the same as others, but there will be things that you can do to cope with your diagnosis and illness.
Check into insurance options (if you’re in the US). You may feel trapped at a particular job for fear that you will be denied new insurance. Find out any assistance your state may offer, check into the FMLA Act and the Americans With Disabilities Act – and if you qualify.
How To Help A Friend With Cancer:
Many people going through cancer treatments – or treatments for other chronic illnesses – find asking for help challenging. Instead of waiting to be asked, offer your friend specific ways you can help. It’s up to him or her to decline your offers.
If you have no idea what to help with, ask your friend or their family.
Register to be a bone marrow donor. Even if it’s not something that can help your friend specifically, you are giving the gift of life.
Try not to let your friend’s condition get in the way of your relationship. Treat them just as you always have.
Make sure to provide your friend space, but offer visits whenever they would like.
If you are able to, make space for their uncomfortable feelings. Let them talk about how scared they are (without jumping in to reassure them), or how mad they are (without jumping in to cheer them up), or how frustrating, invasive, unfair this is (without trying to redirect them into “positive” thoughts).
Be supportive if they need more than you can give and if they turn to therapy, a support group, a pastor, etc.
Make sure any plans that are made are easily changeable – just in case something pops up.
Make sure that you can make some plans for the future too – this gives your friend something to look forward to.
Do your best to follow through with any commitments you make. If you promise to pick up groceries or watch their children, do it.
Allow your friend to be sad. Yes, it’s uncomfortable, but these feelings are expected and allowed. Make sure your friend knows that you can hear the hard stuff, too.
Check in once a week via phone or email. Let your friend know he or she doesn’t have to answer the phone if he or she does not want to. Sometimes that level of contact is simply too much.
Be sure to write, too. Some days, when the treatments are too exhausting, your friend may not want to talk on the phone. Instead, postcards, emails, even text messages will be read and reread, lovingly, by your sick friend.
Rotate your visits to the hospital. Your friend needs to rest just as much as he or she needs to see you, so make sure to visit in shifts so as not to overwhelm your friend.
Talk to your friend about non-cancer related topics. Sometimes your friend needs a break from talking about cancer.
Make sure to include the family of the person with cancer – often, they are so overwhelmed by care-giving responsibilities that they do not take proper time and care of themselves.
What Are Some Practical Ways To Help A Friend With Cancer?
Practical help is often very valuable for a friend with cancer. Your friend’s needs will change often due to treatment time-frames, symptoms, side effects, energy, and ability to concentrate. Be creative and flexible in the practical help you offer. These are some suggestions for practical help:
Help with house chores – take out the garbage, help out with pets, clean up, help with laundry, bring in the mail, do any gardening.
Make dinner or bring some takeout and watch movies.
Help babysit children, offer to chauffeur them around town and arrange for play-dates.
Put together a phone chain or support team to check in with the friend frequently.
Offer to drive your friend to a support group – and join! Friends and family are always welcome.
Offer to go with and take notes at a doctor’s appointment.
Keep your friend company during a treatment session.
Coordinate transportation to treatments. Work with your friend, their family, and their other friends to take turns driving your friend to and from treatments.
Offer to help sorting through medical bills and insurance claims. Those piles of paperwork can be massive.
Offer specific help – “can I bring over dinner tonight?” rather than “let me know if you need me.”
What Do I Say To Someone With Cancer?
Sometimes, it’s hard to know what to say to a friend with cancer. You’re afraid of stepping on land mines, toes, or making your friend feel worse. Here are some things you can say:
“I’m really sorry this happened to you.”
“I’m here if you want to talk.”
“I care very much about you.”
“How can I help?”
What Are Some Gift Ideas for a Friend With Cancer?
It’s a nice idea to pick up some gifts for a friend with cancer – huge mood-brightener. But…what to buy?
Gift cards for a Kindle/iPad or other eReader.
Gift cards for music for an mp3 player.
Makeup, jewelry and other beauty items.
Crossword or other books of puzzles.
Money for a housecleaning service.
Gift certificates to a spa, for a massage, restaurants, passes to local museums.
Pajamas or a robe.
How NOT To Help a Friend With Cancer:
The worst thing you can do is nothing at all. Every cancer survivor knows at least one person, who, upon hearing the news, disappeared forever. Your friend will never forget if you’re the one who does that.
