I am the very last person to tell anyone when the right time for them to seek closure for any difficulty. I cannot speak for others when it comes to this process of healing one’s own self, because the truth is that no one else can say what someone else needs.
We think it would be as easy as saying a few magic words or thinking a few magic thoughts, and like magic, we would be okay again. Yet, every one of us here knows better than that. We all know that sometimes, there are things which hinder our healing.
Healing really is just another word for “closure.”
When we each think about the things that hurt us, for the most part, the majority of us simply want the pain to end. We know we cannot get rid of the memory. We spend so much time taking care of others, we forget that we have needs, too. When we forget that we have our own stuff to deal with, we take away our own good energy in exchange of someone else’s unbalanced energy, leaving us feeling depleted.
The one thing that we are seeking is not the lesson that is being taught, but rather, closure and an end to the pain. Yet it is through that very pain that we are able to heal and get closure. This is how Spirit works. The ache is like anything else that hurts us – to alert us that something is not right, that somehow we have been violated on some emotional level.
We have all been hurt from time to time. Other people can be jerks. The reason they behave in this manner is because it protects them from their own hurt. This behavior is not going to help with their healing.
The problem with bullies is they were not taught how to use empathy. Empathy, loosely defined, is our ability to walk a mile in another’s shoes. It is our ability to feel for someone else without our feeling sorry for them. Too often, we are told that we are feeling sorry for ourselves. Bullies feel it is disempowering to be able to relate to someone else. They have control over us if we are scared of them. I understand that fear because it became my own medicine, brought out of me in the form of the Medicine Dance, which for me is Hula.
I really don’t want anyone to think that by talking about Hula, I am trying to promote it as a way for everyone to heal. What I am saying is that there are means and measures by which you can gain your own closure.
Closure is a funny thing, really, because it demands the opposite of the thing that we seek, which is comfort from our pain. While it may well seem as though this is counter-productive, if we are wise to the reality that we don’t have to let others’ actions hurt our souls, we will be able to use the hurt they give to us as our own medicine. We will have the strength to move past the things that we have encountered in our lives. Closure requires our being able to accept that there are people on this planet who are not the nicest people.
Closure brings us wholeness. It calls on us to rely on ourselves rather than only on the shoulders of those closest to us. It takes some work, perhaps a whole lot of tears, maybe even a few bouts with rage, but it is all worth it. It is all worth it because true closure means we no longer have to live through that pain. Our pain becomes a lesson for the soul to evolve, and for us to become shiny examples of our own unique brilliance.
Once we can see our pain as our medicine, we become the most powerful being in our own awareness. When we understand that whatever we went through is not our fault, we become empowered.
I’ve been keeping this a secret for years. The only thing I know is how to keep it a secret. I was molested as a child by two people, different times and no one in my family knows. Not my mom. Not my dad. Not my brothers.
How do you open up about this to someone you love? How will they believe anything you say? How will they believe you after all the years that has passed? Why is it easier to let your best friends know, but not your family?
I don’t want to tell my family because who knows what will happen after. I’m scared. I’m scared they won’t believe me and call me a liar. I’m scared what they might do to them.
But I still want to tell them. I just don’t know how. If I tell them, it’ll set me free. A huge weight lifted from my shoulders. This is probably the one thing keeping me from moving on.
It hurts me to hurt my family, but it hurts me more to keep this from my family. I think about it too much when I shouldn’t, but I don’t know what to do. I’m clueless.
Last year, for Christmas, we went to the beach. South Padre Island, to be specific. I got to spend Christmas Day on the beach, and it was amazing.
We drove to the place where the road ends and got out and walked and walked and picked up seashells, then we rode to the other end of the island, where the land ended, and walked, and picked up seashells, and saw birds, and took a dolphin watch cruise, and in general, just opted out of the commercial side of Christmas.
Whenever I feel the world pressing in too closely around me, I just look at these pictures and remember when we went to the place where the road ends. I remember the Christmas that was about enjoying the world I live in, with the souls I love the most. I remember the awe I felt as I stood on the beach and watched the gulf crash into the shore, and I remember the tears I cried as I stared at the beauty my creator wrought. And the world recedes, and my heart knows a moment’s peace.
I am going to try to keep this as short and to the point as I can.
My husband and I are fighting right now because he thinks it is okay to spank my almost-3-year-old son bare bottom, and get in his face, and scream. My husband has Intermittent Explosive Disorder and does just that – explode. He also has PTSD from being in Iraq for two tours, but that is a whole other ball game.
