by Band Back Together | Oct 8, 2010 | Anger, Caregiver, Chiari Malformation, Chronic Illness, How To Help A Friend Whose Child Is Seriously Ill, How To Help A Friend With Chronic Illness, Marriage and Partnership, Marriage Problems, Migraines, Pain And Pain Disorders, Pediatric Caregiver |
Yeah. . . I don’t really know what I’m doing, but I have things to say (ed note: if you have things to say, you belong here), so here I am.
First of all, I am not the one in pain, so if you are reading this and you are and you want to tell me to shut my big fat mouth, because I don’t know what the hell I am talking about, feel free. However, the two people most dear to me suffer from chronic pain, and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.
Sure, I can provide comfort and try to make life a little easier, be sensitive, kind and gentle, remind my loved ones to take their medication (even though my husband’s on so much dope, it’s turned him into someone I don’t even know and I hate that). But beyond that, I feel helpless.
My husband was diagnosed with RSD (Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy) in late 2004-2005 – 6 months after a “mundane” farm accident and three mother f-ing months too late for him to get the aggressive treatment he needed. He had a spinal cord stimulator put in that was supposed to “mask” the pain. Ha. The pain affects his right foot. He says it feels like someone poured gasoline on it and lit a match. Chronic depression has ensued; he was suicidal for awhile. AND THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO TO FIX IT!
Meanwhile, in 2008, our daughter began to have chronic headaches. Not just ordinary ones, but the kind with tons of pressure in the back of her had. She began to have dizziness, trouble with balance, nausea, vomiting, blurred vision. I thought it was PMS. (She’s thirteen now).
Really, PMS, dufus?
Yeah, well, turns out she has something called a Chiari Malformation with syrinx, which required surgery. . .on our baby. . . near her brain (duh, that’s why they call it neurosurgery). AND THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO ABOUT IT! Risks, yes. Would her headaches go away? Probably not, but she might be able to continue to have the correct use of her extremities and bladder if successful – a plus for an adolescent.
Now, in 2010, my husband is still in pain every day. He can’t walk. Our daughter wakes up with a headache every single day. I hate to see them in pain.
But, they are still with me. Our daughter has a relatively normal active life. Thankfully, the syrinx has significantly diminished – which is awesome and huge. We have each other. I know that I have so many things.
We live on a farm, so I’ve learned about taking care of livestock and how to charge a car battery and do a little work on a four-wheeler. I can cut wood to heat our home if necessary. I can shoot a gun. A country girl CAN survive, after all. I’ve learned I can be stronger physically and mentally than I’d ever thought. I’ve learned how to talk to doctors and ask questions, even if the answer might rip my spleen out. My heart has been broken so many times that I wonder if I even one left.
Most days I am thankful for the blessings we have.
Some days, like today, I’m angry as hell.
by Band Back Together | Oct 7, 2010 | Anxiety Disorders, Coping With Depression, How To Cope With A Suicide, How To Help With Low Self-Esteem, Major Depressive Disorder, Sadness, Self Loathing, Self-Esteem, Suicide |
I’ve battled depression since I was a teen. I didn’t know what it was until late into my twenties. I just felt as if something was wrong with me or like I was a bad person.
I’ve been on medication for the last year. It was working. Working really well. My mood had greatly improved. I was no longer hearing a baby cry random times of the day. My anxiety had lessened. But the last couple of months it’s stopped working. I thought I was just in a funk. It happens from time to time. When I’m in a funk, I feel down and I lose all interest in housework, my kids, my husband, and my life in general. The one thing that keeps me going is school. I love going to school. I love doing the homework. It gives me purpose.
I started to feel down this summer.
I don’t have any friends. People say “you must have some friends,” but the truth is: I haven’t had a friend in over 10 years. When I met my husband it was wonderful. He was my friend and that was all I needed. Truthfully, I think I need more friends. I need someone to connect with. Someone to talk to besides him. I hate this feeling of being alone. I know my anxiety keeps me from talking to people and I need to work on it.
I was in therapy the first seven months that I was taking my medication. My counselor thought I was doing wonderfully. I wanted to be doing wonderfully. But the truth is, I was still having anxiety. Anxiety about leaving the house. About meeting new people. About about being a good enough parent or spouse.
I’m back to the dark place. I’m having thoughts of suicide again. Sometimes, I think sometimes everyone would be better off without me. I’ll think of how easy it would be to wreck my car while I’m driving to school so everyone would just think it was an accident.
I know I need to change my meds again. I need to call and set an appointment up. But I have anxiety about that, too. I don’t want to admit I am a failure. That once again I am not okay. And I worry, what if they don’t believe me? What if I am just overreacting?
What if I get in to see the doctor and I don’t have enough courage to say what I’ve said here?
(ed note: why don’t you bring this post in with you if you’re afraid you can’t talk about it? Any doctor will take you seriously.
Much, much love. Please remember that suicide is never, ever the answer. The Dark Place is a place that many of us have been before. There is hope.
If you are seriously considering suicide, this is the phone number for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline:
1-800-273-8255
Please know that you are loved. And you are never alone.)
by Band Back Together | Oct 1, 2010 | Abortion, Abortion Recovery, Adoption, Family, How To Help A Friend With Infertility, Infertility, Woman's Health |
I am infertile.
