I’m planning on leaving my husband.
I’m running away.
Last night, after an especially bad fight, I was talking to one of my best friends. I told him what the fight was about (husband got upset at me because I was on my phone while he was asleep) and I told him that it’s my fault, because I’m such a bad wife.
My friend got mad at me. I mean, really angry, and I couldn’t understand why. He told me to search the term BWS. He said that he thinks that I have battered woman syndrome. But you see, it’s rare that my husband actually hits me. Generally he just throws verbal punches.
Since the day we met, something about this man has made me bend over backwards for him. I let go of long time friends (because he didn’t like them), I turned my back on family (because he said that he was my family now), I missed my little brother’s funeral (he thought it would be a bad idea for me to go back home by myself and wouldn’t take me).
He screamed at me and told me I was worthless, and I cried and begged him to give me another chance, because I CAN BE BETTER.
Let me give you some background information on me. Up until I met my husband my friends called me CK, or Cowboy Killer. I had a bad reputation for taking a man and turning him inside out.
Not because I was mean, because I wouldn’t be. But because they all usually told me they loved me within a week or two and then I’d have to let them go. CK rule # 1 is don’t get attached to me. Rule # 2 is I don’t take shit so back the eff off. So when my friends saw the little things that he started off doing to me, they were baffled.
To say the least, I’ve let this man run my life. Deep down there is a little voice in my cold empty heart that says that he is wrong and bad.
But everything else inside of me screams that this is my fault. After he hits me, he says things like “I didn’t hit you that hard, you must bruise easily” or “I didn’t push you that hard, you threw yourself” or “Baby I’m sorry, but you just shouldn’t push me like that”.
A few months ago he put me in the hospital because I said “I hate you” after I found out that he was cheating on me, again.
But the making up… I live for the making up. He is so sweet, and he tells me that I’m beautiful and he loves me and that he’ll change. He asks me to just stick it out, because he knows that he can be better. But a week later it’s back and worse than ever.
When he broke my nose last month another good friend offered to pay for me and my children to move back up north (my homeland) and live with him. He offered me a job in his company and a safe place for my kids and I to live, complete with 2 puppies and a fenced in back yard. I told him at the time that I would think about it.
Last night I did a lot of thinking. And a lot of web searching. Did you know that my husband matches almost every single sign of being a sociopath?
Manipulation? Check. This is the same man that says I force him to treat me this way because of the things I do, like buy myself a coffee with my money.
Lack of remorse? Yeah, we already went over that one.
Poor behavioral controls resulting in acts of rage? Mmhmm.
Promiscuity? LOLZ. This is the same man who has NO IDEA how many women he’s slept with. Since we started dating I know of at least 8.
Parasitic lifestyle? If you’ve read any of my other entries here on BB2G you would know that for the last two years I’ve supported him financially.
Apparently the sociopath’s main goal in life is to create a willing victim. That’s been me for two years. And I think I’m done. I sent an email to my friend, asking if I could still come up. I won’t tell my husband.
But I’m scared. I’m scared of taking my kids up to PA and worrying about whether I can support them. I’m scared that I won’t be strong enough to say no when my husband begs me to come home. I’m scared that all of this is in my head, and maybe I am the crazy one. I’m scared that he’ll find us.
But it’s what I have to do, right?
Because I can’t continue to live this way, right?
*On a side note, thank you all, for being the people that you are. Sometimes I just read over the comments that you leave and I cry and wish that I had people like you actually in my life. Thank you for trying to help me see the bright side, and for telling me that it will get better. A million times over, thank you…
Prankster, there’s no such thing as “abuse light” or “a little abuse.” Your husband is abusive. That’s not a question. The question is, “do you want to take it?”
You know that the answer is no. You don’t deserve it. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. Nobody.
You are loved. We will be here for you no matter what.
Whatever you do, please be safe. PLEASE.
Run girl run. Run in the other direction from him, don’t take his calls, don’t give him any idea of where you are. Run girl run, you can do it and you deserve for yourself to do it. Don’t worry about the how, that will work itself out!
As Becky said we are all here!
