Coping With Rape

by Band Back Together | Oct 8, 2018

When a person is raped or sexually assaulted, his or her world is turned upside down. Not only has he or she been violated in the most intimate way possible, he or she has to heal from the assault. But…how? Society is still afraid to talk openly about a rape or sexual assault; people may not know how to approach the rape victim – afraid to say the wrong thing.

Read more information about rape/sexual assault.

Read more about male sexual assault.

Every person who has been sexually violated responds differently to the crime – some become horribly depressed while others become very angry. All emotions are fair responses to a rape or sexual assault.

Here are a list of tips for talking to a rape victim as well as how to help yourself recover from a rape or sexual assault. Note that for the purposes of this resource, we are using rape and sexual assault interchangeably.

How To Recover From A Rape/Sexual Assault:

The trauma of being raped or sexually assaulted can be shattering, leaving you feeling scared, ashamed, and alone or plagued by nightmares, flashbacks, and other unpleasant memories. But no matter how bad you feel right now, it’s important to remember that you weren’t to blame for what happened and you can regain your sense of safety and trust. Recovering from sexual trauma takes time, and the healing process can be painful. But with the right strategies and support, you can move past the trauma, rebuild your sense of control and self-worth, and even come out the other side feeling stronger and more resilient.

Sexual violence is shockingly common in our society. According to the CDC, nearly 1 in 5 women in the U.S. are raped or sexually assaulted at some point in their lives, often by someone they know and trust. In some Asian, African, and Middle Eastern countries, that figure is even higher. And sexual assault isn’t limited to women; many men and boys suffer rape and sexual trauma each year.

Regardless of age or gender, the impact of sexual violence goes far beyond any physical injuries. When you’ve been raped, the world doesn’t feel like a safe place anymore. You no longer trust others. You don’t even trust yourself. You may question your judgment, your self-worth, and even your sanity. You may blame yourself for what happened or believe you’re “dirty” or “damaged goods.” Relationships feel dangerous, intimacy impossible. And on top of that, like many rape survivors, you may struggle with PTSD, anxiety, and depression.

It’s important to remember that what you’re experiencing is a normal reaction to trauma. Your feelings of helplessness, shame, defectiveness, and self-blame are symptoms, not reality. No matter how difficult it may seem right now, with these tips and techniques, you can come to terms with what happened and learn to heal and move on with your life.

If you have been the victim of a rape or sexual assault, you may not know how to feel normal again. You may feel that the emotional pain of a rape or sexual assault will never go away. You may feel shame, depression, anxiety and fear after the attack. No matter how you feel, know that things will become better, you will learn to heal, and life will go on in your new normal.

Physically:

Seek medical attention – even if you do not want to take the assault to the police, you must be seen by a doctor to receive care for any injuries and to be tested (and receive treatment) for any sexually transmitted infections.

Even though you may have the intense desire to shower, before showering go see a doctor so he or she can collect evidence to try and convict your rapist. Even if you do not want to press charges right away, you may change your mind later. Chances are, your rapist has or will attack someone else. This evidence could be the difference between a conviction and another rape on another person.

Do not throw away or wash the clothes you were wearing at the time of attack. Place them in a sealed plastic bag to take to the police.

Emotionally:

Adjusting To Life After Rape: Reach Out

You are not alone – one out of every six women and one out of every 33 men have been the victim of a rape.

Remind yourself that every person responds differently to a rape or sexual assault – and that all feelings, ranging from depression, to humiliation, to fear, to confusion, to anger, to numbness, to guilt, to shame. All of these feelings, however unpleasant, are normal.

It can be extraordinarily difficult to admit that you were raped or sexually assaulted. There’s a stigma attached. It can make you feel dirty and weak. You may also be afraid of how others will react. Will they judge you? Look at you differently? It seems easier to downplay what happened or keep it a secret. But when you stay silent, you deny yourself help and reinforce your victimhood.

Reach out to someone you trust. It’s common to think that if you don’t talk about your rape, it didn’t really happen. But you can’t heal when you’re avoiding the truth. And hiding only adds to feelings of shame. As scary as it is to open up, it’s what will set you free. However, it’s important to be selective about who you tell, especially at first. Your best bet is someone who will be supportive, empathetic, and calm. If you don’t have someone you trust, talk to a therapist or call a rape crisis hotline.

Challenge your sense of helplessness and isolation. Trauma leaves you feeling powerless and vulnerable. It’s important to remind yourself that you have strengths and coping skills that can get you through tough times. One of the best ways to reclaim your sense of power is by helping others: volunteer your time, give blood, reach out to a friend in need, or donate to your favorite charity.

Consider joining a support group for other rape or sexual abuse survivors. Support groups can help you feel less isolated and alone. They also provide invaluable information on how to cope with symptoms and work towards recovery. If you can’t find a support group in your area, look for an online group.

The rape was NOT your fault. Self-blame is common among rape victims. Rape victims tend to feel as though they are somehow responsible for the rape. It’s not true – the only person responsible for the sexual assault is the person who committed the rape.

It may take quite some time to rebuild trust in other people. Being the victim of a rape shatters your sense of trust and it’s not something easily rebuilt – like anything else, it takes time.

If you’re finding that you’re having a particularly difficult time coping in the aftermath of the rape, don’t be afraid to find a local counselor who specializes in rape and sexual assault.

Confide in a trusted loved one about your feelings. Don’t keep them bottled inside because you feel you should be “strong” for other people. Let them know how you’re hurting and what they can do to help.

Adjusting To Life After Rape: Coping With Guilt and Shame

Even if you intellectually understand that you’re not to blame for the rape or sexual attack, you may still struggle with a sense of guilt or shame. These feelings can be present immediately following the assault or arise years after the attack. But as you acknowledge the truth of what happened, it will be easier to fully accept that you are not responsible. You did not bring the assault on yourself and you have nothing to be ashamed about.

Feelings of guilt and shame often stem from misconceptions such as:

You didn’t stop the assault from happening. After the fact, it’s easy to second guess what you did or didn’t do. But when you’re in the midst of an assault, your brain and body are in shock. You can’t think clearly. Many people say they feel “frozen.” Don’t judge yourself for this natural reaction to trauma. You did the best you could under extreme circumstances. If you could have stopped the assault, you would have.

You trusted someone you “shouldn’t” have. One of the most difficult things to deal with following an assault by someone you know is the violation of trust. It’s natural to start questioning yourself and wondering if you missed warning signs. Just remember that your attacker is the only one to blame. Don’t beat yourself up for assuming that your attacker was a decent human being. Your attacker is the one who should feel guilty and ashamed, not you.

You were drunk or not cautious enough. Regardless of the circumstances, the only one who is responsible for the assault is the perpetrator. You did not ask for it or deserve what happened to you. Assign responsibility where it belongs: on the rapist.

Adjusting To Life After Rape: Flashbacks And Nightmares

When you go through something stressful, your body temporarily goes into “fight-or-flight” mode. When the threat has passed, your body calms down. But traumatic experiences such as rape can cause you nervous system to become stuck in a state of high alert. You’re hyper sensitive to the smallest of stimuli. This is the case for many rape survivors. Flashbacks, nightmares, and intrusive memories are extremely common, especially in the first few months following the assault. If you’re nervous system remains “stuck” in the long-term and you develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), they can last much longer.

To reduce the stress of flashbacks and upsetting memories:

Try to anticipate and prepare for triggers. Common triggers include anniversary dates; people or places associated with the rape; and certain sights, sounds, or smells. If you are aware of what triggers may cause an upsetting reaction, you’ll be in a better position to understand what’s happening and take steps to calm down.

Pay attention to your body’s danger signals. Your body and emotions give you clues when you’re starting to feel stressed and unsafe. These clues include feeling tense, holding your breath, racing thoughts, shortness of breath, hot flashes, dizziness, and nausea.

Take immediate steps to self-soothe. When you notice any of the above symptoms, it’s important to quickly act to calm yourself down before they spiral out of control. One of the quickest and most effective ways to calm anxiety and panic is to slow down your breathing.

It’s not always possible to prevent flashbacks. But if you find yourself losing touch with the present and feeling like the sexual assault is happening all over again, there are things you can do.

Accept and reassure yourself that this is a flashback, not reality. The traumatic event is over and you survived. Here’s a simple script that can help: “I am feeling [panicked, frightened, overwhelmed, etc.] because I am remembering the rape/sexual assault, but as I look around I can see that the assault isn’t happening right now and I’m not actually in danger.”

Ground yourself in the present. Grounding techniques can help you direct your attention away from the flashback and back to your present environment. For example, try tapping or touching your arms or describing your actual environment and what you see when look around—name the place where you are, the current date, and 3 things you see when you look around.

You may want to learn some breathing exercises to help you calm down. This is one we recommend:

• Sit or stand comfortably with your back straight. Put one hand on your chest and the other on your stomach.
• Take a slow breath in through your nose, counting to four. The hand on your stomach should rise. The hand on your chest should move very little.
• Hold your breath for a count of seven.
• Exhale through your mouth to a count of eight, pushing out as much air as you can while contracting your abdominal muscles. The hand on your stomach should move in as you exhale, but your other hand should move very little.
• Inhale again, repeating the cycle until you feel relaxed and centered.

Adjusting To Life After Rape: Feeling Your Feelings

Your nervous system is in a hypersensitive state following a rape or assault, so you may start doing things to numb yourself or avoid any associations with the trauma. But you can’t selectively numb. When you shut down the unpleasant sensations, you also shut down your self-awareness and capacity for joy. You may end up disconnected both emotionally and physically—existing, but not fully living.

It’s frightening to get back in touch with your body and feelings following sexual trauma. In many ways, rape makes your body the enemy, something that’s been violated and contaminated—something you may hate or want to ignore. It’s also scary to face the intense feelings associated with the assault. But while the process of reconnecting may feel threatening, it’s not actually dangerous. Feelings, while powerful, are not reality. They won’t hurt you or drive you insane. The true danger to your physical and mental health comes from avoiding them.