In my state, it is considered child abuse to spank bare bottom and especially if it leaves any kind of mark. I told this to him, and he said, and I quote, “I don’t give a shit, they can’t tell me how to punish my child. If you want to press charges against me, go ahead. I don’t care.”
I don’t know what to do. I am sick of having to play mediator between my husband and son. My son doesn’t know any better, and the things he gets spanked for are absolutely ridiculous. I don’t want my son to fear his father. I fear him, and I am an adult. Imagine how my son feels.
I know spanking is a debate among everyone. Some people are for it, others against it. It is just the way my husband goes about it and feels about the subject that really gets me. He just doesn’t give a shit if my son is scared of him. Doesn’t give a shit if I am scared of him.
I am in the middle of a horrible storm and don’t feel like I can get out of it. Any words of encouragement or advice are greatly and immensely appreciated.
All the shattered hearts and broken promises that I thought I was angry about all seem so irrelevant now. I know that separating is probably the best thing for both of us, but it’s killing me. I no longer care about whether I pass or fail in school. I no longer care about graphic design. None of that matters without him.
How could I have been so blind? So stupid? I got so lost in the things that he had done to me that I forgot about the girl he brought to life. I may not be able to prevent the pain he causes me now and again, but I am in control of MY actions, and my actions have been deplorable.
This isn’t me. I don’t retaliate. I forgive, and I move on. When did I lose sight of that girl? His mistakes should have never been repeated no matter how much I wanted him to understand. He’s a man. He will never understand the emotions of a woman. I sure don’t understand the emotions of a man.
It’s probably too late for us. I simply hope someone else can learn from our mistakes. Forgiveness is a wonderful thing, and by forgiving your spouse you can make a stand. You can say that you will not allow the darkness to destroy what you both have built, even if you have to build the walls on your own.
The happiness in our eyes has been gone for quite a while. Once they told the world a story of a love that few would ever experience. Somewhere along the way, we forgot how lucky we were to have found each other. I wish I had been better at showing him how truly grateful I was to have him here. And while many might say that I should use these lessons for the next guy, I know, without a single doubt, that there will be no other for me. The attention that I was seeking from others never managed to replace what I was desperately in need of from him. And because of my foolishness, there will always be a break in his heart that won’t heal, and that I am responsible for. No matter how many times I assure him that I never followed through, he will always believe I did. Maybe that’s even worse. He will spend the rest of his life hoping that my words are true but never truly believing.
Dear God, what have I done? I ruined the only thing that was truly pure and beautiful in my life out of pure spite. My life has never had any light in it until he came along. The day I met him, everything sprang to life. The grass was greener; the sky was bluer. Exactly when did I lose sight of that? Was it the first time he slapped me? Was it the day he broke my tailbone? I seem to recall a spark up until the moment that I felt that a single promise from him had become necessary – that no matter how our fights ended, if something ever happened to me that he would not panic and kill our children as well. Anything that was left after that died the moment I pleaded for my own life.
I know this relationship isn’t healthy. I’m fully capable of taking a step back and screaming to the girl before me, “For God’s sake, run!” But I stand by a decision I made one night in our Blessing home: if I intended to love him, then I was going to love him to the end, whether it be tragic or happily ever after. It looks like tragedy is the theme of this play, but at least the heroes in question have lost only their souls and not their lives.
I have self harmed for four years, yet I can think of so many ways to help other people. My counselor and I decided that by sharing my ideas, it might help me by helping others. I will post these in separate posts for the sake of simplicity.
Self Help Idea One: The Shoe Box
The idea for this one is simple. You will build a barricade of things to block you from hurting yourself. The barricade will be strong, and probably hold up against you.
Step One: Find a shoe box. Find two small peices of cloth, big enough to cover the bottom of the box completely. They should not be see through.
Step Two: Gather everything you use to harm yourself. I mean every single razor, every single knife, lighter, needles, paper clips, anything.
Step Three: Put these items at the bottom of the box and cover it up with one of the pieces of cloth.
Step Four: Gather pictures of people that mean a lot to you, and would be hurt if you killed yourself, or knew that you self harm. When you have collected these items, put the second cloth over them.
Step Five: Collect and gather small items that mean a lot to you. Letters from somebody, a small key chain, a charm, jewelery, anything. Put these on top of the cloth.
Step Six: Put the lid of the shoe box on. Tape it shut. Get a pillow case, and put the shoe box in there. Tie it shut, and hide it somewhere. I keep mine under my bed.
Whenever you feel the need to self harm, you will physically have to go through walls to stop you, sit you down, and make you think of what you are going to do. Please remember, I am not a psychologist; only sharing an idea that worked for me. My next idea will be submitted when this one is posted.
