my son turned 18 today.
he can: buy lottery tickets, get a tattoo, buy cigarettes, visit a strip club, vote, sign up for the draft, stay out until all hours, buy alcohol (well, not here but many places), gamble (again, certain states).
he is no longer a boy, but a man.
It would be really great if all of us stopped telling other people that we hope Karma catches up with them. Do not get me wrong, I am not saying you have no right to feel how you feel. However, the road to healing is not an easy one. When we choose to breathe the words “I can’t wait until Karma catches up with you” is sort of like saying that you cannot wait to find out what it is like to be that person. I will explain.
Our Grand Universe is comprised of nothing more than Ethereal Energy. We are also made of this same energy. No matter what we want to believe, ultimately, we are who is in charge of our own lives.
Lanakila, one of my most favorite teachers of all things Spirit, told me that I had to think of my words, whether written, spoken, or even thought about, as carriers for energy. When we speak, we are not really aware that we are doing so with emotions and feelings which are energizing those words.
Think about the last time you had road rage. Your angry, raging energies affected the whole situation. The other person may have had no idea what was going on – all they knew was that they did something to piss off a total stranger. Whenever there is a dearth of emotions, there is a guarantee that SOMEONE in that emotional stew is going to have to bear the brunt-end of things.
Our memories have energy tied to them. You can take the memory of a time when someone really hurt you, and you can actually change the energetic vibration of that memory. Unless you are aware of what the reality of Karma is, you cannot turn the energy to flow in a different, friendlier direction. When we change our own energy, we change the energy of Karma.
It is not easy trying to think another way. I know this one personally. However, when we even try, the Universe responds quickly. When we change our way of thinking, it subconciously takes away the power of the creeps who have hurt us.
By simply just being neutral, or even happy, that is what stops your Karma from happening, almost immediately. It literally shuts down that ugly energy within us, meaning that the ugly Karma energy cannot reach the morons who did whatever they did.
My greatest experiences in healing from my own crap was when I chose to not wreck my own Karma further. I chose NOT to go through stuff that other people went through, just because I was hurt and I wanted them to hurt as badly. Believe me – no matter what anyone of us wants to believe, the creeps who hurt people are already creating a Karma debt that WILL BE paid, if not in this lifetime, then in the next. The reality is that no Karmic debt EVER goes unpaid, no matter what.
When I chose to no longer suffer in the energies that they so happily, vengefully sent my way is when my own Karma was cleared. When I chose to “cut the cords” and no longer attach myself to negative people, I stopped them from siphoning all of my good energy away from me. There is still is a lot of personal soul work on myself that I have to do, but I literally made it so that the ugly energies they’d sent to me went right back to them. That is the nature of energy. It seeks out and ultimately finds that which is like it, that which matches it, and that which it can grow from.
Karmic energy is circular, literally meaning, what comes around, goes around, be it good or not. When you are feeling spiteful about the people who were bad to you, try hard to stop yourself. The idiots who have hurt us should never be allowed to have any kind of control over us or our lives.
When we prove things, it is like we are opening up for our abusers to take control again, because the very need to prove them wrong is a measure of control. When we fight back and defend, even though it is good that we do, we give our abusers the control that they are looking for. This is what causes the back and forth of the fighting and the arguing that ultimately ends up with our being hurt. The reality is that people who hurt have a hard time hurting others. It is not in our nature.
Karma tells us that what we put others through, no matter what, we will also go through. When we tell people that we want them to suffer, we will suffer in the same magnitude that we wished on them. When we remain neutral and do not allow our feelings to become the thing that we focus on, we are keeping our own souls safe from harm.
So, now that you know what’s up with this whole Karmic groove thing …what are you going to do with this new information?
ALOHA!
Last year, for Christmas, we went to the beach. South Padre Island, to be specific. I got to spend Christmas Day on the beach, and it was amazing.
We drove to the place where the road ends and got out and walked and walked and picked up seashells, then we rode to the other end of the island, where the land ended, and walked, and picked up seashells, and saw birds, and took a dolphin watch cruise, and in general, just opted out of the commercial side of Christmas.
Whenever I feel the world pressing in too closely around me, I just look at these pictures and remember when we went to the place where the road ends. I remember the Christmas that was about enjoying the world I live in, with the souls I love the most. I remember the awe I felt as I stood on the beach and watched the gulf crash into the shore, and I remember the tears I cried as I stared at the beauty my creator wrought. And the world recedes, and my heart knows a moment’s peace.
I actually feel bad for posting this because it’s a petty problem. Everyone on here has real problems, and I’m just writing about a guy I’m still in love with. It’s pathetic, I know. No one has to read this if they don’t want to.
In 8th grade, I realized that I wanted to have someone always there to compliment me, to make me feel beautiful or important, so I was on a social media website. Even though I never believed the guys I added on there, I still wanted the attention.
Blake lived about three hours away. He accepted my friend request, and sent me a message. When I was going to spend a week at my aunt’s house, and wouldn’t have internet access, I asked him to text me. He was pretty cool and attractive. We talked a little. One day, he sent me a message saying, “Please don’t let us drift apart.” I said we wouldn’t. Sometimes, he would try to call me, but I don’t like talking on the phone, so I wouldn’t usually answer.
One day I did answer, and it was an amazing night. I got to know him a bit better than I did through text messages. He’s extremely funny, sarcastic, and witty. I found his laugh and the way he talks adorable. That started my huge crush on him. I found out the next day, he liked me, too. Long distance relationships suck. We didn’t date, but we really liked each other. Eventually, it turned into love.
