Personality is a particular set of behaviors, traits, emotions, and patterns that make up a person, his character, and their individuality. Personality includes how we see the world, our thoughts, attitudes, and feelings. Personality is strongly influenced by our values, attitudes, perception of ourselves, and predicts our reactions to people, the world, stress, and problems.
While there are many different definitions of personality, most focus on the pattern of behaviors and characteristics that can help predict and explain a person’s behavior.
Explanations for personality can focus on a variety of influences, ranging from genetic explanations for personality traits to the role of the environment and experience in shaping an individual’s personality.
Environmental factors that can play a role in the development and expression of personality include such things as parenting and culture. How children are raised can depend on the individual personalities and parenting styles of caregivers as well as the norms and expectations of different cultures.
What Is A Personality Disorder?
A person’s personality may be influenced by experiences, environment (surroundings, life situations) and inherited – genetic – characteristics. A person’s personality typically stays the same over time.
While personality disorders differ from mental disorders, like schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, they do, by definition, lead to significant impairment. Personality disorders are estimated to affect about 10 percent of people, although this figure ultimately depends on where clinicians draw the line between a “normal” personality and one that leads to significant impairment.
A personality disorder is a way of thinking, feeling, and behaving that is different from the expectations of the culture, causes distress, problems functioning, and lasts over time. Personality disorders are almost always associated with marked social and personal disruption and are both pervasive and inflexible. While these behaviors can produce poor coping skills, leading to personal issues including anger, anxiety, depression, and distress, they are considered appropriate by the person with the disorder.
What is Antisocial Personality Disorder?
Some people have no regard for others and can cause harm to them without any regret or feelings of guilt. When this behavior is pervasive, a person may have a chronic mental health condition known as antisocial personality disorder. Sometimes people with antisocial personality disorder are called “sociopaths” or “psychopaths” depending upon the spectrum of severity of their disorder.
Antisocial Personality Disorder, often called sociopathy or psychopathy due to both being seen as subsets of Antisocial Personality Disorder (though which applies depends on the symptoms), is a mental health disorder in which a person has a long-standing pattern of exploiting, manipulating, or violating the rights of others. Antisocial Personality Disorder often begins in childhood or the teen years and pervades into adulthood.
What is a sociopath? People with antisocial personality disorder are willing to use deception or manipulation to get whatever they want, such as power or money. They may con people, use an alias; they may steal or use aggressive behavior to achieve their desires. Even when caught, they show no regret or guilt because they do not feel any remorse or guilt. These people are devoid a sense of empathy and do not consider the feelings of others without help. They also tend to act impulsively, which can lead to arrests and substantial time in prison.
There is a common myth in popular culture that people with ASD tend to be successful, charismatic people who hold positions of power, and while it’s true that there are high functioning sociopaths, they are not the norm. While sociopath path traits can include persuasiveness or charm, most people with the disorder will struggle with irresponsibility. They’re less likely to take advantage of employment opportunities, less likely to pay bills on time, and are at high risk of incarceration due to impulsive behaviors. They’re also likely to have a shorter life expectancy due to impulsive behaviors like substance abuse and criminal activity.
ASPD is associated with co-occurring mental health and addictive disorders and medical comorbidity. Rates of natural and unnatural death (suicide, homicide, and accidents) are excessive. ASPD is a predictor of poor treatment response. ASPD begins early in life, usually by age 8 years. Diagnosed as conduct disorder in childhood, the diagnosis converts to ASPD at age 18 if antisocial behaviors have persisted. While chronic and lifelong for most people with ASPD, the disorder tends to improve with advancing age. Earlier onset is associated with a poorer prognosis. Other moderating factors include marriage, employment, early incarceration (or adjudication during childhood), and degree of socialization.
Antisocial personality disorder is defined by a pattern of socially irresponsible, exploitative, and guiltless behavior. Symptoms include failure to conform to law, failure to sustain consistent employment, manipulation of others for personal gain, deception of others, and failure to develop stable interpersonal relationships.2 Lifetime prevalence for ASPD is reported to range from 2% to 4% in men and from 0.5% to 1% in women. Prevalence peaks in people age 24 to 44 years and drops off in people 45 to 64 years. The male-to-female ratio is estimated at between 2:1 and 6:1, depending on assessment method and sample characteristics. The prevalence of ASPD varies with the setting but can reach 80% in correctional settings.
ASPD is associated with co-occurring mental health and addictive disorders, including major depressive disorder, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders, somatic symptom disorders, substance use disorders, gambling disorder, and sexual disorders.9,10 People with ASPD are at risk for traumatic injuries, accidents, suicide attempts, hepatitis C infections, and the human immunodeficiency virus. People with ASPD use a disproportionate share of medical and mental health services. ASPD has been identified as a predictor of poor treatment response in certain populations.
People with ASPD have high mortality rates owing to accidents, suicide, and homicide.One study showed elevated death rates from diabetes mellitus, suggesting that some people with ASPD may neglect their medical problems or fail to comply with medical regimens.People who have Antisocial Personality Disorder usually lack empathy (the ability to understand and appreciate the emotions of others), lean towards being cynical and callous, often scornful of the emotions, feelings, rights, and suffering of others. Those with Antisocial Personality Disorder may feel that they are above everyone else, that ordinary work is beneath them; they may have loudly-voiced opinions and come across as cocky or arrogant.
Even as they are contemptuous of the feelings of others, they may come across as charming, using expansive language to impress those around them, even as they exploit their personal and sexual relationships.
What Is The Difference Between Antisocial Personality Disorder, Sociopathy, And Psychopathy?
Psychopathy and sociopathy, although not mental health disorders formally recognized by the American Psychiatric Association, are more severe forms of antisocial personality disorder.
Specifically, in order for a medical professional to diagnose someone as a psychopath, a person must have a lack of remorse or guilt about their actions in addition to demonstrating antisocial behaviors. Other core symptoms of this condition include a severe lack of caring for others, a lack of emotion, overconfidence, selfishness, and a higher propensity for planned aggression compared to sociopaths or other people with antisocial personality disorder. They are more likely to be able to maintain steady employment and to seem to have normal relationships compared to sociopaths. Mental health providers believe psychopaths are born lacking the ability to feel guilt rather than being associated with a history of trauma (like abuse, neglect, or exposure to community violence).
While statistics indicate that 50%-80% of incarcerated individuals have antisocial personality disorder, only 15% of those convicted criminals have been shown to have the more severe antisocial personality disorder type of psychopathy.
Psychopaths tend to be highly suspicious or paranoid, even compared to people with antisocial personality disorder. The implications of this suspicious stance can be dire, in that paranoid thoughts (ideations) tend to lead the psychopathic person to interpret all aggressive behaviors toward them, even those that are justified, as being arbitrary and unfair. A televised case study of a psychopath provided a vivid illustration of the resulting psychopathic anger. Specifically, the criminal featured in the story apparently abducted a girl and sexually abused her over the course of a number of days in an attempt to prove to investigating authorities that his stepdaughter’s allegations that he sexually abused her were false.
Although people often use the terms psychopathy and sociopathy interchangeably, researchers describe sociopaths as having a higher tendency toward impulsive behaviors and angry outbursts and if they form any connection to other people it is usually with other sociopaths. They are also less likely to be able to maintain steady employment or to give the appearance of having normal relationships compared to psychopaths.
How Does Antisocial Personality Manifest In Early Life?
Antisocial behaviors typically have their onset before age 8 years. Nearly 80% of people with ASPD developed their first symptom by age 11 years. Boys develop symptoms earlier than girls, who may not develop symptoms until puberty. Robins has observed that a child who makes it to age 15 without exhibiting antisocial behaviors (that is, conduct disorder (CD)) will not develop ASPD. Other investigators have also reported that the presence of conduct disorders in childhood is a robust predictor of ASPD in adulthood
The DSM-5 definition of ASPD requires a history of childhood CD, the diagnosis used for persistent and serious childhood behavior problems. Once the child passes age 18 years, if the behavioral problems have persisted the diagnosis changes to ASPD. An estimated 25% of girls and 40% of boys with CD will later meet criteria for ASPD. A subset of antisocial adults have no history of childhood CD, but appear to meet adult criteria for ASPD; these people tend to have milder syndromes.
It should be noted that the making of a diagnosis of a conduct disorder only means that at the time, the child concerned has been behaving in a way that meets the specified criteria. It is purely a phenomenological description and carries no implications about the cause in any particular case. The child may spontaneously change over time and no longer meet criteria for a diagnosis. In some kids, the origins might be entirely outside the child, with the child reacting as any child might to a coercive, traumatic, or abusive upbringing. In others, it could be that the child had had a completely benign upbringing but was born with callous-unemotional traits that were displayed in all social encounters. The following are general characteristics of a child who has conduct disorder:
Younger children aged 3 to 7 years usually present with general defiance of adults’ wishes, disobedience of instructions, angry outbursts with temper tantrums, physical aggression to other people (especially siblings and peers), destruction of property, arguing, blaming others for things that have gone wrong, and a tendency to annoy and provoke others.
In middle childhood, from 8 to 11 years, the above features are often present, but as the child grows older and stronger, and spends more time outside the home, other behaviors are seen. They include: swearing, lying about what they have been doing, stealing others’ belongings outside the home, persistent breaking of rules, physical fights, bullying other children, being cruel to animals and setting fires.
In adolescence, from 12 to 17 years, more antisocial behaviors are often seen: being cruel to and hurting other people, assault, robbery using force, vandalism, breaking and entering houses, stealing from cars, driving and taking away cars without permission, running away from home, truanting from school, and abusing alcohol and drugs.
It must be noted that not all children who exhibit the types of behaviors listed in early childhood progress on to the later, more severe forms, such as antisocial personality disorder. In fact, only about half continue from those in early childhood to those in middle childhood; likewise, only about a further half of those with the behaviors in middle childhood progress to show the behaviors listed for adolescence.
However, the early onset group are important as they are far more likely to display the most severe symptoms in adolescence, and to persist in their antisocial tendencies into adulthood. The most antisocial 5% of children aged 7 years are 500 to 1000% more likely to display indices of serious life failure at 25 years, for example drug dependency, criminality, unwanted teenage pregnancy, leaving school with no qualifications, unemployment, and so on.
Longitudinal studies show that most children and young people with conduct disorders had prior oppositional defiant disorder and most (if not all) adults with antisocial personality disorder had prior conduct disorders.
Similarly, approximately 90% of severe, recurrent adolescent offenders showed marked antisocial behavior in early childhood. By contrast, there is a large group who only start to be antisocial in adolescence, but whose behaviors are less extreme and who tend to become less severe by the time they are adults.
What Causes Antisocial Personality Disorder?
The evidence below discusses many associations between antisocial behavior with a wide range of risk factors. The exact role in causation of most of these risk factors is unknown: while we know what, statistically, predicts conduct-problem outcomes, we do not know how or why. Establishing a risk factor is by no means straightforward, particularly as it is unethical to experimentally expose healthy children to risk factors to see whether those factors can cause new conduct problems. The use of genetically sensitive designs and the study of within-individual change in natural experiments and treatment studies have considerable methodological advantages for suggesting causal influences on conduct problems.
Genes:
Oddly, less than 10% of the families in any community account for more than 50% of that community’s criminal problems, which reflects a merge of genetic plus environmental risks for ASPD. Now, there is solid evidence from twin and adoption studies that conduct problems are substantially heritable.
Several studies have determined interactions between the families genetic history and the child’s environment while growing up can lead to an increase or decrease in a child’s potential to develop conduct disorders. The more stable and nurturing the environment, the less likely that the genetic predisposition will express itself in conduct disorder.
