by Band Back Together | May 6, 2016 | Date/Acquaintance Rape, Fear, Gang Rape, Guilt, Healing From A Rape or Sexual Asault, Intimate Partner Rape, Rape/Sexual Assault, Statutory Rape, Trust |
In the United States, every 107 seconds, someone is sexually assaulted. Four of every five sexual assaults are committed by someone known to the victim. 68% of all sexual assaults go unreported to the proper authorities.
Why? Why do so many sexual assaults go unreported?
Shame. Self blame. Embarrassment. Fear that no one would believe their story. Fear that they may have caused it. Not wanting to be the victim. Wanting to move past the sexual assault. There are a multitude of reasons why sexual assaults go unreported.
Just as there are a number of types of rape (gang rape, date/acquaintance rape, intimate partner rape, statutory rape, sexual assault), there are a multitude of responses to sexual assault. Each of which is completely normal.
This April, The Band Back Together Project is shining a light into the darkness of sexual assault. Please share your story of sexual assault so that we can Light the Darkness.
All are welcome.
Here I am, a year later.
It never really gets any easier. You just learn to live with it.
It was a year on 12/14 since the night that I was raped. I posted on this site a week or so after it happened and to me.
It was a silent cry for help.
I guess this is what this post is too …I know I need help. But I’m scared to get it.
How do I tell someone that I still don’t see myself when I look in the mirror?
How do I tell someone that I don’t trust a single man that I know or see because I’m terrified of what they will do to me if I give them my trust?
It’s been an entire year and I still can’t get over it.
When does it go away?
When do things get easier?
When will I be myself again?
by Band Back Together | Mar 2, 2016 | Date/Acquaintance Rape, Fear, Healing From A Rape or Sexual Asault, Rape/Sexual Assault, Sadness, Sexual Harassment |
I was friendly. That’s all.
He was my friend.
He asked me to go with him to feed his rabbits. How could I say no? I love rabbits. So we went.
They were trying to nibble at my fingers when I felt him come up behind me. I asked him what he was trying. He didn’t even say a word before he turned me around and forced his lips on mine. I pulled back…or tried to. In a second, his hands had already torn my bra off. Believe me, I was fighting. I mean, I liked him, but not that way. I kicked, I punched, I begged… We were up against a wall when he tried to rip my pants off. I was trying desperately to reason with him. Nothing could fend him off. He lifted and started carrying me to his quarters. I couldn’t even move one of his fingers away. He was too strong. He put me down to open the door and there I strangled him. He was laughing. How?
He relented for a second, and I ran. I climbed the gate and ran home.
I’ve been crying.
I can’t stop.
He texted me the next morning saying I was a good kisser.
I want to kill him.
I was once in a similar situation. Called the cops. But now, do I send this man to prison? Again, we were friends.
What if I see him again? Will I run? We’re almost neighbors.
He didn’t rape me. But he was going to. Was he?
Am I just a walking vagina?
by Band Back Together | Feb 9, 2016 | Bullying, Healing From A Rape or Sexual Asault, Rape/Sexual Assault, Sexual Harassment, Shame, Teen Bullying |
I’m just really tired of it all. It’s been eating away at me for some time now. I can’t count all the times I’ve been harassed by boys and grown men. I don’t know one girl that hasn’t been sexually harassed at least once in her life. That’s pretty sad.
Sophomore year was one of the worst years of this. Two boys harassed me all year long saying disgusting things to me, touching me, poking me. One day one of them even stuck his hand up my skirt and pinched my ass! That was super fun. Later that year a different boy pushed me on the ground and stood over me jokingly saying “give me a blowjob.”
Junior year I didn’t have classes with the two boys anymore. But then the boy who had said “give me a blow job” later took it even further. I was at a party at his house, most everyone was already gone. It was me, him and his brother and my other friend who is a boy. The boy twisted my arm forcing me to the ground, next thing I know him and his brother start to dry hump me. His brother on my boobs, and him on my lower stomach. I was yelling stop. They didn’t care. And my friend didn’t do anything, he just stood there. And that really hurt.
They have finally stopped. It amazes me that boys think these things they do are okay. I just want it to stop. But the really sad thing is, I feel like I deserve it.
by Band Back Together | Aug 25, 2015 | Abuse, Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse, Anger, Child Sexual Abuse, Date/Acquaintance Rape, Fear, Healing From A Rape or Sexual Asault, Rape/Sexual Assault |
t’s always hard for me to start these sorts of conversations. Although I feel a bit more at ease, considering the audience. I’m a victim of multiple forms of abuse, but most recently I’m having issues dealing with date rape. I was raped once, back when I was in middle school and came to terms with what happened. I never once considered it would happen to me again.
I was naive.
It happened six weeks ago at a really inconvenient time. Yeah, I know, it’s NEVER convenient and no one is ever prepared for it. It just further complicated issues with my ex-boyfriend. I was raped by an acquaintance; a friend of a “friend” (I use the term loosely now).
