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Rape And Marriage

It happened in 2008.

I was an ocean away from home, an exchange student in a small Southern college town.

I felt lonely and isolated, met a guy who started doing nice things for me – driving me places (I didn’t have a car, and it was a driving town), inviting me to lunches, and other entertainment activities.

He was short, and out of shape. I was a tall, athletic blonde. I felt pity for him. We went jogging. I told him I would help him get in shape, so he could get a girlfriend.

We became friends, he joked around that one day he would marry me. I said, no way.

On Christmas break, I felt lonely, everybody else I knew was out of town, so I agreed to go on a road trip with him to an entertainment park. And then, to a remote state park to spend a night camping.

My instincts were against it, but alas, there I was, in the middle of nowhere, without any way of getting away, and drinking an excessive amount of vodka that he had brought from home.

We were sitting on a bench on the camping ground, talking about boyfriends and girlfriends. I told him there’s somebody I have a crush on, back home.

He said, I want you to be mine, but if you have somebody, and that can’t happen, then I still get something good – I get you as a friend. I felt so relieved when I heard those words! I thought, “Great; so he appreciates me as a friend, so he’s not going to make unwanted sexual advances, I’m safe.”

I remember stumbling to the tent, not being able to walk straight, laying down.

Next thing I remember is him on me, and in my body, going in and out, in and out. With a kind of a look of a happy surprise on his face.

My body just didn’t do anything. It didn’t protest. It didn’t scream. It was unreal.

God knows, I have hated and blamed myself for seven years for not fighting him. For giving up so easily. But back then, in that moment, I was SCARED. Scared to run away, scared to make a fuss, scared I wouldn’t be able to get back home without a car. Scared of having to confront him. Scared of being accused of leading him on, and being told that it’s all my fault.

I was already thinking, this is all my fault. What was I thinking, getting into a situation like this? I could hear my mom’s voice in my head, telling me, “What did you expect? Now, get over it, and move on.”

In the morning, feeling dirty, vulnerable, and pissed, I told him that I was angry that he took advantage of me while I was drunk. He shrugged his shoulders, and said something like, hey, it is what it is.

He drove me back home.

The thing I still don’t understand is why I accepted him as my temporary boyfriend after this. I continued dating him, like a child coming back to a parent who beats him. As if I was saying, you broke me, now you owe me – you have to heal me.

And he treated me nice. Complimented me all the time, and didn’t push me to have sex. It wasn’t about sex after all. Like he said, he wanted ME. All of me, for himself.

The worst part is, I found it flattering. I thought his desire to own me was love.

I thought my temporary status and leaving the country would provide a natural end to this relationship.

In my heart, I longed for that moment to come. Longed for being away from him, and close to my family and friends.

As you can expect from the title of this post, the story doesn’t end here.

I need to take baby steps to learn how to talk about this. Feeling nauseous from going back to this place and time in my memory.

But I know, step by step, I will tell my story, as if I’m vomiting out what has been poisoning me. I hope somebody benefits from this.

Taking Charge Of My Life

I don’t know where to start this, but I need to put it out there to start healing.

I’m now 42 years old and I’ve always needed mental health care; I hear voices and I see things that aren’t there. I was molested and raped as a child and again as a teenager. I couldn’t cope, so I began self-harming – just to feel something; anything, however this behavior was never allowed in my house.

When I was 16 and tried to kill myself, my parents took me to an ER out of town and then swept it under the rug. Never to be spoken about again.

In 2004, I took a job with my father as my boss.

See, I’ve also always been a high-functioning addict and I wanted so badly to NOT be the black sheep in my family; I wanted my parents to be proud of me. So I took this job. I worked so hard for many years. At work, people thought i was a “princess” because my father was our boss. Little did they know that I got all the shit jobs that could never be done late or missed. Even when my oldest child collapsed with leukemia, I was given a laptop and worked from her hospital room.

My husband and I use pain clinics, but if we run short, I’ll buy some to help get us through the month. Plus, I’ve always had bad panic attacks and I smoked weed to help out with those and help me sleep.

Last year, a woman wanted me fired and gone.

She broke into my Facebook and found a conversation, between my husband and I, that we’d had about a year before. She took pictures of this conversation, then showed them to my father. The conversation included information about me being bisexual and about buying weed and a pill.

I was fired, as was my husband. I was disowned by my entire family.