Both twin and adoption studies have found a link between antisocial behavior in the biological parent and adverse conditions in the adoptive home that predicted the adopted child’s antisocial outcome, which means that the genetic risk factors can modified by the rearing environment. One twin study found the experience of abuse was associated with an increase of 24% chance of developing conduct disorder for children at high genetic risk, but an increase of only 2% among children at low genetic risk. Such gene–environment interactions are being increasingly discovered. Awareness of a familial predisposition toward antisocial personality disorder actually increases the urgency to intervene and improve a the child’s environment.\
Pregnancy Complications And/Or Temperament:
Recent general population studies have found associations between life-long conduct problems and perinatal complications, minor physical anomalies, and low birth weight. Most studies support a bio-social model in which pregnancy complications might lead to vulnerability to other risks such as hostile or inconsistent parenting. Several prospective studies have shown associations between irritable temperament as an infant and conduct problems, but so far no consensus has been reached.
Cognitive Deficits:
Children with conduct problems have been shown to have increased rates of deficits in language-based verbal skills. Children who cannot reason or assert themselves with their words may attempt to gain control of social exchanges using aggression; which means that kids with low verbal IQ leads to to problems at school, which could mean that the child experience of school becomes unrewarding rather than a source of self-esteem and support.
Children and young people with conduct problems have been shown consistently to have poor tested executive functions. Executive functions are the abilities implicated in successfully achieving goals through appropriate and effective actions. Specific skills include learning and applying contingency rules, abstract reasoning, problem solving, self-monitoring, sustained attention and concentration, relating previous actions to future goals, and inhibiting inappropriate responses. These mental functions are largely, although not exclusively, associated with the frontal lobes.
Parenting Styles:
Studies have shown that parents of children with conduct problems tend to be less consistent in their use of rules, provide more vague commands, are more likely to react to their children based on how they felt (for example: bad mood) rather than based on what the child was actually doing, are less likely to check their children’s whereabouts, and were unresponsive to their children’s behaviors. Conduct problems are associated with hostile, critical, punitive and coercive parenting.
There is considerable evidence that children’s difficult behaviors do indeed evoke parental negativity. The fact that children’s behaviors can cause negative parenting does not mean that negative parenting has no impact on children’s behavior.
We now have the ability to intervene and change course of children’s antisocial behaviors by removing the harsh, cold, inconsistent parenting through parental education. Parenting classes can reverse poor patterns of parenting and promote positive encouragement of children with setting of clear, calmly enforced boundaries can lead to improvement of conduct problems.
Child/Parent Attachment:
The quality of the parent–child relationship is crucial to later social behavior, and if the child does not have the opportunity to make attachments with their parents, such as being put into foster care, typically leads to subsequent problems with antisocial behaviors. One study found that ambivalent and controlling attachment parenting predicted later conduct problems behaviors; disorganized child attachment patterns seem to be especially associated with conduct problems. While it seems obvious that poor parent–child relations in general predict conduct problems, it’s unknown if attachment difficulties have an independent causal role in the development of behavior problems. However, in adolescence there is evidence that attachment representations independently predict conduct symptoms over and above parenting quality.
Domestic Violence:
Several researchers have found that children exposed to domestic violence between adults are subsequently more likely to themselves become antisocial. In one study, it was proposed that marital conflict influences children’s behavior because of its affect on emotional regulation; a child may respond to fear arising from marital conflict by controlling their reactions through denial of the situation. This can lead to developing the wrong appraisal of other social situations and poor problem-solving skills. Children’s antisocial behavior may be increased by domestic violence because children are likely to imitate aggressive behavior modeled by their parents. Through parental fights, children may learn that aggression is a normal part of relationships and that works to control others as well as aggression is okay, not punished.
Abuse
Many parents use physical punishment, and parents of children with antisocial behavior frequently resort to it out of desperation; associations between physical abuse and conduct problems are well-stablished. In a longitudinal study, child sexual abuse predicted conduct problem. However, sometimes some parents resort to severe and repeated beatings that are clearly abusive. This usually terrifies the child, causes great pain and overwhelms the ability of the child to stay calm, which leads the child to be less able to regulate their anger and teaches them a violent way of responding to stress. Unsurprisingly, it creates children who have more conduct problems.
Friendship groups
Children and young people with antisocial behavior have poorer peer relationships and associate with other children with similar antisocial behaviors. They have more aggressive and unhappy interactions with other children and they experience more rejection by children without conduct disorders.
What Are Some Symptoms of Antisocial Personality Disorder?
While antisocial personality disorder is a personality disorder diagnosed in adulthood, it has its precedent in childhood. The DSM-5’s criteria for ASPD require that the individual have conduct problems evident by the age of 15/Persistent antisocial behavior as well as a lack of regard for others in childhood and adolescence is known as conduct disorder and is the precursor of ASPD. About 25–40% of youths with conduct disorder will be diagnosed with ASPD in adulthood.
Conduct Disorder:
Conduct disorder (CD) is a disorder diagnosed in childhood that parallels the characteristics found in antisocial personality disorder. Conduct disorder is characterized by a repetitive and persistent pattern of behavior in which the basic rights of others or major age-appropriate norms are violated. Children with this disorder often display impulsive and aggressive behavior, may be callous and deceitful, and may repeatedly engage in petty crime such as stealing or vandalism, and/or get into fights with other children and adults.These behaviors are typically persistent and may be difficult to deter with even with threats or punishment. Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is common in this population; children with the disorder may also engage in substance abuse.
Conduct disorder is different from oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) as children with ODD do not commit aggressive or antisocial acts against other people, animals, and property; though it’s worth mentioning that many children diagnosed with ODD are subsequently re-diagnosed with conduct disorder.
Two developmental courses for CD have been identified based on the age at which the symptoms become present:
The first is known as the “childhood-onset type” and occurs when conduct disorder symptoms are present before the age of 10 years. This course is often linked to a more persistent life course and more pervasive behaviors, and children in this group express greater levels of ADHD symptoms, neuropsychological deficits, more academic problems, increased family dysfunction, and higher likelihood of displaying and engaging in aggression and violence
The second is called “adolescent-onset type” and occurs when conduct disorder develops after the age of 10 years. Compared to the childhood-onset type, less impairment in various cognitive and emotional functions are present, and the adolescent-onset variety may remit by adulthood.
In addition to this differentiation, the DSM-5 provides a specifier for a callous and unemotional interpersonal style, which reflects characteristics seen in psychopathy and are believed to be a childhood precursor to this disorder. Compared to the adolescent-onset subtype, the childhood onset subtype, especially if callous and unemotional traits are present, tends to have a worse treatment outcome.
Antisocial Personality Disorder:
Antisocial personality disorder is defined by a pervasive and persistent disregard for morals, social norms, and the rights and feelings of others. People who have this personality disorder typically have no problems exploiting others in harmful ways for their own gain or pleasure, and frequently manipulate and deceive other people, through wit and a façade of superficial charm or intimidation and violence. People who have ASPD are arrogant, think badly and negatively of others, and/or lack remorse for their harmful actions and have a callous attitude toward those they have harmed. Irresponsibility is a core characteristic of this disorder: people with antisocial personality disorder often have significant difficulties in maintaining stable employment as well as fulfilling their social and financial obligations; people with this disorder often lead exploitative, unlawful, or parasitic lifestyles.
Those with antisocial personality disorder are often impulsive and reckless, failing to consider or disregarding the consequences of their actions. They may repeatedly disregard and jeopardize their own safety and the safety of others and place themselves and others in danger. People who have ASPD are often aggressive and hostile, display a unregulated temper, and may lash out violently with provocation or frustration. People who have ASPD are prone to substance abuse and addiction as the abuse of various psychoactive substances is common in this population. These behaviors lead such people into frequent conflict with the law, and many people with ASPD have extensive histories of antisocial behavior and criminal infractions stemming back before adulthood.
Serious problems with interpersonal relationships are often seen in those with the disorder. Attachments and emotional bonds are weak, and interpersonal relationships often revolve around the manipulation, exploitation, and abuse of others. While they generally have no problems in establishing relationships, they may have difficulties in sustaining and maintaining them. Relationships with family members and relatives are often strained due to their behavior and the frequent problems that these people may get into.
A person cannot be diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder based on a single action. Behaviors that are explained by something else, such as addiction, trauma, or a cognitive disability, will also not be diagnosed as antisocial personality disorder. People with antisocial personality disorder struggle to follow or understand social rules about how to interact with others. They fail to see other people as beings worthy of consideration, kindness, or rights. They may not feel empathy or guilt.
However, not all people with antisocial personality disorder act on these emotions, nor do all people who violate the rights of others have a mental health condition. A person might be evaluated for antisocial personality disorder after interacting with police, seeking treatment for chronic relationship problems, or being involved in a negative experience with a child or partner.
Those affected by Antisocial Personality Disorder may exhibit the following signs and symptoms:
Making decisions based on one’s own needs and desires, without considering the needs of others
Lacking concern for the needs, feelings, or pain of others, and lacking remorse after hurting others
Exploiting others in relationships, making it difficult to have relationships
Using lies, domination, or intimidation to control others
Exhibiting manipulative behavior, including using charm or ingratiation for one’s own benefit
Exhibiting dishonest or fraudulent behavior
Not being concerned about how others feel; some people with antisocial personality disorder enjoy sadistic behavior, such as hurting others
Feeling hostility, anger, or aggression, particularly in response to relatively small problems
Lacking inhibitions, which may cause a person to disobey rules, abandon their commitments, or take unnecessary risks
Sense of right and wrong is skewed or ignored
Prone to lying and deception
Shows a lack of remorse about harming others
Violates the rights of others
Frequent agitation
Episodes of aggressive or violent behavior
Tendency toward child abuse or neglect
Tendency toward partner abuse or difficult relationships
Chronic legal problems
Uses charm or wit to manipulate others
Intimidates people
Difficulties holding down a job or acting responsibly at work
Millon’s Subtypes Of Antisocial Personality Disorder:
Theodore Milton identified five subtypes for antisocial behavior; however, someone with Antisocial Personality Disorder may experience none or many of these subtypes:
Malevolent Antisocial:
These people are a mixture of antisocial and paranoid or sadistic personalities, and are often considered to be the worst types of antisocial personality disorder. Malevolent antisocial people are belligerent, rancorous, vicious, malignant, brutal, callous, vengeful, and vindictive. Their actions are hateful and destructive as completed with a defiance of conventional life. Like the someone with paranoid personality disorder, malevolent antisocial personalities anticipate both betrayal and punishment. Instead of using verbal threats, however, these people secure their boundaries with cold-blooded ruthlessness that will avenge every mistreatment they believe others have done to them.
For malevolent antisocial personalities, feeling tender emotions are a sign of major weakness, and they interpret goodwill and kindness of others as hiding a deceptive ploy – so they are always on guard. Where sadistic traits are most prominent, they may display a chip-on-the-shoulder attitude and a willingness to confirm their strong self-image by victimizing those too weak to fight back or those whose fear may prove particularly entertaining. When confronted with displays of strength, malevolent antisocial personalities love posturing and pressuring their “opponents” until they feel they have “won.” Few make concession. rather they escalate confrontations as far as necessary, backing down only when clearly outgunned.
Covetous Antisocial:
These people feel that life has been excessively unfair to them. These people feel that life has not given them “their due;” that they have been deprived of their rightful amount of love, support, or material reward; while everyone else has received more than their share. Highly jealous of others who have received the bounty of a good life, covetous antisocial personalities are driven by an greedy desire for payback – to take what destiny refused them. Through deceit or destruction, their goal is compensation for the emptiness of life, rationalized by the belief that they alone can restore the imbalance in their lives. They seethe with anger and resentment, their greatest pleasure lies in taking control of the property and possessions of others. Some are overtly criminal. With a gigantic drive for revenge, these people are used to manipulating other people like pawns in a power game.
