by anonymous | Feb 6, 2019 | Bringing the Happy Back World Tour, Feelings, Self Esteem, Self Loathing |
This year, it’s time to take action. It’s time to pull our heads out of our asses and make some plans for world domination.
How? By telling the world, not what we want to do this year, but what we will.
So what will YOU do this year?
I will… walk for 30 minutes a day, five days a week as per an extremely informative video making the rounds on youtube.
I will… trust that the universe will give us what we need, when we need it.
I will… laugh more.
I will… create – write, draw, colour, take pictures, make cards, etc.
I will… meditate.
I will… practice mindfulness.
I will… get outside.
I will… send more happy mail.
I will… get more sleep.
I will… listen to my body.
I will… stop hating myself.
I will… learn to love myself.
I will… be unapologetically ME.
Phew! That’s a tall order. Good thing I’m up for the job!
by Jay123 | Feb 5, 2019 | Anxiety, Ask The Band, Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotional Abuse, Feelings, Friend Loss, Friendship, Psychological Manipulation, Psychological Manipulation, Relational Aggression, Relationships, Romantic Relationships, Self Esteem, Self-Esteem, Social Isolation |
I spent the last many years married to a woman with fairly severe (clinically diagnosed) Borderline Personality Disorder. I could very easily fill an entire book writing about what that experience was like, so it’s hard to know how to distill it. Here are some things I know-
-Years of being subjected to masterfully performed gaslighting has left me very unsure of all my own judgements and perceptions of reality.
-Years of being degraded and emasculated when I wanted to discuss my thoughts/feelings, being told that it is unattractive for a man to show “weakness” to his wife, has left me uncertain of when it’s ok to be vulnerable with other people.
-Years of walking on eggshells, trying so hard to do and say everything just right, but knowing that no matter how well I did, the next blow-up/emotional attack was always coming, has left me perpetually anxious, and steeped so heavily in learned helplessness that I often struggle to even feel that I have any control over what happens in my life. I never used to be that way at all.
-Years of having all my contributions and accomplishments minimized or forgotten, and all my imperfections magnified and carefully score-carded, has left me with close to zero sense of self-efficacy.
-Years of living with someone who is intimacy avoidant and uninterested in sex, but being told the whole time that her disinterest is caused by my shortcomings–because I didn’t last long enough in bed, or because I lasted too long in bed (yes, both of those), or because of the stress I was causing her by me not making us enough money (even when I was bringing in over six figures a year), or because I was paying too much attention to (suffocating) her, or because I was not paying enough attention to (neglecting) her– has left my self confidence so damaged that I almost fear being intimate with someone again.
Probably the worst part, though? During the early “idealization” phase of the relationship, she was incredibly jealous and protective of my attention (which at the time I foolishly believed was just because she loved me so much). So, focusing all of my time and attention on her needs, I greatly distanced myself from any male friends I was close to, and completely cut off contact with all of my female friends. Once she flipped me into the devaluation phase, I was left with a partner who had zero interest in me, other than what I could fix or provide for her, and only weak remnants of friendships remained. I was effectively isolated to the point that I spent most of my free time just sitting alone in my basement, wishing things were different.
Isolation is definitely one of my biggest hurdles right now. I’d really like to make some new friends, particularly some female friends since I lost all but one or two, but no clue where to even start. I just really miss having more meaningful conversations and connections with people.
Another hurdle is figuring out how to integrate “what I know to be true” with “what I feel to be true.” For example, I can write down a list of all of my business/financial accomplishments, and objectively say I’ve been successful in that area. I know this to be true. But I do not feel that this is true. I can find endless examples of things I’ve done or experiences I’ve had that show most of the negative feelings I mentioned above are illogical or don’t line up with reality. But again, I still don’t feel that.
I would love any thoughts or advice from anyone who has gone through something similar. What worked? What DIDN’T work? How did you reconnect with yourself? How did you reconnect with other people and build some new meaningful friendships/relationships?
by Aunt Becky | Feb 4, 2019 | The Band Presents |
Holy crapballs, it’s 2019 already. Kinda was feeling like January lasted at least 5 months – it just dragged and dragged.
Okay, so it’s (Aunt Becky) rocking the mike to tell you allllll the stuff that’s been going on since we resurrected The Band in June of 2018. It’s a lot: take what you need and leave the rest.
First, let’s start at the beginning:
With the help of Jess Green and now Rosalie, we managed to pull about 2000 posts from the Wayback Machine, to add to our archives. See – we lost any access to the old backend while I was homeless, so the only way we can get stuff added from the past is to copy and paste them into a new post. That’s why they’re all anonymous and may have comments from ages ago.