There are resources to help you support your children if you need them, the damage that living in this type of household will do to them is much harder to undo. They deserve better than this, you deserve better than this and I hope you get out.
Your story rings so true with mine. While I didn’t marry the person, he seems to be the exact same type of person I let control me for the better part of two and a half years.
You are better than that, and deep down, I think you finally are realizing that. Good for you. I am sending all good vibes your way that you get yourself to a better situation and start taking care of yourself and your kids FIRST.
Hang in there. It’s not easy, but you can do it. I’m sure of it.
wish I could tell you that I can help support you and your children. I can’t – I’m having enough trouble supporting my own family financially.
What I can give you, though, is the emotional support you need to GTFO. I’ve been abused like that. I’ve been verbally and physically beaten to the point of passivity. Why should I leave -this is what I deserve. I DID leave… but my self-worth still hasn’t fully recovered.
If you move up to PA, there are people who will help you. People who will support you. People who will try to rebuild your sense of self. I’m in NJ. I’ll help in any way I can.
It *will* get better, and you CAN do this. You are a strong, beautiful woman and you deserve so much better.
I’m in PA. I don’t know where you’d be going in PA, but if it’s in my neck of the woods I would be happy to do whatever I could to help you when you get here.
I’ve been there a couple of times. One time I ended up spending a week in a women’s shelter. Another time I just gutted it out until I could move out. Both times my self esteem took a huge hit and I really believed that I was as awful as they told me. But I wasn’t and you’re not. And you don’t deserve to be treated that way. I’m sending you mental hugs. You have the strength to get away because you’ve had the strength to survive. If you leave now, we’ll love and support you. And if you don’t leave now, we’ll still all love and support you anyway.
Leave. Pack up, pack the kids and leave. Take what you need and get the hell out of there. I can relate to you. I know what you are going through.
I’m going to give you two reasons why:
1) YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED THIS WAY.
And if that is not enough for you:
2) YOUR KIDS DESERVE A BETTER LIFE.
You can get your old life back. Even if you think you can’t, you can. I did. You will, too. All the making up in the world does not make up for the way you have been treated. YOU ARE WORTH MORE.
It’s ok to be scared. It might be tough getting back on your feet, but you have suffered through worse. People will come to your aid like you could never imagine. Being scared of succeeding is a billion times better than being scared of him. YOU KNOW THIS.
YOU CAN DO IT.
There’s a quote that I run through my head when I’m terrified. It’s from Sally Hogshead about career, but it’s good for anything: “Leap and a net will find you.”
Every single one of us has put up with something we haven’t because the unknown was scarier than the awful. But the good thing is that you’re smart, you’re brave and you’re a mama, so you know you have to get out, if not for you, for them and for everyone they’ll love in their lifetimes.
This is the first time I’ve ever commented here, but as someone who watched my mother go from fierce and wonderful to victim and then become a victim of the same violence myself, please please please trust your instincts and get out.
Know you are loved.
Know your kids deserve love.
Do what’s best for you and your kids, and know you’re doing what’s right.
Honey, you have an amazing opportunity! I wish you the best of luck. You sound like a wonderful person and you have a stronger supporter that will help you transition out of it. Your children will just be happy that you are happy and healthy. Go. You have lots of people praying, and cheering you on.
Wow…95% of what you described is what I went through. I went through it for almost 6 years before I left. I’ve been out of it for 16 months. And life is fantastic. I have three children and I was scared just like you are. But you have to take that step. For yourself and for your kids. And at first, you may think you’re making a mistake. You probably will think that. But within a month or two, you’ll stop living on edge. You’ll be able to breathe normally again. Granted, it’s a new normal. Mine all seems like a bad dream now. You’re family will be more than happy to help you. Use your support system. Use your resources. And remember that it’s not just for you, it’s also for your kids. Your babies can not grow up thinking that what they see him do to you is normal. Good luck.
Get out. You are strong and you can do it. Your kids deserve better and you deserve bette
Sometimes I just read over the comments that you leave and I cry and wish that I had people like you actually in my life.
