by Band Back Together | Nov 10, 2015 | Uncategorized |
I think I may have finally reached my breaking point.
I know deep down that I need help. I can’t carry this weight alone or it will crush me. I know what I should do. But, when I think about my options, I talk myself out of it. I tell myself to suck it up because I have to be strong. I tell myself I can’t get counseling. When? How would I make time for it? I have three kids and work a full time job. I have to take my daughter to dance class twice a week. My schedule just doesn’t allow it.
But, I need something…someone. For the past year I have held everything in. Tried to stay strong. I just don’t think I can do it anymore.
Last night I had an argument with my mother and grandmother because I feel like they blame me. They expect me to fix things that I just can’t fix. They tell me I am not fighting hard enough. But, I honestly don’t know what else I can do.
I was told I must not care about my kids to allow this to continue. But, I am not a judge. I don’t get to make the final decisions. Plus, we haven’t even gone to court yet. How can I do more?
I was told I don’t care because I don’t “look” upset. But, they don’t feel the pain I have inside. They don’t see me sitting up at night unable to sleep because of all of the thoughts and fears going through my head. I act strong. I don’t allow anyone to see the pain because honestly ,I don’t see what good it would do.
And now, I finally feel completely alone. The support I thought I had has slipped away, and now all I see is judgment and criticism. It hurts. But, just like everything else in my life, I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know that it can be fixed.
by Band Back Together | Nov 10, 2015 | Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Family, Miscarriage, Rape/Sexual Assault, Sexual Harassment |
My brother-in-law (I’ll call him Tom) has always been flirty with me, but not in a gross way – just normal guy stuff. I knew him before he knew my sister (who I’ll call Heather), I’m 37 and he’s about 5 years older, she is 2 years younger than me.
I own a multi-family home with Heather, I live in my apartment and she rents out her apartment because she and Tom and their son have a single family house about a half mile away.
I recently moved back to this house because I got out of a tumultuous relationship. I had also just had a miscarriage (with the ex’s baby, so nature made the right decision for me) literally about 4 days before moving.
I was happy to be home with my son. I felt safe. I felt calm. I felt like I could heal there.
One day about a week after I had moved, Tom texted me to tell me he was going to be at the house to cut the lawn and to clean out the basement a bit. When I got home with my son, Tom was there and had definitely been drinking. He’s not a big drinker so it was a little strange that it was a weekday afternoon when he started on the beers. But I attributed it to a rough day and he wanted to relax.
At the time, I was still smoking, and I was outside on the porch having one and he came up to me from behind and pushed himself against me. I could feel it. I moved away, laughing nervously and said “OMG stop!!!” Like I said, he had always flirted and he’s very sarcastic and jokes a lot. He came up to me again and talked into my ear about how bad he wanted me and just wanted me to let him touch my butt. I again said “no” and moved away, the ‘whispery’ type voice in my ear was creeping me out.
My son was inside the house playing in his room, so when I went in shortly after that, Tom came in to say hi to his nephew. I was in the kitchen when Tom grabbed my hand and pulled me into the bathroom. I said “What are you doing? Stop”. He closed the door behind us. He continued with that creepy voice, reached up under my dress, yanked my underwear down and put his hand on me, rubbing it around. I was in shock. I said “Stop it! No, this isn’t right, come on!”
At that moment I felt like I was outside of my body. My brain was going “Is this really happening”? and simultaneously thinking “I’m probably still bleeding from the miscarriage, is he going to hurt me?” The only thing I remember next is him pushing my head down towards the sink and saying “Come ON!”, he took my hand and made me touch him. I held it for a few seconds in fear but then let go. I was mortified. This is my SISTER’S husband. I said no, I said stop, I did NOT ask for this.
Because I had been in a physically abusive relationship before, I automatically start to panic when the tone of voice changes, and his “Come ON!” scared me. Would I have been able to physically push him away from me? Probably. Why didn’t I? I HAVE NO IDEA and it is killing me. I remember thinking “Oh my god, he’s going to rape me!” WHY didn’t I fight back? I’ve never physically hurt anyone nor have I ever had to fight anyone off me.
I also knew my 5 year old son was in the next room. I didn’t want to scare him. I heard him yell to me “Mama! Where are you?” I took advantage of this moment, knowing that Tom wouldn’t want my son to know he was in the bathroom with me – and that my son could easily open the bathroom door (it doesn’t lock). I said “I’m in the bathroom, just peeing – I’ll be out in a second!”
I was able to get Tom’s hand out from my underwear, but he held me against the sink until he finished on my back. I cleaned myself off and got out of the bathroom. Tom kept saying “obviously we can’t tell anyone about this” and it’s as if he thought the only “wrongdoing” was that he cheated on his wife with her sister.
He went into the basement and I locked my door.
I got texts a few days later asking how I was and he asked if I liked it. I wrote back telling him that I will NOT talk about this anymore. I told him I felt extremely violated and ashamed, and that I felt like he took advantage of my vulnerability from my breakup, and from the miscarriage.
He still didn’t seem to understand. He thinks “we” just had a little affair. I think he sexually assaulted me. I have not told my sister. I am struggling with this. I want her to know because I would want to know of my husband of 9 years did this. But I also don’t want to be the cause of her family breaking apart and uprooting EVERYTHING. I also believe that Tom will vehemently deny this, or at least deny it was forced.