We have been trying to have a baby for years to no avail. I will spare you the details, but I was approached by a potential birth mother who is a friend. She is pregnant, doesn’t want the baby, was going to have an abortion and decided she didn’t know if she could go through with it. She asked if we might be interested in private adoption. YES, oh YES, it would be a dream come true.
I did it. I got my hopes up against all logic and warning from everyone.
I got a text today that says she is not going through with the pregnancy. I am so sad right now. I am heartbroken at the needless loss of a life that could be my baby.
Where do I go from here?
I had such a tight lid on this I never let myself feel this hope or dream.
I let the lid off and now I am devastated.
by Band Back Together | Oct 1, 2010 | Abandonment, Anger, Autism, Grief, Help For Grief And Grieving, Loneliness, Loss, Parent Loss |
When you are in pain, part of you wants to shut yourself off from the world in your own discord, but there is another part of you that wants to take that pain and hand it to others – the gift of misery. In doing that, you hope that someone will see and understand what you feel; that may never happen, but it’s a chance we all want to take.
I lost my dad on July 1st of this year. The loss of a parent is devastating, full of sadness, guilt, reparations, and so on. But it is so much more…and this is my story.
My mother and father were married when I was six years old. My biological father was 5-years gone (out for milk? gone for bread? Nope. Just a loser leaving his wife and kids, it seems). So, my step-dad (and, moving forward, this will be the only occurrence in which you will see this word, because it is woefully incorrect) became my Dad. And we were instant soul-mates. My mother and my sister were always so close and so tight; when my mom and dad married, it felt like I had someone of my own.
Growing up, it was ever apparent that we had common interests and personalities. Out of seven kids, I was the baby and the proclaimed “weirdo” of the bunch. I took (take) so much heat for being “different” and “sensitive,” but my dad was always there, wanting to know about my life and wanting to know about the things that made me happy. My teenage years weren’t angsty – they were filled with friends, activities, and a parent who was there for every stupid teen-aged emotion I went through.
My adult years were tougher. I was in an unhappy marriage for many years and my first child was diagnosed with autism. I can’t begin to tell you what a blessing having my dad as my companion through all of this was. I didn’t have a husband that wanted to go to doctor appointments with me and my son (he could’ve given three shits less), but I had a Dad who wanted to be there. He wanted to learn with me. He wanted to help. He gave me time, love, understanding and peace.
And he was ALWAYS there.
And, now? I’m 35. At an age where I should be helping him in return for everything he gave to me, he’s gone. And I mean GONE. I can’t take comfort that he is “looking down on me” or “always with me” because I don’t FEEL it and I sure as fuck don’t SEE it. I feel angry. I feel alone. I have to accept the fact that the best friend that I (and my two children) ever had is never to be seen or heard from on this Earth again.
I have to look at my mom. My mother, who after so many years, is alone. I should be there for her, and GOD KNOWS I do try, but all that really does is make the absence of such sunshine that much more pronounced.
Two weeks after we buried my dad, I remarried. Two weeks after that, I was off to Europe for the trip of a lifetime. I have a beautiful family and a lovely home – but the emptiness I feel sometimes overshadows everything. How do you get through it? How does every memory that gets jogged at random times during the day not absolutely break your heart?
I miss my dad so much more than I can ever adequately describe.
by Band Back Together | Sep 20, 2010 | Grief, Help For Grief And Grieving, Livng Through A Miscarriage, Loss, Miscarriage |
I am pregnant.
But I don’t know for how long. I peed on a stick in the office. The nurse and doctor watched the line appear…and then disappear. My doctor said he had never seen anything like that happen. He looked at the nurse and then at me and then at the test. He was shocked.
So he said “You’re definitely pregnant right now…but I don’t know for how long.”
I am on partial bed-rest which means that I am to do no heavy lifting. I’m on Zofran for nausea. He will test my HCG hormone levels in a few days and see if it is higher. If it is lower, he will give me a prescription for pain pills and we will wait for my body to miscarry.
I am literally sitting here, willing my baby to stay inside me. Telling it to hang on long enough to get a good grip. Hang in there little guy, just hang on. I am bleeding and cramping but I have been told that is because up until two days ago I was on birth control pills.
It doesn’t FEEL like a miscarriage, yet.
So I’ll sit here on my couch and try to grow a baby. I will try to keep my child alive. And I will hope and pray that when they call tomorrow, my numbers will go up.
The bleeding will stop.
The cramping will stop.
I will have three people there to meet my husband when he comes home from his deployment.
We will be a family of three. We will be.
********************
When I wrote this, I was pregnant. Two days later, I was not. I saw the ultrasound, it was there! And now it is not. I still have a baby bump…and nothing inside. My heart is broken, my body is broken, and my husband is 6,700 miles away. The logical side of me says to that we should wait to have a baby. We should wait until he can be here to hold my hair back when I am sick, when he can rub my back and feet and feel our child moving inside me. But the other side…the other side says GET PREGNANT AS SOON AS HE GETS BACK!! Twelve month deployment be damned!
I am so torn. And heartbroken. And yet VERY strong. I have to be strong for my little boy. He needs his mother.
