by Band Back Together | Aug 13, 2014 | Fear, How To Help A Friend With Infertility, In Vitro Fertilization, Infertility |
It’s not uncommon to see my clients struggling to own their stories; especially to own every single part of their stories. We can all struggle to own, accept, embrace, and maybe even like every part of our stories.
I’ve been asked, “How do you just put it all out there without any qualms or fears?” I make sure to be very real, very honest, and very brave. Owning all the parts of my story, even on my strongest of days, involves mustering up courage; this courage does not exist without fear.
On the good days, I say who I am, my choices, and my mistakes without skipping a beat; palms dry, voice steady, my light shining through.
On the harder days I say who I am, my choices, and my mistakes while stumbling over words; palms clammy and hot, voice shaking, and yet, I make sure my hope shines through.
It’s only been through my own brutal work with my therapist that the ownership of my story has strengthened. With this continued work, practice, fight for recovery, my shame slowly dwindles.
I will continue to own and tell my story to help and change myself and – hopefully – others. I can only do this with bravery, feeling the fear, and doing it anyway.
I was recently challenged about the amount I am able to own my story within the limitations of judgment. We all judge, some more so than others. We have all been judged, some more so than others. I’m not sure we’ll ever fully escape this human experience of judgment.
What I do know is that the more I accept, embrace, and own my story – all the parts of my story – including the really difficult, misunderstood, invalidated, and judged parts of my story is that this judgment doesn’t have any room to grow.
It is really difficult to truly judge someone who wholeheartedly accepts, embraces, and owns themselves and every single part of their story.
I am not sure there will ever be a day that I am not judged on my story:
Judged for not figuring out how to try more rounds of IVF, both financially and emotionally,
Judged for knowing and making it clear that we are not choosing to adopt,
Judged for accepting a child-free life while leading a very child-full life,
Judged for living this all out loud,
Judged for attempting to change the shamed silence of infertility,
Judged for authentically living my work in recovery,
And judged for being the genuinely vulnerable therapist that I am.
But I dare you to hold on to your judgments as you read my words let alone hear me speak my story.
I dare you.
I am a survivor of infertility and IVF.
I stopped treatments after two failed rounds, because for us that was enough.
I know adoption is not my path to a family.
I bear the soul scars of three never-to-be babies, and yet I am still a mother.
I accept a child-free life, while having a very child-full life.
I will spend the rest of my life finding the end to my story by giving people permission to break the silence of infertility, and to break the silence of any of their sufferings.
I am resolving to know more than one happy ending.
I am an open and honest therapist who fights for her own recovery.
And, I dare you to judge me.
I have faith and trust that when I own every single part of my story, through my fear, shame and all, your judgment will become uncomfortable enough that your world will open up.
You will learn. You will see me – all of me. With that sight, I can only hope you grow a little more educated, a little more compassionate, and a lot more brave yourself.
And, I assure you, I will not allow your judgment and your misunderstanding to dim my light.
I will own it.
All of it.
Because only then do I find myself again.
And, only then will this light shine bright enough to hopefully give others the ever upward courage to do the very same.
I dare you…
by Band Back Together | Aug 12, 2014 | Abuse, Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents, Depression, Domestic Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Emotional Boundaries, Guilt, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Panic Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder |
Thanks to Band Back Together posts, I’ve found many links about other adult children of narcissistic parents (ACONs). I’m learning a lot about who I am and what I need to do heal from the emotional abuse I lived through.
I now understand that through emotional abuse as a child, a person develops many challenges in his or her adult relationships. ACONs are unable to judge people (especially when it comes to protecting oneself), lack understanding what is bad and wrong, instead believing everyone is good. This is what emotional abuse does – it makes us magnets for abusers in our adult relationships.
Lacking the ability to act assertively and set healthy emotional boundaries is big deal of for ACONs. Since I’ve been to the clinic, I read about narcissistic personality disorder. I now understand that I need to put myself first, to respect myself, and set emotional boundaries. This is new for me: I couldn’t tell when it was too much until was too late. I still struggle but I believe that a part of me is learning to respect myself.
