by Bratmom | Feb 8, 2019 | Anxiety Disorders, Ask The Band, Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Autism, Bipolar Disorder, Co-Morbid Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Feelings, Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder, Mental Health, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Parenting |
I posted a while ago anonymously about my oldest son. He is truly in a bad, bad place. He’s a very angry child. We sought help from his therapist and psychiatrist. Finally, after weeks and weeks of fighting, we got somewhere. He was diagnosed with co-morbid bipolar disorder along with his autism, ADHD, ODD, depression, and anxiety.
It finally felt like we were getting somewhere. Until…that deep dark place got worse.
We are fighting daily to keep him out of inpatient hospital stays. I walk on egg shells talking to him because I don’t know what is going to upset him.
I’ve had a continuous migraine for the past 5 days because just thinking about him makes my anxiety sky high. He’s a good kid and has such a good heart, I just don’t know how to help him.
Does anyone have any ideas?
I am all out of ideas. I’m completely mentally worn the eff out. He’s just so angry and mad at the world. I just want my happy kid back
by anonymous | Feb 7, 2019 | Depression, Dwarfism, Feelings |
All right, I have two confessions to make before I start this post.
One) I totally pushed myself into this. I felt almost called to say something. After some clarifying on what a birth defect was via Twitter (thanks, DJ Moo :)), I felt like I had committed myself.
Two) I suck at blogging, writing, and this whole world of wordy creativity. I fully support it and have a Google Reader addiction, but I don’t have the knack for writing, so bear with me. 🙂
Allow me to introduce myself: I am 17 years old, a strong believer in God, and a Starbucks addict. I talk way too much and adore my friends more than anything else in this world. I work at a preschool, as well as babysitting for two of the sweetest girls in the world. One more thing: I’m just over 4 feet tall.
Mmm, you got that right. I have achondroplasia, the most common form of dwarfism. I was officially diagnosed at 3 months, and it is just as much a part of my life as your birthmark on your forehead or her bright blue eyes. I do everything that everyone else does, just in my own way.
What has truly shaped me within my “defect”? My parents are average height. I am the only one in my entire family with this genetic disorder blessing. I walk this road alone on a day to day basis. Does it suck sometimes? Absolutely. Would I want my life any other way? Absofreakin’lutely not.
Little People of America has been the greatest support system for me. We have conferences 3 times a year – over 200 people in my district alone, as well as nationwide with over 2,000 people – that I’ve been attending since I was 3. My true second family. But 10 days out of the whole year isn’t enough to make me feel mixed in with the rest of the world.
I think the reason I pushed myself to write this was because it’s been weighing down on me lately. I am going to college in the fall, and though I’m beyond thrilled, I’m a bit scared as to how my dwarfism will hinder my college experience. I’ve battled depression, and honestly, my physical differences and incapabilities have got to be a huge source of it.
As my mom put it, “It sucks to be a teenager, you think nobody ever understands you. But to be a teenager with dwarfism – that is truly when you know people don’t understand you. It’s got to be even more impossible.”
So… yeah. It’s hard not to be able to work in the kitchen without a stool. It’s hard to be 5 minutes late to class – while you’ve got all the sympathy in the world from your teachers – because your school is so darn big. It’s hard to be stared at. It’s hard to be shrieked at because someone is truly taken aback by your height. It’s hard to be asked “how’s the weather down there?” It’s hard to be called a midget – basically the equivalent of the n-word. It’s hard to have many close friends who “get” you to a point, but will never be able to “get” that one piece of you. It’s hard to have how much you actually can do alone be underestimated. At the same time, it’s hard to have to ask someone to grab that one pint of ice cream you can’t reach because, though you’re best at shelf-climbing, it’s too risky sometimes. 🙂
But it’s what has made me stronger. I am really outgoing, and I think my dwarfism contributes to that extremely. My average-height friends have supported me in every way they can. They honestly have told me they forget I’m short. And I love that. They have seen beyond my differences.
