by Band Back Together | Aug 1, 2017 | Addiction Recovery, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorders, Coping With Anxiety Disorders, Coping With Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder Resources, How To Help A Loved One Who Self-Injures, Major Depressive Disorder, Self Injury, Self-Destructive Behavior, Shame, Stress, Uncategorized |
Clench my teeth
brief sensation of pain
Wait for it to come
it takes a second
Bringing with it relief
here it comes
Pain flows out
trickling down my arm
In little red rivulets
so warm and wet
I have no problems
That cheery little poem is mine. Oh, it’s from many years ago. Back when I was still living with my parents, in fact. That last line? Is total crap. Yes, the blood brought relief of some feelings, but the guilt and anxiety that was left every time I looked at the scars….yeah, sometimes even THAT was enough of a trigger.
I’ve been pretty up-front about dealing with Postpartum Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and major depressive disorder.
But, to add to the list of things that I don’t talk about, I’m also a cutter.
I probably ought to say “was”…..because I haven’t actually cut myself in years. But you know how some people say that they will always be a recovering alcoholic, and never recovered. It’s like that.
The urge to give in is there. It’s not my first reaction to bad news, anymore, but when I’m at my lowest, or most anxious, I still want to.
There are certain movies that I couldn’t watch all the way through for a long time, like Thirteen or Girl, Interrupted because they make me want to cut myself.
This is a big step for me. Other than my parents, one or two friends from way back then, and my husband and now half-the-freaking-internet, no one knows this. Come to think of it, I don’t know if I bother to tell my therapists. Yes, I know. I’m a horrible patient.
After I decided to stop, which wasn’t until I was pregnant with my first, AND it was totally selfish at first; too many doctor’s exams that required getting naked. I kept waiting to outgrow the feelings. You know, the way I outgrew angsty poetry, and emo-ish music? But I’m still waiting.
Still fighting.
Still coping.
Kinda.
by Band Back Together | Aug 1, 2016 | Uncategorized |
Howdy The Band!
Hope everything is nifty on your end. Here? Things are quiet ’round these here parts and while I’d like to HOPE that the silence is due to the fact that our writers are all doing amazingly; sitting on a white sandy beach, watching the tide roll in, day after blissful day, not a care in the world. Just listening to that tide crashing into the shore.
But I fear I am incorrect – see, when *I* get quiet? It means that there is something very VERY serious going on; something SO serious that I’m totally unable to process it without being quiet and still.
It’s been quite awhile since we’ve done a State of the Band address, so I figured it was time for us to check in with YOU, The Band. How are things? I am so laughably far off base with my white sandy beach fantasy?
There’s no time like the present to let it all out. I know I’m about to – I’ve got about a gazillion ninety posts percolating in my brain, just WAITING to be let out. And yeah, sure I have a therapist I see on a weekly basis, but personally, I prefer a blank box urging me to use my words. BY FAR (for me), there is no better therapy than using my words to write something, then taking a long, aimless country road drive.
So I urge you to use your words and tell us how you’re doing. Your trials and tribulations. Things that make you feel defeated and things that make you feel ebullient.
See, I’ve been running this show for nearly 6 (SIX!!) years, and I’ve the luxury of reading your stories for as long. I’ve the perspective to see that what once was, at best, slippery pile of uncertainty to the elegant library of stories that I’d known it would.
But there are still ever-increasing scads of people – survivors looking for themselves in your words, for people like you to find a connection with. Looking to see themselves in your words. This system only works if you can share a bit of yourself, let us in, and help us see what your world looks like.
I know I’ve seen many requests for stories written by Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents (ACONs), baby loss, miscarriage, and a TON for mental illness.
I’m going to provide you some writing prompts, but please, don’t limit yourselves by these topics:
What makes you feel defeated?
What demons are rattling your closet?
What demons have you beaten?
What have you survived?
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What are some topics that you’d like explored in greater detail, The Band? What type of posts would help YOU through the hard times?
If’n you DON’T feel comfortable asking for a particular topic in the comments, don’t hesitate to email me: becky.harks@gmail.com
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This August, we are officially bringing back the I Am Me Project that was started back in 2011.
