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I’ve been thinking and thinking about this. This time of year everyone is making their thankful lists. Generally at the top of the list is “Family and Friends.” They are always at the top of mine. Except this year, a piece of my family, a piece of me, is not with us. I will never, ever be able to express how thankful I am that Graysen came into my life. There is nothing I am more grateful for.

It is just very hard to balance the thankfulness for the love I have for this little warrior and the fact that she is not here.

I’m just going to say it …it’s hard to be thankful this year. I’m not saying it’s impossible. I’m just saying that it could be so easy to give in, to embrace my pain and my rage, to wallow in jealousy and negativity.

Some days it feels like these ugly emotions are like drugs. They provide an escape from my journey to stay positive, hopeful, loving, and kind. They are an easy escape from reality because when one is deep in these feelings, the outside world ceases to exist. It’s an odd realization that my ongoing internal pain and grief hurts less than my struggles in the real world. My internal thoughts are familiar although painful. The outside world is the unpredictable, sobering, and therefore fear inducing.

The negative emotions are free, they take no effort to bring on, and they have no expectations. They also don’t know when its time to leave.

To rid myself of them, I am forced to look at them honestly, take them head on, and then use every fiber of my being to convince myself that there is an alternative. That there is a future full of positive emotion and experience.

Positive emotions are earned. The spoils from my battle with ugly emotions include happiness, contentment, and peacefulness.

I just have to work for it, if I want it. It’s not going to come easily, and it will involve an epic battle to fend off negativity.

Trust me, I WANT to work for it. I have had moments, even entire days full of positive emotion and experience. When this happens, I want to stop time and bathe in the feelings and cling to them and stockpile them away as ammunition against darker times.  This is truly a war I’m waging against myself. I want both sides to emerge victorious.

Last year we were happily preparing for our first family Thanksgiving and Graysen’s baptism. I was so honored to have so many family and friends in town for that beautiful week of celebration. Brock and I relished every single day with our Little Warrior, and these days were no different. Graysen was placed in the arms of pretty much every guest at our party for her. As each loved one had their turn, we truly felt the love of every person in that room spreading out to her, giving her strength, and teaching her what love feels like.

This year I’m fighting to remind myself what that kind of love feels like. The strength that that feeling can bring to a family. I’ve dug in and those of you who know me know that once that happens, I am unwavering in my resolve. We have been lucky to be surrounded by family and friends who are showering us with that kind of love. Every kind word, hug, look, and smile in our direction gives us that much more desire to fight.

I wish everyone peace, love, and kindness this Thanksgiving. I am thankful. Thankful that I am able to offer kind wishes to others, that I have the strength to honor the efforts of myself, Brock, and our family and friends. I am thankful that I continue to want to fight, to live a meaningful life, and support those around me.  I am thankful for those who model strength and resilience. Who continue to  mentor and counsel my family. We have all been doing such hard work and the holidays are exhausting when such work is required.

Remember that many more people than you think are putting on a brave face and may look peaceful, but are battling just like I am. Smiles, kind gestures, and compassion are the greatest gifts for both the giver and the receiver.

I just can’t say it enough …I am thankful for Graysen’s love. I feel her sending it to me everyday. The warmth starts deep inside my heart and extends out to every part of my being. She protects me with a suit of armor against the cold reality.

I am a warrior.

18 Today

my son turned 18 today.

he can: buy lottery tickets, get a tattoo, buy cigarettes, visit a strip club, vote, sign up for the draft, stay out until all hours, buy alcohol (well, not here but many places), gamble (again, certain states).

he is no longer a boy, but a man.

he can leave me.

How Karma Actually Works

It would be really great if all of us stopped telling other people that we hope Karma catches up with them. Do not get me wrong, I am not saying you have no right to feel how you feel. However, the road to healing is not an easy one. When we choose to breathe the words “I can’t wait until Karma catches up with you” is sort of like saying that you cannot wait to find out what it is like to be that person. I will explain.

Our Grand Universe is comprised of nothing more than Ethereal Energy. We are also made of this same energy. No matter what we want to believe, ultimately, we are who is in charge of our own lives.

Lanakila, one of my most favorite teachers of all things Spirit, told me that I had to think of my words, whether written, spoken, or even thought about, as carriers for energy. When we speak, we are not really aware that we are doing so with emotions and feelings which are energizing those words.

