by Band Back Together | Jun 24, 2011 | Anger, Breast Cancer, Cancer and Neoplasia, Caregiver, Coping With Cancer, Family, Feelings, Guilt, Stress, Trauma, Trust |
i’ve written before about my love hate relationship with the pump… well, mostly about the hate portion. its rhythmic sucking makes me sing little songs to its always irritating tempo. then they mix around with the gymboree songs already stuck in my head. then i realize how badly i really do need the prozac and ativan.
i don’t know for sure how long it’s going to last. i’m trying to be realistic about the prospect of having cancer, undergoing chemo and pumping for (hopefully only) six months. it’s kind of like starting out nursing. i tried to limit my expectations of myself. i said i’d aim for six months and then see if i could go for a year. that seemed ridiculously long to me at the time, much like pumping for six months does now. but a year came and went and well, here we are.
my husband, nugget daddy, stayed down at my parents’ last night so nugget and i have been left to fend for ourselves for the majority of the past two days, save for a playdate and lasagna drop off yesterday afternoon.
i didn’t get to pump at all yesterday. i can’t pump in front of my daughter, nugget. that would be like asking your pregnant best friend to take you to happy hour. i meant to pump last night once she went to sleep, but i fell asleep, too. my boobs had been angry ever since.
nugget likes to have her naps with me, but this limits my options for the duration of naptime as to what i can actually accomplish with twenty pounds of sleeping toddler strapped to my chest, lovely though as she feels snuggled against me. her grandmamie puts her to sleep in the stroller and i bribed her into it with chocolate chips this afternoon so i could pump, finally, and subsequently blog about it. lucky you!
i was so angry the first few times i pumped after starting chemo. it was like rubbing salt in the wounds. i couldn’t nurse nugget and i had to stand uncomfortably in the bathroom watching my milk fill up plastic bottles instead of a happy baby. and then as i would dump the ounces of heartache down the sink a new wound would appear like a gaping mouth to catch my salty tears and sting my aching soul. what a waste.
you won’t find much if you google “cancer” and “breastfeeding” except for articles about nursing after breast cancer. “chemo” and “breastfeeding” yields the same contraindication tagline over and over, and “cancer” and “breastmilk” mostly just points you to article after article about this guy who drank breastmilk to fight his prostate cancer. those, mostly sensational and local news, articles mention milk banks selling milk to cancer patients when they have excess available to sell. it costs $3 an ounce.
i’ve had plenty of time to think about that guy and those $3 ounces while making up songs to the pump’s rhythm and calculating how much i’d just poured down the drain. warning! here comes the crunchy freaky part. squee! maybe you want to stop reading, uptight next door neighbor guy or old school grandpa, maybe there’s a golf game you’d rather be watching. okay, so seriously, why the fuck would i want to keep dumping my milk down the drain when other cancer patients are paying good money to get their hands on it? i don’t know what exactly it might do for me, but it sure won’t be doing anything at the bottom of the sink that’s for sure. so i sucked it up and sucked it down.
it was sort of gross at first, though why exactly i’m not sure. i think it was the temperature. i can’t think of any beverage i regularly consume at body temperature. but now i’m used to it and pleased by thought that i might actually be doing something to help save my own life.
so, now i have a new goal. i want to pump twice a day for the whole six months, or however long it might be. i know i might get sick. i know i might have to stop if i do. but if i approach it the way i did breastfeeding, then maybe i can make it through. maybe if i tell all of you about my plan then i’ll be hell-bent on reaching my goal. maybe some mother out there trolling the interwebs for a glimmer of hope will find my blog now, instead of all the other useless crap i found.
by Band Back Together | Dec 21, 2010 | Coping With Depression, Faith, Forgiveness, Major Depressive Disorder, Trust |
As I’ve been reading through a number of the posts and comments here on BBT, I’ve been struck by the number of people who use faith and religion as a source of healing and inspiration. I also sense there might be people struggling despite this quality.
I hope this message comes across with the simple, positive intention with which I write it.
It’s OK if you DON’T have faith.
I was born and raised/indoctrinated Roman Catholic. I had the simple, uncomplicated trust in the doctrine and the stories that any child has, because I–like all children–was incapable of taking them at anything but face value.
