by Band Back Together | Jan 20, 2015 | Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Psychological Manipulation, Self-Esteem, Suicide |
I guess I am not your typical abuse survivor. I still hurt from the turmoil that I have gone through, but I will not ever allow it to control me or change how I feel about me. Healing myself was ugly, hard work, but I did it.
I thought a long time about no longer allowing myself to be angry with this person. I still have an emotional response to the memory, but I chose to learn from where I had been in life. I understood both sides of the coin. The first step was learning and accepting that I did not have to allow those things to make me feel like I was the worst person on the planet. It is not easy to let these things go, by the way. Healing the wounds of the Soul is very dirty, very ugly, very personal, and of course, very hard work.
Yet, it is work that is well worth the effort because it helps us to grow into who we are meant to be. It takes time, patience and lots of acceptance of ourselves with all of our flaws. It is not for the faint of heart. Judging from the things that I have learned, I find that the only thing that is missing for a whole lot of people on this planet is NOT the balls to do anything, but rather the permission.
It seems kind of weird to think that we would need to permit ourselves to feel one way or another. We have been taught to turn the other cheek and “take it like a man,” and when we did, we just ended up getting hurt.
I was not meant to be someone’s target, but that is how they win – by our being so damned down on ourselves that eventually, the control that they have wielded for so long finally makes us sick enough in the soul to end our own pain. If I did not choose to let my abuser’s own sickness of the soul further permeate my soul, I would have probably done something very bad to myself, and would not have even tried to start my own healing practice (which, that is what I am in this lifetime – a Medicine Woman. My first client was me). Had I not decided to stop the ongoing recording that was his voice, and then eventually my own voice agreeing with him, I would not be here to tell anyone that there is another way of looking at what you have gone through.
I am not saying that you have to literally make amends with whoever it was who hurt you, but you can make amends with you, over what they did to you. You can heal yourself through meditation, art, journaling, through a whole lot of different things. You can go on to be everything you want to be, in your own life.
The reality is that we have all been through a whole lot. The thing about verbal or emotional abuse is that, whatever is being said, is not the truth.
This is the beauty of the other side of things, the part that, when we are in the throes of all the things that we need to escape, is that WE are who create ourselves. We are lucky when we are afforded with the chance to recreate ourselves after we have been what seems as though an eternal wounding. It only stays that way if you let it stay that way. This is one of those things that we are not taught. The sting from it all is not forever. You can create a new thought about it.
Creating new thoughts about anything at all is how this consciousness was created. We were all and each created in the image that is that of Love, not division. What abusers like to do is divide us from all that we know, and then eventually, from all that we are. They do not want us to be who we are – they need to create something that they can call their own. We, on the other hand, have the chance to create beauty from the excrement left by the abuse. It is the other side of the coin, really.
Sure, we can choose to think about our abusers as the pinata at a birthday party, but that just creates within us a negative energy like them. It is our downfall that we feel the need to convince our abusers that we are not the bad person that they have told us we are. It is not up to us to convince anyone else about who we are. We only need to be able to see ourselves as lovable and worthwhile.
Think about it. The thing that makes us all want to cry are the things that are said that hurt us. Okay fine. BUT, the thing that makes us crazy is our trying to convince anyone else who we are. If it is not the truth, it is not the truth, and no one can change that. Truth is truth, no matter what, no matter what anyone else has to say about you.
You went through what you went through for no other reason than that you loved someone else. It is okay to accept that you have come a very long way. You are no longer required to believe what you were told. You alone have walked the fire, barefoot and without anyone there to teach you how to not get burned.
The grass is not greener anywhere else. No one tells us about the messes that they make. They only point out the messes that we have had a hand in helping to create. When we stop thinking that the grass might be greener, that we could have done something different, this is when you would do well to remind yourself that grass does not grow in cement, but only up through the cracks which reveal the truth of the ground beneath it.
There are a lot of ways to think about being abused. One day, the only thought in your head will be that you survived it, and that the rest of the world can kiss your sweet okole.
Aloha!
by Band Back Together | Dec 19, 2014 | Child Sexual Abuse, Shame, Uncategorized |
I’ve been keeping this a secret for years. The only thing I know is how to keep it a secret. I was molested as a child by two people, different times and no one in my family knows. Not my mom. Not my dad. Not my brothers.
How do you open up about this to someone you love? How will they believe anything you say? How will they believe you after all the years that has passed? Why is it easier to let your best friends know, but not your family?
