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My Daughter Is In An Abusive Relationship

My daughter is now 25 and has three children. She has been raped and was hospitalized because of it. She has been strangled to near death and is emotionally and physically abused.

She has been married to her abuser for six years now and believes she loves him. He has isolated her totally from all family, friends, any past acquaintances, and moved her to another state. He abuses their children too, who are 7, 5, and 7 months old. He has forced alcohol down their throats, shot them with a BB gun, left them on their own at 6 and 4 years old for hours at a time.

He now owns a gun and is a convicted felon.

My daughter does not communicate with me now. I love her and my grandchildren so much, but do not have any way to tell them that.

I am looking for advice on how to deal with this, help her see what is happening or how to stop this. I have tried to educate myself so I can help her, but she won’t let me help. I guess it has to be this way until she decides differently.

Any advice you can give me would be much appreciated. Thanks, The Band, for listening!

It’s Been A Year

In the United States, every 107 seconds, someone is sexually assaulted. Four of every five sexual assaults are committed by someone known to the victim. 68% of all sexual assaults go unreported to the proper authorities.

Why? Why do so many sexual assaults go unreported?

Shame. Self blame. Embarrassment. Fear that no one would believe their story. Fear that they may have caused it. Not wanting to be the victim. Wanting to move past the sexual assault. There are a multitude of reasons why sexual assaults go unreported.

Just as there are a number of types of rape (gang rape, date/acquaintance rape, intimate partner rape, statutory rape, sexual assault), there are a multitude of responses to sexual assault. Each of which is completely normal.

This April, The Band Back Together Project is shining a light into the darkness of sexual assault. Please share your story of sexual assault so that we can Light the Darkness.

All are welcome.

Here I am, a year later.

It never really gets any easier. You just learn to live with it.

It was a year on 12/14 since the night that I was raped. I posted on this site a week or so after it happened and to me.

It was a silent cry for help.

I guess this is what this post is too …I know I need help. But I’m scared to get it.

How do I tell someone that I still don’t see myself when I look in the mirror?

How do I tell someone that I don’t trust a single man that I know or see because I’m terrified of what they will do to me if I give them my trust?

It’s been an entire year and I still can’t get over it.

When does it go away?

When do things get easier?

When will I be myself again?

December 4

He was my friend, a coworker I trusted.

I have a boyfriend and kids.

Why was I at his house?
 
Why did I let him pay attention to me at all?
 

I shouldn’t have been there. It was my fault. I led him on, let him believe that I liked him.

Maybe I did. Maybe I did enjoy the rush of having a man fawn over me like I was something special. I’ve never been treated that way before.

My ex-husband cheated on me and replaced me without looking back. He filed for divorce on our seventh wedding anniversary, saying our marriage “didn’t mean anything anymore.”

And I guess it didn’t. Not to him.

I was tossed aside like trash.

My current boyfriend of 4 years lets me in, then pushes me away. It’s a constant cycle, a roller-coaster of emotions.

Finally, on December 4, 2015, I gave up fighting for him.

I accepted the offer from this man, my friend, my confidant at work. He was nearly 20 years older and told me repeatedly how beautiful I was. He fed my bruised ego. I let him. I went to his house, and I stood in his kitchen, crying about the man I loved who had pushed me away again.

He walked behind me and pushed himself against me, trapping me against the counter. He pushed his hand down my pants, and I said, “NO!” I went to get my shoes and purse. He pushed me down and pulled my pants and underwear down.

He forced himself inside of me.

I said, “NO!” I pushed him off of me and he grabbed my head and pushed his dick in my mouth. I nearly vomited and jerked myself away.

I SAID NO!

I ran to the bathroom and locked the door.

I got out of the house and tried to block the memory out – until I saw him at work the following week. He told me that he thought I would be more “accommodating.”

I didn’t call it rape. I felt guilty and full of shame. After all, I went there. I led him on. I “had sex” with him. Sometimes the logical side kicks in and says, no. You didn’t do anything wrong.

It’s not your fault. You didn’t “have sex.”

He raped you.

He stole something from you.

Until that day, I’d only had sex with two men, my husband and my boyfriend. I was a 35 year old woman who trusted someone. I hid my feelings and apologized for my actions.

I didn’t go to the police right away. It took over a month. The only thing that gave me the courage was to look at my little girls.

How could I possibly teach them that no means no? I said no. It didn’t matter. And now I have to learn to live with it.

I’m scared all the time.

I’m anxious, nauseous, angry.

A Light In The Darkness: The Worst Thing I Ever Did

In the United States, every 107 seconds, someone is sexually assaulted. Four of every five sexual assaults are committed by someone known to the victim. 68% of all sexual assaults go unreported to the proper authorities.