I still blame myself even though I know I shouldn’t. I have some pretty textbook reasons:
• I had too much to drink that night
• I allowed myself to feel safe in a clearly risky situation because I believed that the people I was with had some sort of accountability
• I openly admitted to being attracted to my attacker
• He kissed me once and while I made it clear I was uncomfortable, I did not remove myself from the situation.
I get that it’s not supposed to be my fault but I have a hard time allowing myself to believe that.
I was invited to a party at a coworkers house who I’ve worked with for the past six months. He had some friends staying with him from Chile who were there, too. My coworker, his best friend/my attacker, and several of our co-workers were there.
Beer pong and alcohol consumption wasn’t the problem. There was marijuana present and that illegal activity was my first deterrent to seeking help – there goes some of my credibility.
I hung out with the girls and was doing fine until I was comfortable with the group. We all work together, we have to see each other at work. I took that as we had accountability for our actions.
Nope.
I broke my self-imposed rule: don’t accept alcoholic drinks at the point you no longer feel the need to drink. I was persuaded by hospitality and the “party vibe.”
I drank too much and at the point that rest of the group was leaving, I decided I was not quite yet ready to drive. I asked to stay a few more minutes before leaving.
I thought I was being responsible.
His buddy speaks about as much English as I do Spanish. My Spanish isn’t fluent but I can get by. Still, he got me alone while we were talking, which wasn’t hard. I know the game, avoid the chick your friend is trying to “impress” and give them space. I spent a good thirty minutes trying to avoid this guy. He kissed me and I pulled away, politely excused myself, and he kept his distance. For a bit.
My coworker and his Chilean guests were very accommodating and offered me their couch to crash on. I politely declined but elected to stay another fifteen minutes. My coworker asked me to dance and I politely declined. Suddenly, he felt tired and went to his room, leaving me alone with his friend.
I felt uneasy, decided I didn’t like the scenario so I went to get my bag off the couch. He told me to sit, sleep here, “don’t drive, you’re drunk,” and took my keys. I would do the same for my friends and I appreciated his concern.
The mood didn’t change – I was still uneasy. Rightfully so. He pulled me in and made an advance in the living room minutes after my coworker retired to bed. He grabbed my bag and keys and took them from me. I explained I needed to leave and he pretended not to understand me – he reminded me that I was drunk.
It’s funny how fear sobers you up.
He pushed me down and got on top of me. What pisses me off more than anything is that I saw it happening and froze. I just fucking froze. The man was on top of me, my arm in between is groin and mine and all I could think was: “make a fist” – and I did. “Bring you arm up. Straight up as hard as you can and run” – I didn’t. I froze. I talked myself out of it.
He tried to kiss me and grope me. He had me beat on upper body strength and I knew it. I was terrified. What if I didn’t stun him and just pissed him off? Then what? He clearly didn’t care about me; would he punch me in the face?
A million questions ran through my mind as I lay there. I looked at him and said “please no, please stop” again and again and again and all he said back “No problem, I understand, no sex”
I mean, what the fuck, man. No English isn’t your first language but you plainly made it known you understood me, you jerk!
I tried to pull my panties back up and push him off me – and he just continued. He had to know it wasn’t consensual.
There’s another reason I can’t even look my coworker in the face. I screamed. I stopped being scared and screamed, I begged for help and only got louder. It’d been maybe fifteen minutes after he went to his room. I KNOW, I just KNOW he had to hear something. Someone had to hear something. And no one did anything to help.
After he finished, I laid there and cried. He’d shocked the hell out of me. I didn’t even know how to respond. I get now that it was very controlling but I don’t understand my reaction. I laid on the couch and didn’t – couldn’t – move.
He covered me up with a blanket got down by my face and said three things I’ll never forget: “What is my name?” He asked over and over until I said it. “Give me a kiss,” and he pushed my face to his until I kissed his cheek, and then “Good girl.”
I wanted to spit in his face. I want to kick him in the throat and run screaming for the neighbors to hear. Instead, I listened and I laid there and cried until I was sure he was asleep in the other room. It was two hours before I moved. Then I got dressed, fixed my face, and left.
The guy was a jerk. My co-worker is an enabling scumbag who told me it was my fault
The first person I called, a longtime friend, threatened to tell my mom (who I still haven’t told) if I didn’t go to the police because, “It would be my fault for letting him get away with it and do it again.”
The rape is affecting the relationship I’m in now. The date rape happened while my boyfriend of three years and I were broken up. We weren’t dating but both hoped things between us could be worked out. I had no intention of dating anyone else. Then this happened and I reacted in such stupid crazy ways that even I can’t explain my behavior.
I didn’t want to tell him and I regret telling him because he did exactly what I thought he would – he basically blamed me.
I figured making him want to leave me would be better than dealing with it, so I sent provocative pictures of myself to some random person online hoping he’d just leave me. It seemed like a better alternative. Yes, I know how dumb that sounds. In the end when he questioned why I wanted to hurt him, I felt like utter shit.
I don’t know how I thought hurting him and making him leave me would be better than explaining what happened.
