by Band Back Together | Mar 25, 2016 | Bullying, Childhood Bullying, Teen Bullying |
4 years old, the boy,
Likes dinosaurs and legos
coloring things on white paper
he likes to draw butterflies and flowers
Tall, strong trees full of leaves
8 years old, the boy,
likes riding bikes and drawing;
Etching things on lined paper
Later he’ll use those lines for a story about
words
Tall, strong words full of meaning
12 years old, the boy,
likes drawing sunsets and waterfalls
The things he designs are “for girls”
He has to use his fists to defend himself
when he would rather use them to cradle a paintbrush
Like how his mom held him close
as he came home from school and yelled
“Mom! Michael didn’t hit me today!”
The other boys call him things
things that make him cry when he gets home
Tall, strong words full of meaning
14 years old, the boy,
Doesn’t really like anything anymore
He stays inside most of the time
and washes his hands frequently
because whenever the bullies had him on the ground
he noticed his hands were dusty; so he doesn’t like dust
He tries to be himself but that’s too hard now
No more words, half dead
Didn’t take art like he wanted to
Void of meaning
16 years old, the boy,
like music and poetry
and the solace of words
tall, strong beautiful words
He wants to be a musician someday
The other boys don’t like him, but that’s okay
Those times they pushed him around
Those times they made him cry
Later he’ll use those lines in his book he’s writing
He says he’s been growing the book for 17 years
From a small acorn
each page covered in those butterflies and flowers
He likes writing and he doesn’t care what people think of him
The book stands: a beacon
Tall, strong, a heretic in plain sight
And casting light on the darkness he feels
The book may not mean much to others
Like how you pass a thousand trees on your way to the grocery store
To pick up your 1,000th jug of milk
But to him it is tall, strong
and full of healing
This poem is about how bullying messes up your mindset and stops you from doing things you want to do. Sometimes it seems like the only thing you are is a victim, and there is nothing you can do to make that stop. Bullying is massive.
By-Hihowareyou
by Band Back Together | Mar 25, 2016 | Abuse, Anger, Breakups, Marriage Problems, Sadness |
Shit.
That’s all I’m thinking. Shit. I’m pissed.
… I don’t know why you don’t get it, are you stupid? You pretending to be naive? No… maybe not?
You ask me to skype, see my family… I-don’t-want-to.
It’s been around 9 months since I stormed out of your house, remember that night? That you were towering over me… beating me up as my son cried in the other room. Don’t yet? I wish I didn’t have to. Because that’s all I think about when we e-mail or text.
You complain you haven’t seen my son… but do you hear me complaining about you being a shitty mom? A shitty support system? A shitty person to me? Do you hear me complaining right now about how much lack of care you STILL show over my emotions? How fucking selfish you still are?
And you wonder why I’m pissed at you…
I live a sea away, and I still sometimes feel your grip over me… Your constant pressure to have me answer your questions, constant pressure over your emotions threatening to drown me.
Drowning… Sometimes I feel like I’m trapped inside this little bottle. I can’t speak of whats wrong… You’re whats wrong. And I can’t even shoo you away.
Do you ever ask me how I’m doing? How I’m handling my new marriage? Have you ever had the courage to speak about the things you have done to me? The way you have hurt me?
No, all you are crazy about is seeing my son. And that’s why I deny it to you! I scheduled to skype tomorrow, and I am not going to! Because you’re a shitty person and I am PISSED off.
Because whenever I think of making you happy, I remember the times you put your foot down so I could be unhappy, so I could be drowned with more exhaustion, so I could be more lost.
Because you never made the effort to really help me!
You know what? I’m beginning to not care about you. Not care about what happened. I’m beginning to actually move on, but not forget! Don’t think yourself lucky this time, because to me, you’re growing to be a stranger… A bad one at that.
In your eyes I am completely evil. But remember, this is what you showed me to be.
by Band Back Together | Mar 24, 2016 | Abuse, Anger, Domestic Abuse, Fear, Guilt, Psychological Manipulation, Psychological Manipulation |
How does your heart turn off completely? My mind is mush, and everything else about me is confused.
We were set for a trip to his hometown. He changed his mind, because the kid he wanted to bring with us (me, our two kids, and him), couldn’t make it. He decided that we shouldn’t go, not me.
Well, the day of the event, he came to me while I was making dinner. He glared at me, and cornered me against the kitchen sink. He asked, “Why do you do this to me?” I was, of course, confused. I didn’t understand what he was talking about.
He said again, “Why do you do this to me? Are you afraid that I might be happy? You stopped us from going to my home. You stopped her from coming with us. You cancelled our trip without asking me first.”
I didn’t do any of this. He knew I didn’t do any of this, yet I was being blamed for what didn’t go his way.