I truly trusted him and loved him, so I told him my secrets. He told me he wanted to kiss me really bad, and that he loved me. He even wrote me a poem on Facebook in a message. I was happy with whatever Blake and I were. I wanted it to be official, but understood why we weren’t.
I’m insecure, and I was hurt by the distance, so I started dating Landon, a guy I went to school with. That hurt Blake a lot, but he continued to be my friend, even though it was painful. It wasn’t my intention to hurt Blake. Eventually, Landon and I broke up, and I apologized to Blake for hurting him.
I wanted to be the first to tell him “Happy Birthday,” so I called him at five minutes to 12:00 the night before. We had a very good conversation, with lots of humor, and he seemed to be in a good mood.
I told him later that when I got off the phone with him that night, my friend asked why we weren’t “dating” anymore. Blake didn’t like that. He quit texting me. I knew that I screwed everything up. He was done.
After he was gone, I realized just how much I love him. He has probably succeeded in moving on, but I haven’t. It’s been almost three years, and I still have the same feelings for him. I don’t think they’re going away.
I’m currently dating a guy named Brandon. He knows about Blake. He’s rightfully scared that I’m not over Blake, and it’s true. I’m not. I thought dating someone else would help me get over him. At one point, I thought I was. Then, I saw that Blake was going to a concert near me. I spent my summer trying to go to it, just to finally see him. I thought that he might start talking to me again. There were bands that I wanted to see, but Blake was the main reason I was going. I saw him, but he didn’t see me. He was talking to someone, so I didn’t intrude.
Later, I posted my pictures from the concert online, and he messaged me for the first time in a while. He asked if I went to that concert, I told him that I had. When I told him why I didn’t talk to him there, he said, “Oh, you should’ve said hey, I never saw you.” That made me the happiest I had been in a very long time. It sounded like he would have wanted to see me if he had known I was going. I wish I had told him I would be there.
Basically, I really hate myself for screwing things up. I still believe that I love Blake. We haven’t talked since that day after the concert. I don’t believe I should be alive because of the way I treated him. I was terrible to him, when all he did was care about me and love me. He’s so perfect, and he could do better than me anyways. But I can’t help it. I want to be selfish. I love him so much.
He had asked me for a divorce, and I had fought for months to keep that from happening. I loved him, and I didn’t want our family to fall apart. I knew there was another woman, even though he wouldn’t admit it. He had never admitted to any of the others, why would he tell the truth this time?
I was annoyed by the irony of how he wanted to sign the divorce papers. He had dropped off the papers at the house for me to read them, but he didn’t want either of us to sign them until we were together. It was like he wanted it to be some kind of sick date! How romantic of him, right? Let’s get together as a couple and sign the divorce papers. Be still my heart!
I had been avoiding reading them until that day, trying to delay the inevitable. I knew there was nothing I could do. He’d made up his mind. But when I sat down to read them, I couldn’t believe my eyes! Here was my way out of this! The papers said that I was agreeing that our marriage was irreconcilable. The thing was, I didn’t belive our marriage WAS irreconcilable. I thought it could be saved. This was a legal document. I could not put my signature on a legal document that I didn’t agree with! So if I told him that I believed our marriage was worth saving, and I couldn’t sign the papers, maybe he would agree to work on it!
He came over that night, cheerful as could be, ready to have our special little night of writing off our marriage. I took a deep breath and told him I couldn’t sign the papers, explaining my reasons.
His rage was immediate. I saw his eyes go red and his lips swell up like they always did when he was ready to start punching things. I knew he’d had an anger management problem before we met. I’d read his homework from the court-appointed class that he’d had to take. I knew he’d lied on the homework, making things look less than they were. But he seemed to have learned from the class because he’d only ever thrown things before when he was mad at me. It had only happened a handful of times, but he would grab whatever was closest to him, throw it, and then stomp out of the house.
I had never worried about him actually hitting me.
But now he was on a rampage. His fury was terrifying. He punched his fist through a tv tray that was in the living room, completely destroying it. He took the little table that my dad had built when I was a child, that our daughter used to do puzzles and color, and smashed it into the floor. The corner of the little table was crushed, it dented the hardwood floor, then it bounced and hit the edge of our brand new tv. Thankfully, it didn’t hit the screen. But it left a permanent mark on the tv’s frame that I could never clean off, no matter how hard I scrubbed.
Then he crashed his way through the house and into our bedroom. I was even more terrified because our daughter and our foster daughter were asleep in the next room and I was so afraid he would wake them. I didn’t want them to see this side of him.
Once in our bedroom, my terror turned to horror as he grabbed the golf club he always kept next to the bed – for protection from intruders – and started swinging it around the room. He smashed the glass on the pictures hanging just a few feet away from my head. For the first time in our ten-year marriage, I was truly afraid that he might actually hit me. I stood there sobbing, pleading with him to calm down.
And that’s when I knew.
Our marriage could no longer be saved.
He had crossed a line that I was not willing to deal with.
Our marriage really was irreconcilable.
I told him I would sign the papers. As quickly as the rage had entered him, it was gone. We went into the kitchen where we sat down at the table and signed the papers. He hugged me, then left. I cleaned up the mess he had made, so the girls wouldn’t see it in the morning. Then I went to bed, where I cried myself to sleep.
It took me a few days to recover from the impact of seeing him so angry. I deeply mourned the end of the marriage we could have had.
But one day, about a week after signing the papers, I realized I was done. I no longer wanted anything to do with him. I was ready to move on and make a new life for myself.