by anonymous | Feb 6, 2019 | Bringing the Happy Back World Tour, Feelings, Self Esteem, Self Loathing |
This year, it’s time to take action. It’s time to pull our heads out of our asses and make some plans for world domination.
How? By telling the world, not what we want to do this year, but what we will.
So what will YOU do this year?
I will… walk for 30 minutes a day, five days a week as per an extremely informative video making the rounds on youtube.
I will… trust that the universe will give us what we need, when we need it.
I will… laugh more.
I will… create – write, draw, colour, take pictures, make cards, etc.
I will… meditate.
I will… practice mindfulness.
I will… get outside.
I will… send more happy mail.
I will… get more sleep.
I will… listen to my body.
I will… stop hating myself.
I will… learn to love myself.
I will… be unapologetically ME.
Phew! That’s a tall order. Good thing I’m up for the job!
by Jay123 | Feb 5, 2019 | Anxiety, Ask The Band, Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotional Abuse, Feelings, Friend Loss, Friendship, Psychological Manipulation, Psychological Manipulation, Relational Aggression, Relationships, Romantic Relationships, Self Esteem, Self-Esteem, Social Isolation |
I spent the last many years married to a woman with fairly severe (clinically diagnosed) Borderline Personality Disorder. I could very easily fill an entire book writing about what that experience was like, so it’s hard to know how to distill it. Here are some things I know-
-Years of being subjected to masterfully performed gaslighting has left me very unsure of all my own judgements and perceptions of reality.
-Years of being degraded and emasculated when I wanted to discuss my thoughts/feelings, being told that it is unattractive for a man to show “weakness” to his wife, has left me uncertain of when it’s ok to be vulnerable with other people.
-Years of walking on eggshells, trying so hard to do and say everything just right, but knowing that no matter how well I did, the next blow-up/emotional attack was always coming, has left me perpetually anxious, and steeped so heavily in learned helplessness that I often struggle to even feel that I have any control over what happens in my life. I never used to be that way at all.
-Years of having all my contributions and accomplishments minimized or forgotten, and all my imperfections magnified and carefully score-carded, has left me with close to zero sense of self-efficacy.
-Years of living with someone who is intimacy avoidant and uninterested in sex, but being told the whole time that her disinterest is caused by my shortcomings–because I didn’t last long enough in bed, or because I lasted too long in bed (yes, both of those), or because of the stress I was causing her by me not making us enough money (even when I was bringing in over six figures a year), or because I was paying too much attention to (suffocating) her, or because I was not paying enough attention to (neglecting) her– has left my self confidence so damaged that I almost fear being intimate with someone again.
Probably the worst part, though? During the early “idealization” phase of the relationship, she was incredibly jealous and protective of my attention (which at the time I foolishly believed was just because she loved me so much). So, focusing all of my time and attention on her needs, I greatly distanced myself from any male friends I was close to, and completely cut off contact with all of my female friends. Once she flipped me into the devaluation phase, I was left with a partner who had zero interest in me, other than what I could fix or provide for her, and only weak remnants of friendships remained. I was effectively isolated to the point that I spent most of my free time just sitting alone in my basement, wishing things were different.
Isolation is definitely one of my biggest hurdles right now. I’d really like to make some new friends, particularly some female friends since I lost all but one or two, but no clue where to even start. I just really miss having more meaningful conversations and connections with people.
Another hurdle is figuring out how to integrate “what I know to be true” with “what I feel to be true.” For example, I can write down a list of all of my business/financial accomplishments, and objectively say I’ve been successful in that area. I know this to be true. But I do not feel that this is true. I can find endless examples of things I’ve done or experiences I’ve had that show most of the negative feelings I mentioned above are illogical or don’t line up with reality. But again, I still don’t feel that.
I would love any thoughts or advice from anyone who has gone through something similar. What worked? What DIDN’T work? How did you reconnect with yourself? How did you reconnect with other people and build some new meaningful friendships/relationships?
by Aunt Becky | Feb 4, 2019 | The Band Presents |
Holy crapballs, it’s 2019 already. Kinda was feeling like January lasted at least 5 months – it just dragged and dragged.
Okay, so it’s (Aunt Becky) rocking the mike to tell you allllll the stuff that’s been going on since we resurrected The Band in June of 2018. It’s a lot: take what you need and leave the rest.