The same family that KNEW that I had mental illnesses, heard voices, saw things, and that I experienced black-outs during which I did and said things I’ll never remember. They didn’t offer me help – they set me out, cast me aside. After running my life, (they controlled what I wore, what vehicle I drove, what I did with the kids…etc.) they washed their hands of me and walked away.

My brother also works for our father – did I mention we were all cops? I was not a cop but I did time-keeping for the jail and registered sex offenders.

My brother had me pulled over 48 hours after I was fired and disowned, he had his people tear my truck apart searching for drugs and other illegal stuff. All they found was a single pain pill that belonged to my husband. I told them it wasn’t mine, my husband told them that it was his, yet they still wrote me a citation for possession.

So I went to court, for the first time ever – I had never been in trouble before. I’d never even gotten a speeding ticket. The lawyer took me aside and told me the only plea I’d be offered was 11 months 29 days for misdemeanor probation. I took it. Even though I’d brought the pill bottle to show them the pill was legal. I knew if I tried to take it to trial they would give me jail time. I was an example to be made.

It gets worse.

The press got wind that we’d been fired.

My parents had the woman who had hacked my Facebook handle the press.

It went national and none of it was true. They said we were on meth. That I’d been arrested.

It was single worst time in my life.

Our landlord evicted us.

We had another trailer lined up in the county next to ours because we couldn’t go ANYWHERE in our other county without being followed by local police.

At the last minute, our future trailer fell through. We put everything we owned in a storage facility and officially became homeless. We rented a long-term motel in the neighboring county. We were both drawing unemployment so we just hid in the motel, licking our wounds and trying to figure out what our new life was going to look like.

For the first time in my life, I went to the local mental health facility and made an appointment to see someone. The blackouts where getting so bad that I’d broken into my mother-in-law’s apartment and stole money – I have no memory of any of it. They diagnosed me with post-traumatic stress disorder, Type I bipolar disorder, insomnia, and schizophrenia. I was prescribed Vraylar (a new medication to treat bipolar disorder and schizophrenia). It has made such a difference in my life.

Then the next thing that struck us down, the unemployment dried up. No one said that it didn’t last all year. I worked there for 15 years my husband worked there for 21 years and we got a whole 6 months of unemployment.

So we go from living in a long-term motel, to living in our Honda. We had our pug and beagle with us and that was it. My husband’s mother decided to help us get a rent to own trailer, so we went to an estate auction (a little 85 year old lady had had a heart attack in her kitchen and died) looking for furniture and things like a fridge, stove, washer, dryer. We’d lost all of that when we lost our trailer.

When the time came, they started bidding on the actual house and no one made a bid.

Suddenly, my husband’s mom raised her hand and bid $30,000 on a $100,000 house. No one else bid. My husband and I sat rock still, holding hands so tightly that the color was seeping from our fingers. For 10 minutes, the auctioneer continued asking if anyone else had a bid. They didn’t want the house going for that low.

Finally the auctioneer said, “SOLD FOR $30,000!”

My husband and I grabbed each other and his mom and together we sat in our new back yard and cried and thanked God.

I managed to get a job at a gas station that’s within walking distance from our new house. I make just enough to pay our lights and water. I’m trying so so very hard to get us into the green, to get my husband’s guns out of pawn, and to get some money to help my grown kids out if they need it.

Truly, this has been the worst year I’ve ever known. I spend every evening wishing that I could speak to my parents, while knowing that they won’t answer me. I even tried sending an email last month saying that I was sorry for embarrassing them and that I loved them more than life, and got no answer.

But even though it’s been the worst year, it’s also been the best.

I got fired from a job that made me so unhappy, I couldn’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. Now, I work at a little gas station with no stress, just fun. I had forgotten that work could be fun.

I got disowned by my parents and completely slandered in the news. But, that meant that I’ve stepped out of my parents control. For the first time IN MY LIFE, I wear what I want to wear, go where I want to go, and say whatever I want to say. I went from homeless for the first time, to sleeping in the Honda, to owning my own home. No mortgage, no nothing!

It’s the light of my life! Now no one can evict us; we have our own home!

I went from never having any sort of mental health care, with blackouts so bad I turned the only mother-figure in my life against me due to something I can’t even recall, to feeling almost normal. I didn’t know that I NEEDED mental health care. It’s amazing that I do NOT hear voices, I don’t see things that aren’t there, and I’m neither severely over-emotional nor completely numb.

I guess the moral to my story is this: I’m learning and I hope that my story helps anyone else going through the worst things they’ve experienced. That if you are going through things that you can’t imagine making it through, if life has you by the balls and you can’t breathe without the weight on your chest, if you want to crawl under the bed until the sun rises. Just hold on. Hold on tight.

