My darling son 36 years old went asleep forever on November 18th from melanoma and I just cant cope wit the loss. He was the light of my life and always had a smile for everyone, especially his “mumma” as he called me. I don’t know how to carry on. Maybe someone on here has experienced the same loss and might be able to help. I just cry all day six weeks on. I miss him so much. He was a beautiful son, husband and brother.
On December 9, International Child Loss Day, we will share with you a list of people who have lost their children, siblings, cousins, best friends, similar to the way we did for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day.
Those tables, forever missing one, are each welcome to share their loved one with us so that we may never forget.
I’m asking you today to pass this post around to anyone who may need it, you can use it if you need it, and you don’t have to have been the parent to feel the loss.
The way I generally organize these precious names is pretty easy:
Name, Parent’s Name, Date of Birth, Date of Death, Cause of Death, a Picture or 3, and if you feel like it, a bit more about your child. Who they were, what they loved, what they hated. Anything you’d like.
You can either send the information to me, becky@bandbacktogether.com or you can use the online submit form. Or, you can lurk. All are acceptable and all are welcome.
We are none of us alone; we are all connected.
When a baby dies, we are fragmented. Shattered, we must pick up the pieces and put them back together as we pay tribute to our children, our tables forever missing one, our families incomplete, our treasures in heaven, our babies alive only in our hearts.
It is through our stories that they live forever. These children were here and they mattered. They were loved.
They are loved.
I saw your pajamas last night.
No, they weren’t the exact ones, of course. I returned yours to the store, along with your bassinet and baby blankets.
These were the same though, your pattern. The ones I picked out to match your nursery. Bright teal, with lime green, hot pink, and bright purple flowers. And panda bears. Lots of pandas.
I showed them to Ian, tried to brush off the longing for you, and made some lighthearted comment. He could tell it upset me, though.
It’s been three years today, October 12. One would think it wouldn’t hurt anymore. Or that I would have tried to heal by having another baby by now. They’re wrong.
It does still hurt. In the lonely nights, when I feel the ghost of your movements, deep in my belly. In the unguarded moments when I let myself watch the baby shows on TLC. When I pass by someone pregnant, and I find myself passing a hand over my empty tummy.
I would have loved to have another baby by now, but it felt a betrayal of you. How could I insist that I missed you when I was holding a new child? Who would believe that there was a hole in my heart bearing your name when they heard my happiness over this new baby?
Is it wrong of me then, that I do crave to hold another baby in my arms?
I’ve given myself time, and I continue to mourn you. But I still have so much love to give. And Ian wants a baby. I want to give him this gift, to share this part of our future together. A part of me still feels I’m forsaking you to do so.
So tell me, my sweet Bella, what am I to do?
How long am I to go on missing the sound of your heartbeat, the feel of your somersaults?
How long before it’s “acceptable” for me to want another child?
How long before I can say your name and not feel the tears in the back of my throat?
And when all these things pass?
How am I to go on living with myself?
You are invited to add your child’s name to our wall of remembrance.
A person’s a person,
no matter how small”
– Dr Seuss
Today, October 15, 2019, we pause to remember the stars of our soul that were extinguished far too early.
To the parents who are missing their babies today and always, The Band sends our love and prayers.
To our babies, the babies who never got to experience the joys of Earth, whose lives were cut very short, we miss you.
We miss you. More than anyone can ever know. We wish we could have one more moment – one single moment – with you, as we can’t have a lifetime.
Today, we honor the short lives of some of the brightest souls, souls that have touched many and have taught us to cherish all of life’s moments.
To our babies who we carry in our hearts, instead of our arms, we will never forget you.
Love,
The Band
Ally’s Baby:
Amanda’s Baby:
Amanda and John’s Babies:
Ameila’s Babies:
Another Becky’s Baby:
Ashleigh’s Baby:
Aunt Becky’s Babies:
Baby Boy:
Baby Ian:
Baby KJ:
Baby Moll:
Baby Noah Walter
Barbara’s Babies:
Blazngfrye’s Babies:
Courtney’s Baby:
Courtney’s Son:
Dawn’s Baby:
Debbie’s Babies:
Elsie’s Ten Possibilities:
Erin’s Babies:
Ewokmama’s Baby:
Fibi’s Baby:
Heather’s Babies:
Her Almost:
Her Highness:
Hubbit:
InDueTime’s Baby:
Jenna’s Daughter:
Jennifer’s Baby:
Joules’ Babies:
Justine and Boo’s Baby:
Kallay and Ryan’s Baby:
Kate’s Babies:
Kathryn’s Baby:
Katie’s Babies:
Kelli’s Babies:
Kelly’s Daughter:
Kelly and Brad’s daughter:
Kelly’s Babies:
Kendra Pocock’s Baby:
Kim’s Baby:
Krista’s Babies:
Kristin’s babies:
L. Moses’ Baby:
Lara and Brandon’s Son:
Lauren C’s Angels:
Leah’s Babies:
Lisa’s Baby:
Lisa’s Baby:
Maresi’s Baby:
Marlowe Corrine, September 19, 2006, early miscarriage.