Once you’re back in touch with your body and feelings, you will feel more safe, confident, and powerful.

These techniques may help:

Massage. After rape, you may feel uncomfortable with human touch. But touching and being touched is an important way we give and receive affection and comfort. You can begin to reopen yourself to human contact through massage therapy when you are ready

Rhythmic movement. Rhythm can be very healing. It helps us relax and regain a sense of control over our bodies. Anything that combines rhythm and movement will work: dancing, drumming, marching. You can even incorporate it into your walking or running routine by concentrating on the back and forth movements of your arms and legs.

Yoga, Tai Chi, and Qigong. These activities combine body awareness with relaxing, focused movement and can help relieve symptoms of PTSD and trauma.

Mindfulness meditation. Mindfulness meditation can be practiced anywhere, even while you are walking or eating. Simply focus on what you’re feeling in the present movement—including any bodily sensations and emotions. The goal is to observe without judgement.

Signs You May Be Numbing The Pain You’re Feeling

You shut down physically. You don’t feel bodily sensations like you used to and you may not be able to distinguish between pleasure and pain

Feeling disconnected from your body and/or surroundings – you may feel like you’re watching yourself or the situation you’re in, rather than participating in it, from far away

Trouble concentrating and remembering things.

Using stimulants, risky activities, or physical pain to feel alive and get rid of the empty feeling inside of you.

Compulsively using drugs or alcohol.

Escaping through fantasies, daydreams, or excessive TV, video games, etc.

Feeling detached from the world, the people in your life, and the activities you used to enjoy.

Mental Recovery After Rape:

Recovering from a rape or sexual assault is a long, complicated experience. Do not feel guilty if you cannot simply “get over it.”

Part of healing from a rape or sexual assault involves regaining feelings of control over your environment. In addition to all of the other complicated feelings after a rape, feeling out of control is not uncommon. The rape took away your control – you must fight to bring it back.

Rebuilding feelings of safety, trust, control and self-worth can take quite a long time – that is okay.

Don’t hesitate to ask for help. If you need help from a counselor or therapist, if you need help finding a support group, if you need help going to the grocery store and getting chores done, ask someone for help. There is no shame in admitting you cannot do it all alone.

Write out your feelings. Don’t hesitate to keep a private journal of your thoughts or contribute a post or three to The Band.

It’s common to feel isolated and disconnected from others following a sexual assault. You may be tempted to withdraw from social activities and your loved ones. But it’s important to stay connected to life and the people who care about you. Support from other people is vital to your recovery.

Remember that support doesn’t mean you always have to talk or dwell on what happened. Having fun and laughing with people who care about you can be equally healing.

Participate in social activities, even if you don’t feel like it. Do “normal” things with other people, things that have nothing to do with the sexual trauma.

Reconnect with old friends. If you’ve retreated from relationships that were once important to you, make the effort to reconnect.

Make new friends. If you live alone or far from family and friends, try to reach out and make new friends. Take a class or join a club to meet people with similar interests, connect to an alumni association, or reach out to neighbors or work colleagues.

Support:

Find – and join – a support group for victims of rape and sexual assault. It can be very healing to be among people who understand the feelings you are dealing with.

Ditch anyone who doesn’t take you seriously or tries to play down what happened to you. Listening to that kind of garbage will only make you feel worse – like you need THAT in your life.

Being raped can make you feel unsafe. It may make you feel like you’re not brave any more – like you want to hide out from everyone to stay safe. Don’t be afraid to ask a friend or loved one to go with you when you begin to go out again.

There is no right or wrong way to heal. Everyone has their own way of healing.

How To Help Someone Recover From A Rape or Sexual Assault:

Your friend or loved one has been attacked and violated in one of the most horrifying of ways. You feel powerless, angry, and unsure of what to do next. 

Here are some tips for helping a loved one recover from a sexual assault:

Right After The Sexual Assault:

Encourage your friend to see a doctor and receive proper medical attention after a sexual assault. He or she may need treatment for STDs or pregnancy testing after the assault.

Encourage – but do not pressure – your friend to report the attack. If your friend does not want to report the rape, respect that decision as his or hers to make.

Shortly After The Rape:

Listen, listen, listen to your friend who has been raped. He or she may try to go over and over the assault, replaying it in his or her mind. Listen without judgement as often as your friend would like.

Assure your loved one that he or she is not to blame for the rape. Expect to do this often as your loved one tries to work out why he or she was the victim of sexual assault.

Reassure your friend or loved one that you will be by their side no matter what. Your door is always open and you’re always just a phone call away.

Reassure your loved one that no one “deserves” to be sexually violated or raped.

Remind your friend that there is no right or wrong way to feel after a rape. Many of the emotions of a rape victim can be confusing – especially to the victim of the sexual assault.

Long Term Help After A Rape:

If your friend seems to be having a particularly hard time recovering from the rape, gently suggest that he or she speak to a counselor trained to help victims of rape.

Help your friend seek therapy for the assault by finding a list of local therapists or support groups that specialize in working with the victims of sexual assault. Often, while very depressed, it is hard for a rape victim to take these steps on his or her own.

Remind your friend who has been through a sexual assault that he or she is not to blame – the guilt and the what ifs can plague a person who has been assaulted for a long time.

Expect that your loved one will experience many emotions following a rape or sexual assault. Feelings of anxiety, fear, humiliation, shame, guilt, anger, numbness and confusion are common following a sexual assault.

Give them time – if your loved one indicates that he or she is still struggling, remind them that there is no timetable for recovering from a rape. Recovery is a slow, gradual process.

If your loved one is a male who is admitting that he was raped, take extra care to reassure him that you believe him. Many people do not believe that men can be the victim of a rape – this could not be farther from the truth. Men and women can both be the victim of a sexual assault.

Read more about male sexual assault.

Help your loved one who was raped to feel that they are now safe. It may take time for a rape victim to feel safe; to begin to participate in activities when they are ready – this is okay. If they ask for your companionship to various activities – including support groups – be sure to provide it if you can.

Allow your loved one to make choices for him or herself. Being raped is the ultimate type of loss of control over their environment. Don’t step in and try to take charge – allow your friend or loved one to make their own decisions as a way to begin the road to empowerment.

Ask – rather than assume you know best – how best you can help your friend. This can help your friend begin the path to recovery and begin to rebuild trust.

It’s natural to be overprotective of a loved one who has been raped – however, your loved one may not appreciate being treated with “kid gloves” or coddled. Play it by ear – you know your loved one best – and if all else fails, ASK them what they want and need from you.

If you are having a hard time coping with the feelings that the rape has stirred up inside you, consider talking to a therapist or counselor about how to manage your OWN feelings.

Self-Care:

Regardless of whether you are a victim, a survivor, or a loved one, taking care of yourself is the best way to help others. There are many ways we can take care of ourselves.

Take time to rest and restore your body’s balance. That means taking a break when you’re tired and avoiding the temptation to lose yourself by throwing yourself into activities. Avoid doing anything compulsively, including working. If you’re having trouble relaxing and letting down your guard, you may benefit from relaxation techniques such as meditation and yoga.

Be smart about media consumption. Avoid watching anything that could trigger bad memories or flashbacks. This includes obvious things such as news reports about sexual violence and sexually explicit TV shows and movies. But you may also want to temporarily avoid anything that’s overly stimulating, including social media.

Take care of yourself physically. It’s always important to eat right, exercise regularly, and get plenty of sleep—doubly so when you’re healing from trauma. Exercise in particular can soothe your traumatized nervous system, relieve stress, and help you feel more powerful and in control of your body.

Avoid alcohol and drugs. Avoid the temptation to self-medicate with alcohol or drugs. Substance use worsens many symptoms of trauma, including emotional numbing, social isolation, anger, and depression. It also interferes with treatment and can add to problems at home and in your relationships.

Balance your life – Make sure you are sleeping, eating, and exercising as regularly as possible. This will help your life regain some normalcy.

Be patient with yourself – It can take a long time to recover. It may happen in small steps, incrementally, or there may be setbacks. Be mindful of your progress and your setbacks

Breathe – Often we forget to breathe and regulating and focusing on your breath is a great way to calm and center your body. It allows you to tune in to what is going on and what you are feeling.

Allow yourself to experience your feelings – This is a tall order, and some people may feel numb after a rape. However, for most there will be emotions that come up at some point. Allow yourself to feel them and give them space to happen. You might feel angry, scared, sad – these are all normal and okay.

Find an outlet – Find an outlet to express your emotions and feelings. This can help rebuild your confidence and your sense of empowerment.

As a Loved One:

Take time for yourself – It is a big job to be supportive of a friend going through a difficult time. Make sure that you give yourself enough space so that you can be mentally available for your loved one.

Get help if you need it – Sometimes it’s worth recognizing that we don’t have all the answers. You’re not expected to be an expert. If you or your loved one need additional help or resources, scout those out and get the help you need too.

Be there – Sometimes just being there is enough. Your loved one is likely looking for a safe space to share, not for a fixer or a solution.

Things To Say To Someone Who Has Been Raped:

“I believe you.”

“I’m so sorry this happened to you.”

“This is not your fault.”

“How can I help?”

“Would you like me to find a support group for you?”

“I’m here if you want to talk.”

“I’m here if you don’t want to talk.”

“You are not alone.”

It’s common to feel isolated and disconnected from others following a sexual assault. You may be tempted to withdraw from social activities and your loved ones. But it’s important to stay connected to life and the people who care about you. Support from other people is vital to your recovery. But remember that support doesn’t mean you always have to talk or dwell on what happened. Having fun and laughing with people who care about you can be equally healing.

Participate in social activities, even if you don’t feel like it. Do “normal” things with other people, things that have nothing to do with the sexual trauma.

Reconnect with old friends. If you’ve retreated from relationships that were once important to you, make the effort to reconnect.

Make new friends. If you live alone or far from family and friends, try to reach out and make new friends. Take a class or join a club to meet people with similar interests, connect to an alumni association, or reach out to neighbors or work colleagues.