I made a huge step: a friend of mine was celebrating her birthday and was pushing me to go to a disco to party with her. It was far too much for me. I have panic disorder,depression, and struggle interacting in social situations.
I explained to her how I felt, but she continued insisting – she told me she wouldn’t come to my birthday party if I didn’t go to hers. I was about to go. I’d picked out an outfit when it hit me: I knew I’d feel distressed and exhausted. I decided to call her and tell her I wasn’t coming. This was incredibly difficult for me but I did it.
For the first time in my life, I didn’t feel guilty or fear punishment – I felt I needed to respect myself. If she is my friend, she needs to respect my feelings. She doesn’t need to understand them, but she needs to respect them. I’m so proud of myself.
I’m starting to understand what being emotionally abused by a very manipulative malignant narcissistic mother has done to me. I’ve had to learn that it’s okay to say no when one feels like it. I can do that without feeling guilty. This is self-respect, not failing with someone else’s expectations. I’m not hurting anyone by saying I’m sorry, I can’t – I don’t want to do that.
I know it’s a long road I’m facing to learn to say, “No! Don’t touch me!” To put a really angry face when I feel disrespected, and to develop positive aggression to protect myself from abuse. For that, I need to be able to understand my emotional boundaries.
Still can’t. But I’m learning every day.
I now feel comfortable about cutting ties with my ex-boyfriend. I can see that he’s a crazy narcissistic abuser and that the best thing to do was to cut him off. I’d been feeling very insecure about dealing with him as he keeps sending me kind messages. I ignored them, but I was very insecure that cutting him off. Now I know that’s the right thing to do.
I’m loving this new found freedom. I can easily cut out all the abusers in my life. It’s been tough, though. I now see how many narcissistic people I’ve had around me my whole life. How I’ve been abused by friends and that all my ex-boyfriends – without exception – are narcissists. How I let them abuse me without realizing it. I’d get hurt and try to tell them, but they would never hear, I couldn’t see why they’d hurt me. I’d used to think it was because they didn’t realize it. I struggled, trying to make sense of their abuse. So naïve.
Of course they knew it! They just didn’t care.
I’ve got to protect myself.
by Band Back Together | Aug 11, 2014 | Marriage Problems, Stress |
You know, reading books and watching movies you often see the protagonist face a crucial decision. Would he or she become the large-hearted, generous person he or she should be? What would be the outcome of not doing so? What should he or she hold on to? What are the priorities?
And while they say “Fancy please, all I want is everything,” the real world is made of bleaker atoms than that.
Something has been disturbing my peace of mind, and while there isn’t much that I can do about it, there is much fretting that I can still do.
Let me pen portrait the background first. My hubby and his brother had a complicated upbringing (as is my perception of it). Both the boys grew up to be very different even though they have a very strong bond.
My husband is the diligent one. My brother-in-law is the happy-go-lucky one. Both of them have some complexes, and they are different. My husband is his mother’s baby. His brother is father-mushy.
My husband had a hard beginning in his career, but he is a saver. He never splurges more than his means, and always makes sure we are adding to the savings, even if they may be minuscule amounts. And I work. There are two incomes, and that makes the cushion stay.
My brother-in-law has worked at better places comparatively, and ended up living in a big city for a couple of years. The cost of living was high, and his lifestyle habits and demands of the city put a hole in the wallet. His wife stopped working after the first baby arrived. There was no cushion. They lived paycheck to paycheck, and with unexpected expenses shooting in, they looked to family to help them out.
I have never interfered with the monetary and other offers of help extended to the family.
When my sister-in-law got pregnant again, she chose ostensibly to not tell our side of the family till her sixth month (which has permanently dented my desire to communicate with her). During her last trimester she shifted to the hometown for the last stretch.
Then, my brother-in-law lost his job.
His wife was pregnant, and he knew that she will eventually deliver, but my brother-in-law did not pick up the tab of his wife’s labor and delivery charges. My father-in-law did.
And then he was pittied because he had lost his job. He too shifted back to the hometown and began looking for another job.