Melissa’s Baby
Melissa’s Babies:
Mindy’s Three Angels:
Miranda’s Baby:
Natalie’s Baby:
Natalie’s Baby:
Nicole’s Baby:
Nicole and Jake’s baby:
Rachel and Jesse:
Rachel’s Baby:
Rachel’s Babies:
Renee’s Babies:
Sarah’s Baby:
Sarah’s Babies:
Sarah’s Baby:
Susie’s Baby:
Suzanne’s children:
Tammy’s Daughter:
Tammy’s Baby:
Three Angels:
Tiffany’s Babies:
Yvette’s Son:
Allyson’s Son:
Amanda’s Baby:
Angie’s Daughter:
Ann’s Son:
Beka’s Son:
Beryl’s Daughter:
Brenda’s Son:
Danielle’s Baby:
Debbie’s Son:
Debbie And Jeff’s Daughter:
Heather and David’s Daughter:
Jill and Mark’s Baby:
Jolene’s Daughter:
Leslie’s Son:
Lilla and Gareth’s daughter:
Lillie Belle:
Lisa’s Daughter:
Louise and Joseph’s Baby:
Martha’s Twin Boys:
Melanie’s Daughter:
Mel’s Daughter:
Melissa’s Twins:
Nikki’s Son:
Sarah’s Daughter:
Selah Mae: born January 22, 2002, stillborn.
Stephanie’s Son:
TiaMaria’s Daughter:
Amy and James’s Babies:
Baby Helen: Born July, 1993. Passed from prematurity.
Celeste’s Son:
Chantel’s Daughter:
Christine’s Son:
Heather and Aaron’s Son:
Jenn’s Son:
Kate’s Babies:
Kristin’s Baby (Mama KK):
Leleisme’s Babies:
Matthew Chase Sims:
Melissa’s Son:
Melissa’s Daughter:
Nicky’s Son:
Nina’s Son:
Paula’s Baby:
Qudija’s Babies
S & T’s Son:
Vickie’s Son:
Collin, complications from prematurity, 2009
Yvette’s Son:
Aaron and Kristine’s Son:
Amy’s Babies:
Amy’s Babies:
Baby Khalil, born August 14, 2009, stillborn, born still from birth defects.
Baby Kober
Beth’s Son:
Christopher: November 4, 1979, due to pulmonary atresia, a congenital heart defect.
Christopher’s Son:
Cora Mae McCormick:
Ellen’s Son:
Julie’s Daughter:
Kathryn’s Son:
Raquel’s Son:
Ruth’s Son:
Shannon’s Baby:
Suzy’s Son:
Venita’s Son:
Wendy’s Baby:
Amy’s Sons:
Angie’s Daughter:
Baby Dominic:
Baby Kash Michael:
Carey’s Triplet Sons:
Cecily’s Sons:
Heather and Joe’s Twins:
Jana’s Son:
JennK’s Son:
Jenni’s Babies:
Jessie’s Daughter:
Kara’s Daughter:
Lisa’s Daughter:
Matt and Lauren’s Baby:
Rachel’s Daughter:
Scribbles412’s Baby:
Stephanie’s Son:
Venita’s Son:
Aimee’s Babies:
Ally’s Son: Collin
Amy’s Baby:
Claudia’s Son:
April’s Daughter:
Colleen’s Babies:
Jenny’s Daughter:
Jessica and Mark’s Daughter:
Julie’s Babies:
Lanie’s Sons:
Leslie’s Son:
Mindy’s Son:
Nancy’s Son:
Pharon’s Daughter:
Rebecca and TJ’s son:
The Stamm’s Daughter:
Suzie’s Son:
Vanessa’s Daughter:
Chance, July 25, 2014, homicide
Like a whole bunch of people in the Chicago area in late July of 2017, when Mike Malinowski completed suicide, I was crushed.
On the outside, if his social media activity was our only peek inside his life, the guy looked like he was living the dream: expensive cocktails and smiling ladies and fun looking vacations and hip hop shows and live music and a stable full of friends.
