by Band Back Together | Dec 11, 2010 | Infidelity, Jealousy, Stress, Trauma, Trust |
There is nothing worse than knowing that the man you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with has betrayed you.
I still have the wrath of a betrayed woman.
You see, I’ve been through more than one betrayal. I’ve experienced one too many affairs in my short marriage, but I have managed to rebuild that broken trust over and over again. I have forgotten the pain over and over until one day it’s all too late and everything finally shatters to pieces.
Now I can smile. I am thankful that after nearly 7 months of trying to find a job after leaving the corporate world, after moving halfway across the world to be with that man with whom I thought was going to grow old with, I can finally smile again.
But tucked inside me is that bitter feeling that still pops up once in awhile.
There are always those little things that kick me in the gut. Things hurt like seeing other mixed couples and the way I seethe with jealousy inside thinking, “Let’s see how long this guy will stay faithful to his wife,” to a simple song that used to be ‘ours’ or just going to the places we went as a family.
Memories have been shattered. Dreams that were never fulfilled. A son lost the family he know. Broken and bruised – that’s how I still feel underneath all my smiles and laughter.
The pain is so unbearable sometimes that even when I think that I’m used to it, it sneaks in on me and ambushes me when I least expect it.
When I look at those young girls clinging to their boyfriends, I wonder how many of these guys ditched their families the way mine did. It pains me to see how some women have no respect whatsoever for themselves or their children.
How could he walk out on my son and I? The two who have been there for him? Granted, I wasn’t eligible for Wife Of The Year, but I did try my hardest and bent over backwards to save what was left of the marriage. Yet when I think about how one-sided the ‘repair work’ was or how much he had mentally checked himself out, I was left with no more strength.
My heart breaks for my son who hasn’t seen his father in months. His father is too drunk from lust for this much-younger woman so he never even calls his son. In the past 8 months, he has only called his son once and that’s because I begged him to.
Being betrayed by my husband with a younger woman felt like a slap! It crushed my self-esteem.
If she was beautiful maybe that would be a different story, but she will always be ugly in my eyes, not only because of her looks but because of her behaviors. She knew he was married and still went after him. She’s milking him like there’s no tomorrow, from having him pay for her online school, to opening up an online travel business, down to paying to set up her business website. He did it all while he said he couldn’t spare any money to pay for my son’s preschool.
If she was smart, maybe that would be a different story but it felt like a yet another blow reading her poorly constructed, doesn’t-even-make-any-sense English. How on Earth are they communicating? Is he able to carry out the same kind of discussions he and I used to?
It wasn’t until one of my close friends told me that he’s not looking for someone beautiful or smart. He picked someone who is much less than me so he could feel superior. It feeds his ego. Is that true? I don’t know. All I know is she’s a much younger girl, almost young enough to be his daughter and she’s single. She’s also tiny and petite!
But knowing how he had repeatedly cheated on me and on his first wife (yes, I called the ex and we compared stories which were shockingly similar) then it’s only a matter of time before he gets the itch to cheat again. This time, I will not fall victim!
It may take years to really mend myself from within, but I’ll take that road rather than driving myself to the loony bin with all the lies and deceptions.
by Band Back Together | Dec 9, 2010 | Abuse, Coping With Domestic Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Helping Someone In An Abusive Relationship, Psychological Manipulation, Rape/Sexual Assault |
Duck is my husband. He is the rock in my life. He keeps me tethered to the earth when my mind might otherwise let me float away. But there are some negative things in our relationship. Some negative things in our lives. Things that are starting to break me down. Break his hold on me. I’m starting to get lost in my head again .
When I was a teenager, I was in a severely abusive relationship. He emotionally, physically, and sexually ripped me apart. He destroyed my physical well-being, my sense of self, and my sense of personal safety. He took away my strength. He took away everything I had.
I got out of there. It took years of leaving and returning, but I finally escaped when I was 18 after a near-death experience at his hands. I don’t talk about the years of my life that he stole. I try not to remember them. I try not to think about the fear he put into me. The fear that I thought would never go away.
My Duck, my wonderful wonderful Duck, made me feel safe again. My Duck is teaching me that I have value in the world.
But my life isn’t letting me feel that anymore. Duck’s mother lives with us. She’s going senile. And as she loses her grip on reality, she’s getting mean. Really mean. She uses a tone of voice when she talks to us that is the same as the Abuser used. She calls me names. Makes me feel insignificant.