You *do* have people like us in your life. You might not be able to touch us, but we are here.
On December 4th, I will celebrate my 1-year anniversary of my leap into the unknown. I took my 13-year old son and left a husband with a 6-figure income, a half-million dollar home and just about everything worth monetary value inside that home (including most of my clothes).
I was able to take out an employee loan for $1000 to cover a portion of my 1st month’s rent and deposit. I wrote a bad check to cover the cost of a U-Haul truck. I didn’t even have enough money to buy groceries (thank goodness for a dear friend who is involved with our local food pantry who was able to deliver emergency supplies to get us through that first week).
It’s been a difficult and emotionally overwhelming year. In January I had to file bankruptcy. My son is now attending a therapeutic day school to address (in part) his emotional needs from the abuse (physical and emotional) he received from his step father. I have had to get food from a food pantry 4 times this year. I purchase monthly food boxes from Angel Food Ministries (an non-profit agency that offers low cost food boxes on a monthly basis) I make too much money to qualify for social programs, but often have to choose between buying food or doing laundry.
And you know what? I am SO GLAD I did it!
You will be too, when you make the decision to go.
It will be hard. You will get lonely. You will grieve the life/relationship you thought you were going to have. You may have to ask strangers for help. It will be humbling and at time embarrassing.
And it will be worth every moment of struggle.
You can do this! You know it’s the right thing to d
You and your kids deserve to feel safe and loved.
You deserve better… your children deserve better. You can leave and live the incredible life you were meant to live. I wish you luck and send you strength and virtual hugs.
Oh, hon… be safe. Protect yourself and the children. You deserve a better life and will get it. We’re pulling for you and are HERE for you. Keep us posted.
It’s going to be hard, but it’s worth it. Also when you get to where you are going to be, file a restraining order against him, and then the real hell will begin. But know that there is an end in sight.
Bravo for choosing yourself and your children.
It took me many years to come to grip about my choices, but the one thing I’ll never regret is leaving him.
don’t have any better advice than what’s been given so far, but I just wanted to post to let you know that someone else out there is thinking of you, praying for you, and believing in you. YOU CAN DO THIS AND YOU ARE WORTH IT!
there is nothing for me to add here except a huge hug, love, support..whatever i can send over cyberspace to let you know that you are not alone and you WILL be ok.
I’ve never been in your situation but as I read I think of my sister and her kids and I hope that she would go, too, if she found herself here. Go. We will be here to help you through it.
Stay safe. Keep your head high
Girl, you are luckier than some in that you have someone offering you everything you need to get you away from this horrible situation. Don’t take that for granted. If not for you, take your kids away from it. It will only harm them if you stay.
If you need someone to tell you everyday that you deserve better and that you’re not crazy and that this is NOT your fault, let me know. Give me your phone number and I will call you every day and tell you. I don’t mind, in fact I’d love to be able to do that for you. You matter, your kids matter, and you need to show your kids that they matter. Equally as important: you need to show your kids that YOU matter. Set the example! Get yourself and kids away from this guy and you and your kids will start to heal, I promise.
Like I said, call me or email me if you need someone to tell you these things daily. If that’s what it takes, I’m signing up!
Be well, love.
Praying for wisdom and strength as you make this change in your life. You and your children deserve a life full of love, not abuse. Please be careful as you plan your escape. As far as worrying about you having the strength and resources to provide for your kids: it sounds as if you have a wonderful circle of supportive friends/family and I don’t question your strength at all. We woman are AMAZINGLY strong when we need to be! God bless.
I’m also in PA, and if you’re going to be anywhere near Erie, I’m available for coffee, phone calls, hugs, and various other stuff if that would help. Huge hugs, please get yourself to safety, for you and your children.
The choice you are making now, shows strength, courage, and conviction. You will be glad of your decision, for you, and your kids. You have a great friend that is offering help. I am glad to see you are taking it.
You are not alone. There are some incredible people here, on BBT. People that truly care. People that will be supportive, and listen, and offer whatever they can. My heart goes out to you. Be strong.
Sending you rays of light to chase the dark away