Think about the last time you had road rage. Your angry, raging energies affected the whole situation. The other person may have had no idea what was going on – all they knew was that they did something to piss off a total stranger. Whenever there is a dearth of emotions, there is a guarantee that SOMEONE in that emotional stew is going to have to bear the brunt-end of things.

Our memories have energy tied to them. You can take the memory of a time when someone really hurt you, and you can actually change the energetic vibration of that memory. Unless you are aware of what the reality of Karma is, you cannot turn the energy to flow in a different, friendlier direction. When we change our own energy, we change the energy of Karma.

It is not easy trying to think another way. I know this one personally. However, when we even try, the Universe responds quickly. When we change our way of thinking, it subconciously takes away the power of the creeps who have hurt us.

By simply just being neutral, or even happy, that is what stops your Karma from happening, almost immediately. It literally shuts down that ugly energy within us, meaning that the ugly Karma energy cannot reach the morons who did whatever they did.

My greatest experiences in healing from my own crap was when I chose to not wreck my own Karma further. I chose NOT to go through stuff that other people went through, just because I was hurt and I wanted them to hurt as badly. Believe me – no matter what anyone of us wants to believe, the creeps who hurt people are already creating a Karma debt that WILL BE paid, if not in this lifetime, then in the next. The reality is that no Karmic debt EVER goes unpaid, no matter what.

When I chose to no longer suffer in the energies that they so happily, vengefully sent my way is when my own Karma was cleared. When I chose to “cut the cords” and no longer attach myself to negative people, I stopped them from siphoning all of my good energy away from me. There is still is a lot of personal soul work on myself that I have to do, but I literally made it so that the ugly energies they’d sent to me went right back to them. That is the nature of energy. It seeks out and ultimately finds that which is like it, that which matches it, and that which it can grow from.

Karmic energy is circular, literally meaning, what comes around, goes around, be it good or not. When you are feeling spiteful about the people who were bad to you, try hard to stop yourself. The idiots who have hurt us should never be allowed to have any kind of control over us or our lives.

When we prove things, it is like we are opening up for our abusers to take control again, because the very need to prove them wrong is a measure of control. When we fight back and defend, even though it is good that we do, we give our abusers the control that they are looking for. This is what causes the back and forth of the fighting and the arguing that ultimately ends up with our being hurt. The reality is that people who hurt have a hard time hurting others. It is not in our nature.

Karma tells us that what we put others through, no matter what, we will also go through. When we tell people that we want them to suffer, we will suffer in the same magnitude that we wished on them. When we remain neutral and do not allow our feelings to become the thing that we focus on, we are keeping our own souls safe from harm.

So, now that you know what’s up with this whole Karmic groove thing …what are you going to do with this new information?



Power. What is power?

The dictionary says power is the ability to do something or act in a particular way.

To me power means to overtake or have control.

Power is a tricky thing, it’s like a drug coursing through your veins making you feel alive.


Too much of it can hurt.

Eventually, you become addicted,

And can’t stop the cravings you feel to use it once more.

Once more.

Always once more.

You can never get enough.

You can feel yourself slipping away and power over taken your body,

As you utter two words that will show your power over another,

You don’t want to.

But at the same time,

You can’t stop yourself.


Two simple words can scar forever.

Two simple words can hurt the most.

And as I look in the mirror,

All I hear in my head are those two words.

Running through my brain,

Taunting me.

As I look away with tears in my eyes,

All I know is that those two words that may not so innocently have slipped from your mouth, Now have complete power over me.


I can never regain that control again.

They have taken away something that can’t be taken back.

They have shredded any part of me that had power.

They have completely and utterly taken away the most important thing,

The one thing that I will never get back,

The power over myself.


DOH Monday: Road Ends Ahead

Last year, for Christmas, we went to the beach. South Padre Island, to be specific. I got to spend Christmas Day on the beach, and it was amazing.

We drove to the place where the road ends and got out and walked and walked and picked up seashells, then we rode to the other end of the island, where the land ended, and walked, and picked up seashells, and saw birds, and took a dolphin watch cruise, and in general, just opted out of the commercial side of Christmas.

Whenever I feel the world pressing in too closely around me, I just look at these pictures and remember when we went to the place where the road ends. I remember the Christmas that was about enjoying the world I live in, with the souls I love the most. I remember the awe I felt as I stood on the beach and watched the gulf crash into the shore, and I remember the tears I cried as I stared at the beauty my creator wrought. And the world recedes, and my heart knows a moment’s peace.