Regardless of their success, however, covetous antisocial personalities usually are insecure about their power and status, never quite feeling that they’ve been compensated for life’s “unfairness.” Ever jealous and envious, pushy and greedy, they often make ostentatious and wasteful displays of materialism and conspicuous consumption – buying exotic cars, huge homes, and/or elaborate jewelry as a way of boasting of their power and achievements to others. Most people who have covetous antisocial personalities feel a gaping sense of emptiness, juxtaposed with vague images of how different life should have been, if opportunity had blessed them, as it has so many others.
Some covetous antisocial personalities are simple thieves, and others become manipulative entrepreneurs who exploit people as objects to satisfy their desires. While they have little compassion for or guilt about the effects of their behavior, they never feel that they have acquired quite enough, never achieve a sense of contentment, and feel unfulfilled regardless of their successes, remaining forever dissatisfied yet insatiable.
Risk-Taking Antisocial:
Minor risk taking within a controlled environment allows us all a normal outlet for excitement and sensation-seeking, such as sky-diving. However, there are people for whom taking risks is intended to impress others around them with their behavior of courageous indifference to potentially deadly consequences. Risk-taking antisocial personalities, who combine antisocial and histrionic traits, deeply desire other people to see them as unaffected by what almost anyone else would surely experience as dangerous or frightening. While others shrink in fear, they are unfazed by the possibility of gambling with death or serious injury. Risk is sought as its own reward, a means of feeling stimulated and alive, not a means of material gain. While their pretense is being dauntless, intrepid, and bold, their hyperactive search for hazardous challenges is seen as foolhardy, if not stupid.
Risk-taking antisocial personalities are thrill seekers that want to to test their strength by performing for the attention, applause, and amazement of an audience. Otherwise, they would simply feel trapped by the responsibility and boredom of everyday life. The most important factors making them antisocial is the irresponsibility of their actions and their failure to consider the consequences for their own life, or the lives of others, as they pursue ever more daring challenges.
Reputation-Defending Antisocial:
Not all people who have antisocial personality disorder desire material possessions or power; some are motivated by the desire to extend, then defend, their reputation of bravery and toughness. Their antisocial acts are used to ensure that others notice them and provide them the respect that they deserve. This means that they’re always on guard against the possibility of belittlement. Society should know that the reputation-defending antisocial personality is someone significant, not to be easily dismissed, treated with indifference, taken lightly, or pushed around. Whenever their status or ability is slighted, they may erupt with ferocious intensity, posturing, and threatening until their rivals back down. Some reputation-defending antisocial personalities are loners, some are involved in gang activities, and others seek to impress peers with aggressive acts of leadership and/or violence that secures their status as the alpha male, the dominant member of the pack. Being tough and assertive is a defensive act intended to prove their strength and guarantee a reputation of major courage.
Nomadic Antisocial:
As the most widely held impression is that those who have antisocial personality disorder are incorrigible criminals who undermine the values of culture, some seek simply to run away from a society in which they feel unwanted, cast aside, or abandoned. Although most people who have antisocial personality disorder react antagonistically to social rejection, nomadic antisocial personalities tend to drift along at the margins of society, scavenging whatever resources they come across. The nomadic variant combines antisocial with schizoid and/or avoidant characteristics. Those with nomadic antisocial tendencies see themselves as doomed and only want to exist at the edge of the world that would almost certainly reject them. Mired in self-pity, they drop out of society to become gypsy-like roamers, vagabonds, or wanderers. With little regard for their personal safety or comfort, they may drift from one setting to another as homeless people involved in prostitution and substance abuse.
Adopted children who feel uneasy about their place in the world sometimes follow the path of the nomadic antisocial, wandering from place to place in a search for their true home or natural parents. Their sense of “being from nowhere” signifies alienation from self and others. This is why nomadic antisocial personalities often appear disconnected from reality and lack any clear sense of self-identity. Compared to other types, nomadic antisocial personalities often seem harmless because of their attitude of indifference and disengagement. Some are indeed vacant and fearful, but others are deeply angry and resentful. As a consequence of alcohol or substance abuse, they may act out impulsively, discharging their frustrations in brutal assaults or sexual attacks on those weaker than themselves.
How Is Antisocial Personality Disorder Diagnosed?
A person must be at least 18 years old to receive a diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder or any other personality disorders. To receive a diagnosis of ASPD, it must also be evidence that they qualified for a diagnosis of conduct disorder before the age of 15, as many of the symptoms of the two disorders are similar. A diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder will also not be given if the behaviors occur due to the symptoms of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder .Antisocial personality disorder falls under the dramatic/erratic cluster of personality disorders, “Cluster B.” and is one of the most well-known of the personality disorders as it is frequently associated with violence and crime.
Personality disorders, like Antisocial Personality Disorder, are not usually diagnosed by a general family practitioner. Instead, personality disorders should be diagnosed by a mental health professional like a psychologist or psychiatrist.
However, many people with Antisocial Personality Disorder do not seek out medical treatment or a diagnosis unless the disorder begins to significantly impact their lives.
General Diagnostic Guidelines For The ICD-10 And DSM-5 For Personality Disorders:
Conditions not directly attributable to gross brain damage or disease, or to another psychiatric disorder, meeting the following criteria:
markedly disharmonious attitudes and behavior, involving usually several areas of functioning, e.g. affectivity, arousal, impulse control, ways of perceiving and thinking, and style of relating to others;
the abnormal behavior pattern is enduring, of long standing, and not limited to episodes of mental illness;
the abnormal behavior pattern is pervasive and clearly maladaptive to a broad range of personal and social situations;
the above manifestations always appear during childhood or adolescence and continue into adulthood;
the disorder leads to considerable personal distress but this may only become apparent late in its course;
the disorder is usually, but not invariably, associated with significant problems in occupational and social performance.
For different cultures it may be necessary to develop specific sets of criteria with regard to social norms, rules and obligations. For diagnosing the subtypes of personality disorders, clear evidence is usually required of the presence of at least three of the traits or behaviors given in the clinical description.
Diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder From The DSM-5:
The essential features of a personality disorder are impairments in personality (self and interpersonal), functioning, and the presence of pathological personality traits. To diagnose antisocial personality disorder, the following criteria must be met:
A. Significant impairments in personality functioning manifest by:
1. Impairments in self functioning (a or b):
a. Identity: Ego-centrism; self-esteem derived from personal gain, power, or pleasure.
b. Self-direction: Goal-setting based on personal gratification; absence of prosocial internal standards associated with failure to conform to lawful or culturally normative ethical behavior.
AND
2. Impairments in interpersonal functioning (a or b):
a. Empathy: Lack of concern for feelings, needs, or suffering of others; lack of remorse after hurting or mistreating another.
b. Intimacy: Incapacity for mutually intimate relationships, as exploitation is a primary means of relating to others, including by deceit and coercion; use of dominance or intimidation to control others.
B. Pathological personality traits in the following domains:
1. Antagonism, characterized by:
a. Manipulativeness: Frequent use of subterfuge to influence or control others; use of seduction, charm, glibness, or ingratiation to achieve one’s ends.
b. Deceitfulness: Dishonesty and fraudulence; misrepresentation of self; embellishment or fabrication when relating events.
c. Callousness: Lack of concern for feelings or problems of others; lack of guilt or remorse about the negative or harmful effects of one’s actions on others; aggression; sadism.
d. Hostility: Persistent or frequent angry feelings; anger or irritability in response to minor slights and insults; mean, nasty, or vengeful behavior.
2. Disinhibition, characterized by:
a. Irresponsibility: Disregard for – and failure to honor – financial and other obligations or commitments; lack of respect for – and lack of follow-through on – agreements and promises.
b. Impulsivity: Acting on the spur of the moment in response to immediate stimuli; acting on a momentary basis without a plan or consideration of outcomes; difficulty establishing and following plans.
c. Risk taking: Engagement in dangerous, risky, and potentially self-damaging activities, unnecessarily and without regard for consequences; boredom proneness and thoughtless initiation of activities to counter boredom; lack of concern for one’s limitations and denial of the reality of personal danger.
C. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are relatively stable across time and consistent across situations.
D. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are not better understood as normative for the individual’s developmental stage or sociocultural environment.
E. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are not solely due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., severe head trauma).
F. The individual is at least age 18 years.
Diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder From ICD-10:
The WHO’s International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems, tenth edition (ICD-10), has a diagnosis called dissocial personality disorder (F60.2)
It is characterized by at least 3 of the following:
Callous unconcern for the feelings of others;
Gross and persistent attitude of irresponsibility and disregard for social norms, rules, and obligations;
Incapacity to maintain enduring relationships, though having no difficulty in establishing them;
Very low tolerance to frustration and a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence;
Incapacity to experience guilt or to profit from experience, particularly punishment;
Marked readiness to blame others or to offer plausible rationalizations for the behavior that has brought the person into conflict with society.
The ICD states that this diagnosis includes “amoral, antisocial, asocial, psychopathic, and sociopathic personality/” Although the disorder is not synonymous with conduct disorder, presence of conduct disorder during childhood or adolescence may further support the diagnosis of dissocial personality disorder. There may also be persistent irritability as an associated feature
It is a requirement of the ICD-10 that a diagnosis of any specific personality disorder also satisfies a set of general personality disorder criteria.
How Is Antisocial Personality Disorder Treated?
There is no specific definitive test, such as a blood test, that can accurately assess whether a person has antisocial personality disorder. Mental health practitioners like psychiatrists, psychoanalysts, or clinical psychologists conduct a mental health interview that gathers information to look for the presence of the symptoms previously described. Due to the use of a mental health interview in making the diagnosis and the fact that this disorder can be quite resistant to treatment, it is important that the mental health practitioner know to assess the symptoms in the context of the person’s culture so the individual is not assessed as having antisocial personality disorder when he or she does not.
Often, the most effective way for a person with antisocial personality disorder to learn better coping skills is to face up to the consequences of their behavior. This may include the court system and/or jail, but may be an excellent motivating factor in the person’s treatment. Unfortunately, research shows that many practitioners lack the knowledge, experience, and sometimes the willingness to factor cultural context into their assessments.Many people with Antisocial Personality Disorder do not actively seek out treatment unless they are court-ordered or demanded by a significant other. This may make motivation to get better difficult. Treatment for antisocial personality disorder may prove challenging. Because the symptoms of the disorder ten to peak in a person’s early 20s, people may find that symptoms improve on their own as a person reaches their 40s and beyond.
It’s unfortunate that Antisocial Personality Disorder is often grossly misunderstood by the public as well as mental health professionals. The stigma of labels like “sociopath” and “psychopath” means that those with Antisocial Personality Disorder often are discriminated against in the mental health community, especially since the pervasive lack of remorse may come across as not having any feelings whatsoever. This can greatly hinder diagnosis and treatment.Individuals with Antisocial Personality Disorder are not easily motivated to change their patterns of behaviors, but it can be done. Threats are almost never a good motivator for those with Antisocial Personality Disorder, but intensive approaches to draw connections between a person’s actions and their feelings may help. Emotions are a key aspect of treatment, as those with antisocial personality disorder have very few emotionally-rewarding relationships. Reinforcing any emotions – aside from anger – is important, as expressing emotions is a sign of progress that the therapy may be working.
The treatment of choice for antisocial personality disorder is psychotherapy, coupled with treatment of other co-morbid diagnoses with medication. The recommended treatment for someone with antisocial personality disorder will also depend on their circumstances, taking into account factors such as age, offending history and whether there are any associated problems, such as alcohol or drug abuse and addiction.The person’s family and friends will often play an active role in making decisions about their treatment and care.
Treatment should address any co-occurring disorders, which often include attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, borderline personality disorder, and impulse control disorders such as gambling disorder or sexual disorders. Because a majority of people with antisocial personality disorder will also have a substance abuse disorder, a person may need to complete detoxification as the first step of treatment, with the substance abuse and personality disorder then treated simultaneously. Medications may be used to treat co-morbid conditions, but there are no indications that medications will help to treat antisocial personality disorder.
