Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families

by Band Back Together | Dec 11, 2018

*Note, often the term addict and dysfunctional parent are used interchangeably. 

What Is A Dysfunctional Family?

A good way to begin this page is to learn what a dysfunction family is. If you were or are a part of a dysfunctional family, define it in your terms first.

Many of the dysfunctional family problems are hard to define, as it’s normal for you; you may not see that your family is dysfunction. You may know that something isn’t quite right, but may be unable to determine what it is.

The Medical Dictionary of the Free Dictionary defines ‘ dysfunctional family’ like this:

“A family with multiple ‘internal’ – e.g., sibling rivalries, parent-child – conflicts, domestic violence, mental illness, single parenthood, or ‘external’ – e.g., alcohol or drug abuse, extramarital affairs, gambling, unemployment – influences that affect the basic needs of the family unit.”

The main things to remember about this definition are that there are multiple negative influences and that they affect basic needs. This is what separates families with minor dysfunction from those where family dysfunction is a serious problem.

The term “adult child” is used to describe adults who grew up in alcoholic or dysfunctional homes and who exhibit identifiable traits that reveal past abuse or neglect. The group includes adults raised in homes without the presence of alcohol or drugs.

If you grew up in a family with a chemically dependent, mentally ill, or abusive parent, you know how hard it is — and you know that everyone in the family is affected, some more than others. Over time, the family begins to revolve around maintaining the status quo – the dysfunction.

Rigid family rules and family roles develop in dysfunctional families that help maintain the dysfunctional family system and allow the addict to keep using or the abuser to keep abusing.

Understanding some of the family rules that dominate dysfunctional families can help us to break free of these patterns and rebuild our self-esteem and form healthier relationships.

There are many types and degrees of dysfunction in families. For the purposes of this article, the defining feature of a dysfunctional family is that its members experience repetitive trauma.

The types of traumatic childhood experiences are called Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) and they include experiencing any of the following during your childhood:

• Physical abuse
• Sexual abuse
• Emotional abuse
• Physical neglect
• Emotional neglect
• Witnessing domestic violence
• A parent or close family member who is an alcoholic or addict
• A parent or close family member who is mentally ill
• Parents who are separated or divorced
• A parent or close family member being incarcerated

What Are Adverse Childhood Experience Scores (ACE Scores)?

Take the ACE Test Here.

There are 10 types of childhood trauma measured in the ACE Study. Five are personal — physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, physical neglect, and emotional neglect.

Five are related to other family members: a parent who’s an alcoholic, a parent who’s a victim of domestic violence, a family member in jail, a family member diagnosed with a mental illness, and the disappearance of a parent through divorce, death or abandonment.

Each type of trauma counts as one. So a person who’s been physically abused, with one alcoholic parent, and a mother who was beaten up has an ACE score of three.

There are, of course, many other types of childhood trauma — racism, bullying, watching a sibling being abused, losing a caregiver (grandmother, mother, grandfather), homelessness, surviving and recovering from a severe accident, witnessing a father being abused by a mother, witnessing a grandmother abusing a father, involvement with the foster care system, involvement with the juvenile justice system, ad infinitum.

The ACE Study included only those 10 childhood traumas because these were mentioned as most common by a group of about 300 Kaiser members; those traumas were also well studied individually in the research literature.

The most important thing to remember is that the ACE score is meant as a guideline: Experiencing other types of toxic stress over months or years would would likely increase your risk of health consequences.

At the same time that the ACE Study was being done, parallel research on kids’ brains found that toxic stress physically damages a child’s developing brain. This was determined by a group of neuroscientists and pediatricians, including neuroscientist Martin Teicher and pediatrician Jack Shonkoff, both at Harvard University, child psychiatrist Bruce McEwen at Rockefeller University, and pediatrician Bruce Perry at the Child Trauma Academy.

When children are overloaded with stress hormones, they’re in flight, fright or freeze mode. They can’t learn in school. They often have difficulty trusting adults or developing healthy relationships with peers (i.e., they become loners).

To relieve their anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, and/or inability to focus, they turn to easily available biochemical solutions — nicotine, alcohol, marijuana, methamphetamines, pills — or other activities in which they can escape their problems — high-risk sports, proliferation of sex partners, and work/over-achievement. (e.g. Nicotine reduces anger, increases focus and relieves depression. Alcohol relieves stress.)

Using drugs or overeating or engaging in risky behavior leads to consequences as a direct result of this behavior. For example, smoking can lead to COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) or lung cancer. Overeating can lead to obesity and diabetes. In addition, there is increasing research that shows that severe and chronic stress leads to bodily systems producing an inflammatory response that leads to disease.

In addition, dysfunctional childhoods are incredibly expensive:

The breakdown per child is:

• $32,648 in childhood health care costs
• $10,530 in adult medical costs
• $144,360 in productivity losses
• $7,728 in child welfare costs
• $6,747 in criminal justice costs
• $7,999 in special education costs

Fortunately, brains and lives are somewhat plastic. The appropriate integration of resilience factors born out of ACE concepts — such as asking for help, developing trusting relationships, forming a positive attitude, listening to feelings — can help people improve their lives.

Source: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Credit: Robert Wood Johnson Foundation

What Is Resilience?

Adversity is only one part of the equation. Many children with high ACE scores have their own characteristics and experiences that protect them and help them develop resilience despite exposure to ACEs. Resilience is positive adaptation within the context of significant adversity.

In the face of adversity, neither resilience nor disease is a certain outcome.

Resilience is the result of a dynamic set of interactions between a person’s adverse experiences and their own protective factors. This interaction is what determines the developmental path towards health and well–being or towards illness and dysfunction.

No child is magically resilient or invulnerable to ACEs, just as no child is automatically doomed in the face of ACEs.

These protective factors can include a person’s own biological and developmental characteristics. Protective factors can also include characteristics of the family, community, and systems that mitigate the negative impacts of ACEs. Protective factors help explain how some people who have sustained a great deal of adversity as children have fared relatively well in adulthood.

The presence of protective factors, particularly safe, stable, and nurturing relationships, can often remove the consequences of ACEs. People, families, and communities can all influence the development of many protective factors throughout a child’s life that can impact their development.

How does resilience develop?

Well, there are multiple pathways to resilience. Resilience researchers continue to refine understanding about supporting resilience.

There is agreement about a variety of important individual, family and community conditions that support resilience. Here is a list of protective factors:

• Close relationships with competent caregivers or other caring adults
• Parent resilience
• Caregiver knowledge and application of positive parenting skills
• Identifying and cultivating a sense of purpose (faith, culture, identity)
• Personal developmental competencies (problem solving skills, self–regulation, agency)
• Children’s social and emotional health
• Social connections
• Socioeconomic advantages and concrete support for parents and families
• Communities and social systems that support health and development, and nurture human capital

Protective factors often help a child feel safe more quickly after experiencing the toxic stress of ACEs and help to neutralize the physical changes that naturally occur during and after trauma.

If the child’s protective networks are in good working order, development is strong even in the face of severe adversity.

If these major systems are impaired, before or after the ACE, then the risk for developmental problems is much greater. This is particularly true if the environmental hazards are prolonged.

The research currently states that even the negative consequences of toxic stress from ACEs can be buffered with the support of caring, competent adults and appropriate intervention and support.

What It’s Like Growing Up In A Dysfunctional Home:

Dysfunctional families tend to be unpredictable, chaotic, and frightening for children.

Children feel safe when they can count on their caregivers to consistently meet their physical needs (food, shelter, protecting them from physical abuse or harm) and emotional needs (noticing their feelings, comforting them when they’re distressed). Often, this doesn’t happen in dysfunctional families because parents don’t fulfill their basic responsibilities to provide for, protect, and nurture their children. Instead, one of the children must take on these adult responsibilities at an early age.

Children also need structure and routine to feel safe; they need to know what to expect. But in dysfunctional families, children’s needs are often neglected or disregarded and there aren’t clear rules or realistic expectations. Sometimes there are overly harsh or arbitrary rules and other times there is little supervision and no rules or guidelines for the children.

In addition, children often experience their parents’ behavior as erratic or unpredictable. They feel like they have to walk on eggshells in their own home for fear of upsetting their parents or unleashing their parent’s’ rage and abuse. For example, children in dysfunctional families often describe feeling anxious about coming home from school because they don’t know what they will find.

In dysfunctional families, adults tend to be so preoccupied with their own problems and pain that they don’t give their children what they need and crave – consistency, safety, unconditional love. As a result, children feel highly stressed, anxious, and unlovable.

You feel unimportant and unworthy

Quite simply, dysfunctional families don’t know how to deal with feelings in healthy ways. Parents who are dealing with their own problems or are taking care of (often enabling) an addicted or dysfunctional partner, don’t have the time, energy, or emotional intelligence to pay attention to, value, and support their children’s feelings. The result is Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). Children experience this as my feelings don’t matter, so I don’t matter. Obviously, this damages a child’s self-esteem and causes them to feel unimportant and unworthy of love and attention.

Children in dysfunctional families don’t learn how to notice, value, and attend to their own feelings either. Instead, their focus is on noticing and managing other people’s feelings – their safety often depends on it. Some children become highly attuned to how their parents are behaving so they can try to avoid their wrath. For example, a young child might learn to hide under the bed whenever mom and dad start arguing or a child might learn that consoling mom after that argument earns her mom’s affection. So, children learn to tune into other people’s feelings and suppress their own, which can lead to major problems later in life.

In addition to ignoring a child’s emotional needs, parents can also damage a child’s self-esteem with derogatory names and harsh criticism. Young children believe what their parents tell them. So, if your father called you stupid, you believed it. As we get older and spend more time away from our parents, we begin to question some of the negative things we were told as children.

However, it’s amazing how much of it sticks with us even as adults. The emotional sting of hurtful words and derogatory messages stays with us even when we logically know we aren’t stupid, bad, or unlovable.

Why Is There Major Dysfunction in Some Families and Not in Others?

The specific reasons for major family dysfunction are as numerous as the families that experience it. The following categories may help you understand more about why your family was majorly dysfunction.

Addictions

When a parent or guardian is addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, or anything else, the family suffers. Codependence can change the way you relate to each other, causing family members to focus on the addiction and the addict – and not on the suffering of their children. When the addiction is severe enough, it can eat up all the family’s financial and emotional resources. Even the most mentally healthy people are extremely challenged when there’s an addict in the family. Those who have even the slightest mental health issues tend to become sicker.

Family History of Dysfunction

People tend to learn their parenting styles from their parents or other caregivers. If their parents abused them, they may abuse their children. Or, they may go overboard the other direction, being unnecessarily lenient. They may manipulate each other and their children as their parents did. They may not truly understand how to teach their children in healthy ways.

The good news for people who grew up in a dysfunctional family is that they can learn better ways of parenting. They can deal with the issues they still carry as adults and learn how to love, appreciate, respect, and deal with each other on a less emotional, erratic way. All they need is the willingness to do the work it takes to overcome those issues and find someone to teach them better ways to parent.

Life Situations

It’s hard to imagine having a life that doesn’t include some stressors. In fact, psychologists know that a certain amount of stress can be healthy, pushing you to keep reaching for greater things in your life. However, when life’s uncontrollable circumstances jeopardize your family’s security and well-being, the stress can cause family members to lash out at each other in frustration. We all want to have a happy, peaceful life. The reality is that isn’t always easy. When this happens, children often become overlooked.

Medical Problems

Physical illness alone does not cause family dysfunction. However, it can make life much harder for everyone concerned. Parents sometimes rely on their children to do things they would ordinarily do for themselves, causing them intense anxiety and sometimes depression. If one child is ill, the other children may feel neglected as you focus all your energy on helping that one child.

You may not have had any control over the illness that puts such strain on your family, but you can control your actions, learn to use the resources available to you, and meet your children’s needs. Medical problems present a tremendous challenge, but with the right help, you can keep your family functioning well.

Mental Illness

Biology plays a major role in many mental illnesses, but the behavior problems that are usually a part of psychological problems make family life much more challenging. People with untreated mental illness can cause discord in a family that would otherwise be highly functional. With treatment, people with mental illness can be great parents. They can contribute positively to their families as children.

What Are Some Of The Characteristics Of A Dysfunctional Family?