I’m terrified of the effect this would have on Heather, her son, my entire family, and everyone that knows us. I’m terrified that Tom would be enraged with me. I’m terrified that people would blame me for not fighting back harder. I said no, stop, no, stop – over and over. I never once invited this. I froze in the moment and just let him do his thing as I closed my eyes to keep the tears from coming out. I didn’t push him away physically. Why? WHY didn’t I fight back????
I plan to see a therapist about this, just haven’t made the call yet. This happened in July. It’s the end of September. I struggle with guilt and “why didn’t I fight back?” every single day.
I struggle with whether or not to tell my sister.
This has caused me to avoid family gatherings. My parents do a lot with Heather and Tom. (Vacations, day trips, etc.) I don’t have as much in common so it’s not unusual that I’m not with them. But it’s going to be harder around the holidays. I have a hard time even looking Heather in the eyes, never mind being around Tom. The guilt is horrible. Why do I feel guilty when I did nothing wrong? Could I have physically fought him off? I don’t know. But I didn’t try – and that’s why I feel so guilty.
I don’t know how I’m going to move past this.
by Band Back Together | Nov 9, 2015 | Depression, Unemployment |
I am starting to hate my husband.
I dread being around him.
I think part of it is that he’s home pretty much all the time now. He lost his job and he can’t find another one, so he’s gone back to acting, which isn’t happening for him either. He always talks about all this stuff he’s going to do or needs to do, but it never happens.
He’s home, and yet nothing more is getting done. I think I’m actually writing less. You would think he would shoulder more of the child care, cleaning, shopping, bill paying or any of the 100 other things that need to be done now that he’s home all the time, but you’d be wrong. Some of the stuff for the kids he will do, but not if it’s too complicated (and juggling 3 busy kids is complicated). If it involves too much time on the playground he has no interest. He does cook, but only when he can go to the store and make a fancy meal – if we don’t have the money for $30 of ingredients or $60 to go out, then he’s really bitter.
I’m so sick of having someone who’s supposed to be my partner act like a fourth child – a fourth problem child. He would like a medal for not punching a wall lately. Never mind that he still yells so loud that the neighbors can hear him.
It’s always my fault. I use a bitchy and/or impatient tone, but I don’t know what else to do.
by Band Back Together | Nov 6, 2015 | A Letter I Can't Send, Adult Bullying, Blended Families, Cyberharassment, Divorce, Infidelity |
Dear Ex-Daughter-in-Law,
First of all, because you’ve been in our lives forever and you are the mother of our grandchildren, my husband and I will always love you.
But girl, you need to get a grip.
So, it didn’t work out with you and our son. I’m sorry. I wish you two could go on forever and live happily ever after. Unfortunately, that’s not how it worked. You’re hurt and angry and bitter and I get it. I’ve been in your shoes. Luckily, I was in your shoes before Facebook. I had plenty of people see me go through the process, but it wasn’t the whole freaking world.
That said, let me tell you how you’re coming across. It’s been over a year and you’re still posting things from Pinterest about how men need to treat women and how to let go of that one person that hurt you.
It’s time to stop worrying about what he did or didn’t do and accept that it’s over and move on.
But that’s not really what this letter is about.
That was my recommendation as one who has been there.
What this letter is really about is the rampage you’ve been on lately about your ex’s new lady. See, here’s the deal. You keep talking about karma and you can’t wait until the karma bus hits her.
Sweetie, you need to look both freaking ways before you cross the street because karma truly is “you get back what you give out.”
Yes, he cheated on you. But it wasn’t with this current girlfriend. It was with someone else. This one has done nothing to you except show you that your relationship with him wasn’t the dream you thought it was.
You went all psycho on Facebook about her taking pictures with your daughters and posting them. But here’s the thing: would you rather have him with a woman who loves and adores your daughters or someone who doesn’t care about them? You are doing everything to make her job with them miserable.
Let me tell you. Being a step-parent or the significant other to someone with kids is HARD. You’ve watched me struggle with it for a decade. When your partner’s ex is treating you like crap for it, it becomes almost impossible.
Here’s the thing with karma. I hope you don’t start dating a man with kids. Because the karma bus could hit you like a ton of bricks. The way you’re treating your ex’s new lady is the way you could be treated later.
You might want to think about that.
Oh, and you may want to look at your friends that have been encouraging your behavior.
by Band Back Together | Nov 5, 2015 | Abandonment, Addiction, Alcohol Addiction, Borderline Personality Disorder, Compulsive Shopping, Guilt, Shame, Substance Abuse |
I’m not a “real” addict, though. I’m just irresponsible, immature, and emotionally unstable and that’s why I spent my entire inheritance on makeup, perfume, clothing, nail polish, and food.
No, that’s not true.
I am a real addict.
Just like the alcoholic, the substance abuser, the gambler… I’m a shopper. I am a compulsive shopper. Shopping is my drug of choice.
And just like every other addict, my addiction causes me fear, guilt, and shame. It’s alienated me from friends, family, and even other addicts with whom I worked to get better. It didn’t fill up the hole inside of me like I thought it would.
As a diagnosed borderline personality disorder patient, who has parents who essentially abandoned me as a child (and yes, it really is possible to abandon someone and their needs and still live in the same house), I started accumulating things as soon as I had money of my own.
My father, who was – and still is – extremely successful and well-off, never taught me how to work with money and live companionably with it. Instead, it was something to be feared, revered, untouchable.
I can’t control my addiction, and although I know that this shopping addiction is there, I don’t know how to stop it.
My name is Sam, and I’m an addict.