Self-help groups designed specifically for those with Antisocial Personality Disorder may be very helpful, as those with antisocial personality disorder often feel more at ease discussing feelings and behaviors with their peers in a supported environment. However, it must be made clear that the group therapy is not a place to brag about exploits and bad behaviors.
Psychotherapy, or talk therapy, is usually the treatment recommended for antisocial personality disorder. A therapist can help a person manage negative behaviors and build interpersonal skills they may lack. Often the first goal is simply to reduce impulsive behaviors that can lead to arrest or physical harm. Family therapy might be a useful option to educate family members and improve communication, and group therapy may also help when limited to people with the disorder. Often, the most effective way for a person with antisocial personality disorder to learn better coping skills is to face up to the consequences of their behavior.
Democratic Therapeutic Communities (DTC)
Evidence suggests community-based programs can be an effective long-term treatment method for people with antisocial personality disorder, and is becoming increasingly popular in prisons. DTC is a type of social therapy that aims to address the person’s risk of offending or re-offending, as well as their emotional and psychological needs. It’s based around large and small therapy groups and focuses on community issues, creating an environment where both staff and prisoners contribute to the decisions of the community.There may also be opportunities for educational and vocational work.
The recommended length of treatment is 18 months, as there needs to be enough time for a person to make changes and put new skills into practice.
Relationships With Someone Who Has Antisocial Personality Disorder:
A healthy intimate relationship is extremely difficult to establish with an adult who, at their very core, seeks to control and demean another person. Their lack of care or concern regarding the impact of their actions can further exacerbate the pain for their mates. It can be difficult for loved ones to move past their flippant manner of inflicting harm: “He hurt me and he didn’t seem to care.”
Aside from problems such as minimal empathy, antagonism, manipulation, and anger, 6 additional things that hinder safe relationships with a psychopath include:
No Capacity To Bond:
At the beginning of intimate relationships, people who have ASPD are often typically excited and stimulated by their new partner; while it may feel good, this state can easily be mistaken as bonding and deep caring for their mate. Unfortunately, this tends to be the dopamine-driven stage of romantic love that can feel like addictive attraction. Once that fades, so does their interest in their partner, and typically at this stage they begin to show display disdain for their partner.
Dysfunctional Cycles:
People who have ASPD often demonstrate a predictable cyclical style of romantic relationships common for those with cluster B personality disorders. They idealize, devalue, and then discard their partners, with no concern for the pain they cause. Given that they never had an actual bond with their mate in the first place, walking away from the relationship causes them little to no discomfort. Many are happy to move along to the next target, particularly if they left their former mate in the “loser” position.
Cycle of Dysfunctional Relationships with Cluster B Personality Disorders:
Idealization -> Devalue -> Disregard -> Repeat
They Can’t And Won’t Apologize:
ASPD is a disorder that hinders the ability of a person to feel natural guilt and remorse for the hurts they cause others; they also here is a tendency to engage in immoral behavior. When they do hurt someone or cause damage, these people usually will not apologize. If what appears to be an apology is offered, it is rarely beyond words and tends to include an element of distancing and minimizing (“I made a mistake”). They feel no guilt and remorse because these emotional states are not within their capacity, therefore, the typical apology that naturally follows when one has caused harm will be absent. Their stance is typically, “Move on,” “Let it go,” “You’re too sensitive,” or, “Why are you still talking about that—it’s in the past!”
High Levels of Narcissism:
People who have ASPD have an incredibly inflated, grandiose sense of themselves. They do not need or care about the approval of others. Any desire they have for control or worship is associated with feelings of superiority, not insecurity. Unfortunately, for the person with psychopathy, there tends to be no genuine interest in friendships.
People As “Objects:”
People who have ASPD have a strong need for power and control and often place others in the role of “loser,” even those who demonstrate loyalty, trust and love toward them. Psychopathic individuals usually have a “use” for those they keep close. They consider some people puppets, who will defend them, agree with them, or sacrifice their reputation to protect them. They choose to have numerous puppets. For many with psychopathy, this role is also assigned to their intimate partner.
Immorality:
ASPD is a disorder that has immorality as a core feature. When there is immorality, harm to others tends to follow. It would not be uncommon for someone with this condition to have secret/dual lives, pervasive hateful thoughts, or a consistent pattern of violating behaviors, including Internet trolling, using children as pawns, abusing/bullying others, or forcing a partner to have sex.
Coping When a Loved One Has Antisocial Personality Disorder:
If you have a loved one with antisocial personality, it’s common to feel discouraged and upset. Try to remember that lack of remorse or empathy is a symptom of their personality disorder may assist as you set realistic expectations for how your loved one can improve. With treatment, some people with antisocial personality disorder do learn to form positive relationships, be more responsible, and respect the boundaries of others. Others simply cannot not, and family members will have to consider how they want to respond to this challenge. One interesting fact is that people with antisocial personality disorder who are married tend to improve over time compared to single people.
Caring for a person with antisocial personality disorder can be difficult and challenging. Depending on the circumstances, families can play an important part in supporting a person with antisocial personality disorder, but they may also need help and support themselves. Get support. Join a group. Find a knowledgeable therapist. There are plenty of people who can help you in your journey. Take advantage of them all.
Get support. Join a group. Find a knowledgeable therapist. There are plenty of people who can help you in your journey. Take advantage of them all.
Be informed. Learn the symptoms. Recognize the course of the illness. Understanding what you’re dealing with is half the battle.
Don’t argue. People with ASPD love to bicker. They’re quick to point out where you and others are wrong. Refuse to take part in the discussion. If they don’t stop debating, you can always walk away.
Don’t believe lies. If you think they’re lying, they probably are. That’s what folks with ASPD do. Don’t point out the flaws in their logic. Don’t try to sway them to your point of view. State your case, then remain silent. You’ll feel and appear stronger if you do.
Set firm guidelines. Decide how you’ll handle particular issues. For instance, you may decide not to bail them out of jail or hang up if they become verbally abusive on the telephone. You can’t change their behavior, but you can change how you respond.
Let go of guilt. You didn’t cause your loved ones’ problems. And there’s little you can do to fix them. Feeling bad only wastes precious emotional resources. Save your energy for something useful.
Take care of yourself. Dealing with another’s ASPD can be exhausting. Make sure your personal needs are met before dealing with theirs.
Be informed. Learn the symptoms. Recognize the course of the illness. Understanding what you’re dealing with is half the battle.
Don’t argue. People with ASPD love to bicker. They’re quick to point out where you and others are wrong. Refuse to take part in the discussion. If they don’t stop debating, you can always walk away.
Don’t believe lies. If you think they’re lying, they probably are. That’s what folks with ASPD do. Don’t point out the flaws in their logic. Don’t try to sway them to your point of view. State your case, then remain silent. You’ll feel and appear stronger if you do.
Set firm guidelines. Decide how you’ll handle particular issues. For instance, you may decide not to bail them out of jail or hang up if they become verbally abusive on the telephone. You can’t change their behavior, but you can change how you respond.
Let go of guilt. You didn’t cause your loved ones’ problems. And there’s little you can do to fix them. Feeling bad only wastes precious emotional resources. Save your energy for something useful.
Take care of yourself. Dealing with another’s ASPD can be exhausting. Make sure your personal needs are met before dealing with theirs.
Know yourself – what you are willing to tolerate and what you refuse to tolerate. Once you know your own boundaries, explain those boundaries to the antisocial person. Explain what actions you will take if and when those boundaries are violated.
Follow through with your plan each and every time.
Expect deception, manipulation, and betrayal.
Keep your finances separate. Do not loan money that you expect to be repaid.
If in a romantic relationship, do not trust the antisocial person to be alone with your friends and family, as cheating is highly likely, and a betrayal of this type is often very damaging.
Have backup plans for child-care, dates, etc. as the antisocial person is not likely to be dependable.
Maintain personal safety at all times. Keep a cell phone charged and on your person, keep enough gas in the car to get away, and, if necessary, inform a friend that you may need to stay with him/her sometimes. Know where shelters are in your area. Call 9-1-1 if the person becomes violent.
It is not recommended to have a romantic relationship with a person with antisocial personality disorder due to the emotional and/or physical damages that may be inflicted. However, if, for some reason, you feel you cannot end the relationship, keep yourself safe at all times.
Additional Resources for Antisocial Personality Disorder:
Aftermath: Surviving Psychopathy – dedicated to educating the public regarding the nature of psychopathy and its cost to individuals and society. We seek to support the families and victims of those with psychopathy.
Out of the Fog provides information and support for those with a loved one who has a personality disorder.
April is child abuse awareness month and we at The Band intend to highlight the stories of those who’ve suffered from this form of abuse. There damage child abuse leaves in its wake can last a lifetime:
This is her story:
Her first memory became her second memory once they started coming back, a piece at a time.
The old first memory, in her words:
“My stepfather has brought me into the back part of the house that we used as a living room. I am maybe four years old, maybe younger. I am very happy, as the Monster is being nice to me. I have a dress on, black patent-leather shoes with buckles and white ankle socks with ruffles. The couch is plaid – brown, yellow, green. His hand is on my knee and he is rubbing my leg, smiling at me. I don’t remember him taking off my panties, but they are gone. I am not concerned, I am just happy he is not hitting me, he is not yelling at me, he is smiling at me and I feel safe for the first time in a long time. His hand is under my dress and he is rubbing me and I have this strange feeling in my belly.
Out of nowhere, the most tremendous blinding pain I have ever felt. I try to scream, I try to move. He has his hand over my mouth and is holding down. The pain is unbearable. He is smiling. I can’t breathe. The pain is excruciating. Am I dying? Is he finally killing me? What is he doing? Why is he hurting me like this? As suddenly as it started, it is over. He gets up and leaves the room and I curl up in a ball sobbing. He returns with a washrag and rolls me over on my back spreading my legs again. The rag is moist and cold, he wipes me. I lay there terrified the pain will start again. When I see the rag, it is covered in blood and still he is smiling.”
She ran away then, into the fields of purple flowers. She ran and ran, finally falling down into the tall grass. The sun went down, it got dark, and though she was afraid of the dark, she was more afraid of him. Later she hears voices calling her name. Her mother, her aunt, her brother. Her mother crying for her, she stands up and hollers “Mama!” Her mother runs to her, crying, saying “My baby is OK! My baby is OK!”
Back at the house, her mother asks her why she ran away. She tells her.
“She slapped me so hard across the face that I was knocked several feet backwards and fell to the floor. She screamed at me, that I was a liar and sent me to my room. I sobbed, hurting from the pain in my bottom and the pain in my heart, knowing that I was going to die. He was going to kill me. There was no one to stop him. So I did what all good Christian girls did: I prayed to God that I would die in my sleep before morning.
That was the longest night of my life. Somewhere in the night I fell asleep. When I woke up, the Monster was smiling down at me once more. My heart was racing and I knew I was about to die and he just kept smiling. He puts one hand on either side of my head holding me down by my long brown hair, and smiling the whole time, he said, ‘She didn’t believe you, she never will and if you ever try to tell again I will kill you.’ Then, like nothing ever happened, he walks to the door, opens it, and calmly says, ‘Breakfast is ready when you are.’”
She later remembered a time in the car, when she was much smaller. Three, maybe, almost four. Her mother was asleep in the back. She was on his lap, “driving”, a policeman is yelling at her Daddy. “Where are your shoes? Why are your pants unzipped? What is going on here?” She had a little dress on. He hadn’t hurt her yet.
How did her mother sleep through the policeman, through the yelling? Or was she asleep at all?
Her words:
“After the first night when I was raped by my stepfather and ran away, two things happened. Because I had run away, a lock was placed on the outside of my door. Every night when I went to bed I was locked into my room. From then on, when mother passed out at night from her ‘nerve pills’ and alcohol, Monster was guaranteed easy access to me.”