How NOT To Help Someone Recover From A Rape or Sexual Assault.

Sometimes even the most well-meaning people can say the wrong thing to a victim of rape or sexual assault. It’s very hard to know what to say and what not to say.

Here are some tips for what not to do or say to a sexual assault survivor.

Don’t guilt or pressure your friend into reporting the rape – it is up to his or her discretion whether or not he or she wants to report the rape to the police. You can encourage this, but do not use guilt or pressure as a motivator – your friend is already dealing with a lot of guilt and grief about the rape.

Don’t imply or outwardly criticize the survivor for not resisting the attack. A rape is not the victim’s fault no matter what.

Don’t suggest that the rape or sexual assault was somehow related to being in the wrong place – and that the victim should’ve known better.

Don’t ask after what the rape or sexual assault victim was wearing or doing at the time of the attack – it implies that blame should be given to the victim for behaving inappropriately.

Don’t judge. Anyone can be a victim of rape or sexual assault – not simply “drunk chicks.” Assaults can happen to anyone at any time at any age. So check judgement at the door and listen openly as your friend opens up about the assault.

If your friend indicates that he or she does not want to talk about the rape, do not push for details. It may make them feel more uncomfortable than they already do, having survived a rape.

Don’t imply that he or she is mis-remembering the situation. If your friend was the victim of sexual violence, it’s not up for debate.

If the rape victim is male, do not indicate that male rape is fake or that the assault didn’t happen. Men can be raped, too.

Don’t frighten them – even as a joke. If your friend or loved one has experienced a sexual assault, chances are that they will feel jumpy and startled under the best of circumstances. So don’t come up behind them suddenly or touch them – this may trigger flashbacks of the rape.

Don’t be offended if your loved one doesn’t want to be close or touch you. Touches may trigger flashbacks of the rape. Ask before hugging or holding their hand if they are okay with you hugging them. Ask every single time you feel compelled to hug them – don’t assume that they are always going to feel comfortable with your touch.

Don’t take out your feelings on your loved one. Knowing that you weren’t able to protect someone you love from a violent sexual assault can cause a lot of unpleasant feelings inside you – it is not your friend’s responsibility to hear about or comfort you about how the rape makes you feel.

Don’t expect too much of yourself. Your friend or loved one may need different types of support from different people – you should not and cannot be the sole person to support your friend as he or she recovers from a rape.

Don’t speak for your loved one unless they have asked you to. When friends, doctors or police ask questions, allow them to speak for themselves.

Things Not To Say To Someone Who Has Been Raped:

“Were you drunk?”

“What were you wearing?”

“Men can’t be raped.”

“It’s your fault.”

“Why aren’t you getting over this faster?”

“You’re wallowing.”

“That wasn’t rape.”

“You were leading him/her on.”

“You shouldn’t report it – it’s only going to make it worse for you.”

“You’re overreacting.”

If you have additional suggestions to add to this page, please email bandbacktogether@gmail.com.

Male Sexual Assault Resources

by Band Back Together | Oct 4, 2018

What Is Male Sexual Abuse And Assault?

Male rape is not a form of sexual abuse or rape commonly discussed in the media, but does that mean that male rape is non-existent. Hardly. Approximately 1 in every 6 men has or will experience a rape or child sexual abuse in their lifetime. That’s no small number. Male sexual rape is under-reported and wildly misunderstood. Here’s the truth:

Sexual assault can happen to anyone, no matter your age, sexual orientation, or gender identity. Men and boys who have been sexually assaulted or abused may have many of the same feelings and reactions as other survivors of sexual assault, but they may also face some additional challenges because of social attitudes and stereotypes about men and masculinity.

It is a myth that men are not sexually assaulted, or that they are only sexually assaulted in prisons.

In fact, in between 9-10% of all rape survivors outside of criminal institutions are male according to the U.S. Department of Justice.  Estimates of male rape from the U.S. Centers for Disease control reported that 16% of men experienced sexual abuse by the age of 18.

It’s incredibly likely that these reports are underestimates due to the barriers male survivors face in the reporting process: the U.S. Department of Justice records an average of greater than 12,000 reported sexual assaults of men annually, and predicts that if unreported assaults are included, the actual number of men who are sexually assaulted in the United States each year is approximately 60,000.

While these numbers include only males over the age of 12, the Department of Justice records that a male’s age of greatest risk of sexual assault is age 4.  It is important to note, that unfortunately very few studies have been done to document the sexual abuse or sexual assault of men and boys.

It’s estimated that male survivors report sexual assault and abuse even less frequently than female survivors, and so it is difficult to make an accurate estimate of the number of men and boys who are being assaulted and abused.

Please note that researchers use “child sexual abuse” to describe experiences in which children are subjected to unwanted sexual contact involving force, threats, or a large age difference between the child and the other person (which involves a big power differential and exploitation).

How Do I Know If I Was Sexually Assaulted Or Abused?

From 1in6.org, for most guys, this is hard to figure out. For some men, it may not even be a helpful question to ask, at least not at first.

Why? Because of what a “yes” answer could mean, or appear to mean, for you and anyone else involved in those childhood or teenage experiences.

Labels like “abuse” can, in some situations, get in the way of understanding oneself and what’s going to be helpful going forward.

That’s why we suggest a (greater) focus on:

1. Whether an experience is having unwanted effects on you now.
2. How to understand those effects in the most helpful ways.
3. How to overcome those effects to achieve your goals in life

“Unwanted or abusive sexual experiences” is how we most broadly refer to past sexual experiences that can cause a variety of problems, long after they happened.

Our words are carefully chosen, because we strive to:

1. Respect every man’s experience and point of view.
2. When possible, avoid definitions or labels that could drive away a man sorting through his own unique experiences and options.

We also want to emphasize what “unwanted or abusive sexual experiences” does not mean…

By “unwanted” we do not mean that the experience had to be unwanted when it happened. For example, a boy may feel that he wants sexual contact with an adult (especially if the adult has manipulated him). Instead, when we say “unwanted,” we mean:

• Looking back, is that an experience you wanted to have happened, to be part of your life?
• Do you want to be having negative thoughts and feelings and behaviors that, looking back now, you suspect or believe are (at least partly) caused by that experience?

The “or” in “unwanted or abusive” does not imply that any unwanted sexual experience was also “abusive.” We don’t believe this is true. We’re just hoping that “unwanted” works well enough when it comes to describing past sexual experiences that may have contributed to problems you have now.

For some of you, that’s why you’re here right now. You’re trying to sort out, on your own terms:

• “What was that past sexual experience really about?”
• “What effects has that experience had on me?”
• “Is that a reason why I’m struggling with _________?”

The question, “What was that sexual experience really about?” may be the most basic, and may take a while to process and understand as it implies other questions, like:

• Was the other person in a position of power or authority over me?
• Was I manipulated into doing sexual things, or into believing I wanted to, even when I really didn’t?
• Did sexual activity change what had been a positive relationship into one that involved secrecy and shame?
• Was the other person using me and not really considering my experience or my needs?
• Did the other person take advantage of vulnerabilities I had at the time – feeling isolated and lonely, feeling excited and curious but ignorant about sex?

These questions speak to possible exploitation, betrayal, and disregard for your well-being – experiences that can cause a variety of problems, right away and moving forward.

If you were a child, these questions apply to experiences with other children or teenagers, not just adults. No matter how old the other person was, if dominance, manipulation, exploitation, betrayal or disregard for your well-being were involved, the experiences(s) may have contributed to problems in your life now.

This idea here is not to push anyone to condemn – or even to label the other person or people involved – who may also have been good to you, and who you may still like, even love. Such experiences may have involved attention, affection and physical sensations that, at the time, you found pleasurable and in some way wanted (e.g., in a confused way mixed up with shame).

The point of trying to sort things out, if you choose to do so, is to understand whether – and if so, why and how – the sexual experience(s) may have helped to cause some problems you have now (like problems with shame, anger, addiction, or depression).

Ultimately, maybe no definition or label can address the needs or concerns behind your question. It may be that what’s most helpful to you is sorting it out with someone who has the experience, knowledge, and attitude to help you find your own personal answers and meanings.

Unique Issues Faced By Male Sexual Assault Survivors:

Society wrongly denies that men get sexually assaulted. With the exception of a prison joke, most people don’t even think about male sexual assault. When most people think of rape or sexual assault, they think of women. There’s a stigma that “real men” can fight off any attacker or that men are immune to sexual assault – and the issue that most people think that men, due to the nature of erections, cannot be forced into sex. These stigmas allow for men to feel safe from sexual assault.

Until it happens to them.

It’s really no wonder that men don’t seek help or report sexual assault. The percentage of men who report sexual assault is less than 5% – because they feel shame, isolation, and like they’re somehow “less of a man,” if they admit to being sexually assaulted.

For guys, the idea of being a victim is hard to accept. I mean, guys grow up believing they can defend themselves against ANYTHING. Dudes are supposed to believe that they can fight – TO THE DEATH – something like an unwanted sexual advance. Those masculine feelings are deeply rooted for most men – which can lead to guilt, shame and inadequacy for male sexual assault survivors.

Lots of male sexual assault survivors question whether or not it WAS sexual assault. Maybe they wanted it! Maybe they deserved it! I mean, they did fail to defend themselves…right? Male sexual assault survivors often become disgusted with themselves for not fighting back. The feelings are normal of any rape survivor, but the thoughts are flawed. Men who’ve been assaulted were just doing the best they could to survive. There’s NO shame in that.

Thanks to the guilt and shame spiral, a lot of male survivors punish themselves for the assault by engaging in self-destructive behavior. Drug or alcohol use and abuse. Picking fights. Social isolation. This is why male sexual assault survivors are at a higher risk for depression, work problems, and drug or alcohol addiction.

Sexual insecurities are common following a sexual assault are common. It may be hard to have sex or have a relationship with someone because any sexual contact may trigger a flashback. So if you’ve been the victim of male sexual assault, please just go easy on yourself and take some time to recover.