So I explained it. I wish I hadn’t. The first things he said to me were: “how do I know you didn’t cheat on me and just regret it? Did you like it? Did you kiss him at all? You didn’t lead him on at all? How do you know he used a condom and if he did how’s come you waited for him to put it on? If he had time for a condom you had time to do something…”
We’re back together now, but he couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to say anything.
My boyfriend said it’s not my fault sure but he didn’t act like it. He blames me for protecting my co-worker because I won’t tell him where the guy lives so he can kick his ass. And I’m mad at him.
I’m frustrated, tired of trying to explain feelings he can’t understand. I’m sorry for intentionally hurting him, but making him feel better about what happened to me isn’t my job and it’s pissing me off. I want to say:
I’m not here to make you feel better, kicking his ass doesn’t change what happened to me it just opens you up to an assault charge.
By now, it’s too late to press charges. I didn’t go to the doctors or police. He and his friend were only staying in the United States for a few weeks and I’m pretty sure he’s already back in Chile. I’m happy I’ll never have to see his face again.
I see it sometimes when I go to sleep. I wake up and hear myself saying his name. I wish I’d have spat in his face but instead I said his name. I’m not sure why he even cared if I knew who he was – it’s not like he’d ever see me again.
I’m confused, upset, pissed off, and tired of trying to sort it out for other people. I haven’t even done that for myself yet.
I will never again assume people are to be held accountable for their actions.
by Band Back Together | Aug 13, 2015 | Anxiety, Depression, Fear, Healing From A Rape or Sexual Asault, Rape/Sexual Assault, Violence |
This only happened to me a few weeks ago, and I am still trying to find ways of coping with what happened to me. I am hoping that sharing my story and writing it out will also help my mental state at the moment.
I already suffered with severe anxiety and depression before this had happened so have already suffered through some traumatic experiences already. However, this is my story.
I am 20, a university student, and generally enjoy my life. Even though I do live with mental health issues I never really let them over-rule my life.
Being students, we decided to go on a night out. I wasn’t drinking as my friend was already excessively drunk, and I was keeping an eye on him to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid. A couple of hours later, we were still out enjoying our night. He had found some lad to dance with and spent the majority of his evening with this boy and me. I went to the toilet, trusting that he would wait for me, so that we could get a taxi home. I came out of the toilet and he had gone, I searched both rooms in the club to try and find him or any other of the group of friends I was out with. I couldn’t see any of them.
I went outside to see if anyone was outside smoking. No one was in sight there either. I then went to call everyone I was with to try and find someone, so I remained outside. I started to panic slightly. Absolutely no one was answering their phones and most of their phones were turned off.
I again began to panic. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get home as one of my friends had my bank card with them. I had no cash on me either. I then began to text my friend, who hadn’t come out with us, to ask if he could pick me up. He agreed, but said he was going to be over an hour. At this point, it was around 5am, and everyone started to leave the club. I was standing at the end of the street, where I told my friend I would meet him when he came to pick me up.
A male approached me as I was having a cigarette to ask if he could have one. I said yes, and he stuck around to talk. He seemed genuinely lovely. He then realized that I was alone and began getting friendly. I politely asked him not to, but he kept on insisting that it was fine. He then asked if I wanted to go back to his house. I again politely declined the offer, as I was waiting for my friend to pick me up.
A taxi then pulled up shortly afterwards. He walked back over to me, I thought to say goodbye, but instead, he said to me I had no choice as he wasn’t leaving me alone. When I tried to push him away, he picked me up and threw me into the taxi. In the area that we were in, the taxi drivers tend to ignore their clients, regardless of what was happening, so I knew I would get no help from the driver.
We then arrived at his house, and I had no idea where we were, I felt really scared. I thought about running away from him when we got out of the taxi, but I wouldn’t know where to run to or where to go. I also started panicking about how I would get away.
He then proceeded to drag me into his house. He walked me to the living room and told me to sit on the sofa and not move until he came back. While he was gone, I started looking for his address to let my friend know where to pick me up. His cat was staring at me whilst I was doing this. I found a letter and really quickly sent a text to my friend. He returned, and I hid my phone as quickly as I could. He asked me what I was doing, and I didn’t reply.
He then threw me onto his sofa and took my underwear and skirt off. He gagged me with a tie that he had just gone to get, so that I couldn’t scream or shout. After around 10 minutes, he stopped and told me to follow him to his bedroom. He told me that if I didn’t do what he said, he was going to hurt me, so I followed his instructions. He continued to rape me in his bedroom. After around another 20 minutes, he told me to clean myself up and leave. I ran into the living room to put on my clothes, and just at that moment, my friend called me to say he was outside. I tried to act completely normal, like nothing had happened, when I left the house and got into my friends car.
I continued pretending like nothing had happened until I spoke to my tutor. She could see something wasn’t quite right. I had become really angry and extremely quiet. I didn’t cry when I told her what had happened. I still haven’t cried. I have become emotionally numb and tried to block out this situation.
I don’t know how to face this.