But my life experiences and my questioning nature have destroyed not only my belief in Catholicism, but in the existence of a God, as well. The older I got, the more the placid off-the-shelf answers of the clergy rang hollow and hypocritical. I found honesty in those who admitted to now knowing all the answers, rather than trying to rationalize why the real world doesn’t always follow dogma. As comedian Julia Sweeney put it so elegantly, the universe functions exactly as you would expect if there were no God.
To some, this is a nihilistic statement, but to a skeptic, it is a positive affirmation in which we take strength. And–are you ready for this? Brace yourselves–I’m MORE at peace now than I was when I believed in God.
Now that I have left behind a belief system that did not work for me (and has failed countless others throughout the centuries), I now turn to means of self-healing that actually WORK.
I no longer see depression, self-loathing, and shame as the reaped harvest of sown sins. I see them as medical and psychological problems for which there is medicine and counseling available. Whenever I do wrong to another person, I no longer seek the sanctity of the confessional; I seek that person’s forgiveness. It’s more satisfying. I never did find comfort in prayer, especially Catholic prayer (every time I hear the word “rosary,” my eyes glaze over). Instead, I find great peace in the meditative and physiological healing of exercise, namely cycling and, more recently, running. I no longer seek answers in an ancient text which cannot provide them. I seek comfort in my great friends.
The stories I have read on this site have moved me sincerely to tears. I admire the resiliency of those who have overcome trials that would have broken me. To those who are struggling, I have a simple plea: take comfort in good people. It is the most soothing formula I have ever found.
Peace.
by Band Back Together | Dec 11, 2010 | Infidelity, Jealousy, Stress, Trauma, Trust |
There is nothing worse than knowing that the man you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with has betrayed you.
I still have the wrath of a betrayed woman.
You see, I’ve been through more than one betrayal. I’ve experienced one too many affairs in my short marriage, but I have managed to rebuild that broken trust over and over again. I have forgotten the pain over and over until one day it’s all too late and everything finally shatters to pieces.
Now I can smile. I am thankful that after nearly 7 months of trying to find a job after leaving the corporate world, after moving halfway across the world to be with that man with whom I thought was going to grow old with, I can finally smile again.
But tucked inside me is that bitter feeling that still pops up once in awhile.
There are always those little things that kick me in the gut. Things hurt like seeing other mixed couples and the way I seethe with jealousy inside thinking, “Let’s see how long this guy will stay faithful to his wife,” to a simple song that used to be ‘ours’ or just going to the places we went as a family.
Memories have been shattered. Dreams that were never fulfilled. A son lost the family he know. Broken and bruised – that’s how I still feel underneath all my smiles and laughter.
The pain is so unbearable sometimes that even when I think that I’m used to it, it sneaks in on me and ambushes me when I least expect it.
When I look at those young girls clinging to their boyfriends, I wonder how many of these guys ditched their families the way mine did. It pains me to see how some women have no respect whatsoever for themselves or their children.
How could he walk out on my son and I? The two who have been there for him? Granted, I wasn’t eligible for Wife Of The Year, but I did try my hardest and bent over backwards to save what was left of the marriage. Yet when I think about how one-sided the ‘repair work’ was or how much he had mentally checked himself out, I was left with no more strength.
My heart breaks for my son who hasn’t seen his father in months. His father is too drunk from lust for this much-younger woman so he never even calls his son. In the past 8 months, he has only called his son once and that’s because I begged him to.
Being betrayed by my husband with a younger woman felt like a slap! It crushed my self-esteem.
If she was beautiful maybe that would be a different story, but she will always be ugly in my eyes, not only because of her looks but because of her behaviors. She knew he was married and still went after him. She’s milking him like there’s no tomorrow, from having him pay for her online school, to opening up an online travel business, down to paying to set up her business website. He did it all while he said he couldn’t spare any money to pay for my son’s preschool.
If she was smart, maybe that would be a different story but it felt like a yet another blow reading her poorly constructed, doesn’t-even-make-any-sense English. How on Earth are they communicating? Is he able to carry out the same kind of discussions he and I used to?