When heterosexual men are assaulted, they may question their sexuality, as though the assault may have made him gay, especially if the perpetrator accused the victim of enjoying himself. Sexual assault, though, is about power, anger, and control – not about sexuality. A sexual assault cannot “make someone gay.”

Gay men who have been sexually assaulted may feel self-loathing and self-blame, as though their sexuality caused it. In fact, some sexual assaults ARE the result of gay-bashing, motivated by fear of homosexuals. Remember that NO ONE deserves to be sexually assaulted.

What To Do If You’ve Been Assaulted:

Men who have been sexually assaulted should first get to a safe place and then call a friend and/or the police for help. Victims should refrain from showering or otherwise destroying physical evidence that may help convict the offender.

Remember, victims are not to blame for the assault.

By raising awareness about the prevalence of male sexual assault, we have hope that more and more men will feel comfortable reaching out for the help they need and deserve after surviving sexual assault.

How Do Men React To Sexual Abuse and Rape?

Men have many of the same reactions to sexual assault that people of other gender identities do.  For all gender identity survivors: anger, anxiety, fear, confusion, self-blame, shame, depression, and even suicidal thoughts are all common reactions for someone who has experienced a sexual assault. Men, however, are more likely than women to initially respond with anger, or to try to minimize the importance or severity of the assault. Male survivors are also more likely to use or abuse alcohol or other drugs as a means to try and cope with the experience and the after-effects.

Men and boys who have been sexually assaulted may experience the same effects of sexual assault as other survivors, and they may face other challenges that are more unique to their experience.

Some men who have survived sexual assault as adults feel shame or self-doubt, believing that they should have been “strong enough” to fight off the perpetrator.

Men who were sexually abused as boys or teens may also respond differently than men who were sexually assaulted as adults. This list includes some of the common experiences shared by men and boys who have survived sexual assault. It is not a complete list, by any means, but it may help you to know that other people are having similar experiences:

• Mental health concerns include, anxiety, depression, PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), flashbacks, and eating disorders
• Being afraid of the worst case scenario always occurring
• Avoidance of people, sounds, smells, or places that trigger memories of the assault or abuse
• New concerns or questions about their actual sexual orientation
• Men commonly believe that being raped makes you “less of a man,” which is not true.
• Bursts of anger, feeling on edge all of the time, trouble sleeping, and being unable to relax
• Withdrawal from friendships and relationships, preferring to isolate themselves to avoid feelings
• Feeling shame or self-blame because you couldn’t stop the sexual assault or abuse – especially if you had an erection or ejaculated
• Feeling scared that disclosing the rape or abuse won’t be believed; other people may judge them for it.

Male physiological reactions during a sexual assault may also make it more difficult for a male survivor to recognize that he was sexually assaulted. Some men may have an erection or may ejaculate during a sexual assault, and may later feel confused that perhaps it means that they enjoyed the sexual assault, or that others will not believe that they were sexually assaulted.

However, erections and ejaculations are purely physiological responses, sometimes caused by intense fear or pain.

In fact, some sadistic rape perpetrators will deliberately manipulate their victim to orgasm, out of a desire to have complete control over their victims. Thus, the perpetrator can continue to manipulate the victim even after assault, with the hope of scaring the person from reporting the rape. A physical reaction of an erection or ejaculation during a sexual assault in no way indicates that the man enjoyed the experience or that he did something to cause it or permit it. Many men who experienced an erection or ejaculation during the assault may be confused and wonder what this means. These normal physiological responses do not in any way imply that you wanted, invited, or enjoyed the assault.

If something happened to you, know that it is not your fault and you are NOT alone.

Why Don’t Men Report Sexual Assault and Abuse?

Any victim – male, female, non-binary – has an internal struggle in deciding to report a rape. People are afraid of not being believed, of having their whole sexual life played out in front of the world, and often, people are afraid to show that someone overpowered them. Here are a number of reasons why men don’t report rape, sexual assault, or sexual abuse:

As men are socialized and expected to behave in our society; a male survivor of a sexual assault may feel as if he is not “a real man.”

As men in our society are expected to always be ready for sex and to be the aggressors in sexual relationships, it may be difficult for a man to tell others that he has been sexually assaulted, especially if the perpetrator was a woman. Additionally, either the you or those around him may feel that a “real man” should have been able to protect himself.

Unfortunately, our society expects men to be in control and the survivor, and other people may have difficulty accepting the idea that a man could be a victim to a rape or sexual assault. If your perpetrator is a woman, you may be mocked or feel ashamed that a woman overpowered you. It is common for both men and women to engage in “flight, fight or freeze mode” during a sexual assault, making him or her incapable of physically resisting the perpetrator.

Sexual assault is no sign of your physical weakness.

Homophobia leads men who have experienced a male-on-male rape to avoid disclosing the rape:

If the perpetrator is a man, some may may question their own sexuality, especially if he experienced an erection or ejaculation during the assault. If you identify as gay, bi, or queer, and in the process of coming out, you may question how others perceive your sexual orientation.

You may also fear that you’ll have to disclose his sexual orientation if you tell others about the assault.

Homophobia and gay stereotypes may affect a man’s decision to disclose. Stereotypes on the promiscuity of gay men will often lead to victim-blaming from his support system – either saying the encounter was consensual or that the incident occurred because of their assumed promiscuity. This is simply not true – sexual assault happens due to the perpetrator exerting power and control – and homophobia is a tool that a perpetrator can use and perpetuate in order to maintain this power.

Though most of the perpetrators of sexual assault against men are also men, between 96-98% of sexual assaults against all people are heterosexual men, thus conflating gay, bisexual, or queer men with sexual assault is false.

By denying that males can be sexually assaulted, male survivors feel that they are alone, crazy, or abnormal in some way

Due to the disproportionate number of women who experience sexual assault, it is often seen as a “women’s issue,” as stereotypes cause most people to be more comfortable with the image of a woman being deprived of her power in a sexual assault than a man. Men and people of all genders also experience this form of violence. Many hospitals are not familiar with or prepared to look for signs of male sexual assault, and even some police departments still do not collect statistics on its frequency. National organizations like 1 in 6 and Band Back Together provide important resources for male survivors to normalize their response to trauma, reduce isolation, and seek support.

They feel shame:

Shame involves thoughts and feelings about who you are. It involves feeling unworthy of respect or positive consideration by others, feeling like you deserve to be judged or criticized, and feeling embarrassed in front of others. Shame may arise from the following societal-driven myths.

• Males are not supposed to be dominated, let alone victims—especially sexually.
• Males are not supposed to have sexual contact with other males (if this was the case for you).
• Males are not supposed to experience vulnerable emotions, especially fear and sadness.
• And males especially aren’t supposed to feel ashamed. (This one can create a vicious cycle of ‘shame over feeling ashamed’ that can seem impossible to escape.)

For many, the shameful sense of not being a “real man” because of what happened is a huge burden in their lives. It affects what and how they think and feel about themselves. It leaves them fearing how others would see them if they knew what happened. (Sometimes they can’t shake the belief that others must know and, in turn, see them as “not a real man.”)

There may be deeper, and unrecognized, sources of shame.

This shame is felt to some extent by just about every man who had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences. Yet it can be overcome, and many, many men have managed to do so.

But for many men who experience extreme shame – shame so intense that it drives many of their thoughts and behaviors, including always trying to “prove themselves” – there are other, deeper, and older sources of shame.

They feel guilt:

Guilt has to do with thoughts and feelings about things you’ve done. It involves feeling regret, and usually feeling critical or judgmental toward yourself, for having done something wrong or bad – something that conflicts with your values and with your view of being a good person, and may include beating up on yourself, for recent actions or things you did a long time ago.

For men who had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences, there can be extreme guilt about ways they responded to sexual experiences and the people involved.

It’s common to feel guilty about:

• Not saying “no” or physically resisting.
• “Letting” another person take advantage of sexual ignorance and curiosity.
• Becoming sexually aroused or experiencing sexual pleasure, even when they didn’t want or like what was happening.
• Having engaged in sexual activity with other children, even if manipulated or forced by others.
• Not protecting a brother, sister, friend, or other child from someone doing the same things to them.

Thankfully, as with even the worst shame, it is entirely possible to overcome such deeply ingrained, “irrational,” and extreme guilt.

It can take time, and some people need considerable help, including professional help, along the way. But it can happen.

Many other men with histories of unwanted or abusive sexual experiences have learned to stop beating up on themselves for things that weren’t their fault. Many other men like you have learned how to make amends when they can and, when it’s an appropriate response, to truly forgive themselves

Does Sexual Assault Change Your Sexual Orientation?

Many men wonder, especially if they reached ejaculation, orgasm, or an erection, if that means that their sexual orientation has changed. This is untrue. Sexual assault is in no way related to the sexual orientation of the perpetrator or the survivor, and a person’s sexual orientation cannot be caused by sexual abuse or assault.

Some men and boys have questions about their sexuality after surviving an assault or abuse – and that’s understandable. This can be especially true if you experienced an erection or ejaculation during the assault. Physiological responses like an erection are involuntary, meaning you have no control over them.

If the sexual experiences involved another male (or males), they may have thoughts and confusion about whether they are gay.

It’s very common to ask yourself:

• Did it happen because I’m (really) gay?
• Am I gay because it happened?
• If anyone finds out, will they think I’m gay?
• Can I ever be a “real man” if I was sexual with another male?

Sometimes perpetrators, especially adults who sexually abuse boys, will use these physiological responses to maintain secrecy by using phrases such as, “You know you liked it.” If you have been sexually abused or assaulted, it is not your fault.

In no way does an erection invite unwanted sexual activity, and ejaculation in no way condones an assault.

Dispelling Myths of Male Sexual Assault and Abuse:

When it comes to rape and sexual assault, there are a great number of myths swirling around; a woman “asked for it” because she got drunk in a bar, a woman “deserved it” for walking home alone at night, “if she hadn’t worn those clothes,” she wouldn’t have been raped. In pure stark reality, in the light of day, you can see that these myths about female sexual assault are bullshit.