However it looked on the inside, I don’t and won’t know, but it was obviously a shitshow that none of us were invited in to witness.
I was 37 at the time of Mike’s death by suicide, and what’s weird about the whole thing, is that it’s almost like I don’t remember who I was before he died.
That morning, I remember, was eerily gorgeous. It was a Saturday or a Sunday, I had nowhere to be, but I woke up early anyway. It must have been close to 5am, which sucks because I NEVER get to sleep in and here I was waking up when I didn’t have to. I did what most people do, I grabbed my phone and headed to the bathroom to start my morning.
Within the first five seconds of opening social media while on the toilet I knew something was off. I had like four facebook messages, and no one ever wants to wake up to that shit in the first place, but these were from people I hadn’t talked to in a decade or more. Like everyone else would, I ignored the fb messenger notifications and started scrolling.
There it was. Mike’s final post. He had typed, just a half hour earlier, maybe 40 miles from the toilet I now sat upon, that he wasn’t a pussy and that he couldn’t take it anymore and that he loved his friends. But he was out.
That was it.
Of course at this time of the morning there were only maybe a dozen reactions, and I did what I bet everyone else did, I went into fb messenger and typed out “what did you do?” and sent it to him.
No response. Ever. Still.
I checked those messages I had tried to ignore. Every single fucking one said “what just happened?” or “is this fucking real?”.
My friend, hell one of my favorite pint sized musicians, had completed suicide and left his note as a post that I would morbidly stalk every few months just to remind myself that it actually happened.
Mike’s fucking gone, he peace’d out just after he said goodbye to everyone, on FACEBOOK no less, and here I was thinking I needed to be more like Mike, more in tune with what’s right in my life, more aware of how awesome the shit and the people around me are.
At 37, with the most beautiful woman in the world as my wife, and with three incredible, healthy, energetic children all still asleep in my house, I was fucking devastated.
Like, punched in the stomach, dragged through the streets, every ounce of everything inside of me depleted, just, devastated.
I remember returning to bed and sort of sniffling a bit and my wife turns to me and says “what’s going on?” as she’s still half asleep.
“Remember Mic One?” I say through ragged breaths.
“The littlest rapper?” she jokes, because it’s true. We fucked with Mike so hard, everyone did, because we loved the hell out of him.
My wife knew Mike, the rapper, because he was the sole reason why we postponed our first wedding anniversary trip waaaaaay back in 2005, all because he offered my band The Cankles an opening slot at one of his shows. His shows were epic sold out parties, every time, and his support to any artist on the come up in Chicago was huge, if even only on the inside. Mic One shows were where any musician in the indie hip hop scene wanted to be. My wife knew Mike as the guy who said shit no one else would even dream of saying on the social medias, he was the guy your wife rolled her eyes at. Always.
“Yea.” I responded. “He’s dead. Suicide. He posted about it on facebook about a half hour ago.”
Julie went up on one elbow, seeing my face as it dove for her chest, she didn’t say anything.
I spent the better part of a half hour just sobbing. Not just because he was gone, but because I felt like his taking his own life was sort of a kick to my own stability. If Mike couldn’t handle this shitstorm, how the fuck was I going to?
The rest of that day and the week to follow all went by in a sort of blur. I was communicating with friends I hadn’t seen or spoken to outside of social media in over a decade. Everyone was fucking hurting.
How did we not see this?
Why didn’t someone say something?
Why didn’t he ask for help?
Now what?
I was a pile of absolute shit.
I should tell you, because it matters in this here story, that I’m an “elected official”, an alderman, in a small city in the Chicago suburbs called Yorkville. There’s 19,000 people, it’s rural-ish, but with way more suburban folk who wanted less people and bigger yards, it has all the comforts of a larger suburb closer to the city, without a lot of the noise.
Anyhow, my mayor at the time, Gary Golinski, got word of what had happened and, because he’s fucking awesome, he called me to check on me. I told him I was a pile of shit and I didn’t know how I was going to bounce back from this sort of blow. He listened to every mumbled word I said one night and asked me, “Well, what are you going to do about it?” to which I responded, “I don’t think there’s much I can do, he’s dead.”.
And then he said something I’ll never forget. “Well, you gotta do something. I’ll wait.” and then there he sat, on the other end of the line, just sitting patiently. He wasn’t offering me much, but he was present.
Over the next half hour, as I sort of talked to myself with Mayor Golinski listening, I sort of went over my options.
I could do nothing, which is what I had been doing for the last week, basically ignoring everything in my life.
I could say something at a meeting some day soon, but those are just words. I needed something a bit more public and uncomfortable.
