by Band Back Together | Apr 10, 2010 | Baby Loss, Child Loss, Coping With Baby Loss, Coping With Losing A Child, Grief, Help For Grief And Grieving, Loss |
wet, hot, sobs. these are the tears i cry when i’m alone. unrestrained wails and moans for my babies.
but when i’m around others i clench up, hold my tears in. my eyes and my throat burn with restraint. my heart screams louder than my voice could ever take me. when does it end?
never, friends. this is my life. i must live forever knowing that those beautiful girls i planned and hoped and lived and labored for were never meant to dwell in my arms or my home. the pain is still becoming real, and i hurt so much more that i ever knew i could.
my heart their crib, my memories their own. this is all they have, all they were. they are at once the light of my world and the heavy weight i carry. they are my everything but if i did not write their story, they would be nothing to you or to the world. me and T’s little sad story, our beloved secret, our greatest pain and joy and grace.
this conflict of love, this hostile daydream of wonder and ruin has me at a loss. where am i and where in the world do i go from here? i didn’t ever think i would live in a world where babies die, freshly born, pink and lovely, die. born of me but not mine to keep.
by Band Back Together | Jan 20, 2010 | Uncategorized |
sometimes it’s hard to believe all that has happened.
only three short months ago, i gave birth to two baby girls who were too small and too beautiful for this world. i know this to be a fact and i have evidence…
- i have a little pink urn.
- i have sympathy cards.
- i have an obituary.
- i have two holes in my heart.
but sometimes, when i think about the specifics of what happened, it doesn’t seem real.
the doctors and nurses were wonderful. they answered all of our questions and they comforted us through it all.
“they have to be a certain size for the tubes to fit…20 weeks is just too early”
“they will not be able to open their eyes”
“if they survive the delivery? not long, honey. maybe a minute”
“i baptize you in the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit”
i remember these voices in my head like it was yesterday.
but my babies, oh, they are slipping away. it’s been years since i held them, inhaled the sweet smell of their skin and kissed little velvety faces. we saw how ayla joy looked like her daddy and juliet grace looked like her mommy. we were mesmerized by them.
and then they had to go.
i held them every day of their lives.
by Band Back Together | Feb 29, 2008 | Anger, How To Help A Friend With Infertility, Infertility, IUI, Sadness, Shame, Stress, Trauma |
baker baker baking a cake
make me a day
make me whole again
and i wonder what’s in a day
what’s in your cake this time”
Infertility has forever changed the fundamentals of my being. Almost two years have passed since I suffered through the last of my IVF cycles. Physically, my body seems to have recovered from that violation. Emotionally, I am damaged beyond repair. I mourn the loss of that whole, hopeful person I once was. Even though he’d never admit it, I’ve also crushed my husband’s dreams of normalcy. I can’t help but wonder how many maybe babies there were that we never knew, that never stood a chance. I’m heartbroken for my friends who are still fighting the uphill battle towards motherhood and those who are suffocating under the crushing weight of loss.
Maybe today I’ll file away some of my bitterness and anger. So much of it I carry around in secret. After all, I have my beautiful, perfect little girl here in my arms. What about my friends who don’t? Don’t they better deserve to wear their heartache like a badge of honor? Aren’t I supposed to just get over it and just be happy? I want to, but I know I never will.
by Band Back Together | Feb 9, 2008 | Addiction, Alcohol Addiction, Anger, Cirrhosis, Coping With Losing A Friend, Grief, Loss, Sadness |
One of my oldest friends died last night.
She died and I am angry.
I want to kick the dog. I want to scream at the baby. I want to pull out my hair and punch holes in the walls. I want to ram my car into something, anything. I want to choke the birds who are singing and tell the Universe to fuck off because how dare it be a sunny and beautiful day today. How dare the world keep spinning now that two little boys are to grow up without a mother. I have this untapped chasm of rage that I didn’t know I could possibly feel.
I’ve never felt so angry in my entire life.
My oldest friend died last night.
She was 26.