However, men have an even more challenging set of misconstrued myths that may lead them to keep their abuse or assault silent. Let’s explore:

Myth: Child Sexual Abuse Is More Harmful For Girls Than Boys

Studies consistently show that long-term effects of child sexual abuse can be very damaging for BOTH girls and boys. The CDC discovered that sexual abuse of boys is more likely to involve penetration (of some sort), which is associated with far greater psychological harm.

Most studies show that the long term effects of sexual abuse and assault can be quite damaging for both males and females. One large study, conducted by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control, found that the sexual abuse of boys was more likely to involve penetration of some kind, which is associated with greater psychological harm.

The harm caused by sexual abuse or assault mostly depends on things not determined by gender, including: the abuser’s identity, the duration of the abuse, whether the child told anyone at the time, and if so, whether the child was believed and helped.

Many boys suffer harm because adults who could believe them and help are reluctant, or refuse, to acknowledge what happened and the harm it caused. This increases the harm, especially the shame felt by boys and men, and leads many to believe they have to “tough it out” on their own. And that, of course, makes it harder to seek needed help in the midst of the abuse, or even years later when help is still needed.

Child Sexual Abuse Resources

by Band Back Together | Sep 26, 2018

What is Child Sexual Abuse?

Child sexual abuse is one of the most horrible things that can happen to a child.

Child sexual abuse is a form of child abuse that includes sexual activity with a minor. A child cannot consent to any form of sexual activity, period. When a perpetrator engages with a child this way, they are committing a crime that can have lasting effects on the victim for years. Child sexual abuse does not need to include physical contact between a perpetrator and a child.

Child sexual abuse refers to any sexual contact with a child or teen. It includes many different acts. Some of these are touching the vagina, penis, or anus of a child; having a child touch the abuser’s vagina, penis, or anus; putting an object, penis, or finger into the vagina or anus of a child; and showing a child pictures or movies of other people undressed or having sex.

Child sexual abuse, also called child molestation, is a form of child abuse in which an adult or older adolescent uses a child for sexual stimulation. Forms of child sexual abuse include engaging in sexual activities with a child (whether by asking or pressuring, or by other means), indecent exposure (of the genitals, female nipples, etc.), child grooming, or using a child to produce child pornography.

Child sexual abuse can occur in a variety of settings, including home, school, or work (in places where child labor is common). Child marriage is one of the main forms of child sexual abuse; UNICEF has stated that child marriage “represents perhaps the most prevalent form of sexual abuse and exploitation of girls.” The effects of child sexual abuse can include depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, propensity to further victimization in adulthood, and physical injury to the child, among other problems. Sexual abuse by a family member is a form of incest and can result in more serious and long-term psychological trauma, especially in the case of parental incest.

The global prevalence of child sexual abuse has been estimated at 19.7% for females and 7.9% for males. Most sexual abuse offenders are acquainted with their victims; approximately 30% are relatives of the child, most often brothers, fathers, uncles, or cousins; around 60% are other acquaintances, such as “friends” of the family, babysitters, or neighbors; strangers are the offenders in approximately 10% of child sexual abuse cases. Most child sexual abuse is committed by men; studies on female child molesters show that women commit 14% to 40% of offenses reported against boys and 6% of offenses reported against girls.

The word pedophile is commonly applied indiscriminately to anyone who sexually abuses a child, but child sexual offenders are not pedophiles unless they have a strong sexual interest in prepubescent children.[19][20] Under the law, child sexual abuse is often used as an umbrella term describing criminal and civil offenses in which an adult engages in sexual activity with a minor or exploits a minor for the purpose of sexual gratification. The American Psychological Association states that “children cannot consent to sexual activity with adults”, and condemns any such action by an adult: “An adult who engages in sexual activity with a child is performing a criminal and immoral act which never can be considered normal or socially acceptable behavior.”

There are also other forms of child sexual abuse. Sexual abuse can happen to boys or girls of any race, ethnicity, or economic background. Sexual abuse is not a child’s fault. The only person responsible for this kind of behavior is the abuser.

People who sexually abuse children usually know the victims before making sexual contact. Abusers can be anyone, even someone the victim used to look up to, like, or trust, such as a neighbor, babysitter, friend, or member of the family or household.

Most of the time, because abusers are often older, bigger, or more powerful than the victims, children are afraid of what will happen if they don’t cooperate with the abuse or if they tell someone. Sometimes abusers will threaten or hurt victims in other ways to make them do what they want.

The age of children protected by child sexual abuse laws is different from state to state. In most states, sexual contact between an adult (18 years or older) and someone under 16 years old is child sexual abuse and is against the law, even if the abuser believes the young person agreed to the sexual activity. Children and young teens are protected from any sexual contact by adults and older teens because, when there is such a difference in power, sexual contact is harmful.
Child sexual abuse may be perpetrated by a family member, friend, or stranger. Typical behaviors associated with child sexual abuse include:

• Sexually suggestive language
• Oral sex
• Prolonged kissing
• Vaginal intercourse
• Prolonged groping
• Anal intercourse
• Forcing a minor to watch pornography
• Sexual aggression
• Torture

What Is Incest?

Incest is defined as sexual contact between people so closely related that they may not legally marry, often immediate family or first tier family members such as aunts, uncles, cousins, or grandparents. In certain contexts the term has been expanded to include sexual contact with caregivers upon whom an individual depends for care (such as a step-parent, a babysitter, or a teacher).

Incest generally occurs as child sexual abuse by an older family member to a younger child or teenager.

Please see our incest page for more information regarding incest.

How Common Is Child Sexual Abuse?

Per Darkness to Light, it is highly likely that you know a child who has been or is being abused.

Most people think of adult rape as a crime of great proportion and significance and are unaware that children are victimized at a significantly higher rate than adults.

Nearly 70% of all reported sexual assaults (including assaults on adults) occur to children aged 17 and under.

Youths have higher rates of sexual assault victimization than do adults. In 2000, the rate for youths aged 12 to 17 was 2.3 times higher than for adults

The crimes of child sexual abuse are under-reported.

• Experts estimate that 1 in 10 children are sexually abused before their 18th birthday.
• 30% of children are abused by family members.
• Child sexual abuse is far more prevalent than most people realize. It is likely the most prevalent health problem children face with the most serious array of consequences
• About one in seven girls and one in 25 boys with be sexually abused before they turn 18.
• This year, there will be about 400,000* babies born in the U.S. that will become victims of child sexual abuse UNLESS WE DO SOMETHING TO STOP IT.
• As many as 60% are abused by people the family trusts.
• About 35% of victims are 11 years old or younger.
• Nearly 40% are abused by older or larger children.

Stranger danger is a MYTH.

Research shows that the greatest risk to children doesn’t come from strangers, but from friends and family. People who abuse children look and act just like everyone else. In fact, they often go out of their way to appear trustworthy, seeking out settings where they can gain easy access to children, such as sports leagues, faith centers, clubs, and schools.

93% of juvenile sexual assault victims know their attacker, and often it is someone in their family or circle of trust.

Who Sexually Abuses Children?

The word pedophile is commonly applied indiscriminately to anyone who sexually abuses a child, but child sexual offenders are not pedophiles unless they have a strong sexual interest in prepubescent children. Under the law, child sexual abuse is often used as an umbrella term describing criminal and civil offenses in which an adult engages in sexual activity with a minor or exploits a minor for the purpose of sexual gratification. The American Psychological Association states that “children cannot consent to sexual activity with adults,” and condemns any such action by an adult: “An adult who engages in sexual activity with a child is performing a criminal and immoral act which never can be considered normal or socially acceptable behavior.

Pedophilia is called pedophilic disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), and is defined as a paraphilia ((previously called sexual perversion and sexual deviation, a person with paraphilia experiences intense sexual arousal to atypical objects, situations, fantasies, behaviors, or individuals). Pedophilia includes intense and recurrent sexual urges towards and fantasies about prepubescent children that have either been acted upon or which cause the person with the attraction distress or interpersonal difficulty.

The International Classification of Diseases (ICD-11) defines pedophilia as a “sustained, focused, and intense pattern of sexual arousal—as manifested by persistent sexual thoughts, fantasies, urges, or behaviors—involving per-pubertal children.”

In popular usage, the word pedophilia is often applied to any sexual interest in children or the act of child sexual abuse. This use conflates the sexual attraction to prepubescent children with the act of child sexual abuse, and fails to distinguish between attraction to prepubescent and pubescent or post-pubescent minors. Researchers recommend that these imprecise uses be avoided, because although people who commit child sexual abuse are sometimes pedophiles, child sexual abuse offenders are not pedophiles unless they have a primary or exclusive sexual interest in prepubescent children, and some pedophiles do not molest children.

Pedophilia was first formally recognized and named in the late 19th century. A significant amount of research in the area has taken place since the 1980s.

Although mostly documented in men, there are also women who exhibit the disorder, and researchers assume available estimates under-represent the true number of female pedophiles. No cure for pedophilia has been developed, but there are therapies that can reduce the incidence of a person committing child sexual abuse. The exact causes of pedophilia have not been conclusively established. Some studies of pedophilia in child sex offenders have correlated it with various neurological abnormalities and psychological pathologies.

Those who molest children look and act just like everyone else.

There are people who have or will sexually abuse children in churches, schools, and sports leagues.

Abusers can be neighbors, friends, and family members. People who sexually abuse children can be found in families, schools, churches, recreation centers, youth sports leagues, and any other place children gather. Significantly, abusers can be and often are other children.

• About 90% of children who are victims of abuse know their abuser.
• Only 10% of sexually abused children are abused by a stranger.
• Approximately 30% of children who are sexually abused are abused by family members.
• The younger the victim, the more likely it is that the abuser is a family member. Of those molesting a child under six, 50% were family members. Family members also accounted for 23% of those abusing children ages 12 to 17.
• About 60% of children who are sexually abused are abused by the people the family trusts.
• Homosexual individuals are no more likely to sexually abuse than heterosexual individuals.