The abuse came from her mother as well. She wasn’t “Vicki” anymore, she was “bitch, slut, liar, whore.” Any infraction of any kind was met with blunt force, blows to the head, back, ribs, whatever was closest. Her fingers were held over an open flame until the skin bubbled and blistered.
In a few years, it was not just Vicki who was being sexually tortured, it was her two brothers. And then the brother and sister that her mother had with the Monster.
When did it end?
You want to know how long it went on?
Vicki was fourteen years old when her stepfather finally went to prison for his crimes. A caring neighbor finally heard her, believed her, and confronted her mother. Her mother had the option to help provide evidence against him or be charged as an accomplice.
Perhaps worst of all, her mother did not leave the Monster. When the Monster got out of prison? He left HER.
Vicki is my sister.
Vicki is my hero.
Vicki has spent most of her life overcoming the most horrific kind of abuse imaginable and despite it, despite every bit of it – the foster care, the beatings, the years of alcohol and drug abuse to blur and erase the memories – she has not only survived, she has overcome. She has raised a son who is now in college. She was married to the love of her life until she lost him to a sudden heart attack. She is the strongest, most self sufficient woman I have ever had the privilege to meet in my life.
I thank God for many things, but most often I thank Him for two things:
That Vicki is my sister. And that I? Was relinquished by her mother at birth to adoption.
My sister thanks God that I was given up for adoption. Which makes me weep.
Personality is the way of thinking, feeling and behaving that makes a person different from another. An person’s personality is influenced by experiences, environment (surroundings, life situations), and inherited characteristics. A personality disorder is a way of thinking, feeling and behaving that deviates from the expectations of the culture, causes distress, or problems functioning, and lasts over time.
There are 10 specific types of personality disorders, including Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Common to all personality disorders is a long-term pattern of behavior and inner experience that differs significantly from what is expected. This pattern of experience and behavior begins by late adolescence or early adulthood, and causes distress and/or problems in the way a person functions. Without treatment, these behaviors and experiences becomes inflexible and usually long-lasting.
The pattern of behaviors is seen in at least two of these areas:
Way of thinking about themselves and others
Way of responding emotionally
Way of relating to other people
Way of controlling one’s behavior
The 10 specific personality disorders are grouped into three categories called “clusters.”
Cluster A: Odd or Eccentric Behaviors
Paranoid personality disorder: a pattern of distrust and suspiciousness where others’ motives are seen as mean or spiteful. People with paranoid personality disorder often assume people will harm or deceive them and are reluctant to confide in others, and/or become close to them.
Schizoid personality disorder: a pattern of detachment from social relationships and a limited range of emotional expression. A person with schizoid personality disorder typically doesn’t seek close relationships, chooses solitary activities, and appears indifferent to praise or criticism from others.
Schizotypal personality disorder: a pattern of acute discomfort in close relationships, distortions in thinking or perception, and eccentric behavior. A person with schizotypal personality disorder may have odd beliefs or magical thinking, odd or peculiar behavior or speech, or may incorrectly attribute meanings to events.
Cluster B: Dramatic, Emotional, or Erratic Behavior
Antisocial personality disorder: a pattern of disregarding or violating the rights of others. A person with antisocial personality disorder may not conform to social norms, may repeatedly lie or deceive others, and/or may act impulsively.
Borderline personality disorder: a pattern of instability in personal relationships, emotional response, self-image and impulsivity. A person with borderline personality disorder may go to great lengths to avoid abandonment (real or perceived), have recurrent suicidal behavior, display inappropriate intense anger, and/or have chronic feelings of emptiness.
Histrionic personality disorder: a pattern of excessive emotion and attention seeking. A person with histrionic personality disorder may be uncomfortable when he/she is not the center of attention, consistently use their physical appearance to draw attention, or show rapidly shifting or exaggerated emotions.
Narcissistic personality disorder: a pattern of need for admiration and lack of empathy for others. A person with narcissistic personality disorder may have a grandiose sense of self-importance, a sense of entitlement, take advantage of others, and/or lack empathy.
Cluster C: Anxious or Fearful Behavior
Avoidant personality disorder: a pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy and extreme sensitivity to criticism. A person with avoidant personality disorder may be unwilling to get involved with people unless he/she is certain of being liked, be preoccupied with being criticized or rejected, and/or may view himself/herself as being inferior or socially inept.,
Dependent personality disorder: a pattern of needing to be taken care of and submissive and clingy behavior. A person with dependent personality disorder may have difficulty making daily decisions without reassurance from others or may feel uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of fear of inability to take care of himself or herself.
Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder: a pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism and control. A person with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder may be preoccupied with details or schedules, may work excessively to the exclusion of leisure or friendships, and/or may be inflexible in morality and values. (This is NOT the same as obsessive compulsive disorder)
Diagnosis of a personality disorder requires a mental health professional looking at long-term patterns of functioning and symptoms. For a person under 18 years old to be diagnosed, the symptoms must have been present for at least a year. Some people with personality disorders may not recognize a problem. Also, people often have more than one personality disorder. An estimated 9 percent of U.S. adults have at least one personality disorder.
What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is characterized by a person’s self-directed focus and inflated self-admiration.
While everyone likes to feel important and receive positive attention from those around them, people who have NPD take this to the next level. People with this condition are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding.
The hallmarks of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. They may also concentrate on grandiose fantasies (e.g. their own success, beauty, brilliance) and may be convinced that they deserve special treatments and rewards. These characteristics typically begin in early adulthood and must be consistently evident in multiple contexts, such as at work and in relationships.
Note: Having high self-confidence (a strong sense of self) is far different from narcissistic personality disorder; people with NPD typically value themselves over others to the extent that they openly disregard the feelings and wishes of others, and expect to be treated as superior, regardless of their actual status or achievements.
Moreover, the person with narcissistic personality disorder usually exhibits a fragile ego (self-concept), an intolerance of criticism, and a tendency to belittle others in order to validate their own superiority.
50 to 75 percent of the people diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder are male; it’s been approximated that 1-2% of people have narcissistic personality disorder. The actual number of people who have NPD is likely to be far higher, as many who have this personality disorder don’t ever seek treatments.
People with narcissistic personality disorder believe they are superior or special, and often try to associate with other people they believe are unique or gifted in some way. This association enhances their self-esteem, which is typically quite fragile underneath the surface. Individuals with NPD seek excessive admiration and attention in order to know that others think highly of them. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder have difficulty tolerating criticism or defeat, and may be left feeling humiliated or empty when they experience an “injury” in the form of criticism or rejection.
In the summer of 2018, [a study of] a nationally representative sample of 35,000 Americans found that 6 percent of Americans, or 1 out of 16, had experienced [clinical narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)] at some point in their lives.
And there was a big generational effect. You’d expect that people who are older would have a higher percentage of having experienced this because they’ve lived so many more years. But only 3 percent of people over 65 had had any experience with NPD, compared with almost 10 percent of people in their 20s. Given that you can only diagnose this when someone is 18, that’s a pretty short number of years in which to have this experience.
That’s a pretty big indication that this is an out-of-control epidemic.
What Are The Subtypes of Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Subtype Description Personality traits
Unprincipled narcissist Including antisocial features: These people have a deficient conscience; unscrupulous, amoral, disloyal, fraudulent, deceptive, arrogant, exploitive; a con artist and charlatan; dominating, contemptuous, vindictive.
Amorous narcissist Including histrionic features:. These people are sexually seductive, enticing, beguiling, tantalizing; glib and clever; disinclined to real intimacy; indulges hedonistic desires; bewitches and inveigles others; pathological lying and swindling. Tends to have many affairs, often with exotic partners.
Compensatory narcissist Including negativistic and avoidant features: These people cancel out deep feelings of inferiority and lack of self-esteem; offsets deficits by creating illusions of being superior, exceptional, admirable, noteworthy; self-worth results from self-enhancement.
Elitist narcissist, Variant of pure pattern: These people feel privileged and empowered by virtue of special childhood status and pseudo-achievements; entitled façade bears little relation to reality; seeks favored and good life; is upwardly mobile; cultivates special status and advantages by association.
Normal narcissist: Absent of the traits of the other four, this is the least severe and most interpersonally concerned and empathetic, still entitled and deficient in reciprocity; bold in environments, self-confident, competitive, seeks high targets, feels unique; talent in leadership positions; expecting of recognition from others.
Possible additional categories (not cited by the current theory of Millon might include):
Fanatic narcissist: Including paranoid features. Grandiose delusions are irrational and flimsy; pretentious, expensive supercilious contempt and arrogance toward others; lost pride reestablished with extravagant claims and fantasies. Reclassified under paranoid personality disorder.
Hedonistic narcissist: Mix of Millon’s initial four subtypes Hedonistic and self-deceptive, avoidant of responsibility and blame, shifted onto others; idiosyncratic, often self-biographical, proud of minor quirks and achievements, conflict-averse and sensitive to rejection; procrastinative, self-undoing, avolitive, ruminantly introspective; the most prone to fantastic inner worlds that replace social life.
Malignant narcissist Including antisocial, sadistic and paranoid features. Fearless, guiltless, remorseless, calculating, ruthless, inhumane, callous, brutal, rancorous, aggressive, biting, merciless, vicious, cruel, spiteful; hateful and jealous; anticipates betrayal and seeks punishment; desires revenge; has been isolated, and is potentially suicidal or homicidal.
Will Titshaw also suggested three subtypes of narcissistic personality disorder. These are not officially recognized in any editions of the DSM or the ICD-10.
Pure Narcissist: Mainly just NPD characteristics. Someone who has narcissistic features described in the DSM and ICD and lacks features from other personality disorders.
Attention Narcissist Including histrionic (HPD) features. They display the traditional NPD characteristics described in the ICD & DSM along with histrionic features due to the fact that they think they are superior and therefore they should have everyone’s attention, and when they do not have everyone’s attention they go out of their way to capture the attention of as many people as possible.
Beyond The Rules Narcissist :Including antisocial (ASPD) features. This type of narcissist thinks that because they are so superior to everyone they do not have to follow the rules like most people and therefore show behavior included in the ICD for dissocial personality disorder and behavior, included in the DSM for antisocial personality disorder.
Causes of Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
The exact cause of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is unknown; however, many psychologists believe that this shame-based disorder derives from a combination of biological, genetic, and social factors. It’s likely that the narcissist grew up in an extreme environment: living with neglect and abuse, pushed toward perfection or being praised for “having special talents.”
The causes of narcissistic personality disorder are unknown,The causes of narcissistic personality disorder are unknown. Experts tend to apply a biopsychosocial model of causation, meaning that a combination of environmental, social, genetic and neurobiological factors are likely to play a role in formulating a narcissistic personality.
Genetic Factors
There is evidence that narcissistic personality disorder is inheritable, and people are much more likely to develop NPD if there is a family history of the disorder. Studies on the occurrence of personality disorders in twins determined that there is a moderate to high inheritability for narcissistic personality disorder.
However, the specific genes and gene interactions that contribute to its cause – and how they may influence the developmental and physiological processes underlying this condition – have yet to be determined.
Environment
Environmental and social factors are also thought to have a significant influence on the onset of NPD. In some people, pathological narcissism may develop from an impaired attachment to their primary caregivers, usually their parents. This can result in the child’s perception of himself/herself as unimportant and unconnected to others. The child typically comes to believe they have some personality defect that makes them unvalued and unwanted. Overindulgent, permissive parenting as well as insensitive, over-controlling parenting, are believed to be contributing factors.
According to Leonard Groopman and Arnold Cooper, the following have been identified by various researchers as possible factors that promote the development of NPD:
An oversensitive temperament (personality traits) at birth.
Excessive admiration that is never balanced with realistic feedback.
