My darling son 36 years old went asleep forever on November 18th from melanoma and I just cant cope wit the loss. He was the light of my life and always had a smile for everyone, especially his “mumma” as he called me. I don’t know how to carry on. Maybe someone on here has experienced the same loss and might be able to help. I just cry all day six weeks on. I miss him so much. He was a beautiful son, husband and brother.
Hey, let’s talk politics. No, not like “here’s who you should vote for and why” kind of politics, that’s not in keeping with how this site rolls. I mean your participation in politics. Specifically, voting.
Right now we are living in unprecedented times. A lot is about to change in our country so it’s more important than ever that you get out and make your voice heard the only way you can; VOTE.
Yes, there’s lots of words flying about on the internet that mail-in ballots will be tampered with or votes not full counted or this or that. The truth is it doesn’t matter what you read; voting is literally the least you can do to move this country in the direction you want it to go, no matter the party you align with. Don’t listen to the haters who says your vote doesn’t count; it’s the only thing you are able to do to decide the direction of our country right now, so what do you have to lose by voting? Nothing except maybe some time, and a lot of us have that in spades these days.
But depending on where you live, voting can be complicated or confusing, so I wanted to give everyone a heads up on a new resource that will assist you clearing up confusion about how to register and vote in your state. Plus, you may get a laugh or two from it, and who doesn’t need that right now? The site is Stephen Colbert’s Better Know a Ballot and it has information on how to get out your vote our in all 50 states, and because it’s Colbert it’s also pretty damn funny so you won’t have to feel so serious about the process.
Please understand this is not some cross-promotion scheme or anything, it is literally just for your information, in the hopes everyone will get out and vote on November 3rd. It’s important, it’s easy, and it can make a difference. SO VOTE!
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When I was in the depths of my worst dark days, there was a feeling I would get. It feels like an itch that you can’t scratch. It ignites a burning desire deep within to just rip off your skin so you don’t have to feel it anymore. Every second you’re forced to spend in your body is worse than the last and there is absolutely no end in sight.
When you come to the realization that THIS IS IT. Fear is all you can feel. What does the end look like? People say it gets better, but holy shit, have they encountered YOUR demons? They have not! How in the world am I going to wake tomorrow knowing that the FEAR will still be there. You hear “Just hang on” and can’t believe that you can accomplish such an insane task. That ledge is getting really slippery and you can’t feel your fingers.
So, everyday I started looking for one thing to live for. There were many days that it was my husband’s smile or my children’s laughter. Other days it was a chocolate doughnut. So
me days it was the color of the sky, the smell of the air after rainfall, the beauty of a butterfly with an intricate face on their wings, tiny flowers in the yard that no one planted there, but are a gift from Mother Nature, or the sound of the lapping of ocean waves.
The Midwest sunsets on calm evenings, when the delicate pastels of the evening skies are painted on the bottom of barely moving clouds. The call of the male bullfrogs looking for them girls. The song of the cicadas in the damp summer nights. The howling of a distant pack of coyotes counting up their pack to make sure everyone made it through the night’s battle and had full tummies before heading home at dawn. The gentle curves of newly budded trees. Tiny insect eggs tucked into the stem of a dandelion. The deep buzz and tiny squeak of a nearby hummingbird.The delicate structures inside of ordinary looking flowers. Watching two tiny lizards basking in the late afternoon sun. Each of their heads on the other’s back enjoying the quiet before the next adventure.
The way the sun hit my living room window just right only during the “dark months” to light up the crystals in my window to give me rainbows in the afternoon on the days when it finally decided to grace us with it’s presence. The sound of raindrops on windowsills.
These are the things that make life worth it. That one thing would get me through. Before I knew it (though it seems like an eternity in the midst of it) the sun would come out a little more. I’d feel like showering a little more often. I’d hear myself laugh without having to touch the internal reminder that things are funny. Breathing got a little easier.
Here’s the thing… I’m talking to you, person who didn’t want to wake up today. Not the one that didn’t want to get out of bed, the one that prayed the night before (to a deity they don’t believe in) to allow them the freedom of not waking up. You. I love you. You are not alone. You can make it. Do you know how I know? Because I made it. More than once. I have survived every cell in my body telling me to give up. I will survive again. Because I know that one day I’ll look forward to waking up. One day I’ll be able to plan beyond the next minute. One day breath will come. Friend, it feels so good. You are worth it.
Random related article: In These Dark Times Practice Love and Kindness
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I’m not sure if I deserve a pat on the back or a really good nap, but either way I’m proud of me.
Since last Thursday, things seem to have just started to topple over completely within my family, and I’ve managed to keep it together and make sure that not only are those who need to be ok are ok, but that I am, too.
Yes, this is going to take a hot minute or months to take care of, but I didn’t lose it and I didn’t break!
I’m proud of that.
Now if I could only sleep ?♀️
Chrissy
I’m not sure if I deserve a pat on the back or a really good nap, but either way I’m proud of me.
Since last Thursday, things seem to have just started to topple over completely within my family, and I’ve managed to keep it together and make sure that not only are those who need to be okay are okay, but that I am, too.
Yes, this is going to take a hot minute or months to take care of, but I didn’t lose it and I didn’t break! I’m proud of that.
Now if I could only sleep.
*************************************
I wrote the above about 2.5 weeks ago after my youngest got another medical diagnosis and something major happened that I can’t talk about yet. (Nothing to do with medical diagnosis.)
Then, once I got done what needed to be done, it seemed like the shit show appeared with spring break for the kids. I ended up in the ER for a severe migraine that met my IIH (Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension, which is high blood pressure on your brain, with brain and spinal fluid).
If you’ve never had that happen, you don’t want it too. It was scary as hell.
Basically, I was strong and got shit done, and then I fell apart.
I felt like such a failure for that. Ugh. I’m okay now.
Stress is such a bitch, I swear.
So, I walked into my therapist’s office sat down and said “welcome to the shit show.”
At least I own it, right?
Chrissy
His name is John; hers is Yvonne. He is 76 and she is 74. They dated all through high school. Then they broke up and married other people, had kids and grandkids, and all was well.
Then John’s wife got cancer – ovarian or cervical – either way, doesn’t matter. He took care of her, always believing he could do more. Then she died.
John got on with his life. He was sad, but dealing.
One day, John’s son looked up Yvonne and found out she lived only 30 minutes away. She was married to someone and had kids and grandkids and even a great-grandkid.
Some time later, John’s son showed him the obituaries. Yvonne’s husband had passed. Cancer. John went to pay his respects. After all, he and Yvonne had once dated. They talked a bit and promised to keep in touch.
John and Yvonne were married two years later.
They have been married about six years now.
Two years ago, Yvonne was diagnosed with cancer, cervical or ovarian – doesn’t matter. It was the same cancer that killed John’s first wife.
John said NO!
He wanted to fight the cancer. He wouldn’t let cancer take his wife again.
John goes to every doctor appointment. He keeps track of every medication and dosage and when and how she is supposed to take it. He sat with her while she went through chemo. He shaved her head – and his – when she started to lose her hair. He isn’t letting her go without a fight.
They don’t know what the future holds, or if the cancer has spread.
Cancer sucks…but it also made them stronger.
Cancer brought them together.