by Band Back Together | Sep 11, 2014 | Fear, Help With Relationships, Love, Marriage and Partnership, Marriage Problems, Polyamory, Romantic Relationships |
Here’s something a lot of people don’t understand or don’t want to understand: you can be in love with two people at the same time. It’s not a crime, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, it just is.
See, I’m in love with you. I’m also in love with my husband, and I know you’re in love with your wife. One of my friends – I tell so few people about this that the ones who know are ones dear to me – said you should be my hall pass, then had to explain that to me. You’re not a celebrity, you’re not a rock star, you’re just you. Talented, funny, and sometimes so serious and awkward that I can’t help loving you.
I get the feeling sometimes that you have some sort of feelings for me too. I certainly know at the very least that you care about me. Whether it’s a favorite on Twitter, a like on Facebook, or just a passing word that you remember where I live when I don’t even remember telling you, you tell me in these little ways that you’re keeping up with me and my life. You were the first to say “Happy Birthday” to me this year, even before my family. You asked me how I was doing when you saw that my marriage was on the rocks. Like I said, I know you care. I just don’t know how much.
My husband thinks this is hilarious. Hell, he encourages it. He says things like “what if he likes you?” in a tone of voice you usually only hear from one middle-schooler to another. He knows how much I love you and he accepts it. It’s one of the reasons I love him so much.
I never want to lose my husband like I would never want you to lose your wife. But I can’t stop loving you and I can never, ever tell you how I feel. We’re friends and I wouldn’t want to lose that, but sometimes when we talk all I can think about is what it would be like to kiss you. When you hug me I want it to go on forever. And when you stand beside me I wonder if anyone would ever think I was your girlfriend.
Sometimes I cry because I have these feelings for you, this need to be with you and hear your voice and see you smile. I want to talk to you, to email or text you just to say hi so we don’t break our connection, but I’m afraid you’ll think I’m overbearing. If I ever held your hand I would probably just burst into tears. It’s like a sappy romantic comedy, only one-sided. You’re near me but just far enough away that I would never be able to reach you.
You toss around “love you” like it’s nothing, not knowing what it means to me. It drives me crazy but I never want it to end. I never want this feeling to end.
I love you.
So much.
by Band Back Together | Sep 9, 2014 | Abuse, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Emotional Abuse, Love, Self-Esteem, Therapy |
Dear Dad,
I am not attending your Father’s Day celebration.
I am not because I do not want to reward you for the way you’ve treated me and my family. Sweeping all of the hurtful words, derisive glares, and contemptible stories told to extended family members under the rug and pretending that everything’s coming up Cunningham is unhealthy. I need to start teaching you how to treat me.
I wish that these feelings, and your actions, were limited to the last ten months, the time frame when the true dysfunction of our relationship came to light, but they’re not. In truth, while you’ve never raised a hand to me (or my sister), your abuse has been going on as long as I can remember. (Don’t you sometimes wish emotional abuse showed scars? It would be so much easier if you could point to a jagged white gash on your arm and say “this was from the time he called me ‘fat.’ I was ten.” If you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist.)
You wanted boys. It is so clear that you are disappointed that Mom gave you daughters. It was clear in the way you dismissed me, tried to create a “tomboy” out of my sister, and then, when that didn’t work out, lavished attention on our male cousins and your first grandson. It is still clear in the way that you almost completely ignore your beautiful granddaughters, and when you’re not ignoring them, you treat them as inferior, people you must put up with in order to see your grandson.
Of course growing up with you wasn’t all bad. You made us beautiful things, bed frames with bookshelves (because my sister and I have always been big readers), a closet-sized toy chest, and a stand-alone playhouse in the centre of the yard (which lasted one summer before the spiders took it for their own and we refused to enter it again). You took us out for sundaes at least once a month, on Fridays after school (of course you did neglect the opportunity to get to know your children by picking up a newspaper as soon as we darkened the doors, but we were always excited to get that ice cream). You made sure that we got out camping several times every summer, and packed canoe trips and hiking adventures by the dozen into our family vacations.
You just never seemed to buy in to your relationships with us. Maybe with my sister, with whom you seemed to have tried to forge a connection through organized sports and hockey fandom, but never with me. We don’t have any common interests, isn’t that the excuse you used? I always had my nose in a book, played music with a community band and was more of a dreamer than I was practical. Thing is, I also really enjoyed hiking, got into inline skating (you played hockey and really enjoyed to skate), loved to go for long walks and even took up an interest in war history movies (when I watched The Bridge on the River Kwai, I watched it for you. I did thoroughly enjoy it, but I was twelve(ish), it wasn’t in my wheelhouse to source late ‘50s Alec Guinness flicks in the ‘90s).
Later on, I followed your urging and applied for a job (I should never have applied for) in your company of employment. I hated that position with every breath I took (and I didn’t last long in it), but I relished having that little bit of something in common with you. I was over-the-moon when I had the chance to “talk shop” with you, but you were dismissive of and disinterested in that, too.
I tried, Dad. I tried really hard. The counselor I saw at the end of last year suggested that I have been seeking your approval for my whole life. That wasn’t something I had considered, but when he said it, a cartoon light bulb lit up over my head. He was right on the money.
I have been trying to make you see me for all of my almost thirty-two years of life.
I can’t do it anymore. You have said some heinous things to and about me, especially in the last year. You have ignored me, looked through me and glared hatefully at me. I understand that I have made decisions that you don’t agree with. I understand that I have done things that you don’t like. I even understand that some of these things may have hurt you, but this isn’t the way to deal with that. I am better than that. I am more than that. I am worth more than that.