Excessive praise for good behaviors or excessive criticism for bad behaviors in childhood.
Overindulgence and overvaluation by parents, other family members, or peers.
Being praised for perceived exceptional looks or abilities by adults.
Severe emotional abuse in childhood.
Unpredictable or unreliable caregiving from parents.
Learning manipulative behaviors from parents or peers.
Valued by parents as a means to regulate their own self-esteem.
Cultural elements are believed to influence the prevalence of NPD as well since NPD traits have been found to be more common in modern societies than in traditional ones.
What Are The Co-Morbid Conditions Associated With NPD?
NPD has a high rate of comorbidity with other mental disorders. People with NPD are prone to bouts of depression, often meeting criteria for co-occurring depressive disorders.
In addition, NPD is associated with bipolar disorder, anorexia, and substance use disorders, especially cocaine. As far as other personality disorders, NPD may be associated with histrionic, borderline, antisocial, and paranoid personality disorders.
Symptoms Of Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
Narcissistic personality disorder usually develops in adolescence or early adulthood. It is not uncommon for children and adolescents to display traits similar to those of NPD, but such occurrences are usually transient, so it’s important to get an actual diagnosis before assuming their teen has NPD.
True symptoms of NPD are pervasive, apparent in various situations, and rigid, remaining consistent over time. The NPD symptoms must be sufficiently severe that they significantly impair the person’s capabilities to develop meaningful human relationships. Generally, the symptoms of NPD also impair the person’s psychological abilities to function, either at work, or school, or important social settings. The DSM-5 indicates that the traits shown by the person must substantially differ from cultural norms, in order to qualify as symptoms of NPD.
According to the DSM-5: “Many highly successful individuals display personality traits that might be considered narcissistic. Only when these traits are inflexible, maladaptive, and persisting and cause significant functional impairment or subjective distress do they constitute narcissistic personality disorder.” Due to the high-functionality associated with narcissism, some people may not view it as an impairment in their lives.
Although overconfidence tends to make individuals with NPD ambitious, it does not necessarily lead to success and high achievement professionally.
These people can be unwilling to compete or may refuse to take any risks in order to avoid appearing like a failure. In addition, their inability to tolerate setbacks, disagreements, or criticism, along with lack of empathy, make it difficult for these people to work cooperatively with others or to maintain long-term professional relationships with superiors and colleagues.
The DSM-5 indicates that persons with NPD usually display some or all of the following symptoms (most often without the qualities or accomplishments they believe to have):
Grandiosity with expectations of superior treatment from other people
Fixated on fantasies of power, success, intelligence, attractiveness
Self-perception of being unique, superior, and associated with high-status people and institutions
Needing continual admiration from others
Sense of entitlement to special treatment and to obedience from others
Exploitative of others to achieve personal gain
Unwilling to empathize with the feelings, wishes, and needs of other people
Intensely envious of others, and the belief that others are equally envious of them
Pompous and arrogant demeanor
People with NPD tend to exaggerate their skills, accomplishments, and their level of intimacy with people they consider high-status. This sense of superiority may cause them to monopolize conversations or to become impatient or disdainful when others talk about themselves. When their own ego is wounded by a real or perceived criticism (triggering narcissistic rage); narcissistic rage and anger is usually disproportionate to the situation, but generally, their actions and responses are deliberate and calculated.
Narcissistic people can be controlling, blaming, self-absorbed, intolerant of others’ views, unaware of others’ needs and the effects of their behavior on others, and insist that others see them as they wish to be seen. Narcissistic individuals use various strategies to protect themselves and their beliefs at the expense of others. They tend to devalue, derogate, insult, and blame others, and they often respond to threatening feedback with anger and hostility.
Since the fragile ego of individuals with NPD is hypersensitive to perceived criticism or defeat, they are prone to feelings of shame, humiliation, and worthlessness over minor or even imagined incidents. They usually mask these feelings from others with feigned humility or by isolating themselves socially, or they may react with outbursts of rage, defiance, or by revenge seeking.
The merging of the “inflated self-concept” and the “actual self” is seen in the inherent grandiosity of narcissistic personality disorder. Also at the heart of this process are the defense mechanisms of denial, idealization, and devaluation.
According to the Cleveland Clinic, those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
Are self-centered and boastful
Seek constant attention and admiration
Consider themselves better than others
Exaggerate their talents and achievements
Believe that they are entitled to special treatment
Are easily hurt but might not show it
Might take advantage of others to achieve their goals
Exaggerates his or her own importance
Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence or ideal romance
Believes he or she is special and can only be understood by other special people or institutions
Requires constant attention and admiration from others
Has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
Takes advantage of others to reach his or her own goals
Disregards the feelings of others, lacks empathy
Is often envious of others or believes other people are envious of him or her
Shows arrogant behaviors and attitudes
A narcissist often exhibits intense and unstable emotions when their self-concept is challenged.
Other common traits of narcissistic personality disorder include:
Preoccupation with fantasies that focus on unlimited success, power, intelligence, beauty, or love
Belief that he or she is “special” and unique, and can only be understood by other special people
Expectation that others will automatically go along with what he or she wants
Inability to recognize or identify with the feelings, needs, and viewpoints of others
Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her
Hypersensitivity to insults (real or imagined), criticism, or defeat; possibly reacting with rage, shame, and humiliation
Arrogant behavior and/or attitude
The narcissistic individual’s sense of self is extremely distorted. A narcissist feels they must demonstrate feelings of superiority to compensate for a severe lack of self-esteem.
Treatment For Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
Those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder rarely seek treatment, as they genuinely believe that everyone else is the problem.
Treatment for narcissistic personality disorder can be challenging because people with this condition present with a great deal of grandiosity and defensiveness, which makes it difficult for them to acknowledge problems and vulnerabilities. Individual and group psychotherapy may be useful in helping people with narcissistic personality disorder relate to others in a healthier and more compassionate way.
Mentalization-based therapy, transference-focused psychotherapy, and schema-focused psychotherapy have all been suggested as effective ways of treating narcissistic personality disorder.
If the individual with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is extremely impulsive, tests reality, or is self-destructive, they may end up in a medical facility to treat those fall-outs and receive a diagnosis there.
Psychotherapy can be helpful for Depression and difficulties within the narcissist’s interpersonal relationships.
Group therapy can be especially helpful for those with NPD, as they are put into a situation where a group (without an authority figure) challenges their psychological beliefs.
The Children Of Those Who Have Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
Read more about ACONs, Adult Children of Narcissists.It’s clear that there are hundreds of thousands of people around the world who were raised by at least one narcissist, and it wreaked havoc on our self-esteem, feelings of well-being and safety, and confidence and courage.
Being raised by a narcissist makes us believe that throughout our lives, we are just not “good enough” despite everything we try and bending over backwards to please others.
Children of narcissists who don’t become one themselves often have a common coping mechanism to deal with this: capitulation and sublimation (perhaps not the healthiest but effective). Give the narcissist what they want and then move on. It’s the path of least resistance, right? Except that by doing so, there are greater implications
Ultimately, it prevents these adult children of narcissists (ACON) from developing certain relationship and emotional boundaries as we get older. It’s not easy to do when you’re used to giving someone they “love” free reign to walk all over them. Narcissistic parents do not just disempower their us, they rob us entirely of our power, often leading us to seek extremely codependent relationships.
The unhealed wound of the child of a narcissist can also create a vacuum easily filled by adding another narcissist in our lives, often in our friendships and romantic relationships. Since we’ve learned not to be bothered by their parents’ narcissistic and self-absorbed behaviors, we subconsciously draw narcissists to us.
And narcissists, who are so adept at recognizing pressure points and how far to push boundaries, will engage in the same kind of push/pull dynamic we’ve had been normalized during our childhood.
These behaviors that seem disrespectful might very well be excused in a friend because like the parent, “that’s just how they are.”
NPD damages your boundaries; the invisible barriers between you and your outside systems that regulate the flow of information and input between you and these systems. These damaged boundaries may thwart your ability to communicate authentically and powerfully, and taint your own self-concept, which in turn damages your relationships and your capability to thrive personally and professionally in the world.
Most adult children of narcissists (ACONs) never get the help they need to recover and heal, because we have no idea that what we’ve experienced as children is unhealthy and destructive.
Often, we, as children of narcissists, are overly-sensitive, deeply insecure, unable to see ourselves as good, worthy, and lovable. What’s worse is that we’re so familiar with narcissism (because we’ve dealt with it all their lives) that we unconsciously attract it into their lives, through our adult relationships, and in our work cultures, and careers.
Feeling like we are never, ever good enough or valuable enough
We can be deeply afraid to speak up confidently or challenge others
We are quite attuned (to an almost uncanny degree) to what everyone around us is feeling, as we have a hyper-sensitivity to what others are experiencing. This is the way we survived living with a narcissistic parent, which can lead to our inability to protect themselves from others’ emotions.
We may feel chronically unsure of ourselves, and overly-concerned about what others think of us
We are very insecure, because we’ve never experienced unconditional love. Any love or care that we got through out childhood was only under certain challenging conditions that made ues feel inauthentic and fake.
We may discover that the relationships we form (either at work or in personal life) are deeply challenging and unsatisfying (and even toxic and frightening). When we step back and look at these relationships honestly, we see narcissism all around them and they have no idea how to deal with this.
Finally, we feel used and beaten up by our work, by our bosses. and our colleagues, and can’t understand why our careers are so challenged and difficult.
If the above experiences resonate with you, it’s time to gain greater awareness of what you’ve experienced in childhood, so you can have greater choice over your thoughts, mindsets and behaviors in order to heal.
We don’t just “get over” being raised by a narcissist. It takes strong therapeutic support to “peel back the onion” and heal the wounds — to have the courage to look at the specific brand of narcissism you experienced (it’s different in every family), how this has impacted you, and the way you operate, and learn new behaviors that will allow you to heal the child within and become the adult you long to be.
Romantic Relationships And The Narcissist:
Relationships with a narcissist are never about partnership because the nature of narcissistic love is a one-sided, mental, and/or physical connection that dictates the terms of the relationship. In romantic relationships, narcissists use scripted “romantic” gestures or words to express their “love.”
Sex will often dominate in a relationship with a narcissist. They will “do” more than “feel” in a relationship because they have an extremely limited emotional range.
If you choose a narcissist as a lover (although really they’re the ones choosing you), you may find your entire reality turned upside down. It’s easy to fall in love with a narcissist and not realize what hit you. They charm you, come off responsible, and in control.
On the surface, they seem like the whole package.
We’ve been socialized to look for a lot of attributes that narcissists possess in a partner. Romance books are filled with narcissistic men who are beautiful, possessive, jealous, and financially successful. Like every fairy tale or vapid romantic comedy, these books prop up this fantasy male who wants only the female character and will stop at nothing until he has her.
His love will make her feel special, chosen; even saved.
And, in turn, she will surrender her entire self to him, allowing obsession to become possession.
We’ve been programmed to love the narcissist and forsake our self-respect, our identities, and our power in the process. Nothing matters besides to serving and placating this person to whom we are indebted for their “love,” even if their love comes from a dark, twisted place. It’s very rare that we are able to notice how dark and bad things have become. A narcissist is excellent at getting us to put up with more than we should, get us to ignore their instincts, as well as control it so that we only see what they want us to see.
You can get a real high or rush from getting the love from a narcissist. This love makes feel great about ourselves; if someone held in such high esteem (whether that esteem matches reality is part of the narcissist’s game). Then, we reflect back what they ultimately want to see and believe about themselves, which is that they’re a really — fill in the blank — amazing, wonderful, incredible, generous, all around ideal person. It’s a real ego boost to appear so cared for (it’s all about appearances) to be with someone who has it “together” and provides for you.
It’s a cycle, and once you’re in it, it feels really good.
Until it doesn’t.