Most adolescent sex offenders are not sexual predators and will not go on to become adult offenders.

Most adolescent offenders do not meet the criteria for pedophilia and do not continue to exhibit sexually predatory behaviors.

Adolescent sex offenders are more responsive to treatment than adults. They do not appear to continue to re-offend into adulthood, especially when provided with appropriate treatment.

What Are Some Signs An Adult Is Sexually Abusing A Child?

Keeping children safe can be challenging since many perpetrators who sexually abuse children are in positions of trust. Keeping a child away from the perpetrator may mean major changes in your own life, even if you are outside of the child’s family. It isn’t always easy to identify child sexual abuse—and it can be even harder to step in if you suspect something isn’t right. If a child tells you that someone makes them uncomfortable, even if they can’t tell you anything specific, listen. Talk to someone who can help you figure out if this is something that must be reported, such as a staff member from your local sexual assault service provider. In the meantime, if you are the parent or have influence over the child’s schedule, avoid putting the child in a potentially unsafe situation.

Be wary and cautious of an adult who spend times with children and exhibits the following behaviors:

• Does not respect boundaries or listen when someone tells them “no”
• Engages in touching that a child or child’s parents/guardians have indicated is unwanted
• Tries to be a child’s friend rather than filling an adult role in the child’s life
• Doesn’t appear to have age-appropriate relationships
• Talks with children about their personal problems or relationships
• Spends time alone with children outside of their role in the child’s life or makes up excuses to be alone with the child
• Expresses unusual interest in child’s sexual development, such as commenting on sexual characteristics, or sexualizing normal behaviors
• Gives a child gifts without occasion or reason
• Spends a lot of time with your child or another child you know

What Are Some Signs and Symptoms of Child Sexual Abuse?

Child sexual abuse victims may exhibit a wide range of immediate reactions, both in magnitude and form. Resilient children may not suffer serious consequences, whereas other children with the same experience may be highly traumatized. Some victims do not display emotional problems of any other immediate symptom in response to the abuse.

It’s not always easy to spot sexual abuse as perpetrators often take steps to hide their actions. Some signs are easier to spot than others. For instance, some warning signs might be noticed by a caretaker or parent, and are often red flags that the child needs medical attention. Listen to your instincts. If you notice something that isn’t right or someone is making you uncomfortable—even if you can’t put your finger on why—it’s important to talk to the child.

Signs that a child is being sexually abused are often present, but they are often indistinguishable from other signs of childhood stress, distress or trauma. Direct physical signs of sexual abuse are not common, but may include:

• Bruising from mouth, rectum, or vagina
• Bleeding from mouth, rectum, or vagina
• Redness from mouth, rectum, vagina
• Bumps around the vagina, mouth, or anus
• Scabs around the mouth
• Blood on the sheets, underwear, and clothing

Urinary tract infections, sexually transmitted diseases, and abnormal vaginal or penile discharge are also warning signs.

Child sexual abuse victims often exhibit indirect physical signs, such as anxiety, chronic stomach pain, and headaches.

Behavioral signals are common among sexually abused children. Some of these are

• “Too perfect” behavior
• Withdrawal
• Fear
• Depression
• Unexplained anger and rebellion.
• Sexual behavior that is inappropriate for the child’s age
• Bed-wetting or soiling the bed, if the child has already outgrown these behaviors
• Not wanting to be left alone with certain people or being afraid to be away from primary caregivers, especially if this is a new behavior
• Tries to avoid removing clothing to change or bathe
• Use of alcohol or drugs at an early age can be a sign of trauma such as child sexual abuse.

Emotional signs:

• Excessive talk about or knowledge of sexual topics
• Resuming behaviors that they had grown out of, such as thumbsucking
• Nightmares or fear of being alone at night
• Excessive worry or fearfulness

Age-By-Age Symptoms of Child Sexual Abuse:

Children may respond to sexual abuse in manydifferent ways, which can vary depending on their age,gender, culture, personality, and family structure. In many cases, your child’s behavior will show you how he or she is feeling because children often express their feelings through their actions rather than through words. This can be true for children and adolescents of all ages. In addition, the way in which these feelings are expressed will probably be different depending on your child’s age.

The following section identifies some common behaviors that you might see in preschoolers, school age youth, and teenagers who have experienced sexual abuse.

Signs of Trauma in Preschoolers (ages 2-­‐5)

• They may become anxious and clingy, not wanting to separate from their parents at day care or at the baby­sitter’s house.
• They may seem to take a backward step in development: sucking their thumbs, wetting their beds, refusing t o go to sleep, or waking up at night even though they passed these stages long ago.
• They may become aggressive in their play with other children, with their parents, or with their own toys.
• They may also act out some aspect of their abuse in their play An example would be using toys to act out hiding from a “monster.”
• They may play the same game over and over again , like piling blocks and knocking them down, dropping toys behind furniture and retrieving them, or crashing the same two cars over and over again.
• They may express “magical” ideas about what happened to them, which will affect their behavior. For example, “bad things happen when I am too happy.”
• Although they say they are having fun in an activity they may look sad, angry, or intense in away that, to an adult does not look like they are having fun.
• They may engage in sexual behavior that is inappropriate for their age, such as trying to touch another child in his or her genital area. However, children who have not been sexually abused may behave in this way for other reasons as well.

Signs of Trauma in School Age Children (ages 5 to 13)

• They may experience “magical thinking. For example, the child may believe that someone died because he or she had bad thoughts about that person.
• Sexualized play and behavior is also seen in this age group.
• Thinking that they may have caused the abuse gives children a sense of power and control, while helplessness painfully reminds them that they are both young and dependent upon others.
• They may blame themselves completely for what happened to them during the abuse as a way to make up for feeling so helpless during the abuse.
• They may have frequent nightmares and difficulty falling and maintaining sleep
• Their lack of control over the abuse may give them the feeling that their future is uncertain, which can lead some kids to act in dangerous and reckless ways.
• There may be a major change in their scholastic performance. It’s common for children to have problems concentrating during school following this major trauma.
• On the other hand, they may become intensely focused upon school and schoolwork as a way of distracting themselves from their upsetting thoughts and feelings.
• They may test you on set rules about bedtime, chores, or homework; as well as becoming oppositional, defiant, testy, and/or withdrawn.
• They may have problems in their friendships.

Signs of Trauma in Teenagers (age 13 to 18)

• Teens often feel that no one could possibly understand what they’re going through. This feeling of isolation can easily change the teen’s relationships with friends and parents.
• Teens may believe that the abuse was their fault
• They may choose to involve themselves in risky behaviors, such as experimentation with drugs, sexual activity, or outright refusing to go to school. This is an attempt to handle the anxiety and avoid those feelings of helplessness.
• Teens may feel that their future is limited; that they are damaged forever by the abuse, so planning for the future is completely pointless.
• Teens may create a negative opinion of themselves as they weren’t able to avoid or control the abuse that happened to them.
• Teens may also have revenge fantasies about the people or individual responsible for their abuse, which can lead to feelings of guilt for having such feelings.
• A teen trying to avoid the triggers and reminders of their trauma may find that they prefer being alone rather than risking seeing people or places that trigger them.
• Self-injury and parasuicidal acts are quite common in teens. With the right treatments and support, these problems can be resolved and overcome.

What Are The Risk Factors for Childhood Sexual Abuse?

While no child is immune, there are child and family characteristics that significantly heighten or lower risk of sexual abuse.

The following risk factors gathered from Darkness To Light are based on reported and identified cases of abuse:

Family structure is the most important risk factor in child sexual abuse.

Children who live with two married biological parents are at a low risk for abuse. The risk increases when children live with step-parents or a single parent. Children living without either parent (foster children) are 10 times more likely to be sexually abused than children that live with both biological parents. Children who live with a single parent that has a live-in partner are at the highest risk; they are 20 times more likely to be victims of child sexual abuse than children living with both biological parents.

Gender is also a major factor in sexual abuse. Females are five times more likely to be abused than boys.

The age of the male being abused also plays a part. 8% of victims aged 12-17 are male. 26% of victims under the age of 12 are male.

Age is a significant factor in sexual abuse. While there is risk for children of all ages, children are most vulnerable to abuse between the ages of 7 and 13.

The median age for reported abuse is 9 years old.

However, of children who are sexually abused, more than 20% are abused before the age of 8.

Race and ethnicity are an important factor in identified sexual abuse:

• African American children have almost twice the risk of sexual abuse than white children.
• Children of Hispanic ethnicity have a slightly greater risk than non-Hispanic white children.

The risk for sexual abuse is tripled for children whose parent(s) are not in the labor force.

Children in low socioeconomic status households are three times as likely to be identified as a victim of child abuse.

Children who live in rural areas are almost two times more likely to be identified as victims of child sexual abuse.

Children who witness or are the victim of other crimes are significantly more likely to be sexually abused.

Family and acquaintance child sexual abuse perpetrators have reported that they look for specific characteristics in the children they choose to abuse.

• Perpetrators report that they look for passive, quiet, troubled, lonely children from single parent or broken homes.
• Perpetrators frequently seek out children who are particularly trusting and work proactively to establish a trusting relationship before abusing them.
• Not infrequently, this extends to establishing a trusting relationship with the victim’s family as well.

When Does Child Sexual Abuse Occur?

You may be surprised to know that one in seven children experience the sexual abuse from other adolescents occur between the hours of 3 and 7 PM, with 3-4PM the peak of occurrences.

Most adolescent offenders do not meet the criteria for pedophilia and do not continue to exhibit sexually predatory behaviors, as adolescent sex offenders are more responsive to treatment than adults. They do not appear to continue to re-offend into adulthood, especially when provided with appropriate treatment.

As many as 40% of children who are sexually abused are abused by older, or more powerful children.

The younger the child victim, the more likely it is that the perpetrator is a juvenile. Juveniles are the offenders in 43% of assaults on children under age six. Of these offenders, 14% are under age 12.

Juveniles who commit sex offenses against other children are more likely than adult sex offenders to offend in groups, to offend at schools, and to have more male victims and younger victims.