We’ve also been working to create a stable Board of Directors to manage this nonprofit properly, which means a whole ton of writing different (read: boring) things so that we’ve got our ducks in a proverbial row. I only wish we had REAL ducks, but alas, Nathan said no to my idea.
Ducks or none, I’m working on the page for the board of directors so you can meet us as well!
The resource pages are still my big baby, so I’ve been working on them as I can. I think I’ve done maybe a hundred so far? The reason this is draaggggiiiing on is because I’m auditing them and filling them with more information, and I’m still working with The Board to get our volunteer framework created.
Speaking of that? If you’d like to help out on and around the site, we really really do need your help. If you care to, please sign up here on this google document and you’ll hear from us soon.
Things worthy of note (that we’re in the process of fixing):
- Links within the pages/posts – I know they don’t work. I’m thinking about possibly changing to a Wiki Plugin, but I’m PRETTY sure the name’s the beginning and the ending of my knowledge.
- A new landing page and a more easily organized and intuitive way to use the site
- Moving server hosts – we currently have three – I’d like to be down to one quite soon
- Our developer is working to create a different layout with a new theme so that we can just paste it on up when we’re done
- Getting our social media team sorted and organized
- I personally am working to get gsuite for nonprofits for us, but it’s taken me 3 weeks so far, and nada
- Forums for the site
And about a zillion other things I can’t quite remember.
This month, we have a bunch of different prompts for you guys (you do NOT have to use them – we accept all submissions. If you’d prefer to be anonymous, that’s fine, please go here.It’s also Black History Month, and we at The Band support diversity. We would appreciate any stories about discrimination (of any form) and anything else you’d like to discuss.
It’s heart health month, so we’d love any stories about any cardiac issues you or a loved one have been through, or maybe just a “here’s how I stay heart healthy.”
It’s also, on Band Back Together, Mood Disorders Month. I know a lot of us struggle with these (raises hand) and along with being isolating, mood disorders can make us feel alone. Let’s show everyone that they’re not alone.
Here are the resources I have created thus far for Mood Disorders (this will be added to this post as I eke out time for it):
Mood Disorders
Major Depressive Disorder
Living with Major Depressive Disorder
Bipolar Disorders
Living with Bipolar Disorder
Still Missing Resource Pages:
Seasonal Affective Disorder
Postpartum Depression
Dysthymia
It’s teen domestic violence month, which means that we’re asking for stories about those affected by teen violence.
Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD)
Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder (Formerly Childhood Bipolar Disorder)
What else do you think the site needs?
Mic Drop
by Band Back Together | Jan 30, 2019 | A Letter I Can't Send, Adult Children Of Parent WIth Mental Illness, Loss, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Mental Illness Stigma |
Dear Dad,
It’s been almost three years since you died. I miss you. Until you died, I can honestly say that I did not carry around much regret, but since you passed I have one big regret. I am so sorry that I could not take better care of you in your old age, when your health was failing. None of us realized how bad you had gotten and I thought you had more time left.
See, you came to visit me for two weeks. Shortly after I left my job to stay at home full time with my then one year old daughter, I had hoped that the visit would go well. We even toured a senior care home that was so nice and I knew we all liked it. But having you here for two weeks was hard. And we found out that since you had a felony on your record, you would not be eligible to live in a nice senior care facility, even though it was so long ago. I was barely keeping it together with my own family. I had been dealing with postpartum anxiety (though I didn’t know what that was at the time), we had just switched to one income, and I was an emotional wreck. I didn’t know that would be the last time I would see you.
When you stayed with us, you were scared to do simple things on your own, like changing the toilet paper roll or putting food on your own dinner plate. It also seemed like many of the usual social graces people use escaped you as I had to remind you of things like using a napkin. We thought you had been spending too much time alone. I knew being in new environments was stressful for you. I panicked when you told me you were starting new medication a few days into the trip. I was afraid that there would be a lag-time until the new meds kicked in and that you might have a manic episode. I was scared, and overwhelmed, and grumpy. Although I had always wanted to take of you, I was afraid of exposing my husband and daughter to your psychotic episodes and just could not handle taking care of you in my home.
After your next breakdown, you went to live with my brother in LA. It was hard to tell over the phone, but he said that you didn’t come back to normal after that one. I know you hated living in the city & in a noisy house with no where to walk to. We didn’t understand why your psychiatrist kept taking you off of your medications, without talking with any of us. I am sad that you died so soon, but I am beyond infuriated with the mental health care system and the shit they put you through all those years. That time, your case workers finally talked you into checking into the behavioral health center, but it was set up for short term care. Your psychatrist took you off of all your psych meds, so the hospital didn’t give you any & you were completely out of it. When I tried to talk to you on the phone you put the receiver inside your mouth. It was impossible to have a conversation. They put you in a wheel chair because you kept falling down. They couldn’t send you home & there were no long term care facilities available for you to go to. We finally fought for you to go to a medical rehab place and argued with them long enough to have you (finally) evaluated by a psychiatrist…which took two weeks. They put you back on psych meds and you improved enough for J to take you home.