My uniqueness is part of me, but not the whole. It has made me who I am, and I would never, ever want to change. I have more opportunities to stand up for myself. I want to educate people about dwarfism as much as possible. It’s not a “disease” that can be cured, but there are thousands of lives that hold this genetic blip that gets over-judged by everyone.
I am me. I always have been, and I always will be. I most likely won’t be growing any more. And I’m okay with that. I have learned to accept myself. I am beyond sure that God had a supreme purpose for putting me right here, right now, just as I am. I just haven’t found that purpose yet.
Thank you for listening.
I just needed to get that out… hoping to find a support system here, because the one in my ‘real world’ is slowly coming down.
by anonymous | Feb 6, 2019 | Bringing the Happy Back World Tour, Feelings, Self Esteem, Self Loathing |
This year, it’s time to take action. It’s time to pull our heads out of our asses and make some plans for world domination.
How? By telling the world, not what we want to do this year, but what we will.
So what will YOU do this year?
I will… walk for 30 minutes a day, five days a week as per an extremely informative video making the rounds on youtube.
I will… trust that the universe will give us what we need, when we need it.
I will… laugh more.
I will… create – write, draw, colour, take pictures, make cards, etc.
I will… meditate.
I will… practice mindfulness.
I will… get outside.
I will… send more happy mail.
I will… get more sleep.
I will… listen to my body.
I will… stop hating myself.
I will… learn to love myself.
I will… be unapologetically ME.
Phew! That’s a tall order. Good thing I’m up for the job!
by Jay123 | Feb 5, 2019 | Anxiety, Ask The Band, Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotional Abuse, Feelings, Friend Loss, Friendship, Psychological Manipulation, Psychological Manipulation, Relational Aggression, Relationships, Romantic Relationships, Self Esteem, Self-Esteem, Social Isolation |
I spent the last many years married to a woman with fairly severe (clinically diagnosed) Borderline Personality Disorder. I could very easily fill an entire book writing about what that experience was like, so it’s hard to know how to distill it. Here are some things I know-
-Years of being subjected to masterfully performed gaslighting has left me very unsure of all my own judgements and perceptions of reality.
-Years of being degraded and emasculated when I wanted to discuss my thoughts/feelings, being told that it is unattractive for a man to show “weakness” to his wife, has left me uncertain of when it’s ok to be vulnerable with other people.
-Years of walking on eggshells, trying so hard to do and say everything just right, but knowing that no matter how well I did, the next blow-up/emotional attack was always coming, has left me perpetually anxious, and steeped so heavily in learned helplessness that I often struggle to even feel that I have any control over what happens in my life. I never used to be that way at all.
-Years of having all my contributions and accomplishments minimized or forgotten, and all my imperfections magnified and carefully score-carded, has left me with close to zero sense of self-efficacy.
-Years of living with someone who is intimacy avoidant and uninterested in sex, but being told the whole time that her disinterest is caused by my shortcomings–because I didn’t last long enough in bed, or because I lasted too long in bed (yes, both of those), or because of the stress I was causing her by me not making us enough money (even when I was bringing in over six figures a year), or because I was paying too much attention to (suffocating) her, or because I was not paying enough attention to (neglecting) her– has left my self confidence so damaged that I almost fear being intimate with someone again.
Probably the worst part, though? During the early “idealization” phase of the relationship, she was incredibly jealous and protective of my attention (which at the time I foolishly believed was just because she loved me so much). So, focusing all of my time and attention on her needs, I greatly distanced myself from any male friends I was close to, and completely cut off contact with all of my female friends. Once she flipped me into the devaluation phase, I was left with a partner who had zero interest in me, other than what I could fix or provide for her, and only weak remnants of friendships remained. I was effectively isolated to the point that I spent most of my free time just sitting alone in my basement, wishing things were different.
Isolation is definitely one of my biggest hurdles right now. I’d really like to make some new friends, particularly some female friends since I lost all but one or two, but no clue where to even start. I just really miss having more meaningful conversations and connections with people.