I would love to have a relationship with you. I said to my husband just this morning that I wish that tomorrow was going to be a day of celebrating him, and his very first Father’s Day (he is an amazing father. So supportive, encouraging, devoted, and completely wrapped around our son’s tiny fingers), as well as a day of celebrating you. I wish I had a relationship with you to celebrate, but there aren’t enough macaroni necklaces in all of the land to sway your affection toward me even an inch, are there?
I hope that changes some day, Dad. I hope I can hug you, tell you I love you, and trust you again.
xo
Your daughter.
by Band Back Together | Sep 2, 2014 | Abuse, Anger, Coping With Domestic Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Loneliness, Love |
I’m the strong one in our relationship, just admit it.
No matter the hateful, violent words you say, I’m right here with “I love you no matter what,” and “you are an amazing boyfriend.”
The minute that you catch a hint of me being upset, you run the other way.
I don’t yell or say nasty things like you, yet you don’t know how to handle me? Am I so terrible? You don’t have to deal with my anger almost every day, yet I’m the bad person?
You just get to yell and scream whenever and to whoever that you want.
Who am I supposed to go to when I’m angry?
Oh that’s right.
No one.
Because you want me completely alone.
You want a fight? Well, good luck trying to break me bitch.
by Band Back Together | Aug 21, 2014 | A Letter I Can't Send, Anger, Feelings, Loneliness, Love, Romantic Relationships |
We all have letters we’d like to send, but know that we can’t. A letter to someone we no longer have a relationship with, a letter to a family member or friend who has died, a letter to reclaim our power or our voice from an abuser.
Letters where actual contact is just not possible.
Do you have a letter you can’t send?
Why not send it to The Band?
Dear Nick,
Fine, I’ll be here for when you need some quick sex or someone to yell at. Don’t worry about my fucking sanity, all that matters is yours. You have put me through so much yet hardly want to own up to it.
I have told you things about me that no one knows. When I opened up to you last night about some things that my ex said, I thought that I would receive the same compassion and comfort that I give to you when all you want to do is die. But I was wrong. You had zero compassion, or love, or understanding for what he put me through. I don’t care about him, I really don’t. But it still hurts that someone I had given everything to told me that I don’t meet his standards. Can you understand that?
Do you know how much that hurt me? You don’t seem to care what I’m feeling as long as you get laid and have someone to comfort you. What the hell am I supposed to do if I get hurt? If you can’t say a few comforting words when I’m reliving a bad memory, what happens if I really get hurt? Why am I so willing to put myself through the wringer for someone who doesn’t seem to care?
by Band Back Together | Aug 16, 2014 | Anxiety, Depression, Feelings, Loneliness, Love |
Please remember, in the midst of all the tragedies happening in the world today and every day – that you – YOU – yourself – YOU – the individual – YOU are LOVED.
So many people suffer in silence. So many people ache with the feelings of loneliness and a longing for support. It is out there. WE are out here. Ready to hold your hand, read your words, make you smile.
And please, take care of yourself today. Every day. Whether it’s your history with depression, anxiety, shame or pain, or that of a loved one, a friend, family member, you’re allowed to walk away. You don’t have to read all of the things. You just don’t.
So take a break from Facebook. Stop clicking those links. Take a break from the Internet entirely if you must. Read a magazine, a book, a cereal box. Watch your favorite happy movie. Or sad one if you need that release.
Take care of you. Self-care is critical.
by Band Back Together | Jul 17, 2014 | Abortion, Abuse, Cancer and Neoplasia, Compulsive Lying, Love, Suicide |
I stand here, a shell of a man, alone, and without direction to find a path. I am a compulsive liar and I have been all my life. I have hurt and destroyed everything that is near and dear to my heart.
I have almost no friends, no family, and no love to call my own. I am defeated, at rock bottom, and needing to hear from someone why and what I need to do. I know everyone has a story, and I know some are worse off than me, but why can’t I stop lying? My childhood was a mess – abusive father and a mother who blamed her children for her life’s problems. I would cry for love and attention, but I never got it, just yelling and beating. Through high school, I would lie for attention, say things to be cool, yet get caught and pay by getting beaten up, or worse.
I have lost every relationship and every woman I have ever loved because I would lie about the smallest things, and then the biggest things. From a failed marriage, I have a child. That is the only reason I haven’t killed myself. I have another child that I gave up the rights to because I was ashamed someone would never like me with a child. Now that child is 17 and wants to see me, but she knows the evil person I am.
I met a beautiful woman two years ago. She was life and beauty and love, a healer and a spiritual woman. She showed me love like never before, showed me how to be grateful for life and to love and help others. She loved my 8 year old daughter. It was a beautiful relationship, but I gave her my lies to make her love me. I lied and told her I was receiving cancer treatments, so she would hold me tighter to her. Why would someone lie about having cancer when so many people die from it? Why did I feel the need to put lies in the most beautiful relationship I have ever found? She accepted me despite my bullshit past. I told her I was healing every day.
Now I have nothing because I lied about having cancer and said the chemotherapy made me sterile, Now she knows the truth because she become pregnant 6 weeks ago. She has left me and is having an abortion. I am devastated that I have destroyed this amazing woman’s soul.
I am lost and ashamed. I am a failure and a coward. Who does this, and why? I look back and can’t believe this is what I have made of my life. It’s like it just happens. I don’t think about it. I don’t wake up and say I am going to hurt someone today. God, all I want is to be loved and cared for and I keep destroying those chances. The pain I feel is to much to take anymore. I’m afraid for myself, and the ones I have hurt.
I know I am a good person inside. I feel her pain and the pain of the others I have hurt. I want to be better. For the first time ever, I want to make my life mean something. I want to give back to the people who have trusted me and believed in me, when all I ever did was lie. Change must happen today, or I am done.
Why am I am monster when all I ever wanted to be was something beautiful to the world?