The number of youth coming to the attention of police for sex offenses increases sharply at age 12 and plateaus after age 14. Early adolescence is the peak age for youth offenses against younger children.A small number of juvenile offenders – one out of 8 – are younger than age 12. Females constitute 7% of juveniles who commit sex offenses.

Child sexual abuse often takes place under specific, often surprising circumstances. It’s helpful to know these circumstances because it allows for the development of strategies to avoid child sexual abuse.

81% of child sexual abuse incidents for all ages occur in one-perpetrator/one-child circumstances.Six to 11-year-old children are most likely (23%) to be abused in multiple-victim circumstances.

Most sexual abuse of children occurs in a residence, typically that of the victim or perpetrator – 84% for children under age 12 to 17, there is also a peak in assaults in the late hours of the evening.

Not everyone who sexually abuses children is a pedophile.

Child sexual abuse is perpetrated by a wide range of individuals with diverse motivations. It is impossible to identify specific characteristics that are common to all child molesters.
Situational offenders tend to offend at times of stress and begin offending later than pedophilic offenders. They also have fewer victims (often family), and have a general preference for adult partners.

Pedophilic offenders often start offending at an early age, and often have a large number of victims (frequently not family members).
70% of child sexual offenders have between one and 9 victims, while 20% have 10 to 40 victims.

What are The Long-Term Effects of Child Sexual Abuse?

Child Sexual Abuse is a root cause of many health and social problems we face in our communities.

Consequences to children and to our society begin immediately after the abuse begins

• 70-80% of sexual abuse survivors report excessive drug and alcohol use.
• One study showed that among male survivors, 50% have suicidal thoughts and more than 20% attempt suicide.
• Young girls who are sexually abused are more likely to develop eating disorders as adolescents.
• More than 60% of teen first pregnancies are preceded by experiences of molestation, rape or attempted rape.
• Both males and females who have been sexually abused are more likely to engage in prostitution.
• The CDC estimates that child abuse costs us billions annually.
• Sexually abused children who keep the abuse a secret or who “tell” and are not believed are at greater risk for psychological, emotional, social, and physical problems, often lasting into adulthood.

When a child is abused outside the family, the family can support the child, but when the abuser is in the family, the family cannot provide the same kind of support or security.

If, for whatever reason, the parent who is not abusing the child learns of the abuse and does not stop it or blames the child for the abuse, that can be very damaging for the child.

As the very people who are supposed to protect them are the ones causing the abuse, incest can damage a child’s ability to trust. Incest survivors may suffer difficulties with developing trusting relationships.

Child sexual abuse is a public health problem of enormous magnitude.

The Center for Disease Control (CDC) recently estimated the lifetime burden of a new substantiated case of nonfatal child maltreatment to be $210,012 per victim. This includes immediate costs, as well as loss of productivity and increased healthcare costs in adulthood. While this estimate is for all forms of child maltreatment, there is evidence that the consequences of child sexual abuse are equivalent or greater than the consequences of other forms of child maltreatment.

This estimate is comparable to that of many other high profile public health problems, indicating the impact and seriousness of the issue of child maltreatment.

For example, the lifetime costs of stroke per person were estimated at $159,846 (2010 dollars). The total lifetime costs associated with type 2 diabetes were estimated between $181,000 and $253,000 (2010 dollars) per case.

What are Long-Term Consequences of Childhood Sexual Abuse In Adolescents?

People choose to deal with the feelings associated with being abused in many different ways. However, sometimes people choose behaviors and coping mechanisms that are problematic. Child sexual abuse (CSA) has lasting consequences for victims. The real tragedy is that it robs children of their potential, setting into motion a chain of events and decisions that affect them throughout their lives.

These long-term consequences can include:

Emotional and mental health problems are often the first consequence and sign of child sexual abuse.

Children who are sexually abused are at significantly greater risk for later post traumatic stress and other anxiety symptoms, depression and suicide attempts. These psychological problems can lead to significant disruptions in normal development and often have a lasting impact, leading to dysfunction and dis tress well into adulthood.

Child sexual abuse has been linked to higher levels of risky behaviors.

Substance abuse problems beginning in childhood or adolescence are some of the most common consequences of child sexual abuse.

A number of studies have found that adolescents with a history of child sexual abuse demonstrate a three to four fold increase in rates of substance abuse/dependence. Drug abuse is more common than alcohol abuse for adolescent child sexual abuse victims.

Age of onset for non-experimental drug use was 14.4 years old for victims, compared to 15.1 years old for non-victimized youth.

Adolescents are 2 to 3 times more likely to have an alcohol use/dependence problem than non-sexually abused people.

Delinquency and crime, often stemming from substance abuse, are more prevalent in adolescents with a history of child sexual abuse. Adolescents who were sexually abused have a three to five fold risk of delinquency.

Behavioral problems, including physical aggression, non-compliance, and oppositionality occur frequently among sexually abused children and adolescents. These emotional and behavioral difficulties can lead to delinquency, poor school performance, and dropping out of school.

Adolescents that reported victimization (i.e., sexual abuse or physical abuse) were more likely to be arrested than their non-abused peers.

Sexually abused children were nearly twice as likely to run away from home.

Academic problems in childhood are a common symptom of sexual abuse.

Sexually abused children tended to perform lower on psychometric tests measuring cognitive ability, academic achievement, and memory assessments when compared to same-age non-sexually abused peers.

Studies indicate that sexual abuse exposure among children and adolescents is associated with high school absentee rates, more grade retention, increased need for special education services, and difficulty with school adaptation.

• 39% of 7 to 12-year old girls with a history of child sexual abuse experienced academic challenge
• 7 to 12 year-old girls with a history of childhood sexual abuse were 50% more likely to display a cognitive ability under the 25% percentile.
• 26% of 7-12 year old girls who have a history of sexual abuse reported that their grades dropped after the abuse, and 48% of them had lower-than-average grades.

Having a history of child sexual abuse greatly increases the chances the child will drop out of school.

The risk of teen pregnancy is much higher for girls with a history of child sexual abuse. This increased risk for pregnancy at a young age is likely due to over-sexualized behavior, another common consequence of child sexual abuse.

Girls who are sexually abused are 2.2 times as likely as non- abused peers to become teen mothers. 45% of pregnant teens report a history of child sexual abuse.

Males who are sexually abused are more likely than their non-abused peers to impregnate a teen. In fact, several studies indicate that the sexual abuse of boys is a stronger risk factor for teen pregnancy than the sexual abuse of girls.

Most sexual abuse incidents reported by pregnant teens occurred well before the incident that resulted in pregnancy. Only 11 to 13% of pregnant girls with a history of child sexual abuse reported that they had become pregnant as a direct result of this abuse.

Sexual behavior problems and over-sexualized behavior are a very common consequence of child sexual abuse.

Age-inappropriate behavior can be a very important and telling sign that abuse is occurring.

Children who have been sexually abused have more than three times as many sexual behavior problems as children who have not been sexually abused.Victims of child sexual abuse are more likely to be sexually promiscuous

What Are The Long-Term Consequences of Child Sexual Abuse in Adults?

Please also see adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse for more information.

Substance abuse problems are a common consequence for adult survivors of child sexual abuse.

Female adult survivors of child sexual abuse are nearly three times more likely to report substance use problems (40.5% versus 14% in general population)

Male adult child sexual abuse victims are 2.6 times more likely to report substance use problems (65% versus 25%) than the general population

Obesity and eating disorders are more common in women who have a history of child sexual abuse.

20 -24 year-old women who were sexually abused as children were four times more likely than their non-abused peers to be diagnosed with an eating disorder.

Middle-aged women who were sexually abused as children were twice as likely to be obese when compared with their non-abused peers.

Mental health problems are an incredibly common long-term consequence of child sexual abuse.

Adult women who were sexually abused as a child are more than twice as likely to suffer from depression as women who were not sexually abused.

Adults with a history of child sexual abuse are more than twice as likely to report a suicide attempt.

Females who are sexually abused are three times more likely to develop psychiatric disorders than females who are not sexually abused.

Among male survivors, more than 70% seek psychological treatment for issues such as substance abuse, suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide.

Child sexual abuse is also associated with physical health problems in adulthood.

It is theorized that this is a result of the substance abuse, mental health issues and other consequences that survivors of child sexual abuse face. Generally, adult victims of child sexual abuse have higher rates of health care utilization and report significantly more health complaints compared to adults without a child sexual abuse history.

This is true for both self-reported doctor’s visits and objective examination of medical records.

These health problems represent a burden both to the survivor and the healthcare system. Adult survivors of child sexual abuse are at greater risk of a wide range of conditions that are non-life threatening and are potentially psychosomatic in nature. These can include:

• Fibromyalgia,
• (PMDD) Severe Premenstrual Syndrome
• Chronic headaches
• Irritable Bowel Syndrome

In addition, adult survivors frequently experience reproductive and sexual health complaints, including excessive bleeding, amenorrhea, pain during intercourse, and/or menstrual irregularity.

Not only do survivors of child sexual abuse have more minor health conditions, they are at greater risk for more serious conditions as well. Adults with a history of child sexual abuse are 30% more likely than their non-abused peers to have a serious medical condition such as diabetes, cancer, heart problems, stroke, and/or hypertension.

Male sexual abuse survivors have twice the HIV-infection rate of non-abused males. In a study of HIV- infected 12 to 20 year olds, 41% reported a sexual abuse history.

Adult survivors of child sexual abuse are more likely to become involved in crime, both as a perpetrator and as a victim.

This is likely a product of a higher risk for substance abuse problems and associated lifestyle factors.

How Can I Help My Sexually Abused Child?

It is important to recognize that not all children are affected the same way by sexual trauma.

Children are resilient by nature and have the potential to heal and recover if offered help and support in a timely fashion. How you respond to your child can have a profound impact on how able they are to recover from abuse. By taking some key steps early on you can help strengthen your child’s trust, sense of safety and potential for healing. The lives of children who have been sexually abused will be changed, but as with other types of traumatic events, there are many wonderful examples of adults who have healed from childhood abuse and are living healthy and productive lives.