Don’t say, “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” It implies that God had a role in the development of cancer and may make your friend feel as though he or she is being punished.
Avoid comparisons. Just because your best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s girlfriend had cancer, followed THIS diet, and was cured doesn’t mean your friend will.
Send mylar – not latex – balloons to the hospital. Many people are allergic to the latex in balloons, so they may not be allowed on the floor.
Call and check with the hospital to see what their policy is about sending flowers. As cancer suppresses the immune system, anything that has the potential to cause an allergic reaction should be avoided.
Don’t visit your friend if you’re feeling even a tiny bit sick – people with cancer have suppressed (weakened) immune systems and should not be exposed unnecessarily to germs.
Don’t take it personally if your friend doesn’t want to talk. Sometimes, it’s too overwhelming for your friend to even pick up the phone.
Don’t give medical advice. You’re not a doctor and you’re certainly not familiar enough with your friend’s illness to be making medical calls.
Don’t give advice about how to change their lifestyle and diet. They may already be struggling with completing their normal routine.
Don’t make statements that may imply that your friend has caused their cancer in any way – don’t ask about smoking history, exposure to toxic chemicals – what matters is the NOW, not the before.
Don’t bother touting the latest miracle cure. No one wants to hear it.
Don’t tell them to “chin up” or “cheer up.” They are entitled to their feelings, which may or may not be comfortable for you.
Platitudes are bullshit. Don’t use ’em.
Don’t tell horror stories about people you’ve known who had cancer and died from it.
What NOT To Say When A Friend Has Cancer:
It’s easy to want to express trite platitudes when someone you love has cancer. It’s also extremely challenging to know what to say and what NOT to say. Here are some things not to say to a friend with cancer:
“I know JUST how you feel.” (No, you don’t.)
“I feel helpless.” (Imagine how your friend feels.)
“You need to talk about it.” (Your friend will talk when he or she is ready.)
“Here! This is what you should do. I heard about it on Oprah.” (You don’t know your friend’s illness better than your friend.)
“I don’t know how you’re managing it all. I’d die if it were me.” (Thoughtless!)
“You’re going to be fine.” (You do not know that.)
“How much time do you have?” (Morbid!)
If you have any more tips about how to cope when a loved one has cancer, please send it to bandbacktogether@gmail.com!
When you know that someone that love dearly is suffering from depression, it’s hard to know how to help, or if you should even bother trying. Your support and encouragement, hard as it may be to provide, is incredibly important to helping your loved one with depression.
While sadness is a normal part of the human experience – we all feel sad some of the time as a natural result of grief, loss, isolation, loneliness, or other psychologically painful life events. Sadness is natural. However, when sadness becomes more than feeling blue for a lot longer, it can become Major Depressive Disorder (MDD).
Major Depressive Disorder (also known as recurrent depressive disorder, clinical depression, or unipolar depression) is a form of depression that is characterized by an all-encompassing depressed mood and/or decreased interest in pleasurable activities nearly every day for at least two weeks. Visit here to read more about Major Depressive Disorder.
A word of caution: depression can easily wear you down if you don’t tend to your own needs. And if you’re worn down, you will be of no help to your loved one. Here are some tips for helping a loved one with depression.
Coping When You Are Depressed:
Depression drains your energy, hope, and drive, making it difficult to take the steps that will help you to feel better. But while overcoming depression isn’t quick or easy, it’s far from impossible. You can’t just will yourself to “snap out of it,” but you do have more control than you realize—even if your depression is severe and stubbornly persistent. The key is to start small and build from there. Feeling better takes time, but you can get there by making positive choices for yourself each day.
Dealing with depression requires action, but taking action when you’re depressed can be hard. Sometimes, just thinking about the things you should do to feel better, like exercising or spending time with friends, can seem exhausting or impossible to put into action.
It’s the Catch-22 of depression recovery: The things that help the most are the things that are the most difficult to do. There is a big difference, however, between something that’s difficult and something that’s impossible. You may not have much energy, but by drawing on all your reserves, you should have enough to take a walk around the block or pick up the phone to call a loved one.
Taking the first step is always the hardest. But going for a walk or getting up and dancing to your favorite music, for example, is something you can do right now. And it can substantially boost your mood and energy for several hours—long enough to put a second recovery step into action, such as preparing a mood-boosting meal or arranging to meet an old friend. By taking the following small but positive steps day by day, you’ll soon soon lift the heavy fog of depression and find yourself feeling happier, healthier, and more hopeful again.