Together we decided that I needed to make this a turning point in my life, and make a public and official testament that suicide is an issue, that there are resources available to those who need help, and that just saying hi or simply being present for someone can help turn their day around. Oddly enough, that last part was a direct result of Mayor Golinski just being there on the phone with me as I worked through my shit.
That night I drafted what would become the National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month Proclamation. And with the direct support of my city, the United City of Yorkville, we were going to proclaim, with Mayor Golinski as my bullhorn, since I still couldn’t talk without crying, that September was Suicide Prevention Month, that suicide was an issue, that mental health resources were available, and that a little slice of humanity can go a long way when someone is having a tough time.
We adopted that proclamation in late August 2017. The night of that meeting I went home and emailed every elected official I knew and asked them to do the same. I was hurting, but I was fucking fired up. I’m sick of people not knowing they matter, sure, but I’m also sick of that fact that whenever I say the word “suicide” people look at me like I just screamed the word “MASTURBATION” in a catholic school.
Denial about a subject doesn’t make the subject any less real, talking about it seems like the best way to make something taboo less terrifying.
Sure, I was terrified of having to talk about suicide, but I knew that if I didn’t, someone else I love might consider it their only option and then actually follow through and I’d lose someone else.
I was fucking done sitting still.
I haven’t sat still since.
In 2018, I got permission to conduct official outreach on behalf of the United City of Yorkville a bit earlier, and I ended up sending out about 3,000 emails on my own and got 234 cities, and 20 counties, in 40 different states to official talk about suicide by adopting the NSPAMP.
That same year, I reached out to a group in Chicago called Hope For the Day, a proactive mental health and suicide prevention non-profit, and immediately fell into step with their approach and knew I had found a home for the fire lit under my ass.
While working parallel in my own little suburban bubble, HFTD saw something in my communication style, and rather than them just high fiving me for continuing to talk about suicide from my position as an alderman and a dad, they nudged me to consider being more physically involved in the proclamation project than just a guy sending emails.
In 2019, along with Hope For the Day, I’ve still sent out 1,000 or so emails, but my numbers are only in the 70s as of this writing, but I don’t care, because we’ve already visited and presented in front of a handful of city councils in the state of Illinois. We’ve directly interacted with those impacted by suicide, and we’ve demonstrated to those who have NOT been impacted by suicide, how devastating the loss of one human from suicide can be.
In 2017 and 2018, I was still unable to attend many of the readings and adoptions of the proclamation, because it was still hard to talk about.
In 2019, it’s not any easier to talk about, but fuck everything else, I’m not done trying to make sure that Mike Malinowski didn’t die in vain and that I can’t do what I can do impress upon humanity how important we all are.
We’re in this shit together whether we like it or not, so I’ll be around if you wanna fucking talk about some shit. I also like tacos.
Oh, and I just got hired by Hope For the Day on August 15th, 2019, as their new Public Policy Director to directly communicate with people on all sides of government, to not only ensure the money we spend as a country on mental health and suicide prevention is well spent, but to make sure we all realize it’s human to hurt and our job is to talk about what sucks so that it doesn’t end up hurting someone or losing one more person to suicide.
So, yea, I cuss when I talk about pain and suicide and hurting and shit, but it’s ok not to be ok, and I’ll grow up someday (I’M LYING).
TALK ABOUT SUICIDE.
SHIT SUCKS.
BUT TALK ABOUT THE SHIT THAT SUCKS.
Sunday will mark five years since my sister died. I had a hard time losing my sister to bone cancer. She fought for over three years with bone cancer that caused her daily pain and stress.
Her life ended when she’d had too many surgeries and her body couldn’t keep up. Losing my sister is the hardest thing I’ve experienced.
I don’t feel bad for her now, because she’s free from all of that. But I do miss her; more than I miss my grandparents who have passed away. Her death was a trauma for me, as her 27-year-old soul was ripped away from my family and we were left with a forever empty chair at the table.
Now, I have a daily regimen of seven medications that keep me here on this earth from antidepressants to mood stabilizers and sleep aids. I fight suicidal thoughts and feelings near-constantly during this time of the year.
I have two girls; the younger one is my lifeline. I was pregnant with her when my sister died and I live in fear that she will die and leave me just like my younger sister left my mom.
My faulty logic says that little sisters die; I am so afraid that I will lose her. Her presence is one of the biggest comforts to me, which makes me love her more than her sister.
There, I said it: I love one kid more than the other.
What can I say? What else is there to do but keep pushing on, trying to move past a pain that is so old and yet so fresh.
I love you, Wends, and I will see you one day.