So, what is it like to live in a dysfunctional family? For many adult children who grew up in a dysfunctional house, they may have no grasp on what is dysfunctional about their families. The follow list of characteristics of a dysfunctional family may help some of you to recognize your family in the following:

Addiction

Addictions can be a contributing factor to family dysfunction, but they can also happen as a response to the dysfunction in the family. People in dysfunctional families don’t have better coping skills to deal with the tension of living in a family that doesn’t meet their needs. As a result, they may turn to alcohol or drugs to make themselves feel better, if only for a moment.

Constant Criticism

Criticism runs rampant in a dysfunctional family. Sometimes, the criticism is blatant, with parents picking on everything the child does, says, or is.

Other times, it’s subtler, as parents use sarcasm, teasing, or put-downs in a sneaky attempt to say something negative without making themselves look cruel – it’s a definite balancing act for psychologically manipulative parents.

Communication Problems

Poor communication may be the single most telling characteristic of a dysfunctional family. While other, bigger problems may run rampant, they have the possibility to be better managed with healthy communication.

In a dysfunctional family, adults don’t listen to each other or their children. Rather than address the person they have a problem with, they go to other family members to be heard without of dealing with the problem directly.

Parents and siblings become bitter, passive-aggressive, and distrustful, all due to their inability to communicate directly with each other.

Excessive Attempts to Control

Dysfunctional families are often characterized by a parent’s excessive need to control their children and/or the other parent.

If they had a more relaxed and accepting attitude, they could encourage their children to be the best version of who they are rather than manipulating them to live their lives only to appease their parent.

Lack of Empathy

It would be a mistake to believe that your child does is perfect. In a healthy family, corrections are directed at changing behavior rather than making the child feel badly about him or herself. In a healthy family, parents love their children unconditionally even if they don’t like their behavior. In fact, it’s this unconditional love that helps them work with the child constructively.

When parents show empathy for a child’s challenges, they teach the child to care for others as well as themselves.

Lack of Privacy and Independence

Parents in dysfunctional families tend to mistrust their children so much that they constantly invade their privacy. Certainly, there may be times when a parent needs to know what’s going on with their child so that they can respond appropriately.

However, parents in a functional family find out through honest communication rather than room-raids and harsh interrogations.

Children in a dysfunctional family aren’t given the opportunity to be who they want to be. They aren’t allowed to make their own decisions, develop preferences that are different from their parents’, or have friends their parents don’t enjoy.

They’re expected to be just like their parents in every respect rather than developing their unique personalities.

Perfectionism

When a parent is a perfectionist, they put incredible pressure on the other parent and the children – not just to do their best, but to do the impossible. Perfectionism is not only unrealistic, but toxic to family life. It is a constant source of negative emotions for everyone involved. It wrings the playfulness out of young children and makes it harder for them to learn. Their self-esteem suffers, and they feel incompetent, worthless, and inadequate.

What Are The Dysfunctional Family Rules?

As Claudia Black said in her book It Will Never Happen to Me, alcoholic (and dysfunctional) families follow three unspoken rules:

1) Don’t Talk To Anyone. We don’t talk about our family problems – to each other or to outsiders. This rule is the foundation for the family’s denial of the abuse, addiction, illness, ad infinitum.

The message is: Act like everything is fine and make sure everyone else thinks we’re a perfectly normal family.

This is extremely confusing for children who sense that something is wrong, but no one acknowledges what it is. Children often conclude that they are the problem.

Sometimes they are blamed outright and other times they internalize a sense that something must be wrong with them. Because no one is allowed to talk about the dysfunction, the family is plagued with secrets and shame. Children, in particular, feel alone, hopeless, and imagine no one else is going through what they’re experiencing.

 The don’t talk rule ensures that no one acknowledges the real family problem.

When the root of the family’s problems is denied, it can never be solved; health and healing aren’t possible with this mindset.

2) Don’t Trust Anyone  Children depend on their parents or caregivers to keep them safe, but when you grow up in a dysfunctional family, you don’t experience your parents (and the world) as safe and nurturing.

And without a basic sense of safety, children feel anxious and have difficulty trusting.

Children don’t develop a sense of trust and security in dysfunctional families because their caregivers are inconsistent and undependable. They are neglectful, emotionally absent, break promises, and don’t fulfill their responsibilities.

Additionally, some dysfunctional parents expose their children to dangerous people and situations and fail to protect them from abuse.

As a result, children learn that they can’t trust others – even their parents – to meet their needs and keep them safe (this is the most fundamental form of trust for a child).

Difficulty trusting others extends outside the family as well.

In addition to the don’t talk mandate, the don’t trust rule keeps the family isolated and perpetuates the fear that if you ask for help, something bad will happen (mom and dad will get a divorce, dad will go to jail, you’ll end up in foster care).

Despite how scary and painful home life is, it’s the devil you know; you’ve learned how to survive there – and disrupting the family by talking to a teacher or counselor might make things worse.

So, don’t trust anyone.

3) Don’t Feel Anything. Repressing painful or confusing emotions is a coping strategy used by everyone in a dysfunctional family.

Children in dysfunctional families witness their parents numbing their feelings with alcohol, drugs, food, pornography, and technology. Rarely are feelings expressed and dealt with in a healthy way.

Children may also witness scary episodes of rage. Sometimes anger is the only emotion they see their parents express.

Children quickly learn that trying to express their feelings will at best lead to being ignored and at worst lead to violence, blame, and shame. So, children also learn to repress their feelings, numb themselves, and try to distract themselves from the pain.

The Dysfunctional Family and Shame:

Shame is pervasive in dysfunctional families

It’s the feeling you have when you think there’s something wrong with you, that you’re inferior or unworthy.

Shame is the result of family secrets and denial and being told you’re bad and deserve to be hurt or neglected. Children in dysfunctional families often blame themselves for their parents’ inadequacies or for being mistreated or ignored.

“It’s my fault” is the easiest way for their young brains can make sense of a confusing and scary situation.

As adults, part of healing from a dysfunctional family is unwinding the feeling of shame and recognizing that our parents’ shortcomings were not our fault and don’t mean we’re inadequate or unworthy.

Dysfunctional Family Roles:

The Dependent:

We generally characterize the Dependent as the focal point in the greater spectrum of dysfunctional family roles.

As they slide farther down the scale and lose themselves in substance abuse or other dysfunctions, the family’s trajectory alters course. Family members change their behaviors, whether willingly or unwillingly, to accommodate the Dependent’s lifestyle.

For some, this means enabling. A family member may find themselves lying to family friends, or cancelling obligations to bail their loved one out of a jam. Other family members react more harshly, sometimes even cutting off all contact with the Dependent.

At either extreme, this changes the whole of the family dynamic.

Naturally, the Dependent faces the most obvious struggles in getting healthy. In fact, some might even say they benefit from the existence of such a clear-cut role. They often needn’t do much soul-searching to arrive at the conclusion that their behaviors must change. (Obviously, there are exceptions, and not all Dependents succeed in recovery or even attempt it.)

The Dependent will still need to identify certain behavior patterns if they wish to achieve a full recovery.

At the onset, however, the problematic aspects of this particular dysfunction will appear far more tangibly than those stemming from other dysfunctional family roles.

Enabler or Caretaker:

This family member (often a child) tries to keep the family going despite the presence of addiction and other dysfunctions in the family. The Enabler and Caretaker works hard to protect the problem of family members from others and the consequences of their behavior.

Also known as the Enabler, we can identify at least one primary similarity between the Caretaker and the Dependent: the bulk of their daily lives seem to revolve around drugs and alcohol.

Common behaviors of the Caretaker may include posting bail after an arrest, making excuses for their addicted loved one’s behavior, and looking after the Dependent’s basic needs when intoxication prevents the Dependent from doing so themselves.

Caretakers generally suffer from codependency, which affects their relationships with all members of the household. They often facilitate—and sometimes encourage, whether purposefully or not—all dysfunctional family roles. Heaping praise upon the Hero, enabling the Problem Child’s behaviors, falling prey to the Mastermind’s manipulation, etc.

We usually think of the Caretaker as a spouse or parent.

In some cases, however, the chemical dependency or dysfunction of an adult in the household may necessitate that one of the children step up to fill this role. In such cases, the Caretaker may fit the roles of both Hero and Lost Child.

They work to keep the family together, but grow up feeling as if they never got to experience a true childhood. This may lead to feelings of bitterness and resentment. Fear and inadequacy also tend to characterize the Caretaker, especially those who blame themselves for the Dependent’s suffering.scapegoat or trouble-maker – the family member who breaks the rules – not only society’s rules but the rules laid down by their controlling parents.

They become sick or weak, or they become angry and rebellious. Either way, their well-being is sacrificed to the needs of the family.

The lost child or the quiet one – the family who never gets in trouble but always keeps quiet and unobtrusive. They an unusual amount of time alone, avoiding their family and its dysfunctional ways. Usually has poorer social skills than others in the family, because they rarely practice interacting with others.

The Problem Child:

You do not often see the Problem Child on the roster of dysfunctional family roles as they pertain to addiction and dysfunction. Perhaps one explanation for this might be the assumption that the Problem Child and the Dependent are usually one and the same. Indeed, one particularly rebellious child sometimes influences the whole of the family dynamic, leading the rest of the household to respond by filling the rest of the categories.

And as one may presume, this rebellion does often include the use of drugs and alcohol.

However, the Problem Child may also arise in response to the dysfunction caused by a Dependent.

Sometimes a Lost Child becomes tired of feeling neglected and decides to act out.

In some cases, the Problem Child acts as an inadvertent Caretaker, enabling the Dependent by diverting attention onto their own misbehavior.

Occasionally, though not necessarily in a majority of cases, diversion may even act as the Problem Child’s primary intention.

The latter case presents us with a rare example of a time in which the Problem Child will also play the role of Hero, depending upon which family member’s viewpoint we apply to their behavior.

Most experts in addiction and family dysfunction apply this description to the Scapegoat. This would make our inclusion of the Problem Child appear redundant. But as you will see below, we might make at least one important distinction between these two seemingly identical dysfunctional family roles.

The Scapegoat:

Many define the Scapegoat in the same manner as we defined the Problem Child above, particularly in regard to those who draw attention away from the Dependent’s behavior. They characterize this as an effort to protect their addicted family member, possibly out of feelings of guilt or shame. But in Not My Kid: A Family’s Guide to Kids and Drugs—which precedes Wegscheider-Cruse’s book by about five years—authors Beth Polson and Dr. Miller Newton define the Scapegoat as a family member who often does nothing to earn their role within the family’s dysfunction.

In this take on dysfunctional family roles, the Scapegoat suffers misplaced blame for the behaviors of others in the family.

Rather than a Problem Child who diverts attention, this definition casts the Scapegoat as an individual who generally exhibits relative stability and emotional health compared to the rest of the household. Nonetheless, they may receive blame for the Dependent’s behaviors if even tangentially connected to them.

“How could you allow this to happen?”

“Why didn’t you say something sooner?”

In some cases, they may even receive blame for events in which they did not participate by any action or inaction, and in fact did not even know about until they found themselves drawn into the conflict as a wrongly accused culprit.

The Scapegoat will sometimes grow to believe others’ perceptions of them. The guilt with which they have been unjustly saddled will characterize future relationships by causing frequent feelings of inferiority and self-loathing.

By contrast, some Scapegoats who recognize their unfair treatment may struggle with trust issues. And due to the complexities of human behavior, some Scapegoats will find themselves regularly torn between both extremes.

The Mastermind:

Much like the Problem Child, the Mastermind may fail to appear on most addiction-centered breakdowns of dysfunctional family roles due to the sheer assumption that the Dependent usually takes up this mantle.

We associate the Mastermind with manipulation and opportunism, traits sometimes employed by Dependents to hide or facilitate their continued use.

From the standpoint of the Caretaker, and occasionally the Scapegoat, the Dependent most certainly fills this role.

The Mastermind, however, sometimes occupies a much more complex space within the overall family dynamic.

Some Masterminds put on the façade of other dysfunctional family roles at will, depending upon the aims they seek to achieve.

Usually, however, the Mastermind simply observes the behaviors exhibited by the rest of the family, using them to their advantage.

They may use the diversions of the Problem Child or Scapegoat to engage in their own misbehavior.

Or they may take advantage of the Caretaker’s enabling nature to fulfill desires that might otherwise be denied to them.

We should clarify that, while the above description casts the Mastermind almost as a villain, they don’t always act with nefarious intent.

Sometimes, in the wake of the chaos caused by competing dysfunctional family roles, opportunism may seem the only way to meet their needs.