If you’re dealing with major depression, helping yourself may feel like a gigantic, insurmountable feat. When getting out of bed in the morning is a victory, you know it’s time to get some real help for your depression . . . but how?
Here are some tips for helping yourself if you have major depression.
Do not wait until your depression is “bad enough” to seek help. The longer you wait, the more agony you’re putting yourself through. Any depression is bad enough to seek help. If you don’t know where to find help, start with your general doctor, or the campus health or counseling center. They should be able to help you get to the right place.
Set small realistic goals for yourself, and when you meet them, celebrate.
Break down big tasks into smaller, bite-sized ones that can be completed more easily. That will help to see how you can best manage your priorities.
Try (this may sound ridiculously hard) to get active. Exercise. The chemicals you release when you work out can really boost your mood.
Try for 8 hours of sleep a night. Depression usually comes with sleep issues (too much or too little) which can make your mood suffer. Try to get a better night’s sleep more consistently.
Get some sunlight and fresh air every day.
Reduce stress. No matter how you do it, let some of it go. Stress can impede depression treatment and actually TRIGGER depression. Find what works for you and do it.
Even if it sounds like a horrible idea, try to set aside some time for activities you used to like. Go to a movie with friends. Go out to dinner. Do something.
Don’t isolate yourself (even though it’s really tempting). Let people in and let people you trust know that you are struggling.
Let other people help you. You may have to ask for the help, but know that it is not the burden you feel it is. That’s the depression talking.
The depression has some really nasty things to say sometimes. Try and tune that mean voice out and remember that you are worth it. You really are.
Soon, those awful, mean thoughts will be replaced by more positive thoughts. So keep holding on.
Challenge those nasty thoughts (negative thoughts) with this: “would you say these things to a friend?”
Allow for imperfections. You’re not perfect. I’m not perfect. NO ONE is perfect.
Find some positive people to be around. Positivity can do a lot to improve your outlook on life.
Just like treatment for diabetes or liver disease, your symptoms will not improve overnight. Getting help does not mean that you are cured instantly.
Boost B-vitamin consumption while minimizing sugar and refined carbohydrates. Complex carbs are okay.
Don’t make any important decisions (getting married, having a baby, having another baby, moving across the country) while the depression has its teeth in you. Wait until you are feeling better, calmer, and can discuss the ideas with a loved one.
Educate yourself. Learn all that you can. Find things that work for you. Don’t be discouraged if what works for your friend doesn’t help you. Depression is unique.
Find a support group. Support groups are great places to feel less alone, less like a freak, and learn new and better coping mechanisms.
Write it out. For us, at Band Back Together, or for yourself.
We are NONE of us alone – even if we feel that way sometimes.
Helping A Loved One With Depression:
There’s a great deal of information available about depression. But loving and living with a depressed person can be painfully difficult. Anti-depressants are the number-one prescribed medication in this country; but they, unfortunately, are not a complete and total cure. Many with depression continue to suffer, or at least have periods of symptoms. This clearly affects those who love them.
It can be especially difficult when the depressed person is your child or a partner. Many parents feel they must rescue even their adult children from these issues. Most people feel helpless when you live with a depressed individual. It may not be healthy to feel it is one’s duty to “rescue” their partner, and certainly not to take responsibility for his or her feelings. This does happen often in relationships.
For men with depressed partners, feeling helpless is especially common. Generally, men are fixers: when they hear of a problem, their reaction is to fix it. But depression is not so easily fixed, therefore the result is helplessness and frustration. This can complicate the helping process.
Difficulties abound when living with a depressed partner. Because of symptoms like apathy, a partner’s needs may not be met. In a relationship, each partner will make attempts to feel love from their partner. These attempts may be thwarted by apathy from the depressive, leaving the partner feeling disconnected. Anhedonia can also contribute to a lack of sex drive, which can further complicate this problem. The end result: The partner feels his or her relationship needs are not important.
Not only might the parent or partner feel helpless in regard to alleviating the loved one’s depression, he might feel as if he is a contributor. In fact, because of of distorted thinking, the depressed individual might believe their loved one is a contributor. But even when that is not the case, the parent or partner may experience an internal battle over what to say or not to say. In the case in the previous paragraph, a partner may not express his or her feelings of neglect, fearing they will contribute to the depressed mood of the other. This can further both issues: feeling neglected and feeling like a contributor to the depression.