How do I keep my fragile sense of self from breaking when I’m surrounded by the same sounds as broke me in the first place?
by Band Back Together | Dec 7, 2010 | Child Loss, Coping With Losing A Child, Grief, Help For Grief And Grieving, Loss, Sadness, Stress, Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood, Trauma |
Holidays have not been easy for me for a long time due to family issues between my wife and my parents. That was unpleasant but tolerable. Details of that are completely different story.
Bringing our first and only child into the world helped. I could now find joy in watching him open his gifts on Christmas morning, seeing the same joy in his eyes that I felt as a kid during the holiday season.
We had the same ritual for 4 years – stress over the holidays, money, buying gifts and so on. But it was all worth it to watch Kaden open his gifts and enjoy Christmas.
This year the holidays have gone back to “full suck mode.” You see, our beloved only child of almost 5 years old passed away in January 2010 of unknown causes. Doctors are unable to explain exactly why the life of our child was taken from us so suddenly.
I never thought anything could change your life more than bringing a child into the world. I now know that losing that child changes your life even more. Life continues on around you but somehow you are unable to keep up. The same problems, and struggles you had before are now magnified by the constant pain, sorrow and discomfort in your heart.
Going through our first holiday season without Kaden is really taking its toll on us as well as our entire family. Some people understand why we don’t want to leave the house to visit friends and family and gather for holidays just like we used to, but it seems that some are just flat out offended and hurt that you decide you are not emotionally capable of attending family holiday celebrations.
I hope that some day the pain will weaken enough to allow a somewhat normal lifestyle but for now, we are broken.
by Band Back Together | Dec 6, 2010 | Grief, Happiness, Help For Grief And Grieving, Livng Through A Miscarriage, Loss, Miscarriage, Pain And Pain Disorders, Sadness |
Grief is a very strange journey and process. Some days I find myself in the best mood – happy and cheerful and then without warning can be smacked in the face with sadness and tears. Sometimes it happens without warning and one thing I have learned through these 10 miscarriages is that is okay. It is normal and it is okay.
There are times where a certain trigger will bring out the grief and I have been spending some time identifying those and learning to be okay with the emotions that come up. Television has been a big trigger, so has Twitter and Facebook and mostly a specific time of year or date. Those last ones I can brace for {as much as anyone can} or avoid Twitter or Facebook for some time if I feel like I just don’t want to face it for the moment. My husband will brace me for television or movies that might have some sensitive material in it for me and will be there if it gets to me. Those I can all ‘deal’ with. They make sense and can be avoided.
One trigger I am having some trouble coming to terms with – or figuring out just how to deal with – are triggers that are from within my body – normal body functions.
Miscarriages are painful. PHYSICALLY PAINFUL. Cramping and bleeding can be intense and one of my biggest lingering triggers is normal menstrual cramping and bleeding. Kind of a double hit because women can be more emotional during their period and compound that with an emotional trigger response it can be very difficult. Very.
It can sort of throw me back. It triggers me to re-live those days where i was fighting emotional and physical anguish. It leaves me confused. Confused because I can’t avoid it. I am almost certain that the emotions that play into it make the cramps that much worse which is then a cycle that I just can’t seem to avoid.
It has slowed down a bit now because I am on birth control that stops monthly periods but the cramps still come and go and each time I can be caught off guard and will find myself back there.
It is hard. very hard. I am learning that it is okay to feel it. I am learning to sit in the grief because running away from it will not make it disappear. It will be okay.
{right?}
by Band Back Together | Dec 4, 2010 | Anger, Anxiety, Baby Loss, Coping With Baby Loss, Grief, Guilt, Help For Grief And Grieving, How To Cope With Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Livng Through A Miscarriage, Loss, Love, Miscarriage, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Sadness |
I have never spoken to anyone about this but my husband, my mother, and, of course, my doctors. This may be one of the hardest things I will ever write. It may not all make sense. I don’t remember it all. But yet I remember it like it was yesterday. I will never forget it. This is my PTSD talking. I am in a very bad place right now. And I know what happened to me isn’t as bad as some but to me it’s worse because she was mine.
Anyway, Oh God here goes…
You were due December 25th. I was so excited that both of your sisters were Christmas babies. I love Christmas. And I still do. Your due date was so amazing I couldn’t believe it – three children born on or around Christmas.