It wasn’t until one of my close friends told me that he’s not looking for someone beautiful or smart. He picked someone who is much less than me so he could feel superior. It feeds his ego. Is that true? I don’t know. All I know is she’s a much younger girl, almost young enough to be his daughter and she’s single. She’s also tiny and petite!
But knowing how he had repeatedly cheated on me and on his first wife (yes, I called the ex and we compared stories which were shockingly similar) then it’s only a matter of time before he gets the itch to cheat again. This time, I will not fall victim!
It may take years to really mend myself from within, but I’ll take that road rather than driving myself to the loony bin with all the lies and deceptions.
by Band Back Together | Nov 27, 2010 | Bullying, Emotional Abuse, Feelings, Trust |
I have trust issues. I have issues with everything from trusting family to trusting people too easily to others using my words against me. To say that I have trouble finding friends is an understatement. I like to think I’ve finally learned my lesson.
I had a therapist, but it got to where every session was just a discussion of my week, not dealing with any true issues. Then, I made a new friend. And while I didn’t trust her immediately, over time she gained my trust, which is great, right? So, that was among the reasons I decided to part ways with my therapist. And everything was dandy for a while. I trust my friend with a lot of stuff. She’s a great listener, and I listen whenever she needs to sound off.
You know when something happens for someone else, and while it hurts like hell for you, you have to be happy for them? You are happy for them and you just tuck the hurt away, because they didn’t purposely hurt you – life happens, it moves on even when you don’t feel it. My friend moved a few hours away. Better job, happier days, and I’m glad for her, but I miss her. Yes, we have e-mail, Facebook, etc., but it’s not the same.
Another good friend who was an online pal is taking some personal time, so she’s not in contact.
It’s just difficult for me to trust people, and it makes me feel stuck. I’d like to think I can find new friends, but I don’t really know what I want.
How do you make friends? How do you figure out who’s worth your time and vice versa?
by Band Back Together | Sep 30, 2010 | Child Abuse, Coping With Domestic Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Economic Abuse, Emotional Boundaries, Infidelity, Psychological Manipulation, Trust |
Once upon a time I could forgive anyone of anything.
Hell, I forgave my first husband when he tried to kill our then five month old (after he’d completed his jail time, and I’d received counseling).
My best friend had sex with my boyfriend? Everyone makes mistakes right?
My sister drained my bank account. Well, these things happen.
But I don’t want to have to forgive you.
I lived through two years of our relationship and all of the bad things that it caused me.
You left me countless times. I begged you to stay. You finally came home and asked me to marry you. I said yes. If I’d known about her then, I would have run over your foot in the driveway as I left.
We got married. I didn’t tell anyone, because no one but me seemed to understand that you HAD changed. No one supported this relationship. My own mother didn’t even find out until a few months later.
Eleven days after we got married, you went back across the country to her. You said things were too hard here. What you meant was that I wanted you to work because it wasn’t fair that I had two jobs. She could support you (or rather her daddy could). You could drink and smoke pot all night with her. I expect you to be clean and sober. Yeah, I guess I could see how that would be hard for you.
While you were gone, I lost the house. My mom took the kids back to her house because I couldn’t work 70 + hours a week and still remember how to make lunches in the morning. I cried every minute of every day, and organized a way to kill myself.
Then you called me and said that you missed me and wanted to come home. So I dropped the $350 to fly you back from Seattle. We decided to make a go of it and told the kids that you were home and everything was fine.
And everything was fine. I’d started opening my heart again, believing that you were honest with me and that you loved me and things would work out.
Until she e-mailed me… She’s pregnant. It’s yours. Your first biological child is due on my birthday. How sweet. You told me that you used protection with her. You said it was safe, that she was on the pill. You SWORE to me that she was out of our lives FOREVER. And now I find out that I have to deal with her and her spawn for the rest of my life?
You say I’m supposed to be the bigger person? How do I explain to my kids that their “dad” has a kid from another woman. Who will be born the month before our first wedding anniversary? How do I tell my son that it’s NOT okay for a man to treat a woman this way? How do I show my daughters that this is NOT what a good relationship is?
Oh that’s right… By being the bigger person and forgiving you.
Silly me, how could I forget?