I don’t want to tell my family because who knows what will happen after. I’m scared. I’m scared they won’t believe me and call me a liar. I’m scared what they might do to them.
But I still want to tell them. I just don’t know how. If I tell them, it’ll set me free. A huge weight lifted from my shoulders. This is probably the one thing keeping me from moving on.
It hurts me to hurt my family, but it hurts me more to keep this from my family. I think about it too much when I shouldn’t, but I don’t know what to do. I’m clueless.
by Band Back Together | Dec 18, 2014 | Anxiety, Bullying, Childhood Bullying, Coping With Bullying, Cyberbullying, Depression, Feelings, Happiness, How To Heal From Being Bullied, How To Help A Loved One Who Self-Injures, Self Injury, Teen Bullying, Teen Self Injury, Therapy |
I was in the third grade when I was given my first labels.
“Whale.” “Fat.”
I hear it now, as I did six years ago.
Still I hear it ringing through my ears, wondering if it is the truth.
Years later I think to myself, do they know how hurtful those words are? Do they know I still think of it? Do they know that every time I look in the mirror, those names, those labels comes to mind, along with many others.
If they do, if they did, would they still have chosen to say that, or would they go back and erase it?
I wonder.
Fast forward three years.
Just starting middle school, a new school, a new beginning, a new life. Right?
Wrong.
With a new school, comes a new bully, new names.
“Bitch.” “Slut.” “Ugly.” “Poodle head.”
The names go on.
And the first time in my life, I feel helpless.
I feel trapped.
Because now, not only were they attacking verbally, but now they attacked through social media.
Helplessly, I admit defeat, and call for help.
Therapy for one year.
It helps.
I stop going.
No more bullies …for now.
One year later.
Half-way through the terrible mix.
Not an adult, but not a kid.
You’re changing in different ways.
Discovering new things about yourself.
Life is great …until they come again.
A new army of bullies ready to take down their first victim.
“Idiot.” “Fat.” “No good.” “Dirty whore.” “Lame.” “Loser.”
Those were the nice ones.
One more year…
Once again, a new year, a new bully
This time it’s worse.
“Thunder Thighs” is the only thing I was called.
One name, twice the pain.
I pull out my razor, to help relieve the mental tension.
Trying to replace mental pain with physical pain.
It works …for a little while.
One year later.
I am now clean.
Going through therapy.
Recently diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety,
This puts a toll on my family.
I try and push through it, as I’ve done for years.
Apparently, I’m a great actress,
Fooling everyone around me that I am happy.
But now, I no longer have to pretend…
I am getting help.
Even though it hurts sometimes…
And those awful memories flood back.
I have self control…
I am seven months clean.
Still with urges, I manage to throw away my razor, and speak up.
With help from my family and friends, I am on the road to recovery.
Because after all, my disorder doesn’t define me.
by Band Back Together | Dec 5, 2014 | Abuse, Alcohol Addiction, Anger, Love, Mood Disorder, Psychological Manipulation, Trichotillomania, Violence |
I am in love with a person who is so possessive I feel as though I am being tortured.
Our relationship was physically abusive three years ago, but that has stopped. The mental and verbal torture is almost worse.
I can’t stop loving him. When he was sober, he was my best friend. I never dreamed so many dreams, accomplished so many things, laughed so much in those short years. Now he is a monster. His possessiveness knows no bounds. He threatens to kill himself when I say I’m leaving the relationship. I am afraid for the little dog he owns, whom I love.
I must release him to the world. To someone else. To himself. Only, he doesn’t want his life.
It reminds me of the old Ana NG lyrics, “I don’t want the world, I just want your half.”
If I stay late at work, he is mad. If I stay home at night with my cat, I apparently don’t love him anymore …the list goes on.
I cannot do this anymore.
I am finally getting back into enjoying my life. I see a future possibly for myself. I don’t feel broken every single day, like I have all my life.
I was raised in an abusive, violent, alcoholic-ridden family. I am not the greatest person. I am a failure and I don’t know how to have a normal relationship either. I am no good most of the time. I have a mood disorder and trichotillomania and am afraid of being alone forever.
I don’t want to lose my best friend, but it is killing me to be tortured every single day. I can’t be with this person. I want to, but cannot imagine living with him and being trapped in the same home with all the manipulation and possessiveness.
I’m not making much sense.
I just need to know how to release him to a better place then where we are now.