Things WILL get better. It may not work out the way you want – heck, just look at my living situation! – but it will work out in a way that you never could have guessed.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have problems. I’m still depressed, I miss my family so badly it hurts. I still don’t sleep (and when I do, I wake up screaming from nightmares that the last thing I said to my parents will be the last thing I’ll ever get to say to them.)

But for the most part, life is getting better, I’m enjoying my job and my house. My husband and I are doing well. I can’t wait for the next chapter to come. I know there will be more struggles and hardships but I’ve learned that things will work out, maybe not the way I wanted or thought it would. But, I’m going slow and finally, finally, I have hope.

For those of you out there in the bad place, go slow… hold on… and have hope.

Angry And Frustrated

For the last five years, I’ve been lying to everyone; my parents, my children, social services, but most of all, myself.

My “courtship” with my husband lasted just three months before we became engaged. A year and a month after we met, I married him. I blindly ignored the warnings from my parents, my loved ones, and my own eyes. I thought I could change him. He would be better after the wedding, when all the stress was gone.

How wrong was I?

Within months of our marriage, what I saw scared me, but I decided to stay, thinking, “I can still change him. I can make him better!” I was so arrogant!

We had just conceived our first child when he sprained my arm. I told myself that it was an accident and justified it to everyone else.

His sister assaulted me when I was pregnant. He put me down in front of his parents.  His mother assaulted me many times. They told me it was my fault. It was all my fault. Everything was always my fault.

What’s worse is that I genuinely believed them!

They threatened to take my baby away from me if I left. I was so scared of them, I stayed.

Now that WAS my fault! I should have left, but I didn’t!

He raped me the first time when our daughter was just five days old. I can still remember the searing agony that tore through my whole body as he did it! The tears and cuts burning with fire, my screams mingling with those of our daughter who was in the same room as us! That was my fault too apparently. After that, I had to have treatment for an erosion in the womb. That was also entirely my fault.

He was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Now he had something else to justify his treatment of me. He “needed” round the clock care, an excuse to stop me from working.

He moved me away from my parents to an isolated town and wouldn’t let me visit them. My parents still blame me for that, as if I had a choice!

After our second child was born, the abuse got worse and worse. I confided in my midwife about him raping me when our daughter was five days old. She and all the other midwives we saw made a point of reminding him that sex wasn’t allowed before my six week check. Normally a woman is signed off by the midwife within days of giving birth. They visited me for over a month to protect me. As soon as my six week check was over, the rape began again. This time almost every night and sometimes while I was asleep.

I haven’t slept for almost two years! I began to crave the oblivion of deep sleep, but I couldn’t because of the fear of what he would do to me while I slept. Twice he raped me anally because I had a period. If he wasn’t doing that, he would say things like, “I was hoping to have sex with you, but I can’t because you’re bleeding,” as if it were somehow my fault for being a woman.

That wasn’t the end of the emotional abuse. There was always shouting and yelling. The police were called. Social services were called twice. He isolated me more and more from our friends and would only let me go out with one of the children at a time.

He’d lock me in the house and “forget” to leave my key behind. Sometimes, he would move my keys, and when I wasn’t looking, would put them somewhere I’d already looked. I thought I was going mad!

When our son was five months old, we went on holiday with his family. While we were there, he dragged me out of the room by my legs in front of our daughter and threw me out into the rain with no shoes and no coat. When he finally let me in half an hour later, I had to sit in my wet clothes feeding our son, while his mother lectured me on how the whole thing was my fault.

A week later, I was rushed into hospital with chest pains. Everyone noticed the bruises and three people made separate calls to social services on my behalf. They sent two police officers out that night to check on the children and me. It was so humiliating! He would never let me speak to men because as far as he was concerned, I was cheating on him with every single man I spoke to.

While I was visiting my parents, he kissed another woman. I wish I’d left him then! But I listened to his sob story about how he was really going to change this time! He did change …for the worse.

In November 2012, his brother assaulted me. I had to go to hospital and was on crutches for six weeks because my sciatic nerve had gone into spasm. I lied in the hospital and said that I’d fallen in the kitchen. I was so scared that my children would be taken from me this time.Do you know how much sex hurts when you have sciatica? Especially when it’s rape.