The beginning of my pregnancy didn’t seem out of the ordinary. Normal morning all day sickness for me. Around 6 weeks something felt off I called my Doctor who is AMAZING, and she got me right in for an ultrasound. There you were – perfect. And fine. Little heart beating to beat the band with a due date of Dec. 25th. I felt better. Things resumed. We got to our 12th week and we told everyone and even started buying things. Come on – you were my fourth baby. What could go wrong? How could I even think that?? Everything was fine .
Then it happened. July 27th I felt yucky and my back hurt SO bad. I should have called the doctor. You might be here today. I should have known. But I just thought I worked hard that day. It was hotter than hell. And it was just a back ache. I never ever had back labor. At 2:12 on July 28th, I woke up and thought, “shit, I wet the bed.” I hit my husband and said, “I wet the bed. Go get new sheets.” And then I went to turn the lights on. And it felt really off. It was sticky. I turned the light on and there was blood everywhere. I heard a sound like I had never heard before – it was my screams. I told my husband call the doctor and tell her we’re going to the hospital. Something was very very wrong.
My mom came running in and tried to calm me, but it didn’t help. I remember telling her keep the kids out. I didn’t want them to see the blood. And my back – OMG the pain. All the sudden I felt a pop between my legs and there was a “doll” between my legs – it didn’t seem real. I thought WTF is that about my own baby. I saw your little chest heaving up and down. You were breathing!!!!!!!
I screamed for my husband to stop calling the doctor. We had to leave NOW. She’s here. She’s ALIVE. She’s breathing.
You were 18 weeks and 5 days. You were perfect – tiny and waxy, but perfect. You breathed for 5 minutes. I held you in my hand as you took you first and last breaths. I will never forget them. I loved you so much in those 5 minutes. You were my daughter, Ariel Grace.
But the horror didn’t come until we got to the hospital. You WEREN’T a baby. You were nothing. You were – I choke on the words now. You were a miscarriage. But I saw you and I held you. You WERE breathing for 5 minutes. I have a cell video of it. But you were going to be discarded as if it was a miscarriage. I flipped out like my husband has never seen me flip out. I screamed and I wailed. I hit a doctor, I think. Not my doctor. She was AMAZING. She held me while I rocked the baby. She stroked my hair. She couldn’t change the policy.
You would never exist to the world. You would get no birth certificate and no death certificate. But to me and your father, siblings and grandparents you were EVERYTHING!
I made my uncle call his friend at a funeral home. He kind of laughed – not in a mean way but he told my uncle, “She’s not even as big as a cat. I can’t charge. I won’t. It’s a freebie.” I have her ashes. Although that was a HELL of a fight. But I think they knew I was a mad woman and I would not leave that hospital without MY baby.
I have her ashes hidden in my room. I left the hospital the next day with nothing. No baby, no belly, no nothing. I was empty and blank and a Zombie for a LONG time. Hell, I still am. I never mentioned it to anyone. Some people asked questions. I think I probably stared at them blankly. But I never answered. My husband or mother would later. I couldn’t talk about it. It’s over a year later and the pain is still unreal. I have nightmares of waking up to the blood every five minutes. I don’t know that they will ever go away. But what is the worst for me is I can’t talk about her to anyone but my husband, mother and therapists.
Am I forgetting her, am I not remembering her, am I cold? I just it hurts so bad. And no one that I personally know can understand that pain. No one I know in real life understands my anger and bitterness of her not being a baby because she was 18 weeks and 5 days and not a viable birth. Isn’t breathing for 5 minutes viable? Had we been at the hospital could we have made it farther my AMAZING doctor thinks that those 5 minutes were pretty darn special. And so do I for a baby with such under developed lungs.
Obviously now everyone knows she was never born and just went away. People have stopped asking questions. And I just can’t talk about it. I feel cold. And I miss her even more now. I don’t know that it will get better. She wasn’t a “real” living baby. But she was mine. I held her. I named her. I talked to her. And on her birthday I buy her a gift. I guess that really does make me crazy. Maybe I’ll stop someday. I don’t know. But I guess tonight on one of my darkest of nights, this needed to come out. Thank you for listening. No one else knows. And it hurt to talk about. A LOT so this was BRAVE. So thank you for reading.