Take, for instance, a child who provides emotional support to a Caretaker simply to receive affection in return. This act fits the Mastermind role, as their intention revolves around their own emotional well-being rather than the Caretaker’s. But, while perhaps opportunistic, the behavior is still quite understandable.

All dysfunctional family roles, when broken down to their core, are merely different ways of seeking validation, or attention.

The need itself is not symptomatic of dysfunction, but rather a fundamental part of human nature. It is only the behavior used to fulfill this need that we may call dysfunctional.

The Hero or Golden Child:

The Caretaker might make excuses for the Dependent, but the Hero is ultimately the one who does the best job of bringing esteem to the family. Heroes work hard to demonstrate responsibility, seeking achievement in any form possible. Younger Heroes will often find numerous extracurricular activities at school, while working in their free time.

The family may rarely see the Hero due to the sheer amount of time they spend adding to their roster of accomplishments.

Despite outward appearances, the Hero suffers as much internal strife as any of the other dysfunctional family roles.

Due to their hard-working lifestyle and extreme perfectionism, Heroes suffer high levels of stress. The constant struggle for achievement, the drive to set themselves apart from the family’s dysfunction, essentially becomes its own addiction.

Much like the Caretaker, the Hero often develops major control issues. They seek validation by trying to control the world around them. To some extent, they may succeed in this.

But as each accomplishment fails to provide true inner peace, they respond by working even harder. Eventually, the Hero may take on too much or spread themselves too thin. This leads to extreme feelings of guilt and shame when the Hero finally takes on a task they cannot accomplish, and must come to grips with failure.

Relationships between the Hero and other family members sometimes become volatile.

The Hero may resent the Dependent or Problem Child, blaming them for the family’s struggles. They may even blame the Caretaker for allowing this to happen. In many cases, the Hero feels stuck in their lifestyle simply because nobody else is stepping up to the plate. They may feel as if the family’s burdens rest upon their shoulders.

Left unresolved, these inflated feelings of self-importance may lead to a difficult life of constant overwork.

The Mascot:

All of these dysfunctional family roles share one thing in common — regardless of their outlook on the situation, they usually take the Dependent’s addiction seriously. The same can be said of the Mascot; however, you wouldn’t necessarily see it upon first glance.

The Mascot often cracks jokes or finds other ways of trying to provide entertainment. They do so in an attempt to alleviate the family’s stress, although sometimes this may backfire. Particularly insensitive jokes or immature antics will sometimes test others’ patience. When their jokes are poorly received, this often only heightens their fear and causes them to double down with more humor. On such occasions, the Mascot may briefly switch roles and become the Scapegoat.

Eventually, when things calm down, they return to their role as the family jester.

Much like the Hero, the Mascot’s outward appearance masks deep-seated insecurities. They use their sense of humor as a defense mechanism to put off dealing with pain, fear, or any other sort of emotional discomfort that might cause them trouble. As a result, these feelings remain unprocessed and unresolved.

Mascots find themselves in a state of arrested emotional development, unable to cope properly with negative emotions. Their sense of humor becomes their most defining characteristic, and they fear that any failure on their part to maintain it may result in abandonment.

And so while their antics may gain them some popularity (both inside and outside the family), this popularity feels cheap.

The Mascot becomes isolated within a sea of people who enjoy their company, yet don’t really know them as anything other than a walking laugh factory.

The Lost Child:

Each of the above dysfunctional family roles manifests through action. The Lost Child stands apart, in that we characterize this role primarily by inaction. Those who fit into this role try hard not to rock the boat. They may never mention the Dependent’s behavior, perhaps even going out of their way to avoid family discussions about it. Introverted and inconspicuous, the Lost Child may take this role by choice. Many times, however, the Lost Child is as their title implies – someone whose needs were simply neglected, lost in the bedlam of family drama.

Since we characterize the Lost Child by their neglected needs, they may easily fit into many of the other dysfunctional family roles. A Lost Child who gets fed up and angry with their role may wear the mask of Problem Child for a day, simply to take the spotlight for a short period of time. The Hero may identify as the Lost Child if they feel the rest of the family does not acknowledge their achievements.

Sometimes the Lost Child plays the role of Scapegoat, disappearing from the family’s radar until they become entangled in a family dispute against their will. Usually, however, the Lost Child simply stays out of the way. In a dysfunctional household, the Lost Child feels it safer to remain neither seen nor heard.

Even when the Lost Child assumes their role by choice, they may still resent the family for their neglect.

Lost Children often grow up feeling ostracized, lonely and inadequate. They assume their neglect must result from some sort of personal failing.

That something must be wrong with them, or else they would receive the love they deserve.

This lack of esteem may lead to dangerous behaviors later on, such as self-harm or a tendency to become involved in abusive relationships.

Immediate Reactions To Dysfunctional Families:

While a child is living in a dysfunctional family, they experience immediate effects of the situation. Some of these include:

• Social Isolation
• Being withdrawn
• Developing behavior disorders
• Feeling lonely
• Feeling cut off from their feelings
• Being extremely self-critical
• Having low self-esteem
• Developing mental health issues (such as anxiety or depression)
• Having difficulty expressing their thoughts and feelings

The Lasting Impact of Growing Up In A Dysfunctional Family:

The impact a dysfunctional family can be overwhelmingly and lasting. Some of the effects include:

• Difficulty with emotional or sexual intimacy
• Alcohol or drug abuse
• Trust issues
• Poor communication skills
• Clinginess in relationships
• Oversensitivity
• Obsession with perfectionism
• Feelings of abandonment or isolation
• Feelings of powerlessness
• Feelings of worthlessness

We can’t choose the family we’re given. But children of dysfunctional families can overcome leftover feelings from a bad childhood with a new adult perspective.

Healing From A Dysfunctional Family:

The task of healing from growing up in a dysfunctional family can feel insurmountable. No doubt, you’ve experienced at least a few negative effects of living through a hell of a childhood and many people find that these effects feel ever-lasting. They’re not, but it can be tremendously hard to even know where to begin healing. Here are some tips that may help you heal from growing up in a dysfunctional family. Please remember:

You Can’t Change Someone Else:

No matter how much you beg or plead, most adults don’t or are unwilling change their core personality and behaviors. This is a biggie, because most of us want to have a healthy relationship with our families, but you’re only capable of controlling who YOU are. Imagining our parents or family as we want them to be is called magical thinking, and it’s an ineffective coping mechanism.

Eventually, you will reach a point during which you believing a parent when they say they’ll change. If you can’t reconcile this, you’ll be disappointed often. You simply can’t continuously seek approval or acceptance from someone who never has met those needs you needed met.

If a dysfunctional parent who won’t change is harming your life with destructive behavior, it’s OK to keep your distance or cut off ties altogether.

See also Estrangement.

Remember this: blood is not thicker than water.

You should only allow someone to be a part of your life if they exhibit good, consistent actions. You have every right to set boundaries to protect your well-being.

You’ll never get it back, so stop trying

Feel Your Feelings:

Feel all your feelings. You are allowed to have all of your feelings. It will take practice to get back in touch with your feelings and realize their value. But you can start by asking yourself how you feel and telling yourself that your feelings matter. You no longer have to be limited to feeling shame, fear, and sadness. You also don’t need anyone else to validate your feelings; there are no right or wrong feelings or good or bad feelings.

For now, just let your feelings exist.

Talk about your feelings and experiences. You can break down shame, isolation, and loneliness, and build more connected relationships when you share your thoughts and feelings with trustworthy people. Acknowledging and talking about your problems is the opposite of staying in denial. It opens the door to solutions and healing.

Trust others and set appropriate boundaries. Trust can be a scary thing, especially when people have let you down in the past. It takes time to learn to trust yourself and who is trustworthy and who isn’t. Trust is an important component of healthy relationships, along with healthy boundaries that ensure that you’re being treated with respect and your needs are met.

It’s All Over Now:

You can never go back in time and change your childhood.

So why do we continue to try to change it?

Many people believe they can make up for the past by trying to salvage an irreparable relationship in the present. But they often cannot and it’s a difficult pill to swallow.

You’ll always struggle with reconciling your past with your present, but it’s the personal power you grab a hold of today that will make that reconciliation seem more plausible, IF you consider that a safe option for you. If your family is toxic, you don’t need to feel a bit of guilt for estrangement and maintaining your boundaries.

Don’t Do As You Were Taught:

When you dwell on your pain, resentment, and anger from your childhood, you may be taking it out on your own family.

Worse yet, the time you spend obsessing over the past takes away the time you could be building a healthy future with your kids.

While you should be open with your spouse about your past before you get married, your family doesn’t deserve to continuously relive your pain for you.

Having a family of your own is a small, but powerful way you can redeem your childhood.

By providing your children with a loving, stable, and safe environment to grow up in, you’re putting an end to a cycle of dysfunction. You know you can’t rewind your childhood and totally get rid of the pain and trauma. But you can heal some of the pain by watching your marriage and children thrive now.

No, Really, Let It Go:

The great thing about growing up is you gain perspective, insight, and autonomy, and with this comes a capability of better coping with your bad childhood.

You’re certainly more susceptible to making bad choices when you’ve been robbed of a healthy framework by which to live your life. But now, as an adult, it comes down to you. You may feel angry, cheated and bitter, but your attitude doesn’t have to project that.

What happened in your childhood wasn’t your choice, but what happens today is.  Once you realize how empowering taking back control can feel, you’ll find more peace in the fact that your parents can’t control your life any longer.

Forgiveness?

Forgiveness doesn’t have to be the last step in your healing process. Some experiences are just too painful to ever forgive, and it’s OK if you’re never able to fully forgive your family.

If you are able to forgive someone in your family, do it on your own terms, and make sure whoever you’re forgiving has accepted responsibility for their wrongdoing and is working toward making it better, too.

Often, the most effective way to heal from a dysfunctional family is to seek therapy.

You’ll forever be connected to your childhood experiences, and that’s something you have to endure. But your ultimate success and happiness is something you’re responsible for. When you grasp this, you’ve already won half the battle to healing.

Additional Dysfunctional Family Resources:

Adult Children of Addicts offers some of the very best advice you can get, as many families with addiction closely mimic those with an addict in the family.

See The Problem and The Solution

The Band’s Guide For Surviving The Holidays

by Band Back Together | Nov 26, 2018

The holiday season can bring mixed emotions for many people, so if you’re not feeling the holiday season, you’re not alone. Seeing old friends and family members may be exciting, dysfunctional families may cause you stress or anger,  maybe you’re spending your first holiday alone, maybe you want to spend this holiday season alone, you may be learning to live with life after a loss (a loved one or even a divorce), you may be dealing with tremendous amounts of pressure, your illness – mental or physical – may be pushing you to the edge, and some people find that the holidays may bring up memories of disappointments.

Feeling depressed or anxious is not unusual during the holiday season, in fact many people consider the “happiest time of the year” as “the worst time of the year,” and that’s okay. There’s no law that says you have to enjoy any part of the holidays, not do you have to say yes to everything everyone invites you to. You’re allowed to say NO to events and you’re allowed to feel upset.

Just know that the perfect families you see on Facebook, in those sappy holiday movies, and every freaking commercial are actually bullshit. Sappy holiday movies and commercials act happy because they are full of actors acting happy because they’re getting paid to behave that way. And we all know how you can manipulate your Facebook (or other social media outlets) to make it appear that your family is happy, content, normal, and (clearly) better than yours. Plenty of people (raises hand) have a tremendously hard time skimming their social media during the holidays because it brings up something they don’t have: a child, a family, a loved one, friends, or even a place to stay.

This is also bullshit. Don’t buy into it. Seriously, it’s not worth it.

We’re (I’m) going to be splitting the list up based upon different scenarios you may be facing, divorce, addiction, dysfunctional families (etc), but let’s start with the general tips for surviving the holidays.

General Tips for Surviving The Holidays:

First things first: if you don’t think it’s going to be healthy for you to be around holiday stuff (commercials, social media posts, movies), DON’T. I mean it. Pay the $10 bucks to get Netflix or Hulu (I am a Netflix aficionado, by the by, so if you need some grisly things to watch to get your mind off the season, I’m your woman), delete the social media apps from your phone until the season is over, and practice my favorite word: FUCK NO. If doing what other people ask of you will do you in in someway (not judging a bit), say FUCK NO. Or just NO.

Remember: you DON’T have to be everyone’s everything.

If you’re afraid that using the n-word (NO) will piss people off, remember that there are sometimes that you simply MUST put yourself first. Your sanity, health; those are more important that eating Auntie Jean’s radish pie.