The premise is simple: define yourself. Can be easy as simple declarative sentences or as challenging as eye opening revelations. This is an ongoing project here at The Band and we’ve found this can be an incredibly healing premise. I do hope you’ll join us.
What makes you, well, YOU?
How are we alike?
How are we different?
How are you unique?
I’m personally challenging myself to rewrite my own – my initial submission is here.
Pretty much everything in my life has changed, so I’ll be interested (and slightly scared) to complete my I Am Me Project post.
————–
Do you have free time? No, seriously. OKAY so maybe “free time” is a quote-unquote.
Rather than ask that, I’m asking for those of you who can eke out a few hours a day/week to help keep The Band running. Off the top of my (very addled) head, I know that we need…
A photo editor
Someone(s) to run our Pinterest account
Someone(s) to run our G+ page
People to help brainstorm new ideas for The Band
— among a great many others.
Please, OH PLEASE, let me know if’n you can make some time to help us out!
That would be SO freaking Full of the Awesome. Even the littlest bit of time would be SUPER rad!
—————
Don’t know if you know this, The Band, but we also have social media accounts! (I will warn you that some of them, naturally, have been quietly moldering away) I’d be more enthusiastic but even my brand of paper towel has its’ own Twitter feed.
Band Back Together Twitter
Band Back Together Facebook
Band Back Together Tumblr
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To all of our lurkers out there, we’d LOVE to meet you! Stop by and leave us a comment just saying “howdy!” and, if you’re brave (which ALL of you are), we’d love a post or three from you!
Time to step out of the shadows. No more hiding in the darkness. C’mon out – the light you see around you? It’s a healing one.
————
I do apologize for my prolonged absence and I promise to STOP going radio silent when shit gets real.
Wishing white sandy beaches for us all,
Love always,
Becky Sherrick Harks
by Band Back Together | Jun 28, 2016 | Anxiety Disorders, Coping With Depression, Depression, Major Depressive Disorder, Uncategorized |
My doctor put me on a well-known depression/anxiety medication. This is something I have a great amount of anxiety over, especially since looking up the laundry list of possible side-effects. Damned Google, why do you provide so many answers? But seriously, I’m going to keep taking this stuff and get this Dialectical Behavior Therapy underway.
My shaman tells me that we must look for the medicines that help us, whether they come from plants or from a pharmacy. I agree, especially since this disease, if left unchecked, will ruin the lives of my loved-ones, as well as my own prospects for a better future. I suppose a bit of indigestion or diarrhea will be worth it. I just don’t want the confusion, convulsions, heart palpitations or the most serious, serotonin syndrome, which could be fatal.
But I need to eat. I’ve lost nearly thirty pounds in the last few months …I need to eat! But, since my circumstances have changed, I simply haven’t had the energy to cook anything. I’ve been eating junk, mostly, which is better than nothing, but I’m still losing weight. Even choking down chocolate has become a bit of a chore for me, and it’s one of the things I love! I suppose I’ve been subsisting on what little junk food I’ve managed to eat, water, coffee, nicotine and tea. Food just isn’t appealing to me right now. Junk food, water, nicotine and caffeine are basic food groups, right? I’m not sure what to do about this part of what’s happening right now. When I do eat, I get full quickly and sick shortly after.
Well, Bandmates, that’s my update. I hope you are all well out there in the internet. Love ya!
By-DigitalTreant
by Band Back Together | Nov 10, 2015 | Uncategorized |
I think I may have finally reached my breaking point.
I know deep down that I need help. I can’t carry this weight alone or it will crush me. I know what I should do. But, when I think about my options, I talk myself out of it. I tell myself to suck it up because I have to be strong. I tell myself I can’t get counseling. When? How would I make time for it? I have three kids and work a full time job. I have to take my daughter to dance class twice a week. My schedule just doesn’t allow it.
But, I need something…someone. For the past year I have held everything in. Tried to stay strong. I just don’t think I can do it anymore.
Last night I had an argument with my mother and grandmother because I feel like they blame me. They expect me to fix things that I just can’t fix. They tell me I am not fighting hard enough. But, I honestly don’t know what else I can do.
