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Missing The Tin Man

At the end of last month, I wrote an entry about one of my little brothers and I wanted to share it here with other Pranksters. Normally this is not the type of stuff I share, so getting it down was pretty difficult. I knew if I didn’t do it, it would eat at me until I did. So here it is…

I was at a loss for words, which rarely happens, so I got my son (The Boy) ready for an outing. Which means I handed The Boy off, informing my husband (Gadget Guy) that he needed to take a break, so I didn’t go outside smelling like a gym shoe.

Given the promptness of Gadget Guy’s willingness, I must have smelled pretty bad.

Once I got cleaned up, changed a massive poopy diaper, and got in the car, I decided to go to the mall. I had to take my wedding rings to get cleaned and decided that walking the mall would be as thought-provoking as anything else. Plus, it’s still reaching the low 100′s here in the afternoon, so outside was not an option.

Normally, the mall provides lots of things for me think about: obnoxious teens, people who touch my child without asking, panic attacks in the elevator, using the family bathroom, and the list could go on.

However, this is what caught my attention:

It’s an ornament. I found it in Hallmark.

And this little thing was enough to make me start crying. I was bawling like a baby in the middle of the Hallmark store. My son, who is a 5-month old baby, looked at me like I was a crazy person and the Hallmark lady asked if I was okay.

I muttered something about stubbing my toe, picked up the ornament and paid for it. Then, I high-tailed it out of the mall, as to not make a bigger spectacle of myself. I’m sure you’re wondering how this tiny replica of a 1939 musical fantasy character made me break down like I did.

Sit tight, because I may not make a whole lot of sense here, as I’m already getting teary-eyed at the thought.

I’m the oldest of four children. I have/had two brothers and a sister. I say “had” because one of them died.

Little Brother #1 wasn’t even the one we thought we would lose, but Little Brother #2′s story will have to be shared another day.

Little Brother #1 was a little over two years younger than I was. We grew up together and were bestest friends until we hit puberty. Then we fought, argued and generally didn’t get along. All fairly normal sibling rivalry.

When I went off to college, things between the two of us improved. We appreciated each other a bit more and decided we just needed to agree to disagree and move on.

For the most part, this worked.

Little Brother #2 did things in his own time and in his own way. He had severe ADHD and at 14, decided not to take medication to treat it anymore. He graduated a year later from high school, didn’t go to college, and was (medically) discharged from the Navy. He bounced from one job to another. We were complete opposites in most of those regards, and I had a hard time relating to him.

And he always had a difficult time in social situations which was particularly hard on him. He was a friend to a lot of people, but didn’t have a lot of friends. He was easily taken advantage of. I didn’t understand why he would give so much of himself to other people when they didn’t give him the same in return.

He did excel in dramatics. He was one of the youngest students ever to be inducted to the Thespians Cub when he was in high school. He wasn’t cast often, but tried out for every play and he became the go-to guy for backstage production, lighting, and set design.

People referred to him as Tin Man. I’m not sure where the nickname came from, but he wore it proudly. He had it put on his Letterman jacket instead of his name. It was on his track jersey, the back of his drama t-shirts, and even on his class ring.

In the beginning of 2007, he died.

He was 21.

He was in a car accident, but it wasn’t drugs or alcohol, thankfully. He fell asleep at the wheel and rolled his car.

If there was anything fortunate about his death, it was that no one else was involved, and the freeway was completely empty when it happened. He was pronounced Dead On Arrival. The Medical Examiner said that it would have been quick and that he hadn’t suffered. I HAVE to believe that. I can’t believe that he sat in pain, I just can’t.

My parents didn’t handle it well. I stepped up to take control of things where they couldn’t. Gadget Guy was a live saver and helped support me while I tried to support them.

Little Brother #2′s funeral was epic. There were almost 400 people in attendance. It was amazing to see the sheer number of people crammed into the small chapel as I gave his eulogy. And after the burial we had a huge party in his honor.

In the end, all those people that my brother was a friend to came to say goodbye.