If you simply can’t face someone who’s going to yell at you or give you a damn guilt trip about the holidays, turn off your phone. Block their number. Block their email. Just until it’s over and your world has been righted again.

Ah, guilt. My default emotion. For someone raised agnostic, I carry a tremendously large amount of guilt on my shoulders. Is the problem my fault? 99.9% of the time it is not, but I still can’t stop with the guilt. If you’re feeling tremendous guilt for not doing That Thing (cooking, hosting, attending, buying presents, being cheerful, not whistling Zip-A-De-Do-Dah out of your damn asshole, whatever it is), my suggestion after years and years and years wallowing in it is to do something to get out of your headspace (no drugs, presumably no alcohol). What’s your absolute favorite thing to do? Build Legos? Buy a kit especially for the occasion. Needlepoint? Order yourself a couple of new patterns. Video games? Buy a couple of new ones to escape into. Really, this part is up to you, and it really does work.

As much as you can, stick to your routine to avoid unwanted (and avoidable) stress. If this isn’t possible (especially if you’re traveling), try to make sure you take at least a couple minutes devoted to yourself. I find hiding in the bathroom or garage or basement works quite well as it gives you a chance to just BE yourself BY yourself.

A lot of the stress around the holidays (for me, at least) is having to play the role that’s expected of me. I know that sounds weird and I’d like to be all “Free To Be You And Me” but that’s simply not always doable. I have to curb my mouth, NOT express my wildly different opinions, and pretend that I shoot rainbows and glitter out of my ass every single moment of every single day. I don’t, so it’s another role for me to take on.

When I was not estranged from my family, I’d have to be The Fuck Up (my role in the family)(see also: addiction), which made me feel about 12 again, which is how I would invariably act. If you’re going to be forced to play a role that you cannot abide by (i.e. The Fuck-Up), get out of going.

Personally, I find that the stomach flu works best. NOBODY wants to be exposed to that shit, even those of us with iron-clad immune systems. It’s a tactic you can only use right before the holiday starts, which may be stressful, but it’s The Easy Way Out.

The Hard Way Out involves being absolutely, undeniably, and often anger-inducing honest. Being honest is something important to me as an ex-addict, which is why it took me getting sober to cease our relationship. While that’s sad, what’s more sad is being treated like a gigantic toddler who can’t do anything right – at age 38!

I’ve got no judgement whatsoever for whichever method you choose, but I will tell you that The Hard Way Out will make you feel strong, mighty, and in charge of your own life.

Every other “guide to the holidays” will tell you to do it all in moderation. That’s bullshit. The holidays come once or twice or three times a year, so if you can enjoy them? Do. Eat that delicious radish pie (do not ask me where that idea came from). Chug on some ‘nog. Enjoy every second of it, if that’s possible. My only objection is drinking and driving. Or getting high and driving. Stay safe. You don’t want to ruin someone else’s holiday.

If you’re (your age here), you know that nothing will go as planned. Murphy’s Law LIVES for the holidays. And that’s okay. No, I mean it. You there, in the back, worrying yourself into a tizzy, trying to control all of the things, seriously, TAKE A BREATH. 9 times out of 10, no one will even notice what went wrong. They’re too busy getting drunk, singing “God Save The Queen” and passing out on your amazing, new mink rug.

If, by chance, you actually believe that one of your friends or family is able to pull off a perfect holiday, I’ve got some waterfront property in Arizona to sell you.

If you need help, say so. You’re not going to ruin anyone’s time by saying, “Hey, I need some help with (XYZ),” and if they act like you’re ruining your time, you have my permission photoshop the shit out of their photos.

If you want to be alone, that’s cool. Don’t let anyone tell you that you “shouldn’t be alone” during the holidays – UNLESS YOU ARE A DANGER TO YOURSELF OR OTHERS, in which case GET THEE TO AN ER IMMEDIATELY. But if you’re just an introvert who doesn’t get into the holidays or the crowds or whatever, you’re perfectly normal.

However, if you don’t want to be alone, find somewhere to go celebrate. Put a call out on Social Media, ask friends and family, find out what activities are in the area for people who can’t or don’t have a family. There’s absolutely NO SHAME in that.

If you anticipate spending the holidays alone, try to volunteer somewhere, like in a soup kitchen, with children in group homes, or the elderly in various facilities. People will so appreciate you that you may feel better about yourself, but more importantly, you’ll have company.

Let the past stay buried. A fair number of us (raises hand) have some wrongs in our past that we cannot seem to right, no matter how hard we try. This becomes problematic if you allow yourself to become an Injustice Collector. We’ve all met them, they’re the people who remember that thing you did once when you were 11 and no I will not let it go. If you’ve got one in your holidays, prepare for it, or (my favorite thing to do) is to record them with your phone if they start on that thing you did wrong – so wrong – 80 years ago and play it back for them, just so they can see how ridiculous they sound. It might not do anything, but it’s hilarious to watch their reactions.

Dude, you matter too. Yes you. If anyone tells you differently or makes you feel as though you should be doing X, Y, or Z and you don’t feel you can? Don’t. Say no.

Do something nice for yourself. I mean beyond the eating and merriment, something that you’re really going to enjoy. A massage for after the holidays. Buy yourself something you want. Stuff for a new hobby. Anything that makes you feel good (and is NOT illegal) so that during those nasty moments you experience throughout the holidays, you can look forward to something concrete.

Don’t go for broke. Yeah, it may be awesome to get your entire family elaborate, expensive gifts, but if you can’t swing it? DON’T. I’m not crafty (and I often think of crafty gifts as something terrifyingly – often hilariously – awful), but I can make cookies and shit like that. It’s cheap and easy. The holidays aren’t a dick measuring contest, they’re supposed to be about togetherness. Or, at least, that’s what the commercials tell me.

Addiction and Sobriety During The Holidays:

The holidays are a stressful time for everyone.

See also: Addiction, Addiction Recovery and Alcoholism

Between gift-giving, travel, and family, it’s really easy to jump into the easiest coping mechanism you have, whatever that may be – overeating, overspending, you get my drift. Addicts in recovery (as well as those facing an active addiction), are at particular risk for relapse and a nasty downward spiral. Sobriety is hard enough to deal with during the less stressful times in the year, the holidays practically beg for you to relapse or engage in an ugly downward spiral.

Why Are The Holidays So Difficult For Addicts?

As amazing as a holiday can be, addicts (in recovery or not), the stress and even merriment of the season can trigger the issues responsible for developing an addiction in the first place; money, loss, divorce, family, stress are all reasons that addicts may begin to use and abuse their substance of choice. Old conflicts with family and friends that haven’t yet been addressed can trigger a relapse. Much of the research on addiction has verified that the extra extra of the holidays can drive even a person long into recovery back into its claws.

On the other end of the spectrum, addicts without a stable family or group of friends are often left feeling alone and isolated during the holidays, another powerful source of the shame and boredom that can drive addictive behavior.

So we all agree: the holidays can lead to relapse. Period.

Tips For Avoiding Relapse During The Holidays:

The first – and best – thing an addict can do is to make – and stick to – a plan that accounts for the stress of the holidays. Some options I use are:

Go to a meeting before or after a get together.

Maybe plan a call with a sober friend during the event to check in on you.

Bring a sober buddy (or even your sponsor) with you to the occasion

Making sure you have a way to leave the event on your own so that in the event you need to get away from your relapse triggers, you can do so without depending upon Uncle Bob to drive you home

Make SURE you have an escape plan if things become too much.

Keep a soda or water in hand at all times; that’ll stop people from asking you if you need a drink.

Avoid those you’ve got to avoid to save your sanity. If Auntie Rachel, for example, is going to try to talk to you about rehab, rub the stupid shit you did when you were wasted in your face, make you feel ashamed, or thump her Bible at you, GET THEE AWAY FROM HER. You don’t need that level of bullshit.

If you’re already feeling triggered to use or believe that you will abuse during the holiday season, go back to rehab. You’ll be safe there.

Do not forget that many people experience a relapse AFTER the holidays, when life returns to normal. You’re going to have to plan for that, too.

Should I Choose New Years As My Sober Date?

If you’re still actively using and want to stop, chances are that you’re going to have to choose a Sober Date, and often times New Years Day is the day that many choose to stop other self-destructive habits. It’s a fresh year, a fresh take, a fresh new life.

(I personally could never manage the pressure of a New Years resolution, but hey, I’m me and you’re, well, not me.)

Unfortunately, as we’ve all learned, it doesn’t usually work, and for addicts, going cold turkey is a strategy that guarantees few success stories. It’s hard, even dangerous, to quit cold turkey depending on your substance of abuse.

If you do plan to use New Years Day as your Sober Date, remember this: you have got to work up to it. I’d go with starting a few months before, depending upon how long you’ve been using, and the amounts you’ve been using. Chances are, if you’ve been using a lot for a long time, you’re going to have to gradually start reducing.

Talk to your doctor about your Sobriety Date and he or she can help you develop a plan, because not only does detox suck, it’s incredibly dangerous if you’re abusing drugs or alcohol.

Lastly, when you choose a Sobriety Date, you’re making plans for long-term sobriety, not the short term.

The Holidays And Mental Illness:

See also: Mental Illness Resources

It’s entirely unsurprising that mental illnesses flare up during this time of heightened stress, triggers, overwhelming feelings, and financial strain (to name a very few). Once again, I urge you to take care of yourself above all else, no matter how often you’re harassed by well-meaning loved ones. Keep your routine, stay grounded, and be kind to yourself. I’m breaking some of these tips up by particular diagnosis, but they will undoubtably overlap, so you may want to read them all.

Depression And The Holidays:

See also Depression and Coping With Depression

People mistakenly assume that the rates of suicide soar during the holidays, which is a total myth (springtime is oddly when rates of suicide peak). If you are feeling desperate and suicidal, please call the National Suicide Lifeline immediately:1-800-273-8255

The holidays are NOT a happy, jolly time for a large number of people, so my first suggestion is to acknowledge – don’t stuff – your feelings. If you’re sad because you’re divorced, experienced a recent loss (etc), don’t hide it inside, let it out. You’re perfectly welcome to share your feelings with others – even those non-jolly ones – who you love and support.

If you’re feeling especially isolated and lonely during this holiday season, reach out to others. Talk to your friends. Discuss your pain with online friends. Go to a support group. You’re definitely not alone in feeling lonely. Hell, try volunteering your time so you can feel like you, too, are a part of things.

Keep taking your medications, don’t deviate from what you’d normally do, and practice my favorite word: NO. Your self-worth matters a hell of a lot.

Keep things on a schedule – this may sound awful to some of you (I get it), but if you designate certain days to certain tasks (such as Dec 1, get tree, Dec 2 decorate tree, Dec 3 massage) it’ll really help you from feeling overwhelmed.

If you can’t? Don’t. Period.

Don’t be ashamed if you can’t do it all. I have a sneaking suspicion that the only people out there that “have it all” are pretending or have hired enough help that they don’t have to lift a finger.

Don’t use the holidays as a time to even the score between you and someone else. Wait for a more appropriate time to discuss old wounds.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed at a gathering, don’t hesitate to seek out some alone time. The bathroom can be appropriate, I also like the garage, or just sitting outside alone, taking 15 minutes to yourself.

Anxiety And The Holidays:

See also Anxiety Disorders and Coping With Anxiety Disorders

Stress and the holidays go practically hand-in-hand, even the “fun” kind of stress is, in fact stress. People who have anxiety disorders often report a surge of anxiety before, during, and after the holidays. Here are some tips you might be able to use if you (like most of us) deals with chronic anxiety.

You may feel as though you’re on stage at some of the gatherings you attend, but rest assured, most people aren’t paying any untoward attention to you.

I’m always an advocate for deep breathing and escaping the situations that make you uncomfortable.

Confide in someone who is there (or, if you plan ahead of time to save stress, will also be attending) that your anxiety level is high. They can be a buffer between you and the rest of the guests.

If you’re caught talking to people, and you don’t know what to say, remember this: everyone loves to talk about themselves.

Drugs and booze are only going to make things worse – avoid them.

Practice saying NO. You’re not under any legal obligation to be present at all events, so if you can’t do it? Don’t.

Plan your entrance and escape. Come late, leave by X time. Come early and leave by Y time. These aren’t hard and fast rules and WILL depend upon you to know when you’ve reached your limit. When you have had enough? Go.

