by Band Back Together | Mar 24, 2016 | Abuse, Anger, Domestic Abuse, Fear, Guilt, Psychological Manipulation, Psychological Manipulation |
How does your heart turn off completely? My mind is mush, and everything else about me is confused.
We were set for a trip to his hometown. He changed his mind, because the kid he wanted to bring with us (me, our two kids, and him), couldn’t make it. He decided that we shouldn’t go, not me.
Well, the day of the event, he came to me while I was making dinner. He glared at me, and cornered me against the kitchen sink. He asked, “Why do you do this to me?” I was, of course, confused. I didn’t understand what he was talking about.
He said again, “Why do you do this to me? Are you afraid that I might be happy? You stopped us from going to my home. You stopped her from coming with us. You cancelled our trip without asking me first.”
I didn’t do any of this. He knew I didn’t do any of this, yet I was being blamed for what didn’t go his way.
Then he spit in my face. I was completely sickened by this. Spitting in someone’s face, is something I wouldn’t ever dream of doing to anyone, not even my own worst enemy. I was unaware that a broken heart can break further.
He is mean in his words and actions. He talks about World War III starting, so that he can torture and kill people that anger him. When he reads in the news about a wife being murdered, he will smile at me and say, “I wonder what she did to him to make him murder her.”
At times, I can feel my life hanging in the balance, but at other times, he is loving like he used to be. My poor tired mind and broken heart are so confused. How can you turn off your heart so that you can make the choices that will be better for the whole family?
by Band Back Together | Mar 23, 2016 | Abandonment, Anger, Loneliness, Parent Loss, Therapy |
This is my first post for Band Back Together. It’s been really interesting reading all of your stories. I feel the sense of community in these posts.
I was separated from my mother at the very early age of around three or four.
Recently, I have noticed it is affecting my relationships with a lot of people in my life, including my fiance. I’ve noticed when I am away from her, I rage and become angry. I always seem to look for connections with other people, so I am not alone. I try to either keep myself busy, or I surround myself with other people so that I don’t have to be alone.
I am currently seeking therapy for my abandonment issues.
I would really appreciate some feedback from other people who deal with similar issues.
by Band Back Together | Mar 22, 2016 | Abortion, Abortion Recovery, Adoption, Adult Adoptees, Anger, Anxiety, Family, Fear, Forgiveness, How To Help A Friend With Infertility, In Vitro Fertilization, Infertility, IUI, Medical Mystery Tour, Stress, Trauma |
When I was 15, I had terrible ovarian cysts so my doctor put me on birth control. Not that I needed it – I wasn’t sexually active. It was great. No cysts. When I was about 19, I decided to go off the pill. I was taking them but didn’t need them as I still wasn’t sexually active. I knew it couldn’t be great for me so I just stopped taking them.
And then, I never got another period.
After about a year, I went back to my gynecologist and asked about it, whether it was strange or not. He said it WAS very strange and that it did happen occasionally. I may never get another period and may, in fact, be infertile. He told me this very solemnly and with great empathy. He was a good man.
But me, well, uh, I was ECSTATIC! Infertile? Please. Thank you, god. I was never the kid who planned the wedding and the babies and the names. I had three younger siblings I didn’t really care anything about (now I do). I loved to party and this was before the HIV/AIDS epidemic. (YEAH..I know, I said it. This was mid to late 70′s. Figure out how old I am)
I was trying to be an actor and was living a very vagabondish life. I worked about 10 different jobs so I could live and enjoy my life and sexuality. And then one day I felt different. I went to the clinic and yes, I was pregnant. This was after not using birth control for 6 or 7 years. It was a very easy decision for me to make and I had an abortion. I have never regretted that decision.
I lived my life. I used birth control (not the pill, the sponge… remember the Seinfeld episode when Elaine hoards them?)
And then I met Tom. We were friends, fell in love and got married. I realized that, in fact, I did want to have a family with him and that it was going to be wonderful. My life and expectations were turned upside down by the love I felt for Tom and it was so exciting and fun. We were older and after a year of trying, we started dealing with infertility. I was fine. Tom’s motility was low. No boxers or hot tubs. My eggs were a little old. We did inseminations. (Did any of you ever ALMOST make love in the quiet room with your legs in stirrups? To make it more personal? I KNOW you did!)
