by Band Back Together | Aug 26, 2014 | Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Childhood Bullying, Depression, Emotional Abuse, Guilt, Panic Disorder, Psychological Manipulation, Therapy |
I’d always believed that my mother loved me and all her interference in my life was to make me better, stronger. Blindly, I trusted that she meant for me to be happy. But I also knew that … something was wrong. I never could do right by her and I just knew that something was wrong with me. She was inside my head, under my skin, causing me to drown. I lost my strength and discovered that I feared her.
These revelations took over a year – it was a whole process for me.
My life had fallen apart and I went to a specialized therapy clinic for help. There, I learned I was codependent. My therapist actually told me “you have a bad mother, you need to protect yourself from her.”
I was shocked.
I talked to my mother as I came out of the clinic and decided to break contact with her. Afterward, I felt so guilty and sunk into a very deep depression. I think I put all my energy into avoiding contact with her. I was stuck in bed, only leaving to go to therapy.
I couldn’t understand my mother’s attitude toward me. How could she be so crazy insensitive to what I was going through? I was obsessed with the question “why?” After seven months of therapy, I discovered that it was helpless to believe there was a way to save our relationship. I remember my therapist saying “no, I don’t think so. Any relationship with her, you’ll only get hurt.”
I cried so much. It was such a big loss. I finally understood how much she’d taken from me. How she enslaved me, took away everything I got, people that I loved. My mother had bullied me all of my life. The pain was indescribable; I was destroyed. Crying every day, having nightmares all night.
None of this made sense. I felt that she’d only rest once I’d killed myself. How could she be so awful to me? I did everything for her; gave her more than I had to give. Was it really just jealousy? Why? Why had she been so cruel to me? My therapist explained that she’s a narcissistic mother; she has narcissistic personality disorder. I was her extension. It was quite confusing so I turned to the internet for answers. I didn’t know what having a narcissistic mother meant.
There I found it. I understood the way I’d felt my whole life. I understood her attitude toward me.
I learned the tactics of psychological manipulation: invalidation, gaslighting, parentification, triangulation, narcissistic rage. Convincing me to do the opposite of what my gut said. Denying my needs.
I was deadly shocked for I don’t know, months? I haven’t really recovered. My symptoms increased, I developed panic disorder, my self-esteem melted, felt so insecure talking to people or making changes in my life.
For five months, I stopped dealing with it – it was just too much. I’m still unable to deal with anything or anyone. I feel lost, I’m afraid that I’m too damaged to be able to be happy. I’m paralyzed. I have no idea who I am.
I’m 40 and I lost my childhood, my innocence, my adult life. I am sick, depressed, lonely, and terrified.
I discovered The Band Back Together Project, for which I am very grateful. Thanks to reading your stories, I now know that I did the right thing in stopping contact to my mother. That was really killing me.
I can understand all the pain I’m feeling. How badly I’m grieving this loss. To top it off, I discovered that my father also has narcissistic personality disorder.
I’ve been badly abused all of my life. No wonder I’m unable to do what I want and need, how absolutely everybody in my life has abused me, why I can’t stand up for myself.
Knowing that I am not alone and understanding my symptoms gives me hope. I understand that I need treatment and support. I’ll return to therapy which I hope can help me to learn to feel angry, to defend myself, to stop feeling guilty all the time. To allow me to have things, a family, someone that treats me well. I hope I’ll never have abusers in my life again.
I wish I could see what life is like. Until now, I’ve never had a life of my own to lead; I was just a stupid toy, trying to please everyone for love and attention. I want to learn to respect myself and set clear emotional boundaries with other people.
The hardest part is to see how damaged I am. That’s really scary.
Thank you, Band Back Together for giving me the opportunity to speak out. I don’t need to be ashamed; I was abused, I am a victim. Thank you for showing me that.
Can you, The Band, share your stories about being an adult child of narcissistic parents?
I really want to believe this emotional trauma will end and I will, at long last, be free.
Thank you.
by Band Back Together | Aug 15, 2014 | Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse, Child Abuse, Child Sexual Abuse |
First off, can I do this, The Band?
Today, my therapist told me I was ready to read/do this workbook. She said I was emotionally and mentally stable enough to try and retrain my brain as far as sex goes. To me, its dirty and wrong due to my childhood sexual abuse. This book is about accepting and coming to terms that I was abused and how to sort out all the emotions and issues that has caused and continues to cause.
I am starting it immediately and will update in case anyone wants to see how it works for me.
If you are like me and have warped feelings and opinions on sex after being abused, know that it is a normal response to an abnormal event. I never want sex and it’s created a barrier between my husband and I for a long time. I hope this workbook helps me fix that.
Anyways, here is the amazon link if you want to check it out. I am in no way shape or form associated with them, I just learned about this book today from my therapist and wanted to share it with The Band since there are so many like me out there unfortunately.
The Courage to Heal: A Guide For Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse
by Band Back Together | Jul 16, 2014 | Anger, Child Abuse, Foster Care, How To Deal With A Self-Destructive Friend |
I’ve been having problems with my boyfriend (we are in our 40’s). He was brought up in foster care, abused by foster parents, and rejected by previous partners.
I read your article on self destructing behaviour and suddenly his anger all made sense. I now know how to cope with him, not only that, but help him overcome his lack of self worth. Thank you so much for helping!
by Band Back Together | Jul 2, 2014 | Abuse, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Coping With Domestic Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Economic Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Helping Someone In An Abusive Relationship, Psychological Manipulation |
My story starts when I met my son’s father. We first met online, and he seemed like a great guy. After a few days, we met in person to hang out. He took me to go see a movie and have a burger. Then, we went to hang out at his house.