Dysfunctional (and/or) Toxic Families And The Holidays:

See also: (I am sorry there aren’t more, I’ve just not had the time to create more pages -AB)

Adult Children of Narcissists 

Adult Survivors of Childhood Abuse

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

While no one has a “perfect family,” some families are far more dysfunctional than others and the holidays often amplify your feelings and bring up past hurts, new hurts, and a generally awful time for most. If you’ve got one of these, here are some tips for dealing with your family during the holidays (if you are not estranged):

Keep expectations low. If every family gathering is a nightmare, toxic, and awful experience, don’t expect that this year will be any different. It’s important to keep things in perspective.

Stop lying to yourself and other people about how bad the situation is. If you hate a particular holiday, vent to your friends…and don’t be surprised when they reveal similar feelings. The act of letting it out and tell the truth about the situation is incredibly freeing. You don’t have to hold onto that lie anymore!

Make sure to stay connected with non-dysfunctional relationships. The beauty (and downfall, if you ask me) of the smartphone is this: you can ALWAYS be connected to someone, somewhere. Text your friends, share your story to online friends, whatever reminds you that this situation does have an end point.

Just keep swimming. If you’re not estranged and do plan to see your family, you’re going to have to come to terms with something unpleasant: It really might suck. It may be yet another thing to “get through,” and if that’s the case, the sooner you accept this, the easier it may feel. I always remind myself that I can do anything for X hours or days or weeks or whatever.

Don’t rise to the occasion. Cousin Sammy likes to bait you about (whatever it is. Politics? Religion?) which really chaps your ass. When he invariably begins to bait you, ignore him. Mumble something under your breath and walk the hell away.

Let bygones be bygones – for now. If you’re heading toward an estrangement, you can use this opportunity to remember WHY you can’t be with your toxic family. If you’re planning to keep it cool (good on you!), forget – for a couple of days – about differences and old wounds. The holidays are not the right time or place to begin to reconcile.

Stick to your emotional boundaries: if you’re dreading seeing your Asshole Brother, for example, figure out what you will and won’t tolerate (I will accept joking, I will not accept criticisms) and how to behave in both scenarios. The more preplanning in your brain you do, the better you can cope with it. Avoid people who make you feel like shit, and if you can’t do that because your whole family sucks, well, bring some headphones. Cancel on them. Do what you have to do to make it okay for you WITHOUT compromising your boundaries.

Make sure that you have an exit and entrance plan. First, make sure you can get out of there whenever you need to: drive yourself (do not make yourself anyone else’s ride, either), call an UBER, take the train, or the bus, of a pony. Then, if/when the celebration becomes too much for you, you can just GO.

If you’re really, really, really not ready to celebrate the holidays with your dysfunctional, toxic family, don’t. Yes that toxic guilt and shame you feel inside even as you read this is very common, but that’s probably how your family controlled you. Sometimes, you can handle your family, sometimes you can’t. It’s not within your power. Ask yourself if you really NEED to go, what the ramifications are if you don’t, and most importantly, what is the Emotional Cost of this interchange? Is it worth it to risk your mental health to make someone else who (presumably) treats you badly, content to continue to do so? I’m not about to tell you what to do, this is just a thought.

Dealing With Estrangement During The Holidays:

See also our resource page for Estrangement

So you’re estranged from your family – me too. It wasn’t a decision that you (proverbial you, that is) you took lightly, but the holidays often do bring up old resentments and an underlying sadness for not being able to safely be a part of your family. It’s okay, it’s not okay, I get it. Just remember that there are very good, very valid reasons you must stay away from these people. If you need a list of them, go for it, use it, whatever works best for you.

Most people who are estranged from family and loved ones feel a very special sense of isolation during the holidays. It’s still seen as a major taboo to many people which is why no one discusses it. They simply say things like “I’ve been too busy to see my family” rather than tell the truth. Guess what? You’re NOT alone. There are WAY more people who are estranged than you can even imagine.

Tell someone you love the truth about your family. It doesn’t have to be a production – unless you want it to be, simply tell someone that you’re estranged from your family and the holidays illuminate your sense of isolation. Don’t have to explain who, what, where, when, and why to anyone, unless you’re comfortable.

Even though you know you made the right call to cut of ties with your family, it can be extremely hard for many of us. The sense of guilt and shame triggered by the holidays can feel overwhelming. Don’t hide from it, let other people that you trust learn what you’re feeling. MOST people feel shame and guilt for SOMETHING around the holidays, so you’ll probably be allowing someone to let their own feelings out as well.

Create your own family. I know I have: my friends, my husband’s family, you reading this post right now (YES YOU); none of whom are blood relatives. I think my chosen family is far better, they understand me better, they don’t cast me to a single role in their life (The Fuck-Up), and they accept me for who I am and what I’ve done.

Go away with a loved one instead of sitting around, watching holiday movies (and gut-wrenching commercials), and feeling like shit. Go up to a cabin far away, go to the nearest big town and do something different. Check into a nice hotel, order room service, rock your PJ’s, get a massage whatever you do to make you feel like you.

DO NOT (and I mean DO NOT) LOG ONTO SOCIAL MEDIA. It’s simply not worth to have to watch the “perfect families of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest” show you how much better they are than you. It’s either going to make you dissolve into a pile of tears or make you rage-filled and angry. What you see is what they want you to see, and if you can’t handle it? Don’t do it.

The Holidays and Loss:

While we have a number of resource pages devoted to loss, this will include all types of losses. See also:

Loss and Grief and Coping With Grief

Partner Loss and Coping With Partner Loss

Miscarriage and Coping With A Miscarriage

Baby Loss and Child Loss and Coping With Baby/Child Loss

Adult Child Loss

Estrangement

Parent Loss

Pet Loss Resources

Divorce Resources 

Loss is universal; we all live, love, and lose people throughout our lives. Sometimes, this loss can be felt harder than others, especially if you were particularly close to the decedent. The first holidays following the loss can be a bittersweet time for many who are simply remembering those that are not there, and this is both completely normal and a great part of our grieving process. Here are some tips that may help those of you who’re mourning a loss during the holidays.

The first step for those grieving is to remember that it’s okay not to be okay. You need to acknowledge that it is going to be terribly painful but that you will survive.

Try to create a tradition that honors your loved one during the holidays. Light a candle, get a special ornament, take some time to remember those who you’ve lost. It doesn’t have to be a huge production.

Come up with a plan for the holidays. I don’t know what yours looks like, but make sure to plan times to be together and times to be alone.

Remember: you don’t have to go anywhere. Don’t isolate yourself, arrange check-ins with your loved ones, and do things that you want to do.

Be honest with yourself and everyone else about what you can and cannot do, which can be tricky, but also worth it.

Don’t berate yourself with guilt if you simply cannot manage the holidays like you did before the loss.

The Holidays And Divorce

See also Divorce Resources

Newly-single or freshly divorced? The holidays can be a landmine of exploded feelings, anger and resentment. This is only multiplied when there are kids involved.

Keep expectations low. I know this sounds kinda pathetic, but it’s hard as hell to see your ex on a day which you used to celebrate together.

This is gonna hurt for at least the first few years. I’m not gonna sugar-coat this for you in the slightest because I hope that you know I’m the friend that gives it to you like it is: it’s gonna suck. You can make it suck more or less, but the pain will be there.

If you don’t have to see your ex, congrats, but there’s still going to be a gigantic hole where your ex (and/or their family) once was. I can’t help you fill it, just remember that it won’t always feel like this.

If you’ve got kids that are planning to spend half the holidays with you and the other half with your ex, things can get even more painful – especially during year one.

See, if you’ve got kids and an ex, you’re probably used to having both around during the whole of holidays, and once you’ve got to change houses mid-holidays, it’s like a knife in the back. Yes, you’ll see your kids half of the time (fair), but the other half is disquietingly lonesome. I’m not trying to rain on your parade; I’m being honest with you.

If you do have kids, make the transition easier for them: don’t start a fight with your ex (if you feel that cannot be avoided, have another person (like a mother or father or sister) do the drop-off for you. While you are no doubt hurting, your kids are experiencing far worse and more tender feelings:

• Don’t put your kids in the middle of this during the holidays. It’s simply not fair to them.
• If you can’t be objective with your ex, don’t try. Send an email, text, anything that will keep you two civil
• Do NOT try to pry information about your ex out of your kids – playing telephone sucked in the playground at school; it’s going to be worse now. If you can, you talk to your ex about what is going on in their life.
• You don’t have to buy your kids affections. Sure, they like gifts (who wouldn’t?) but it won’t make the holidays brighter if you’re going to be heavily in debt because you feel guilty for the split.
• You can start new traditions with the kids – maybe not Year One – most people are too frazzled to think of anything great, but if you can? #winning

In the event that you have a chunk of the holidays alone, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE SOMETHING ELSE TO DO. While it won’t mend your broken heart, it’s better to keep your mind and body occupied as much as possible. Hang out with your family, hang out with friends, plan a chill and binge on Netflix of your favorite shows. Stock up on your favorite holiday items, and realize that eventually this will not feel like dying.

Don’t be shy about asking for an invitation: most people outright assume that their newly-single friend has other plans, so speak up. If you don’t want to be alone, ask around to see who’s doing what. And if you’d rather spend this part of the holidays alone, well, that may be what heals you. Just make sure not to isolate yourself too much, it’s not great for you.

Remember this to be true: The holidays are not enjoyable for everyone.

Period.

And I’m sorry.

Page last audited 11/2018

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Resources

by Band Back Together | Nov 17, 2018

What Is A Personality Disorder?

Personality is the way of thinking, feeling and behaving that makes a person different from another. An person’s personality is influenced by experiences, environment (surroundings, life situations), and inherited characteristics. A personality disorder is a way of thinking, feeling and behaving that deviates from the expectations of the culture, causes distress, or problems functioning, and lasts over time.

There are 10 specific types of personality disorders, including Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Common to all personality disorders is a long-term pattern of behavior and inner experience that differs significantly from what is expected. This pattern of experience and behavior begins by late adolescence or early adulthood, and causes distress and/or problems in the way a person functions. Without treatment, these behaviors and experiences becomes inflexible and usually long-lasting.

The pattern of behaviors is seen in at least two of these areas:

• Way of thinking about themselves and others
• Way of responding emotionally
• Way of relating to other people
• Way of controlling one’s behavior

The 10 specific personality disorders are grouped into three categories called “clusters.”

Cluster A: Odd or Eccentric Behaviors

• Paranoid personality disorder: a pattern of distrust and suspiciousness where others’ motives are seen as mean or spiteful. People with paranoid personality disorder often assume people will harm or deceive them and are reluctant to confide in others, and/or become close to them.
• Schizoid personality disorder: a pattern of detachment from social relationships and a limited range of emotional expression. A person with schizoid personality disorder typically doesn’t seek close relationships, chooses solitary activities, and appears indifferent to praise or criticism from others.
• Schizotypal personality disorder: a pattern of acute discomfort in close relationships, distortions in thinking or perception, and eccentric behavior. A person with schizotypal personality disorder may have odd beliefs or magical thinking, odd or peculiar behavior or speech, or may incorrectly attribute meanings to events.

Cluster B: Dramatic, Emotional, or Erratic Behavior

• Antisocial personality disorder: a pattern of disregarding or violating the rights of others. A person with antisocial personality disorder may not conform to social norms, may repeatedly lie or deceive others, and/or may act impulsively.
• Borderline personality disorder: a pattern of instability in personal relationships, emotional response, self-image and impulsivity. A person with borderline personality disorder may go to great lengths to avoid abandonment (real or perceived), have recurrent suicidal behavior, display inappropriate intense anger, and/or have chronic feelings of emptiness.
• Histrionic personality disorder: a pattern of excessive emotion and attention seeking. A person with histrionic personality disorder may be uncomfortable when he/she is not the center of attention, consistently use their physical appearance to draw attention, or show rapidly shifting or exaggerated emotions.
• Narcissistic personality disorder: a pattern of need for admiration and lack of empathy for others. A person with narcissistic personality disorder may have a grandiose sense of self-importance, a sense of entitlement, take advantage of others, and/or lack empathy.