Why? Why do so many sexual assaults go unreported?

Shame. Self blame. Embarrassment. Fear that no one would believe their story. Fear that they may have caused it. Not wanting to be the victim. Wanting to move past the sexual assault. There are a multitude of reasons why sexual assaults go unreported.

Just as there are a number of types of rape (gang rape, date/acquaintance rape, intimate partner rape, statutory rape, sexual assault), there are a multitude of responses to sexual assault. Each of which is completely normal.

This April, The Band Back Together Project is shining a light into the darkness of sexual assault. Please share your story of sexual assault so that we can Light the Darkness. 

All are welcome.

 

I’ve been with my boyfriend for seven months. He moved into my university house, and it wasn’t long before we fell in love with each other. He is the most incredible, caring and loving person I have ever had the pleasure to meet, and I love him so ridiculously much.

He has tried so hard (and it has been hard) to help me become my own person. I’m only 19, but I have been through a lot in those 19 years. I used to live in a women’s refuge, I have been raped by several people, including my uncle who groomed me and coerced me when I had nobody else to show me love. I was 15. Due to all this, I had very very little self respect or self worth.

A few days after he moved in, the evening of our first kiss, I raped him. It was my 19th birthday, and I was so drunk I can’t remember it in the slightest. I didn’t even find out until a month or two afterward. Apparently, I was pulling him onto me, trying to take both of our clothes off. He kept saying no, but in the end, gave in and had sex with me. He did it because he knew I’d never been fully accepted by anyone before, and he wanted to give that to me. Even if it meant giving that.

For seven months, he has felt totally okay with it. Until this morning. He keeps saying he’s sorry because he loves me so much and wants so much for us. He knows it wasn’t really me, but he doesn’t know if he can be with me. He doesn’t know if he can forget. He won’t even let me touch him anymore.

I don’t know what to do. I want to be with him so badly. I’ll never love or be loved like that again. How can I help him to move on from it? How can I help him rebuild his self worth?

Light The Darkness: How Long Will It Take

In the United States, every 107 seconds, someone is sexually assaulted. Four of every five sexual assaults are committed by someone known to the victim. 68% of all sexual assaults go unreported to the proper authorities.

Why? Why do so many sexual assaults go unreported?

Shame. Self blame. Embarrassment. Fear that no one would believe their story. Fear that they may have caused it. Not wanting to be the victim. Wanting to move past the sexual assault. There are a multitude of reasons why sexual assaults go unreported.

Just as there are a number of types of rape (gang rape, date/acquaintance rape, intimate partner rape, statutory rape, sexual assault), there are a multitude of responses to sexual assault. Each of which is completely normal.

This April, The Band Back Together Project is shining a light into the darkness of sexual assault. Please share your story of sexual assault so that we can Light the Darkness. 

All are welcome.

 

 

I was raped about three and a half years ago. There are still times I think about it, but it doesn’t generally run my life.

Today was a hard day for me, though. I wrote my rapist a letter (obviously not one that he’ll ever see) and realized some things about myself in it, and in doing so, I became very emotionally overwhelmed.

My current boyfriend, who knows about what happened to me, got mad at me for being so upset tonight, even after I told him why I was. I don’t remember his exact words, but he said something along the lines of, “It’s been three years already!” implying that I should already be over it.

Should I be?

Am I just pointlessly obsessing over something that is obviously never going to change?

If so, how do I make it stop?

I don’t like it either, and I’m not choosing to have the memories I have.

Questioning

I was friendly. That’s all.

He was my friend.

He asked me to go with him to feed his rabbits. How could I say no? I love rabbits. So we went.

They were trying to nibble at my fingers when I felt him come up behind me. I asked him what he was trying. He didn’t even say a word before he turned me around and forced his lips on mine. I pulled back…or tried to. In a second, his hands had already torn my bra off. Believe me, I was fighting. I mean, I liked him, but not that way. I kicked, I punched, I begged… We were up against a wall when he tried to rip my pants off. I was trying desperately to reason with him. Nothing could fend him off. He lifted and started carrying me to his quarters. I couldn’t even move one of his fingers away. He was too strong. He put me down to open the door and there I strangled him. He was laughing. How?

He relented for a second, and I ran. I climbed the gate and ran home.

I’ve been crying.

I can’t stop.

He texted me the next morning saying I was a good kisser.

I want to kill him.

I was once in a similar situation. Called the cops. But now, do I send this man to prison? Again, we were friends.

What if I see him again? Will I run? We’re almost neighbors.

He didn’t rape me. But he was going to. Was he?

Am I just a walking vagina?