While children recognize unpleasant or frightening feelings they may not have a full concept of child sexual abuse until adulthood. Some children may be ready to talk about the abuse and deal with it soon after it happens. Others may need to move more slowly, gradually testing the safety of their relationships and addressing the issues as they unfold over time. Children do best with a combination of love from caregivers and support from a counselor with a specialization working with children who have experienced sexual trauma.

Are there any personal strengths that help protect your child from the negative effects of a trauma such as sexual abuse? Are there any resources in your child’s environment, such as a mentor or a community center,which adds to this protection?
Research on resiliency, or the ability to recover from change and challenges, looks at how individuals exposed to trauma, violence, and other events that place their physical and emotional well-­‐beingat risk are able to successfully cope with and overcome these challenges.

According to the literature, the healing process begins with creating a support system and opportunities to meet your child’s basic developmental needs.

Your child is able to give meaning to events and experiences within their lives. Creating meaning from an experience of abuse can help your child identify lessons learned, personal strengths developed, or relationships that were strengthened by the abuse. These basic needs are the foundation under which resiliency is formed. Children whose basic needs are met are more likely to develop the confidence and skills needed to cope with child sexual abuse. Additionallly, your child’s ability to develop healthy coping mechanisms frequently begins with an adult’s belief in the child and his or her resiliency.

As a parent, you have the power to help.

Expressing your love, comforting them, being sensitive to their feelings and vulnerabilities are important ways for you to support your child. Tell your child often how much you love them. In addition, here are some specific things you can do to help your child with the recovery process.

Tell your child that they are not to blame for the abuse.

Even though children are never, ever to blame, it’s not always easy to convince them of this, and they’ll probably need to hear it from you many times. This is because children often feel that they’re to blame for what has happened. They tend to feel responsible not only for the actual abuse, but for causing pain to people they love once the abuse has been uncovered. This is especially true when family members have separated as a result of the abuse. Shouldering guilt for the abuse and its consequences is an intolerable and unfair burden for children to bear.

Without intervention, children are more likely to suffer more serious, long-term emotional effects.

Help your child find relief from guilt.

When adults take responsibility for what has happened, this helps the children to find relief from guilt.  As a parent you can take an important step to help your child heal by reassuring them that they are not to blame for the abuse and it was the older person’s responsibility to stop it. You might emphasize that any changes that have resulted from the abuse are because of the abuser’s behaviors – and not because of what the child did or did not do. Because of the child-centered way that young children make sense of the world around them, they naturally place themselves as the “cause” of much of what they experience.

Because of this developmental tendency to take responsibility for things over which they have no control, (bad weather, parents fighting, financial woes), this message may have to be repeated over time and in different ways.

Make sure your child knows that you believe them.

The act of abuse was a profound betrayal of your child’s trust. More than ever, your child needs to know that you believe in them, and that they can trust you and count on you. By acknowledging the harm that was done to your child and by getting them help and taking steps to protect them, you will be helping your child re-establish a sense of trust and safety.

Help your child see that you’re someone they can talk to.

If your child has been abused, provide opportunities for conversation, but let your child be the one to bring up the subject. If they do, listen to them carefully, let them express their feelings, answer their questions as best you can and comfort them. Sometimes parents think that talking about the abuse will cause children more pain or “just make things worse”. But children need to know that there is a loving parent or adult with whom they can be honest, and who will acknowledge their pain and accept their feelings.

Let your child know you will do whatever you can to keep them safe

This is very tough if you’re not sure how fully you’ll be able to safeguard them. Without making false promises, make sure your child knows that you are committed and determined to take whatever steps you can to protect them. When a child sees caring adults acknowledging the abuse and taking steps to intervene, the child learns that they are worth protecting.

Support your child by getting them treatment

Observe your child to see if they are showing signs of emotional distress. If their feelings or behaviors are concerning to you or others, consider bringing them to a specialist who can offer the child a safe place to express themselves, and offer the you some guidance and support to help your child recover.

How Do I Report Child Sexual Abuse?

Child abuse is not just a family problem. It’s a social health issue. Child abuse is everyone’s business. We urge everyone to be a child’s advocate and report child abuse and neglect. If you see or hear something suspicious, say something. Speak up. Report it! You may save a child from further harm, or you may even save a child’s life.

Remember that disclosure can be a scary and difficult process for children, and many kids take weeks, months, or years to reveal what happened to them.

If a child discloses to you, stay calm, comforting, and reassuring.

You may ask them directly if anyone has touched their bodies in a way that made them scared or uncomfortable, or if anyone has forced them to do something that they did not want to do. Your child might be nervous about your response to their disclosure, and your reaction will play an important role in how they continue to cope with the abuse following their confession to you.

It is important that your child sees that you love and support them, regardless of what they say to you.

Okay, now what do I do?

The answer is simple. Anyone who witnesses abusive behavior towards a child or gets a direct disclosure can and should report it! Keep in mind, child abuse takes many forms including physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, neglect, exploitation, Shaken Baby Syndrome, bullying, and more.

If a child is in danger, call the police immediately. Get the report on paper.

RAINN has a database of child abuse and incest state-by-state laws and reporting databases.

You may also try Darkness to Light’s website.

If you suspect a child is being abused or neglected, or if you are a child who is being maltreated, contact your local child protective services office or law enforcement agency so professionals can assess the situation. Many States have a toll-free number to call to report suspected child abuse or neglect. To find out where to call, consult the Information Gateway publication, State Child Abuse and Neglect Reporting Numbers.

Anyone can report suspected child abuse or neglect. Reporting abuse or neglect can protect a child and get help for a family it may even save a child’s life. In some States, any person who suspects child abuse or neglect is required to report. To see how your State addresses this issue, read the Information Gateway publication, Mandatory Reporters of Child Abuse and Neglect.

Child Welfare Information Gateway is not a hotline for reporting suspected child abuse or neglect, and it is not equipped to accept reports of this nature. Information Gateway is not equipped to offer crisis counseling. As a service of the Children’s Bureau in the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Information Gateway does not have the authority to intervene or advise in personal situations.

Childhelp® is a national organization that provides crisis assistance and other counseling and referral services. The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline is staffed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with professional crisis counselors who have access to a database of 55,000 emergency, social service, and support resources. All calls are anonymous. Contact them at 1.800.4.A.CHILD (1.800.422.4453).

Child Sexual Abuse Hotlines:

The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline is staffed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with professional crisis counselors who have access to a database of 55,000 emergency, social service, and support resources. All calls are anonymous. Contact them at 1.800.4.A.CHILD (1.800.422.4453).

CACs coordinate all the professionals (legal and social services) involved in a case. If you’re unsure about whether to make an official report or just need support, contact a child advocacy center. They will help you evaluate your suspicions. To find one near you, contact National Children’s Alliance at www.nca-online.org or 1-800-239-9950.

Helplines have staff specifically trained operators to deal with questions about suspected child sexual abuse. Call Darkness to Light’s Helpline, 1-866-FOR-LIGHT to be routed to resources in your own community, or call the ChildHelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline, 1-800-4-A-CHILD

Child Sexual Abuse Resources:

RAINN has a database of child abuse and incest state-by-state laws and reporting databases.

1in6 – An organization that helps male child sexual abuse survivors.

Survivors of Incest (and sexual assault) Anonymous – Self-help group designed around the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Effects of Survivors of Incest long essay detailing the long-term effects and coping mechanisms adapted by victims of incest.

The book Secret Survivors: Uncovering Incest and its Aftereffects in Women contains extensive information pertaining to the effects of incest on an individual and a family unit.

The Courage To Heal is about surviving and healing after child sexual abuse.

Fred The Fox Shouts NO! – by Tatiana Kisil Matthews – Fred the Fox helps parents and caregivers introduce the concepts of “private parts” and safety with people we know. Through open communication with the people that love him most, Fred learns he has a strong voice inside and how to use it.

Page last audited 9/2018

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) Resources

by Band Back Together | Sep 5, 2018

On Losing a Child:

There is no greater loss than the loss of a child. It’s out of order; parents should die first. Yet, these tragic deaths happen more often than we’d like to believe and leave an indelible mark on the worlds of their loved ones.

Sudden death is a contradiction to everything we know to be true; losing a child to sudden death is a disruption in the natural law and order of life. It is a heartbreak like no other. Parental grief is different from other losses—it is intensified, exaggerated, and lengthened. Children are not supposed to die; parents expect to see their children grow and mature, and one day to bury their own parents.  Ultimately, parents expect to die and leave their children behind, as this is the natural course of life, our life cycle continuing as it should.

The loss of a child is the loss of innocence, the death of the most vulnerable and dependent. The death of a child signifies the loss of the future, of hopes and dreams, of new strength, and of perfection. Grieving parents say that their grief is a lifelong process, a long and painful process by which they try to take and keep some meaning from the loss and life without the child.

After a child’s death, parents must embark on a long, excruciating journey that’s scary and lonely and, unfortunately, a journey that never ends. The hope and desire that healing will come eventually is an intense and persistent hope for grieving parents. The child who died is considered a gift to the parents and family, and they are forced to give up that gift, “I didn’t LOSE my baby; she was TAKEN from me.” Yet, as parents, we also strive to let our child’s life, no matter how short, be seen as a gift to others. Parents of a child who died of SIDS seek to find ways to continue to love, honor, and value the lives of their children, and to make the child’s presence known and felt in the lives of family and friends, thereby not forgetting that the child existed.

Bereaved parents frequently live their lives more fully and generously due to this painful experience.

What Is Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS)?

Sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), also called “crib death” and “cot death,” is the unexplained death, usually during sleep, of a seemingly healthy baby less than a year old. SIDS is sometimes known as crib death because the infants often die in their cribs. Although the cause is unknown, it appears that SIDS might be associated with defects in the portion of an infant’s brain that controls breathing and arousal from sleep.