Cluster C: Anxious or Fearful Behavior

• Avoidant personality disorder: a pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy and extreme sensitivity to criticism. A person with avoidant personality disorder may be unwilling to get involved with people unless he/she is certain of being liked, be preoccupied with being criticized or rejected, and/or may view himself/herself as being inferior or socially inept.,
• Dependent personality disorder: a pattern of needing to be taken care of and submissive and clingy behavior. A person with dependent personality disorder may have difficulty making daily decisions without reassurance from others or may feel uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of fear of inability to take care of himself or herself.
• Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder: a pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism and control. A person with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder may be preoccupied with details or schedules, may work excessively to the exclusion of leisure or friendships, and/or may be inflexible in morality and values. (This is NOT the same as obsessive compulsive disorder)

Diagnosis of a personality disorder requires a mental health professional looking at long-term patterns of functioning and symptoms. For a person under 18 years old to be diagnosed, the symptoms must have been present for at least a year. Some people with personality disorders may not recognize a problem. Also, people often have more than one personality disorder. An estimated 9 percent of U.S. adults have at least one personality disorder.

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is characterized by a person’s self-directed focus and inflated self-admiration.

While everyone likes to feel important and receive positive attention from those around them, people who have NPD take this to the next level. People with this condition are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding.

The hallmarks of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. They may also concentrate on grandiose fantasies (e.g. their own success, beauty, brilliance) and may be convinced that they deserve special treatments and rewards. These characteristics typically begin in early adulthood and must be consistently evident in multiple contexts, such as at work and in relationships.

Note: Having high self-confidence (a strong sense of self) is far different from narcissistic personality disorder; people with NPD typically value themselves over others to the extent that they openly disregard the feelings and wishes of others, and expect to be treated as superior, regardless of their actual status or achievements.

Moreover, the person with narcissistic personality disorder usually exhibits a fragile ego (self-concept), an intolerance of criticism, and a tendency to belittle others in order to validate their own superiority.

50 to 75 percent of the people diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder are male; it’s been approximated that 1-2% of people have narcissistic personality disorder. The actual number of people who have NPD is likely to be far higher, as many who have this personality disorder don’t ever seek treatments.

People with narcissistic personality disorder believe they are superior or special, and often try to associate with other people they believe are unique or gifted in some way. This association enhances their self-esteem, which is typically quite fragile underneath the surface. Individuals with NPD seek excessive admiration and attention in order to know that others think highly of them. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder have difficulty tolerating criticism or defeat, and may be left feeling humiliated or empty when they experience an “injury” in the form of criticism or rejection.

What Is The Prevalence of Narcissistic Behavior?

According to a study covered by US News and World Report, rates of narcissism are on the rise.

In the summer of 2018, [a study of] a nationally representative sample of 35,000 Americans found that 6 percent of Americans, or 1 out of 16, had experienced [clinical narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)] at some point in their lives.

And there was a big generational effect. You’d expect that people who are older would have a higher percentage of having experienced this because they’ve lived so many more years. But only 3 percent of people over 65 had had any experience with NPD, compared with almost 10 percent of people in their 20s. Given that you can only diagnose this when someone is 18, that’s a pretty short number of years in which to have this experience.

That’s a pretty big indication that this is an out-of-control epidemic.

What Are The Subtypes of Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Subtype Description Personality traits

• Unprincipled narcissist Including antisocial features: These people have a deficient conscience; unscrupulous, amoral, disloyal, fraudulent, deceptive, arrogant, exploitive; a con artist and charlatan; dominating, contemptuous, vindictive.
• Amorous narcissist Including histrionic features:. These people are sexually seductive, enticing, beguiling, tantalizing; glib and clever; disinclined to real intimacy; indulges hedonistic desires; bewitches and inveigles others; pathological lying and swindling. Tends to have many affairs, often with exotic partners.
• Compensatory narcissist Including negativistic and avoidant features: These people cancel out deep feelings of inferiority and lack of self-esteem; offsets deficits by creating illusions of being superior, exceptional, admirable, noteworthy; self-worth results from self-enhancement.
• Elitist narcissist, Variant of pure pattern: These people feel privileged and empowered by virtue of special childhood status and pseudo-achievements; entitled façade bears little relation to reality; seeks favored and good life; is upwardly mobile; cultivates special status and advantages by association.
• Normal narcissist: Absent of the traits of the other four, this is the least severe and most interpersonally concerned and empathetic, still entitled and deficient in reciprocity; bold in environments, self-confident, competitive, seeks high targets, feels unique; talent in leadership positions; expecting of recognition from others.

Possible additional categories (not cited by the current theory of Millon might include):

• Fanatic narcissist: Including paranoid features. Grandiose delusions are irrational and flimsy; pretentious, expensive supercilious contempt and arrogance toward others; lost pride reestablished with extravagant claims and fantasies. Reclassified under paranoid personality disorder.
• Hedonistic narcissist: Mix of Millon’s initial four subtypes Hedonistic and self-deceptive, avoidant of responsibility and blame, shifted onto others; idiosyncratic, often self-biographical, proud of minor quirks and achievements, conflict-averse and sensitive to rejection; procrastinative, self-undoing, avolitive, ruminantly introspective; the most prone to fantastic inner worlds that replace social life.
• Malignant narcissist Including antisocial, sadistic and paranoid features. Fearless, guiltless, remorseless, calculating, ruthless, inhumane, callous, brutal, rancorous, aggressive, biting, merciless, vicious, cruel, spiteful; hateful and jealous; anticipates betrayal and seeks punishment; desires revenge; has been isolated, and is potentially suicidal or homicidal.

Will Titshaw also suggested three subtypes of narcissistic personality disorder. These are not officially recognized in any editions of the DSM or the ICD-10.

• Pure Narcissist: Mainly just NPD characteristics. Someone who has narcissistic features described in the DSM and ICD and lacks features from other personality disorders.
• Attention Narcissist Including histrionic (HPD) features. They display the traditional NPD characteristics described in the ICD & DSM along with histrionic features due to the fact that they think they are superior and therefore they should have everyone’s attention, and when they do not have everyone’s attention they go out of their way to capture the attention of as many people as possible.
• Beyond The Rules Narcissist :Including antisocial (ASPD) features. This type of narcissist thinks that because they are so superior to everyone they do not have to follow the rules like most people and therefore show behavior included in the ICD for dissocial personality disorder and behavior, included in the DSM for antisocial personality disorder.

Causes of Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

The exact cause of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is unknown; however, many psychologists believe that this shame-based disorder derives from a combination of biological, genetic, and social factors. It’s likely that the narcissist grew up in an extreme environment: living with neglect and abuse, pushed toward perfection or being praised for “having special talents.”

The causes of narcissistic personality disorder are unknown,The causes of narcissistic personality disorder are unknown. Experts tend to apply a biopsychosocial model of causation, meaning that a combination of environmental, social, genetic and neurobiological factors are likely to play a role in formulating a narcissistic personality.

Genetic Factors

There is evidence that narcissistic personality disorder is inheritable, and people are much more likely to develop NPD if there is a family history of the disorder. Studies on the occurrence of personality disorders in twins determined that there is a moderate to high inheritability for narcissistic personality disorder.

However, the specific genes and gene interactions that contribute to its cause – and how they may influence the developmental and physiological processes underlying this condition – have yet to be determined.

Environment

Environmental and social factors are also thought to have a significant influence on the onset of NPD. In some people, pathological narcissism may develop from an impaired attachment to their primary caregivers, usually their parents. This can result in the child’s perception of himself/herself as unimportant and unconnected to others. The child typically comes to believe they have some personality defect that makes them unvalued and unwanted. Overindulgent, permissive parenting as well as insensitive, over-controlling parenting, are believed to be contributing factors.

According to Leonard Groopman and Arnold Cooper, the following have been identified by various researchers as possible factors that promote the development of NPD:

• An oversensitive temperament (personality traits) at birth.
• Excessive admiration that is never balanced with realistic feedback.
• Excessive praise for good behaviors or excessive criticism for bad behaviors in childhood.
• Overindulgence and overvaluation by parents, other family members, or peers.
• Being praised for perceived exceptional looks or abilities by adults.
• Severe emotional abuse in childhood.
• Unpredictable or unreliable caregiving from parents.
• Learning manipulative behaviors from parents or peers.
• Valued by parents as a means to regulate their own self-esteem.

Cultural elements are believed to influence the prevalence of NPD as well since NPD traits have been found to be more common in modern societies than in traditional ones.

What Are The Co-Morbid Conditions Associated With NPD?

NPD has a high rate of comorbidity with other mental disorders. People with NPD are prone to bouts of depression, often meeting criteria for co-occurring depressive disorders.

In addition, NPD is associated with bipolar disorder, anorexia, and substance use disorders, especially cocaine. As far as other personality disorders, NPD may be associated with histrionic, borderline, antisocial, and paranoid personality disorders.

Symptoms Of Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

Narcissistic personality disorder usually develops in adolescence or early adulthood. It is not uncommon for children and adolescents to display traits similar to those of NPD, but such occurrences are usually transient, so it’s important to get an actual diagnosis before assuming their teen has NPD.

True symptoms of NPD are pervasive, apparent in various situations, and rigid, remaining consistent over time. The NPD symptoms must be sufficiently severe that they significantly impair the person’s capabilities to develop meaningful human relationships. Generally, the symptoms of NPD also impair the person’s psychological abilities to function, either at work, or school, or important social settings. The DSM-5 indicates that the traits shown by the person must substantially differ from cultural norms, in order to qualify as symptoms of NPD.

According to the DSM-5: “Many highly successful individuals display personality traits that might be considered narcissistic. Only when these traits are inflexible, maladaptive, and persisting and cause significant functional impairment or subjective distress do they constitute narcissistic personality disorder.” Due to the high-functionality associated with narcissism, some people may not view it as an impairment in their lives.

Although overconfidence tends to make individuals with NPD ambitious, it does not necessarily lead to success and high achievement professionally.

These people can be unwilling to compete or may refuse to take any risks in order to avoid appearing like a failure. In addition, their inability to tolerate setbacks, disagreements, or criticism, along with lack of empathy, make it difficult for these people to work cooperatively with others or to maintain long-term professional relationships with superiors and colleagues.

The DSM-5 indicates that persons with NPD usually display some or all of the following symptoms (most often without the qualities or accomplishments they believe to have):

• Grandiosity with expectations of superior treatment from other people
• Fixated on fantasies of power, success, intelligence, attractiveness
• Self-perception of being unique, superior, and associated with high-status people and institutions
• Needing continual admiration from others
• Sense of entitlement to special treatment and to obedience from others
• Exploitative of others to achieve personal gain
• Unwilling to empathize with the feelings, wishes, and needs of other people
• Intensely envious of others, and the belief that others are equally envious of them
• Pompous and arrogant demeanor

People with NPD tend to exaggerate their skills, accomplishments, and their level of intimacy with people they consider high-status. This sense of superiority may cause them to monopolize conversations or to become impatient or disdainful when others talk about themselves. When their own ego is wounded by a real or perceived criticism (triggering narcissistic rage); narcissistic rage and anger is usually disproportionate to the situation, but generally, their actions and responses are deliberate and calculated.

Narcissistic people can be controlling, blaming, self-absorbed, intolerant of others’ views, unaware of others’ needs and the effects of their behavior on others, and insist that others see them as they wish to be seen. Narcissistic individuals use various strategies to protect themselves and their beliefs at the expense of others. They tend to devalue, derogate, insult, and blame others, and they often respond to threatening feedback with anger and hostility.

Since the fragile ego of individuals with NPD is hypersensitive to perceived criticism or defeat, they are prone to feelings of shame, humiliation, and worthlessness over minor or even imagined incidents. They usually mask these feelings from others with feigned humility or by isolating themselves socially, or they may react with outbursts of rage, defiance, or by revenge seeking.

The merging of the “inflated self-concept” and the “actual self” is seen in the inherent grandiosity of narcissistic personality disorder. Also at the heart of this process are the defense mechanisms of denial, idealization, and devaluation.

According to the Cleveland Clinic, those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

• Are self-centered and boastful
• Seek constant attention and admiration
• Consider themselves better than others
• Exaggerate their talents and achievements
• Believe that they are entitled to special treatment
• Are easily hurt but might not show it
• Might take advantage of others to achieve their goals
• Exaggerates his or her own importance
• Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence or ideal romance
• Believes he or she is special and can only be understood by other special people or institutions
• Requires constant attention and admiration from others
• Has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
• Takes advantage of others to reach his or her own goals
• Disregards the feelings of others, lacks empathy
• Is often envious of others or believes other people are envious of him or her
• Shows arrogant behaviors and attitudes
• A narcissist often exhibits intense and unstable emotions when their self-concept is challenged.