But you weren’t all the way better and you had a hard time adjusting to J’s house. He managed to get you into a retirement home that didn’t do a comprehensive background check. When you became agitated and confused again, we thought it was related to your mental health, so J took you to a nearby emergency psychiatric hospital. The doctors there didn’t know you. He waited with you all damn day and they couldn’t tell him how long it would be to get you in to see a doctor. They told him the only way to get you seen was to have you brought in by police. So he called the police, explained the situation and a very understanding cop escorted you in the back of a police car to the hospital. It breaks my heart that he had to put handcuffs on you to walk you into the hospital “in custody.” They explained to you that you hadn’t done anything wrong, but didn’t think you really understood. After all of your experiences,I know that was scary for you and I feel horrible that they had to do that to get you into a doctor. Horrible and pissed beyond belief at this fucked up mental health system that would put a 72 year old man with severe mental health issues though that just to get fucking treated by a doctor. Anyway, it seems like we should have been taking you to a medical doctor, because you died within hours of being checked in. Supposedly they gave you a physical exam, then something to help you sleep because you were tired. When the nurse checked on you 15 minutes later, you were gone.
My other regret is that you had to deal with a system that was so incompetent and frustrating to deal with. That your health care added to the hardships that you faced in life & that I wasn’t a better advocate for your care during your life. I love you and I miss you, and I am glad that you are no longer suffering.
by Band Back Together | Jan 28, 2019 | Anxiety, Ask The Band, Connective Tissue Disorders, Elhers Danlos Syndrome, Family, Feelings, Health |
So, let’s talk about my youngest. He is one of the sweetest most loving caring kids you will ever meet. He has autism, ADHD, anxiety, depression, asthma, and EDS. EDS Elhers Danlos Syndrome. It’s a connective tissue disorder. It sucks. I have it also and right now we are both having major pain flares.
Readers Digest version: last Wednesday, I think it was, my husband and I and our youngest went to our foot doctor because my feet are horrible, my husband’s are from the army and back in December, my son fell and sprained his ankle, and we thought he was ok but he was still limping. With EDS, you do not walk it off, and I have two surgeries on my feet to prove that.
So, the doctor gets x-rays, and comes and gets my husband and me to come look at them. She points at a spot on his ankle and says, “I don’t know what that is, I don’t like it. I want an MRI immediately!”
Ok, so I’m freaking out inside. She puts my son in a walking boot and he’s fine; he’s none the wiser. He walks with a cane daily because his knees are really bad.
So, we learn it could be dead bone, dead connective tissue, the C word, malformed bone or connective tissue and I forget what else. He will probably need surgery. I’m not handling this well at all. He’s my baby and I know he hurts because I gave him the blasted syndrome.
The “immediately” is not happening because apparently it’s a special kind and even though my son has 3 insurances, they have to sign off first. I’m just beside myself. My anxiety is not happy. Thank god for happy pills. Any suggestions on how not to obsess?
by Band Back Together | Jan 25, 2019 | Anxiety Disorders, Ask The Band, Coping With Anxiety Disorders, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Family, Fear, Feelings, How To Help A Parent With a Special Needs Child, Intracranial Hypertension, Mental Health, Parenting, Special Needs Parenting |
You know about my kids now here’s a little about me.
I am extremely stubborn.
I hate admitting I need help.
I have a ton of health problems: anxiety, depression, EDS, IIH, and fibromyalgia. All 3 of my kids have autism with other co-morbidities. My husband is my rock but he can be a pain in my ass.
I take on a lot with the boys because they’re mine it’s not up to someone else to do it and I do see a therapist.
She thinks in dealing with the latest with what I call my shitshow, I lost myself in there somewhere.
I think she’s right in a way, I’m so mentally tired I’m surprised I can form complete sentences.
I’m getting away next week for 10 days.
For the first time in 4.5 years, I’m going to visit my mom, my dad, and my sister. I haven’t been together with the three of them at the same time in a long time.
I’m actually really excited… but scared too.
Scared of having a good time.
Is that weird?
Scared I’m going to be in pain and they won’t understand. Scared of being away from my kids for so long.
Okay, I’m scared shitless.
Help!