About a year later, during an insemination break, I became pregnant. There were little lines on the test and it was so exciting! We told everyone. It was amazing. We went to check in and have an ultrasound and hear the heartbeat and well, you all know… there wasn’t one. It was ectopic. I sobbed as they took me in for my D&C because I wanted this baby that I never wanted. This was a little “me and Tom.” It was heartbreaking for both of us.
The next step was IVF. I became a science experiment. I’m not sure there are enough words to convey how much I hated the process. I was going crazy from the hormones, the daily shots of Lupron and the shots Tom gave me (though, I think he got a little pleasure from it). I had eggs harvested and there were a lot. Not many were viable though. There were enough for a transfer and enough to freeze for the next baby.
So we followed protocol and did everything right. There was no baby. It was heartbreaking. Because for the faintest minute, they thought there was a baby… but no, there wasn’t.
We did it once. That’s all we needed. I looked at Tom and said I didn’t want to be a science experiment anymore. I wanted to be a mom and I was already 38 years old. We moved on to adoption. We were together on this decision. He didn’t need a clone and neither did I.
I am so grateful I was with Tom because someone else may not have seen it that way. And that would have been OK but a problem for us. And with Tom it was not a problem. We moved together to the adoption process and that will be my next post.
Because that was a barrel of laughs, too!
by Band Back Together | Mar 16, 2016 | Abuse, Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents, Anger, Compassion, Economic Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Narcissistic Personality Disorder |
Discovered, after 40+ years that I am an ACON (Adult Child of Narcissistic Parent). I guess I knew along that something was wrong with our family growing up, at least, with my relationship with my father, I just never knew what it was. I guess I just never knew that my “normal” was not normal.
Happily married for 12 years with 2 wonderful children, there were so many episodes with father in my adult life. Episodes between him and my wife, episodes between him and me and then the deal breaker, the last and final episode when he started on my 10 year old son. It was like something inside of me let go, something changed. I was furious at him, I was enraged like I had never been before. I thrust myself into a quest for answers, to answer the ultimate question as to why, why is my relationship with my father a complete disaster, why can’t I have a normal relationship with him?
In my search I stumbled, by accident, across narcissism. As I read the definition and characteristics of a narcissist it was like I was reading about my father. The more I read, the more I was blown away about what I had discovered. It was all there, every bit of it, all the criticisms, the one-upping, the belittling, the obsession with money, the gambling, the down-talking, the tone of his voice, the disregard for boundaries, the fits of rage, the inability to take criticism, the ego-driven decisions, the lack of common sense, the lack of empathy, the threats, triangulation, the control of information, all of it was there…. and so, my journey to recovery began. I have much more to say, much, much, more….
by Band Back Together | Mar 14, 2016 | Adult Child Loss, Anger, Depression, Help For Grief And Grieving, Loving An Addict, Prescription Drug Abuse |
There are days when I sit and think about my son’s addiction. I think about everything I did do, didn’t do or should have done. I start to disassemble his entire journey in my mind trying to find the missing piece. That piece that somehow I overlooked during our struggle for recovery. You see, my son had the worst outcome. The one every parent dreads but would never allow the thought to even cross their lips. My son overdosed and died of the very pills he was given to manage his post op pain.
His addiction snuck up on us like a thief in the night. Carefully and quietly taking us by surprise. Like the elephant in the room, we all knew there was a problem but no one had the guts to say the words. I called it our dirty little secret. Keeping it safe and sound between me and my addict son. Protecting both of us from the ugliness of the stigma attached to this most misunderstood disease. We had brief periods when we were given a glimpse of normal, tricking us into believing the demons had lost their grip and moved on. Then reality would hit as my son returned to his world of darkness and chaos dragging me along for the ride of my life.
His addiction consumed me as I struggled to find places where he would stay safe and I would get a much needed break from the endless worry constantly dancing in my mind. Finding the right fit of rehab was like finding a rose in six feet of snow. I fought to get him in and he fought to get out. Never feeling like the help and support he needed was available wherever he was staying at the time. I’ve learned that helping the addict is like matching fingerprints. Almost impossible. Hindsight is such a great gift if only it arrived before things were said and done, people were trusted and money was wasted on places that made promises that could never be kept.
