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The Glamorous Life

i’m almost bald. i only shower every few days. as soon as the nausea ends the muscle pain starts. then comes the bone pain. after that subsides then it’s time to start all over again. i give nugget everything i have regardless of the overwhelming exhaustion.

this is the reality in our home. this is what my cancer looks like. this is how my daughter copes with my illness.

My Miracle

You were not supposed to be created.

Your father called you a “mistake.”

I called you a miracle. My miracle.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant with on Halloween night in 2004, I knew I wanted you.

Your father was not there much and I will explain to you why later in life. Adult life is complicated and sometimes it is not fair what other people do to each other.

You see my darling daughter, your father was married to another women and already had two little girls.

I did not know he was married at the time of your creation and he did not tell me.

He tried to be there at first, but I think somewhere along the lines his life got too complicated.

I spent a lot of time being angry at him for not being who I thought he was; maybe this is why he choose to not be part of your life. I am truly sorry if I am the reason he is not in your life now.

We have another man in our life now and he has been here for a little over a year. He is not a replacement for the father you do not have, but he is his own “male parental unit” to you and he loves you.

I wish that you do not spend your adult life hurting yourself emotionally because of what your father does now.

I don’t care if you are doctor or a lawyer I simply ask of the fates that you will still be the loving and creative person you are now.

All I wish is the best for you in your life.

 

Where In The World Is My Husband?

Almost 7 months ago, I gave birth to my first baby. Four days later, I sat on a cold set of bleachers for 6 hours and said goodbye to my husband. Surrounded by his family, I watched him hold our beautiful baby boy, give him a kiss goodbye, grab his rifle and get on a bus. His destination? Afghanistan.

The bulk of the deployment wasn’t too difficult. He called often, and I emailed him pictures every day. Our son grew. I held my breath each time someone unexpectedly knocked on my door. But my husband is on his way home right now. And this is where the trouble begins.

Where in the world is my husband? No one will tell me. I have a “window” of a week when the Marine Corps told me he would be home. It’s halfway through the week and still no word.

Is he in Afghanistan? No.

Is he in the U.S.? No.

Is he in Russia? Maybe.

But no one I have talked to who is there has seen him. Has he been able to eat? Sleep? Is he even safe? Did the plane he was on crash? (Most likely not, as I would have seen that on the news)

I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHEN I CAN HANG ANOTHER TOWEL IN THE BATHROOM!

I am not the first woman to go through this, nor will I be the last. But in the midst of a bad day, or a trying time, don’t you always feel like you are the only one who is experiencing your troubles? “There can’t possibly be another wife going crazy because she doesn’t know where her husband is”, I think to myself.

Well, there’s surely another wife out there camped out by her computer and cell phone, waiting for a call, an email, or a Facebook update. Military wives usually have to keep it together. We have to be strong for our men, children and families while our loved one is deployed. But don’t let anyone tell you to calm down in the few days before your Marine/Sailor/Soldier comes home.

Situations like this warrant a little bit of a freak out. And it’s perfectly normal.

Especially if no one will tell you where in the world your husband is.

Don’t Tell Me

don’t tell me i don’t have cancer anymore or that i “just have chemo now.”

don’t tell me to go outside and get some fresh air when i can’t be in the sun.

don’t tell me that taking a shower will make me feel better when my skin hurts too much to touch.

don’t tell me that i have the “good kind of cancer” unless you’ve had it and know how “good” it is.

don’t tell me how nicely shaped my bald head is.

don’t tell me how tired you are.

don’t tell me you’ll be there for me and then not follow through.

don’t tell me your medical opinion unless you’re my oncologist.

don’t tell me how to be me, because you aren’t.

I Want To Thank You

a woman i used to work with emailed me this week.  i read it yesterday and it absolutely made my day, which – i might add – was spectacularly craptastic until I got the email.

“i started working at magic kingdom back in 1997 and only partially knew who you were. you were always cool to me at town square and spectromagic and stuff, but we were only acquaintances. i happened upon your page through mikki and started reading your blog, “bits of myself,” and i cannot help being taken by how fucking amazing you are.  sorry for the language from someone you do not know, but i can’t think of any other words.  i don’t even remember where i started the “bits,” but i backed up to where you found out you had cancer.  by the time i got to your final breastfeeding with nugget, there were uncontrollable tears streaming down my face at how you kept apologizing to her, for something that you did not ask for.i don’t know how much all of this means coming from someone you don’t know, but i just had to get this out.  i was driving day parade floats when you were at magic kingdom with your baby girl, and i saw you two days in a row.  knowing how painful it must be, there you stood in the sun, in a tank top, bald… smiling and waving.

i hope i didn’t weird you out with all this, but know that you have touched one more individual’s life.  you are the strongest woman that i don’t know.”

i just needed to thank you for that and let you know that your kind words have touched my heart.

thank you for reading my blog.

and thank you to all of you who continue to do so.

i hope you’ll all stay tuned for the exciting conclusion to this chapter of my life.