First, let’s start at the beginning:
With the help of Jess Green and now Rosalie, we managed to pull about 2000 posts from the Wayback Machine, to add to our archives. See – we lost any access to the old backend while I was homeless, so the only way we can get stuff added from the past is to copy and paste them into a new post. That’s why they’re all anonymous and may have comments from ages ago.
We’ve also been working to create a stable Board of Directors to manage this nonprofit properly, which means a whole ton of writing different (read: boring) things so that we’ve got our ducks in a proverbial row. I only wish we had REAL ducks, but alas, Nathan said no to my idea.
Ducks or none, I’m working on the page for the board of directors so you can meet us as well!
The resource pages are still my big baby, so I’ve been working on them as I can. I think I’ve done maybe a hundred so far? The reason this is draaggggiiiing on is because I’m auditing them and filling them with more information, and I’m still working with The Board to get our volunteer framework created.
Speaking of that? If you’d like to help out on and around the site, we really really do need your help. If you care to, please sign up here on this google document and you’ll hear from us soon.
Things worthy of note (that we’re in the process of fixing):
- Links within the pages/posts – I know they don’t work. I’m thinking about possibly changing to a Wiki Plugin, but I’m PRETTY sure the name’s the beginning and the ending of my knowledge.
- A new landing page and a more easily organized and intuitive way to use the site
- Moving server hosts – we currently have three – I’d like to be down to one quite soon
- Our developer is working to create a different layout with a new theme so that we can just paste it on up when we’re done
- Getting our social media team sorted and organized
- I personally am working to get gsuite for nonprofits for us, but it’s taken me 3 weeks so far, and nada
- Forums for the site
And about a zillion other things I can’t quite remember.
This month, we have a bunch of different prompts for you guys (you do NOT have to use them – we accept all submissions. If you’d prefer to be anonymous, that’s fine, please go here.It’s also Black History Month, and we at The Band support diversity. We would appreciate any stories about discrimination (of any form) and anything else you’d like to discuss.
It’s heart health month, so we’d love any stories about any cardiac issues you or a loved one have been through, or maybe just a “here’s how I stay heart healthy.”
It’s also, on Band Back Together, Mood Disorders Month. I know a lot of us struggle with these (raises hand) and along with being isolating, mood disorders can make us feel alone. Let’s show everyone that they’re not alone.
Here are the resources I have created thus far for Mood Disorders (this will be added to this post as I eke out time for it):
Mood Disorders
Major Depressive Disorder
Living with Major Depressive Disorder
Bipolar Disorders
Living with Bipolar Disorder
Still Missing Resource Pages:
Seasonal Affective Disorder
Postpartum Depression
Dysthymia
It’s teen domestic violence month, which means that we’re asking for stories about those affected by teen violence.
Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD)
Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder (Formerly Childhood Bipolar Disorder)
What else do you think the site needs?
Mic Drop
by Band Back Together | Feb 1, 2019 | Abuse, Bullying, Coping With Bullying, Domestic Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Mental Health |
Just a warning, this is stream of consciousness writing about events that happened over a quarter century ago, triggered by current events. Please have patience with the time jumps. I’m trying not to tell all the details that are huge, but not important to this part of the story, and to try to be as anonymous as possible.
You see the pictures, the young people, basically still children, with hate and contempt in their eyes. Hate is taught at home, that’s what we say. We post the pictures of toddlers hugging, one pink, one brown. The idea is clear; we can solve racism in just one generation if we stop teaching our children to hate.
If only it were that easy. In high school I fell for the stereotypical bad boy. He had a car, a leather jacket and a terrible grade average. When you are living in a rural area, a car is essential when it comes to dating, and who can resist a leather jacket? He was tall, blonde and never smiled. He wore button-down shirts in an era of pop-collared Polo shirts. He was older, but was in a couple of my classes anyway (I mentioned the terrible grades). I am an empath, so I gravitated to him.
Maybe I could help? Here, I can explain the math. I tell a joke, he cracks a smile. What charming crooked teeth! Oh, that’s why you don’t smile, just a little self conscious, not such a bad guy!
I eventually met his mom, the woman who would become my mother-in-law. I loved her instantly. She was so sweet, not a mean bone in her body. She had a rough life. Her father’s violence ended in the death of both of her parents, in a murder-suicide that scandalized the town, leaving her and her siblings behind to face the judgement of small town gossip. She fell for a boy and his promises of freedom, only to have him disappear when they found out she was pregnant. It was hard, but she did it. She was a single mother at time when that was a huge stigma, working hard and struggling with a young son.