Thanks for listening.
by Band Back Together | Nov 26, 2014 | Abuse, Anger, Feelings |
It would be really great if all of us stopped telling other people that we hope Karma catches up with them. Do not get me wrong, I am not saying you have no right to feel how you feel. However, the road to healing is not an easy one. When we choose to breathe the words “I can’t wait until Karma catches up with you” is sort of like saying that you cannot wait to find out what it is like to be that person. I will explain.
Our Grand Universe is comprised of nothing more than Ethereal Energy. We are also made of this same energy. No matter what we want to believe, ultimately, we are who is in charge of our own lives.
Lanakila, one of my most favorite teachers of all things Spirit, told me that I had to think of my words, whether written, spoken, or even thought about, as carriers for energy. When we speak, we are not really aware that we are doing so with emotions and feelings which are energizing those words.
Think about the last time you had road rage. Your angry, raging energies affected the whole situation. The other person may have had no idea what was going on – all they knew was that they did something to piss off a total stranger. Whenever there is a dearth of emotions, there is a guarantee that SOMEONE in that emotional stew is going to have to bear the brunt-end of things.
Our memories have energy tied to them. You can take the memory of a time when someone really hurt you, and you can actually change the energetic vibration of that memory. Unless you are aware of what the reality of Karma is, you cannot turn the energy to flow in a different, friendlier direction. When we change our own energy, we change the energy of Karma.
It is not easy trying to think another way. I know this one personally. However, when we even try, the Universe responds quickly. When we change our way of thinking, it subconciously takes away the power of the creeps who have hurt us.
By simply just being neutral, or even happy, that is what stops your Karma from happening, almost immediately. It literally shuts down that ugly energy within us, meaning that the ugly Karma energy cannot reach the morons who did whatever they did.
My greatest experiences in healing from my own crap was when I chose to not wreck my own Karma further. I chose NOT to go through stuff that other people went through, just because I was hurt and I wanted them to hurt as badly. Believe me – no matter what anyone of us wants to believe, the creeps who hurt people are already creating a Karma debt that WILL BE paid, if not in this lifetime, then in the next. The reality is that no Karmic debt EVER goes unpaid, no matter what.
When I chose to no longer suffer in the energies that they so happily, vengefully sent my way is when my own Karma was cleared. When I chose to “cut the cords” and no longer attach myself to negative people, I stopped them from siphoning all of my good energy away from me. There is still is a lot of personal soul work on myself that I have to do, but I literally made it so that the ugly energies they’d sent to me went right back to them. That is the nature of energy. It seeks out and ultimately finds that which is like it, that which matches it, and that which it can grow from.
Karmic energy is circular, literally meaning, what comes around, goes around, be it good or not. When you are feeling spiteful about the people who were bad to you, try hard to stop yourself. The idiots who have hurt us should never be allowed to have any kind of control over us or our lives.
When we prove things, it is like we are opening up for our abusers to take control again, because the very need to prove them wrong is a measure of control. When we fight back and defend, even though it is good that we do, we give our abusers the control that they are looking for. This is what causes the back and forth of the fighting and the arguing that ultimately ends up with our being hurt. The reality is that people who hurt have a hard time hurting others. It is not in our nature.
Karma tells us that what we put others through, no matter what, we will also go through. When we tell people that we want them to suffer, we will suffer in the same magnitude that we wished on them. When we remain neutral and do not allow our feelings to become the thing that we focus on, we are keeping our own souls safe from harm.
So, now that you know what’s up with this whole Karmic groove thing …what are you going to do with this new information?
ALOHA!
by Band Back Together | Nov 25, 2014 | Abuse, Addiction, Pain And Pain Disorders |
Power. What is power?
The dictionary says power is the ability to do something or act in a particular way.
To me power means to overtake or have control.
Power is a tricky thing, it’s like a drug coursing through your veins making you feel alive.
Too much of it can hurt.
Eventually, you become addicted,
And can’t stop the cravings you feel to use it once more.
Once more.
Always once more.
You can never get enough.
You can feel yourself slipping away and power over taken your body,
As you utter two words that will show your power over another,
You don’t want to.
But at the same time,
You can’t stop yourself.
Two simple words can scar forever.
Two simple words can hurt the most.
And as I look in the mirror,
All I hear in my head are those two words.
Running through my brain,
Taunting me.
As I look away with tears in my eyes,
All I know is that those two words that may not so innocently have slipped from your mouth, Now have complete power over me.
I can never regain that control again.
They have taken away something that can’t be taken back.
They have shredded any part of me that had power.
They have completely and utterly taken away the most important thing,
The one thing that I will never get back,
The power over myself.