In May 2013, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. The doctor believes there is a link between Fibromyalgia and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That was another excuse to isolate me further from everyone. I wasn’t allowed to do housework because I was “too ill.” I’d given up fighting him. I was so far into my shell, I couldn’t even care for our children.

He slowly crushed me to the point that I didn’t know any different.

We had a visit from our new health visitor. He told her that he was afraid of bathing our daughter because he was afraid of having sexual feelings for her. I was shocked and scared, but I didn’t know what to do! I should have left him there and then, but I couldn’t! I was paralyzed by five years of emotional, financial, and sexual abuse. He’d groomed me for this very eventuality so that I wouldn’t leave him!

The next day a social worker turned up with two police officers who seized all of our computer equipment. They told me that I needed to get the children out of the house. I replied that if they were going, I would be going too. They agreed.

My children have been protected by social services for three months now. I’ve ended the relationship and am seeking help for the abuse. Social services are being as helpful as they can be, but the health visitor thinks I should have left and should not have my children back. She thinks I’m a failure as a mother.

Maybe I am. I should have left. I should have sought help sooner. I have to live with that for the rest of my life. I obviously don’t deserve my children. Obviously love isn’t enough!

Fields of Purple Flowers

Her first memory became her second memory once they started coming back, a piece at a time.

The old first memory, in her words:

“My stepfather has brought me into the back part of the house that we used as a living room.  I am maybe four years old, maybe younger.  I am very happy, as the Monster is being nice to me.  I have a dress on, black patent-leather shoes with buckles and white ankle socks with ruffles. The couch is plaid – brown, yellow, green.  His hand is on my knee and he is rubbing my leg, smiling at me. I don’t remember him taking off my panties, but they are gone.  I am not concerned, I am just happy he is not hitting me, he is not yelling at me, he is smiling at me and I feel safe for the first time in a long time.  His hand is under my dress and he is rubbing me and I have this strange feeling in my belly.

Out of nowhere, the most tremendous blinding pain I have ever felt.  I try to scream, I try to move.  He has his hand over my mouth and is holding down.  The pain is unbearable.  He is smiling.  I can’t breathe.  The pain is excruciating.  Am I dying?  Is he finally killing me?  What is he doing?  Why is he hurting me like this?  As suddenly as it started, it is over.  He gets up and leaves the room and I curl up in a ball sobbing.  He returns with a washrag and rolls me over on my back spreading my legs again.  The rag is moist and cold, he wipes me.  I lay there terrified the pain will start again.  When I see the rag, it is covered in blood and still he is smiling.”

She ran away then, into the fields of purple flowers. She ran and ran, finally falling down into the tall grass.  The sun went down, it got dark, and though she was afraid of the dark, she was more afraid of him.  Later she hears voices calling her name.  Her mother, her aunt, her brother.  Her mother crying for her, she stands up and hollers “Mama!”  Her mother runs to her, crying, saying “My baby is OK!  My baby is OK!”

Back at the house, her mother asks her why she ran away. She tells her.

“She slapped me so hard across the face that I was knocked several feet backwards and fell to the floor.  She screamed at me, that I was a liar and sent me to my room. I sobbed, hurting from the pain in my bottom and the pain in my heart, knowing that I was going to die.  He was going to kill me.  There was no one to stop him.  So I did what all good Christian girls did:  I prayed to God that I would die in my sleep before morning.

That was the longest night of my life. Somewhere in the night I fell asleep.  When I woke up, the Monster was smiling down at me once more.  My heart was racing and I knew I was about to die and he just kept smiling.  He puts one hand on either side of my head holding me down by my long brown hair, and smiling the whole time, he said, ‘She didn’t believe you, she never will and if you ever try to tell again I will kill you.’  Then, like nothing ever happened, he walks to the door, opens it, and calmly says, ‘Breakfast is ready when you are.’”

She later remembered a time in the car, when she was much smaller.  Three, maybe, almost four.  Her mother was asleep in the back.  She was on his lap, “driving”, a policeman is yelling at her Daddy.  “Where are your shoes?  Why are your pants unzipped?  What is going on here?”  She had a little dress on.  He hadn’t hurt her yet.

How did her mother sleep through the policeman, through the yelling?  Or was she asleep at all?

Her words:

“After the first night when I was raped by my stepfather and ran away, two things happened.  Because I had run away, a lock was placed on the outside of my door.  Every night when I went to bed I was locked into my room.  From then on, when mother passed out at night from her ‘nerve pills’ and alcohol, Monster was guaranteed easy access to me.”