To honor his memory, and celebrate the one thing he loved the most, my parents had “Tin Man” engraved under his name on his headstone.

Now, I can’t watch the Wizard of Oz without crying. I can’t even look at an image of the tin man without choking up.

That is why I was bawling in the middle of the Hallmark. I didn’t even keep the ornament.

Instead, I gave it to my mom.

Remembering The Band’s Babies: Sarah

This year on The Band Back Together Project, we are curating and adding the names of your children who are no longer with us and we will be posting our Wall of Remembrance on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. 

We welcome you – any of you – to share the names of those you are missing.

Please click this link to add the name of your child (or a child you love) to our wall so we can remember them.

I never expected to be a mother at 17. I also never expected to be joining the baby loss club at 17 either. Walking out of that hospital in Tucson on that late August day, I knew that my life had fundamentally changed.

Instead of a baby in my arms, I carried a potted plant and a heavy heart out of the doors of University Hospital.

Sarah Beth Sluszka was born on August 22, 1991.

She died August 24, 1991.

I don’t know what caused her death. I refused an autopsy; I didn’t want my baby being cut up like a science project.

Knowing what I know now, I believe her death was related to a lack of oxygen due to a cord accident.

Sarah never cried, opened her eyes, or moved on her own.

Making the decision to take your child off of life support is heartbreaking.

Making that decision at 17 changes the trajectory of your life. I had no life experience to draw from. My parents only advised, but did not make this decision for me. I alone chose and therefore changed my life forever.

While I miss wanting to know who Sarah could have been over these past 28 years, I am happy with the person and parent I am today.

I went on to have four sons, a (step) daughter, and one granddaughter (so far!) and they have truly been the lights in my life.

In them, I see who Sarah could have been, what she would have been like. Like her siblings, she would have been an amazing human.

August 22 is Be an Angel Day.

Every year, I ask my friends to do one random act of kindness in Sarah’s name on that day.

It helps me to know that people are thinking about her and doing good in her name in the world. I’ll ask you all to do that next year through.

The Band, just put your children’s names onto our wall.

Together we can spread kindness and remember our children with happy hearts.

 band back together wall of baby loss

Six Months

Those who grieve hardest when a sibling dies are those who are most often left to grieve alone.

This is the story of losing her precious sister:

It’s been six months since my sister died.

Already.

How is that even possible? February seems so freaking long ago.

Originally as I started his post, I was at a low low point and after some thought, I hit delete. Because I wanted to start this post over. Like I wish I could do to my life, well, most of the time.

will say my grief has been better. A couple times, the grief hit me like a tons of bricks. It happened once when I’d gone to visit a friend who’s expecting her first child which is wonderful. We had a great time, but during the drive home, I felt sad – I’m 30, and still don’t have those “joys” that everyone else around me seems to have.

It really hurts.

I cried on the drive home.

Not long after, Dad had the last of my sister’s belongings from storage. Stuff I hadn’t seen in ages; stuff long-forgotten – cue water works. It was over just like that. How do you deal with that?

Then, Mom’s wound – the one she’d had surgery on a month before Jenny died – re-opened. She’s having ANOTHER surgery right before the six-month anniversary of Jenny’s death.

I feel like screaming.

However, there is healing.

I recently accepted a co-chair position for my local Relay For Life – I’ll be one of two in charge of the whole event. I felt taking this on would give some kind of purpose in my life. I have such a huge hole I have to fill.

I don’t let the grief consume me, I get up every night (I’m night owl), go to work, then a walk or workout. After that I’m off – I eat, spend time with my family and friends, I laugh, I smile. I keep going because it’s what Jenny would want.

It’s not easy – then again, nothing ever is. There is a light at the end of a very dark tunnel. You just have to get through it.

Not a day goes by where I don’t miss her smile, her giggles, her fluffly brown hair, her sparkling eyes – the way she’d squeeze my fingers.

I end this post with a quote from Winne the Pooh by A.A. Milne:

“If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together keep me in your heart. I’ll stay there forever”