My sister-in-law stayed with her mum, and conveniently got the older child enrolled in the school that was a stone’s throw away. My brother-in-law lived with his parents, and both of them became bigger martyrs for not being able to stay together.
In the mid-2000’s, we had bought a duplex in our hometown. The next year we rented it out to a family. The rent we received helped us pay our home loan. We were lucky to have very nice tenants, and the same family still inhabits the house.
The house of my in-laws is ancient, and situated to the ill-convenience of everyone. Also, it has now become difficult to manage for my mother-in-law who doesn’t want to hire paid help for household work. My brother-in-law floated the idea of selling it and moving into a smaller flat, so that things would be better. My father-in-law asked for my husband’s opinion. My husband was against selling the property. He did not mind the move but did not want the parental home to be sold. His brother does not have the money to buy a flat on his own, and the idea died a natural death.
Now a new idea has mushroomed. Since my niece has now shifted to a senior class and the building is closer to our duplex. we will give up the rental income and my husband’s family will shift in. My brother-in-law said he and his wife would move in first and then a few months later, he would shift his parents with them.
I cannot change my husband’s decision to get the house vacated, but I made it very clear that the house was not meant to be occupied like this. I don’t want my husband’s brother to move in, unless my in-laws are moving in at the same time.
Now the entire burden of the loan payment will fall on us. My husband’s income is not consistent. We often spar on money related matters. I don’t need a crystal ball to see that he will eventually realize that the drain on him has increased and it will irritate him, even if he does not believe that his family has contributed to his stress.
I can’t make him remove his rose-tinted glasses for his family.
I know I have to let this go, and accept the change, but I am feeling selfish over handing the house to them. I am trying to find the frame of mind of being very generous, but I am struggling.
What would you do if you were in my shoes? Am I being too petty?
by Band Back Together | Aug 7, 2014 | Anxiety, Fear, Phobia, Suicide |
I am scared of everything. I said it before.
I’m scared of the normal stuff, like something happening to my family. I’m scared of the irrational stuff, like circular stairs. I’m scared of the absurd like “walking out of this room and never feeling the same way again.” (Doesn’t everyone misquote Dirty Dancing?)
I’m scared I turned down the only job offer I may get because just going on the interview made me feel like a giant douchebag. I’m scared I’m going to lose my house. I’m scared my health insurance isn’t going to cover me.
I’m scared of living because of everything. I’m not contemplating suicide. That goes back to the fear of something happening or my family. I couldn’t do that to them. I just hate feeling like a loser.
by Band Back Together | Aug 6, 2014 | How To Help A Loved One Who Self-Injures, Self Injury, Uncategorized |
I have self harmed for four years, yet I can think of so many ways to help other people. My counselor and I decided that by sharing my ideas, it might help me by helping others. I will post these in separate posts for the sake of simplicity.
Self Help Idea One: The Shoe Box
The idea for this one is simple. You will build a barricade of things to block you from hurting yourself. The barricade will be strong, and probably hold up against you.
Step One: Find a shoe box. Find two small peices of cloth, big enough to cover the bottom of the box completely. They should not be see through.
Step Two: Gather everything you use to harm yourself. I mean every single razor, every single knife, lighter, needles, paper clips, anything.
Step Three: Put these items at the bottom of the box and cover it up with one of the pieces of cloth.
Step Four: Gather pictures of people that mean a lot to you, and would be hurt if you killed yourself, or knew that you self harm. When you have collected these items, put the second cloth over them.
Step Five: Collect and gather small items that mean a lot to you. Letters from somebody, a small key chain, a charm, jewelery, anything. Put these on top of the cloth.
Step Six: Put the lid of the shoe box on. Tape it shut. Get a pillow case, and put the shoe box in there. Tie it shut, and hide it somewhere. I keep mine under my bed.
Whenever you feel the need to self harm, you will physically have to go through walls to stop you, sit you down, and make you think of what you are going to do. Please remember, I am not a psychologist; only sharing an idea that worked for me. My next idea will be submitted when this one is posted.