I don’t remember much about the man who was technically my father-in-law. I may have met him once. That was another thing that drew me in: a broken relationship with a step-father. “This poor bird has a broken wing!” My empathic brain was in overdrive! I. Must. Fix. This!
Anyway, that’s a long story, and I’ve set the scene. How romantic! High school sweethearts get married! That’s what the world sees. Behind closed doors, hatred grows.
For my bad boy, who needed to graduate? Not him! He was so smart, his teachers just hated him. Trouble getting and keeping a job? Those stupid bosses didn’t know how good they had it. As time went on, the need for a scapegoat grew. His problem must be his teeth. His stupid mother was too damn cheap to get him braces. Our money problems were my fault, for not being ambitious enough. But I couldn’t socialize to network because then I was being a slut. Rather than looking at his behavior, he looked for someone to blame. And he found them everywhere! He couldn’t do what he wanted to do because he was a straight, white man of course! Stupid Equal Rights! And then he found a new hero who would always tell him the truth, Rush Limbaugh.
I don’t know exactly what went wrong. I don’t know when the wheels came off. I was suddenly in a marriage with a Nazi. Hate ruled my home. My mother-in-law did not teach this. People like Limbaugh, (and now Alex Jones and the like) didn’t start this. They fan the flames, turn a spark into a brushfire, but where did the spark come from? Mental illness in an era where it wasn’t talked about certainly ran in the family. Remember his grandparents? I eventually admitted to myself that murder-suicide would probably be the end of me as well. But even in an era where mental health is widely talked about, hate still happens. Hate is easy. Mental health is hard work. I’ve been working on it. He did not. His mother even warned him that he was pushing too hard, and our marriage broke under the strain.
I am one of the lucky ones who escaped the hate. Too many don’t survive. After all that rambling, all I can say is, I don’t know. I use words as I learn them. Malignant Narcissist? Incel? I was that frog in a pot of water, unaware I was boiling to death. It happened under my watch, was it my fault? Of course not. Neither was it my mother-in-law’s fault. Yes, there are many generations of racists being born and taught to hate. Some even gather in enough members to teach it in schools, perverting religion to suit their needs. But sometimes it seems to just…happen. Nature versus nurture? I wish I had the answers. Even having lived through it, I don’t know what I would do differently. I have to release myself from the “should haves,” but could have I done something? If not, does that mean we are all powerless? I hope not. For all our sakes, I hope not.
by Band Back Together | Jan 31, 2019 | Eating Disorders, Feelings, Shame |
I’ve written about the night my daughter died. I’ve gone on and on about my depression battles. I’ve even written about a suicide attempt. Yet this is the most difficult post I’ve ever written. Because I’ve never told anyone. I just made the connection a few weeks ago. My “aha” moment, Oprah would say.
And Oprah could probably relate.
Deep breath.
I’m a binge eater.
I’ve never typed those words, or even thought about telling anyone.
I’m ashamed. The stigmas attached to this disorder, painful. I’m the fat girl. The one you judge. The one you think should “just go on a diet.”
I used to lie to myself. Tell myself excuse after excuse. For a while, I went to the other extreme. I stopped eating for over a year, and the weight fell off. I became so sick. I was “normal” weight for probably under a year.
When my daughter died, the weight gain was so fast. I told people this or that. I lied to them and lied to myself.
The truth is I’m overweight because I eat an outrageous amount of food when I’m sad. I eat too much.
I’m so ashamed. I’m ready to get rid of that shame. I’m ready to eat like a normal person. I’m ready for my husband to not ask “Is the ice cream all gone?” or “Did you eat all the XXX?” He means no harm, but I feel so bad when he asks. I feel like a fat ass.
I think coming to this realization is important. I think it will be key to changing this. It’s not going to be easy though, The Band, not easy at all.
I’m scared to hit publish. I don’t know if I should do it anonymously or not.
I’m scared people will think of me differently.
I know that coming out about this publicly will mean that I’m fully ready to admit to being a binge eater.
I just don’t know that I’m ready. I can continue to deny and go on eating to provide comfort if I publish this anonymously. Or if I publish as me, it will be the catalyst to change. I know that from my experience with other demons. I need to own this as both part of me and something beyond my control.
I’m a binge eater.