Inevitably, as with any relationship, there will be opportunities for growth as well as challenges. If you’re in a romantic relationship with a narcissist, they’re rarely bumps in the relationship, – they’re landmines, and before you know it you may find yourself in a a field of these landmines. Things you didn’t see until they’re too late.
One misstep (or perceived misstep) and they go into a narcissistic rage.
Narcissisticrage is the response to narcissistic injury. Narcissistic injury occurs when a narcissistic individual perceives to be criticized so deeply that it creates severe emotional pain or scarring. It throws them from the invisible throne of superiority down into the masses.
Some narcissists can be very nasty and say mean, horrible, awful things that can cut us to our core if and when we challenge them. Other narcissists may be overly critical, spouting out criticisms about co-workers or family members – things we easily excuse or dismiss. The narcissist acting this way because he or she is tired, hungry, stressed out, or having a really bad day.
They will eventually turn on you and you will become the source of their narcissistic rage.
The longer we’re in a relationship with a narcissist, the worse it becomes. We may internalize the criticism so much that we honestly everything that bothers or upsets him or her is our fault.
We may not have much room for our friends because dealing with a narcissist can be so time and energy-consuming, or they may not want to share us with our friends.
Whatever the reason, it’s the shame/guilt cycle that we don’t realize until much later, as it’s now accepted it as a normal relationship dynamic.
Over time, we may find ourselves walking on eggshells around them, ensuring we don’t say or do the wrong thing to trigger them.
That’s always the rub with narcissists: we hurt them; it’s never the other way around unless we deserved it – but we always end up feeling we really deserved it. That’s the guilt. We are made to feel we perpetrated the wrong, and we are thereby doomed to feel shame over it.
One of the most difficult things about dealing with the guilt of being in relationship with a narcissist is realizing that if we want to save ourselves from the relationship, we have to let it go.
Am I Dating Someone With Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
How do you know when you’re dealing with a narcissist?
While most of us are guilty of some of the following behaviors at one time or another, a pathological narcissist tends to exhibit habitually several of the following personas, while remaining largely unaware of (or unconcerned with) how his or her actions affect others.
Charming: Narcissists can be very charismatic and persuasive. When they’re interested in you (for their own gratification), they make you feel very special and wanted. However, once they lose interest in you (most likely after they’ve gotten what they want, or became bored), they may drop you without a second thought. A narcissist can be very engaging and sociable, as long as you’re fulfilling what she desires, and giving her all of your attention.
Breaks the Rules: The narcissist enjoys getting away with violating rules and social norms, such as cutting in line, chronic under-tipping (some will overtip to show off), stealing office supplies, breaking multiple appointments, or disobeying traffic laws.
Conversation Stealer: The narcissist loves to talk about him or herself, and doesn’t give you a chance to take part in a two-way conversation. You struggle to have your views and feelings heard. When you do get a word in, if it’s not in agreement with the narcissist, your comments are likely to be corrected, dismissed, or ignored.
Violates Your Boundaries: he or she shows wanton disregard for other people’s thoughts, feelings, possessions, and physical space. Oversteps and uses others without consideration or sensitivity. Borrows items or money without returning. Breaks promises and obligations repeatedly. Shows little remorse and blames the victim for his or her personal lack of respect
Conversation Interrupter: While many people have the poor communication habit of interrupting others, the narcissist interrupts and quickly switches the focus back to herself. He or she shows little genuine interest in you.
Pretending To Be They’re Something They’re Not: Many narcissists like to do things to impress others by making themselves look good externally. This “trophy” complex can exhibit itself physically, romantically, sexually, socially, religiously, financially, materially, professionally, academically, or culturally.
In these situations, the narcissist uses people, objects, status, and/or accomplishments to represent the self, substituting for the perceived, inadequate “real” self.
These grandstanding “merit badges” are often exaggerated.
The underlying message of this type of display is: “I’m better than you!” or “Look at how special I am—I’m worthy of everyone’s love, admiration, and acceptance!”
In a big way, these external symbols become pivotal parts of the narcissist’s false identity, replacing the real and injured self.
Psychological Manipulator: They think of others as extensions of themselves, making decisions for others to suit one’s own needs. The narcissist may use his or her romantic partner, child, friend, or colleague to meet unreasonable self-serving needs, fulfill unrealized dreams, or cover up self-perceived inadequacies and flaws.
They’re Owed: Narcissists often expect preferential treatment from others. They expect others to cater (often instantly) to their needs, without being considerate in return. In their firmly held beliefs, the world genuinely revolves around them. Grandiose, Over-The-Top Personality: narcissists think of themselves as a hero or heroine, a prince or princess, and one of a kind special person. Some narcissists have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, believing that others cannot live or survive without his or her magnificent contributions.
Negative Emotions. Many narcissists enjoy spreading and arousing negative emotions to gain attention, feel powerful, and keep you insecure and off-balance. They are easily upset at any real or perceived slights or inattentiveness. They may throw a tantrum if you disagree with their views, or fail to meet their expectations.
They are extremely sensitive to criticism, and typically respond with heated argument (fight) or cold detachment (flight). Narcissists are often quick to judge, criticize, ridicule, and blame you.
Some narcissists are emotionally abusive. By making you feel inferior, they boost their fragile ego, and feel better about themselves.
Imagine this: your entire reality has been warped and distorted. You have been mercilessly violated, manipulated, lied to, ridiculed, demeaned, and gaslighted into believing that you are imagining things. The person you thought you knew and the life you built together have been shattered into a million little pieces.
Your sense of self has been eroded, diminished. You were idealized, devalued, then shoved off the pedestal. Perhaps you were even replaced and discarded multiple times, only to be lured back into an abuse cycle that’s more torturous than it was before. Maybe you were relentlessly stalked, harassed, and bullied to stay with your abuser.
This was no normal break-up or relationship: this was a set-up for covert and insidious murder of your psyche and sense of safety in the world. There may not be visible scars to tell the tale; all you have are broken pieces, fractured memories, and internal battle wounds.
This Is What Narcissistic Abuse Looks Like:
Psychological violence by malignant narcissists can include verbal and emotional abuse, toxic projection, stonewalling, sabotage, smear campaigns, triangulation, along with a plethora of other forms of coercion and control. The narcissist is someone who lacks empathy, demonstrates an excessive sense of entitlement, and uses interpersonal exploitation to meet his or her needs at the expense of the rights of others.
As a result of chronic abuse, you may struggle with symptoms of PTSD, Complex PTSD if they had additional traumas like being abused by narcissistic parents or even what is known as “Narcissistic Victim Syndrome.” The aftermath of narcissistic abuse can include depression, anxiety, hypervigilance, a pervasive sense of toxic shame, emotional flashbacks that regress you back to the abusive incidents, as well as overwhelming feelings of helplessness and worthlessness.
When we are in the midst of an ongoing abuse cycle, it can be difficult to pinpoint exactly what we are experiencing because abusers are able to twist and turn reality to suit their own needs, engage in intense love-bombing after abusive incidents, and convince us that we are the abusers.
If you find yourself experiencing any of the symptoms below and you are (or have been) in a toxic relationship with a partner that disrespects, invalidates and mistreats you, you may just have been terrorized by an emotional predator:
You Isolate Yourself:
Many abusers isolate you as a power play, but you also isolate themselves because you feel ashamed about the abuse you’re experiencing. Given the victim-blaming and misconceptions about emotional and psychological violence in society, you may even be re-traumatized by law enforcement, family members, friends, and the harem members of the narcissist who might invalidate their perceptions of the abuse.
You fear no one will understand or believe you, so instead of reaching out for help, you withdraw from others as a way to avoid judgment and retaliation from your narcissistic abuser.
Dissociation Is How You Survive:
You feel emotionally and/or physically detached from your environment, experiencing disruptions in your memory, perceptions, consciousness and sense of self. As Dr. Van der Kolk (2015) writes in his book, The Body Keeps the Score, “Dissociation is the essence of trauma. The overwhelming experience is split off and fragmented, so that the emotions, sounds, images, thoughts, and physical sensations take on a life of their own.”
Dissociation can lead to emotional numbing in the face of horrific circumstances. Mind-numbing activities, obsessions, addictions, and repression may become your way of life because they give you an escape from your current reality. Your brain finds ways to emotionally block out the impact of your pain so you do not have to deal with the full terror of your circumstances.
You may also develop traumatized inner parts that become disjointed from the personality you inhabit with your abuser or loved ones. These inner parts may include the inner child parts of you never nurtured, the true anger and disgust you feel towards your abuser and parts of yourselves you feel you cannot express around them.
According to therapist Rev. Sheri Heller (2015), “Integrating and reclaiming dissociated and disowned aspects of the personality is largely dependent on constructing a cohesive narrative, which allows for the assimilation of emotional, cognitive, and physiological realities.” This inner integration is best done with the help of a trauma-based therapist.
You Become Distrustful Of All People:
The longer the abuse persists, the more you believe each person now represents a threat; you find yourself becoming anxious about the intentions of others, especially having experienced the malicious actions of someone you once trusted.
Your usual caution becomes hypervigilance.
Since the narcissistic abuser has worked hard to gaslight you into believing that your experiences are invalid, you have a hard time trusting anyone, including yourself.
You Walk On Constant Eggshells:
A common symptom of trauma is avoiding anything that represents reliving the trauma – whether it be people, places, or activities that pose that threat. Whether it be your friend, your partner, your family member, co-worker or boss, you find yourself constantly watching what you say or do around this person lest you incur their wrath, punishment, or become the object of their envy.
However, you realize that this does not work and you’re still the abuser’s target whenever he or she feels entitled to use you as an emotional punching bag.
You become perpetually anxious about ‘provoking’ your abuser in any way and may avoid confrontation or setting boundaries as a result.
You may also extend your people-pleasing behavior outside of the abusive relationship, losing your ability to be spontaneous or assertive while navigating the outside world, especially with people who resemble or are associated with your abuser and the abuse.
You’ve Stopped Being You:
You may have once been full of life, goal-driven, and dream-oriented. Now, you feel as if you are living just to fulfill the needs of another person. Once, the narcissist’s entire life seemed to revolve around you; now your entire life revolves around them.
You may have placed your goals, hobbies, friendships and personal safety on the back burner just to ensure that your abuser feels ‘satisfied’ in the relationship.
Of course, you soon realize that he or she will never truly be satisfied regardless of what you do or don’t do. You are struggling with health issues and somatic symptoms that represent your psychological turmoil.
Health Issues Begin To Arise That Represent Your Inner Psychological Turmoil:
You may have gained or lost a significant amount of weight, developed serious health issues that did not exist prior and experienced physical symptoms of premature aging. The stress of chronic abuse has sent your cortisol levels into overdrive and your immune system has taken a severe hit, leaving you vulnerable to physical ailments and disease.
You find yourself unable to sleep or experiencing terrifying nightmares when you do, reliving the trauma through emotional or visual flashbacks that bring you back to the site of the original wounds.
You Experience Suicidal Thoughts And Engage In Self-Harming Behaviors:
Along with depression and anxiety may come an increased sense of hopelessness pervading your life.
Your circumstances feel unbearable, as if you cannot escape, even if you wanted to. You develop a sense of learned helplessness that makes you feel as if you don’t wish to survive another day. You may even engage in self-harm as a way to cope. As Dr. McKeon, chief of the suicide prevention branch at SAMHSA notes, victims of intimate partner violence are twice as likely to attempt suicide multiple times. This is the way abusers essentially commit murder without a trace.
You Compare Yourself To Others, And Blame Yourself For The Abuse:
A narcissistic abuser is highly skilled at manufacturing love triangles or bringing another person into the dynamic of the relationship to further terrorize the you. As a result, you internalize the fear that you are not enough and may constantly strive to ‘compete’ for the abuser’s attention and approval.