When you learn that your loved one is suffering from this very real mental illness, it can be overwhelming. What do you do? How do you do it? What if this makes the depression worse?
Many who live with a depressed person struggle with whether they are being supportive or enabling. Some believe “tough love” is what is needed. Being supportive and loving may appear to allow the depressed individual to remain stagnant. Pushing too much can lead to conflict and further withdrawal.
Coping with a loved one’s depression may seem like a hopeless situation. Still, there are still things that can be done:
Research depression, and what might be helpful. There are a number of things that are helpful for depression: exercise, meditation, 20 minutes of daily unblocked sunlight, medication, dietary changes, as well as a number of natural remedies. More than just suggesting what can help, the loved one can engage in the new behavior.
One of the most common questions asked is what you can DO to manage your own feelings and to help your loved one, who is struggling with depression.
BE THERE for your loved one, no matter what. Often depression makes a person feel isolated and alone, and because it can be frustrating for friends and families, they may feel abandoned. This may be as simple as sitting with someone, stopping by to check in, making a phone call, or running an errand.
Explain depression to children. Children are extremely intuitive and will notice if something is off or not quite right. Explaining to a child that someone is sad helps the child understand his or her own feelings, as well as the feelings of someone who is depressed.
Engage the depressed person in activities. While it is often difficult to find motivation through depression, making opportunities available and finding ways to encourage a depressed person to engage often helps that person reconnect with joy-bringing activities. Invite the person to hang out, go for a walk, watch a movie, eat a meal, or any other activities you do together.
Start small. Depression is very much a one-step-at-a-time disorder. Small steps may be easier to attain small goals and activities to build momentum. Inviting someone suffering from depression to a 200-person block party may not be the best way to engage a depressed person. Start small, such as going out to coffee or spending time together.
Balance diet, exercise, and medication. One of the best stress reducers and boosts in endorphins comes from exercise. Go for a walk, make or have regular meals, and remind the depressed person to regularly take medications.
TALK to the depressed person. Sometimes the best medicine is a place for the person to vent. They may not be looking for solutions, rather a safe space to worry.
Normalize feelings. It is okay for someone to feel sad, lonely, angry, depressed…even if that person feels ashamed about how he or she feels.
Be honest with the person about how they act and how their actions impact you and other people.
Take time for yourself. Depression can be overwhelming and difficult to deal with, and you need to make sure you take care of yourself as well.
Let them tell you how they feel. As a family member or friend, you may become frustrated, angry, or irritated at someone who is depressed. You may believe that he or she should snap out of it or get over it. You may feel that your or another’s situation is worse. While it is important to recognize these feelings, it is also important to allow the other person a chance to explain his or her perception or experience with depression. He or she may be able to explain what he or she has been feeling and how the depression is affecting those around him or her. Be open-minded and receptive.
Remember depression is a difficult disorder that impacts everyone close to a family member or friend. It is okay to feel sad, lonely, angry, frustrated, or a variety of other feelings. Acknowledge them and find how you can best help your loved one and you.
Take care of yourself. Whenever someone is dealing with a loved one that has mental illness, it is imperative to engage in or continue self-care. It is possible to balance your needs with your partner’s. Exercise. Do enjoyable things whether your loved one will do it with you or not. Do not allow the depression to darken the entire universe you live in.
Learn about depression and how to talk about depression with your family member. There are numerous places online that you can learn more about what’s helpful and not helpful for your loved one.
Be supportive. Cognitive distortions as well as the lethargy involved in depression lead to negative perceptions and irritability. It is often difficult not to be affected by this, especially if there is anger directed at you. However, it is important to follow this; don’t take anything personally.
It is important to remember that much of what is being directed at you is a result of depression and distortions in perception and thinking and not your fault. The ability to look at situations in a detached and objective way is at the heart of Eastern thought and psychological growth.
Compassionate detachment is being able to empathize and feel compassion for another, while not getting drawn into their perception of reality. You do what you can, without attaching expectation to it.
Being supportive also includes, in moderation, gently pushing your loved one to do what is good for him or her. This includes invitations to join in activities, and attempts to get the depressed person involved in exercise or some of the above suggestions demonstrated to help with depression.