The abuse came from her mother as well.  She wasn’t “Vicki” anymore, she was “bitch, slut, liar, whore.”  Any infraction of any kind was met with blunt force, blows to the head, back, ribs, whatever was closest.  Her fingers were held over an open flame until the skin bubbled and blistered.

In a few years, it was not just Vicki who was being sexually tortured, it was her two brothers.  And then the brother and sister that her mother had with the Monster.

When did it end?

You want to know how long it went on?

Vicki was fourteen years old when her stepfather finally went to prison for his crimes.  A caring neighbor finally heard her, believed her, and confronted her mother.  Her mother had the option to help provide evidence against him or be charged as an accomplice.

Perhaps worst of all, her mother did not leave the Monster.  When the Monster got out of prison?  He left HER.

Vicki is my sister.

Vicki is my hero.

Vicki has spent most of her life overcoming the most horrific kind of abuse imaginable and despite it, despite every bit of it – the foster care, the beatings, the years of alcohol and drug abuse to blur and erase the memories – she has not only survived, she has overcome.  She has raised a son who is now in college.  She was married to the love of her life until she lost him to a sudden heart attack.  She is the strongest, most self sufficient woman I have ever had the privilege to meet in my life.

I thank God for many things, but most often I thank Him for two things:

That Vicki is my sister.  And that I?  Was relinquished by her mother at birth to adoption.

My sister thanks God that I was given up for adoption.  Which makes me weep.

My sister is a survivor.

Child Neglect Resources

What is Child Neglect?

Child neglect is a type of maltreatment in which the caregiver fails to provide needed, age-appropriate care, even though the caregiver is financially able, or would be if offered financial or other means, to do so. Neglect is often seen as an ongoing pattern of inadequate care that is easily observed by people who are in close contact with the child. Once children are in school, personnel often notice indicators of child neglect such as poor hygiene, poor weight gain, inadequate medical care, or frequent absences from school. Professionals have defined four types of neglect: physical, emotional, educational, and medical.

Child neglect is the most prevalent form of child abuse in the United States. In infants, toddlers, and preschool-aged children, neglect is often reported by doctors, nurses, day care personnel, neighbors, and relatives. School-aged children suffering from signs of neglect (poor hygiene, inadequate weight gain, infrequent medical care) are often reported by school personnel. More children suffer from neglect in the United States than from physical and sexual abuse combined. The US Department of Health and Human Services found that in 2007 there were 794,000 victims of child maltreatment in the US, of those victims 59% were victims of neglect. Some researchers have proposed 5 different types of neglect: physical neglect, emotional neglect, medical neglect, mental health neglect, and educational neglect. States may code any maltreatment type that does not fall into one of the main categories – physical abuse, neglect, medical neglect, sexual abuse, and psychological or emotional maltreatment—as “other.”

In spite of this, neglect has received significantly less attention than physical and sexual abuse by practitioners, researchers, and the media. One explanation may be that neglect is so difficult to identify. Neglect often is an act of omission. But neglecting children’s needs can be just as injurious as striking out at them.

How Is Child Abuse and Neglect Defined?

From Child Welfare.Gov, the federal legislation lays the groundwork for state laws on child abuse and neglect by identifying a minimum set of behaviors or actions that define child abuse and neglect. Most state and federal child protection laws refer primarily to cases of harm caused by parents or other caregivers; they do not often include acts of harm caused by other people, such as acquaintances or strangers. Some state laws include a child witnessing domestic violence as a form of abuse or neglect.

The Federal Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act (CAPTA) was amended and reauthorized by the CAPTA Reauthorization Act of 2010 defines child abuse and neglect as, at a bare minimum:

“Any recent act or failure to act on the part of a parent or caregiver which results in death, serious emotional or physical harm, sexual abuse or exploitation, or an act of failure to act presents an imminent risk of serious harm.”

What Are The Types of Child Neglect?

There are four recognized types of neglect that children suffer:

Physical Child Neglect – The majority of child neglect cases involve physical neglect, which is defined as a caregiver not providing a child with the basic necessities such as clothing, food, and shelter. Physical neglect may also involve child abandonment, improper supervision, rejection of a child (leading to expulsion from the home), improper safety measures, and failure to meet a child’s physical and emotional needs.