You may also compare yourself to others in happier, healthier relationships or find themselves wondering why your abuser appears to treat complete strangers with more respect. This can send you down the trapdoor of wondering, “why me?” and stuck in an abyss of self-blame.
The truth is, the abuser is the person who should be blamed – you are in no way responsible for being abused.
You Sabotage Yourself And Self-Destruct:
You may often find yourself ruminating over the abuse and hearing the abuser’s voice in your minds, amplifying your negative self-talk and tendency towards self-sabotage.
Malignant narcissists ‘program’ and condition their victims to self-destruct – sometimes even to the point of driving them to suicide.
Due to the narcissist’s covert and overt put-downs, verbal abuse and hypercriticism, you may develop a tendency to punish yourself because you carry such toxic shame. The abuser may sabotage you goals, dreams, and academic pursuits. The abuser has instilled in you a sense of worthlessness and you begin to believe that you are undeserving of good things.
You’re Afraid To Do What You Love, Are Afraid of Success:
As many pathological predators are envious of their victims, they punish their victims for succeeding. This conditions you to associate their joys, interests, talents, and areas of success with cruel and callous treatment. This conditioning gets you to fear success lest you be met with reprisal and reprimand.
As a result, you may become depressed, anxious, lack confidence and you may hide from the spotlight to allow your abusers to ‘steal’ the show again and again. Realize that your abuser is not undercutting your gifts because they truly believe you are inferior; it is because those gifts threaten their control over you.
You Protect Your Narcissist And Rationalize The Abuse:
Rationalizing, minimizing and denying the abuse are often survival mechanisms for people in an abusive relationship. In order to reduce the confusion that erupts when the person who claims to love you mistreats you, victims of abuse convince themselves that the abuser is really not ‘all that bad’ or that they must have done something to ‘provoke’ the abuse.
It is important to reduce this cognitive dissonance by reading up on the narcissistic personality and abuse tactics; this way, you are able to reconcile your current reality with the narcissist’s false self by recognizing that the abusive personality, not the charming facade, is really who they are underneath it all..
Remember that an intense trauma bond is often formed between the victim and abuser because the victim is ‘trained’ to rely on the abuser for his or her survival. You may protect your abusers from legal consequences, portray a happy image of the relationship on social media or overcompensate by ‘sharing the blame’ of the abuse.
Narcissists are hard nuts to crack. Don’t fall in love with a narcissist or entertain illusions they’re capable of the give and take necessary for intimacy. In such relationships, you’ll always be emotionally alone to some degree. If you have a withholding narcissist spouse, beware of trying to win the nurturing you never got from your parents; it’s not going to happen. Also, don’t expect to have your sensitivity honored. These people sour love with all the hoops you must jump through to please them.
Here are some suggestions for leaving a narcissist (or becoming estranged from them):
Don’t Fall For Their Manipulations
They will use every trick in the book to get you back so be prepared. Narcissists are really convincing. When you are ready to leave, stick to your convictions and move on to a more positive future filled with real love.
Set Limits and Boundaries
Since narcissists have no empathy, and cannot really love, you must leave them cold turkey and endure the pain. Set limits and say “no” to them and in your heart.
Then gather all your strength and keep walking into the unknown towards something better.
Enforce a “no contact” rule with your girl or boyfriend in order to take the time to heal, assess the situation and regain your emotional strength.
Focus on the Future
Once detached from a narcissist it is extremely important than you focus all your positive energy and thoughts on doing good things for yourself and the world. Don’t let your mind wander to the past or to what he is doing.
Be Kind to Yourself
Treasure yourself. Be very kind to yourself and know that you deserve a loving relationship with someone who can reciprocate that love.
Regain Your Self-Esteem
Regain your self-confidence and self love. It is paramount that you regain your own sense of self worth and reject people that abuse, control or lie to you in your life.
It is self preservation and right to all of us.
Be Safe
Leave the relationship in a safe manner. If you feel threatened by your spouse, enlist friends or family to assist you in your exit. Always be safe, and be smart.
Talk It Out
Find a friend to confide in. You may feel you have lost your support system due to the relationship demands of a narcissistic spouse, but chances are you have not. You need someone to confide in that you can trust.
Support Groups
Join a support group. Codependents Anonymous, or CODA, is a place to share your feelings and provides support and insight into healing from a traumatic relationship.
Often, you will find yourself giving up control in your life to keep your partner happy. Your trips to see your family and friends may shorten and become farther apart in time. You may give up your finances to keep the peace, or maybe you feel like a stranger redecorated your house because there is nothing of you in it. Although it is disturbing, it may be better than the continuous “bad mood” and incessant bickering of your partner if you don’t comply. Eventually, the narcissist may have taken over your life and you feel as though you have become helpless without him.
Treating the Narcissistic Behavior as Normal
As a good person, you may believe that eventually the narcissist will come around and love you back with the same compassion that you provide them. The idea of give and take in a relationship is a valued component of a love match that the narcissist is not capable of in the long term. If they promise not to treat you as they have in the past, they cannot not sustain the facade for very long.
They Know How To Push Your Buttons
It is common to leave a narcissist spouse or partner several times before the final breakup. They know what you want to hear and will promise to become the person that will treat you better, not abuse you, not lie to you, not control you, be more flexible, give you your space, trust you, etc. But a true narcissist cannot sustain those ideals and eventually return to their former behavior.
Narcissists Keep Returning to Win You Back
A narcissistic spouse will ask you to come back at intervals and will lie and promise anything if you to return. When you agree to “loving them” you feed the narcissistic supply of admiration and adoration in your narcissistic spouse. Usually, just when you feel you are healing and ready to move on, the narcissist returns with gifts and promises of showing you how they love you. Eventually, you find that nothing has changed in the relationship.
Steps to Leave a Narcissist
Recognize the Symptoms
Take Action
Reclaim Your Life
Your partner takes up all of your time
Find friends and family for support and help leaving
Leave the relationship very carefully and be safe
Your partner has control over all the finances
Open a new account and try to keep your money separate
Restore your financial control and regain your independence
Your partner acts out in anger or violence against you when you mention leaving
Call the police and have it documented that this person has violent tendencies. Verbal threats are as violent as physical assault
Have your partner removed and file a restraining order to keep them away
Take a “no contact” break from the relationship
The hardest part of leaving is staying apart, making a no contact rule will give you time to live on your own terms
Living alone will be hard, but reclaiming your life will give you back much of your confidence
Take a look at yourself before you start dating again
Before dating again, investigate why you were attracted to this relationship to begin with
Join support groups or engage in therapy if needed. A healthy individual attracts healthy people.
At the age of 9, both my mother and father went to rehab for alcoholism.
At the age of 10, I finally knew what it was like to have a home after living in over 200 houses, more than 100 cities, fifteen states, and two countries.
At the age of 14, I was raped by a classmate my freshman year of high school.
At the age of 15, I started working two full-time jobs and single-handedly supporting my family because my parents flat-out refused to work.
At the age of 16, my parents decided to start drinking again. I took on a third job to support their alcoholism.
At the age of 18 I graduated high school at nearly the top of my class.
After my first year of college, I was told that I was not allowed to continue even though I had scholarships because “I wasn’t raised to think I was better than anyone else.”
At the age of 21, I was rapedagain … by the man who had betrayed me seven years before. My parents told me I deserved it, and was lucky that a man had paid that much attention to me since I was worth nothing. I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
My birth certificate says that I was born on April 2nd, 1987 at 1:25 p.m.
I was born on March 30th, 2009 at roughly 9:45 p.m. when, at nearly 22 years old, I decided I had been through enough.
My father suffers from Bipolar Disorder and severe Anxiety. My mother is a Paranoid Schizophrenic. Neither one has any sense of reality beyond their immediate perception of the world, and both are Compulsive Liars.
The man who raped me intimidated and frightened me into a silence I would not break for almost ten years. When I ran into him again, he introduced me to his wife and child as if we were old high school friends.
He contacted me after getting my information through old mutual friends and asked if we could meet to reconcile and so that he could apologize for what he had done. He never had any intention of doing so and in my own foolishness, I met with him and he forced me into the back of a car and raped me … again.
My parents told me I had to be lying, and that if I had been raped then I should consider myself lucky because that was more than I deserved from anyone. When I insisted that I was not lying and needed their help, my father smacked me across the face and broke a chair over my back.
I was almost twenty-two years old at the time and the only thing I remember after that was my youngest sister’s face. She was staring in horror and fear trying to figure out what to do.
I had stayed for years thinking that I was protecting them. In that moment, I realized that if I showed them that all you could do was take the abuse and not actually do anything about it … then one day my little sister was going to be in my position … and no one would be around to help her either.
I didn’t have anywhere to go. I had nowhere to stay that night. I called up a friend and grabbed a ride, and crashed on a couch while struggling to find somewhere to live.
I went through months of endless torture and doubt while going through the trail that put my rapist in jail for what will be a very long time. I changed my address, my phone number, and all of my information so that I could cut ties with the life I didn’t deserve and start living a life that was not filled with fear, or doubt, or regret, or abuse.
Today, I am 23 years old.
I have a home of my own for the very first time.
I have sought counseling for the traumas I have been through in my life.
I have struggled with body image, self-esteem, guilt, and an intense lack of trust in people I care about.
I have cut all ties with my family, stopped supporting them financially, and moved on to start a life of my own.
I have found love in a man who is the best thing to ever happen to me. A man who would never raise a hand to me, who loves me in spite of my demons, and who has already supported and seen me at my absolute worst.
I have found peace.
I am not sharing my story to shock, horrify, or scare people. I am not sharing my story seeking sympathy although it is graciously received.
I am sharing my story because somewhere out there is a man, woman, or child who has faced demons that linger in shadows all around them. They may not feel that they are able to overcome them and they are utterly alone.
I am telling you my story to tell you this:
You are not alone. Ever.
No one is ever alone. There were moments when I wanted to give up and give in. Just tune out and wait for the worst to come so that nothing else as bad could happen. I figured there was nothing that could help or save me. I have been there.
I made it out and I am waiting for you with open arms on the other side. There’s plenty of room here.
Three years ago, my husband attempted to rape me. I didn’t really think of it that way at the time. I did shove him off me with a hand to his throat, and he was extremely angry. A few months later, he completed the rape.
He’s always been terrible with boundaries and when I would say no to sex, he would keep trying until I gave in. I didn’t like it, but didn’t recognize it as anything more than annoying.
It was a red flag I guess, but didn’t seem like “real abuse” because I wasn’t being harmed.
We have managed to stay together, but, as you’d expect, It hasn’t been easy.
He still struggles with boundaries, which are obviously so important to our relationship. Unfortunately, he will touch me sexually even after I’ve explicitly said that I don’t want to be touched that way (when my anxiety is at a high I do not want to be touched at all; much less sexually).
He’s started having sex with me in his sleep despite me saying no – when he’s aware of what’s going on he stops, thankfully. When he is very much in the mood, he won’t come to bed with me because he’s afraid he can’t control himself. I suppose I should just be grateful that he stays away but I don’t like hearing him say he can’t control himself. It freaks me out.
He has been (for the most part) patient and understands why I’m like this now. He’d do absolutely anything to make me happy.
I feel guilty because a large part of me hates him. He has told me that he doesn’t think about the rape unless I’m struggling, which is devastating to me. Something that changed me at my core so much. Traumatized me. Destroyed trust, my ability to enjoy intimacy, gave me massive, crippling anxiety and he…?
He doesn’t even think about.
We are in marriage counseling again; but we haven’t yet told the counselor what happened.
We’ve only had two sessions so far, and I haven’t been ready to discuss the rape.
The counselor is giving us all these tools to work on things and I just…I don’t know. I don’t know how to make it work.
I can’t afford to care for my kids alone. I’m a stay-at-home mom, no good work experience, no family to help me out. I MUST make this work.
And my husband really does try to make me happy and I feel so guilty that he can’t.