Other common traits of narcissistic personality disorder include:

• Preoccupation with fantasies that focus on unlimited success, power, intelligence, beauty, or love
• Belief that he or she is “special” and unique, and can only be understood by other special people
• Expectation that others will automatically go along with what he or she wants
• Inability to recognize or identify with the feelings, needs, and viewpoints of others
• Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her
• Hypersensitivity to insults (real or imagined), criticism, or defeat; possibly reacting with rage, shame, and humiliation
• Arrogant behavior and/or attitude
• The narcissistic individual’s sense of self is extremely distorted. A narcissist feels they must demonstrate feelings of superiority to compensate for a severe lack of self-esteem.

Treatment For Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

Those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder rarely seek treatment, as they genuinely believe that everyone else is the problem.

Treatment for narcissistic personality disorder can be challenging because people with this condition present with a great deal of grandiosity and defensiveness, which makes it difficult for them to acknowledge problems and vulnerabilities. Individual and group psychotherapy may be useful in helping people with narcissistic personality disorder relate to others in a healthier and more compassionate way.

Mentalization-based therapy, transference-focused psychotherapy, and schema-focused psychotherapy have all been suggested as effective ways of treating narcissistic personality disorder.

If the individual with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is extremely impulsive, tests reality, or is self-destructive, they may end up in a medical facility to treat those fall-outs and receive a diagnosis there.

Psychotherapy can be helpful for Depression and difficulties within the narcissist’s interpersonal relationships.

Group therapy can be especially helpful for those with NPD, as they are put into a situation where a group (without an authority figure) challenges their psychological beliefs.

The Children Of Those Who Have Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

Read more about ACONs, Adult Children of Narcissists.It’s clear that there are hundreds of thousands of people around the world who were raised by at least one narcissist, and it wreaked havoc on our self-esteem, feelings of well-being and safety, and confidence and courage.

Being raised by a narcissist makes us believe that throughout our lives, we are just not “good enough” despite everything we try and bending over backwards to please others.

Children of narcissists who don’t become one themselves often have a common coping mechanism to deal with this: capitulation and sublimation (perhaps not the healthiest but effective). Give the narcissist what they want and then move on. It’s the path of least resistance, right? Except that by doing so, there are greater implications

Ultimately, it prevents these adult children of narcissists (ACON) from developing certain relationship and emotional boundaries as we get older. It’s not easy to do when you’re used to giving someone they “love” free reign to walk all over them. Narcissistic parents do not just disempower their us, they rob us entirely of our power, often leading us to seek extremely codependent relationships.

The unhealed wound of the child of a narcissist can also create a vacuum easily filled by adding another narcissist in our lives, often in our friendships and romantic relationships. Since we’ve learned not to be bothered by their parents’ narcissistic and self-absorbed behaviors, we subconsciously draw narcissists to us.

And narcissists, who are so adept at recognizing pressure points and how far to push boundaries, will engage in the same kind of push/pull dynamic we’ve had been normalized during our childhood.

These behaviors that seem disrespectful might very well be excused in a friend because like the parent, “that’s just how they are.”

NPD damages your boundaries; the invisible barriers between you and your outside systems that regulate the flow of information and input between you and these systems. These damaged boundaries may thwart your ability to communicate authentically and powerfully, and taint your own self-concept, which in turn damages your relationships and your capability to thrive personally and professionally in the world.

Most adult children of narcissists (ACONs) never get the help they need to recover and heal, because we have no idea that what we’ve experienced as children is unhealthy and destructive.

• Often, we, as children of narcissists, are overly-sensitive, deeply insecure, unable to see ourselves as good, worthy, and lovable. What’s worse is that we’re so familiar with narcissism (because we’ve dealt with it all their lives) that we unconsciously attract it into their lives, through our adult relationships, and in our work cultures, and careers.
• Feeling like we are never, ever good enough or valuable enough
• We can be deeply afraid to speak up confidently or challenge others
• We are quite attuned (to an almost uncanny degree) to what everyone around us is feeling, as we have a hyper-sensitivity to what others are experiencing. This is the way we survived living with a narcissistic parent, which can lead to our inability to protect themselves from others’ emotions.
• We may feel chronically unsure of ourselves, and overly-concerned about what others think of us
• We are very insecure, because we’ve never experienced unconditional love. Any love or care that we got through out childhood was only under certain challenging conditions that made ues feel inauthentic and fake.
• We may discover that the relationships we form (either at work or in personal life) are deeply challenging and unsatisfying (and even toxic and frightening). When we step back and look at these relationships honestly, we see narcissism all around them and they have no idea how to deal with this.
• Finally, we feel used and beaten up by our work, by our bosses. and our colleagues, and can’t understand why our careers are so challenged and difficult.

If the above experiences resonate with you, it’s time to gain greater awareness of what you’ve experienced in childhood, so you can have greater choice over your thoughts, mindsets and behaviors in order to heal.

We don’t just “get over” being raised by a narcissist. It takes strong therapeutic support to “peel back the onion” and heal the wounds — to have the courage to look at the specific brand of narcissism you experienced (it’s different in every family), how this has impacted you, and the way you operate, and learn new behaviors that will allow you to heal the child within and become the adult you long to be.

Romantic Relationships And The Narcissist:

Relationships with a narcissist are never about partnership because the nature of narcissistic love is a one-sided, mental, and/or physical connection that dictates the terms of the relationship. In romantic relationships, narcissists use scripted “romantic” gestures or words to express their “love.”

Sex will often dominate in a relationship with a narcissist. They will “do” more than “feel” in a relationship because they have an extremely limited emotional range.

If you choose a narcissist as a lover (although really they’re the ones choosing you), you may find your entire reality turned upside down. It’s easy to fall in love with a narcissist and not realize what hit you. They charm you, come off responsible, and in control.

On the surface, they seem like the whole package.

We’ve been socialized to look for a lot of attributes that narcissists possess in a partner. Romance books are filled with narcissistic men who are beautiful, possessive, jealous, and financially successful. Like every fairy tale or vapid romantic comedy, these books prop up this fantasy male who wants only the female character and will stop at nothing until he has her.

His love will make her feel special, chosen; even saved.

And, in turn, she will surrender her entire self to him, allowing obsession to become possession.

We’ve been programmed to love the narcissist and forsake our self-respect, our identities, and our power in the process. Nothing matters besides to serving and placating this person to whom we are indebted for their “love,” even if their love comes from a dark, twisted place. It’s very rare that we are able to notice how dark and bad things have become. A narcissist is excellent at getting us to put up with more than we should, get us to ignore their instincts, as well as control it so that we only see what they want us to see.

You can get a real high or rush from getting the love from a narcissist. This love makes feel great about ourselves; if someone held in such high esteem (whether that esteem matches reality is part of the narcissist’s game). Then, we reflect back what they ultimately want to see and believe about themselves, which is that they’re a really — fill in the blank — amazing, wonderful, incredible, generous, all around ideal person. It’s a real ego boost to appear so cared for (it’s all about appearances) to be with someone who has it “together” and provides for you.

It’s a cycle, and once you’re in it, it feels really good.

Until it doesn’t.

Inevitably, as with any relationship, there will be opportunities for growth as well as challenges. If you’re in a romantic relationship with a narcissist, they’re rarely bumps in the relationship, – they’re landmines, and before you know it you may find yourself in a a field of these landmines. Things you didn’t see until they’re too late.

One misstep (or perceived misstep) and they go into a narcissistic rage.

Narcissistic rage is the response to narcissistic injury. Narcissistic injury occurs when a narcissistic individual perceives to be criticized so deeply that it creates severe emotional pain or scarring. It throws them from the invisible throne of superiority down into the masses.

Some narcissists can be very nasty and say mean, horrible, awful things that can cut us to our core if and when we challenge them. Other narcissists may be overly critical, spouting out criticisms about co-workers or family members –  things we easily excuse or dismiss. The narcissist acting this way because he or she is  tired, hungry, stressed out, or having a really bad day.

They will eventually turn on you and you will become the source of their narcissistic rage.

The longer we’re in a relationship with a narcissist, the worse it becomes. We may internalize the criticism so much that we honestly everything that bothers or upsets him or her is our fault.

We may not have much room for our friends because dealing with a narcissist can be so time and energy-consuming, or they may not want to share us with our friends.

Whatever the reason, it’s the shame/guilt cycle that we don’t realize until much later, as it’s now accepted it as a normal relationship dynamic. 

Over time, we may find ourselves walking on eggshells around them, ensuring we don’t say or do the wrong thing to trigger them.

That’s always the rub with narcissists: we hurt them; it’s never the other way around unless we deserved it – but we always end up feeling we really deserved it. That’s the guilt. We are made to feel we perpetrated the wrong, and we are thereby doomed to feel shame over it.

One of the most difficult things about dealing with the guilt of being in relationship with a narcissist is realizing that if we want to save ourselves from the relationship, we have to let it go. 

Am I Dating Someone With Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

How do you know when you’re dealing with a narcissist?

While most of us are guilty of some of the following behaviors at one time or another, a pathological narcissist tends to exhibit habitually several of the following personas, while remaining largely unaware of (or unconcerned with) how his or her actions affect others.

Charming: Narcissists can be very charismatic and persuasive. When they’re interested in you (for their own gratification), they make you feel very special and wanted. However, once they lose interest in you (most likely after they’ve gotten what they want, or became bored), they may drop you without a second thought. A narcissist can be very engaging and sociable, as long as you’re fulfilling what she desires, and giving her all of your attention.

Breaks the Rules: The narcissist enjoys getting away with violating rules and social norms, such as cutting in line, chronic under-tipping (some will overtip to show off), stealing office supplies, breaking multiple appointments, or disobeying traffic laws.

Conversation Stealer: The narcissist loves to talk about him or herself, and doesn’t give you a chance to take part in a two-way conversation. You struggle to have your views and feelings heard. When you do get a word in, if it’s not in agreement with the narcissist, your comments are likely to be corrected, dismissed, or ignored.

Violates Your Boundaries: he or she shows wanton disregard for other people’s thoughts, feelings, possessions, and physical space. Oversteps and uses others without consideration or sensitivity. Borrows items or money without returning. Breaks promises and obligations repeatedly. Shows little remorse and blames the victim for his or her personal lack of respect

Conversation Interrupter: While many people have the poor communication habit of interrupting others, the narcissist interrupts and quickly switches the focus back to herself. He or she shows little genuine interest in you.

Pretending To Be They’re Something They’re Not: Many narcissists like to do things to impress others by making themselves look good externally. This “trophy” complex can exhibit itself physically, romantically, sexually, socially, religiously, financially, materially, professionally, academically, or culturally.

In these situations, the narcissist uses people, objects, status, and/or accomplishments to represent the self, substituting for the perceived, inadequate “real” self.

These grandstanding “merit badges” are often exaggerated.

The underlying message of this type of display is: “I’m better than you!” or “Look at how special I am—I’m worthy of everyone’s love, admiration, and acceptance!”

In a big way, these external symbols become pivotal parts of the narcissist’s false identity, replacing the real and injured self.

Psychological Manipulator: They think of others as extensions of themselves, making decisions for others to suit one’s own needs. The narcissist may use his or her romantic partner, child, friend, or colleague to meet unreasonable self-serving needs, fulfill unrealized dreams, or cover up self-perceived inadequacies and flaws.

They’re Owed: Narcissists often expect preferential treatment from others. They expect others to cater (often instantly) to their needs, without being considerate in return. In their firmly held beliefs, the world genuinely revolves around them.

Grandiose, Over-The-Top Personality: narcissists think of themselves as a hero or heroine, a prince or princess, and one of a kind special person. Some narcissists have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, believing that others cannot live or survive without his or her magnificent contributions.

Negative Emotions. Many narcissists enjoy spreading and arousing negative emotions to gain attention, feel powerful, and keep you insecure and off-balance. They are easily upset at any real or perceived slights or inattentiveness. They may throw a tantrum if you disagree with their views, or fail to meet their expectations.

They are extremely sensitive to criticism, and typically respond with heated argument (fight) or cold detachment (flight). Narcissists are often quick to judge, criticize, ridicule, and blame you.

Some narcissists are emotionally abusive. By making you feel inferior, they boost their fragile ego, and feel better about themselves.

Am I A Victim Of Narcissistic Abuse?