Failure or refusal to provide a child these basic necessities endangers a child’s physical health, well-being, psychological growth and development. This may cause problems such as failure to thrive, malnutrition, chronic illness, a lifetime of low self-esteem, and injuries from improper supervision

Emotional/Psychological Child Neglect includes engaging in chronic or extreme domestic abuse in front of the child, allowing the child to abuse drugs and alcohol, refusal (or failure) to provide needed psychological care, belittling the child and withholding affection. Severe neglect of infants through failing to meet needs of stimulation and/or nurturance can lead to failure to thrive and even death.

Emotional Child Neglect also includes:

  • Corrupting or exploiting the child by encouraging illegal, destructive or antisocial behavior.
  • Ignoring the child, consistently failing to provide stimulation, nurturance, encouragement, protection, or failure to acknowledge the child’s existence.
  • Rejecting the child, actively refusing the child’s needs.
  • Verbally assaulting the child through name calling, threatening, or consistent belittlement.
  • Isolating the child and preventing normal social contacts with other children and/or adults.
  • Terrorizing the child with threats of extreme punishment, or creating a climate of terror by playing off the child’s fears.

These parental/caregiver behaviors can lead to substance use and abuse, low-self worth, suicide, and destructive behaviors in the child. Emotional child neglect is often difficult to substantiate and is generally reported secondarily to other forms of child neglect

Educational Child Neglect involves the failure of a parent/caregiver to enroll a child of mandatory school age in school or provide appropriate home schooling or special education training. This allows the child to engage in chronic truancy. Educational child neglect leads to the failure of the child to develop basic life skills, consistent disruptive behavior, and dropping out of school. It can pose a major threat to the child’s emotional well-being, physical health, and normal psychological growth, especially when the child has special educational needs.

Medical Child Neglect is the failure to provide appropriate health care for a child when financially able to do so. This places a child at risk for being seriously disabled, disfigured, or dying. Even in non-emergencies, medical neglect may result in poor physical health and additional medical problems.

Medical child neglect may occur due to religious beliefs, fear or anxiety about a medical condition and its treatment, or financial issues, including lack of insurance coverage. Situations in which Child Protective Services will generally intervene via court order include:

  • Child with life-threatening chronic disease is not receiving medical treatment.
  • Acute medical emergency requires medical intervention.
  • Child has a chronic condition that may cause disfigurement or disability if left untreated.

Medical child neglect is highly correlated with poverty. There is a clear-cut distinction between a parent/caregiver’s inability to provide needed care based upon cultural norms, a lack of financial resources, and a reluctance to provide care.

Children and their families may be in need of services even if the parent isn’t intentionally neglectful. If poverty is an issue, services may be offered to help families provide for their children.

What Are Some Symptoms Of Child Neglect?

Despite the overwhelming amount of children suffering neglect at home, this particular type of child abuse can be tricky to spot. Here are some possible symptoms of child neglect:

The Child:

  • Shows changes in behavior and/or school performance
  • Lacks medical or dental care, immunizations, or glasses
  • Has learning issues (or difficulty concentrating) that can’t be attribute to a physical or psychological cause
  • Is always watchful, like he or she is waiting for something bad to happen
  • Is constantly dirty and has persistent body odor
  • Hasn’t received help for physical or medical problems brought to the parents’ attention.
  • Lacks adult supervision
  • States that no one is home to care for him or her
  • Lacks sufficient clothing for the seasons (such as a missing coat)
  • Frequently absent from school
  • Abuses drugs or alcohol
  • Begs and/or steals money or food

The Parent/Caregiver:

  • Acts indifferently to the child
  • Seems apathetic and/or depression
  • Abuses drugs or alcohol
  • Acts irrationally or bizarrely

Why Does Child Neglect Occur?

Most parents don’t hurt or neglect their children intentionally. Many were themselves abused or neglected. Very young or inexperienced parents might not know how to take care of their babies or what they can reasonably expect from children at different stages of development. Circumstances that place families under extraordinary stress—for instance, poverty, divorce, sickness, disability—sometimes take their toll in the maltreatment of children.

Researchers propose that factors of parenting stem from the parents’ own developmental history and psychological well-being, characteristics of the family and child, and coping strategies, and resources.

There are a myriad of reasons why child neglect may occur in a household.  In some cases, parents are ill-prepared for parenthood, which may be remedied by learning better parenting skills through parenting classes. Other situations that may lead to child neglect and abuse include:

  • Caregiver has a drug or alcohol addiction
  • Family stress due to economic struggles and/or divorce
  • Under- or untreated mental illness in the caregiver or children
  • Caregiver was neglected as a child
  • Domestic violence in the home
  • Disabilities in the caregiver or child
  • Family isolation, lack of family or social support
  • Community violence and crime

What Is The Impact of Child Neglect?