Everything was good, until he did something I didn’t approve of. After that, he took me home and left. I was really upset about what he had done, but because he was a nice guy, I decided to forgive him.
That was my first mistake.
Days and weeks went by, and then somehow, we were dating, and I was living with him. At first, everything was good. We were happy, and I was doing whatever I could around the house to help while he worked. One day he came home all mad, and told me that the neighbor saw some guy leave our apartment. That wasn’t true. I was alone all day, cleaning the house.
He didn’t believe me. He hit me in the back and then punched me a few times. I should have left then, and never come back, but I still forgave him. I thought that it wouldn’t happen again.
Over the next couple of years, the beatings got worse. One day when I got home from work, he accused me of flirting with a coworker. When I turned my back, he hit me in the back of the head with a 2×4. I bled a lot that day. When I got pregnant, we were both happy, so I figured he wouldn’t hit me anymore.
I was wrong.
When I was three months pregnant, he went to the room to take a nap while I stayed in the living room watching tv. After a few minutes, he came back into the living room, grabbed me by my hair, and pulled me into the bedroom where he forced me to have sex with him. I just laid there crying afterwards. He continued to force me to have sex with him almost every day for the rest of my pregnancy. Sometimes he would threaten me and tell me that if I ever told the cops what he did to me, or if I tried to take the baby and get him for child support, he would put me in the hospital where I would bleed to death.
After my son was born, he wouldn’t let me raise him the way I wanted. Once, he nearly suffocated my baby and tried to blame it on me. Luckily my son, was fine and is healthy. He still continued to hit me. I missed work because of it and lost my job. I got another job after my son’s first birthday. He would still hit me sometimes, but I was able to hide the bruises.
We eventually had a fight about whether I still wanted to be with him. I told him no, I didn’t care for him anymore. He said he was okay with it, but he informed me that we would still be living together until he had money to get his own place. He would also continue to have sex with me, continue to hit me, and he was going to take my son. He also told me I wasn’t allowed to date for a year.
We only had one truck, so he still drove me to work. One day, he saw a male coworker of mine say hi to me. He asked me if I liked him, Since we were no longer a couple, I thought it was safe to say that I did. I was wrong again. He drove into a nearby parking lot, grabbed me by my hair and swung me around in the truck, My son watched this happen, screaming the whole time.
He then started to drive me back home and told me I couldn’t go to work. I told him I couldn’t afford to lose my job and I was going. He eventually calmed down and took me to work. I had a huge black eye that he told me to hide with my hair. It didn’t work. My supervisor called me into his office to talk to me and had me call the police to file a report.
It took time for my ex to be served with the order. Then, it took more time until I was able to get my son back. Eventually, he was served and I got my son back. On the day of the court hearing, the judge gave me the best news ever: I was my son’s sole parent because his father and I were never married.
I am happy now. I have a new boyfriend who I’ve known I’ve known since before I met my ex-boyfriend. He accepts my son as his own. Everything in my life is great now. The only problem I have is that I don’t know how to cope with my past. So far, counseling doesn’t seem to be helping me very much.
by Band Back Together | Jun 6, 2014 | Abandonment, Child Neglect, Emotional Boundaries, Estrangement, Sadness |
Being denied the love and tenderness of a mother lead us to want something we can never have.
This is her story:
Some people should never be allowed to have children. Carol is one of those people. One of my earliest memories is her visiting me at my grandmother’s house during her lunch break at work when I was 3 or 4.
When it was time for her to leave, I would cry uncontrollably, begging her to stay and grabbing at her clothes as if I could stop her from leaving by sheer force of will. Inevitably, she’d go and I’d be left there with my heart broken until the next day when she’d come and start the process over again.
Eventually she stopped coming.
Eventually I got used to it.
In time, I came to accept that our relationship would never be as I wanted it to be.
She calls me a cold-hearted bitch (which is ironic, considering) and I very well may be – where she’s concerned, at least – but if I am, it’s an act of self-preservation; building a wall to keep the thing that hurt me the most out.
It works, or at least I thought it did. Two sentences in a romance novel:
“She hugged her tight, patted her hair and guided her to a kitchen chair. Within minutes her hands were wrapped around a mug of her mothers coffee.”
Punched in the face by experiences I’ll never have and opportunities I missed, suddenly I’m 4 years old again, laying on my grandmother’s floor, desperate for affection and love from someone incapable of giving it.
by Band Back Together | May 29, 2014 | Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse, Alcohol Addiction, Child Abuse, Child Sexual Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Incest, Rape/Sexual Assault |
When I was too small to be understood when I spoke, my father taught me to scream. He was a sadist, and from him I learned to fear.
When I was in junior high, I met a policeman at my school. He was just there visiting someone. I told him that my life at 11 years old was a nightmare. I told him I was being molested by my step father. I asked for help. He said he was out of his jurisdiction. His girlfriend, my teacher, told him that as far as she knew I had a good home life. She knew that because she saw me for less than an hour a day for one semester in gym class. This was a class where I never participated, or dressed for gym because I didn’t want to have to take my clothes off in front of people to shower. From the policeman I learned that no one would really believe me or help me.
From my stepfather I learned to hate my body for the sickness it inspired.
From the cops who arrested me at age 15, I learned to devalue myself and make excuses for people who treated me badly.
From my husband, I learned to hate alcoholism, addiction, and excuses. From ridicule, to assault, to spousal rape, he taught me to despise him.
There was another lesson I learned from my Grandfather. It was his story. From the Jewish boy who grew up in Budapest Hungary, who saved up money he earned as a bell hop to come to America, I learned to leave . From his story, I learned to never give up, and when all else failed, to take those I loved and go.
I know looking back he was not a great man, not even really a good or kind man. Still, he taught me what I needed most. Thank you, Grandpa, for your story.