See also: Emotional abuse

See also: Psychological Manipulation

Imagine this: your entire reality has been warped and distorted. You have been mercilessly violated, manipulated, lied to, ridiculed, demeaned, and gaslighted into believing that you are imagining things. The person you thought you knew and the life you built together have been shattered into a million little pieces.

Your sense of self has been eroded, diminished. You were idealized, devalued, then shoved off the pedestal. Perhaps you were even replaced and discarded multiple times, only to be lured back into an abuse cycle that’s more torturous than it was before. Maybe you were relentlessly stalked, harassed, and bullied to stay with your abuser.

This was no normal break-up or relationship: this was a set-up for covert and insidious murder of your psyche and sense of safety in the world. There may not be visible scars to tell the tale; all you have are broken pieces, fractured memories, and internal battle wounds.

This Is What Narcissistic Abuse Looks Like:

Psychological violence by malignant narcissists can include verbal and emotional abuse, toxic projection, stonewalling, sabotage, smear campaigns, triangulation, along with a plethora of other forms of coercion and control. The narcissist is someone who lacks empathy, demonstrates an excessive sense of entitlement, and uses interpersonal exploitation to meet his or her needs at the expense of the rights of others.

As a result of chronic abuse, you may struggle with symptoms of PTSD, Complex PTSD if they had additional traumas like being abused by narcissistic parents or even what is known as “Narcissistic Victim Syndrome.” The aftermath of narcissistic abuse can include depression, anxiety, hypervigilance, a pervasive sense of toxic shame, emotional flashbacks that regress you back to the abusive incidents, as well as overwhelming feelings of helplessness and worthlessness.

When we are in the midst of an ongoing abuse cycle, it can be difficult to pinpoint exactly what we are experiencing because abusers are able to twist and turn reality to suit their own needs, engage in intense love-bombing after abusive incidents, and convince us that we are the abusers.

If you find yourself experiencing any of the symptoms below and you are (or have been) in a toxic relationship with a partner that disrespects, invalidates and mistreats you, you may just have been terrorized by an emotional predator:

You Isolate Yourself:

Many abusers isolate you as a power play, but you also isolate themselves because you feel ashamed about the abuse you’re experiencing. Given the victim-blaming and misconceptions about emotional and psychological violence in society, you may even be re-traumatized by law enforcement, family members, friends, and the harem members of the narcissist who might invalidate their perceptions of the abuse.

You fear no one will understand or believe you, so instead of reaching out for help, you withdraw from others as a way to avoid judgment and retaliation from your narcissistic abuser.

Dissociation Is How You Survive:

You feel emotionally and/or physically detached from your environment, experiencing disruptions in your memory, perceptions, consciousness and sense of self. As Dr. Van der Kolk (2015) writes in his book, The Body Keeps the Score, “Dissociation is the essence of trauma. The overwhelming experience is split off and fragmented, so that the emotions, sounds, images, thoughts, and physical sensations take on a life of their own.”

Dissociation can lead to emotional numbing in the face of horrific circumstances. Mind-numbing activities, obsessions, addictions, and repression may become your way of life because they give you an escape from your current reality. Your brain finds ways to emotionally block out the impact of your pain so you do not have to deal with the full terror of your circumstances.

You may also develop traumatized inner parts that become disjointed from the personality you inhabit with your abuser or loved ones. These inner parts may include the inner child parts of you never nurtured, the true anger and disgust you feel towards your abuser and parts of yourselves you feel you cannot express around them.

According to therapist Rev. Sheri Heller (2015), “Integrating and reclaiming dissociated and disowned aspects of the personality is largely dependent on constructing a cohesive narrative, which allows for the assimilation of emotional, cognitive, and physiological realities.” This inner integration is best done with the help of a trauma-based therapist.

You Become Distrustful Of All People:

The longer the abuse persists, the more you believe each person now represents a threat; you find yourself becoming anxious about the intentions of others, especially having experienced the malicious actions of someone you once trusted.

Your usual caution becomes hypervigilance.

Since the narcissistic abuser has worked hard to gaslight you into believing that your experiences are invalid, you have a hard time trusting anyone, including yourself.

You Walk On Constant Eggshells:

A common symptom of trauma is avoiding anything that represents reliving the trauma – whether it be people, places, or activities that pose that threat. Whether it be your friend, your partner, your family member, co-worker or boss, you find yourself constantly watching what you say or do around this person lest you incur their wrath, punishment, or become the object of their envy.

However, you realize that this does not work and you’re still the abuser’s target whenever he or she feels entitled to use you as an emotional punching bag.

You become perpetually anxious about ‘provoking’ your abuser in any way and may avoid confrontation or setting boundaries as a result.

You may also extend your people-pleasing behavior outside of the abusive relationship, losing your ability to be spontaneous or assertive while navigating the outside world, especially with people who resemble or are associated with your abuser and the abuse.

You’ve Stopped Being You:

You may have once been full of life, goal-driven, and dream-oriented. Now, you feel as if you are living just to fulfill the needs of another person. Once, the narcissist’s entire life seemed to revolve around you; now your entire life revolves around them.

You may have placed your goals, hobbies, friendships and personal safety on the back burner just to ensure that your abuser feels ‘satisfied’ in the relationship.

Of course, you soon realize that he or she will never truly be satisfied regardless of what you do or don’t do. You are struggling with health issues and somatic symptoms that represent your psychological turmoil.

Health Issues Begin To Arise That Represent Your Inner Psychological Turmoil:

You may have gained or lost a significant amount of weight, developed serious health issues that did not exist prior and experienced physical symptoms of premature aging. The stress of chronic abuse has sent your cortisol levels into overdrive and your immune system has taken a severe hit, leaving you vulnerable to physical ailments and disease.

You find yourself unable to sleep or experiencing terrifying nightmares when you do, reliving the trauma through emotional or visual flashbacks that bring you back to the site of the original wounds.

You Experience Suicidal Thoughts And Engage In Self-Harming Behaviors:

Along with depression and anxiety may come an increased sense of hopelessness pervading your life.

Your circumstances feel unbearable, as if you cannot escape, even if you wanted to. You develop a sense of learned helplessness that makes you feel as if you don’t wish to survive another day. You may even engage in self-harm as a way to cope. As Dr. McKeon, chief of the suicide prevention branch at SAMHSA notes, victims of intimate partner violence are twice as likely to attempt suicide multiple times. This is the way abusers essentially commit murder without a trace.

You Compare Yourself To Others, And Blame Yourself For The Abuse:

A narcissistic abuser is highly skilled at manufacturing love triangles or bringing another person into the dynamic of the relationship to further terrorize the you. As a result, you internalize the fear that you are not enough and may constantly strive to ‘compete’ for the abuser’s attention and approval.

You may also compare yourself to others in happier, healthier relationships or find themselves wondering why your abuser appears to treat complete strangers with more respect. This can send you down the trapdoor of wondering, “why me?” and stuck in an abyss of self-blame.

The truth is, the abuser is the person who should be blamed – you are in no way responsible for being abused.

You Sabotage Yourself And Self-Destruct:

You may often find yourself ruminating over the abuse and hearing the abuser’s voice in your minds, amplifying your negative self-talk and tendency towards self-sabotage.

Malignant narcissists ‘program’ and condition their victims to self-destruct – sometimes even to the point of driving them to suicide.

Due to the narcissist’s covert and overt put-downs, verbal abuse and hypercriticism, you may develop a tendency to punish yourself because you carry such toxic shame. The abuser may sabotage you goals, dreams, and academic pursuits. The abuser has instilled in you a sense of worthlessness and you begin to believe that you are undeserving of good things.

You’re Afraid To Do What You Love, Are Afraid of Success:

As many pathological predators are envious of their victims, they punish their victims for succeeding. This conditions you to associate their joys, interests, talents, and areas of success with cruel and callous treatment. This conditioning gets you to fear success lest you be met with reprisal and reprimand.

As a result, you may become depressed, anxious, lack confidence and you may hide from the spotlight to allow your abusers to ‘steal’ the show again and again. Realize that your abuser is not undercutting your gifts because they truly believe you are inferior; it is because those gifts threaten their control over you.

You Protect Your Narcissist And Rationalize The Abuse:

Rationalizing, minimizing and denying the abuse are often survival mechanisms for people in an abusive relationship. In order to reduce the confusion that erupts when the person who claims to love you mistreats you, victims of abuse convince themselves that the abuser is really not ‘all that bad’ or that they must have done something to ‘provoke’ the abuse.

It is important to reduce this cognitive dissonance by reading up on the narcissistic personality and abuse tactics; this way, you are able to reconcile your current reality with the narcissist’s false self by recognizing that the abusive personality, not the charming facade, is really who they are underneath it all..

Remember that an intense trauma bond is often formed between the victim and abuser because the victim is ‘trained’ to rely on the abuser for his or her survival. You may protect your abusers from legal consequences, portray a happy image of the relationship on social media or overcompensate by ‘sharing the blame’ of the abuse.

Leaving A Narcissist:

See also Domestic Abuse

See also Estrangement

Narcissists are hard nuts to crack. Don’t fall in love with a narcissist or entertain illusions they’re capable of the give and take necessary for intimacy. In such relationships, you’ll always be emotionally alone to some degree. If you have a withholding narcissist spouse, beware of trying to win the nurturing you never got from your parents; it’s not going to happen. Also, don’t expect to have your sensitivity honored. These people sour love with all the hoops you must jump through to please them.

Here are some suggestions for leaving a narcissist (or becoming estranged from them):

Don’t Fall For Their Manipulations

They will use every trick in the book to get you back so be prepared. Narcissists are really convincing. When you are ready to leave, stick to your convictions and move on to a more positive future filled with real love.

Set Limits and Boundaries

Since narcissists have no empathy, and cannot really love, you must leave them cold turkey and endure the pain. Set limits and say “no” to them and in your heart.

Then gather all your strength and keep walking into the unknown towards something better.

Enforce a “no contact” rule with your girl or boyfriend in order to take the time to heal, assess the situation and regain your emotional strength.

Focus on the Future

Once detached from a narcissist it is extremely important than you focus all your positive energy and thoughts on doing good things for yourself and the world. Don’t let your mind wander to the past or to what he is doing.

Be Kind to Yourself

Treasure yourself. Be very kind to yourself and know that you deserve a loving relationship with someone who can reciprocate that love.

Regain Your Self-Esteem

Regain your self-confidence and self love.  It is paramount that you regain your own sense of self worth and reject people that abuse, control or lie to you in your life.

It is self preservation and  right to all of us.

Be Safe

Leave the relationship in a safe manner. If you feel threatened by your spouse, enlist friends or family to assist you in your exit. Always be safe, and be smart.

Talk It Out

Find a friend to confide in. You may feel you have lost your support system due to the relationship demands of a narcissistic spouse, but chances are you have not. You need someone to confide in that you can trust.

Support Groups

Join a support group. Codependents Anonymous, or CODA, is a place to share your feelings and provides support and insight into healing from a traumatic relationship.

Why It’s Hard For You To Leave A Narcissist:

See also estrangement resources

See also: codependency resources

Giving Up Control to Your Partner

Often, you will find yourself giving up control in your life to keep your partner happy. Your trips to see your family and friends may shorten and become farther apart in time. You may give up your finances to keep the peace, or maybe you feel like a stranger redecorated your house because there is nothing of you in it. Although it is disturbing, it may be better than the continuous “bad mood” and incessant bickering of your partner if you don’t comply. Eventually, the narcissist may have taken over your life and you feel as though you have become helpless without him.

Treating the Narcissistic Behavior as Normal

As a good person, you may believe that eventually the narcissist will come around and love you back with the same compassion that you provide them. The idea of give and take in a relationship is a valued component of a love match that the narcissist is not capable of in the long term. If they promise not to treat you as they have in the past, they cannot not sustain the facade for very long.

They Know How To Push Your Buttons

It is common to leave a narcissist spouse or partner several times before the final breakup. They know what you want to hear and will promise to become the person that will treat you better, not abuse you, not lie to you, not control you, be more flexible, give you your space, trust you, etc. But a true narcissist cannot sustain those ideals and eventually return to their former behavior.

Narcissists Keep Returning to Win You Back

A narcissistic spouse will ask you to come back at intervals and will lie and promise anything if you to return. When you agree to “loving them” you feed the narcissistic supply of admiration and adoration in your narcissistic spouse. Usually, just when you feel you are healing and ready to move on, the narcissist returns with gifts and promises of showing you how they love you. Eventually, you find that nothing has changed in the relationship.