Another hurdle is figuring out how to integrate “what I know to be true” with “what I feel to be true.” For example, I can write down a list of all of my business/financial accomplishments, and objectively say I’ve been successful in that area. I know this to be true. But I do not feel that this is true. I can find endless examples of things I’ve done or experiences I’ve had that show most of the negative feelings I mentioned above are illogical or don’t line up with reality. But again, I still don’t feel that.
I would love any thoughts or advice from anyone who has gone through something similar. What worked? What DIDN’T work? How did you reconnect with yourself? How did you reconnect with other people and build some new meaningful friendships/relationships?
by Band Back Together | Jan 31, 2019 | Eating Disorders, Feelings, Shame |
I’ve written about the night my daughter died. I’ve gone on and on about my depression battles. I’ve even written about a suicide attempt. Yet this is the most difficult post I’ve ever written. Because I’ve never told anyone. I just made the connection a few weeks ago. My “aha” moment, Oprah would say.
And Oprah could probably relate.
Deep breath.
I’m a binge eater.
I’ve never typed those words, or even thought about telling anyone.
I’m ashamed. The stigmas attached to this disorder, painful. I’m the fat girl. The one you judge. The one you think should “just go on a diet.”
I used to lie to myself. Tell myself excuse after excuse. For a while, I went to the other extreme. I stopped eating for over a year, and the weight fell off. I became so sick. I was “normal” weight for probably under a year.
When my daughter died, the weight gain was so fast. I told people this or that. I lied to them and lied to myself.
The truth is I’m overweight because I eat an outrageous amount of food when I’m sad. I eat too much.
I’m so ashamed. I’m ready to get rid of that shame. I’m ready to eat like a normal person. I’m ready for my husband to not ask “Is the ice cream all gone?” or “Did you eat all the XXX?” He means no harm, but I feel so bad when he asks. I feel like a fat ass.
I think coming to this realization is important. I think it will be key to changing this. It’s not going to be easy though, The Band, not easy at all.
I’m scared to hit publish. I don’t know if I should do it anonymously or not.
I’m scared people will think of me differently.
I know that coming out about this publicly will mean that I’m fully ready to admit to being a binge eater.
I just don’t know that I’m ready. I can continue to deny and go on eating to provide comfort if I publish this anonymously. Or if I publish as me, it will be the catalyst to change. I know that from my experience with other demons. I need to own this as both part of me and something beyond my control.
I’m a binge eater.
by Band Back Together | Jan 28, 2019 | Anxiety, Ask The Band, Connective Tissue Disorders, Elhers Danlos Syndrome, Family, Feelings, Health |
So, let’s talk about my youngest. He is one of the sweetest most loving caring kids you will ever meet. He has autism, ADHD, anxiety, depression, asthma, and EDS. EDS Elhers Danlos Syndrome. It’s a connective tissue disorder. It sucks. I have it also and right now we are both having major pain flares.
Readers Digest version: last Wednesday, I think it was, my husband and I and our youngest went to our foot doctor because my feet are horrible, my husband’s are from the army and back in December, my son fell and sprained his ankle, and we thought he was ok but he was still limping. With EDS, you do not walk it off, and I have two surgeries on my feet to prove that.
So, the doctor gets x-rays, and comes and gets my husband and me to come look at them. She points at a spot on his ankle and says, “I don’t know what that is, I don’t like it. I want an MRI immediately!”
Ok, so I’m freaking out inside. She puts my son in a walking boot and he’s fine; he’s none the wiser. He walks with a cane daily because his knees are really bad.
So, we learn it could be dead bone, dead connective tissue, the C word, malformed bone or connective tissue and I forget what else. He will probably need surgery. I’m not handling this well at all. He’s my baby and I know he hurts because I gave him the blasted syndrome.
The “immediately” is not happening because apparently it’s a special kind and even though my son has 3 insurances, they have to sign off first. I’m just beside myself. My anxiety is not happy. Thank god for happy pills. Any suggestions on how not to obsess?