Remember that depression is a serious condition – it can drain optimism, energy, and motivation from your loved one.
Depression, like other medical problems, is not something that can be “snapped out of.”
Remember that being a compassionate listener to your depressed friend is far more important than giving advice.
Encourage your loved one to talk about his or her feelings – and listen without judgment.
Depressed people tend to withdraw from others, so a single conversation about the depression isn’t the end of it. You may have to express your concerns and willingness to listen many times. Do so gently, but persistently.
Start a conversation by saying “I’ve been concerned about you,” “You seem down lately,” or “You’ve been acting differently, are you okay?”
If you don’t know how to help, go ahead and express this to your loved one.
Often, being supportive means offering encouraging words and hope for the future, not spewing advice.
Even though you can’t control someone’s recovery from depression, you can help with their treatment. Encourage your friend to seek help. Your depressed loved one may resist treatment as depression saps both motivation and the feelings that things will ever improve. In this way, encouraging your friend to seek treatment for depression may be challenging.
You can offer to help your friend seek treatment for depression by suggestion a visit to a general practitioner – not a psychiatrist. This may help rule out medical causes for depression.
Offer to help your depressed friend find a doctor or therapist. Promise to go with them for their first visit.
Help your depressed loved one make an extensive list of symptoms to take with them to the doctor.
Help with the treatment of depression in your loved one by researching treatment options, ensuring they go to their appointments, and stay on schedule with treatment plans.
Help to create a low-stress environment for your friend. It can be very challenging while you are depressed to become organized and develop and maintain a routine. Ask your friend if you can help with very specific tasks.
Keep all expectations realistic – it’s really frustrating to watch a depressed loved one struggle if progress is slow.
Be patient – even with proper treatment, depression recovery doesn’t happen overnight.
Encourage your depressed loved one. Sometimes, the very act of getting out of bed on a bad morning can be a huge accomplishment. Tell your friend so.
Encourage your friend to stick with treatments for depression, even if they are not working right away. Know that depression treatment takes time.
Understand that there is an increased risk of suicide among depressed people. Know that at some point, your friend with depression may or may not have suicidal thoughts.
Learn about the signs of suicide – the link will explain signs of suicide and how to handle them more thoroughly – and look for them in your friend. These may include talking about suicide, being preoccupied with suicide, dying or violence, or increased risky behaviors.
If you are concerned that suicide is a possibility, talk to your loved one. Then seek help. Call the suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255 to talk to a trained counselor who can advise you on how best to handle your suicidal loved one. Do NOT leave a suicidal person. Call 911 for any emergencies.
Things to Say To A Depressed Person:
“You’re not alone. I’m here with you.”
“You may not think so, but the way you’re feeling will change.”
“Maybe I don’t understand completely how you feel, but I want to help.”
“If you feel like you want to give up, hold on for one more minute – whatever you can manage.”
“You’re important to me – your life is important to me.”
“Tell me how I can help.”
How NOT To Help A Loved One With Depression:
While helping a loved one who is suffering depression, remember that self-care is incredibly important. Without taking care of yourself, you may become overwhelmed and be unable to properly help your friend.
Don’t take it personally if your loved one lashes out at you. Sometimes, people with depression say awful, angry things that may hurt you deeply. Remember that’s the depression – not your loved one – talking.
You cannot hide the problem. If your loved one has depression, don’t be an enabler. Don’t make excuses, cover up the depression, or lie for a loved one with depression. This may actually keep the depressed person from seeking proper treatment.
Don’t think that you can fix a loved one’s depression. It’s not your problem and it’s not up to you to take care of.
Remember, you’re not to blame for the depression nor are you responsible for your loved one’s happiness.
Things NOT To Say To A Depressed Person:
“It’s all in your head.”
“We’ve all felt this way.”
“Look on the bright side.”
“Why would you want to die? Your life is great.”
“I can’t help you.”
“Snap out of it!”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Shouldn’t you be better by now?”
“You have to take care of yourself for your kids!”
“You are so blessed – how could you be feeling this way?”
“Count your blessings.”
“Suck it up.”
Have any other suggestions or tips for how to help someone who is depressed? Email bandbacktogether@gmail.com.
There is a picture of me, somewhere out there, probably still on my dad’s phone unless they’ve turned into Christmas Card people, in which case, the picture is most definitely out there in the world for all to see.