I was told I must not care about my kids to allow this to continue. But, I am not a judge. I don’t get to make the final decisions. Plus, we haven’t even gone to court yet. How can I do more?
I was told I don’t care because I don’t “look” upset. But, they don’t feel the pain I have inside. They don’t see me sitting up at night unable to sleep because of all of the thoughts and fears going through my head. I act strong. I don’t allow anyone to see the pain because honestly ,I don’t see what good it would do.
And now, I finally feel completely alone. The support I thought I had has slipped away, and now all I see is judgment and criticism. It hurts. But, just like everything else in my life, I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know that it can be fixed.
by Band Back Together | Nov 3, 2015 | Uncategorized |
Hi The Band!
I want to apologize for my long radio silence. Things had gotten pretty complicated in my personal life and giving back to The Band was pushed by the wayside. Thankfully, through our stellar volunteers, we were able to keep running on. Until January, when everything went South. We took a much needed powder and dealt with our personal problems.
We’ve been back a few months and the place still looks amazing. Thanks for that, to our readers, our writers, our volunteers, who help in different ways to keep the site running.
That said, we’re not an organization that could survive without the delicate balance of writers, readers, lurkers, volunteers. The Band cannot survive without you, so I wanted to preface what I want to ask you about.
A couple of weeks ago, I was contacted by Haldar Heroes an online space especially reserved for stories of those heroes who have faced severe hardships in life and yet, have gone above and beyond to help those even less fortunate than themselves. Haldar Heroes honours these heroes as being the real idols of our society and commit to featuring stories of such extraordinary people right here on this platform.
Heroes like you.
This one’s for you, The Band. You make it all worth it.
Anyone can slay a dragon. The real heroes are those like each of us who can slay a dragon and awaken the following morning, loving the crazy, wild, (often terrible) world all over again.
And now that you know that you are the true heroes of the site, we are asking for your stories. I’m asking that everyone – absolutely everyone – who reads, uses, and benefits from our site (even lurkers) to leave a comment. It can be one comment, can be ten. Heck, if you want to send it to my personal email, that’s totally fine: becky.harks@gmail.com
How has The Band helped you?
And please, please share this post around. You deserve to show the world that no matter where you are, who you are, where you live, what you love, you are always The Band’s heroes.
I couldn’t be prouder to know you.
Thank you, The Band, for being my hero.
by Band Back Together | Sep 25, 2015 | Compulsive Lying, Guilt, Love, Uncategorized |
Hello to all. I’m new to The Band. It looks like a great place to seek help, advice, and to have someone who will listen and not judge you.
I have known that I was a compulsive liar for years, but I never thought that it was actually something that was ruining my life. Compulsive lying is an underlying psychotic disorder that can be a sign of something much larger. I began to do some research about this, reading a lot of articles and websites. I had been thinking I was the only person having a hard time with lying, but I started seeing that this disorder is real, other people have it, and it is very serious. The messages written by other people on this site, as well as other websites, gave me hope.
At first, I thought I could really change on my own, but I’m realizing that being a compulsive liar is like an abdication. Some people may really need help to get past this point in their lives. I feel like I am to that point. My first course of action is admitting that I’m a compulsive liar, and that I need to seek help.
It’s so bad that sometimes I don’t even have a clue why I lie. It just comes out without hesitation. Most of the time, when it happens, at the back of my mind, I’m asking myself why I lied. The truth would have been easier to say in the first place. When I have a chance to correct the lie, I can’t because I feel so guilty. I don’t want to admit I’m wrong, or that I just told a lie.
The worst part is that I lie to the one person I love the most. That hurts me more than anything.
Today is the day. I’m going to keep searching for help and with my disorder and try my best to speak the truth, no matter what. If anyone who has gone through this has any advice on how to get past this, I’m all ears. And to anyone who is reading this, if my story is hitting home, please seek help. Know that you are not the only one out there going through this problem. You are not the only compulsive liar in the world. Help is there, you just have to want it.
Until next time, thanks for reading and responding. I’m turning my life around one truth at a time.