There are days I feel like I failed him. After all as mothers our job is to keep our children safe. I have a double whammy. I’m not just a mom but also a nurse, a fixer. The very idea that I could not fix my son horrifies me. I allowed myself the sick illusion that I was in control of his addiction and I had the power to fix him. Even when that little voice of reason resonated through my brain, and was echoed by close friends and family, “you didn’t cause it and you can’t cure it” I still continued to beat myself up dissecting every fight, every rehab, tough love, no love or tons of love that we lived during his battle. Being the lone survivor of my sons addiction is a life sentence. I’m still shocked that he is gone. It feels like the beginning of my end. I have become my own personal punching bag. I have a million reasons why his death is my fault. I should have… begins my sentence when close friends try to set me straight.
There is nothing that can change my mind. I should have been able to save him. I had years of practice. So now my painful reality is every parents nightmare. Now, I must figure out a way to go on without him. I have become a sounding board for other mothers living the nightmare of addiction. In the midst of my struggle for survival and my fighting back at the broken system, I have made many contacts. By channeling my anger to make a difference I have stumbled upon people who have started the walk of grief before I joined this club. Together we find strength and hope that the bigger we grow and the louder we become the harder we will be to ignore. Parents whose prior struggle was to save their children. Working together to fix the breaks in the system we have come to know too well. A system that fought us when we were begging for help, a system that turned its back on a generation of addicts pleading for their lives. My son’s struggle has ended. Mine has begun. Everyday is a struggle. Trying to ease the pain that grips my heart and fighting to find joy in a world that has turned upside down. My new normal is just that, so new that even I have trouble adjusting. I pray for acceptance. I pray for peace. Until then I survive one day at a time.
by Band Back Together | Feb 19, 2016 | Adult Bullying, Anger, Bullying, Emotional Abuse, Emotional Boundaries, Family, Marriage and Partnership, Marriage Problems |
I hate my life right now. I have no one who can relate to me, and I don’t know if someone has ever been in my situation. It started after my husband and I got married. I didn’t really know his family that well and neither did he, he had always tried to distance himself and stay low with them. They seemed nice and friendly to me, but he told me a few times they are not all that nice when you get to know them.
They are from an Asian culture, very materialistic, controlling and demanding. Finding something authentic in them has been hard. I’ve come to experience this first hand, sadly after our first child was already born. Now all my instincts are going crazy and I don’t know what to do anymore. I almost want to leave my husband just to get my child away from these crazy folks.
My sister in law is the worst, and frankly I haven’t seen much yet, and I don’t want to. She appears as this big hearted, warm and EXTREMELY nice person at first, but she goes on fire really easily. She has some serious issues with self realization and is in denial about everything except for her money. She blows off at the tiniest incidents. And she treats my husband like he is shit. Calls him names, gives him orders -she’s the oldest and dominates the whole family. His mother is not much better, plays the victim the whole time, my husband falls for it very easily. She does creepy stuff to my child all the time. My sister in law has a child that is 4 months older than ours so my mother in law was constantly trying to make them play together, although they were only a few weeks old.
The whole thing was alright with me in the beginning, until an event happened that really upset me. My husband found his sister nursing our son. The whole event was so absurd and difficult to describe, I wasn’t there. I left my child with my husband for 1 hour, he went to his parents, his parents had some kids over, and of course my sister in law and her family were there. My husband left my child with my mother in law and sister in law for maybe 4-5 minutes, when he comes back she is nursing him, and my mother in law is watching and smiling at the whole thing.
When I heard about this incident I got really angry and called her up telling her nicely this was inappropriate and I expected an apology. She responded with denying the whole thing, calling my husband an idiot because he got it all wrong, then she called my husband up yelling at him for putting her in an awkward situation and going against the family. Everybody denies the whole thing and is calling me crazy. I am now still extremely angry at his family. I find it unbearable to be around them. I’ve tried to talk to them, talking about limits and boundaries, but they only smile and say yes yes yes. It drives me nuts.
This has put a heavy burden on our marriage as I find it really hard accepting them as they are or seeing myself and our son spending time with them. I cannot leave my child alone with them as they push the limits all the time. My husband finds it more important than ever spending time with them, and only wants to show compassion and understanding. I don’t trust his judgments and feel really alone in this. But what is he supposed to do? They are his family, but so am I. But he seems to have no opinion of his own except for love and understanding. That is just too far out for me in all this anger.