The long-term impact and consequences of neglect in children varies wildly from person to person and depend, in part, upon several things:

  • The child’s age and developmental status when the abuse or neglect occurred
  • The type of maltreatment (physical abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, etc.)
  • The frequency, duration, and severity of the maltreatment
  • The relationship between the child and the perpetrator
Researchers also have begun to explore why,given similar conditions, some children experience long-term consequences of abuse and neglect while others emerge relatively unscathed. The ability to cope, and even thrive, following a negative experience is often referred to as “resilience.” It is important to note that resilience is not an inherent trait in children but results from a mixture of both risk and protective factors that cause a child’s positive or negative reaction to adverse experiences. A number of protective factors—individually, within a family, or within a community—may contribute to an abused or neglected child’s resilience. These include positive attachment, self-esteem, intelligence, emotion regulation, humor, and independence.

Neglect can interrupt a child’s mental and physical development and lead to life-long psychological and physical problems.

Physical Health Consequences: Child abuse and neglect can have a multitude of long-term effects on physical health.

  • Abusive head trauma and permanent disabilities: an inflicted injury to the head and its contents caused by shaking and blunt impact, is the most common cause of traumatic death for infants. The injuries  may not be immediately noticeable and may include bleeding in the eye or brain and damage to the spinal cord and neck. Significant brain development takes place during infancy, and this important development is compromised in maltreated children. One in every four victims of shaken baby syndrome dies, and nearly all victims experience serious health consequences
  • Impaired brain development. Child abuse and neglect have been shown to cause important regions of the brain to fail to form or grow properly, resulting in impaired development. These alterations in brain maturation have long-term consequences for cognitive, language, and academic abilities and are connected with mental health disorder
  • Poor health and chronic illness: Several studies have shown a relationship between various forms of child maltreatment and poor health. Adults who experienced abuse or neglect during childhood are more likely to suffer from cardiovascular disease, lung and liver disease, hypertension, diabetes, asthma, and obesity.

Psychological Consequences: The immediate emotional effects of abuse and neglect—isolation, fear, and an inability to trust—can translate into lifelong psychological consequences, including low self-esteem, depression, and relationship difficulties. Researchers have identified links between child abuse and neglect and the following:

  • Difficulties during infancy. Of children entering foster care in 2010, 16 percent were younger than 1 year. When infants and young children enter out-of-home care due to abuse or neglect, the trauma of a primary caregiver change negatively affects their attachments to others. Nearly half of infants in foster care who have experienced maltreatment exhibit some form of cognitive delay, have lower IQ scores, language difficulties, and neonatal challenges compared to children who have not been abused or neglected.
  • Poor mental and emotional health. Experiencing childhood trauma and adversity, such as physical or sexual abuse, is a risk factor for borderline personality disorder, depression, anxiety, and other psychiatric disorders. One study found that roughly 54 percent of cases of depression and 58 percent of suicide attempts in women were connected to adverse childhood experiences Child maltreatment also negatively impacts the development of emotion regulation, which often persists into adolescence or adulthood.
  • Cognitive difficulties: Researchers found that children with substantiated reports of maltreatment were at risk for severe developmental and cognitive problems, including grade repetition. More than 10 percent of school-aged children and youth showed some risk of cognitive problems or low academic achievement, 43 percent had emotional or behavioral problems, and 13 percent had both.
  • Social difficulties: Children who experience neglect are more likely to develop antisocial traits as they grow up. Parental neglect is associated with borderline personality disorders, attachment issues or affectionate behaviors with unknown/little-known people, inappropriate modeling of adult behavior, and aggression.

Behavioral Consequences: Not all victims of child abuse and neglect will experience behavioral consequences. However, behavioral problems appear to be more likely among this group.More than half of youth reported for maltreatment are at risk for an emotional or behavioral problem Child abuse and neglect appear to make the following more likely:

  • Difficulties during adolescence: More than half of youth with reports of maltreatment are at risk of grade repetition, substance abuse, delinquency, truancy, or pregnancy. Other studies suggest that abused or neglected children are more likely to engage in sexual risk-taking as they reach adolescence, thereby increasing their chances of contracting a sexually transmitted disease. Victims of child sexual abuse also are at a higher risk for rape in adulthood, and the rate of risk increases according to the severity of the child sexual abuse experience(s)
  • Juvenile delinquency and adult criminality. Several studies have documented the correlation between child abuse and future juvenile delinquency. Children who have experienced abuse are nine times more likely to become involved in other criminal activities.
  • Alcohol and other drug abuse. Research consistently reflects an increased likelihood that children who have experienced abuse or neglect will smoke cigarettes, abuse alcohol, or take illicit drugs during their lifetime. In fact, male children who’ve had six or more adverse childhood experiences had an increased likelihood—of more than 4,000 percent—to use intravenous drugs later in life
  • Abusive behavior. Abusive parents often have experienced abuse during their own childhoods. Data from the Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health showed that girls who experienced childhood physical abuse were 1–7 percent more likely to become perpetrators of youth violence and 8–10 percent more likely to be perpetrators of interpersonal violence (IPV). Boys who experienced childhood sexual violence were 3–12 percent more likely to commit youth violence and 1–17 percent more likely to commit IPV.

Societal Consequences: While child abuse and neglect usually occur within the family, the impact does not end there. Society as a whole pays a price for child abuse and neglect, in terms of both direct and indirect costs.

  • Direct costs. The lifetime cost of child maltreatment and related fatalities in 1 year totals $124 billion, according to a study funded by the CDC. Child maltreatment is more costly on an annual basis than the two leading health concerns, stroke and type 2 diabetes. On the other hand, programs that prevent maltreatment have shown to be cost effective. The U.S. Triple P System Trial, funded by the CDC, has a benefit/cost ratio of $47 in benefits to society for every $1 in program costs.
  • Indirect costs. Indirect costs represent the long-term economic consequences to society because of child abuse and neglect. These include costs associated with increased use of our health-care system, juvenile and adult criminal activity, mental illness, substance abuse, and domestic violence. Prevent Child Abuse America estimates that child abuse and neglect prevention strategies can save taxpayers $104 billion each year. According to the Schuyler Center for Analysis and Advocacy (2011), every $1 spent on home visiting yields a $5.70 return on investment in New York, including reduced confirmed reports of abuse, reduced family enrollment in Temporary Assistance for Needy Families, decreased visits to emergency rooms, decreased arrest rates for mothers, and increased monthly earnings. One study found that all eight categories of adverse childhood experiences were associated with an increased likelihood of employment problems, financial problems, and absenteeism/ The authors assert that these long-term costs—to the workforce and to society—are preventable

What To Do If You Suspect Child Neglect:

If you see a case of suspected child neglect, report it first to the local child protective services. Reasonable suspicion based upon objective evidence and firsthand observations or statements from a parent or child is all that is needed to report.

Here is a State-by-State listing of child abuse reporting agencies and their telephone numbers.

Call Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-Child to get a referral to your local agency. Those professionals who work with children are required by law (mandated reporters) to report any reasonable suspicion of child abuse and child neglect.

Child Neglect Hotlines:

Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-Child

National Parent Helpline: 1-855-4A PARENT – 1-855-427-2736

What Will Happen If I Report Child Neglect?

Typically, an agent from Child Protective Services will be sent to the home to assess the environment in which the children live.  The agent may interview the parents, children, other family members, and neighbors to assess the gravity of the situation and gain an understanding of the contributing factors.

Child Protective Services will determine what actions the caregivers should take in order to provide the children with appropriate care.  Their goal is to protect the children while enabling families to provide appropriate care and stay in tact. In some cases custody may be suspended depending upon caregiver compliance and cooperation with action plans mandated to address the neglect.  It will then be determined if temporary foster care (with a family member or a caregiver in the foster care program) is needed to care for the children while the caregivers address the cited issues, or if the children should be removed from the home permanently if the caregiver does not comply.

Additional Resources for Child Abuse and Neglect:

State-by-State listing of child abuse reporting agencies, their websites and telephone numbers.

A list of child abuse and neglect programs listed by the US government.

Childhelp is a leading national non-profit organization dedicated to helping victims of child abuse and neglect. Childhelp’s approach focuses on prevention, intervention and treatment. The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline, 1-800-4-A-CHILD, operates 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and receives calls from throughout the United States, Canada, the U.S. Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico and Guam.

Leaving your child alone resources and laws by state.

National Parent Helpline – Being a parent is a critically important job, 24 hours a day. It’s not always easy. Call the National Parent Helpline to get emotional support from a trained Advocate and become empowered and a stronger parent.

The Child Welfare Information Gateway provides extensive information on child neglect, its impacts, and the laws in place to prevent it.

Page last audited 8/2018