Then he spit in my face. I was completely sickened by this. Spitting in someone’s face, is something I wouldn’t ever dream of doing to anyone, not even my own worst enemy. I was unaware that a broken heart can break further.
He is mean in his words and actions. He talks about World War III starting, so that he can torture and kill people that anger him. When he reads in the news about a wife being murdered, he will smile at me and say, “I wonder what she did to him to make him murder her.”
At times, I can feel my life hanging in the balance, but at other times, he is loving like he used to be. My poor tired mind and broken heart are so confused. How can you turn off your heart so that you can make the choices that will be better for the whole family?
by Band Back Together | Mar 23, 2016 | Abandonment, Anger, Loneliness, Parent Loss, Therapy |
This is my first post for Band Back Together. It’s been really interesting reading all of your stories. I feel the sense of community in these posts.
I was separated from my mother at the very early age of around three or four.
Recently, I have noticed it is affecting my relationships with a lot of people in my life, including my fiance. I’ve noticed when I am away from her, I rage and become angry. I always seem to look for connections with other people, so I am not alone. I try to either keep myself busy, or I surround myself with other people so that I don’t have to be alone.
I am currently seeking therapy for my abandonment issues.
I would really appreciate some feedback from other people who deal with similar issues.
by Band Back Together | Mar 22, 2016 | Abortion, Abortion Recovery, Adoption, Adult Adoptees, Anger, Anxiety, Family, Fear, Forgiveness, How To Help A Friend With Infertility, In Vitro Fertilization, Infertility, IUI, Medical Mystery Tour, Stress, Trauma |
When I was 15, I had terrible ovarian cysts so my doctor put me on birth control. Not that I needed it – I wasn’t sexually active. It was great. No cysts. When I was about 19, I decided to go off the pill. I was taking them but didn’t need them as I still wasn’t sexually active. I knew it couldn’t be great for me so I just stopped taking them.
And then, I never got another period.
After about a year, I went back to my gynecologist and asked about it, whether it was strange or not. He said it WAS very strange and that it did happen occasionally. I may never get another period and may, in fact, be infertile. He told me this very solemnly and with great empathy. He was a good man.
But me, well, uh, I was ECSTATIC! Infertile? Please. Thank you, god. I was never the kid who planned the wedding and the babies and the names. I had three younger siblings I didn’t really care anything about (now I do). I loved to party and this was before the HIV/AIDS epidemic. (YEAH..I know, I said it. This was mid to late 70′s. Figure out how old I am)
I was trying to be an actor and was living a very vagabondish life. I worked about 10 different jobs so I could live and enjoy my life and sexuality. And then one day I felt different. I went to the clinic and yes, I was pregnant. This was after not using birth control for 6 or 7 years. It was a very easy decision for me to make and I had an abortion. I have never regretted that decision.
I lived my life. I used birth control (not the pill, the sponge… remember the Seinfeld episode when Elaine hoards them?)
And then I met Tom. We were friends, fell in love and got married. I realized that, in fact, I did want to have a family with him and that it was going to be wonderful. My life and expectations were turned upside down by the love I felt for Tom and it was so exciting and fun. We were older and after a year of trying, we started dealing with infertility. I was fine. Tom’s motility was low. No boxers or hot tubs. My eggs were a little old. We did inseminations. (Did any of you ever ALMOST make love in the quiet room with your legs in stirrups? To make it more personal? I KNOW you did!)
About a year later, during an insemination break, I became pregnant. There were little lines on the test and it was so exciting! We told everyone. It was amazing. We went to check in and have an ultrasound and hear the heartbeat and well, you all know… there wasn’t one. It was ectopic. I sobbed as they took me in for my D&C because I wanted this baby that I never wanted. This was a little “me and Tom.” It was heartbreaking for both of us.
The next step was IVF. I became a science experiment. I’m not sure there are enough words to convey how much I hated the process. I was going crazy from the hormones, the daily shots of Lupron and the shots Tom gave me (though, I think he got a little pleasure from it). I had eggs harvested and there were a lot. Not many were viable though. There were enough for a transfer and enough to freeze for the next baby.
So we followed protocol and did everything right. There was no baby. It was heartbreaking. Because for the faintest minute, they thought there was a baby… but no, there wasn’t.
We did it once. That’s all we needed. I looked at Tom and said I didn’t want to be a science experiment anymore. I wanted to be a mom and I was already 38 years old. We moved on to adoption. We were together on this decision. He didn’t need a clone and neither did I.
I am so grateful I was with Tom because someone else may not have seen it that way. And that would have been OK but a problem for us. And with Tom it was not a problem. We moved together to the adoption process and that will be my next post.
Because that was a barrel of laughs, too!
